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lisa
December 29, 2014 at 6:52 pm
Hi Chris, When my bf broke up with me..saying he will be very busy making his career coz its the peek time and also said tht he is not sure of marrying me in future.he doesnt see us in the long run. It was almost 4 yrs we were together and he really really loved me with all his heart in starting 2 yrs…but last yr we were being distant as our location has changed due to job n all. we had some huge n little fights due to less communication and he was not giving me as much the time i needed. But after break up i dint contact him for around 33 dys aftr that i needed work related matter so i mailed him and he replied soon with all info. even he dint initiated ny contact during these dys…again aftr 20 dys he asked me to work on something professional work thrugh msg..i said i will see ..but aftr one day i denied working with him and mailed him that i have some other imp work. aftr 3 dys he called first time to again ask about the wrk..kind of he forced to wrk so i accepted….i wrked on that..thruought week we wer in contact thru mail but i never used to call him most of the time only he..bt for the wrk purpose talk and yes his tone used to be very calm and sweet as if nothing has happened. aftr around 1 month i called him some imp information regarding the work done together he informed somehow tht he ll b in town and I shud meet him to to take the document. I ignored twice by making a litle excuse but some how i needed to go and meet him. i met calmly we talked about each other lives..but i felt he was very uncomfortable in starting he was not seeing into my eyes by slowly had started joking and teasing me for some talks..while talking even tried to touch my hands and wen i was leaving he hugged me i avoided a little still he did. wht conclusion i shud made out of this? aftr that the nxt day even on christmas he wished me thrug msg. what shud i do? he is a busy person. as we dont live in the same city its long distance..is he confused ? or not ready to commit coz he knows i need commitment but he dint say nything clearly. shud i do something? I want him back because i love him and we were very happy together.
admin
January 5, 2015 at 2:32 pm
How far of a distance?
I have experienced a LDR so I know a thing or two about that.
lisa
January 22, 2015 at 5:09 pm
700-800 kms…12-14 hr journey by train.
Kai
December 17, 2014 at 3:06 am
Hi Chris,
I’d like your advice on my situation… it’s kind of a long one but I feel like all aspects need to be covered when asking for advice about this.
So me and my boyfriend were together for four years, we’re only eighteen now. We had a really good relationship, of course there were down points and I went through a stage of depression where I broke it off with him because I couldn’t love during that time (that’s how I think he’s feeling right now). He broke up with me about a month ago in a phone call. Earlier in the phone call he had told me he loved me but later on he broke up with me. During this phone call I think I lead him to believe that breaking up with me would make things easier on me but that might not be it. Since then I did talk to him for a few days… kind of desperately to be honest and then I cut contact for two weeks. A few days ago I sent him an email but he didn’t respond and I see this as him saying that he still needs more time. I was asking for some sort of closure in this email or a way to move forward but he didn’t reply to that. I know all of you ‘getting back together’ coaches say that it’s a bad idea to talk about getting back together but I was doing things my own way. My own way apparently does not work because he didn’t reply and has refused to reply to any of my messages for some time. This guy is a REALLY good guy, he is lovely in every way, I swear. And even after a month I still want to get back with him and I’ve come back to these websites in hopes of finding another method to get him back. I am pretty sure that he loves me but unfortunately our situation caused a lot of grief in our relationship… I got pregnant and we decided to have an abortion. It was a joint decision and I have made peace with it but I am afraid that he hasn’t. I know this might be out of your area of expertise but I’d like an opinion on this. I see this as that our situation caused us to need time apart and that’s alright but I want to get back together with him after the time apart. We are both going to the same uni next year and he will be away from his parents who are quite controlling and they were probably quite proud of him for breaking up with me. This is another reason that he might be afraid to get back with me; because he doesn’t want to disappoint his parents. I really think that next year we will be able to have another go at it after we’ve distanced ourselves from the previous situation that we were in. Do you think the same? Could you give me any advice on my particular situation? I feel that we didn’t break up because we were incompatible or anything but because of the extremely stressful situation that we were put in and he’s still young and this must be very difficult for him to deal with emotionally. I feel that he cut himself off from me for a reason but once he no longer feels the need to be alone he will come back. When we talked before he said that he didn’t want to be with anyone else and that it wasn’t about us or anything but that he just wanted to be by himself. Do you think that we have a chance of getting back together? I feel like we do…
Michelle
December 16, 2014 at 1:49 am
Hello,
My boyfriend of two years broke up with me last Friday. He tried to break up with me several times but I kept begging him to give things another chance. Our issues are that I’m kind of a slob and he isn’t as social and outgoing as I would like, but I adore him and wish we could make it work. We are still living together but I am planning on moving out in two weeks if things don’t change. Can I turn this around after acting so desperate? How should I handle this while we are still living together and then after I move if it comes to that?
Thanks,
Michelle
Grace
December 15, 2014 at 10:27 am
I broke the no contact rule so many times. Its been 5 months since the break up. The last time we talked I broke down crying and he said lets not talk anymore, since we’ve been agreeing not to talk for so many times but I always caved in and text him. Will the no contact rule still work? It’s been a week now, he made not contact yet 🙁 (He only sent me an emoticon on the first day as he pbb felt bad after our last talk, but i ignored it.
Please get back to me!
donna
December 15, 2014 at 9:53 am
Hi, my guy of two and a half years went cold on me after I told him that I needed to lay off sex till we are married (we are christians), and I just put it across that I felt guilty and wanted us to honour God. Well I didn’t see it as an invitation to break up because I thought he would grudgingly accept it after we talked about it. Well lo and behold, he withdrew from me and was so cold. This went on for nearly a week, and I was still my normal warm self. Finally he blew up one me when I suggested we chat about our relationship, texting me that he saw it as a decision he had no say over and I was just pushing him to accept no sex or a break up. I was really upset because I expected that marriage was on the cards. Maybe not in a year but definitely in a few years. I am 30 after all. He didn’t react well to my response on marriage, and said that he has been tired n depressed over my constant rejections of sex. He claimed that I have no idea how hurt and how bad he has had it. Now this really shocked me because I really dont behave passively in bed, and I honestly don’t rem rejecting him constantly. Well the most recent one was the night before I suggested abstaining from sex, so yes that hurt for him was fresh. But he made it seem like it was such an enormous issue and that I was tormenting him cruelly by rejecting him again and again. I totally dont get it. In our previous vacation, we had sex everyday so what on earth??! Anyway I was emotional by then so I was absolutely honest and vulnerable and confessed my reasons that I rejected sex then — for instance, religion and also I hadn’t waxed and i felt embarrassed. He didn’t even care about anything I said and just went on replying me that it has been so hard on him and he has tried to forget each time and continue loving me. And ranted that instead I am now cornering him with my demand. He also said he never considered marriage cos of this sexual rejection issue. Indeed we never really discussed marriage, but that was because I thought he was always stressed about his job or his family issues. I never once pushed him to propose to me or even hint of moving in (he lives alone).
I felt so hurt that in all this, he was so accusatory and cold. And to my credit I was trying to be as honest and I tried to take as much responsibility for my mistakes. But he never once raised his hurt to me and so why is suddenly throwing it all on me when before ALL this mess, he was still very sweet to me. He has always been very gentle and sweet and thoughtful. So this is totally unexpected. I was exasperated and devastated so I suggested many times to just end things. He didn’t buy it and just said that I am always wanting to leave. I felt so confused because he sure didn’t seem like he cared about us anymore.
Anyway, the next day he still went cold and withdrawn on me in the day, saying that he wanted to be alone and was not gonna join me for church. I asked him again if we were breaking up but he just replied neutrally that I always jump to conclusions. So after a while I caved and said I missed him, I thought maybe he wouldn’t reply (cos I told him the night before that I loved him but I got ZILCH reply), but surprisingly he said he missed me too. Thinking it was a good sign, I brought some dinner to his place and texted that I left it at his door. Insead of thanking me, he just replied me with such coldness that I broke down immediately. He said that he was not home, and he won’t eat it. Then he said he was not going to be back anytime soon. I told him it was alright, he could throw it away.
When I got home, I reread his texts on the first night and I realize that he never seemed to think that we would eventually get hitched, while I was hoping that was our final destination. And he was always pushing all the blame on me and playing victim himself. I couldn’t reconcile his extreme coldness and rudeness with his previous two years of warmth, love and care. I am not kidding you when I say that he is the most sensitive n sweet guy that I have dated. I mean he always opens the door for me! And he is supportive, encouraging and is always therevfor me. So this felt like an alien had taken over my sweetheart and the old him had gone.
The two things though that bugged me about our relationship previously was that he was very protective of his gadgets- not sure if he was hiding anything on the phone, though he spent nearly all his free time with me (he works a few nights too as a musician apart from his day job, so we dont have tons of free time together. ) the other thing that bugged me was that he would never want any of his musician friends to know he had a girlfriend (me) and would always claim that he wanted privacy and less probing. He’s not famous by the way, he’s just into music. And he didn’t even want to add me on his personal Facebook!! I felt hurt when he wouldn’t treat me as his girl when I watched him at gigs, but I have been trying to justify it by thinking that maybe he’s really private. Well honestly he has v shallow friendships and v few buddies (maybe just one dude), and he hates it when ppl ask him too many qns about his life (e.g. his work or his love life). He also said he had a bad experience before and he wanted to separate his private life and his work. But his face book?? Isn’t it going too far? So now…. I dont know if he’s going all crazy reactive on me making excuses I never really knew were so so bad because of something he’s hiding? Maybe he’s tired of me? Or he’s seeing other ppl? I wouldn’t know.
Today I was tired so I went neutral on him and funnily he has been texting me more (asking me what I was doing twice). Both times he was neutral and detached. No smiles no warmth. I am confused why he wouldn’t just end this if he wasn’t keen on me anymore. Is he afraid of being alone? (Christmas anyone?) Is he just trying to torture me? I feel like going NC on him but I am not sure if I should since we haven’t broken up for real yet, but I really feel tired of being treated this way. I am tired of wondering how he is spending his time and what’s up in his mind, and I am also hurt that he is so hostile to me. I told him yesterday that we obviously got it all different cos he never thought of marriage while I did, and my friends are angry for Me cos they think that he sounds like he just wanted me for sex (I dont buy this cos we did spend our time together doing many other things. He wasn’t a selfish lover either) they Also feel that if he loves me for real, he should respect my decision now and work together with me to solve our issues and not brush away marriage just like that. I mean… I am not desperate to get married, I told him I just wanted to be on the same page that I am not gonna wake up 10 years later realizing that he never wanted to marry me.
Any tips to this mess of mine? I need a male perspective 🙁 I know he’s going to be rather lonely for Christmas and me too, and I’m his closest friend, so I dont know if NC is too cruel or if it would turn him into an angry idiot even more.
Thank you so much.
Donna
Yuei
December 15, 2014 at 7:21 am
hello. me and my boyfriend broke up 3 weeks ago..after 2 weeks of break up he told me that he had a girlfriend already..i think he is annoyed with me cause i always text and pick a fight with him..i said my goodbyes to him and told him that i will be less annoying from now..do you think the NC will still work cause i want him back?
lola
December 12, 2014 at 3:37 am
Hi Chris – haven’t seen this situation, so I would appreciate your take. I bought your ebook last spring, decided I didn’t want my ex back. Started to date, met a guy I have been seeing for 6 months once a week. We’ll call him “Thursday Guy.” I dated others one or two dates, but he was the only one I really liked.
We had a great time together. His “aftertaste” is very sweet. The reason I cut off the dating relationship is because he was still surfing the dating site and didn’t seem willing to spend a little more time with me. He was content with our Thursdays. We did see each other a little more when we were working on a writing project together. We are writing a screenplay.
After a week of NC, I texted him and suggested we continue the work, that we could be a writing team, and he texted me back within 4 minutes. (Record time).
I think I might do the 30 day NC on him now, because I want him to initiate any get-togethers and have it come from him. Do you think his response was interesting? He may meet someone else in the meantime, but I will just try and be cool, aloof and unavailable for awhile.
How does a guy like being Friend Zoned like that?
admin
December 15, 2014 at 5:36 am
Thursday guy?
LOL how did that name come up?
I think it was interesting!
lola
December 16, 2014 at 9:25 pm
That name is because we had a standing date on Thursdays that we rarely broke. We’d see each other a weekend here and there in the summer. Just as we were negotiating a schedule to work on the screenplay (and other projects), he got sick, clammed up and acted distant and unavailable. I got frustrated and calmly broke the “girlfriend” thing off. Within a few days of my not contacting him, he spent 4 hours emailing me and texting me. I responded. He didn’t ask to make plans with me, but we bantered about the script and other friendly things.
This exchange went on for hours. Which is also interesting. He must miss me. haha
I’ve decided instead of NC, I’ll just wait for him to initiate contact and be friendly and polite. No mind games. Just cool. He probably won’t meet anyone he likes better, but let him find out the Grass is not Greener.
Ann
December 15, 2014 at 9:45 am
Hi Chris!
So I’ve been reading every page you have about how to get your ex back.. Well I am in need of help to deal with my situation bc I have no idea what to do & I really want my ex back…
So we broke up 3 weeks ago, I’ve been dating him for a little over 2 years & him & I basically would talk to each other 24/7, if not in person, through text. I practically would stay with him every night, except 2 days of the week. So we had a big fight about what I had said one night when I was really drunk & as he says, I’ve embarrassed him in front of his friends. The weekend before I accidentally embarrassed him in front of his parents & he’s really close with all of them, so it’s a big thing that our fight lead to all of this. He was very verbally abusive in the relationship & I was always nervous, insure, protective (normal gf behaviors) & I guess there was just too many times we had big fights & this last one was too much, so he broke up with me & I’ve been a wreck these past couple of weeks. Trying to enhance myself so when the next the next time he sees me I look better than before…so during these past weeks, he’s been going out & meeting/hooking up or getting girls number. He even took one on a date a week or two after our break up.. It tore me apart & I’ve been texting him everyday telling him how I feel & that I thought about my mistakes & wrong doings & that everything was my fault…he keeps saying he wants space & maybe in the future we can be friends, but he doesn’t want to see me for a long time.. I know him so well that he doesn’t mean this bc he still knows I care about him & love him so much that he knows I’m always going to be there.. He says though that he doesn’t wanna keep my hopes up.. I honestly believe that he never means what he says bc he changed his mind & feelings a lot. One time when we had a break, he told me he didn’t want to see me or hear from me for 3 months.. & that break only lasted a week & during that week we still had talked.. So I know he doesn’t mean some of the stuff he says. I keep asking to get lunch or dinner or something with him just to meet up as friends & talk face to face with him but he keeps saying he’s not ready & doesn’t wanna see me the rest of this year… I have the urge to see him though before this year is over & start fresh with him, so he can see that I’ve changed & maybe get back with me. But I feel like the main reason why he doesn’t want to get back with me right away or see me right away is bc his friends & family are telling him not too & to move on from me, which he says to me I should move on & see other guys. Now I KNOW he doesn’t mean that bc in our relationship he was so worried that another guy could swoop me off my feet & I won’t love him anymore. I know him so well that he doesn’t mean all of that. I just want to know with my situation, how can I fix this? How can I get him to not be so angry with me still & have him think that I’ve changed in a good way & give me another chance to prove to him that I won’t be so possessive as I was before? I was so worried to lose him & I just really don’t want to move on. I’ve already have been talking to so many guys to try & get my mind off of him & have been trying to do other stuff to distract me & Nothing seems to work… I don’t like any of the guys I’ve met.. & I know he’s on tinder, looking up girls & trying to see what else is out there. I’m the opposite, I don’t want to see what else is out there. I know I’m still young bc I’m only 21 & he’s 24, but after all the guys I’ve been with in the past & guys I’ve scoped out before, none of them have as much common & strong connection thn I have with him. & he’s told me the same in our relationship & used to tell me I’m the perfect girl for him & no girl compares to me to him & that he wants to marry me..not to mention recently I had an abortion..there’s just so much I have with him that I don’t want to lose. We’ve traveled, I’ve helped him with so much & he’s done the same for me & what sucks is that when we’re were around his friends & family, they only would see us argue or get annoyed at each other, so they don’t see the good in our relationship that we’ve had on so many days when it was just him & I spending time together. So all his friends, family, & coworkers despise me now bc of what he’s told them.. Is there any possible way I can rebuild that trust & friendship again with everyone? I’ve told him so many times already that I will do anything like apologize to all of them for witnessing our bad situation & to please forgive me, but he’s told me not to…Ok well I’m lost with my emotions & don’t feel like myself everyday since him & I broke up. I really do feel like he is the one & I don’t wanna give up on him. In the past when we would get in little arguments, he would say that he’s glad I didn’t give up on him. I just hope this time isn’t different. I don’t want to move on, I can’t picture him nt I’m my life anymore. I don’t know how to connect with his friends & family again, so they don’t hate me. I still love & care about him & he knows that but is putting up a front like he doesn’t care when I know he does like if something bad were to happen to me, I know he’d have those feelings back for me & miss me, I think. Please help me of what I should do in my situation. I am lost with everything & trying to work on myself so I can be better for him. I’ve told him that too that I promise to work on myself & be in a better state of mind & not some crazy person that he’s scared of me stalking him out or something. I still have really strong feelings for him after all of the cruel things he’s said & done to me already, I still just wanna be back together with him & prove to everyone, we are stronger now & won’t ever break up again.. What should I do right now though to get him back?
Emma
December 10, 2014 at 9:40 pm
hi, my boyfriend broke up with me on sunday because of my constant mood swings and picking fights due to having the implant. we were together for 9 months but friends for 3 years before. he text me the next day and said that he he was sorry for hurting me and that he would miss me and still wants to be friends? does this mean i can win him back if he can see i am trying to change and give him space? his sisters boyfriend is my manager at work, i work with two of his friends girlfriends that ive become close friends with and i work with a few of his sisters friends, will this work to my advantage? do you think NC is the best solution?
admin
December 15, 2014 at 5:14 am
I think it is best in this situation yes.
Hannah
December 10, 2014 at 3:56 pm
Hi there. Mine was 4 1/2 on and off again relationship. The difference this time is he wanted to see what else is out there by trying online dating which he had tried previously during one of the off times. There was always contact during the off times even though he was trying to date. That of course didn’t last long once he saw what was out there. The grass is not greener on the other side.
This time, things got heated when I pressed if he was interested in anyone on the online. He said it was none of my business as I went into panic and desperation mode. Since then, I have not contacted him. I forwarded an email to him from an employer with no comment in the subject line. I then changed the contact info from the employer which he would have received notication about. The very next day, I receive a text stating that he is in a relationship. I replied with ‘ok thanks for letting me know’. Basic and to the point with no emotion. Interestingly, the very next day, he took his new gf to my daughter’s work. I know he’s trying to get a reaction from me but I’m not taking the bait.
So it’s only been a few days since he notified me of his new relationship. Of note, we’ve only been apart for a few weeks so yes it’s a rebound relationship. He’s trying to prove to me that he could find someone. Interestingly, this woman is completely the opposite of me. Pardon my expression, but she looks like escort so I don’t believe there is much longevity to that relationship. I won’t contact him but it’s really hard as we have always been in contact for the last 4 1/2 years even during our off times. Any advice is appreciated.
admin
December 15, 2014 at 5:01 am
She looks like an escort… What gives you this impression?
Describe the escort look to me?
Has he ever been into that?
Melanie
December 9, 2014 at 4:26 pm
Hey Chris,
Your opinion please if you don’t mind.
I met a really great guy in September. We were set up by our best friends and it was a great match! A little bit of background info…6 months prior his 10 year marriage ended (she left him) and he said he was ready to meet someone else! Something in the back of my mind say ya right! But here we go anyway! Amazing is the only way to describe our 2 months of “no commitment/labeling” relationship. We talked or seen each other everyday, had a lot of things in common. He met my people, I met his! I really can’t say anything bad happened between us to give me a heads up other than in his life he is going thru a separation and Christmas is creeping up! We have been facing these issues together and working thru them but a week ago he told me he needed time to think because he was feeling overwhelmed by everything. Assured me it wasn’t anything to do with us and cried because he was so sad about the thought of not texting saying good morning to me the next day! It was a shocker, gotta say! So it’s been 10 days no contact and I’m hurting big time! I read your “What is he thinking while NC but non of the scenarios really fit the “I need time to think because my life is upside down right now”. What’s your take on all this?
Kat
December 23, 2014 at 7:21 pm
OMG Melanie this is the exact as me! I started dating in sept, he split up from his wife 3 months prior, a bit of a messy one, they have kids and she melts his head! Anyway wednesday there he tells me his head is messed up and needs to be on his own to sort his life out and decide what he wants and can’t do this with me as he uses me to hide from his issues and im an escapism, when he is with me everything is perfect but then the goes back to his life and all the rubbush hits him up the face!!
Im on day 1 of NC and it’s so hard as we had been texting and in contact since wednesday and easily slipping into our friendly chat, it’s hard cos we haven’t fallen out. It’s nice to know other people are in the same boat.
M. Spacey
December 11, 2014 at 4:38 am
Sounds like my ex who happened to break up with me in September, lol. Has been back & forth with wanting me & deciding not to be. I’ve made myself too available. Needless to say he always contacts me. I always cave & hope to get back together. This last time he claimed to potentially want to get back together, he ended up making a huge life decision instead. I had already decided if he didn’t choose me & make real effort I was walking. So I did. And I haven’t reached out to him. (Which is really hard) he however has contacted me for silly things. Normally I would take the bait & initiate convo. I did respond to the questions but that was it. I’m curious to see where it goes, if anywhere.
Point being , (sorry got sidetracked) your situation sounded a LOT like my ex. Ended marriage, confused, “needs time” “overwhelmed”, shut down/hides etc. made my heart race reading this bc it sounds so familiar. I actually thought OMG imagine it was him? lol sorry. Good luck to you!!
admin
December 10, 2014 at 3:18 pm
I say do NC on him…
This is not acceptable behavior by him. He should communicate instead of hide.
Thats my two cents.
Melanie
December 10, 2014 at 5:33 pm
Thanks! I’m on day 11 and feel I owe it to myself not to cave and contact him!
amie
December 8, 2014 at 10:09 pm
Hi Chris. I LOVE YOUR WORK, THANK YOU! Quick question: I am on day 21 of NC. The last 2 weekends in a row my ex has liked a pic on my Instagram (one pic was 4 months old, the other was the most recent picture). Other than that, he hasn’t been in touch. What does this mean?? (We dated for 8 months, he took me on vacation, I met his entire family, etc. We’re both 38 years old. It was an amicable breakup, he literally cried but said he “wasn’t happy.”)
admin
December 9, 2014 at 1:24 pm
It means he is thinking about you and probably spying on you to figure out why you aren’t contacting him like he is probably used to girls doing to him.
amie
December 9, 2014 at 6:35 pm
THANK YOU SO MUCH for responding, I really appreciate it. Your eBook and website are phenomenal, so insightful and helpful (and calming, gives me hope and confidence in reconciliation.)
Big question for you: my ex knows I will noticed he liked my pictures, do you think he’s expecting a response from me?? He needs to call or at least text me 🙁
Today is day 22 of NC. What articles of yours should I read to draft the right texts (from me) to him after NC is over? Should I wait until after the holidays to reach out? I really want to see him to be calm, easygoing and confident; I want to look him in the eyes…
Lastly, do you do personal coaching?
Thanks again Chris. You’re a godsend.
admin
December 10, 2014 at 3:24 pm
Probably expecting a response from you.
I don’t do personal coaching but I may in the future.
amie
December 9, 2014 at 7:00 pm
also, would it be a bad idea if I blocked him from my Instagram? is that harsh?? our breakup wasn’t dramatic or mean spirited, we are amicable and I know if I called him right now he would pick up… I just feel like if he wants to know what I’m up to, he should call or text instead of creep on my social media.
Joy
December 8, 2014 at 9:49 pm
FFirst of all please forgive me for my English, I am a French woman.
I read a lot of your articles and I have a question for you.
My ex boyfriend (25y) broke up with me (22y) twice. The first time I immediately accepted his choice and started the NC rule . After a week, he came to invite me to dinner ; a week after we were together again.
But it was not the same, he was distant. And we have not been able to give us time to see each other.
Is broken again . Since I’m in NC rule , the 6th day. I already feel stronger.
I add that I have done anything to make her pity. I accept the breakup and I cut the bridges, no contacts.
My question is: is that the NC rule may work again a second time in the reconquest of the same man ?
Thank you, in advance 🙂
admin
December 9, 2014 at 1:25 pm
It can definitely work again!
Stay disciplined with it though.
J
December 8, 2014 at 3:42 pm
Hi, Chris
It’s been 3 month no contact since the break up. My long distance ex left me for his work mate. He hasn’t initiate contact yet. I still miss him like hell and want him back. Should I contact him? Has he lost feeling for me completely?
admin
December 9, 2014 at 1:13 pm
I think its ok for you to contact him at this point.
J
January 2, 2015 at 10:05 am
So I finally contacted him through a text after NC of 4 months.
I sent him at midnight. And he replied the next day after work. The time he replied I can only guess it’s because of his gf( his coworker). The conversation went pretty good. He was very attentive and responsive, asking how I am and my work and everything, like he is very interested. He told me he will get a China work visa soon which reminded me of our plan of a trip to China before the breakup. I flirted and teased and he laughed a few times. As you told, I followed your advice and ended the conversation first, saying I am going to watch a movie.
I am happy he replied but I don’t know what to do next. How often should I text him? Before I know well what’s in his mind whether he wants me back, should I be careful about showing my intention? If I texted me like 2 times a week, would that be too much?
Sandra
December 7, 2014 at 11:42 am
Hi chris. Thanks for this great page. This page has really helped me a lot. Me and my ex broke up 7 months ago. It feels so weird and the time had passed so fast. But our breakup was a rash decision, we still loved eachother but he just showed anger hatred etc. Now a month ago he told me that he loved me even though he said all the terrible things. I was like a door mat after the break up, I did everything for him and lost all self respect. Well there is so much to tell but I can’t summarize it. He has cried in front of me like a month ago. He regretted all the things he had done and said that he realised everything too late etc… Well back to my question. He kissed a girl in front of my eyes at a disco three months ago, that was when i totally stopped caring about him, at least tried. Everything changed and i decided to move on. He was drunk when that happened in front of my eyes and says he did’nt knew that I was there. Then he got desperate , started contacting me in very many shapes, i blocked him everywere. He started contacting my friends to get to me and that was when i meet him and he told me everything, how bad he felt. I cried in front of me.
Now. I wanted to give him a chance, but i have already done it do many Times, but it did’nt went well. He was mad at me because he saw that I liked pictures on instagrm of boys and somebody had seen me and a boy on a date, i met a boy and took a coffe after the thing that happened on the disco when my ex kissed a girl, I tried to move on. He got so mad and Called me horrible things! He blocked and deleted me everywere. I told him that i liked him and wanted everything to work and sent him long texts. He said that he is going to Change number and that I am not going to get his new number ever. Then the weekende came. And he made out with a girl. And kissed another. I know both of these girls well. Well, directly the day after he unblocked me on Facebook. Then unblocked on instagram (i Don’t follow him). Then this whole week he has been sending requestes on instagram, he wants ti follow me, i have just ignorera the reaquestes or clicked “no”. But he keeps sending them. No the question. Why does he send them? Does the think of me, misses me? Regrets? What should I do? Do u think he Will write to me? Im so confused. I thought he forgot about me but it can’t be like that because the whole week he has despretaly tried to follow me.
This got long but i really hope you can help me and give me a answer
admin
December 8, 2014 at 12:48 pm
Probably misses you and hates that hes not in control.
Sandra
December 10, 2014 at 7:52 pm
Actually chris I think that I am strong and better of without him. But I really miss him and think about him a lot. Have’nt heard anything from him since last week when he tried to follow me everywhere.. Do u think he has moved on? I know that I am probaby going to see him tomorrov at a disco, how should I act? Right now I am so overthinking everything…
admin
December 15, 2014 at 5:07 am
Just be super positive and bubbly.
Sandra
December 15, 2014 at 11:19 pm
I was at the disco and there wasn’t Any problem at all. I had fun even though he was there. We said hello in the begging and later our eyes met and we looked sadly straight in eachothers eyes for like 10 seconds. I also catched him looking at me very many Times as I was daning. Then chris. Before the disco he had called my beat friend and told her “Tell Sandra to not push me or anything. She can do whatever she wants with other guys I Don’t care but Tell her to not push me I really Don’t won’t that.” Then he hang up. Why did he even Called her? This must mean he is thinking about me and the week before that he tried to follow me on instagrm all the time as I said. The day after the disco he sent me a requestes again and this time I accepted it. So right now he is following me. I talked to his best friend today and he told me that he things that he is moving on and that he has told him “I have sent Sandra a request on instagram because we Don’t have ti fight anymore and we can still be friends” something like that. He also unblocked me on Facebook today and also his friend told me that my ex has met som new girls and been to some parties…
I feel so terrible right now.. My stomach hurts and I am afraid he has moved on and totally forgot about me… But why would he call my friend before the disco, sent over 10 following requestes and get so mad three weeks ago because someone told me They have seen me taking a coffe with a boy. He said awful things and bursted out of anger and Also beacuse I had liked some pictures why would he get so mad if he did’nt loved me. Also he cried in fritt of my eyes telling my how sorry he is and asked for my forgiveness and also telling be that eventhough he had said he hated me, I was the best girl he knoews… Now seriously what does this all mean?
Sandra
December 20, 2014 at 9:08 am
He liked my picture that I posted on my instagram also yesterday.. I Don’t think he would like that for no reason and we have’nt talked for Almost 30 days… I really miss him right now..
I hope he Will write to me or something but I domt know if he has moved on..
Sandra
December 23, 2014 at 9:55 am
So I have done the no contact for almost 30 days now and He has’nt written to me.. But still he has sended all the requestes, contacted my friend (because he wanted her to tell me to not push him on the disco) and he has liked my pivriges and kept blockning and unblocking me… Does this mean that he has contacted me? What should I do, should I keep going the no contact?.. It feels like he is moving on, do you think he still isnt over me from what you have read??
Please answer this and thanks for the great side, u really help very many Woman so much.
Sandra
December 27, 2014 at 9:35 am
Chris?
admin
December 29, 2014 at 2:40 pm
Yes Sandra?
Sandra
January 16, 2015 at 8:27 pm
Met him on new years we were at the same party. He was a real douche and told me horrible stuff. We both had a bit alcohol in our blood. Anyway just wanna forget all that. But he told me stuff like “I don’t miss you, there is nothing about you to miss! You dont deserve me at all” Etc. I wasn’t mean at all but he kept telling me those things and I got so hurt. He was all over some girls and I saw it all.. After all of that he wrote to me one day after and still he was mean. Then the next day he messeaged me again and “wanted to red out som things” I was so hurt and didnt even answer hin. later I answered and I kinf of regret it. He told me he wasn’t missing me and lied that he had a new girlfriend and that she was a good girl.. then he told me it was a lie and he just wanted to see if Iwould be happy for him. I have heard that he has had sex with someone also. And he kissed my previous best friend 3 weeks earlier. I was not in contact with him for the whole december but he sendet be friend requests on instagram and blocked and unblocked me. Aftes he was a douche after new years he sended me requestes again! I didnt let him follow me. Now we have’nt been in contact and I am moving on because I dont deserve this anymore.. But I just saw that he unblockad me on facebook. Why is he doing all those things and calling me such ugly things. why ? I hate this.
kate
November 28, 2014 at 11:08 pm
Hi Just came out of a 14 year marriage and in process of divorce, I started seeing someone after 6 months then finished it after 3 months because I was thinking he has issues felt like he had his feet under the tabke and didnt need to try for me anymore. Now I believe they were my issues and have just started counselling to get me over this divorce. I was thinking he wasn’t interest in me anymore tbh. Anyway I can not get this person out of me head and we work for the same branch so hard not to be in contact. When I finished with him I just said I needed to get the divorce finished and concentrate on my kids and remain friends, but still can not get him out of my head. I don’t understand why he moved on in matter of minuets to someone else but I guess thats men. I had been told previously he jump straight into one to another relationship I just think he doesn’t like being on him own. Anyway I do speak with him about life etc he said he fancy me so much etc etc, afterward messages saying he misses us but i’m not sure as he is with someone else. Because I have been left by my husband for another women I though this person was maybe seeing someone, but he said he had heard this but swear this had not happened but maybe this was my issues. Why can I not get him out of my head? do I want him back? Not sure I miss how well we actually got on so well that I crave this side back or is it more that I want please help as I need to move forward. Kate
admin
December 1, 2014 at 3:25 pm
Well, he is probably intimidated by the divorce and the fact that you still haven’t finalized it. He may be scared that you still love your husband or ex husband.
Kai
November 21, 2014 at 2:38 am
Hi. My name is Kai (yes like the person in your ‘case study’thing.) I am eighteen years old and my boyfriend of four years just broke up with me. We recently had a lot of trouble because I got pregnant and we decided together that it would be best if I had an abortion. Everything started to go downhill around then and now it’s exam time. He has eleven school exams, his parents are also extremely controlling and kind of evil and he’s been put under a lot of pressure so when he told me that he couldn’t handle a commitment any more I kind of understood. I offered that we could have a break but he doesn’t believe that there’s anything left for us. I know I’m only eighteen but I could really use your help. You probably won’t get my message so I won’t get my hopes up but I didn’t realise the ’30 day rule’thing and I’d sent him a lot of emails but now I’m going to completely stop. Could you give me some advice? Could he just be really stressed and I need to be more understanding and he might come back because that might just me being stupid and optimistic. I really want him back and I’m willing to do pretty much anything. It sounds stupid and maybe this is just one of the many heartbreaks I’ll have in my life but we’ve been together for a really long time and we love each other. So could you please get back to me if you see this?
Thanks,
Kai.
admin
November 24, 2014 at 4:05 pm
Hi Kai!!!!
How old is your boyfriend?
Also, just start the 30 day rule right now.
Kai
December 17, 2014 at 3:08 am
gosh I’m sorry I didn’t reply to this one because I had decided to do my own thing. Could you reply to my new message instead? It has a lot more info on the situation.
lilone
November 17, 2014 at 4:55 pm
So I wrote a couple of months ago. In short, broke up with my boyfriend of six months almost three months ago … do i sound crazy writing now?
Anyway, mutual break up, he wanted to stay friends I said for him to go work away and give me a call when he returns and outlined that I couldn’t go from intimate to friend straight away.
He contacted a week after I said this, by text, no questions so I did not reply. Deleted me from skype and then a few days later sent me an email asking if I was ok, I replied by simply saying that I was and that I hoped that he was too. He replied telling me a lot about his life, and then telling me that he was ‘missing things’ and that he was going to be home for one week and then away again for November, I didn’t reply … it felt weak and lose and I’m mindful that I am often told by him to not read into things, and there were no questions, I therefore did not reply. I got a Happy Birthday message a few days later and replied with a thank you. Nothing for a bit …and then he changed his profile picture and uploaded things on FB during the few days/ week that he was local (I am actually unsure if he came home to the North / was in the South during this time) Annnyway … five FB posts, which is a lot for someone who does not use it often AT ALL. I updated my profile picture … he liked it, he then put some pictues on of meuseums in Paris … my dream is to visit them!! I then did that five pictures that you like thing … another like … this was last week. He is due back in about 10-12 days … what on earth is going on in his head? Or is it all in mine? I miss him and want to know if he feels the same … but come on …. he needs to step up right? I deserve a lil more than a few likes?? 🙂
lilone
November 24, 2014 at 4:10 pm
Chris? Please can you let me know your thoughts? 🙂
admin
November 25, 2014 at 2:40 pm
Sorry, I lost a bit of context here. Mind giving me a quick refresher?
lilone
December 1, 2014 at 10:07 am
K there has been some developments too.
Broke up with my ex after 6 months together, he was presenting as not committing and I was getting confused by this. We eneded it, his decison but I agreed. He went to work away and ha been in contact once before he went to (I was in no contact so didn’t reply) once after no contact, checking in that I was ok, I replied saying that I was and he replied telling me that he was ‘missing things’ I did not reply being unclear what ‘things’ he meant, and then a number of likes on FB. None of which I responded to. (He isn’t generally a FB user, but he posted and liked things reguarly)
He arrived home Friday, and contacted me on Saturday afternoon, saying that he has been thinking about me and wanted to know how I was. I replied on Sunday evening sharing that I was ‘good’. He has indicated that he is worried that he has messed up our friendship. I have said for him not to worry … and that we are ‘ok’. I ended the texts after a few messages … as I was unsure if he was just being friendly or if he wants to start things up again. He accepted this and to be honest I feel that there on reflection is more to come, but am mindful that this maybe more because it’s what I want than what is available … opinion please 🙂
lilone
December 3, 2014 at 9:25 am
Chris?
admin
December 3, 2014 at 3:44 pm
Lilone?
lilone
December 3, 2014 at 4:02 pm
Any advice?
Sahiba
November 16, 2014 at 5:44 pm
Hi Chris
I hope you’re well and congrats on the wedding!
I really need some help.
My boyfriend of 5.5 months broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Our relationship was fantastic and I had met his parents and everything was going great. Out of the blue he started crying and saying he can’t give me what I need. Things like longevity etc. He said he loves me but can’t do it and ran out of my house!
Then I chased him. I know I shouldn’t have but I called him the next day and we met and he had suddenly gone cold and said that it was issues with my lifestyle (smoking & weight) that he had problems with. So I said I will change them. But more arguments later and many more “lets make this work” conversations later we blew up into another argument a few days ago. He said he’s made up his mind and that he can’t see himself with me etc. And then said can we please talk normally for a few days and not discuss this.
I agreed and the first day he called and we spoke about normal stuff. Then the next day I called him and after a few minutes he said once again that he can’t be with me. So I asked the real reason and he said it was a commitment issue. I argued a lot with him and tried to change his mind. He said he would like to be friends. So I said fine meet me tomorrow then and he said it is too soon but maybe in the future we could hang out.
This happened 5 days ago and neither of us have contacted each other.
I think because I was so pushy he went from “It would be a mistake to cut you out of my life” to “Its up to you whether you want me in your life” So I left this with a very bad taste in both our mouths but I still want him back.
I have just bought your book. I have been in NC for 5 days. I fear he will never want me back and is already moving on! Do you think this can be salvaged?
Please help!
Best
Sahiba
Sahiba
November 16, 2014 at 5:46 pm
Also, about 3 months ago, he did have a bit of a scare that things were moving too fast. I told him fine he could go, but then he changed his mind within the hour.
And now this!
Please help Chris!
How do you turn around a commitment phobe?
S
November 20, 2014 at 6:43 pm
I am now on day 9 of NC
Still quite shaky but have quit smoking (2 weeks ago) and have started going to the gym.
He knows of these changes but he still doesn’t “see” himself with me in 10 years.
What shall I do Chris? I am losing hope.
admin
November 24, 2014 at 3:52 pm
Good for you.
I hate smoking so good for you for making that change.
Just keep it up. It’s not an overnight process.
S
November 25, 2014 at 9:23 pm
Hi Chris
Thanks so much for replying!
I feel as if he is very stubborn and won’t go back on his word. Also looks like he has a bit of a commitment issue.
I am afraid during NC he will move on from me and this whole being friends thing is just sugar coating everything. I also feel he will try to delete me again or block me even if I don’t say a word.
I look and feel a lot better now – 3 weeks since no smoking and I’ve lost 8kgs.
Do you think he even cares? Any advise from you would be great!
S
PS Sorry for gnatting your site!
admin
November 26, 2014 at 3:04 pm
Definitely think he cares. I just think he is so stubborn at this point that it feels like he doesn’t but he does.
S
December 1, 2014 at 2:35 am
Hi Chris
I have another question for you – when I last spoke to my ex over text it was because he had deleted me off Facebook after saying we’ll be friends and then I blew his phone up. He said he does want to be friends and deleting me was a mistake and he would have re-added me anyway. Then I bought up some relationship stuff to which he said I was being intense. Then he asked for space.
So, will the no contact work even though he asked for the space? Do you think I should text him after the 30 days are over? I am on day 10 now and I have heard nothing from him. At the same time I am trying hard improving myself both physically and mentally. I am also going on holiday in 2 weeks and my NC ends while I am away.
Any thoughts?
S
November 20, 2014 at 11:36 pm
Right so, day 9 of NC and I broke it.
I noticed on his Facebook profile he had put up a song about loneliness and being alone again etc.
I also added a male friend (not sure if this had anything to do with it)
Then suddenly he deletes me!
So instead of not reacting I did react and became a text and call gnat. I am kicking myself right now by the way.
We managed to speak via text for a bit where again he was like I am not ready to speak yet and sorry for deleting you it was stupid and I would have re-added you anyway.
Then I think I came on too strong with some relationship questions and he told me I was being too intense multiple times.
It ended with me saying just that I miss him and that he can have his space and that it would be nice to talk at some point about normal stuff.
I know I have to go back into NC but Chris, have I completely ruined my chances of getting him back?
Have I further frightened him and made myself look unattractive?
Would appreciate some advise!
Cheers!
admin
November 24, 2014 at 4:02 pm
No you haven’t but you have made the process a bit more challenging though.
JESSICA
November 4, 2014 at 9:37 pm
Chris,
I am so sorry about posting twice. I thought the one I posted yesterday, did not go through until I just recently seen it. My apologies and once again. Thank you 🙂
admin
November 20, 2014 at 3:09 pm
No problem, I was actually on my honeymoon ( I just got married and am seeing it for the first time now.)
JESSICA
November 4, 2014 at 9:33 pm
Chris,
My fiancé left me Sunday 10/26/2014 for another woman. We have known each other for 13 years. When I was in high school we dated for 4 1/2 years and then broke up. We were sepeated for over three years and then got back together. We were together for another six years, and supposed to be getting married this upcoming May 2015. I found out he had been cheating on me for five months. When I found out he was cheating we argued and his phone broke. He also told me he wanted to be with this other girl and that she understood him more than I did. She works with him. He said he loves her. I however do not believe this. I am the only woman he has ever been with, and I feel the idea of him being married scared him and made him feel as if he was going to lose his freedom, there for he acted out. I believe whatever he feels for this woman is more lust that love. Only he really knows his true feelings, but this is just my opinion His phone was on my account so if he did go get another phone he had to get it on another account, with a new number. I gave him his ring and the keys to his house back, and I left that Sunday. It has been 9 days and he has not tried to contact me. I feel really bad right now as if he doesn’t care about any of the love we had and shared together for all those years. I have not tried to reach out to him in anyway, we both deleted our Facebook accounts. I spoke to his brother who told me that he seems happy and that he is no mooping around. Why do you think he has not contacted me to even see if I am ok? I know I am wrong to want him back, but I love him and I miss him, and I know this is not the man that I love. Something happened to change him or to make him act out. I personally can’t say anything I did forced or pushed him to do this to me. Will the no contact rule work for me, even if I have no way to contact him. I have been a good woman to him, as far as my opinion goes. I supported him, I was there for him, I tired my best to be the best woman I could be, and he took it all for granted. Do you think he will be back, or contact me. I am not sure if he is or isn’t with this other woman, and if so how long before he realizes the Grass isn’t always greener on the other side? I really appreciate your time and advice.
Thank you,
Jessica
admin
November 20, 2014 at 3:08 pm
That is horrible… I am sorry.
Have you used the NC on him yet?