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Dawn
February 13, 2015 at 10:41 pm
I was dating this guy for about a month and I ended up feeling insecure after we slept together. I wish we didn’t do it but it happened and right after it happened, everything seemed fine. We still texted and talked and he was the one to initiate conversation. Then 2 days before xmas, I blew up at him because I thought he wanted to see other people (we met on line) and he was still on that website. I was too but mostly to check up on him .. I just got divorced in 2014 so I was very guarded with my feelings and didn’t want to go through anymore hell with a guy, So I told him that it wasnt working out for me. I regretted that decision. I emailed him to ask for a 2nd chance. He ignored that email but 10 days later sent me a random text msg that had nothing to do with that email. To make a long story short, we started texting each other this past week and I got his attention by telling him that he was on my mind and that I saw a movie that we watched together and it made me smile (something I learned from your ebook). It instantly got his attention and he engaged in conversation with me. I ended the convo by not texting back anymore so that I had the upper hand and later that night he sent me a text. The problem is that yesterday I sent him a text that was kinda boring and he hasnt responded back yet. I am going to give it a week if I dont hear back from him and reach out with a more interesting text and say something sweet like my text that caught his attention the other day. I bought the ebook and it helped me alot but towards the end of the book when you get to the point of us texting daily (where Im at now), you dont go into detail when the texting stops what do I do? Go back into NC for a week? Im assuming thats what I do so I am going to try it. I have never been an insecure person but after going through a divorce, it seems to change you. I would have classified myself as that “ungettable girl” back in the day ( i am 40 and he’s 39). Now, I feel like I know nothing about men and dating and its so frustrating.
Ahni
February 12, 2015 at 8:09 am
My ex and I have been broken up for 4 months, and I went on and off of no contact which yielded positive results, and we now can be around each other without emotions flying. We had some productive talks, which didn’t lead to getting back together, but he expressed some of his frustrations, and I listened. We haven’t gone on a date, but our interaction are positive and when we do see each other there is lots of giggling, and the feelings are definitely there. His reason though, for continuing the breakup are like you said, his “reason” or “rational” part of him is saying it will interfere with his studies, and future plans.
Our only contact right now is through email, and when we cross paths at work, so its minimal. I’ve left a good impression, so Im thinking to back off , but I don’t want him to think I’m playing games, since he really hasn’t responded well to that. He still doesn’t contact me first, but when I do push a little it seems to be productive.
I realize this needs to be his idea.. What should be my next step?
admin
February 16, 2015 at 10:13 pm
Hmm… do you have the ability to text him on the phone?
Ahni
February 18, 2015 at 7:54 am
I can text him sometimes, he goes off and on blocking me from ‘whatsapp’… He’s asked for some space to see if he can ‘get his old feelings back’ and says that he still doesn’t want anything serious and that hanging out with me is too harmful and makes him anxious. He did say he wants to hang out in the future, and hopes his feelings do come back though. So I’ve deleted the app we used so that I wouldn’t be temped. I’m going back to NC.. Im thinking he hasn’t had a chance to miss me. What do you think?
Ahni
February 13, 2015 at 5:12 pm
My only issue is, we talked just before we were getting along great, and he said that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me, and didn’t know if he was still in love with me. Im not sure if I should respect that and stop trying.
sabrina
February 11, 2015 at 9:13 am
my ex does have a case of getting back together with the ex girlfriend. before me he dated a girls for 2 year and then she brokeup with him. a couple months later he decided that he wanted her back so he got her back only to have end it half a year after (he dumped her). this story has me hoping that i might be another ex he decides to get back with (he brok up with me though).
i do think that him getting back together with her was a power play becuase HE was dumped and not the other way around… does that make sence? could it be just an ego and power play for him? and therefor i shouldn’t hope that history repeats it’s self becuase this time there is on power play, he dumped me.
about the you gotta change his mind…
if i don’t see him, talk to him or anything else (NC)how in hell will he see that i’m the best one out there for him? how can i p[lay on his emocional side and logical side when i can’t even talk to him???
i’m quit confused here…
Aivi
February 11, 2015 at 8:49 am
Hey there,
My ex of a year broke up with me almost a month ago and I’ve been on NC for two weeks. He broke up with me because he lost feelings. He initially broke up with me in early December but took it back the day after. Since then he distanced himself and I understand why. I kept clinging onto him hoping it’ll remind him of what good we had together. We rarely argued and whatnot. I admit I lost myself in the relationship during that last month because I felt like I was losing him. Fast forward to the break up, he actually broke up with me 3 times that week and always came back and try to work things out but the thing is, he forced the feelings. He never brought up this issue to me but I saw the red flags and ignored it bc I was naive.
I have been working on myself with exercise to tone myself and get back the part of me that lost itself in the relationship. I’ve done a lot of self improvement with my attachment issues and insecurities. I finally took off the rose colored glasses and saw things for what they were and how I can’t do anything to fix it.
We jumped into being friends too quickly bc I thought I was ready for it but I wasn’t so I told him I’ll be out of his life (he was acting hot and cold to me). Later that day, he blocked/unblocked me on social media and made his accounts private even though he said he never would bc that’s immature. I talked to my friend who’s his friend about it and he showed me a screenshot that said “I’m not being immature. At the moment, I need her out. I’ll add her back if she ever normalizes”. Of course that upset me but I respected his space and I will continue to do it.
I have a class with him and I pay no attention to him as much as possible but I see through my peripheral vision that sometimes he looks at me when I get up or just randomly throughout class. We share the same friends but I don’t involve myself with them if I know he’s going to be around.
A couple of days ago, he stopped me midway on the stairs while walking to class and said “Can you delete the ‘selfies’?” then turned and walked back to his friends who were obviously staring at us. It was a 5 second affair and he sounded so hostile and emotionless. I have never heard him speak like this towards me. I don’t think he just decided to speak to me then because of opportunity because we have a class together! Like c’mon dude.
I spoke to that same friend if he knew anything about why he’s acting that way towards me. He said “He wants you to delete nudes and stop talking shit about him”. I confided in people and vented to them about my issues and the breakup so I don’t understand why he feels the need to get upset and be a jerk about it when I confided in those people and they went and told him about it. That friend also told me that my ex told him to delete me off his snapchat and stop talking to me but obviously he didn’t listen haha.
My last attempt to bring him back in was reading him an article about the 5 stages of relationships. I explained how the feeling he’s experiencing is the power struggle stage.. the loss of that spark. I read how couples can get through it together but only if you see the problems, fix them, lower expectations and look past flaws. He listened but said that he’s still sure on his decision. This was a week after the final break up. Maybe I was still holding onto the hope that he would come back again.
My ex and I were best friends before we started dating and it was completely unexpected for us to fall in love. We were happy and our relationship was so easy. There was a point in our relationship when I was losing feelings and I was upfront about it. Somehow with his help, he pulled me back in. I wonder of he followed his advice about “outweighing the good and the bad” and “problems are problems because they can be fixed” (direct quotes from texts he sent me). He was the first one to initiate talks about the future and goals for us. I guess love changes..
. I have already stashed away his mementos, transferred our pictures and deleted him off my phone completely. I don’t have the urge or need to talk to him or stalk him on social media because what’s the point.
I would like to know if he’ll ever stop feeling hostile towards me and if there’s any chance for reconciliation. I don’t understand this passive aggressiveness. Thanks for reading this far.
Vicki
February 10, 2015 at 9:47 pm
We never fought. There are no negative memories. Everything was all wine and roses, until he remembered that he wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship. He’s recently divorced and wants to be “free” for a while. He “doesn’t want something deep.” Just wants a to date and have “shallow” relationships and he doesn’t want to use me. He felt his heart was going to another level and he didn’t want to go there yet so, rather than cheat on me or use me, he broke up with me even though we were happy and everything was going great.
Today is day 29 of NC. I’m thinking of sending a first text on day 31. But, something’s telling me he’s not ready. Do I start with a text anyway and see how it’s going?
admin
February 11, 2015 at 1:59 pm
Yes, start the text anyway.
Vicki
February 10, 2015 at 10:21 pm
I worded that last line wrong. I don’t mean to see how it’s going. I mean to see how it goes if I text him. I have read the book. I know not to text something like that.
Christine Obee
February 10, 2015 at 4:35 am
Hi Chris,
My ex and I have broken up for 2 years now and I am still hung up on it. I was everything you listed on this post (except cheating) we didn’t have the best relationship as we always argued (because of me) and I was needy in his eyes.
But my question is, why is HE the one who is always trying to hang out with me but he never makes it clear to me that he wants to get back together… that idea never comes up. He just asks me to go hang out (of which I usually decline because I’m afraid he will hurt emotionally, just incase he just wants to be friends and I want more than that…)
If he does have the resistance towards me, do you think he’s still trying to get back together with me at all? He always brings up how terrible of a girlfriend I was 2 years ago.. but still messages me once in a while.. but seems to not be able to let go of how bad of a girlfriend I was.
admin
February 10, 2015 at 4:09 pm
Did you ever pose the question of getting back together with him?
PP
February 9, 2015 at 1:27 am
Hi, I appreciate all your efforts in helping us ladies.
Anyway, my ex and I have been together for 2 years and last december we broke up. We were always fighting and early december i broke up with him and but I came back then we had another fight (thanks to me) and then that’s when he broke up with me officially.
we haven’t talked much and I feel that he’s getting really indifferent when I tried to talk to him once. But last night, we talked through chat. and it felt like we are together again. he’s all protective again and he feels jealous because I told him about this guy sending me flowers (which is really true, but smart move eh?) we talked about how we felt during the time we were apart after the break up and basically we told each other we still miss and love each other.
we texted the next day but the “spark” of last night’s chat wasnt there anymore. it felt like we were pushing it in a way? so he said goodbye and I said bye and it felt for good. then he texted me if i wanted to go have coffee at 12. THEN TOOK IT BACK AGAIN. Like “nah it’s a bad idea. bye. bye for good.” something like that. and i know this is because of the bad things/thougts/feelings associated to me. and i told him that he’s a very confused guy. he told me sorry, he was just overthinking things and that he would still have coffee and if i wanted to go, i should go it’s just coffee anyway/ and then i told him isnt he tired of overthinking things, i was gonna agree since it’s my break and all. then he said okay then please go with me please anyway there, i said okay we’ll meet up later.
BUT I DO NOT KNOW IF THIS IS RIGHT. I might regret it? how should I go about our meeting? What if he realizes that it is a bad idea to get back with me after all and i will look pathetic? i’ve really been working so hard to move on and i do not want it to go to waste. what do i do? please help. do i have coffee with him? if yes, what do I do?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
Charlette Caldwell
February 8, 2015 at 8:03 pm
Hi.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. We’ve been having some communication issues lately because of long distance…we’ve been a part for about a year and a half. The first year, I left the city we both lived in for a job cross country, but we visited each other each month with the end goal being that we would move in together. I eventually moved closer (about 4 hours by car closer) for grad school ( i would have gone to grad school in the same state my boyfriend was living in, but sadly my application was rejected and I got a full ride scholarship to another school). Ever since I moved closer, we’ve had issues regarding communication and emotional support, which was lacking on my side because I wasn’t sure I wanted to be with him. Anyway, he called me out of the blue and said that he was done. I know why…I put my work before him and he lashed out. We still live 4 hours a part and right now I’m attempting the no contact period (day 1), what else should I be doing now ? I really miss him and after he broke up with me, I finally realized how much he truly means to me and I wish I was a better girlfriend back when we were dating.
– Thanks
admin
February 9, 2015 at 4:46 pm
Well, during NC the idea is to drastically improve yourself.
Caelia
February 7, 2015 at 12:46 pm
Hi Chris we were in a relationship for 9 months, he always said how lucky he was to have me but also many times seemed to wonder why I love him since he isnt being such a good bf.
We broke up after 1.5 months of dating bc I didnt want to take the morning after pill after an accident that we had. I am 37 he’s 38 I want kids and have not been able to get pregnant with my ex after 2years of trying, he said he wants kids with me he was so excited about me that since the 1st time we slept together he was like lets get to know each other for like 6 months and then move in and have babies. I did nc and eventually we got back together after 1.5 month of breakup.
He seemed to be having doubts about our lifestyle compatibility like he s more hippy ecologist and I m more like the consumerist/ trendy girl. But we do share the same values about everything.
So we continued dating and even went travelling in asia together for 1 month. I did volunteering there which I think gave him a reason to ease his doubts. We lived amazing moments of romance and love and sex there. He still though seemed not ready for something more so I started telling him that I m not in for a relationship that is just “dating”. Then he started talking about moving in and even moving to another country together where we could have a life closer to nature, as was his life dream. I was positive to all that. Back here we had ups and downs sometimes he was superinlove with me and others he would doubt. We went on another holiday which also brought us closer, he was now telling me that he will soon be ready to start unprotected sex with me, that he wanted a life with me etc. I was happy. I wasnt pushing but he knew I was expecting him to stop withdrawing when we made love. 2 weeks after our return from that trip he suddenly became distant over a weekend, disappeared and I had to chase him on sunday to see him. He came and was obviously distressed, he gave me tge talk it’s not you it’s me, I m not stable at the moment, I m trying to figure out what I want in my life (he had major ethical conflict about the job he was doing, hence he wanted to go away with his partner and build another life close to nature. But he wasn’t sure if I was the right one and also for him babies were just a hurdle in that moment). So he said he cant give me what I want not now not in 6 months and cannot promise anything and feels pressure.I said ok that’s fine lets break up. I only had to do nc for maybe a week but he never really stopped texting me and we met for a coffee and were both crying. 3 days later he asked me out to dinner and said he wanted to share his life with me and find a nice place to move in together and yes, have babies too. So we started having unprotected sex and I was in the clouds. And he would say he loved me so much and it just felt so solid! He never really looked for an apartment but we did make love for about a month, no pregnancy, we went on a weekend trip and there he started being negative again and moody and doubting about me and even said he was scared I could be pregnant and that he had committed too soon. Another month passed we were still “trying” but again no pregnancy, however he was now avoidinf sex with me and he was even admitting that tge reason was his doubts…he was moody and unsatisfied with me at his birthday even though I had tried to organise something nice according to his taste….few days later he said he couldn’t continue having unprotected sex anymore and wanted to take precautions for a while, until he visits a shrink and sorts things out in his head….I could feel he was being so negative about me, my tastes my looks everything annoyed him but at the same time he was also praising me. I am good looking and slim and really look much younger maybe I m not the most beautiful girl he ever had sex with but I m better looking than most of his “serious” exes.
so. I said it’s over and he shouldn’t contact me this time. He cried. He asked me not to break up. He said he needed me. Texted through the night and next morning. I was not replying. 2 days later he sent a text that seemed like a goodbye to me. I didn’t reply. One week nc and he texts to wish me happy new year. Then I start texting back but I could feel he was being very distant. We text for a week and it becomes clear that for him it’s over. He says it’s sad etc but for him it’s over and he’s not in love anymore and we should turn the page. I m devastated but I dont beg or convince him. I go nc for 11 days. I break nc by going into a bar where I knew he was in (fb check in). He s distant and cruel he says I m not in love with you it’s over you shouldn’t have come here. I dont beg or convince I just said I dont recognise you. He texts afterwards he is sorry for being so harsh but he does this to protect us. I reply that if he wanted to protect us then he shouldn’t have come back to me 3 months ago proposing a common life and babies, but ok it’s now over and no hard feelings. He texts for the next 5 days that he’s sad, one moment he feels great and the next he has doubts and doesn’t know why he’s like that, he even said he’s looking at our pictures and he doesn’t understand why we broke up….I didn’t reply to any of this. I did make some changes to my fb profile in the direction to remove his doubts and show him that we want the same things actually in life. It worked cause he “liked” and texted me after that. And his best friend asked me to meet to talk about the break up and other things (hasn’t happened yet and could be unrelated to him, I dont really know). It’s been 20 days now nc and 2weeks since his last text. He can see I am making new guy friends on fb and I do things like go skiing or visit an art fair each time with a date.
Is it salvagable? I really love him. How can I increase my value in his eyes and make him feel he madly wants me? Should I marry someone else who proposed to me, would that make him come back?
admin
February 9, 2015 at 4:06 pm
Its salvagable!
I would not marry someone who you don’t love….
Caelia
February 9, 2015 at 4:55 pm
Thank you so much Chris.
Do you think I can break nc after another month or so? We have agreed to meet “sometime” to give me back my bike. But I m waiting for a moment in which I will feel really fit and refreshed, I m still quite vulnerable even though I m dating like around 5 guys at the same time.
The other question is, is it worth wanting him back?
He said he’s not in love with me anymore and that for him it’s over….and that he had doubts about our relationship, meaning about whether I am the right person for him…often he would criticise things about me and then apologise…
at the same time he would praise me on many areas intelligence courage ideology popularity etc including on how much I loved him….
admin
February 10, 2015 at 3:19 pm
5 guys at the same time?
Oh man…
You got some serious skills!
Kiki
February 5, 2015 at 7:21 pm
My boyfriend of 3.5 years and I broke up recently while living together. We attempted to be “friends,” but I couldn’t handle it without talk of the “future” and fixing things. How could I? He still told me he loved me. He just wasn’t “in this” anymore. He also started chatting with female friends far more frequently and closing the door or going outside to do so. Every time I saw him, I’m sure my face was long and sullen, which drove him farther from me and closer to any and everyone else.
The other morning, I finally flipped a switch in my brain and told him I didn’t want to be friends. He tried to calm me down, but I pushed him and left. He moved out that day and texted a few things; he called me “deranged,” said that “NOBODY” would ever want to be with me and that he couldn’t wait to be “completely done” with me.
It’s been 24+ hours of no contact. Our families are deeply involved in our relationship as both sides want to see us together and happy. Reality is that we were not happy the way things were, but I do think we are meant to be together.
Will no contact help? Is all lost? I’m not sure if he’s just “Stubborn” guy or “Angry” guy and what I should do moving forward.
admin
February 6, 2015 at 2:05 pm
Seems he is a hybrid of both…
CM
February 2, 2015 at 1:29 am
Chris, hi! I’ve asked a few different questions on your site, and I just bought your e-book but I finally realized why I’m so confused/lost about it all now. To the point where I’m not sure if I should implement everything from your site/e-book or start half way, etc? Could you please please read this all and tell me whether you think I should proceed in the same manner!! (This really relates to the EMOTIONS PART of this post!!!)
Basically, I’m realizing that everything you’ve recommended, I did do.. Except no contact from the very beginning, or ever fully, which I know is a huge faux pas– btu at the time a shorter nc seemed more appropriate and it never seemed to hurt anything as things progressed well… btu now, it’s been ~7 months and I’ve hit a rut (for other reasons) but also I wonder if implementing a nc would even be appropriate or helpful here. Here’s what happened, in summary…
Immediately after the breakup, there was about 10 ish days nc. A few weeks after the breakup, basically everything you wrote in this article happened. I backed off, adjusted my texts, became MUCH less needy etc, he eventually asked to get coffee… then hangout/study… and then he even asked to take me to dinner! Things were looking WAY up. BUT HERE is where the curveball comes in and I just don’t really know how to handle it. (And Pretty please don’t just refer me to LDR page b/c I don’t think it necessarily applies here! Just please read on..)
So… very shortly after all of that positive stuff/dates he had to move back home to South America, b/c we’d just graduated college. In the past (like a year earlier) we’d discussed me moving with him “when the time came” and how he imagined our lives there together, etc. I even went to there visit and meet the fam last summer, and so he could convince me of how great his friends and city are so I’d want to move with him. But then graduation just came so soon that suddenly it all became “too much” for him. During those last days before he left, we both cried a lot and he said “sorry he wasn’t brave enough” and that if he was staying in the US it would all be so different and we would be together again.
So all that you said worked! But I guess I just need to take it a step further— because remember, I was willing to move there, or even to do long distance for a while as we figured it all out. (we did LDR when he studied abroad a semester so we had a lot of experience with that too and never had any huge problems with it.. but we also knew that it wasn’t permanent…) But for him, he didn’t wanna do LDR anymore while “figuring his life out” but ALSO said that me moving there was too much pressure right now. I totally understand that… But I also know that if he felt so strongly about me/us as he USED to (and in general when you really love someone), you break through barriers no matter how tough. And it also shows that his feelings for me became less strong than they were a year before… It’s really hard b/c I know that I was doing it right and it was all working picture-perfectly. And the feelings were there to get back together if he had stayed here.
–> But that being said, I feel like he’s sort of sitting right ontop of this fence and if I can just do some little thing to tap into those feelings so strongly again I could bump him to the other side of the fence…where he wants to make it work whether it means here or there or however!!? I just have no idea how to do that. =/
Before I ask my official question please know this: Since then we’ve texted pretty much all along, 10 ish days, with the longest period of time without texting being 24 days… The texts have been friendly and even sometimes “girlfriend-y” (like just happy and reminder ish, etc) and he responds the same way as well..although there are times when he just doesn’t respond.) We also Skyped for the first time last week, that went well/friendly,I think…. The texts and skype feels mostly very natural but it does feel sort of like we’re just trying to make ourselves hold back b/c we feel like that’s what we’re supposed to be doing as an “ex” couple but deep down we just feel totally natural/comfortable with eachother. Idk.
My question is this: given all that, should I get him used to talking to me again on a relatively normal basis (2-3 days ish)… or should I do exactly the opposite so that he will really feel what it’s like to not me with or talk to me.(Bc again right now it’s a little check-in text convo every 2 weeks, aka like i’m giving him the best of both worlds… btu instead I need to “push him over that fence” of emotions to make him not just want to be with me, but AT ALL COSTS. By changing what I’m doing, somehow, but I don’t know which way to go. And IF the latter, should I do 30 day nc and then start the texting all over again from the very beginning of the text steps?? Will it be effective given the timing and the circumstances, or just back-tracking? (Or nc with different text rules? I’m scared to actually make myself/”us” seem less familiar or forced) But if you say do the plan as normal I will! Bc again, SOMETHIVG HAS to change.
(The time we did 24 days without texting (and random weeks on/off) is a result of exactly this!! Me not knowing which way to go so I’ve kinda been going half and half… during the weeks of nc he never usually contacts me at all… but then when I do text again he’s always really nice and asks how I’ve been etc.. and that’s basically the pattern for all of our interactions.. So i’m very confused…)
admin
February 2, 2015 at 2:38 pm
Yes, that is the ultimate goal. To get him used to talking to you every single day but not doing all at once if that makes any sense…
CM
February 6, 2015 at 3:06 am
Right, it makes sense. But I’m wondering if FIRST I should do a nc period? And if so, which strategy is best? B/c Like Kai from the case, my ex and I have communicated all along and I never officially did 30 day nc. I think I never gave him that “fear of losing me” but I’m also not sure if the 15 day nc you suggested for Kai is ideal for me here?
B/c it’s not like we text everyday or even every week, consistently… It’s more like phases: at times we do text every few days, but other times we don’t communicate for 2 or 3 weeks at a time(never longer than 3 wks though). In the very beginning he’d contact me after just a week of not hearing me, but by now (8 months since the breakup) these sporadic text patterns have kind of become the norm and he usually never contacts me first even after a few weeks.
It’s like he’s used to talking to me frequently, but he also doesn’t worry otherwise… I’m not sure he’ll even notice 15 days nc!
The last time we texted was now 10 days ago when HE ended the convo first by just not responding to my last text.) Should I continue on with nc or break it now anyways? If nc, I have 2 questions! :
1. How much longer? Since it’s supposed to be something he wouldn’t expect and we’ve already surpassed 3 weeks (though not recently), I’m wondering if longer than 30 days?
2. Since 10 days ago HE ended first by never responding to my text, would it be more effective to start nc after I’M the one to not respond to one of HIS texts (aka, I could say something now, he responds,and then poof my nc period begins for however long you say?? Hahaha…. But really.)
cm
February 8, 2015 at 6:58 pm
I’ve gotten to a good place in the texting with him engaged but then I lose him (he ends it) several times. so then it’s sort of like I freeze — it was before I had the ebook and I kept getting that far and not sure of how to proceed so I’d just stall a few weeks. I didn’t realize at the time that it was going really well (aside not ending it first) so in my mind, the fact that he never initiated a text made me feel really lame/chasing him.
Now I realize it but Idk what the best way is to sort of “start over” (If that makes sense. I thought nc would do it but now as I’m reading on with your book maybe that’s not necessary as long as I start hooking and bowing out sooner)- Again there WAS opportunity I just wasn’t in a mindset to see all of that until now, months later, and I’m hoping I didn’t blow that by now. =/ You say to wait 2 days after a good response but what if I’ve waited 2 weeks.. pretty much after every time? ha, do I start where I left off or start one step back? Tmrw will be 2 weeks that I’ve waited now since his last “end” to our convo.
Sorry I hope any of this makes sense! Thanks:)
cm
February 10, 2015 at 11:18 pm
I’m being a “post gnat” I know, sorry. But I’ve now resorted to reading pretty much everyone’s comments trying to find a similar situation/response and I can’t.. I really appreciate your above answer Chris but it wasn’t really the point of what I was asking, at this point I’m on day 15 (of what I’ve done over and over now) but I have aboslutely no idea if this is what I’m supposed to be doing (as per usual!). I guess I’ll just wait a few more days unless I hear otherwise and then start ending the convos. This wont make sense btw unless you read all that wrote (just the posts following your first response is enough! not the first long one at this point.)
I know you’re busy though so whevever you get a chance.
admin
February 11, 2015 at 2:04 pm
Nah, this website is made for post gnats ;).
I apologize that I am not doing a great job of answering peoples questions. It is not as easy as you’d think. I am working to correct the situation though.
When I say wait 2 days I mean you should initiate contact again after 2 days.
cm
February 13, 2015 at 3:35 am
No no I totally understand!! and I don’t think it sounds easy at all! So again, thank you. 🙂
Buuuut, I wasn’t confused about waiting 2 days! Basically I’ve been trying to get my ex back in the ‘wrong way’ for the past 8 months. Somehow it still went well in getting positive/engaged responses, but no chasing me, etc. I know where I went wrong and how to make better use of your text advice so that I can start going about it the right way! But BEFORE I do that, RIGHT NOW, is where i’m very confused! I don’t want to make a mistake that’ll hurt the effectiveness of all that down the road. (note that the question marks below are more my thought process and not questions I need you to answer one by one ha, those are at the bottom but you can’t answer those questions unless you know why I’m asking them/have read the stuff in the middle– otherwise they’d just be silly questions when the answers are all over your site! 😉
For the past 8 months since the breakup, it’s been this pattern: I text… get positive response, yay we keep texting every other day-ish for about ten days… then he just stops responding… I’m like “What thats bad! It’s probably bc I never did a real NC in the beginning, and he doesn’t know what it’s like to miss me!” (rather than recognizing other text mistakes like ending the convo first)…. So I’d assume that I should wait a few weeks to make up for nc…. But then 2 weeks go by and I think “but wait, Chris says to get him used to talking to me often, and we WERE talking often! Am I retrogressing by doing this now?”… So I text him! He seems happy to hear from me and its positive, we text for about a week, then he doesn’t respond or just seems disinterested so I break it off lamely and again think “okay yeah it’s time, I’ve gotta create that sense of urgency that I never properly did… ” so I don’t text him for 10-20 days (note that it’s never been over 3 weeks though). And the process has repeated like this! To the point where I wonder if now I’ve totally desensitized him to not hearing from me for a few weeks (aka 30 day nc could go totally unnoticed by him!) — But at the same time, I’ve ALSO gotten him used to texting me often during the weeks that we do text! So staying in nc much longer could just be taking a step backwards now/sort of canceling out the positive text progress we’ve made?
My first instinct is always that he needs to feel what life is actually like without me in it, bc it feels like this little pattern we’ve created is predictable and not friend-zoney but more like having the best of both worlds (breakup was sort of circumstantial, so there was a lot of crying and from both sides and we agreed to keep doors open for the future… ) it could mean a really long nc though and could just let him move on… =/ Also he does seem happy to hear from me after the 3 week spans… so maybe he does feel life without me, I just need to play my cards right this time around….
NOW it’s been 16 days since he last didn’t respond. Knowing what you now know, should I go ahead and text (aka you think the effects of nc I missed out on in the past will be compensated for via my new text strategies like leave him hanging a little)… or no, wait longer (how long?). If you say text now, subquestion: will it “hurt” if I actually wait one more week? ha only b/c Ive determined Thursday to be a good day to send the 1st again text (I have reason behind this too but I’ll spare you!) But if an added week will hurt more than help nvm!
Thanks again a lot.. maybe it seems like i thought way too hard over this but its just something i keep making excuses for back and forth depending on if he answers or he doesnt, etc, and I’ll just feel a lot more confident when I know that i’m at least trying the right things! 🙂
cm
February 6, 2015 at 9:10 pm
2 quick thoughts that might help with last post:
*If you think the long Nc is a good idea: His bday is at the end of March. Maybe I could just not reach out at all until then… and then make it a really fantastic, heart-felt birthday text?
*If not: I didn’t mention that even though we have “frequent texting” phases, I’m really bad at ending the convo first. I already know to fix this whether I do nc or not– but maybe instead of nc its better to just start texting again now and focus on that as my “sense of urgency” factor.
Elize
January 30, 2015 at 5:03 am
Hi Chris
Thanks for your response.
In general his messages and specifically his Facebook message that he is sorry he miss what we had, he hopes that it is going good with me. When I started NC the first time he asked me about a half hour to an hour into NC if I was ignoring him, that is why I said he will know if I go into NC, he picks up little things quickly. He also contacted me every hour on the hour every day and when I didn’t answer he called my family in the middle of the night at 3 asking how I’m doing. We have mutual friends who he also asked about me. I don’t need him back, I would just like to have a second shot at us having a new great relationship.
admin
January 30, 2015 at 4:44 pm
This is one of those cases where you can probably shorten your NC to 21 days.
Elize
January 29, 2015 at 5:49 am
Hi Chris
It’s me again, don’t think you’ll remember me, but I was the girl who blew up your email last year when my boyfriend asked me to be friends until I have my things sorted out on my best friends birthday.
During the last couple of months he drove past me at my work two times, contacted me in June which I answered and every time I change my whatsup picture he changes his like in the beginning when he “copied” my actions. In March, April and May I initiated contact after completing to which he responded instantly every time and he even used my “pet” name he had for me, I was so happy, only to realise that he was still hurt, angry and tested me when one of the sms’ backfired. U used the guess what guess what approach, him asking what and my pet name and when I said I heard/saw something that made me think of him and made me smile, he asked if I still think of him to which I realised I better choose my words carefully. When I told him “now and then” he replied good, he doesn’t because I made his life hell. Not to be funny or anything but that is not true, the only one thing I ever did was becoming needy and too loving, showering him with gifts. My question is I have run out of ideas how to reconnect or re attract him/answer his messages , afraid he will lash out again like the one message he sent in March it is called moving on(2 and a half months after the break up, however in December exactly a week before Christmas he messaged me on Facebook (after deleting me in April) and said Hello there, I am sorry, but I miss what we had. Hope it is going good with you. ” I only saw this on Monday and are not sure what to reply as the guess what have been used and I don’t want to start with the lame Hi or Hey how are you lines. I am also afraid as he had a picture about two weeks ago of never look for happiness in the same place again. I realise I need something big and original to get his attention., but he doesn’t reply to my messages, only show up where I am, copy my actions, do the exact opposite or something else. It’s like he is hot and cold hot and cold and it is exhausting. I know I need to be the ungettable girl again and not so available for him, which is why I have been chatting to guys or flirting a bit.
I know he still loves me as I do and I am 100% sure that he still think of me, all I need is to know how to reply without going into NC AGAIN(he will expect me going silent if he sends me something angry or mean), get him back?
Thank you for all the heart broken ladies (and gents :-)) you’ve helped so far.
admin
January 29, 2015 at 3:11 pm
Hmm…
Reply to what specifically?
Give me more to go on here.
confusedinlove
January 23, 2015 at 9:02 pm
Hi,
So this situation is a little bit weird. Basically me and my boyfriend broke up a week ago and we haven’t talked since. Its tearing me up inside because we never initiated a no contact thing, it just kind of happened. We broke up I think because the night before the break up, I told him I wasn’t feeling like having sex anymore. That I didn’t really get horny anymore and I felt almost as if I was forced to have sex with him because I wanted to please him, I did it because I know he wanted to have sex. Well I thought talking to him about this would go well, I thought maybe after 2 years of being together that we could have a deep conversation about it. But he took it the wrong way I’m assuming, or maybe I could have said it a different way…now I just want more than anything to apologize to him. But here’s the thing about our relationship, he has two kids with two different baby mothers. That’s a lot for me to handle considering one of the mother’s is continuously professing her love to him!! She has no respect for me and never has. So I got sick of it. Now he claims he hates her, that her doing that had no effect on him and he just wished he never accidently had a child with her. Not only this situation but we also fight a lot, we are two completely different people. I don’t know how we made it that long, and we both know that we weren’t meant to be together. But because he broke up with me in such a cold way I can’t seem to get over it. What I’m wondering is if I should contact him first even though he initiated the break up. Or should I let him do it?? I just feel if I do that then he will forget about me. But honestly I just feel that the reason he really broke up with me was because of what I said about the being forced to have sex with him thing. He told me that nobody has ever said that to him before and I think that hurt him enough to break it off with me. Things have always been shakey. I’ve tried to break up with him but I couldn’t do it. Now I just want to talk to him. I miss him so much and I feel like he could care less. What should I do? Sorry its so long..
admin
January 26, 2015 at 2:25 pm
Well he probably took it as you didn’t want to have sex with him at all anymore.
Amber R
January 23, 2015 at 8:02 am
Hey Chris,
Please excuse my lengthy book here but I am sure it will be your next article. I cannot find anything here that fully covers the type of things I have dealt with in my relationship and since. I have been in a mentally abusive/emotionally abusive relationship with my ex. It has not always been like this and I do know the problems in the relationship caused some of it. I also have had the stress of a sick sister to add to the problems. This is not the normal “games” a man has ever played with myself or my friends and I genuinely need your advice.
I found your website recently and I had already followed most of your steps. However I did just recently slip up and now I am not sure what to think or what is going on in his head.
My ex and I broke up at the end of October. We had lived together and I mean had the best relationship until we did that. I have gone back and read some of our convos and it really was amazing. However almost as soon as we started living together he started having regrets about it and wanted us to live separately again. I had already let my apt go and he had rented out his house for 4 years to get a new place that we would build our relationship at. After about 3 weeks I found another when he asked for a 3rd time but it would not be ready for a month and a half which he said was fine.
As I said as soon as we moved in things changed. He wasn’t as affectionate and loving. I felt he kept things from me like when I went out of town having his female best friend at our apt which she posted pics of OUR apt on FB so I would know. I never said anything but when I asked what he did he said he was working and setting up our furniture. She has not ever given me a chance and has constantly told him I make him miserable and he doesn’t need me. I also found out that he was divorced which he never told me. Mutual friends did and when I ask he said it was none of my business. He told me he had an ex he lived with but failed to say ex-wife! I still only know a bit from what I researched and the fragments of what he has told me. According to him it was all her fault.
Over the course of our last few months we would take a couple weeks break. He was always pretty distant but then would be loving at other times. I bought cute lingerie to wear to bed instead of my shorts/tank but he would go a month to two months without having sex with me. Then on these breaks he would say he assumed I moved on since he held out on me. Of course I never did. I tried everything and he would not be intimate. He always had an excuse and when we did it wasn’t amazing like he had been, it was selfish and all about him. This hurt. I am a pretty attractive girl so I felt unwanted, unattractive, and lonely. He used to stare at me before we went to sleep with his eyes just glowing and would wake me up because he couldn’t start his day without seeing me. He always told me I was beautiful, deserved everything I wanted, missed me intensely when he was out of town or I had multiple days I had to work, and always told me how much he loved me and how happy I made him. On top of no longer sleeping with me he also would only say “you too” when I told him I loved him and sometimes not at all. He also started telling me I never worked, I was lazy, I was not responsible, I was dirty… I stopped being all these great things in his eyes and this. I have taken care of myself my whole life so these were hurtful. I should also say my sister is fighting breast cancer right now and I am the anchor between her and the rest of our family so this weighs on me greatly this past year. He never really asked about her or how it has affected me, which my close friends can see how it has and how I bottle most of it in.
I moved out and a week later her wanted us to live together again in a new apt. We looked at places and decided on a better one that was a compromise on location for both of us. Then he wanted another break after 3 weeks and said he was sure he didn’t want to get back together. Sure enough 3 days later he started texting me building up to us getting back together. This is how it played out the rest of the time… great, distant, great, fight, break, back together, wants to live with me again then repeat this all over again(for 4 months)… until he finally said he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore.
Now I did the begging him thing which of course didn’t work. I wrote him a letter after 3 weeks which he just said was long. Then about a week later he began to text me small things and I would not respond or wait days to respond. He then wanted to meet for drinks after Thanksgiving. We did and immediately he began planning a trip for us to DC, everything was we, he wanted to show me a new show he found he thought I would like. When I went to his place I saw that the things of mine that were still there that he said he was putting in storage were still all out in their place like I had never left. I asked what this meant and he said he needed to sleep on it. That took 2 days and a text at midnight asking how I liked living on the first floor of our building. I waited 24hrs and said it was fine. Then 2 days later I get a text that says “I think I have finally reached my breaking point.” I assumed he was talking about work since it was the middle of the day. After 2hrs of me not responding he sent another text “Ok. I’m done.” I realized then he was mad at me for not doing whatever it was he thought I was suppose to do after that night.
A week later I did the begging thing again and he said he was still hurt and needed more time but would talk to me when he was ready. He then started texting me stuff about my football team or anything that wasn’t important and I did not respond. After a week I told him I was coming to get my things that weekend. He asked what was wrong and why was I acting like this because it’s strange. He tried to say he wasn’t sure he would be home and I needed to set up a time. However in the past he would ask when I was coming to get my things and when I would tell him that time would never work and then the next day he would ask if we could “talk” which led to us being back together. He wasn’t home so I left a box with the list outside his door. Two hours later he left it all outside mine since I was not home. He wanted a trip he bought for us for Vegas back that day but then did not ask for it and did not give me one item that was from my childhood.
Four days later on Christmas Eve he text me “happy holidays!’… he hates the holidays so it was weird. Then an hour later text me to see if I was in our apt building. With it being Xmas eve I did not want to be rude but waited 3hrs and said “Thanks. Happy Holidays to you as well.” I did not tell him I was home even though I was. The day after Christmas I received another text asking for the trip info for Vegas when I had a chance. I did not respond and after a week simply forwarded him the email with the details saying nothing. Five hours later he emailed me back asking “When are we going?” I did not say anything.
This Friday he text me at 9:30pm to tell me he could not find the bin with my childhood things and he did not have it. These are things that are invaluable to me and can’t be replaced. The last place it was was in my storage unit he took over and when I moved storage units I did not have it so told him I needed it. Well this upset me and I had been drinking… I called and yelled at him then proceeded to tell him I still loved him. He told me “I think about us on a regular basis as well. We used to have a lot of fun together.” The next day I apologized for yelling at him and asked if he could understand why losing that was so upsetting to me. We were going to grab a drink the next day for the first time since right after Thanksgiving. I didn’t hear form him at the time we were suppose to meet and he text me an hour later saying “Ugh.. sorry just woke up. Had a little too much vodka last night. My apologies. Do you want to reschedule?” I simply said “Thanks for letting me know. When you feel better I guess call me.” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to reschedule.
I then thought about everything. I laid for about an hour every day and instead of thinking about all the hurt I would think about a positive memory. That would lead me to another and before I knew it it was amazing the small moments you forget about after the bad moments. I then went back and read our first convos and how much passion, respect, and playfulness we has between us. Thinking of all this I woke up after a few days of practicing that and I no longer resented him or was angry. Concentrating on the negative isn’t going to help anyone.
Except for him.. he is still holding on to the negative in our relationship. We fought often towards the end and I started being really angry. I noticed that every fight we had I always yelled at him and at the end because he had been hurting me for so long and from my point of view enjoyed doing it I started saying mean things to hurt him. I even told him he was a semi attractive, overweight, bi-polar prick. I also noticed that when I said the mean things it was always when I was drinking because I never said them any other time. I also am hurt when I say these things because of the things he said to put me down, not being understanding with my the stress of my sister, and for withholding sex. When I say he is bi-polar look at his above behavior. Some minutes, and I mean minutes, he would be happy and we would be having fun then I would say something and he would snap at me. Some days he went to bed the loving man I knew and woke up an angry man that was cold. I am not normally an angry person but when I fight I tend to get passionate with it so I yell. I always calm down almost immediately and am over it. Our last fight we has been out for an event I had, we had a great time and we talking about our future, then on the way back he snapped at me for again nothing. We just had gotten our new apt. He said he wanted me out and I was not going to leave. Then I yelled and called him the fat thing and then he threatened to call the cops on me and vice versa. I mean an awful, awful fight that was over nothing and the cops were threatened because I called him fat. This is what he keep saying he cannot get over and is still hurt over. Me yelling about losing my childhood stuff he said did not help which I already knew.
I know I need to not get so upset when he does something. I know he does it to instigate a fight be he always does it when we are drinking. I have actually quit drinking quite a bit just because I do not want to yell at him. I know I need to just walk away when he does stuff like that instead of feeding into it. So over the past 3 months I have worked on building myself back up, started the plans for started my own company I have said I wanted to do, go to consoling to try to figure out why I yell and how not to, gone out with my friends, started modeling again and have gotten really healthy, made out with boys and spent the past month getting back to the happy girl every know and loves me for being.
So after the yelling Friday, him saying he thinks about us on a regular basis, saying we were going to meet for drinks, realizing my fault in what when wrong and accepting it to change it, and letting go of the negative emotions towards him….. I then went against your advice and reached out to him. Yes I had done almost the 30 day not contact outside of wishing him a “happy holiday” as well. I started with something I knew he would laugh at. Then told him I think about him a lot as well. I told him I know from examining everything that I was immature and stupid plus became needy at the end which has never been me. I told him that I have had some great things going on that have made me really happy but that I still missed him. I asked if he would want to try again and work on things. He said he was working and would call me the next night so we could chat. He did after work, we talked for an hour the usual awkward first convo then he said if I hadn’t of yelled Friday he would be open to it but I brought back our last fight. He needed to think about it because he didn’t have an answer. He then started talking about our sex life and asked for a pic. I told him that he was not getting stuff like that and that stuff comes later on when trust is reeastbilshed. He said he didn’t want a naked one just a sexy one as an incentive. I told him that was alright and did not feel it was too out of line. He asked if I wanted to get dinner the next night and I told him that would be fine. I sent him a sexy pic, I mean it really was not at all anything crazy, just the top part of my bra and my face. It was actually a really cute, innocent looking pic.
The next day he said it was a really cute picture and a good start. I told him to have a good day at work and he said you too. Then he text me around 5:30 to tell me he was heading to the restaurant, we did not say a time or where, he just told me but then put a winky face at the end of it. I was not ready and told him I just got home and would meet him there in 20mins. I looked HOT! Really skinny, red pants he’s never seen, black heels and a cute white sweater to offset the pants/heels sexiness. I walk in smile and try to hug him and he’s awkward. We start talking and he’s being vague and not really asking me questions. I followed to pictures your had… figure like I was pulling my hair behind my ear alot, messed with my lips alot, touched hit arm twice, made eye contact, sent him flirty smiles when he made a joke. The game we played on our first date was there I asked if he wanted to play and he said no. The place we went actually has great memories for us, he took off work one day to play hooky with me and that is where we started and had an awesome next morning before he went to work to which he kept thinking about me all day and then the day we found our apt we went there to go over our options and sign our lease. I told him I really liked the day he played hooky with me and he responded with “that was a long time ago.” I mean he talked more on the phone and sent me a freakin winky face after every text the night before, that morning, and walking to the restaurant and then he was just standoffish. I busted out trivia crack then and we started to play that. He started joking more, we had our banter back, and even learned some things about each other we never knew from that. We played for 4hrs, yes I know that longer than I was suppose to stay. However everytime a celebrity would come up he was say how hot she was, I don’t know if he thought it would make me jealous but it was mostly annoying after the 5th one. He also kept saying how smart he was and I was the one causing us to lose. I just laughed and made a joke at it.
When we left he gave me a hug, no kiss, no plans for the future. I got home and realized I forgot to thank him for dinner which is a huge thing to him. I did not want to text him but sent him one because he would hold it against me if I did not that said “BTW.. thank you for dinner.” He responded with “Welcome. Thanks for the future pictures.” At first I thought that meant he wanted to see me again because I told him he has to earn things such as pictures of any kind but now I am wondering if he assumes I am going to just send them to him to get him to spend time with me(which could not be farther from the truth and will not happen). A cute innocent one yes but multiple ones all the time to see him absolutely will never happen! I don’t know if that’s what he meant or if that was his way of saying he wants to see me again without actually saying it. He has a way of never really saying what he wants.
So after that text, the hot celebrity comments, him flirting then being standoffish from the beginning, the non-emotional response to the cute memory… I do not know what is going on. He didn’t have to stay 4hrs, he didn’t have to ask to go to dinner, he didn’t have to send me texts for the past 3 months(the longest he went without contact was 2 weeks). Does he want to see me again? Does he want to get back together? He likes me to chase him and everything HAS to be his idea otherwise he is “still hurt” or “not ready.” I don’t plan on contacting him but I REALLY need your input on how to get him back in a relationship and what I need to do and need to stick to. We had the most amazing relationship until it spiraled and we never fixed it so I know I have to change my behaviors if I want a different outcome the second time around and to get back there. Do you think he can love me like he used to and do you think I can get him back in a relationship?
Again sorry for the book but nothing you have really covers this kind of a relationship.
Thanks!
admin
January 23, 2015 at 4:40 pm
What a book!
I htink you are right not to contact him.
How has he reacted since you started NC on him? Has he gone crazy trying to get your attention?
Amber R
January 26, 2015 at 3:51 pm
Anymore advice on this? Is is strange I have not heard from him since we did dinner on Wednesday?
I have some people telling me to do NC and I have some telling me I should just tell him I am done and walk away.
The people telling me to walk away are saying so because we’ve been in this stalemate for 3 months now. I have been hearing from him throughout it of course but it hasn’t been anything substantial or him wanting me back. Just him through bait out.
I don’t know if that means he still wants to be with me and is being stubborn until he is ready to approach it.
Amber R
January 24, 2015 at 7:03 pm
I told you!
The NC before or now?
Before he would text me stupid things about football and stuff. Then the happy holidays 3 days after I got my things from the apt. Then wanting our Vegas trip back and when I just forwarded the email to him he asked “When are we going?” I never responded and last Friday when we spoke was 3 weeks since I sent that to him. Since our breakup he kept in contact or reached out pretty regular.
The NC before or very little contact seemed to drive him crazy because I would still hear from him at least once a week or more. The 3 weeks of not hearing from him that he just did was the longest of not hearing from him ever. He broke the silence to tell me he did not have the bin with my childhood things.
We went to dinner Wednesday as I said above and I have not heard from him since. I’m not going to reach out to him and have been silent.
What are your thoughts… does he want to get back together and is playing it so it has to seem like his idea? What can I do now to get us back together permanently?
Amber R
January 24, 2015 at 7:07 pm
Also keep in mind that before we had dinner last Wednesday is the day after I had broken down and asked if we could try again and how things have changed on my end. I think I just freaked out and said it because of not hearing from him for 3 weeks and then of course I yelled at him drunk Friday when he text me that he did not have my things so I felt I needed to fix that and leave him with a better vision… the hot, fun girl he was out with this past Wednesday or the old me.
Anne
January 17, 2015 at 1:34 am
Hi. So me and my boyfriend have been together for over 5 years. I’m 25 and he’s 32 For the last year and a half… I started taking adderal to get skinny. When I started taking it me and my bf hadn’t slept together In 2 or 3 months. While on the adderal I became extremely self centered and only concerned about partying with my friends all the time. I had gotten really skinny and lots of men were giving me attention while I was out. I never strayed but my friends and night life became the center of my world. My bf never really said anything to me about staying home with him he never told me I was pretty or pushed for me to be with him more. He never initiated sex. He never really said anything For a whole year we lived together with no major problems but definitely everythong put a lot of distance between us. A few times we had a discussion about being unhappy and there was one point where I probably wouldn’t have cared if he wanted to split. Since then I’ve realized how adder all affected me and killed my personality and made me take him for granted. I have sonce stopped taking it and did not tell him. Until Christmas this year he said we needed to talk and that things were not right. I agreed but was very upset and did not want to split up. I had stopped taking aderal about a month before. It turns out there was some girl at his work he said he would be interested in if I were not in the picture. I don’t believe he cheated on me with her but a week later on New Years I caught him messaging her on facebook. It devastated me. Especially since I am better looking but have been extremely insecure. Since then he has decided to move out of our apartment. I feel so guilty for neglecting him for the last year. I have finally come out of this haze the drugs had made me feel and am getting back to my normal self however him leaving me has made me fall into an extreme depression. I’ve realized how much I love him and want to make it work but he keeps saying its done and over and that I need to move on. His actions however are telling me something different he says he loves me still and needs time to him self but is now having sex with me a lot more and it’s amazing better than it has been in years. I am trying to remind him of everything good in our relationship without showing him how depressed I am. I know he still loves me and is breaking up with me becuase I neglected him and he found someone else to give him the attention he wants. I am on the road to makings myself better and I dont doubt that he loves me still. He hasn’t moved out yet and for the past few weeks aside from my emotial breakdowns we’ve been better than we have been in over a year. I am still so hurt he doesn’t want to be with me and the thought of him leaving at the end of the month is making my anxiety go haywire. Coming off drugs is also not easy and I just wish he would give me a chance to prove I am still the girl he loved so much before all of this. I feel like if he really loves me he would understand how much I need him especially now after all I have been through and just try one more time. ….I am trying to be strong and supportive and to better myself and clean the house and be attentive. I think it is making him second guess himself a little bit but probably my enought to make him stay. Please help me. I love this man I can’t loose him. If and when he leaves I know I will need to cut him from my life completely to be able to cope. I don’t ever want that. I see a future with this man. Any advice would help me greatly.
Sam
December 30, 2014 at 5:11 am
Chris,
What if even after the NC period, my ex just want to be friends because of another man’s influence? (by the way, how can I tell if he just wants to be friends from text message?) My ex’s business partner lives with my ex, yes, that weird dude lives there for free for at least five years. That biz partner had his ex-fiancee living there too! So, That biz partner, he, I am pretty sure said bad things about me to influence my ex to break up with me because I took up my ex time from their business!! Also, since that weird biz partner had a fail relationship, he is telling my ex, don’t do it. So, in summary, how can I get my ex back when there’s another person influencing my ex thoughts/behavior, physically living with my ex and physically working in the office together 24/7??
Really like your thoughts?
admin
January 5, 2015 at 2:46 pm
You have to find a way to become a bigger influence.
Who is the fool affecting him again? Just a business partner?
k
December 5, 2014 at 12:17 am
hey Chris!
i want my boyfriend back! hes the one who left and i want him to chase me. i really dont like chasin guys because i dont want to look desperate! even if i told him i would change everything i was doing that pissed him off, he said that his feelings droped a little bit! i tried my best but now i cant do anything. i dont know what to do so he can fall in love with me again. weve been together for 11 months and he broke up 2 weeks ago…
admin
December 8, 2014 at 12:31 pm
Well, this website is dedicated to the art of making men chase you haha.
Sandra
December 1, 2014 at 3:11 pm
Hi, I was never together with this guy. And he decided that the best thing to do is to break the contact, our relationship in fact. Reasons: my parents that made it hard for us to be together. And my jeousy because of his ex. I’m trying to show him that I’m willing to show my parents how important he is for me. And try to make it work. But he is afraid and doesn’t want to change his mind… But I know (because he told me) that he is also sad and didn’t want to have it this way. He says that he doesn’t say neither yes or no… I’m feeling really bad in this situation. Because I want to be with him. And I know that he also wants that, but because if the reasons he thinks this it the best. And he doesn’t want to give a chance right now. He feels that he wouldn’t be able to give 100 because of how hard our situation was before.
admin
December 2, 2014 at 2:24 pm
So, you two were never offical?
Sandra
December 2, 2014 at 10:58 pm
No, because I was afraid of my parents… And because of the distance we couldn’t find the situation where we could find the perfect moment. But I feel now that it’s time. But he’s feeling hopeless kind of, but we will probably meet soon. Then maybe I could show him that I’m serious. But he should also want it then, I’m a bit worried but trying to think positively
admin
December 3, 2014 at 4:57 pm
Sometimes you have to make your own fate.
Jenny
November 28, 2014 at 9:21 pm
Hi Chris,
Thanks for the insight. My boyfriend and I broke up a few days ago because we are in a long distance relationship and he is going into the military in January for training. We’ve been doing distance for the last 4 months, and we’ve been fighting here and there. We had problems with fighting before the distance (when we lived in the same area), but it’s all petty and stupid stuff. Of course, the distance doesn’t help. Anyway, he has threatened to break up with me many times and has actually taken a break, which lasted about 10 days, and then broke up with me shortly after because there was no change. After he came back, we got back together, and since that time, we’ve still managed to fight over stupid things, mainly me brining them up or getting angered. However, I have felt that ever since our first break, I couldn’t really trust him because he would always flee when things got hard. So whenever I had an issue, I was terrified to bring it up, and if I did bring it up, I immediately got defensive against him. I was always worried he would threaten to break up with me again. But truth is, I really worked very hard at making adjustments and working on relaxing more over petty things, I just felt like he never really met me half way. He thought I was trying to control him, when in reality all i wanted was the respect i gave him. For example, not snap chatting an ex. (that was our latest fight that lead to our break up). Now i know he may associate me with bad feelings, because he’s repeatedly said that he’s given me so many chances to stop getting mad at him, but I have failed every single time. He has deemed me untrustworthy and manipulative. I do not agree, though. I do not believe it was entirely my fault. It is a two way street, he just wasn’t really willing to compromise, and that is because he’s stubborn. He expected me to be ok with whatever he did, even though some of his actions upset me. Regardless, I know he loves me. He’s made it quite clear. He didn’t want to break up with me, and he said whenever things are good that he could marry me. I know the feelings are there, but realistically, as you said, he’s logically thinking that this might not work for the time being as we are in distance and he is going into the army. He said we could break up amicably and stay in touch here and there and that maybe in a few years, or maybe after he completes his training in June we can see where things are. I know i was a good girlfriend, i was loyal and committed, I have never cheated and I have always been a support system. We get along in every level and he’s even said he’s never connected with someone as much as he has with me. I know he has deep feelings for me, but is scared that things wont change. Which I understand. But having some time to reflect, I also think he needs to change and be more open to understanding and seeing how some of the things he does can come across as hurtful, not just me being nagging, but rather, genuinely expressing my feelings.
Do you think this is salvageable? I am unsure. I know the love is there, and the timing may not be right for him and I’m trying hard to accept that even though it hurts more than I ever thought it would. I just don’t know if i’m holding onto false hope.
Thanks for any help, I really appreciate any feedback.
admin
December 1, 2014 at 3:20 pm
Its salvageable.
But its not going to be easy.
Go right into NC at this point.