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The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
How To Make Him Miss You After A Breakup
The Ungettable Girl
The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)
The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule
The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means
Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule
What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Blocks You
Signs My Ex Wants Me Back
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Why Avoidants Say Things That Donāt Make Sense
The Weird Things Avoidants Do When They Like You
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How A Secure Handles An Avoidant Pulling Away
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Betty
January 30, 2014 at 6:55 pm
Hi Chris, how come you didn’t mention anything about the height?? Isn’t it important for men??
If a girl is very pretty, has an almost perfect body, is very big on personality but 5 feet 2 inches tall, wouldn’t that minify her points significantly??
A man once told me that a short woman is less of a person.
admin
January 31, 2014 at 6:31 pm
Actually hahaha I like shorter women. Not like 4 feet short but anywhere between 5’2″ or 5’5″ is perfect.
anonymous
January 28, 2014 at 5:37 am
This is interesting. I didn actually read this guide in such depth till now. Reminded me of how i met my ex. He used to always comeby my office and we’d exchange glances but never actually talked. For 4-5months it went on till he finally approached me and asked for my name! And i gave a short reply. And he searched me in facebook. And the rest is history. So it made sense to me, he had the day dream effect for 4-5months eyeing me almost every other day. When we first got to know each other, he even admitted that he rated me a 10 in looks even brought his friends over to my office just to point me out to them. and they all agreed, i’m a 10 in looks. (Sorry i’m not very modest hahaha)
Anyway my qns is, since things btwn me and him ended on a bad note, my ratings to him in terms of personality may have dropped low š if i do nc for the second time, what r the chances of him noticing me as an ungettable girl again? Do any of your ex girlfriends went frm being an ungettable girl, to and “easy” girl (after breakup, she went desperate on you) and then back to being ungettable?
admin
January 28, 2014 at 6:35 pm
A 10 in looks hahahahaha….
Personally, I think I am a solid 8 but my personality and commitment puts me over the top I think. (I’m not very modest either hahaha.)
The NC can help but obviously your best bet is to do some work to shift his paradigm on how he views your personality.
anonymous
January 29, 2014 at 3:43 pm
If men do not settle, and they want the best they can possibly get. Will it ever come to the point when they realise that their ex girlfriend was the best they ever had? i have a hunch that my ex boyfriend is back on the dating field in search for the perfect woman; probably thats why he doesn want to settle or commit just yet. What can i do to convince him that i am indeed the best lady for him? If he doesn even want to entertain my msgs and calls. And mind you. I was not a gnat the last convo we had. 3 short msgs i sent, in btwn i called him 5times. I took the hint that he just wasn interested to talk to me anymore. So i’m bck in nc.
I was thinking after nc, of sending a short video of me saying hi, (making use of my looks to my advantage. Hahaha) but will that be coming on too strong after nc?
M
December 24, 2013 at 7:27 am
Hi Chris,
Before anything else, Iād like to thank you for all the insight you have given us āclueless girlsā from all over the world. Iām not from the US, but the issues are apparently universal when it comes to women and their men. I chanced upon your website jus yesterday and Iāve been glued to it since because I have not found a more thorough and in-your-face-brutally-honest advice written by someone credible enough to dish out the sometimes painful truth. I suppose thatās my long way of saying āThanks!ā Haha.
Iāll try to keep my story short but I donāt know how because our story covers a few decades. Iāll map out the salient points so I donāt occupy to much space here. ļ
Thereās this guy Iāve known since we were kids. He was 11, I was 12. We werenāt close but my bestfriendās sister was his girlfriend back then and he used to hangout with us everyday after school while we waited for his gfās and his sisterās class to be over. Throughout the years, we bumped into each other in this or that party or school affair. We move around the same circles and we have many common friends and I know a few of his cousins, he knows my brother, my cousins, ex boyfriendsā¦you get the pic. I was never attracted to him although he was a very popular guy and he pretty much was a known player, but he told my bestfriend once that he wanted to try to court me. I wasnāt interested, so I just ignored it.
Fastforward to when we were in our twenties, he owned one of the most famous clubs in our country with a few business partners whom I also knew. I frequented the club, still was not attracted to him, he dated famous local models, beauty queens, actresses, that kind of thing yāknow? He, as youād guess, has a past. Heās the ābad boyā of our party scene society. Got many women pregnant, cheated on them and all that stuff that goes with his lifestyle. But he comes from a very old-fashioned conservative family and with me, he was always decent ā no sleaze.
Fastforwad to last year, saw him again when I was at his bar with my friends and his cousins. Itās been several years since we saw each other. In my true fashion, I didnt even notice he was there, so after walking past him a few times, he tapped me on the shoulder to say hello, and I was warm as always and we had this ābuddy hugā but I knew just by the way he was looking at me and holding me, he was attracted. Again, I was not. I let it go and enjoyed the night. Here is where it gets sticky: I see him again months after at his new bar. Thing is, things took a turn for I donāt know what. He offered to take me home, but first he asked me to join him for a drink in his other club, so I said ok bec I lived near there. He held my hand and that was it —electricity. Took me by surprise and it scared me. Problem was, I only have 2 drinks whenever I go out, that night it was a post bday celeb, so I had more. I told him I had to go bec I was feeling woozy, ran and left him on the dancefloor bec he wanted me to stay and he kept putting his arm (gently) around me stopping me from leaving. I just fled and he ran after me to take me home. Long story short, I did an Anastasia Steele and threw-up (asked him to pull over first of course). I know itās gross, but this is crucial to the story. I kept telling him sorry as I was bent over by the cardoor, he said, ā(My name), itās just me. How could you be embarrassed? It.s me!, (his name)ā¦ā Then he held my hair to keep it from getting soaked and he rubbed my back until I was done being gross. Haha. Then I asked for a tissue and he had none so he got my yucky sticky hands and he rubbed it with his own hands and on his jeans, he said,ā Iāll just wipe it for you.ā āHeās a keeper,ā I thought. We ended up sleeping together, but before we began, after we were kissing very slowly and gently (still not sleazy like he is with mot women),I told him, it was going to be the first and last time and that I never wanted it to happen again. Said this before we started. It was my first time to be with a guy in 10 years. I thought I was old enough, we were old friends, and I could just walk away from this after. I ran out of is condo as fast as I could when I woke up. I left him sleeping. I was a mess for two weeks after. He was the last guy I wanted to get with because of his past and reputation even if he treated me gently. He messaged me on FB after saying he did not get my number. I gave it.
Two weeks later, I go to his club, the sees me and hi s face lights up smiling from ear to hear, he leans over peck me on the lips and says, Iām so happy youāre here and he holds my hand. He is not like this. Women fawn over him. Even those models and actresses he dates. But I didnt trust his nature, so I told him harshly, āNo decent girl like me would take a guy like you seriously. Can you blame me? Look at how you treat women.ā He looked sad. Anyway, I had feelings for him, so we didnāt stop kissing. We fell asleep on the couch at his club after it closed. Then I found out that the night before, his gf just gave birth. I didnāt even know he had one. He didnāt say anything when I asked two weeks ago even when I asked. After that, I avoided him like a plague. Then we see each other again, and the chemistry is so strong, heās always kissing my hand, telling all our friends he likes me, that he was jealous of his friend that was flirting with me, accused me of flirting with his friends which I wasnātā¦ I told him he had no right to be possessive. He said, āBut I thought we had something.ā I said, āYou canāt have your cake and eat it too where Iām concerned.ā He even held my hand in front of his gf. I kept pushing him away verbally but it was obvious we were smitten. Everyone at the party scene hates me bec he has a baby and I seem like the one breaking up their relationship. I keep my distance, but I know he fell in love. We did. He would gather all our old friends and scoop for info about me, talk to my exes, people I used to date, ask around about me but he didnāt call me after I told him he couldnāt have his cake and eat it too. He was torn between his daughter and me is what I heard from common friends bec his gf threatens to take the baby away from him each time. He is SO IN LOVE with the baby that he is willing to do anything — his cousin told me.
Hereās where I messed up. Please know that Iāve no prob with NC. All of my attempts happen after 2-3, even 8months in between. But I think I messed up. I had my friend talk to him, but the timing was bad bec the gf was there watching him like a hawk. So, he tells my friend to tell me it was ācasual and friendlyā after I texted him an apology for being mean to him pushing him away and and telling him it really meant a lot to me. So basically, if I am following your drift here, I handed him over my power. He pushed me away. I left it at that for 8 months. We were FB friends so it was easy to see how he was trying to make it work with his gf. But every now and then he would post something about us or referring to us or a song. I resolved to let him as long as he was happy. But there were giveaways he wasnāt. He even asked advice from a very well respected actress here saying it is really me he likes but he doesnāt know what to do bec he wants to keep his baby. He took a 6 hour drive to a city to find me once. But the entire city, our circle of friends, are against me and him and are trying to make him stay with his gf for the baby and bec she is ok and she loves him. So, I let it be. Until it was getting too painful to see all their family pics together on trips and all and I decided to unfriend him on FB. I wrote and told him but no reply. That was Nov. 25th. Dec 7th he is hospitalized. Dec 17 heās in a coma for 4 days. I freaked out (internally). His life was hanging on a thread and there was nothing I could do. I couldnāt visit bec is gf and baby and everyone against us was there too. I had to suffer silently. I contacted his sister and cousin and sent my well wishes. I sent him a PM on FB and I thought on the 4th day of his coma, I should throw caution to the wind and tell him how I felt. See, coz the last time we were together was Sept and we were kissing all over his club like we invented it. Not sleazy, sweet kisses, he kept hugging me, telling me that he doesnāt know what to do with me, he canāt help himself, he would close his eyes and rub his face on the palm of my hands nonstop like a purring kitten, he even said ā(My name), I just gave everything up for you.ā But I ended the night when he took me home telling him I canāt do this anymore with him, not like this, that I was looking for the real thing, not this (I meant he had a kid and a live in gf) I didnāt want to be the other woman. Anyway, I broke all the rules now bec I thought he might die in a coma or after and I needed him to know how I felt. I told him that I just want him well and happy, told him no more partying, to eat well, less alco, etc then I said, āI never said it, but I do love you. Forget all my old school beliefs, I miss everything about you. But I want you to be happy whatever your choice is.ā
Sorry itās long. Almost DONE! It gets worseā¦. His gf was the one holding his phone while he was unconscious at the hospital and she tells me to stop harassing him, called me a lot of bad name. I learned she did not know the whole story and bec she was vile, I gave her the gist which I know hurt her. But sheās not a nice person. Sheās always insulting women in her Tweets and she is using their baby as leverage but she serves him to keep him and he is learning to appreciate it bec he is given to peer pressure. Iām not possessive, so if I saw that he was with a girl that was nice and worthy, Iād genuinely be happy for him. Itās happened to me before. The girl was great and so it was easy to let go. But this timeā¦itās different. The gf blocked me from his FB account and I found out she read this without him seeing it .Iām sure she deleted my messages and her FOUL responses. I donāt even know if he knows this and allowed it. Iām worried. So, now Iām trapped. I have no way of communicating with him. He came out of his coma 2 days ago. I wanted so much to visit but I did not. Iām not sure NC is the right moveā¦I donāt knowā¦itās pretty tragic, huh? But Iām sane even though the girl called me a pycho. Lol. All this, and right before Christmas! Iām ok, but I have to admit, it sucks bigtime. I love the guy, but I donāt know what to do next.
admin
December 24, 2013 at 7:30 pm
NC is the right move in my opinion.
M
December 25, 2013 at 4:39 am
Ok, that’s what I’m doing.I can go for months with NC, no problem. But I am wondering about men, do you guys prefer to settle for what is convenient but tolerable or really go for that girl you want?
admin
December 26, 2013 at 5:50 pm
I can only speak for myself here.
I refuse to settle…. I want the best girl I can possibly get.
M
December 28, 2013 at 4:20 am
I suppose every guy has a different idea of what’s best for him. Best of luck to all of us!! Nothing wrong with shooting for the best! haha
M
December 25, 2013 at 4:46 am
I should add too that I’ve been an ungettable girl to some of the most eligible bachelors here for years. One of them even made me the heroine in an international novel. Just thought I had to inject that since I’m dealing here with a popular ungettable guy. Thanks for your time!
admin
December 26, 2013 at 5:50 pm
What is the books name? I want to see this haha.
Louisa
December 19, 2013 at 3:41 am
Chris – Firstly, thank you š
I commented on one of your posts a few months back in desparate need of your advice, and I’m happy to say it worked!
When we first broke up. I was an emotional wreck, tried the no contact rule but then breaking it within hours. This went on for a couple of weeks until I decided to cut all ties and block him out of my life completely. We’ve had no contact now for 8 weeks, and I can positively say it’s one of the best things I have ever done. Not only am I spending more time with friends and going out and making new ones, I’m actually happy! I’m not saying it was as easy as that! In the first few weeks I would go out with friends, and most of the nights would end with me in tears over my ex. But I’d spend the following week recovering, and go back out that weekend, tried again. Eventually it became easier, and I love it now!
During this time I have been able to look back at my relationship and clearly see it’s flaws. I was the one fighting for us the entire time, while he avoided any problem we had. Texting other girls for attention then letting me back in when he felt like it. It’s so clear now, whyyy did I put up with it? Haha.
I have managed to work on myself inside and out. I have become the ungettable girl – proudly! When we broke up I thought I was the problem, that no one else would want me. I don’t mean to brag, but I would be lying if I said at least 20 guys haven’t asked me out since I have been single. I haven’t gone out with any of them but it’s a nice feeling I must admit.
But guess what? My ex wants me back! I’m not even sure I want him back now, I guess the one thing I wanted more than anything was for him to regret ending us, and it seems he’s doing just that. Mission accomplished!
I’m not ready to be in another relationship right now, I’m enjoying my independence. But I’m happy you’ve helped me gain back the confidence I lost a few months ago. Add another success story to your list š
admin
December 19, 2013 at 7:33 pm
I am totally adding this!
Claudia
December 6, 2013 at 4:44 pm
Is it possible to be the ‘Ungettable Girl’ and men still being able to walk away after being together?
My boyfriend constantly thought I was way too good for him. When we met, He said I attracted his attention like no one before, but he just couldn’t see me ever seeing anything in him. he told me how he stressed over the first time we were in the same room together in case it was too obvious that he liked me and made it too obvious.
And I was not easy to tame, I’m talking about, I made him chase me for a good 8 months before i agreed we could call each other ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’. At least three of his best friends wanted to get with me first.
I was very good at ‘being one of the guys’ talking about games, and just being down to earth and approachable.
On a scale of looks my boyfriend always told me i was ‘stunning’ and the most beautiful girl he ever met and often said i had the body of a ‘goddess’.
– these are direct quotes from him.
I could definitely hold a conversation; deep, intellectual and insightful conversations. I’m not afraid to challenge people’s views and opinions and debate philosophical and political issues. I know my fair share.
I have been led to believe that I do possess the makings to have the Ungettable girl status…..He often said he is the luckiest guy in the world to have me, his friends backed up that I was too good for him. – I reassured him that wasn’t the case.
However, my ex still left me after two years.
Why do men still walk away from their ‘Ungettable girl’?
Can you go from ‘Ungettable’ to a total pain in the ass?
admin
December 6, 2013 at 8:09 pm
I actually explain this a bit in the guide. The bit about the ungettable girl scale…
Jess
December 2, 2013 at 6:55 am
Hey Chris. A little background on my sitch. I was with my ex 4 years and we have a one year old together, we were engaged and planning our wedding, which he was super excited about. After the break-up, I went crazy begging, crying, calling/texting him all the time. Which just pushed him farther away. He now has a new gf. I texted him two weeks ago telling him I agreed with the break-up and want to try to get along for our son’s sake. Since then I have been in limited contact with him, just communicating regarding our son. I know that he really loved me, I just know he did. But now he says that he is moving on and I should too. Does all the time that we had together and our child give me any sort of advantage to winning him back? Is it time to move on?
admin
December 2, 2013 at 7:11 pm
Do you want to move on?
Jess
December 3, 2013 at 5:30 pm
No, I don’t want to move on. I want to keep hoping.
Hatty
November 24, 2013 at 7:39 pm
Chris is so spot on with the UG rating. Here’s what happened to me– I’m not bragging, but I’m a UG. But, with my ex-boyfriend, I became a less than average girl because I started acting crazy and difficult with him. He stuck around for two years, putting up with my bad personality simply because he still found me physically attractive and occasionally he would catch glimpses of what used to be my great personality. But, in the end, he couldn’t take it & ditched me. And I don’t blame him! I would have kicked myself to the curb a loooonnnggg time ago.
So, after he left, I realize how absolutely lame-ola I was acting. I really want to get back with my him, but I did everything wrong in the beginning. Even though I’m 32 years old, nobody’s ever broken up with me before– I always did the dumping. So, when my ex dumped me, I acted like a teenager– I begged, text gnatted, slept with him, sent crazy emotional emails, and generally was an over-emotional train wreck. Eventually I found this web site, and realized: Oh crap, I’m really screwing this up.
So, I apologized to him via text for my clingy crazy behavior. I told him I was acting crazy because I was so confused, and then initiated NC. It’s been 23 days, and I’ve got a plan set out following Chris’s suggestions. And I think I’ll totally be able to get him back, even though I acted like a totally insecure mega-B during almost the entirety of our relationship. I’ll keep you all posted!
Frances Murphy
November 28, 2013 at 4:00 pm
How are you getting on Hatty
admin
November 25, 2013 at 7:13 pm
Definitely keep us all posted.
And thanks for commenting you ungettable girl you š
Hatty
December 5, 2013 at 8:05 pm
LOL Chris ;). Hi again! Just an update on things. I sent my fellow a brief first contact txt after NC, but he didn’t respond. But I stayed cool š and planned to wait a week or so before my next try. And, as luck would have it, we happened to drive past each other about 6 days later.
So, I had an instant in. I’m a single mom, and my son was with me when we drove past each other. So, I waited for several hours to go by, and then I sent him a cute brief message:
“Hey! [Child’s Name] saw you earlier & wanted to say hi! Also this is what [our cat’s name] has been up to” and I texted him a funny pic of my cat (which he loved).
He responded to me the next day with a friendly, somewhat neutral text (which was cool & expected). After several hours I responded back with a short, cute, friendly msg & told him I was off to meet some friends at a movie theatre we both love.
NOW, my next text I’ll send tmrw (after about 5 days). Again, as luck would have it, I happened to win free tickets to go see a band (arcade fire) we both LOVE! So I’ll text him (innocently sharing my excitement) that I won the tix and see how he responds :). But, I won’t offer to have him go to the show btw. And that will make him jealous and he’ll probably want to keep talking to me about those tix. hehehe.
Damn it feels good to be a gansta, LOL!
Hatty
December 10, 2013 at 3:15 am
Ok, next update. I texted my fellow a very cute msg about the tix: “Guess who won free Arcade Fire tix. This chick š [insert little chick emoticon here] peep. peep. Now, that txt sounds weird, but the chick thing is an inside joke btwn us.
What happened? I got no response. I know him very well–and I know why he didn’t want to respond: (1) our break up/post relationship fall out was pretty bad and (2) because of this, he had a REALLY hard time remembering the good times we had because we ended on a really bad note. So he was hesitant and not ready to communicate.
So anyway, I did something that I don’t think Chris would approve of–but I think it will actually be beneficial in the end. It’s kind of an experiment, really!
So, I was sick over this past weekend, and I texted him and asked him if I could borrow some Simpsons DVDs because it would make me feel better. He’s sweet, and he said of course and brought them over. Later I asked him to take me to get some soup for dinner. And, of course (I expected this) he didn’t really want to. He didn’t say that out right–he said he’d think about it. In the end, I convinced him–told him to relax, that it wasn’t a big deal, and that I just needed to get out of the house and eat my favorite soup, and that all my friends were busy and couldn’t join me–which was totally true.
I offered to just meet there (as friends) but he insisted on picking me up. Of course, he was pretty closed off during the whole dinner (totally expected). He made a point not to open the car door for me (which is why I think he insisted on picking me up: just to show me he was purposefully not going to open the car door for me, haha) and didn’t hold the restaurant doors open for me either (which he’d always done before). His body language at dinner was also closed off–arms crossed and avoiding eye contact. But did I let on that I cared? No way! I just prattled on like a cheerful, friendly chatty Cathy (I was losing my voice–but he actually thinks that is cute) and so the dinner was fun and non-threatening.
So, I guess I made him relax enough at dinner, because he offered to take me to rent a couple movies afterwards (he’s really a nice guy). So I rented a couple of films & we headed to my home. Then, I asked him to watch the movies with me. Of course he said NO (that he didn’t want to “open a can of worms, that he “didn’t want this to become a habit,” etc.). But I convinced him to anyway. So he watched the movies, we cuddled and played with my kitty. After the movies, we were both very sleepy. I asked him to sleep over (no sex, duh!). I totally expected a NO– he NEVER slept over with me when I was sick even when we were in a relationship (that is, when we were not living together). But off to sleep we went, cuddling and me coughing all nite long. The fact is, he was actually enjoying spending time with me and the attention I was giving him. I’m sure he’s been lonely the past 4 weeks.
In the morning, I made coffee and we drank it in bed and chatted (which was one of our favorite weekend routines). I made sure to always be cheerful, let him know what fun things I’d been up to since NC began, and gently flirted with him to make him feel good about himself (which he deserves). He took his time leaving because he was actually having a nice time–I know him well, and he would have left ASAP if he wasn’t. He smiled and commented on a few photos of us and other things I had about the house that reminded him of happy times. And, when he left, we had a sweet, friendly hug (he did the notorious back pat, of course, but also a big squeeze). He hesitantly leaned in to kiss my head (or cheek, I’m not sure), but I was not receptive because I was sick and because I felt it was too early for anything beyond a hug. And, instead of saying good bye, he said “talk to you later.”
Now–Why did I do all this when it seems to go against everything I’m supposed to do? BECAUSE he still associated me with so many BAD feelings that I don’t think he’d ever be able to remember anything good about our relationship without me intervening & reminding him. Like I said–our relationship fall-out was pretty nasty, & he hated that I was super over-emotional and clingy afterwards. Honestly, during the first several weeks of our break up he admitted that part of him wanted to get back together, but he was afraid because I wasn’t regulating my emotions. And, what did I do? Ignored what he said. I continued to not regulate my emotions and started to do all the post-break up NO-NO’s Chris mentions. Obviously, that totally blew my chances.
So, I did all this stuff over the weekend in order to replace his bad feelings (which were still fresh in his mind) with good feelings (which were harder for him to remember). I also did it so he would see me and remember that he is super attracted to me physically (haha, he thinks I’m pretty even when I’m sick).
And, most of all, I did this to prove that I’m not weepy or clingy anymore–that I can regulate my emotions and not try to force us to get back together with begging and pestering him non-stop. How am I going to do this? I’m going right back into No Contact now that he has good feelings associated with me all fresh in his mind. We’ll see if it works–either he’ll contact me before the 30 days, or I’ll contact him after the 30 days & see if he’s more receptive this time around.
My birthday’s coming up around XMas–so we’ll see if he txts me happy birthday š
admin
December 10, 2013 at 7:08 pm
Yes I think right now going back into NC is the smartest thing you can do.
Hatty
December 10, 2013 at 3:24 am
Oh! And I want to make it clear that if he texts me before the 30 days are up: No booty calls will be accepted. Only bona-fide dates. And, if I get a date, no sex will be happening until we have several more dates over the course of a month or two and only when we are both on the same page about rekindling a serious relationship.
admin
December 6, 2013 at 7:18 pm
Hahaha feels good to be a gangsta indeed!
Hatty
December 5, 2013 at 9:57 pm
Oh! And gosh, I’ll go ahead and include the actual txts we exchanged, in case it helps anyone.
So, I txted him about saying hi and our kitty, and he responded:
“I thought that was you on [street name] yesterday. [Cat’s name] is beautiful!”
Note: The last time he saw the kitty she was really little, so he was commenting on how much and how pretty she’s grown
So I txted back “Yeah & ornery! š Bout to meet some folks at the [theater name]. See ya!
So, I think that was a success!
Doreen
November 17, 2013 at 1:15 pm
My boyfriend broke up without a fight? He gets commitment “panics” attacks. We worked through this & he explained he is going for counseling. I supported him. But then we got more serious & he said “baby I’m going to marry you” over & over again but then suddenly something very strange happened. He broke up with me out of the blue, no fight no drama nothing like that at all. He said that I deserve someone to love me the way I deserve to be loved & he is unhappy! I was shocked as 3 days before bhe broke up he said again “baby I’m going to marry you” & then suddenly to unhappy? Nothing happened like a fight or anything like that. Honestly what is going on with him? Everyone that saw us together always said they can see he loves me & I also believed he loved me. But it doesn’t make sense? Please tell me what you think?
admin
November 17, 2013 at 8:58 pm
commitment panic attacks. Are you serious?
Why did he break up with you? Because of the commtiment?
J*
October 31, 2013 at 12:42 pm
hi Chris,
my ex and i broke up about 3 months ago but we only stopped seeing each other about a month ago. i did NC and I’m proud of that. but I was wondering, is it possible to become the ungettable girl again if you’ve really messed up badly (eg. been a text gnat, cried, etc) but once were the ungettable girl to him? I see myself as a pretty girl (maybe a tiny bit too skinny but that can be worked on) with a really good personality.
admin
October 31, 2013 at 8:04 pm
Hahah it will take some work but it is very possible. If it wasn’t then no girl would be able to get back with her ex but plenty of girls do every single day.
Samara
October 29, 2013 at 8:06 pm
After the no contact for 30 days i bumped into him at the gym I played it cool went up and talked to him he offered to drive me home I accepted and then I went home… waited a couple of days and didnt message or anything then on sunday he called me said that he sees me and bumped into me we talked and hung out for a bit and then he asked if I would have lunch with him on monday… I said yes i had lunch and he asked me if I would go with him that night to check out a car… which I did… so basically everything is normal. I m just wondering what to do from here… like after the NC I know we are suppose to resume game plan… but I m already hanging out with him… I would like to become the ungettable girl cause im afraid of being friend zoned and coming off as too available…what should my next steps be?? is it okay if I text him normally or what should i be focusing on? I appreciate the help!
admin
October 30, 2013 at 4:08 am
Slow things down for me for a second. Are you currently talking to him righ tnow?
Samara
October 30, 2013 at 1:18 pm
what do you mean by talking to him… We hung out on monday… but in terms of messages I havent messaged him anything yet…
admin
October 30, 2013 at 9:39 pm
I mean like working your “ex back” mojo messages hahaha
Samara
October 31, 2013 at 5:18 pm
I have not sent any mojo messages hahaha I would like to though how would I go about doing that… But you think that its okay that I m seeing him often and talking to him??
admin
October 31, 2013 at 8:31 pm
Well, first things first. Do you know exactly what type of message you want to send?
Samara
November 1, 2013 at 1:35 pm
Honestly I have no idea what kind of messages I want to send. I want him back but I m afraid I m coming on too strong… we see each other often and he has asked me to hang out all the time… I dont message him but I m wondering if I should send him a first contact message or a remembering the old times messages or even just a normal hey hows it going… I really dont know…
admin
November 1, 2013 at 6:57 pm
How do you think he would react to those messages?
admin
October 27, 2013 at 10:58 pm
WOW tattooed your name on his back jesus hahaha.
Have you done the NC rule yet? Like actually done it.
Sofie
October 22, 2013 at 11:15 am
Hi Chris,
First and foremost I would like to thank you for all these articles they are really insightful and help me to realize things and remaining calm in this tough period.
My situation is that I dated this guy for 3 months and it started out blissfully, he was making huge efforts and he was all around the place, texting, surprising me in any way with little gestures. Basically he haunted me down, he aslo admitted and was quite proud about himself for being bold enough to ask me out. We spent this wonderful time togther, ALL of our meetings were wonderful and he told me on numerous occasions how much he loves how I’m challenging his brain. Basically he always saw me as a deephearted spiritual girl. Then after 2 months he just started to pull away because he was going to a hard time in his personal life and he admitted honestly that he can’t give me what I deserve and felt terrible about the fact that he couldn’t return all the good thing that he got from me. We never really broke up just drifted apart, and as I was completely suprised about this deveolpment I made some mistakes down the line by being a bit pushy and overly attached, trying to be ther for him, insisting to get out so he would get better and gain strength from our relationship. Things kept falling apart against all of my efforts, we had barely seen each other for weeks, there were days when he didn’t make a sign of life then when he showed up he apologized for leaving me out of his life. He was feeling really down.
By the end of september everything escalated where we had a tough chat and I felt things were ultimately falling apart. He was extremely down, admitted he had no idea what he wanted from me and it would be better if I could just leave him alone. So I did. That was the point where I decided to change my behavior and mindset about him, altough I really like him and hold dear all the memories we had together. He also reminiscent a lot about our memories and keeping one little gift with him all the time and said he often looks at it, it is so dear to him.
So after the harsh chatting he went on a roadtrip for two weeks. I had no contact with him at all.Then he came back and right after he checked in to say he is feeling much better and things have started to work out for him in every aspect of his life. And he was grateful for all hte thing I taught him because without all these he would’nt be able to come across this bad period so swift. Then another week have passed with nothing, no communication.
Then a week ago he called me like 5 times I didn’t respond (that was the time I stumbled upon your site and started to have a plan and started to act on purpose)
Next day he texts me on chat that he was calling me and since there was no recall, no answer, no sms he was “scared” that I might be upset or angry or don’t want to talk to him. I said in a light tone that I have no reason to be angry I was just busy running my errands. He asked me out but I didn’t ackownledged the invitation.
Two days later he calls me and asks how am I doing and he says he NEEDED to talk to me the world is not whole for him when we are not speaking. We had a cheerful conversation for like 10 mins he asked again about my weekend, I told him I can’t make it as I have programs (this was true) then told him I needed to go.
Next day he chatted me again just to say hi and ask how my day was, I said I was doing great. Then he wished me good time for the weekend and told me to grab a drink eventually when we are both available.
This was 4 days ago. Nothing happened since. (I’m not worried or anything just want to be preapared for the next move)
My question is:
1 do you think he is interested at all? To what extent is he interested, if he is often reminiscenting about the past and says that his world is not whole without me?
I strongly believe he is missing me, but do you think my approach is good enough to make him miss me to the extent he would make stronger movements?
2 I only partially applying the NC rule, as I don’t see it 100% fit for this specific guy. What do you think is the best move now? not responding? responding but keeping it short? encourage him? Encourage him then ignore him again maybe?
FYI – I’m doing quite well, going out a lot, not really sad, more like determined to carry on with my life with our without him, but in my heart I really wish if he just came back. and I’m also kinda ungettable girl, at least this is how all my friends and ex boyfriends see me.
I appreciate if you could just tell me what do you think is going on as I don’t seem to fit into any of the traditional categories (broke up, broken up with, cheated, etc)
Thanks
Sofie
admin
October 23, 2013 at 7:44 pm
I like your attitude.
1. I think he is interested but unsure about things. For sure he is thinking of you!
2. I think full NC is worth a try. At this point you have nothing to lose or that is how you need to approach things.
Anne
October 23, 2013 at 10:16 pm
I just had to reply to this from Sofie: You said when he came back, “He asked me out but I didnāt ackownledge the invitation.”
He wouldn’t ask you out if he didn’t like you, but you didn’t acknowledge him. He CAN’t make any stronger movements if you ignore him. He’s not going to keep asking you out, if you blow him off-he will figure you are not interested anymore,and he will move on. He flat out TOLD you he couldn’t give you what he felt you needed before he left for his trip so he DID break up with you. It sounds like he really had some other things going on- it wasn’t like he was jerk- he just didn’t have the time to give to you, and it was probably the right thing for him to do at the time, so you wouldn’t be tied down to him.
Now that he is back, why would you apply NC if you like him, he’s interested, contacting you, AND asking you out? NC would be if he wasn’t contacting you. He’s NOT going to come over and express his undying love for you, if you won’t even respond to his date request. It sounds like you are trying to play games and you can’t build value playing games. It’s like you are sitting in a car, mad at the car because it won’t go, but you haven’t even turned on the engine!
If you can’t get past him breaking up with you then tell him, “This isn’t going to work, I’ve moved on with my life and wish you well. Please don’t contact me again.” Then you go to NC and don’t respond to him.
But if like the guy, go out with him. See what he does, how he treats you, what kind of time you have. See how fast he follows up for the next date- or doesn’t, and you will have your answers. I’m not expert, but I do know you will never get anywhere with him if you don’t try, aren’t honest, and at least respond to his date request!
Yvette
October 21, 2013 at 8:53 pm
Hi Chris,
Is there such a thing as too ungettable? I have the hardest time finding a man who will either ask me for a date or once we date a few times tells me he isn’t good enough for me because I am the kind of woman who deserves a man who can give me everything because I am a queen. They all say I am an unforgettable woman and should be with someone like me. Is it just a line to let me down easy or am I really doing something wrong?
admin
October 22, 2013 at 2:31 am
Check you out being “too ungettable.”
I suppose there can be b/c men will assume other men will hit on you 24/7 and that can scare people off.
I don’t think you are doing anything wrong at all.
Yvette
October 22, 2013 at 6:40 pm
Thanks Chris!! I was starting to wonder haha
shanda
October 20, 2013 at 11:06 pm
Hey Chris, I need help…. ive been dating this guy for 4 months and all of a sudden, he started pulling back, because I was fussing about us not spending any time together,he stop spending the night over my place, and he seems to have an excuse for not being over and I just got sick of it and broke it off.Then, I wanted him back and now he’s saying he just want to do him, space, and don’t know if he will revisit this situation with me.But, he wont tell me if he wants me out of his life completely.He wont answer my calls, but does responds to the text….I’m just heart-broken, I really do love him, and he was soo sweet and I couldn’t understand the reason for him pitting me off,or I felt like he was anyway. What am I supposed to do to get him back?…ive tried the NC rule, it lasted a short 24 hrs.He just seems like he’s content with the way things is. Its driving me up the wall. I know if I could see him,i’m sure I could get him to change his mind, but he don’t wanna see me at all….Help?…what do you suggest?
admin
October 22, 2013 at 1:02 am
Well, its actually really simple. Do the NC and last longer than 24 hours hahaha.
Josiane
December 6, 2013 at 3:29 pm
I love your replies, Chris. Hahaha.
admin
December 6, 2013 at 8:09 pm
Sorry they are kind of not the best I feel but I get so many and I can’t give everyone everything they deserve which makes me feel bad.
Josiane
December 8, 2013 at 5:09 pm
Oh….don’t be sorry :0)
I meant exactly the opposite: your comments are great because they’re short and simple and very objectives!!! š
But I understand you about the amount of comments you have to deal with: you need a Ex Bf Recovery staff, huh? :p
I love the images you use here too….I’m saving a lot of them to post on my Fbook (^_^) they’re so good!
How about the new E-book…are you working on it already?
admin
December 8, 2013 at 7:16 pm
I am going to be working on it today actually. I am going to figure out the table of contents and go from there.
Kind of crazy that a website I just created for fun turned into a full time job that I put everything into but I am glad you are getting value out of it.
Josiane
December 6, 2013 at 3:37 pm
Sorry my comment would be about your first reply to her, the 24hrs one…..oh and by the way: I’m so nervous my man haven’t reached out anymore since the 5th day of NC …I’m in the 20 day….it’s freaking hard for me to endure it.. :(…..he’s pretty proud, snob( he admitted that) and very introvert….so I’m trying to take it easy…..you know? Reading all this helps me a lot while I’m in the NC :0)…..I’m thinking about extended it to 40 days (Dec 26) to see if he send me any text by Christmas….what do you think? :* thanks a lot. GOD bless you.
shanda
October 24, 2013 at 9:09 pm
Dear Chris,
Okay, you are definitely right!….I still have questions.So the other day 10/22,/2013 to be exact, I sent a text, telling him aout my grandfather who is sick in the hospital. I know I tol him to see what kind of response i’ll get if any. He did respond,’sorry about your grandpa”.Moving along, I also asked how was his day going.He said, Okay. Then,Chris, I started texting I miss you and everything about you and our relationship and that i’ll get it right if I was just giving the chance to make it right.Chris, he keeps telling me it’s Over, stop texting him, he’s done with me.He don’t want any part of my life.Chris, is it possible that he wont ever give me a chance? Then, he say’s I talked to him like a child, he has never told me til 2 days ago. he said, the only time I treated him like man, was when we were having sex, and its so far from the truth, last week,it was because I refused to have any more kids. it just seems like everyday its a different excuse.Chris, I cant stand the idea of him being with anyone else and Im trying my best to keep my cool according to your tips.He say’s once he’s done in a relationship, he don’t go backwards. Are all men like this? or is this his anger speaking?….. Im realling afraid in 30 days he will find someone else, so I constantly sends him a text every morning, saying “goodmorning” or text him at work. Chris, he still communicates with me, but he wont see me or except my phone calls….. Chris, please give me more incite besides the NC rule. What will that do? what if he finds someone else? He tells me,ive pushed him away and there’s no returning back to me ever. we have been broke up for 2 and half weeks.Yet, he tells me all the things that were wrong in the relationship, that I never knew about til now. Am I losing here by continuing to reach out to him ? when he has made it very clear he wants nothing to do with me.And ,chris, I was the one that keptd asking him do he want me out of his life and he would never answer the question,til one day I pushed too hard and he said,’yes’, I want you out.I don’t know what to do. Please help me.
admin
October 26, 2013 at 12:59 am
Well, be careful about talking to him at this point.
NC is a good idea for you as you already know. Right now I would just focus on getting through that.
shanda
October 26, 2013 at 6:21 am
Thanks Chris, I will definitely impliment this rule and see what happens. Thanks for the Advice I’m hoping during this period of NC it will make him miss me.Ladies, chris is right contacting after a break-up will make your boyfriend not like you even more. i hope my exboyfriend will consider our relationship again.
admin
October 26, 2013 at 5:55 pm
Well, I think a lot of it depends on what you contacted him after the breakup but generally yes I have heard horror stories.
shanda
October 24, 2013 at 9:19 pm
Oh, Chris,one more question, Ive always been told when a man stops sleeping with you, they have emotionally removed themselves from you and the relationship.Is this true? Chris, I don’t want to lose him, but he say I have.And prior to our break up, I told him I felt we should go our separate ways and he beg me not to leave him and just be patient with him, then he flipped the switched on me a week later. With no feeling what so ever,its like hes just cold like ice.I don’t get this, he just said, he gave up cause I wasn’t understanding of his time, which is untrue, but 3 weekends in a row of not seeing him and I just went off.
Chels
October 19, 2013 at 10:06 pm
Thanks again for another great post! I am quickly learning the best form of revenge is self improvement. Hopefully I didn’t mess up the NC part in the beginning. But as of today he is a relationship with the girl from another country. We have only been broken up a month. I just can’t grasp this. But I am working harder and harder on being that UG girl. I feel like I am to other guys but not to the one that matters. Should I be out dating? Even if my heart is not in it?
admin
October 20, 2013 at 9:22 pm
The best revenge in life is massive success or in this case massive self improvement.
I do recommend dating but ONLY if you are feeling it.
Ally
October 19, 2013 at 9:30 am
love this post!!!!! Thanks a million Chris. Got so close to getting him back about a month ago and he freaked out and started rebound number 2 (for looks and not personality). We were going out for 4 years and there’s still that electricity between us. I was always the ‘ungettable girl’ to him and think he was surprised that he was able to get me initially (6 month chase). Problem is that he is very good looking but he is not well educated and the fact that I am was always a threat to him. He also feels that if we get back together, I will bring up the past (he started internet dating 2 weeks after the breakup). I’m on day 7 of no contact and bumped into him yesterday (we work together). I gave him a big smile and walked on. Please wish me luck, I’ve no issues moving on but this chapter doesn’t seemed to have closed as yet…. xxx
admin
October 19, 2013 at 9:08 pm
Chased you for 6 months. How in the world did he keep the faith my goodness.
Ally
October 20, 2013 at 6:57 pm
Yeah, about 6 months and I fell for him after a ‘grand gesture’, I came a hair’s breath of getting him back about a month ago and I completely freaked out when he asked me if we could try again. He was crying on the phone telling me that he misses my little hands and feet (how cute is that?) and thinks about me constantly. I’m mortified to think why I said the things I did to him and kept bringing up the past in the one conversation. That conversation can only be described as lunacy. I am normally quite composed but my nerves are shot trying to deal with work stress and getting him back. He doesn’t respond well to confrontation. I think on reflection, I could have handled that conversation with a bit more grace and should not have badgered him with multiple phone calls of ‘we need to talk’.
As they say there’s plenty more fish in the sea etc etc but I feel that this is still worth the effort. We were happy for 99% of the time and sincerely loved being with each other. Seems like he ran when he realized that he hasn’t experienced life, is not as travelled as I am and is dealing with self confidence issues. I’m hoping with your experience Chris, you still think there’s some hope xxx Ps on day 8 of no contact :-(( (round 2)
admin
October 20, 2013 at 9:26 pm
Well, at least you have the right attitude about this.
I am curious what was the grand gesture that you fell for?
Ally
October 21, 2013 at 10:38 pm
There’s a a view of a mountain outside my office window. One winter’s morning I looked out and saw this billboard saying: ‘Will you PLEASE go out with me (my name)?’ He’d been trying to get my attention for 6 months before we started going out. I didn’t think he was my type.
I got a text today! Asking how I am. I am on day 9 of no contact. Haven’t replied. I heard through a mutual friend that he’s been asking around if anyone’s seen me and if I look ok… !?. (we work in the same hospital). I feel I’m thinking clearly now and much calmer. Not getting my hopes up but he’s definitely thinking about me which is good. I feel as if he’s not ready to settle just yet and that’s where we were heading- marriage etc. If we don’t get back together (which I understand is a possibility) No contact definitely removed the power he has because I’m almost certain he’s looking at his phone expecting me to text at some point. Will keep you posted xxx
admin
October 22, 2013 at 2:37 am
Wow!!!!!
Are you telling me that he had that billboard there for 6 months before you noticed?
Anna
October 19, 2013 at 1:43 am
Would you consider Victoria Secret models type of body too skinny?
admin
October 19, 2013 at 8:31 pm
Most probably aren’t. Some really are but since I am sworn to be truthful here if you were to ask me if I would date them all I would say yes. VS models have something very rare in this world, super status! Men always look for the best deal and whats a better deal than a high class model?
Thats as honest as I can be.
Bec
October 18, 2013 at 9:33 am
Hi Chris,
Firstly great post.
Secondly, I’m trying to be the ungettable girl but the problem is that I used to be her. My ex and I were best friend for 5 years before getting together and he’d be constantly trying to get me – he described me as his big fantasy.
He softened me and made me like girly things like snuggling and being emotionally involved with someone.
I’m a little unsure how to be the ungettable girl when I’ve already been her and already do everything in your post:
I was thankfully blessed with good genes: a pretty face, D cup boobs, long blonde hair, big green eyes, an infectious smile with lips (I’ve been told) suitable for a botox advert. I clearly don’t lack confidence, though contrary to this post I’m not arrogant or big headed about it.
I always dress to impress – dresses or leather skirts in the office (my ex and I work together, so were on minimal contact) and unless they are skinny jeans I don’t wear trousers at all.
He tells me he’s still very attracted to me – we even went again the other night and everything was great (I think I can thank England qualifying for the world cup for the initial hugging) till we were kissing goodnight and he remembered he has a new girlfriend.
The Christmas party invites went out that day and I thought he was asking me to dinner to discuss bringing the new girlfriend, he didn’t mention it once until I asked him not to bring her, only after the mention of her after he kissed me – he says he’d already asked her š
We had a small argument where I said it’s too soon and I’m not ready, especially with all the staff watching my reaction. Then we let the argument go, resumed snuggling, discussed how much we missed each other, got on our respective buses home all the while sending each other sexy text messages and I’m ashamed to admit skyped when we got home!
We’re going out again on Sunday “as friends”. I don’t want to be the other woman – I love him and fear I’m just going to get repeatedly hurt.
I’m really trying to be ungettable and it’s getting his attention, things start working but then he’ll crush me and all my confidence just goes. How should I play “ungettable” on Sunday?
Do I need to go back and do minimal contact again?
admin
October 18, 2013 at 7:19 pm
Thanks!
Ungettable girls exude confidence and are easily approachable but no matter what they make a guy chase. THAT should be your goal. Get him to chase.
Bec
October 21, 2013 at 6:46 am
Thanks for the advice – we had our “friend date” on Sunday and everything was lovely but it was clear we both wanted more. We spent 2 hours lay on my bed looking at flats he wants to buy on the internet! Then sat very flirty with me in the cinema.
He even told me he’s still very attracted to me but “it’s good that we resisited”
He thinks that us really liking each other and suffering as friends is a good idea?!?!
It’s just becoming painfull and hard to be confident. He says thats because everything is so fresh and raw, yet he’s got a new girlfriend and is stringing me along for the unpleasant ride aswell.
I don’t understand this behaviour.
admin
October 22, 2013 at 1:39 am
No woman can haha. Men are so stupid. I am a guy and I even admit half the time I don’t know what I do and why I do it.
You are making slow progress though I think.
joanne
October 18, 2013 at 5:35 am
What if I am a gettable girl doesn’t mean your going
to get your ex back,he is still decideing after 5 months wether he wants to get back,your info is ridiculous.The only way you can attract him back is
no pressure,not to much contact,when I say that i cant even go and see him,lives interstate only contact is phone or email,just being friends is a start if you have friendship which ours is 10 years
helps,you have to give yourself a time limit which I
have,then i will visit him,take it from there!
admin
October 18, 2013 at 7:00 pm
I am sorry you feel that this post is ridiculous :(.
Good luck to you in your attempt to get your ex back.
joanne
October 22, 2013 at 1:24 pm
Gee thanks for your positive reply,he has made more contact with me now because I have backed off,
Girls if you read this no man likes pressure
be yourself have confidence he will return,
he will realise there is only one of you if your
indivilist person,Im positive we will get back together.
admin
October 23, 2013 at 7:49 pm
Sorry have been sick all day :(.
Glad he is making contact with you though!
abby
November 23, 2013 at 2:31 pm
get well soon, chris.. š
Gabby
October 18, 2013 at 12:58 am
This is Amazing Chris i lalalalove it!
Glad to have a male prespective on the “ungettable girl..”
lol š
admin
October 18, 2013 at 6:40 pm
Thanks Gabby! That means a lot š