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148 thoughts on “EBR 030: What To Do If You Sleep With Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Dream

    April 30, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    Hi chris, I’m recently going through a break up & my ex told me he ended it because he lost feelings for me and told me to move on. We’ve been together for year & nine months. I’ve been doing the no contact rule for a week & a half but I’m starting to lose all hope. Everybody keeps saying that this is it & it honestly breaks my heart to hear that. I fell head over heels for this guy. We had so much planned out. Any advice?

  2. Megan

    April 29, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    I dated this guy for 7 months I had a real connection with him instantly, I had an old friend come back into my life and I cheated on the guy I was dating. We did not talk for 2 months then he text me, I ended up at his house that night and we slept together he didn’t rush me off afterwards insisted that I stayed there to get some sleep while he left to go to work things did not seem awkward at all but he did not text me that day like he said he would, so I waited till later to text him still no reply

  3. Megan

    April 29, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    I dated this guy for 7 months I had a real connection with him instantly, I had an old friend come back into my life and I cheated on the guy I was dating. We did not talk for 2 months then he text me, I ended up at his house that night and we slept together he didn’t rush me off afterwards insisted that I stayed there to get some sleep while he left to go to work things did not seem awkward at all but he did not text me that day like he said he would, so I waited till later to text him still no reply

  4. Monique

    April 29, 2015 at 3:21 am

    Hi Chris,

    My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago, I am slowly starting to realise that he is not worth my time. As much as I care deeply for him and would like to get back with him, I put him in the friends with benefits zone. We chat here and there through text. The other day he told me that I am a great person to hang out with and he would be happy to hang out with me without the sex. The reason we broke up was because he just wasn’t ready for a relationship and a relationship isn’t what he wants right now…. He told me that I deserve better and I should find someone who makes me happy and can give me what I want out of a relationship, but if I find it he doesn’t want to know because it will hurt him. He then said that because when he was younger he didn’t go out and have causual sex with people he feels as though he has missed out on a big part of his life. He then said if we are continuing to sleep with each other he won’t actively persue looking for someone else to sleep with because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He wants the benefits of a relationship, the cuddles, spending time together etc but not the commitment. What should I do? Our texting is civil and there is no anger between us. He just wants something really easy, he wants it with me but knows I’m not happy with that, hence, why he is saying it’s okay to find a relationship. Althoug he is hesitant to say it.

  5. Monique

    April 29, 2015 at 3:21 am

    Hi Chris,

    My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago, I am slowly starting to realise that he is not worth my time. As much as I care deeply for him and would like to get back with him, I put him in the friends with benefits zone. We chat here and there through text. The other day he told me that I am a great person to hang out with and he would be happy to hang out with me without the sex. The reason we broke up was because he just wasn’t ready for a relationship and a relationship isn’t what he wants right now…. He told me that I deserve better and I should find someone who makes me happy and can give me what I want out of a relationship, but if I find it he doesn’t want to know because it will hurt him. He then said that because when he was younger he didn’t go out and have causual sex with people he feels as though he has missed out on a big part of his life. He then said if we are continuing to sleep with each other he won’t actively persue looking for someone else to sleep with because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He wants the benefits of a relationship, the cuddles, spending time together etc but not the commitment. What should I do? Our texting is civil and there is no anger between us. He just wants something really easy, he wants it with me but knows I’m not happy with that, hence, why he is saying it’s okay to find a relationship. Althoug he is hesitant to say it.

  6. Mina

    April 24, 2015 at 11:15 pm

    What if my ex keeps insisting he doesn’t want a relationship right now?:(

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 27, 2015 at 9:55 pm

      Then maybe you need to give him some time.

  7. Mina

    April 24, 2015 at 11:15 pm

    What if my ex keeps insisting he doesn’t want a relationship right now?:(

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 27, 2015 at 9:55 pm

      Then maybe you need to give him some time.

  8. Zenyth

    April 24, 2015 at 5:21 pm

    He quickly stopped me and said that if we were going to have anything real in the future that I would have to stop skirting issues that I wanted to talk about. He told me that it was impossible for us to not know eachother. He also said that his trust level for me was very low and that while he still likes me enough to want to go out and eat and spend time together and have sex, that he just was not ready to be in a serious relationship. He then explained that he didn’t want to really plan for us to get back together because he thought that that was what led to our demise before, planning with timelines that sometimes either one or the other of us would get stressed about. I actually agree there.

    I really want to take time that get to know him this time around and keep things light. I explained to him that him instantly talking about sex at all had already put stress on the lightness. The stress for me to feel like I had to give that. He told me that the only reason he mentioned that was that that was the only thing he could think of in the moment that we enjoyed but that he didn’t necessarily mean it as strongly as it came off. Of course I told him that its ok if he thought about sex and that happening at times but that it was just overkill to mention it like that because it was just creepy. He told me not to tease him unless I was actually preheating the oven.

    It seems like the major crux of our issue is the fact that he feels like adding commitment adds stress to what he considered a good relationship. How do I from this point reassure him over time that an actual commitment can have the same fun light airiness without compromising myself by doing things today that I feel will set a pace from fwb only and forever tomorrow? The key of course being to keep him interested this whole time without ever actually consciously knowing that I’m shifting his frame of mind. My first thought on it is just to date him for the next few until I actually am ready for a commitment and then bring up to him that I am not going any further without commitment. That way he gets a taste of what he is getting (not the whole enchilada) really and I do too and this time around we can actually make a real informed decision. Thoughts?

  9. Zenyth

    April 24, 2015 at 5:21 pm

    He quickly stopped me and said that if we were going to have anything real in the future that I would have to stop skirting issues that I wanted to talk about. He told me that it was impossible for us to not know eachother. He also said that his trust level for me was very low and that while he still likes me enough to want to go out and eat and spend time together and have sex, that he just was not ready to be in a serious relationship. He then explained that he didn’t want to really plan for us to get back together because he thought that that was what led to our demise before, planning with timelines that sometimes either one or the other of us would get stressed about. I actually agree there.

    I really want to take time that get to know him this time around and keep things light. I explained to him that him instantly talking about sex at all had already put stress on the lightness. The stress for me to feel like I had to give that. He told me that the only reason he mentioned that was that that was the only thing he could think of in the moment that we enjoyed but that he didn’t necessarily mean it as strongly as it came off. Of course I told him that its ok if he thought about sex and that happening at times but that it was just overkill to mention it like that because it was just creepy. He told me not to tease him unless I was actually preheating the oven.

    It seems like the major crux of our issue is the fact that he feels like adding commitment adds stress to what he considered a good relationship. How do I from this point reassure him over time that an actual commitment can have the same fun light airiness without compromising myself by doing things today that I feel will set a pace from fwb only and forever tomorrow? The key of course being to keep him interested this whole time without ever actually consciously knowing that I’m shifting his frame of mind. My first thought on it is just to date him for the next few until I actually am ready for a commitment and then bring up to him that I am not going any further without commitment. That way he gets a taste of what he is getting (not the whole enchilada) really and I do too and this time around we can actually make a real informed decision. Thoughts?

  10. mumal

    April 23, 2015 at 5:00 am

    Sorry i dunt knw how last line was erased. Wel i knw u hav tonnes of the msgs cnt reply al the time. But i m in a serious prblm i want hm bck if u wil nt reply me then ho. Can i even belve in my self. Only bcoz of u chris my Nc rule went awesome again aftr sex should i do ? Thankyou so much just abecause of u i have build my self confidence again thankyou so much and ur little help can make me the unforgettable grl i knw nothing is impossible only a smal guide frm u and he wil love me crazyly plz plz do reply me plz 🙂

  11. mumal

    April 23, 2015 at 5:00 am

    Sorry i dunt knw how last line was erased. Wel i knw u hav tonnes of the msgs cnt reply al the time. But i m in a serious prblm i want hm bck if u wil nt reply me then ho. Can i even belve in my self. Only bcoz of u chris my Nc rule went awesome again aftr sex should i do ? Thankyou so much just abecause of u i have build my self confidence again thankyou so much and ur little help can make me the unforgettable grl i knw nothing is impossible only a smal guide frm u and he wil love me crazyly plz plz do reply me plz 🙂

  12. Katherine

    April 22, 2015 at 11:55 pm

    Hi Chris.
    I was with this guy for about a year and I really fell inlove with him, nothing had been completely official even though I seen him all the time. We lived about 3 hours apart and last year around June he began dating this other girl. I deleted him off everything and tried to forget him even though I always thought about him and was always wondering how he was doing. I never budged and never ended up talking to him after that, it was no communication at all. I was so close to being over it until 9 months later after NO CONTACT… I get a text from him asking me how Ive been and what I have been doing, I was surprised but ok with it. We then started having regular conversations every week like we used to through text. Just recently I was in his area and he was texting me at the same time, I was hesitant to tell him but I did and he wanted me to “come over” and he said that he would pick me up. I mentioned to him that he had a girlfriend and he agreed to everything I was saying but still wanted to see me. I was so confused but I agreed to see him, not having any intentions with him at all. He began driving to his place and we got into a huge fight about everything that had happened with us and that I would never allow him or myself to do something like this. He of course was mad and dropped me back off. It ended on a bad note but now I regret everything, and I even apologized the next day through text which I probably shouldn’t have. Where do I go from here.. don’t know what to do..Help Chris!

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 23, 2015 at 12:58 pm

      He did all this with you WHILE he had a girlfriend?

  13. Katherine

    April 22, 2015 at 11:55 pm

    Hi Chris.
    I was with this guy for about a year and I really fell inlove with him, nothing had been completely official even though I seen him all the time. We lived about 3 hours apart and last year around June he began dating this other girl. I deleted him off everything and tried to forget him even though I always thought about him and was always wondering how he was doing. I never budged and never ended up talking to him after that, it was no communication at all. I was so close to being over it until 9 months later after NO CONTACT… I get a text from him asking me how Ive been and what I have been doing, I was surprised but ok with it. We then started having regular conversations every week like we used to through text. Just recently I was in his area and he was texting me at the same time, I was hesitant to tell him but I did and he wanted me to “come over” and he said that he would pick me up. I mentioned to him that he had a girlfriend and he agreed to everything I was saying but still wanted to see me. I was so confused but I agreed to see him, not having any intentions with him at all. He began driving to his place and we got into a huge fight about everything that had happened with us and that I would never allow him or myself to do something like this. He of course was mad and dropped me back off. It ended on a bad note but now I regret everything, and I even apologized the next day through text which I probably shouldn’t have. Where do I go from here.. don’t know what to do..Help Chris!

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 23, 2015 at 12:58 pm

      He did all this with you WHILE he had a girlfriend?

  14. Namy

    April 22, 2015 at 5:53 pm

    Hi Chris. first, I want to say thanks for your great writings. Your website is a wonderful “university” of love.
    I have a LDR. We have been together 3 years. We had a crazy and strong love that we thought it was the one and only in our life. But then we lost trust and hurted each other deeply, broke up again and again. Then, I found your website, read your books and just follow what you write. It’s amazing! From very terrible situation that we thought we hate each other, never could forgive, totally cold, empty hearts… 1 month again he said he loved me again! We had a “second honeymoon”, hot and sweet. But, then, as you said, it does’t last long 🙁 We had some wars again. I said good bye, he has been paintien to me and still staying with me after that. He sends me some ms everyday, but our talks are not like before anymore. He thinks I am beautiful, sexy, he doesn’t complain any thing but I dont feel we are in love anymore. As you said, I think he lost interest in me. Maybe I give him too much too soon, as you said :(. I don’t know what to do now. I am afraid that if I break up with him again, it will be the last time because we have done it so many time. But I also don’t want to be in a relationship like this. I still love him, but I want to be in love, but not only “having him”. Thanks for your advice.

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 23, 2015 at 12:35 am

      OH I LIKE THAT

      A university of love!

      I say if you are still with him then try to talk things out before a breakup. I will take preserving a relationship over a breakup any day of the week.

  15. Namy

    April 22, 2015 at 5:53 pm

    Hi Chris. first, I want to say thanks for your great writings. Your website is a wonderful “university” of love.
    I have a LDR. We have been together 3 years. We had a crazy and strong love that we thought it was the one and only in our life. But then we lost trust and hurted each other deeply, broke up again and again. Then, I found your website, read your books and just follow what you write. It’s amazing! From very terrible situation that we thought we hate each other, never could forgive, totally cold, empty hearts… 1 month again he said he loved me again! We had a “second honeymoon”, hot and sweet. But, then, as you said, it does’t last long 🙁 We had some wars again. I said good bye, he has been paintien to me and still staying with me after that. He sends me some ms everyday, but our talks are not like before anymore. He thinks I am beautiful, sexy, he doesn’t complain any thing but I dont feel we are in love anymore. As you said, I think he lost interest in me. Maybe I give him too much too soon, as you said :(. I don’t know what to do now. I am afraid that if I break up with him again, it will be the last time because we have done it so many time. But I also don’t want to be in a relationship like this. I still love him, but I want to be in love, but not only “having him”. Thanks for your advice.

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 23, 2015 at 12:35 am

      OH I LIKE THAT

      A university of love!

      I say if you are still with him then try to talk things out before a breakup. I will take preserving a relationship over a breakup any day of the week.

  16. Amanda

    April 22, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    I started sleeping with my ex, and when I found out he was sleeping with another girl, he told me that he just wanted to have new experiences. He obviously doesn’t just want me, but when I disappear from his life, and I ignore him, he goes nutts, he chases me. He sends me all the sweet messages, but I feel like it’s bait. As soon as he feels he has me where he knows I don’t hate him, he backs off and goes back to his old self. I got mad last night because he wanted to have this other girl at his place, but he ended up cancelling and coming over to mine. Chris, I feel like a low pathetic girl. And I’m not. I don’t even think 30 days is long enough for him to learn his lesson.

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 23, 2015 at 12:33 am

      He seems like a typical guy chasing what he can’t have to me.

      Hey feel free to up NC to 45 days.

  17. Amanda

    April 22, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    I started sleeping with my ex, and when I found out he was sleeping with another girl, he told me that he just wanted to have new experiences. He obviously doesn’t just want me, but when I disappear from his life, and I ignore him, he goes nutts, he chases me. He sends me all the sweet messages, but I feel like it’s bait. As soon as he feels he has me where he knows I don’t hate him, he backs off and goes back to his old self. I got mad last night because he wanted to have this other girl at his place, but he ended up cancelling and coming over to mine. Chris, I feel like a low pathetic girl. And I’m not. I don’t even think 30 days is long enough for him to learn his lesson.

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 23, 2015 at 12:33 am

      He seems like a typical guy chasing what he can’t have to me.

      Hey feel free to up NC to 45 days.

  18. mumal

    April 22, 2015 at 6:10 am

    Yeah he said me u always gve me a gft on my birthday and this time i want a gft i want to met with u. I Did nt met him then he said ok plz make my birthday especial and i wana have phone sex first i did mmt replied hm then he said what ever happens u r mine he said its my birthday plz plz so v had phone sex. but aftrwards i said ghim i felt so bad that i had phone sex and as u said i did my lifes biggest mistake dunt thnk i m in control of u. I said hm u r still in realtionshp with her and wana have sex with me and u r saying i m urs. he said i m nt committed with any1 i want u i said hm wil nt talk with u again bcoz i m stil angry with u v brokeup for a reason here i was feeling to do Nc Rule again. Chris what to ddo i m realy confused want to cry did i lost my rescpt or how wil i get hm bck now. I Really love him. Want hm to propose me and marry me love me with the acore of his heart and only be mine. Chris help me out u r my last hope

  19. mumal

    April 22, 2015 at 6:10 am

    Yeah he said me u always gve me a gft on my birthday and this time i want a gft i want to met with u. I Did nt met him then he said ok plz make my birthday especial and i wana have phone sex first i did mmt replied hm then he said what ever happens u r mine he said its my birthday plz plz so v had phone sex. but aftrwards i said ghim i felt so bad that i had phone sex and as u said i did my lifes biggest mistake dunt thnk i m in control of u. I said hm u r still in realtionshp with her and wana have sex with me and u r saying i m urs. he said i m nt committed with any1 i want u i said hm wil nt talk with u again bcoz i m stil angry with u v brokeup for a reason here i was feeling to do Nc Rule again. Chris what to ddo i m realy confused want to cry did i lost my rescpt or how wil i get hm bck now. I Really love him. Want hm to propose me and marry me love me with the acore of his heart and only be mine. Chris help me out u r my last hope

  20. sherry

    April 21, 2015 at 6:35 pm

    well what if you sleep with you ex, and you find out he is sleeping with someone else too? After NC, he was hitting me up all the way until 2am everyday for a week, all day we would text, from morning till night. He did tell me though we would not get back together, and that he’s gone a few dates with another girl. But one night, I ignored him and told him I had company (which I lied), and a few days later he did the same thing to me. But my friend who is his roommate, said yah some girl left his room. I don’t want to be the other woman. I need to have some respect for myself. What do I do now other than NC? don’t you think with 30 days without hearing from me he will have more time to get closer to her? how do you know when to walk away?

    1. Sherry

      April 23, 2015 at 1:16 am

      Well opposite would be NC. Staying and being the side chick isn’t getting me anywhere. Everything u say works, reverse phycology especially. But at this point, I feel like he doesn’t deserve me. NC is the only way to show that right?

    2. Chris Seiter

      April 23, 2015 at 12:06 am

      Ok, lets say you take the opposite approach…

      What can you do other than what you are already doing to get him back?

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