What Your Ex Says Vs. What They Mean- The Comprehensive Guide

909 thoughts on “What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means”

Suzanne

March 15, 2015 at 6:56 pm

Hi Chris,

I dated a guy for two wonderful month, younger than me by 5 years, he ended things out of the blue via a text, after a week of NC, he bombarded my phone wanting to explain and convinced me to meet him to explain, I broke NC and met him, for a brief hour, turns out he’s 8 years younger and doesn’t see himself marrying someone that much older than him, he knows he was a jerk for not being upfront ect so there wasn’t much need to beat him over the head, he did a good job of it himself. Feelings got tangled along the way and he couldn’t keep lying, I get that, to him I was one of the most amazing women he ever met, I do believe there were genuine feelings, we had great times. I was a lady about it, I do care a lot for him,
My questions is, is there any point of going NC here? Is there any chance love will conquer his belief system?
I appreciate your respone

admin

March 18, 2015 at 6:37 pm

He must have been freaked about the age difference and felt inadequate…

I think that NC is still a good idea and that the two of you can get back together BUT I would ask you this. Do you think he is the one?

I mean, the one wouldn’t treat you that way.

Just my two cents.

Shay

March 15, 2015 at 6:21 pm

Chris,

My situation is a bit complicated. I did your program back in October 2013 and we were doing really well for a year. But then his friends with benefits seriously sabotaged us, and we got in a huge fight this past December. I became a text gnat cause I really wasn’t sure why he was mad at me, when she instigated the entire thing. Last night, he ended with us to stop messaging each other and that our friendship is/was unhealthy and to let it evaporate. But the thing is, we DID have chemistry and got to know each other on a very deep level.

I don’t know if it is him talking, or her doing the instigating because he is currently in another country temporarily, but doesn’t know when he is coming back.

admin

March 18, 2015 at 6:31 pm

WOW, you are one of the first movers to Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

The site really started taking off in 2013 so thanks for stickign with me.
Shay

March 15, 2015 at 6:25 pm

One more thing, out of the blue last night he decided to unfriend me on facebook. We had arguments in the distant past before and he never unfriended me. Although last night, I decided to make my account public and I am wondering if his FWB saw that I was still friends with him and she told him not to? I don’t know…I feel like he turned a 360 and am seeing a new person replace him. I also think he is having issues at school, but I wish i was there for him- I could help him 🙁
admin

March 18, 2015 at 6:31 pm

I am not shocked, men do this thing sometimes.

Are you blocked on the phone?

If not, I wouldn’t start panicking.
Shay

March 15, 2015 at 6:22 pm

There’s more to it, but I can’t even sleep at night right these days. 🙁
admin

March 18, 2015 at 6:30 pm

Hi Shay,

I am really sorry you are having trouble sleeping but your first priority is getting yourself right.

Shannon

March 15, 2015 at 6:10 pm

Hi Chris! So first off I wanna say you’re a genius! Things have been going awesomely with my ex and I did everything you said. We were texting and he brought up that I should come over his house so Friday night I did. It was great!! We talked and had a good time and he brought up getting back together and asked me what I thought about it and stuff. He said he’s definitely going down that path of us getting back together. And then we just started talking about stupid stuff and out of no where he kissed me! And then we started to make out and things got hot and heavy but I left before it went too far. We’ve been texting and stuff and he’s only home for the weekend so I have a couple questions.

We hung out Friday, he told me he was gonna see me again and I asked him to hang out tonight (Sunday) but he’s sick. He’s going back to base until Friday night and he only has until Sunday night and then he goes back to base. He comes home usually every weekend. Should I ask him to hang out when he’s home or should I let him initiate it? And should I go into mini nc periods? Right now he knows I want to get back together and I want him to think I’m harder to get back than I really am.

admin

March 18, 2015 at 6:30 pm

Hi Shannon!

I think I featured you again in episode 19 and I am just now getting around to answering this comment haha. Sorry for the late response.
Shannon

March 18, 2015 at 9:07 pm

Yeah never mind. My mind was just over thinking things. (I do that sometimes) he told me welcome back and I said it’s good to be back so we’re back together. Thanks so much for everything. I’m still going to be an active reader of this site and listen to your podcasts and even though I’m not trying to get him back anymore, I still want a happy and healthy relationship so I’m going to listen to you. I have a couple questions though.

He never texts me first. I can text him and we’ll talk. But that was a problem in our relationship before, when he was home he wouldn’t ask me to hang out and he rarely texted me first. Which isn’t a big deal, well the texting thing isn’t anyway. I’m trying to get it through my head that I don’t need to talk to him all the time. Also in our previous relationship I would ask him to hang out when he was home. I felt needy doing that. I really wanna see him this weekend but what if he doesn’t ask me to hang out? Should I ask him?
admin

March 21, 2015 at 3:15 pm

Hi Shannon,

You are so welcome for everything.

Umm.. I would say talk to him very calmly about this. Also, make him realize that if current behavior persists your time isn’t going to be wasted by him.
Shannon

March 15, 2015 at 10:29 pm

Okay now I’m over thinking everything.. If he told me he wants to get back together, why didn’t he just ask me out then?
Shannon

March 16, 2015 at 12:37 am

So now how do I finish off this whole process? What’s the last step… How do I get him to ask me out?
admin

March 18, 2015 at 6:55 pm

Didn’t he already ask you out in Ep 19?

Kim

March 15, 2015 at 2:32 pm

What about when a guy says, “It’s too late.” 🙁

admin

March 15, 2015 at 5:34 pm

Give me more to work with.

Did he say it during a fight?

After you were desperate and begged?

Did you cheat on him to make him say it?
Kim

March 15, 2015 at 6:49 pm

I guess desperate and begged. There were a lot of things I would have liked to have done differently now that the reality of the break-up is sinking in.

At the same time, I don’t know if we really got back together if I really could promise to change certain things. It would feel like walking on ice where what I say or do could possibly be me doing something that I did in the past contributing to the break-up. The willingness is there, the actual forethought to make sure I don’t say or do something stupid before I do it is complicated.
admin

March 18, 2015 at 6:32 pm

I hear what you are saying.

May I ask what things he would want you to change?

Like what kind of things do you feel you are walking on ice about?
Kim

March 19, 2015 at 2:33 am

Things he wants me to change (that I can think of from the top of my head):

-Probably me letting go of the fact that he slept with his ex/mother of his kids while we were still dating. Even though technically he didn’t do anything wrong because we didn’t declare exclusitivity (although I feel like his ex manipulated me into agreeing to taking it slow so she can weasel her way in still while she still lived with him). I also blamed his chronic history of infidelity and sleeping with his baby mama (who has a long history of infidelity herself) the reason why he and I both have genital HSV-2. Drama, I know. I hate it.

-When I mention something, I should mention it once and not repeat it again a week later or weeks later like. For instance, when I mentioned his baby mama is like an anchor who will jeopardize his future relationships– I mentioned it more than once. I basically go into a rant about certain negative things that will come up again from time to time.

Things I feel I am walking on ice about:

-He’ll say one thing that I specifically remember the wording and then I’ll bring it up to him as a point he’s made and then he’ll go back and state he was joking or that he meant this or that I heard it wrong. For instance, he mentioned that while he was dating this smoking hot separated single mom that he wanted to sleep with her, but not want to sleep with her and I brought that up to him in a later conversation and he denied saying it and that he meant this. He snaps at me about it when I insist otherwise. And he’s already emotional around me anyway, so now I’m restarting the NC rule for the 3rd time. Not that I have a choice because he blocked me anyway, so I guess it’s up to him to decide when to initiate contact

I feel like everything he said after our break-up about this separated single mom he’s seeing contradicts his actions. He says he doesn’t want to be the other guy and what if she gets back with her husband, yet he’s dating her anyway (courting he calls it- they have not gotten physical, just going out and taking things slow.) But he’s taking her out on dates that he’s never taken me out to before. There’s no quality time where it was just him and me being away from his kids and out doing something fun. Whereas he’s paying someone to watch his kids, so he can go shooting or see a comedy show with this ungettable separated mom. He’s even already told her about his genital herpes and said “no glove, no love.” and she was ok with it (despite him saying she friendzoned him – although I don’t know if she friendzoned him for now only to undo it later on maybe after her divorce is final or what.) He’s told me he has feelings for her and he thinks she has feelings for him.

I feel like backing off for good honestly. Although I was excited to see that this separated mom has put her dating profile back up after hiding it because she couldn’t handle dating while being separated initially and played the disappearing act on my ex (which he then used that time to contact me and I caved on upholding NC.) Then the separated mom reconnected with him, they went on another date this past weekend and then my ex shut me out cold for good.
admin

March 21, 2015 at 3:47 pm

Hi Kim,

Yes, this is certain a very drama filled situation.

I would say that priority number one is whether or not you can have a happy long lasting relationship with him.

If you don’t see it happening I think healing yourself internally is the way to go.
Kim

March 15, 2015 at 6:56 pm

And also he’s given me plenty of chances to change and I keep reoffending so I’m really concerned. I think this might be the nail on the coffin or the kiss of death. Lol.

He’s also been on the dating site really quick and actively chatting with people.. I’d like to see an article on your perspective of a guy going through that.

I also wanted to know what separates a girl trying to get her ex back right after no contact and gradually building up rapport with him vs a girl being in the friend zone and looking like she’s staying there? At what point do you realize, maybe nothing more can happen or that it’s just happening too slowly? Does that make any sense?
admin

March 18, 2015 at 6:37 pm

Like a guy going on a dating site after a breakup?
admin

March 21, 2015 at 3:36 pm

The short answer would be yes. An ego feed. Or he is seeking attraction.
hydrangea

March 22, 2015 at 5:04 pm

Hi Chris. Is this reply for me? As i couldn’t find my comments here only this second half of it. Should i leave my comment again? thanks!
admin

March 24, 2015 at 8:01 pm

Could you please!
Kim

March 15, 2015 at 7:03 pm

Also if an ex states that he doesn’t want to be friends if the girl has feelings for him still and is trying to get him back how will that change a girl’s approach? Does it even change at all? Do you have to build up to it slowly until we have our ex hooked and then you’re a bit more blunt about it? I dunno!! Sorry for being a comment gnat! I just have a lot to say…Bursting with questions! LOL.
admin

March 18, 2015 at 6:38 pm

I am a huge fan of building up to it slowly.

That is how I would approach it.

And unlike ex boyfriends I like gnat comments. I think it adds more value to this website.

Ashleigh

March 15, 2015 at 9:31 am

Hi Chris, I hope you can impart your wisdom in my current situation.

I was with a guy for a year, when we met, there was constant contact an effort, I never had to second guess his feelings, I just knew. After 8 months he started becoming distant and I was aware that he was texting another girl to some extent, though I don’t know what. Come to the year mark (three days before Christmas which we had made plans for), he broke it up with a reason he wasn’t happy with his life, particularly his work and the relationship wasn’t an issue. Though I was devastated I told him if he needed the time it was fine. I didn’t react at first but it eventually got to really bad texting rows.

After a few months he was back in contact saying he missed me. But there was no follow through… And then changing his mind. This happened every few months over a 2 year period and I stopped believing he meant what he said and I told him that.

It’s been 4 years since we broke up, and again he text me (about 5 months ago), again saying he missed me. I was honest with him that I couldn’t be sure he meant it and wasn’t sure I’d be able to get over the hurt he caused me. I said I was willing to try. His communication was poor, he didn’t have any time to see me and his effort lacked. I raised these points with him but it was the case I should ‘chill out’, though when I did I wouldn’t get anything for a week if not longer…. We have met up a couple of times and we have enjoyed each other’s company though I’m still left feeling like I don’t know how he feels about things.

After two weeks not talking, again because I didn’t think he was making any time and effort for ‘us’, I asked him how he was and he told me about some
Minor surgery he was finally getting, I offered to keep him company and cook for him that weekend when I was free. He said he’d have to see how he felt and get back to me. When he got back to me he didn’t bring up the weekend so I did. He then told me he had made plans with friends so couldn’t see me. I was pretty devastated that he felt more inclined to spend time with friends than see me, when he hadn’t seen each other in a month and still in the depths of ‘I want you’ (quote from him). Again I told him how i felt and we didn’t speak for a week.

The week later, he texts me like nothing was wrong and I told him I’m not playing these games anymore, he said he wasn’t. And I told him again, that the communication, effort and time wasn’t there and I wasn’t sure what he expected from me. It’s clear that I get annoyed at him for what he doesn’t, and he gets annoyed at me because of what I do.

I suggested that we met up and talked properly face to face as we always have text conversations/arguments and we need to air it out. We sat down an I did most the talking; I know he doesn’t like to communicate issues. I told him about the communication side: I don’t expect a text every hour of every day but when he doesn’t text all day and I can see him on and off whatsapp, it’s clear he can he just doesn’t want to. He said he was afraid as I’m always on his back. As a result of that, he said he does miss me and wants to be with me, wants to get past all this mess and will work on communicating better, though it’s hard with the time side because of work. I did tell him I was feeling quite insecure and apologised for being difficult, I just needed to see the good bits for the here and now to forget the things in the past which he said he understood.

In that week, the texting has been a bit better, we met up for lunch which was a nice afternoon. We were supposed to be seeing eac other again that week though it was cancelled very last minute due to him having interviews for a new job, which I understood and suggested he made it up to me. He then suggested going out Saturday which I agreed to. I didn’t hear from him all day Friday which made me dubious to him wanting to go out (I forgot to mention he cancelled in the same manner weeks before). I enquired about Saturday night on Saturday morning, he told me he wasn’t feeling well so wanted to be by himself. I did say we could do a night in but he declined. I left him most the day and asked him how we was doing, he said he felt better. We had a few general chit chat type texts and then nothing. Again I don’t mind he didn’t want to speak to me constantly but I could see him going on/offline all night. Well, it seemed clear to me that he just wasn’t that bothered. I did message him about it being apparent we aren’t on the same page, and he just reploed about something of a dating website ( I did go on a while ago but I’ve no idea how to get off!!), which made me mad; why didn’t he bring that up when we talked?? I ended up being the text nag which I shouldn’t have and left what I said about him having communication issues and to stop wasting my time otherwise.

His reply, eventually was that he was done with this and to delete his number. We’ve done this soo many times now. He’s 31 and I feel like he needs to grow up in his sense of communicating. My problem is he just seems to be the guy I can’t move on from. I know we both can make each other happy and we were happy when we were together with very few arguments.

Is there any coming back from this and does he mean what he says?? I don’t get after me telling him a week ago that I couldn’t do it, to him wanting to make it work, to this??

admin

March 18, 2015 at 6:21 pm

I agree in the fact that he probalby needs to grow up on the communicating side of things.

There is some coming back from this. However, I think the smartest thign for you at this point is self improvement.

Have you done the no contact rule yet?

Ideally this is a perfect time for self improvement and self reflection.
Ashleigh

March 19, 2015 at 4:53 pm

Thanks for your reply.

I had a long think about it and thought that maybe I am holding bad feelings against him from everything that happened in the past, and maybe I need to let go of that and treat this like a new relationship? I did express the ‘letting go’ part to him and he seemed to react well to that, and asked me out straight away. His texting is better slightly as well.

We had a date night and I think we both had a good time. He stayed over and things did get a little hot and heavy, I did say a few times I didn’t want to rush it but quite clearly the attraction is still there for is both.

I am trying to focus on self-improvement/not coming off as needy

Do you think that he is using me in both an emotional and physical sense or am I over thinking ?
Ashleigh

March 19, 2015 at 9:15 pm

Well my days update after our date night last night. He said he’d text me later….. It’s bedtime and I’ve had nothing

Anonymous

March 14, 2015 at 8:28 pm

Greetings,

Well, my LDR Ex sent me a similar text: “Its over because its not meant to be”. He said this most likely b/c I’d been a text GNAT (per your previous advice and notes above). So after I waited 35 days NC and then sent him a picture of a musician he’d introduced me to thats playing in a fest in his city next month but he never responded…

Well, last night 11:20PM (21 days after) he texted me referring to musician, “Oh yeah”. Just for some back story that might matter, his bday is Tuesday so he could be celebrating this weekend or he could be working (I have no way of knowing unless I asked).

Would you recommend I wait 9 days to finish 30DNC and respond to the music subject or start a new/funny convo about dancing?

I’ve been an EBR gnat myself, left you a VM/and used to comment here regularly. I don’t want to screw this up and will be refraining from my previous habit of responding in a super emotional state. Any advice with this recent development would be awesome.

admin

March 15, 2015 at 5:15 pm

No, I would wait 9 days and start with a fresh text.

Emily

March 14, 2015 at 6:01 pm

hi chris,

my ex boyfriend and I were each other’s first in everything, falling in love, kissing and hugging (and where i come from its not okay for girls and boys to have physical interaction with each other so we used to have romantic sneak outs). His best friend said that my ex is kind of regretting the whole breakup and he got kind of angry and envious when his best friend got back to his girlfriend and he always gets a little bit sad and angry when he sees how happy his best friend is and that he thinks he misses me, however my ex is really stubborn and its been 22 days through the NC and he didn’t contact me yet, when he broke up he said that it’s more “comfortable” that way. He also said a lot of hurtful things during the breakup. I was just wondering, does me being his first in a lot of things increase my chances in getting him back or not? especially that it was extreme fun being rebels and kiss and hug even though our culture and all of that….
Thank You.

admin

March 15, 2015 at 5:08 pm

Really?

You were his first hug?

Tell me, do you have a good game plan planned out for what to do after the NC?
Emily

March 15, 2015 at 10:12 pm

yeah where we come from we can’t have physical interaction with boys and the same goes for boys they can’t have physical interaction with each other.
umm, no not really.
I really need to know what should i do after the NC period, i know about the texts and all of that but i don’t know what should i do after that…..
Emily

March 15, 2015 at 10:28 pm

they can’t have physical interaction with girls***

Ashley

March 14, 2015 at 5:49 pm

Hi Chris!

This one was a really good read, and you always put so much detail into your articles. I know I said this is my voicemail, but my ex did at one point pretty much say we are never getting back together. Which brings me to my next point. TINDER. I know you hear a lot about it and probably have no idea what it is, but it is pretty much used for sex. He would always bad about it when we were together, but since we broke up apparently he has been using it. Does that means my chances are even lower?! Like it shows he is more headset on moving on. What is your take on this “Tinder” app?

admin

March 15, 2015 at 4:57 pm

I think it seems kind of gross… Tinder is used for sex how exactly?

(sounds like an STD to me hahaha.)
Ashley

March 15, 2015 at 8:02 pm

Hahaha you actually may be on the right track with that one… Gross!

Basically it is in the sense you talk to someone in hopes of maybe going on one date or meeting up, and then hooking up afterwards. My ex, for example, has told me before that the girls on Tinder are “sloots”, it is desperate, and only one thing comes from it. Which is funny because he used it before we got together as well. It is literally an app that allows you to swipe left or right depending on looks, and then it’s a match if both parties swept right for like. Then again, not everyone uses it to get a hookup out of it, I’m sure, but it doesn’t have the best track record for being used otherwise!
admin

March 18, 2015 at 6:42 pm

Seriously, it sounds like a hooker service to me.

I would be so afraid of STD’s if I was a guy on there.

Rony

March 14, 2015 at 2:21 pm

Thats PERFECT Chris .. PERFECT!

admin

March 15, 2015 at 4:45 pm

Thanks Rony!

Super glad you like this article.

I figured this would be a popular one.

Pearl

March 14, 2015 at 10:54 am

Hi Chris ! THIS , THIS entry or notes ( i don’t know what to call it) is a very much needed insights for us to understanding men. I mean, i wouldn’t be jumping right now out of joy (but kinda want to when i see this post ! ) just because i have the cheat sheet right now. I know that i still have zillion thing to improve if i really want him back.

I’ve been commenting quite a number in your very very useful previous posts, so i feel kinda shy to actually request you to make an entry like this.

From many women to you, Zillion thank you !

Just if i may,out of curiosity. why do men cry if they who wanted the break up? and why do they brought up their past break up with his ex(before me) when he is breaking up with me? (hope you understand what i’m trying to say here)

admin

March 15, 2015 at 4:45 pm

Thanks Pearl!

Why do men cry?

Well, I imagine because it gets them emotional as well. It is sad going through a breakup. However, some men will fake cry on purpose just so it looks like they are super upset but that is a rare occurrence.

anika

March 14, 2015 at 9:02 am

What if an ex says , I am attracted to you physically but I m very unattracted to you intellectually ? He says he is not attracted to my nature anymore. So we can’t get back together. Also a very common line that I hear always is we are both very different n want different things in life so this isn’t gonna work. Can u break these down please?

admin

March 15, 2015 at 4:39 pm

It means he likes the physical benefits but he thinks you are not his equal.

Is there truth to his line? Are you two very different or is it something you think he is just saying?
anika

March 15, 2015 at 5:08 pm

We are very different and that’s a huge problem for us. We never agree with each other on most of things. But is that a reason to think about divorce? I mean do u think that he is being true when he says this is the only reason that makes wanna divorce me.
admin

March 18, 2015 at 6:26 pm

I am just going to tell you my own personal beliefs.

Sometimes opposites do attract but I have seen a lot of successful relationships where common interests are shared.

I also don’t think he is giving you all the reasons. Often there are a lot of reasons that makes someone want to leave.

adj

March 14, 2015 at 4:08 am

it sucks cuz my ex and i just got over a fight after doing the no contact rule he really put a 100% in trying to make it work. i have this situation shortly after where my ex broke up with me over something i said to him that he took very offensive. he told me to just let the relationship go. (probably cuz the whole year and a half we were together we kept breaking up no matter how much we tried) he told me to pack all his things left at my house and to just leave his things outside cuz he didnt want to see me and interact. we hadnt talked since. its been almost a month. although i dont want to get back with him, i miss him and just want to be friends. but i think hes so mad at me that he doesnt even want to do that.

admin

March 15, 2015 at 4:38 pm

Has he gotten his things?

If it has been almost a month of NC then it may be worth trying to reach out at this point.

mfy

March 14, 2015 at 2:26 am

Hi Chris! I’m almost done with my no contact rule. 11 days left and I have been exercising every day. My ex told me before that he is not closing any doors with us. I already commented here before that we are in long distance and I heard in your podcast that one of us should make an effort for a move but the problem is I can’t. I have an important job here but I still want to get back together with him. Do you think there is still a chance of us getting back together?

admin

March 15, 2015 at 4:35 pm

This a problem (the distance) that you have to solve together as a couple.

I didn’t say you had to move I just said one person realistically has to to make things work.

Carlla

March 14, 2015 at 1:09 am

Hi, I need some advice and Ill do my best to make it short. My ex and i have been off and on for 5 yrs. The most current breakup I started to sense in Dec. when he acted distant. I would question if he was having 2nd thought and he’d say no. Then he finally broke up with me. After about 5 wks no contact he asked me if I wanted to still be friends and I told him I’d think about it.

The thing is that I have always asked my ex if he were seeing anyone else. He exclaims and swears that he isn’t, but he will lie. My question is why is it my ex just cant be honest with me. I’ve told him over the phone if he is let me know and I will move forward and never speak to him again, but he will swear he isn’t.

I called him the other day and he didnt answer his phone so I had to go by his apt. to see if he would take me to my sisters funeral since my car is a beater and its out of state. I knocked on the door and he told a female to not answer it and then threatened to call the cops. Just a few days prior to this he wanted to be friend and asked for a hug. What gives?!?

admin

March 15, 2015 at 4:30 pm

Question, has he ever done anything to make you think that he was seeing someone else?
carla

March 24, 2015 at 3:04 am

Yes he has, but he keeps saying he isn’t.

Jessie

March 14, 2015 at 12:46 am

Hey Chris, question for you. You went over what your ex means when he says he never loved you, but what if he says he could never see himself falling in love with you?

That line came out during the fight that ended up leading to our breakup. Me and my ex aren’t people who throw the L-word out lightly, and although my feelings for him were strong, I wouldn’t have been comfortable saying it to him with the way the relationship was going as well as the way he treated it. So when we broke up, he told me that he could never see himself falling in love with me or having a future with me. It felt like kind of a low blow in the heat of the moment, but it still cut me deeply and discourages me from thinking that it’s possible to get him back.

admin

March 15, 2015 at 4:29 pm

I think its a very similar line of thinking as the “he never loved you” stuff.

I know it cuts deeply but don’t take it personally. Especially if it was during a fight its possible that he was saying it out of anger.

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