The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Emily

February 24, 2015 at 11:20 pm

Hi,

My boyfriend and I broke up last night. He says he’s unsure of what he wants but he still wants to talk and hang out together (assuming at his convenience). I gathered my belongings, we talked a little (through my tears) and then I left. However, I forgot a couple of things at his house. Today, I text him about it and he said it’s fine if I get them. I told him I would swing by next week to collect them. Should I instead just wait to get my stuff, start NC, and see what happens? Or collect my things then start NC?

-Thanks you!

admin

February 25, 2015 at 9:25 pm

Definitely start the no contact rule.

Hannah

February 23, 2015 at 8:45 am

Hi Chris, Hannah here again
So we didn’t have lectures for a few days and I started my NC and said come what may, I won’t talk to him in uni. Yesterday, in uni, he came up to me and said hi. When I didn’t reply he kept asking what’s wrong? Why aren’t you talking? Is it because I didn’t text you the past couple days? He cornered me and I had to cave in. After lecture, he forced me to go out and eat with him.

I don’t know if I should do NC or not, or what form of NC, or should I just reply late or forget everything and text like normal friends.

Do you think he still wants me?

Any help will be much appreciated. Thanks in advance

admin

February 23, 2015 at 9:43 pm

DO IT!

Do just a regular NC.
Hannah

February 27, 2015 at 5:28 am

Hi Chris, a few days ago, my hormones were going crazy and i couldn’t hold back my tears even in uni. He asked me what was wrong… I kept dodging him. He said he would do anything to make me stop crying after a lot of resistance, I finally blurted out that there actually was something he could do. And that was to stay away from me. He said sorry, that’s not possible…but after that day he stopped sitting next to me and avoided talking to me. I did the wrong thing, didn’t I? I should’ve waited for him to get the hint that I’m ignoring him, right? My act completely beats the purpose of NC right? But I finally am not getting any mixed signals.
I cry for atleast 2 hours everyday… At this point, I’m willing to bargain anything to get back together.

Julia

February 22, 2015 at 12:35 pm

Hi Chris!
I’ve got a huge problem out here. My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago and since then I’m doing NC, but not possible to follow at all because we go to the same school and see each other in the hallways. To begin with, I have to say that I don’t even know why be broke up, cause while we were talking I felt like I was talking to two different people with two different attitudes. His friend told me, that he had confess that he’s worried about how things will end up after high school, because he knows that our paths will separate inevitably and he has to learn pretty much cause he wants to study medicine. Also, he has these kind of pushy parents that push you to learn no matter what because “knowledge and learning is everything”. Back to the point, after the break up he wrote to his friend that he’s pretty sure that I cared about him and he didn’t deserve me, and he also has to rethink everything once again and he doesn’t want to talk about it. At school he passes by without saying halo, but I can see him staring at me. He told his mates in the class, when they asked him about our relationship, that we’re not together any more and his doesn’t want to talk about it. Funny thing is, that everyone in his class thinks that I LEFT HIM, which is not true. Anyway, I avoid him at school, try not to walk on the same hallway and don’t talk to his friends. What else should I do?
Please help, I really care about him.

Julia
Madelyn

February 22, 2015 at 10:20 am

My boyfriend broke up with me more than a year ago but now he’s always texting me and complimenting me. I don’t want him back after what he’s done to me after the breakup (spread rumours etc.) so should I follow the nc rule or do something else? Thankyou

admin

February 22, 2015 at 5:31 pm

Follow NC definitely.

faye

February 21, 2015 at 9:28 pm

What if I don’t hear anything after the 30 day no contact rule, what then?

admin

February 22, 2015 at 5:16 pm

YOU be the one to reach out after NC.

Dean

February 21, 2015 at 8:00 pm

Hi there. I was wondering if I could get some advice. My ex of a year and a half left me two weeks ago.

I am at University, started dating someone from my halls and we all ended up living together from my halls in the same house. So our relationship had been very intense from the off.

Before Christmas of last year, we had some big arguments where I was a little nasty, took things too far, said some stupid things. One of them was when I saw her very closely hugging a guy from work (he had a gf, it was harmless, I over reacted). But basically she got very upset because of me. She had always felt like I never trusted her.

After the Christmas break, she sat down with me and said she wanted to see what Uni life was like without me. I agreed and said she could do what she wanted but I wanted to carry on. We spoke about the arguments and things like that. She changed her mind instantly and we stayed together. At the same time, another guy from her work started sniffing around. I saw him flash up on her facebook, looked at the convo and it was very friendly. I wasnt happy, she said she would stop talking to him but I said no, it is her life and things like that, not my place to stop her.

Things were going good for a few weeks, she said she was happy and I was too but at the same time this guy was getting worse. He walked her home after a night out and was doing things like inviting her shopping. She didn’t see the problem, but it hurt me and it flared up arguments occasionally – he was always playing on my mind. I knew they were speaking all the time as well, and i ended up becoming more distant.

Right to the end we shared a bed every night, we were very affectionate and loving, it was lovely. So two weeks ago, we ended up having a petty row about a freezer which descended into me making a stupid “well go talk to him about it then” comment about the guy and things got angry again. Then at the end of that week, I went home on Friday to celebrate my birthday with my family. We dont speak much all weekend. Kissed her goodbye at the door as she went off to a works party. When i return, she tells me she kissed him on Friday night, slept with him on Saturday night and that she was leaving me.

So for the next few days I begged and pleaded. Only for her to say she doesnt love me anymore, she callled me controlling (how? I didnt stop her doing anything?) and manipulative (because i once told her I said something about that guy just to get at her) – again, I just didnt understand. She said she had to “get out” of what we had. In conclusion, I feel like my trust issues had driven her away and left her wanting out – I am beating myself up about it because she really is a wonderful girl, despite what she has done. After these few days I told her not to contact me anymore.

I ended up going back to my family home for the whole week, celebrated my birthday on the 13th Feb (which she had bought me an expensive watch, trips and spent months planning my big 21st) and then of course Valentines, with all our plans out the window and my table deposit lost. So I returned back yesterday, went straight to our house and moved all my stuff out in a hurry and I am now living at a friends. I saw her, it crushed me inside, but she just didnt say anything and walked off. According to our housemates they dont think she realises exactly what shes done. She desperately wanted to speak face to face but I refused and made her text – I couldnt bare to see her and just sit and let her say all these things to me.

It has been no contact since about Feb 11th, so just over a week. Ive sold all my clothes that she bought me or bought with her, got rid of all pictures and stuff, gave away her Valentines presents, moved out (right move?) and after missing a week of uni Im just attempting to get some form of normality. I was having a big birthday party on the 28th at our house alongside one of my housemate. Ive cancelled my side of it but its still going ahead – and all of her work mates, including him, are invited.

I dont know whether I should try and say something before then, anything to get her back. I understand what shes done but Im mostly to blame and I do hold a lot of trust for her – she said she doesnt think she likes this guy (but something is obviously going to continue isn’t it…). My life was so happy and perfect with her and now it has just all fallen apart in a weekend.

Im doing No Contact but it is tearing me up, all im thinking about is how to get her back, im still doing everything I used to but life is just feeling so unenjoyable now. Do I stand much hope in getting her back? Im struggling to see how im going to move on because I could not fault anything between us apart from my own insecurities, and I was punching above my weight anyway, i’ll always be comparing things to how good they were with her – got on amazingly with her family, we went on holiday etc.

should I contact before the party? Do i stand any chance considering how cold and heartless she was in the first place let alone now? She is very stubborn.

admin

February 22, 2015 at 5:15 pm

You should listen to the podcasts. I think they will really help you out in restoring your confidence and giving you hope.

caroline

February 21, 2015 at 9:00 am

Hi chris broke up with ex 3 wks ago been together two years , have been emailing daily n he replys , he said we can b friends but he’s moving on , he doesn’t love me or want relationship with me , I’m heart broken , broke up few months ago did nc for two months he came back contacted me we got back n again after few weeks he said he didn’t want rship n he b moving on n maybe with someone else sexually n didn’t want disrespect me he HSS me blocked on fone Viber n fb only way common nixate by email, I feel I’ve been every day emailing but he doesn’t want me I feel so rejected

admin

February 22, 2015 at 4:49 pm

Your problem may be the fact that you are coming across as desperate since you are emailing him so much.

Hannah

February 18, 2015 at 12:24 pm

Hi chris, so I emailed you and also put up a comment on one of the posts. I’ve noticed that even though you say that you will reply to the comments, you don’t :p
So if you find the time, can you please go through the email and comment from the same email id?
Also, last night my ex, I and 20 other people went drinking last night. He was high and went around telling a bunch of people about your breakup which made me really angry(didn’t show anyone ofcourse). I know he was really looking for consolation because he told one of my friends that he is in the ‘regret phase’. Chris, we are both in the same class, with the same friends and university exams are in 2 months. Do you really think I should do NC as it could potentially break our entire group of friends in University and I won’t be able to study too.
P. S. I need to do NC for 45 days.

Reply please 🙂

admin

February 18, 2015 at 9:58 pm

Well Hannah…

Point taken.

I am sorry I haven’t responded.

Hope you don’t hold it against me.

Maybe you can just do NC on him and not the other friends. Would that be possible?
Hannah

February 19, 2015 at 9:47 am

Hi Chris, i kind of started my NC yesterday except when we had to exchange notes via text. But i had made up my mind that NC has begun and I’ll steer clear off him in campus and in class. But guess what! In Uni, he acts so normal with me… Like nothing ever happened. He came and sat next to me and even held my hand. He doesn’t text me at all and previously when we used to text he gave pretty blah replies. I am so so confused. I think a girl is easier to decipher. Please help 🙁
Hannah

February 18, 2015 at 12:25 pm

Our*

S

February 16, 2015 at 6:10 pm

Hi,
Ok I am trying the NC rule. It’s been about one week now. He called me last week and I never answered or called back. I always answer or call back. He hasn’t contact me since and now I am getting the urge to contact him. I feel like he thinks I have moved on so forget about me. Please I need some advice how to handle this. I really believe in this rule and want to me successful, but right now I am feeling weak like I need to talk to him. Help please!

Anne

February 18, 2015 at 12:03 am

Im in a similar situation. Our instinct is to reach out, afraid they will forget about us and move on, or worse, think we have moved on. However, I think its best to remain NC. For whatever reason he contacted you, further NC will bring HIM some clarity.
S

February 19, 2015 at 12:26 pm

Thank you
admin

February 20, 2015 at 11:20 pm

Your welcome!

LC

February 16, 2015 at 4:33 pm

Hi Chris, I left a comment on another article also but I was wondering.. about NC if there is debt involved. We lived off his credit card the past year as we were in his country and I couldn’t obtain one so we decided to split it halfway and once I started working I would pay him back. We email at the moment on good terms and he is positive with me but also we discuss the money so I feel like if I do the no contact and ignore his emails regarding that he is going to get mad as it looks like im just going to screw him over. What are your thoughts?

Anne

February 18, 2015 at 12:00 am

As he mentioned in his other posts, if you absolutely have to contact him, do so in a nice way and keep it focused on the task. Don’t find excuses to carry on the conversation.

Shara

February 16, 2015 at 7:52 am

Hi Chris,I’m actually on my 10th day of NC, after a month of chasing my ex… Last January on our supposed to be monthsary I greeted him, I did it on a purposed so on our monthsary this February he would be expecting I would to the same and I’ll do the opposite. So I didn’t really greeted him or texted him. What happened is I just saw a post on his timeline saying “Game Over.Try loving again?Yes or NO?”,,, was it a good sign? Did I made him wonder why I did’t greet? Did the NC now having effect on him?
Holly

February 15, 2015 at 7:23 pm

Hey Chris,
It’s currently taking everything in me after 15 days NC not to
Contact my ex. We broke up two weeks ago after he said he was too stressed out. I’ve been beating myself up and racking my brain on what I did to push him away and what I can do to make it better. We only dated 4 months but he took me on vacation, introduced me to his closest friends, etc etc…. However he just got out of a 3.5 year relationship a little less than a year ago and had told me a couple of times that he was still struggling to get over “the situation”. He told me that she would send him pics of her to show how good she was doing without him and it made him sad because he “had so much hope for them”. But he said he would never get back with her for reasons he explained to me. I also saw a note he had written her on his computer where he told her that the pics she was sending were making him crazy and that no matter what she looked like now it wouldn’t change things. She apparently also wanted to fly out here to see him on Christmas…. Which was while we were dating. What kind of conversations were they having where she felt inclined to want to do that? All in all, I have a feeling she has a lot of influence on the reasons we broke up. I’m so angry that he allowed me to fall for him while he had one foot in and one foot still in the past so to say. Is my mind just going crazy or do I have some ground here? Please offer any advice you can before I break NC for crazy reasons! I had a lot of fun with him and he was good to me, but if I’m wrong and there’s a chance here I don’t want to act impulsively and screw it up.

Holly

February 17, 2015 at 4:38 am

I ended up texting him yesterday and said I felt like he never gave us a real chance and that I still cared for him. Of course, no response whatsoever. I woke up this morning feeling like I was punched in the stomach. I’ve never felt so insignificant and discarded. Did he ever really care or was I just some kind of stepping stone in his quest to figure out his feelings for his ex? Please help 🙁
Jane

February 20, 2015 at 8:41 pm

Holly!
Girl… you have to stay strong! Please don’t reach out. That’s what he expects right now so if you give him what he doesn’t expect, I guarantee he will think about you after a while and maybe will reach out. Give yourself time to get comfortable with yourself. I know that breakups are such a confidence killer but you have to make him think that you don’t need him. No guy wants a girl who can’t be happy by herself!

mim

February 15, 2015 at 8:18 am

hi chris
I forgot to mention in my e-mail that we are not officially broke up!that night,we were texting and at the end I said “it’s not necessary to be worry for my health anymore”. he kept asking what Dr said.I smiled and just said goodbye.and stop answering his calls or texts.he texted 2 days after that and…..that’s it!
I wanted to take a break and give him space to realize he did wrong and apparently he accept the whole thing and…left?!!
should I text him or use NC or let him go for good?
anonymous

February 14, 2015 at 9:15 pm

Hi Chris,

I know you are rediculously busy and it is much easier for you to answer questions here but I sent you an email about a week ago using the email I put in to write this comment. I tried to keep it short and sweet since I know you are in high demand! 🙂 I wrote an email because I don’t want friends or possibly even my ex to see this and know it is me. I just received an odd text from him after about a month of no contact and just wanted your opinion since you seem so knowledgeable. So, if you are able to respond at some point I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks for your time and best wishes

P.S. Great site! You are helping lots of people with your honest and real advice, keep up the good work 🙂

admin

February 16, 2015 at 11:28 pm

Thanks!

Did you have a chance to read any articles outside of this one?
anonymous

February 16, 2015 at 11:41 pm

You are welcome!

I did, I have pretty much read every article you have listed under “recent posts.” The only ones I haven’t read are the ones I feel do not apply to me. Other than that, read them all! =)
admin

February 17, 2015 at 12:41 pm

Sweet!

Ya… Recent posts are technically all the posts so I still have some design elements to work out for this site.

Jayne

February 13, 2015 at 2:43 pm

My boyfriend and I broke up 2weeks ago after the longest 3week drawn out breakup after he got majorly depressed! He told me he loved me days before the breakup and went extremely quiet thus causing me to give him an intimation which sadly he didn’t do!
Anyway, I’ve been done NC for nearly a week (I caved a few times and text him) but because we live so far apart and I’ve since found out he’s on dating websites “looking for a relationship” I fear this NC won’t work!
Do I continue the NC and attempt contact at the end or does this relationship sound deader than dead?
LC

February 13, 2015 at 2:39 pm

Hi there, I cant remember if I left a comment the other day as I’ve lost the page but am desperately needing help 🙁

My boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me last week. He said he didnt have enough time for me (but we only see each other every 2 weeks anyway) and that he thought that as we’re coming up to 3 years, as we are only 22 he doesnt want a serious relationship right now and didnt think he could see a future with me. He was crying as he said it, and when i asked whether he still loved me he simply answered ‘thats not the point, I’ve made my decision, its better in the long run”. Friends have also told me he is upset talking about it. Obviously I’m heartbroken – we survived a year apart when he was studying in the USA and I was in england, only seeing each other once in 12 months. We have never fought, never had any problems and are best friends. I havent spoken to him since as I think he needs space, and don’t plan to for a month or so. Is this relationship saveable? 🙁

Angela

February 23, 2015 at 1:03 am

Hey. I just wanted to know how it went for you. How are you guys now? My situation is similar to yours. Except mine has been more than 1 month since the break up. The BEST I can suggest you is to NOT contact him what so ever! He left because he got too much affection from you (since youre saying you never fought.. We didnt fight ever either) My situation is the same. Do not contact. Tell me how it went?

Amy

February 13, 2015 at 12:53 pm

Hi Chris,
I have been browsing several of your posts for a couple hours now, they make sense but I don’t know how to best apply them to my situation.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, we have always been close and openly talked about the potential for a future together. We moved in together in October and everything was great, we were closer than ever. Everything has changed since New Years when we had a massive drunk arguement that got very out of hand very quickly.
I stayed at my parents for 3 days after to cool off and came back we talked and made up and things went back to normal; he said he didn’t care he loves me and wanted to forget about it. We were great for 10days after that but then his brother (who dislikes me) wouldn’t leave the issue alone, told his parents about our fight and worried them, and so since then my boyf has been very weird with me on and off.
He is distant and when I tried to ask what was wrong he broke up with me in a heated outburst and said that it was a mistake to make up so quickly after New Years and that he doesn’t know what he wants, part of him wants to be with me part of him wants to be alone. We were broken up for a week and then through gradually talking we said we would take things slow and that he didn’t want to lose me, things improved for a week or two,.

I tried to say to him could we be more intimate or make time to actually spend together and it set him off again and back into the not knowing what he wants and pushing it all away. It feels like I can’t do anything right.
We live together and have just been asked to renew our lease on the flat, I have deliberately not mentioned anything about the future so to not add pressure to the situation but 2 weeks ago when taking things slow he raised the subject himself and said are we gona stay here or move somewhere else together which obviously gave me hope, but now he is saying he doesn’t think we should renew and should move out.
I am going to stay with my parents for 2 weeks or so to give it space and won’t contact him but I feel like I won’t have long enough to do the 30day NC with him as we have the pressing issue of renewing the lease and I obviously want things to be resolved before that so we don’t lose a lovely home. And as technically we aren’t broken up at the moment I don’t know how I’m supposed to act, we cuddle in bed although I initiate and he kisses me goodbye in the morning but won’t have sex with me and is distant and keeps saying he’s confused. Do you think I’m doing the right thing by going to my parents for a couple weeks and trying NC? Talking doesn’t seem to be working and is making things worse if anything. Thanks Amy x

admin

February 16, 2015 at 10:48 pm

Sweet!

I hooked you for a few hours 🙂 .

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing!

Courtney

February 12, 2015 at 4:15 am

I’d just like your opinion on what you think we should do during no contact on social media websites. My ex continues to follow me on Twitter and Instagram, but I unfollowed him because he has a new girlfriend and he tweets about her and posted a picture of them together a few days ago and it hurt so bad to see it that I unfollowed him on both, should I follow him back so that he knows I still care and want the relationship even though he has somebody new? Or continue no contact and don’t follow him and wait until a month of no contact and reach out to him? Also I’m very active on Twitter and Instagram so since he still follows me should I act very happy and such on both of these accounts so he sees that I am okay without him? I know it’s a silly question but I am honestly very curious what your opinion is. Thank you!

admin

February 16, 2015 at 10:06 pm

Yup, act kind of happy without him on these accounts too.

Confused

February 11, 2015 at 11:18 pm

We split up 2 weeks ago. I initiated a conversation along the lines of commitment and he said he didn’t feel in a postion to give me what I needed as he was still sorting out his own life and that he can’t do a relationship and fix himself at the same time. Next thing i knew were not in a relationship anymore after nearly 2 years. We were best friends and had no arguments and no disrespectful behaviour. Very Very close. Very affectionate a near model couple and so it is very painful and somewhat senseless that we have separated so suddenly. He says he still cares for me and that the break up is hard for him too. He is trying to be my friend but I will not do that as I dont just want to be his friend. How do you maintain no contact if your ex is in your immediate friends group and will most probably be at 80% of the functions you will attend? Do I just not go to the events or try to get the courage to attend but then ignore him (which will be very difficult and uncomfortable)?

admin

February 16, 2015 at 9:57 pm

No, you might have to use limited contact in that case.

Jess

February 11, 2015 at 3:42 pm

Hi,
So my boyfriend and I have been together for a year. He’s coming over to see me tonight to break up with me, in his words he says he hasnt been happy for a while. This is partly my fault as Ive been suffering with low moods due to a bereavement I suffered which i’m yet to grieve. We have had some of the best times, we discussed this on the phone the other day and he agrees but says his recent unhappiness has overshadowed all these great times. I’ve explained that I’m now coming out the other side, ive gained confidence, my moods are better, i have people to confide in to which he then says he cant be with me as he cant support me, even though he knows the support he can give me is enough for me. He also says its not fair for me to be in limbo in our relationship, letting it be on his terms, I am happy to do this if I get to keep him in my life.
I feel so sick waiting for him to arrive. How do I deal with the situation?
I am willing to try NC but fear I will see him in the 30 days, we go to the same gym etc. Would this interfere with the 30 days of nc?
Any advice is most appreciated.

admin

February 16, 2015 at 9:42 pm

Not unless you physically talk to him.

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6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”