By Chris Seiter

Published on February 20th, 2022

Today we’re going to be talking about the major do’s and don’ts of communication with an ex during/after a breakup but let’s get one thing out of the way.Should there be communication during a breakup?

The answer is yes but it’s a matter of when you communicate more than anything else.

So, this article is going really make an argument for three main tenets of communicating with an ex after a breakup.

  1. No Contact Is The Foundation For Everything
  2. Getting Into The Right Frame Of Mind Before You Communicate
  3. The 7/38/55 Rule Communication Strategy

Let’s get started.

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Tenet #1: The No Contact Rule Is The Foundation For Everything

Lately I’ve been talking to a lot of professional artists about their process and it reminds me a lot of the purpose behind the no contact rule.

So, if you aren’t familiar I’m writing a book and I got it in my head that I’d hire a few artists to illustrate the events going on in the book. What’s interesting is that the way in which the artists visualize a scene is fragmented in the best way possible.

  1. There’s The 3D Modeling Stage
  2. There’s The Sketch Stage
  3. There’s The Painting Stage

I know this seems like an off topic area but I promise I’m going to connect it in the most brilliant way possible.

Here’s a random picture I hired the artist to do at each stage of the process.

The 3D Modeling Stage

Essentially this is the foundation of the painting. You are just getting everything positioned the way you want it to look.

The Sketch Stage

Here’s where you sketch over the 3D model to come up with a keyframe idea.

The Painting Stage

Then finally once a sketch is chosen you begin painting over it and fill in all the details that make it beautiful.

Now, one of the primary reasons I showed you this was to explain to you how communication with your ex is going to work. Notice how the artists doesn’t paint anything until he has a sketch to work from. Does it take longer? Yes. Does it look better? Yes.

The same principles apply to communicating with your ex after a breakup. The number one mistake I see people making is they put the cart before the horse. They don’t build out their sketch. They have no foundation or plan on what they’re going to say.

Well, that’s really what this article is going to do for you and it all starts with the no contact rule.

A few weeks ago I interviewed one of our success stories and basically SHE GETS IT,

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In fact, many of the YouTube commentors were so inspired by the interview these were the comments they left.

What resonated so much with people who listened to her interview?

Essentially her attitude after her ex boyfriend broke up with her was, “Ok, your loss.”

She jumps right into the no contact rule and is relentless in pursuing self improvement. In other words, she’s building out one hell of a sketch.

The irony here is that the foundation for communication with your ex after a breakup is no communication at all.

The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you

Basically you’re going to be using this time away from your ex to get your mind right before you even dream of communicating with them.

Tenet #2: Getting Into The Right Frame Of Mind Before You Communicate

One of the most interesting insights we gleaned from talking to successful clients post breakup is that they tended to be the ones to outgrow their exes.

When I say “outgrow” I’m not saying they didn’t want them back, many of them still did but they got to a place emotionally where they wouldn’t be broken if they didn’t get them back.


I want you to stop looking at your ex as “the one.” I want you to stop putting those constraints on yourself. In fact, what I find kind of ironic is that most of the people online searching for advice on how to win their exes back don’t really know what they want.

Sure, they’ll argue that they want their exes back but that’s not really what they want.

They want a relationship that makes them feel alive. That makes them feel happy. They want a husband, wife, best friend. That’s what they want. If that’s ends up being their ex, cool. If not, that’s cool too.

So in my mind my job is to give you the tools to help you attract that person and I know one thing, approaching talking to an ex without any kind of leverage isn’t the optimal way to test and see if they are worthy of you.

Make no mistake about it, we are flipping the script and want to determine if THEY are worthy of you.

So, how do you do that?

Reshaping Your Pedestal

Most of the clients I deal with on a daily basis have an invisible hierarchy set up in their heads on what they value most in life. Here’s how it usually looks.

  1. Ex
  2. Family
  3. Friends
  4. Career
  5. Health

Here’s how it should look.

  1. Magnum Opus
  2. Family
  3. Friends
  4. Health
  5. Career
  6. Ex

They’re structuring their lives all wrong. You’ll often hear me talk about the holy trinity on this website in reference to how to live your life.

The truth is though though that your #1 goal in life should be to spend your time doing something that gives you fulfillment, your magnum opus. Ideally you can find a way to get paid for your magnum opus.

Remember that book I talked about above. I feel that’s my magnum opus.

What’s yours?

Find it and be relentless about pursuing it so that your ex firmly realizes they’re not your number one priority anymore. Once you do that then you’ll be ready to reach out and talk to them.

Tenet #3: The 7/38/55 Rule Communication Strategy

To be honest with you I don’t do well with faith. I’m more of a action oriented person. My mind will literally eat itself if I don’t have any type of action oriented thing set in front of me to be able to accomplish.

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That’s how I feel about game plans. Without them I feel lost.

So, that’s what I created for my clients in regards to “re-attracting an ex.” My game plan is called the value ladder,

Essentially at it’s core it’s a step by step plan teaching you how to communicate with your ex after a breakup.

Pretty cool, right?

Perhaps most mind blowing about it is that it follows the 7/38/55 rule.

According to Masterclass,

The 7-38-55 rule is a concept concerning the communication of emotions. The rule states that 7 percent of meaning is communicated through spoken word, 38 percent through tone of voice, and 55 percent through body language. It was developed by psychology professor Albert Mehrabian at the University of California, Los Angeles, who laid out the concept in his 1971 book Silent Messages (1971).

So, really in todays environment there are three levels to communication.

  1. Texting (this can include instagram DM’s) 7% words
  2. Phone Calls (video chat software included as well) 38% tone of voice + 7% words
  3. In Person Interactions (Going on real dates) 55% body language + 38% tone of voice + 7% words

Notice how each layer of communication stacks on top of the other one. This is the brilliance of the value ladder. Take a look at the graphic below,

This is the correct way in which you should be engaging with your ex. The big mistake most of our clients make is they try to go too fast too soon. They try to go all in on the dating phase when for an ex, especially one who is an avoidant, probably isn’t ready.

This ends up scaring that ex away.

The 7/38/55 rule is designed to slowly help you work your way up the ladder.

After the foundational no contact rule strategy which is more about internal mindset you engage in the first texting phase. Once you build enough value there you climb the next rung and start using phone calls. Once enough value is built there you start going on dates.

This communication strategy has worked for hundreds of our clients in an effort to win their exes back or even find someone that they’re now married too so it really is a universal approach to dating and the beauty is that it’s designed in a way to force you to slow down and consider if the person you are talking to is someone really worth your time.

Of course, it only works if you’ve ensured that you’ve knocked the person you are interested in using it on off the pedestal and have put yourself first.

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3 thoughts on “Communication During A Breakup”

  1. June

    March 3, 2022 at 11:52 am

    I was with my ex for a year then he broke up with me out of the blue saying he felt overwhelmed and wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. He was really upset and crying telling me this, we ended on good terms, I told him I wish him all the best and I’ll always cherish our memories. Went through NC for 3 weeks then he sent me a few messages and called me saying he’s been miserable and misses me. He apologised for saying that to me the next day and we’ve texted a little bit since then, he confided in me that he is starting therapy to work through his issues. I miss him and would love to get back together but I’m not sure where we go from here or how he feels about me at the moment…

  2. May

    February 21, 2022 at 7:16 pm

    My ex and I had a good happy relationship, but near the end he started to suffer anxiety and depression. He broke up with me saying that he couldn’t be in a relationship anymore. A few weeks later he said never wanted to talk to me or see our dog again, blocked me, and has pretended I don’t exist anytime he’s seen me in person (we have mutual friends and work in the same place). I have given him 45 days of no contact. What do I do now? I am not sure I want him back, but I am definitely really annoyed he keeps ignoring me and wish we could be normal/friends at least.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 1, 2022 at 11:11 pm

      Hi May, so you need to go into another NC if he keeps ignoring you but if he chooses not to answer you, and you get annoyed this shows that you did not fully get to work on yourself during your NC, you need to be okay with not hearing from him when you reach out. This is the point where you realise that there is a change in your relationship dynamics and that he does not have any impulse on your emotions.