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ShineyLady
June 20, 2014 at 9:09 pm
Opinions on n/c lasting over 6 months? Does it mean it’s officially “over?”
Sarah
June 20, 2014 at 8:53 pm
Hi Chris,
my situation is a bit different but I hope you can give me a man’s perspective on how to handle it. I broke up with my ex ten months ago. In that time he has “chased” me and pleaded with me (through calls and emails then just emails cause I changed my number) to come beg to him. During that time I did not see him once though I did repsond to his emails a few times, usually in a mean way or with demands on what he would have to do to for me to come back (note: I broke up with him mainly cause I didn’t want to move over seas with him and cuase he was a bit controlling at times).
Anyway…in the past month he has emailed me non-stop begging me to come back, and three days ago I called him and rudely told him I would come back (because I do love and miss him) only if he did certain things. But I said it in a very rude and demeaning way. He told me that he suspects I am playing with him and that I am too mean and that he no longer wants me back, that he is done.
Since then, I have suddenly been obsessed with getting him back. I know why, it’s because he turned the tables and got the contol back. NOW, I have emailed him three times and called a few times and he wont answer or reply. MY QUESTION IS: would no contact work in this situation (where you want someone back that you originally dumped) and is it too late to apply NO CONTACT since I already emailed and called for a few days?
What can I do to get a guy back that I dumped and treated bad to the point that he stopped trying to get me back?
Thanks!
Sarah
June 20, 2014 at 9:01 pm
ps: I want to add that I know it is possible that perhaps he never really wanted me back and that he tried to get me back for ten months just so that he could then be the one to walk away. Maybe cause his ego was hurt,etc. Is this possible? Could an alpha male type man pursue you for ten long months after you dump him just so he can turn the tables?
If so, is it better to simply walk away and not initiate NO CONTACT?
Paolo
June 20, 2014 at 3:30 pm
if the relation was 5 months how long is the NC rule?
ruchi
June 20, 2014 at 12:19 pm
This is day 4 of my nc. I feel the constant need to contact him what should I do
Zahra
June 24, 2014 at 9:41 pm
Keep it up! I’m in NC for 12 days now, it’s still hard to not contact him, but it’s better to not focus on him but on yourself. NC gives you (and him) the time to think and clear your mind. Go out with friends, go exercising, do some yoga or any other hobbies. Stick to the 30 days rule (minimum) and if you ever feel (after those days) to contact him, think wisely and then choose. And keep in mind: it’s his loss more than yours. Be confident!
*Sorry for any grammar errors, it’s not my native language*
Jenna
June 19, 2014 at 7:12 pm
Hi,
I was seeing a guy for a couple weeks. Things were going great! He seemed like he was really into me. Always texting and calling me. We were set up to go out on a Friday night but he couldn’t stand to wait till Friday so we went to lunch Tuesday. We saw each other almost daily and spent several nights together (his place and mine). He introduced me to his brother. Anyhow, we had an evening where we were drinking and I was talking about something that he didn’t agree with and he went off. Said we were done. I was going on vacation the next day with family. I didn’t text him until 2 days later asking him if we could talk when I got back. He has responded to several text since but is very distant and told me that we just needed to be friends. At that point, I stopped contacting him. I had made it a whole week when I get a text from him asking for a booty call (exact words: meaningless sex later)because he was out drinking. I wasn’t going to respond, but told him that I was sorry that I couldn’t and that it wouldn’t be meaningless for me. I am wondering if he was testing me or if her truly believes that I would accept his invitation. There has been no other contact. I do believe he really had feelings for me and want a chance to get to know each other better. Any advice is greatly appreciated…
Liza
June 19, 2014 at 3:11 pm
Its been 1 weak that he broke up with me after almost two years of relationship yet My ex and i have agreed 2 be friends after our breakup. Well after reading your article i want to try the NC rule. But i know my ex will contact me during dis 30 days of NC contact rule as we are friends nw… so my fear is that, what if he refuses to talk to me after this 30 days of ignoring his calls and messages as he is kind of hot tempered n hates being ignored? And what reason shall i give for this 30 days of ignoring him?
admin
June 21, 2014 at 7:18 pm
You should say that you just needed alone time.
Dani
June 19, 2014 at 8:45 am
Hi Chris,
Thanks for your blog…I need your advice on wat to do. My bf and I broke up just over 4months ago. He was going through a bout of depression a few months prior to that and actually kissed someone else. We struggled in that time as he wasnt upfront about his problems and it caused a lot of strain. Before this period, we were together a year and it had been amazing, v intense and we were both very in love until he hit that point. However, if we did have a fight he couldnt be an adult about it and it was classed as ‘damage’. He also claimed the ‘buzz’ was gone during his bad period. That’s the background..
Anyway, post breakup we never really did no contact (2 wks was the most). I still love him and want him bk. A month after I broached him and he said he felt there was too much damage. So I left it. Then over the past 6wks we ended up sleeping together every week or so…I know the ultimate do not. Last week i asked him cud he see us back together and he said ‘never, there was too much damage done, he would always have scored the ultimate own goal by kissing someone else and how wud he ever face my family and friends. He also said he did love me and always wud but there was no going back. Im not proud of my reaction, i probably seemed like I begged him to get back together and desperate. Im devastated. So wat do I do from here, I want him back but perhaps i am clutching at straws? Is it too late for no contact to have any effect of his mind is made up? I want nothing more than him to want to be with me. Its hard to know war to do after 4months so advice wud b very appreciated. Thanks in advance.
admin
June 21, 2014 at 7:06 pm
Well, you should probably give the NC a shot.
Carissa34
June 19, 2014 at 12:14 am
What are your thoughts on men making big, impulsive decisions shortly after a break up? My ex BF made the decision to sell one of his vehicles (that I thought he was really attached to) about 1 week into our NC–and then turned around and purchased another vehicle.
admin
June 20, 2014 at 7:35 pm
My thoughts are that it happens very often.
Rocky
June 18, 2014 at 8:03 pm
I can relate to most of the situations. I have a unique situation as well, the man I am in love with is scared of commitment, he is like a rubber band. Two years and we have never gone more than two weeks of contact, I allow him his space and there he is, not wanting to let go. Than we are back to square one, and poof he is go again. He told me I was important to him. It he doesn’t want to lose me. And we go again! I will do the 30 day it makes sense
admin
June 20, 2014 at 7:26 pm
In other words, when its time for him to actually follow through with his words he doesn’t?
nat
June 18, 2014 at 7:19 pm
So I messed up badly. We were together for one year. My main problem was that he is the independent kind of guy and i’m the insecure kind of girl. He is a very busy guy with a lot of interests and really wanted most of them to do them alone without my company and this, from a point forward, about 5 months after the establishment of our relationship, made me furious. I was jealous, feeling not getting much of his attention, negleted etc… we had awful fights cause i was leading them to that point. After we broke up, almost instantly i got involved with another guy who wasnt stable at all with me, and at the stages that he went out of our little story, i was using my ex, who knew about this other guy. This situation lasted for about one year too. I hurt him badly. He did not know the whole truth about the other guy but he sensed all the times that we were back together that something wasnt well and my reactions were the worst ever….. the last 9 months we had no contact whatsoever. I started to think who i am, what i did, how bad person i am to somebody that truly loved me and his only disadvantage was his need for time with himself…. otherwise i had the most perfect time ever with him…. we met this week, after almost a month of texting, where he confessed that he is seeing another girl and he is enthousiastc, not in love. they are dating for about couple of months. he confessed how much he loved me, how much i hurt him and i apologised too from deep inside. today he met again. our date was emotionally full, shared a big hug, and after thirty minutes of our goodbye, he called to tell that it is not right for him to meet me again, because of the new girl, because he cannot stop thinking of me since the first date this week and that he doesnt think that neither him nor i are ready for each other. he actually said i cannot meet you again but want to talk to you over the phone, and we will see…..
in the meantime i am in a face of self searching, starting psychotherapy next week. i am thinking that i was the best for him and at the same time the worst ever hurting him so much and that he deserves a real opportunity to check out for happiness with his new girlfriend…. i certanly need time for myself for self improvement/respect/love and i m working on that with or without him.
i am not going to contact him. but what should i do if he contacts me over the phone???? we are not the kind of story that just broke up and need time separately. i am afraid of not texting back or answering the phone if he does call, he may think that i am back to my bad behaviour self and ignoring him (though i had never ever ignored him, have done other bad behaviour stuff….)
admin
June 20, 2014 at 7:23 pm
Maybe you can do limited contact if you are that worried about it?
Confused
June 18, 2014 at 6:52 pm
My ex and I decided to take a break for a couple of months because he was overwhelmed with work. He is an attorney working on a once in a lifetime case. He’s already put in 7 years of his life into it and couldn’t turn back. Anyways some unexpected events took place he ended up takng on a lot of responsibility and things got really overwhelming. We started arguing the month or so before we separated. We had a very civilized break up. He asked for some time just so he can get his life in order and said he wanted to keep in touch in the mean time if I was alright with that. It’s been just over two weeks and we’ve communicated a couple of times but we kept the talk simple. I’ve known him for almost 10 years and we started dating things got very serious very fast. We dated for ten months before we broke up. He said he still sees me in his future and isn’t interested in dating other people. I feel like I’m stuck in the middle because I’m technically single but mentally I don’t feel single. I went to grab my stuff from his place and he said to leave it there and that we would be ok. He’s 40 and I’m 30. I’ll continue giving him his space cause I know he’s in a trial for the next couple of weeks. I hope he comes around when he has time to breath. Any advice?
admin
June 20, 2014 at 7:21 pm
What does he want out of a relationship? Marriage?
Confused
June 24, 2014 at 3:57 am
He wants marriage and kids. That’s where our relationship was headed within a couple of months of dating. He did call me a couple of days ago to update me on his work and ask how I was. We didn’t talk about the relationship much except for him saying he was sorry for not calling and that we “should keep talking”, during the break I’m assuming. I still have mixed feelings about this whole thing.
admin
June 24, 2014 at 6:56 pm
Is that what you wanted too?
Confused
June 25, 2014 at 12:20 am
Yes., but. I don’t want it to feel forced on his end.
Anna lee
June 17, 2014 at 9:10 pm
What if you were only dating for 1-2 months? Would it be better in that instance to try to mend things right away?
admin
June 18, 2014 at 1:31 pm
Shortned NC in this case.
Anna lee
June 19, 2014 at 6:48 pm
To how long?
sammy
June 17, 2014 at 12:44 pm
Hi, I was with this for almost three months. We had an amzing chemistry. He was clearly more in to me than I was into him, which sometimes frightend me and wanted to break up several times. But then I started to like him a lot to. We spend most the days together. Later we got in an arguement and we broke up. We didn’t talk for 2 weeks (because after the break-up he wasn’t sure anymore about me/ his feelings).
After two weeks we met again, so that we could talk normaly to eachtother again. When I saw him, it was clear to me that he still had strong feelings for me (what was kind of a relieve). Later when I got home, we talked to eachother and he said to me that he had an amazing time and that he was so happy to see me again.
But now he doesn’t initiate the conversation…
I don’t what I should do; should I start speaking to him? I also don’t what’s going on in his head. Because he doesn’t know anything :s….
So what should I do…
every tip is welcome! (excuse me for my bad english)
sammy
June 19, 2014 at 5:56 am
can you answer my question?
silvia
June 17, 2014 at 3:44 am
Hi Chris My ex and I broke up one week ago because he took me for granted and wasn’t treating me with respect.So I broke up with him by saying that I lost my feelings for him and want to move one and he is not the right guy for me. We were NC for a week and then he called me several times today and asked if he can call me sometimes to talk to me cause he misses talking to me and still feels the connection. I responded it is ok for him to call me. I love him very much do not want stay around him by loosing my self-respect.How should I behave with him from this point to make him feel crazy about me ?
admin
June 17, 2014 at 9:04 pm
I thought you broke up b/c he was disrespecting you though?
silvia
June 18, 2014 at 2:01 am
yes I did cause he wasn’t making time for me during the weekend .He was seeing another girl.:(But he still likes to keep in touch with me but that doesn’t enough for me to go back to him.Since he contacted me within a week during NC, I just wanted to see how I should behave inorder to have him back completely.
Shan
June 16, 2014 at 8:36 pm
What if you suspect that your ex didnt love you, but was just infatuated without true love?
My ex was the best boyfriend when we were together…. almost 9 months. We shared a lot of experiences together which he couldnt get enough of at the time. He would walk miles to my house from the train station without question. We never fought. Until one day, which was down to me being quite frankly not very well and depressed. He was SO quick to walk away from us. We had “the talk” after some time and he still refused to work it out, even though he said it wasnt my fault. He wanted us to “be friends”. I tried… no, too many emotions. I had also read your article about the friendzone! I told him it wasnt working for me, and I had decided to go on ahead without him.
Ive read a bit on infatuation and how that compares to real love, particularly when the relationship hits a challenge. It certainly seems to fit in with him. And he hadnt had a long term girlfriend in many years…. a proper bachelor. He said I had been everything he had looked for… Then suddenly when I was a flawed human, he didnt want to know.
Its very painful to think that he didnt love me.
Ive gone NC on him, but the phone and email and everything is completely silent.
I will however occasionally see him in work. Right now, I just want to swear at him… but I will keep my dignity.
I guess this is pretty much it? Over and out.
I cant see any way of getting his love now, NC wouldnt work on someone like this ?
admin
June 17, 2014 at 8:31 pm
Infatuated without true love?
How old is he?
Shan
June 21, 2014 at 10:22 am
He is actually 41.!!! I think he is a commitment phobe! And childish. Threw his toy – me, out of the pram.
Update is that I saw him in work the other day. Went the long way to where I needed to go, so I wouldnt walk past his desk. But I still walked into him, unavoidable as he came around the corner. He said hello, and as I walked past, started a conversation. Argh! I couldnt ignore him, not in work. But since then, I have walked past him several times and neither talked to him nor even looked at him.
Jenna
June 16, 2014 at 5:54 pm
Hey Chris, me and my ex boyfriend work at a restaurant together, I’m a server and he works in the kitchen so there are times where I’m required to ask him about work-related things. I deleted his number, blocked him on facebook and instagram, so I haven’t been in contact with him outside of work for 8 days now. But how do I implement the no contact rule at work? Should I not say hi or bye or anything? Need help. Thanks.
admin
June 17, 2014 at 8:27 pm
Continue on doing NC but if you have to ask him work related things its ok.
shivani
June 16, 2014 at 12:49 pm
hey Chris!!
your suggestions are really very helpful and nice 🙂
i was randomly searching internet and luckily i got diamonds in the ocean very easily….
i have an incy wincy query…
i am in no contact rule period and his birthday is falling in same time,,,what should i do??? he is very stubborn, he wants me but we are facing alot of differences.. i know i should call him and wish on his day…but what will be the impact and how to tackle when i wish him and to what extent should i talk…should i call at midnight(i am always the first one to wish him)
or what time and way of talking will be proper so he dont get hurt and nor i look desperate(with all my dignity and self respect)..
admin
June 16, 2014 at 2:35 pm
You do not break NC for his bday.
shivani
June 16, 2014 at 4:49 pm
not even text message?? it will be 8 days of my NC with him..
Jennifer
June 15, 2014 at 4:31 pm
Day 19 of NC. Is it supposed to get more difficult as time goes on?? I expected things would get easier, but this is the hardest day yet. I swear it feels like an eternity.
admin
June 16, 2014 at 2:02 pm
You are doing really well. You can make it I know you can.
Alice
June 14, 2014 at 8:59 am
Hi there,
My ex and I had been together for 3 years before we broke up. We used to barely fight and for a month before we broke up all we did was fight. And I told him I couldn’t see myself happy with him in the future and that started to affect him a lot and he broke up two weeks later. I made a lot of mistakes after that. Kept calling him, texting him begging him to come back to me. And he started hanging out with this girl a while later. Two and a half weeks after we broke up, he slept with her and called and told me about it and said he felt really guilty. I stopped talking to him on that day cause i wanted my time to figure things out and he texted me on two days after that, one day telling me about what a “gem” I am and about how i deserve better than him and another day he texted me because we had run into eachother and I’d completely avoided him and I was with another guy who he always thought I’m going to end up dating. He texted me on that day asking me to not avoid him and not throw him out of my life and I ignored that message as well. Yesterday, he sent me a text asking me not to bunk class just because he’s there in it. and I told him the reason I’ve been bunking is because I got into an accident and not because of him and we started talking. I thought I was falling for this other guy but as soon as my ex messaged me I got back all my memories with him and realised I dont want to be with anyone else. We got to talking and he kept asking me if I’m dating anyone and I kept telling him it’s complicated and I asked him what’s going on between him and the other girl and he said he doesn’t know but it’s peaceful the way it is and started asking me about who I like. I didn’t tell him anything and stopped talking to him. Do you think I have a chance in getting him back? Do you think he still likes me?
admin
June 15, 2014 at 5:55 pm
May I ask your ages?
Alexia
June 14, 2014 at 6:29 am
Me and my boyfriend of 8 months broke up and he started completely ignoring me and blocked me after i started begging threatened him and did some crazy things he really wanted the friendship to work out i stopped any kind of contact after he ignored me for to days and here we are I’m 3 complete days without a contact which seemed so impossible before since we talked every day all day . how much time do you think it will take for him to heal and be able to talk to me again and who do you think should initiate the contact. he told me he has never been as close to any girl as me .