The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Leopard

April 28, 2015 at 6:39 am

Hi Chris,

I was in a relationship with my ex for 7 years. We have a child together, which would make it really tricky to apply the NC rule. How can I get the best outcome when in my situation? Keep in mind that the time of relationship we both had was awful. We argued, jealousy, heavy insecurities, and all the bits and crannies that come with it. He recently contacted me with a long message stating that he still loves me. But since I made the choice to break-up with him he feels like he lost me, and what we had. That it has change his life greatly and it is very difficult to forget that. He says that there are no chances of him and I getting back together. But at the same time he is very descriptive as to how much and what of me he misses. Please help me understand
Sarah

April 28, 2015 at 3:31 am

Hi Chris
My husband has left me after 12 years and moved on very quickly, he stated he wanted to be independent and be self supportive, plus has fallen out of love with me. It’s now almost 10 weeks since he initially left, came back then left again. He is not been himself and doesn’t look happy in any photos he or his new girlfriend post. I am not making any contact with him however he texts me at least once a week trying to sort our stuff out. I am no longer replying to him and he is getting quiet angry. Am I talking the right approach using the NC rule?
There is a lot more too our situation (email sent the other day). But am I taking the right approach or should I just cave and respond to his texts?
Erin

April 28, 2015 at 1:26 am

FAIL!!
Me and my ex stayed in contact after break up and he is seeing someone else. Well I told him I needed a break because it hurt when he would go on about his lady. So I was in almost 3 weeks of nc and he never reached out to me but… I failed he was on FB last night and I sent him a message saying hi and a link to a funny video from YouTube and of course he never replied. Should I jump into NC all over? I’m fighting the urge to contact him again asking if he is mad but I don’t want to be one of your GNATS
J.La

April 27, 2015 at 6:11 pm

Dear Chris,
My boyfriend and I have been together now for almost 3 Years. He broke up the relationship 2 days ago. He gave me no real reasons why it wasn’t working out. At the beginning of the relationship He was the man who would cross fires for me. I had finished my nursing degree and right after we decided that I would move to his country. It made more sense for me to give up my whole family …so that I can make my own family with him here in Germany. I had to learn the culture…the language…even find work the first 3 months I have arrived here. So, all was going wonderful. I work 7 hours a day and sometimes 12 days straight and +3 hours of German course each day. I would cook, clean…do all the things that you would do for the person you love. Just recently, my german course is finish…so i have more time for him..more time to spend with him. I realised I was giving more and not even receiving anything ex. Time…love…affection. He has much stress at work, with his master degree and also his family. He often had this panic attacks 4 months ago after I told him he must learn to become more independent from his family. He is only child…and i wanted more a supporting Man. We had a huge fight that night and he took a long drive and without a word or a text he stayed by his parents place for 3 days without contacting me or texting me. He came back the 4th day and when he came in “he seemed” like a different man…the first thing he said was I am sorry and that he loved me. He started being involve in the relationship a bit more and more and I could see that. I saw he was changing until last week…I felt he was cold..stress and I often said to him, “we are in this relationship together…if there is any problem you can speak to me, so that we can work it out”. His problems were….communication. He keeps small fights and arguments with in him without really solving the problems. Often when I ask him…he would often say, I don’t want to talk about it….. I don’t know…. On his birthday, we went with his whole family to a nice restaurant and I felt strange vibes coming from his whole family ….like I was “unwanted” there. The next day we had a date just me and him…we were eating…but he was not speaking…I was there but he was looking past me…I kept asking what’s wrong..why won’t you speak to me? I felt the cold shoulder from him never before. That same day he took a long drive and he came back at 3 am, I was freaking out if i did something wrong…but I did nothing wrong. He came back and he said again… SORRY while looking into my eyes. Later, he turned around and couldnt’ look at me at all…He had said to me He has made a big mistake ….since the last fight he don’t feel like his heart is there anymore after the last fight.. But I don’t understand what went wrong just few days ago he said he loved me. After that day, he has been staying at his parents place..he even took half of his clothes and shoes from our apartment without telling me. He came back without not contacting me for 5 days….I was left there alone thinking what have i done wrong…..and there was NOTHING. He came and broke up the relationship. I ask him, “Do you love me”? I saw it in his eyes…he was tired…he was exhausted….he had a bit of tears in his eyes and he said to me, “I love you but I don’t see my future with you anymore”. The weird part was..after this he still offered to take my brother on vacation with him which was plan few months ago. He wanted still to take my brother on vacation…I don’t see how that makes sense…. I thought it over and over…there was no Reason for breaking up… I think it was the stress coming from his work, his master degree course, his parents and me. I looked at it…..it was easier to eliminate me and withdraw from me then those 3 other options……but how can you leave someone when you know he still loves you Chris? What can I do? What should I do? Please help…… and greetings from Germany.
lisa

April 27, 2015 at 10:50 am

dear chris
sorry for the long story, hope you have some time for me to help me out here! Big thanks!
I met my boyfriend John 3 years ago, i was just coming out from a long term relationship with my ex Steve. I was with Steve who is 4 years younger than me for 6 years and the break up was pretty bad. When I met John, we falling love pretty quickly and intensely. John is divorced and have 3 kids, and he is 13 years older than me. During that period my ex Steve turned up and wanted me to marry him , I was indecisive and most of my friends think marrying steve will be my best option. So after few month relationship I had with john and I got back with STEVE again. But things werent going well with steve at all, I had strong feelings towards JOHN. So I break up with him and got back to John. John wanted me so much so that he was even planing a future for us. I was like a crazy girl jugging between 2 guys for the past year and now I feel like I lost. I am totally over Steve that I know of, But I really want to get back with John. The thing is that John and I are in a long distance relationship, and after he experienced my going back and forth from ex to him, he is pulling back a lot. I felt that most of the love from him is gone, he said to me about not want to get married either. But I am in my late 30s, I want a family and child of my own. Even know i still want to be with John, do you think it is wise? We kind of breaking up now, can I still use the NC rules to get back with him, even make him want to marry?
Ella

April 26, 2015 at 1:43 pm

Hello Chris.

Thank you so much for your insight. I have stumbled upon your website for all the wrong reasons, obviously, and I do feel devastated. My boyfriend was going through a hard time these past 6/8 weeks. His parents got divorced, his dad is very sick, they almost lost their home and he’s almost repeating another year at university. With that being said, this past week also marked a year since he was involved in an accident that killed his best friends. He’s been overwhelmed and over stressed with a lot of things. This past week we were together and I thought everything was fine, until he told me he didn’t love me anymore. That somehow, his feelings vanished these past couple of weeks. That he’d given it a deep thought and couldn’t understand. He said things changed from the beginning (we’ve been dating for almost 11 months). He said I was his rock and he didn’t know where he’d be without me but he saw me more as a friend now. It obviously broke my heart because I’ve never loved or helped someone as much as him. I don’t know if he will never love me again or if he’s just confused.

I have a few problems with the NC rule. The biggest of them all is that in 2 weeks (we’ll have been separated and not talking for 18 days then) , we’ll be going to the same university festival. This festival will last a week and every night we have concerts and parties at the same place. I am a big friend of his friends and I cannot avoid them because that wouldn’t make sense. Also, I’d like to add that we usually drink a bit too much over this period of time, it’s like a big studies break for all of us. With this being said, I do not know what will happen if we’re both drunk. Do I try to ignore him the whole festival and keep the NC rule? Or do I take advantage of him being drunk and talk to him?

Jeez, it’s so hard.

Thanks for your advice in advance. 🙂
Tommy

April 25, 2015 at 9:49 pm

Hello Chris,

I and my Girlfriend are dating almost six months, without any issues. I am 25 years old and she is 20 years old.
she broke me up 2nd april. before brokeup on march 29th, i told her my family problems’ and my job is being laid off and because of stress of the problem, I told her, “i don’t really want to marry”. ofcourse this is not true, it just too much stress and basically i’m fuming it out to her.

after that i am kind of needy and i text her everyday asking for forgiveness… after 2 weeks, she told me to lay off and told me she didn’t love me from the first time and she is only trying for me. I just don’t know what i would do anymore. last week I text her, she answer briefly and ask me about have i found a job?

but these one week. she hasn’t give me any texts.

her birthday due to may 18th. Should i do NC? what do you think of her telling me to lay off and told me she didn’t love me from the first time and she is only trying for me. is it real or just a way to make me stay away from her?

thanks..

Chris Seiter

April 27, 2015 at 10:19 pm

Hi Tommy,

I would like to recommend my other site, Ex Girlfriend Recovery for you.

Annie

April 25, 2015 at 6:10 pm

Hi Chris,
I began the no contact rule last Monday, today I had 6 days no contact and was feeling strong. I’ve been going out with friends more and working out, last night I put some photos on social media of me out with friends, today, he text me. I think because of the photos from last night.
Without even thinking, I text him back, which I know I shouldn’t have, the thing is I’m incapable of ignoring people even when mad at them and I’m not mad at him, our relationship ended not through anger but amicably. Even if it was the last thing either of us wanted.
Here’s my question, should I restart the NC rule tomorrow or can I just continue it from here because we’re so close to the beginning (although I can also see the argument for being too far in) also, should I be using the NC rule here as the relationship ended well?
Thanks

Chris Seiter

April 27, 2015 at 10:14 pm

You should be utilizing NC.

Myia

April 24, 2015 at 10:04 pm

Hey Chris so I’ve on day 11 with the NC thing after my boyfriend broke up with me and he has snapchatted me twice about 3 days after we broke up of random stuff but I didn’t answer. Then just a little while ago he texted me an acted like nothing had happened, I don’t understand.. I didn’t answer but I feel like a total bitch.

Chris Seiter

April 27, 2015 at 9:57 pm

It’s ok, that’s kind of what the NC rule is designed to do.

Jessica

April 24, 2015 at 7:19 pm

Hi Chris

My ex boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me about a month ago. Since then we have not gone more then 2 days without talking. He broke up with me because I lied to him as to my whereabouts one night. We had previous minor issues in the relationship and he just said that was the last straw. I immediately ignored his texts and a day later he contacted me wanting to try again. Well, since then we have been on and off through this breakup. I will admit, I acted needy, desperate, begged, cried, all of the above. He says he still loves me and misses me but just cant trust me right now and hopes the future will work but doesn’t want to give me false hope in case it doesn’t.

He says he wants to be friends, work on trust and build up from there and be open to the possibility. I want to implement the no contact rule however his birthday is next week and we are dealing with a financial obligation that needs to be figured out. We are being very civil and he is a guy that respects people who respect him.

Im so lost in all this now….. I don’t know if I should be trying to do no contact or if I should be jumping to the starting as friends and seeing where it goes….. please help I am very lost and confused =(

Jessica

May 5, 2015 at 7:22 pm

Hi Chris

Yes I did know that if he found out he would potentially break up with me but I did it anyways because I wasn’t thinking about his feelings. As of now we are no longer talking and he says that you never know what could happen in the future. I just wanted a second chance to show him how things could be different. I was so confused because originally he had agreed to that and changed his mind.

He says that we were toxic to each other and we faught too much, Truth is I was trying to get over another relationship when I jumped in with him. By the time I realized how much I loved him, too much damage had been sone (little fights here and there). I hoping he is the one and that in a few months we could reconnect and start from scratch. I just wish I knew if this was even going to be a possibility =(
lesley

May 1, 2015 at 8:14 am

Hi I am in a similar situation where my bf is unhappy I replied to a dudes msgs. its been 2 weeks of me trying to talk to him and him being pissed off. yesterday he said how can I expect him to accept this behavior as he hasn’t text any girl while together. whats the next step?
Chris Seiter

April 27, 2015 at 9:51 pm

When you lied to him where you in a place that you knew was wrong?

Or that you knew he may potentially break up with you for being in?

KatWoman

April 24, 2015 at 5:58 pm

Hello-

My boyfriend and I broke up, a little over 2 weeks ago. It was all rooted to the thought, of 3 months ago, that he believed I didn’t know who he was in my life. He said he forgave me after we talked then, but in secret he was holding on to that in resentment and anger all this time. I met him in December and he moved to another city because of work. He was determined at first to take the relationship forward, so we would see each other almost every weekend. Our relationship became Long Distance, he wanted me to move from here to there be with him and I expressed many times the willingness of taking it farther and began making arrangements to close the gap between us. The first time he got distant he didn’t talked to me for 4 days. After we talked and we were ok. He underwent lots of stress at work and I kept my distance then, so that he didn’t felt pressured. After that seems like he couldn’t let go of the anger. I implemented NC, (during that time, I wrote on a journal, I worked out and prayed) and on Day 8 he texted. I didn’t reply, until 2 days later. We talked and he had missed me and wanted to see me. I met him, we were good, I was showing him that I was looking for work in the city and we began to plan things…. I won’t lie, I began to feel suspicious that he was with others during the break up. That was constantly on my mind… but never told him, I just kept it to myself. We were broken up anyways at the time.

Again, I know in his heart he didn’t truly forgive me. He was still hung up in the resentment from 3 months ago. He blames me for his stress (emotional and financial) and don’t seem to perceive that is his work, (since he earns based on commissions) and his poor money management skills that got him stressed. He got cold with me, barely called and limited contact to WhatsApp messages right before, I had and important job interview set on his city. That day he told me not to go, that he was heartbroken that he didn’t feel anything for me, that he didn’t want me in his life and that I stress him too much and he didn’t love (when 3 days before he told me he did) that I am like a sister now and would never be his girlfriend again, that maybe some day. That day he blocked my number and I re-implemented NC (in which I got hired and began working on Day 11) for a second time. I noticed he unblocked me on Day 10. On day 15, I broke NC and sent him a WhatsApp message, apologizing and talking about what I felt, I also told him that I have missed him and still love him. Wished him the best and closed the message. He replied with “Thanks. Have a good day”.

Yesterday I asked him to forgive me and he ranted a bit about what happened the day of the fight. I only asked for forviness, nothing more. And assured him that was all I wanted. He said again that I stress him, that I’m only like a sister to him and no more, and in his anger he said that it was a mistake he unblock me. Although, he says he forgives me, I could tell he’s still angry which leads me to believe he has never truly forgave me. I didn’t insist anymore and simply said that “I only wanted forgiveness, nothing more” and “thank you”. He replied saying “thanks”, “I hope you doing good”, “have a nice day” and “Ciao” (he’s Italian) and sent an emoji happy face, I replied closing the message.

Today I sent him a text about the good time we have at a restaurant and haven’t sent anything else and have not received any replies, but I know he read it. I will again do the NC and this time I will go full 30 (days). Something in my heart tells me to hold on. I’m a spiritual person so I have prayed on it, gave it thought, time, space and I have prayed for God to give me a sign as to which direction to take in my situation. Before I text him, I felt like something was insistantly telling me to text him, for days I fought it, because I twas rying to commit to and keep up with NC. Maybe that was my sign, and I said what I wanted to say in the text. No matter what happens, I’m ok either way, because my heart had a chance to speak. I still have hope, somehow. I’ve considered to let go completely and forget him and us. I accept God’s will for my relationship, to whatever end. But something in my heart says not to give up, even when I am willing to walk away for good.

But I ask… why he unblock me, if he truly wants nothing with me?

He apparently has not deleted my number, why have me on the back end? What for?
Could he be thinking of a future?

Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 11:12 pm

He unblocked you probably b/c he is curious to see if you will ever reach out to him.

Jessica

April 24, 2015 at 5:30 pm

How does the NC work if his friends and family are super supportive of him after the break up, so that he doesn’t feel that same kind of loneliness? More importantly, what if one of his friends has always REALLY hated you and keeps putting you down, diminishing all of your good qualities with “yeah but she was such a _________ when she _____” and congratulates him for the relationship ending? Does the NC work just as well or does it get diminished by people saying bad things about you to your ex? If it does work just as well… how?

Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 11:09 pm

It can still work.

I don’t think it gets diminished at all.

PHANEE

April 24, 2015 at 10:50 am

Hi Chris, I just broke up with my 3 months boyfriend.. Yes it just 3 months, but is the no contact rule can be applied also?

Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 10:57 pm

It sure can.

chris

April 23, 2015 at 9:20 pm

hey man.
when I was 15 years of age I met the girl of my dreams . we used to stay in together every single day night when possible due to school or what not. we basically done every thing together…… two years went by and we got pregnant… every thing was still fine … I was nearly 18 she was a bit older. we had a baby girl. happiest day of my life was amazing feeling… anyway 3 years went by with a few minor speed bumps.. everything was still ok…. WE got pregnant again :O I’m now 21.. working… we live together. we had a baby boy amazing.. but all the time she is pregnant I notice changes,, she basically cant touch of me. no interest in me what so ever.. we have the new baby it doesn’t change after that. this went on for awhile. I was getting really upset. I started to drift away couldn’t stand the sight of her. it killed me the way she was!!.. I went out with work friends one night after not being out in a very long time as u can imagine (nearly 7 years with the same girl and two baby’s) I got drunk and kissed a girl. I told her no over and over that I’m with someone but she kept pursuing me. ended up kissing. anyway I get home i cant even look at her (girl of my dreams) she doesn’t suspect anything hasn’t a clue… doesn’t even notice a change in me?? wtf… I’m getting so fed up… you have no idea. girls are showing interest in me every where i go.. accept the girl of my dreams.. we are fighting most of the time now………..
The girl who I kissed the night I went out…. made a phone call to her friends phone of my phone and that’s how she got my number she texted me.. i couldn’t believe it… I texted her back straight away saying I’m with a girl for 7 years and i have two baby with her i cant do this I’m really sorry. she totally understood she was totally drunk As well.. the next week was a nightmare i literally couldn’t talk to my girlfriend even touch of her!! we were fighting all the time…. I said i was leaving,,, she changed she begged me to stay she said she could work on her self to improve our life together.. i wasn’t having none of it…….. I LEFT….. few days later i walked past the girl i kissed in work… it was weird my legs nearly went from underneath me.. she didn’t say anything to me….. i still had her number i texted her starting a convo we started chatting a lot…… more and more……. we went on dates… even stayed in hotels. all through this time my now ex was ringing texting basically stalking me, while i was texting and meeting up with the girl i kissed that night i went out…. I even told this girl….(night out girl) that i am still in love with my ex(love of my life).. she didn’t take that too well. lol ..me and this girl(night out girl) went on for about 3 months…i stopped meeting up with the girl i kissed….. just ignored her it just wasn’t the same yano….. anyway the messages phone calls and emails stopped from the love of my life i started to take interest in her again. saying to my self what am i after doing repeatedly over and over. so about a month and a half ago i phoned her for the first time in a long time i told her straight out everything about the girl(night out girl)… it hit her first like a wall she was crying shouting for bout half hour.. it hurt me so much that day. we didn’t talk after that for about two days.. I made contact first after a couple of drinks with friends i told her i still loved her and that i would do anything to make it up to her. she said to me no i don’t want to be with you. anyway i stopped texting her that night and the next day i phoned her to see if she was yano serious. she was totally serious i begged cried got angry on the phone. she just told me she will never get back with me again… broke my heart. i phone again and asked her why she was being like this… I asked her was she seeing some one… she said she was i asked who?? she told me straight out the person. i looked the person up straight away i phoned her again crying shouting angry then she said it wasn’t him that she doesn’t want to tell me who it is. she just wanted to shut me up she said. i kept asking her to get back with me over and over telling her i need her, i love her, cant live without her, she didn’t care….. That pain in my chest is like a fist tightening head turning pounding anger that just rips through my chest i cant breath i try to watch something……. i cant…….. i turn it off…. cant concentrate on anything….it hurts so bad ……. every time i ring to talk she cant…. she has to go….. she contacts my parents about the kids instead of me… she never done that before. remember this is all about month and half ago….. its a couple of days to her birthday i don’t contact her all week during this week is a weekend when i have the kids its her birthday weekend.. i go on to facebook to have a look after this week… her page has been deleted!!!!…. i was like wtf!!! so i looked up her best friend instead and see pictures of her and the person she told me she was seeing then said wasn’t ???? siting down having a meal together. I phoned her that morning the kids went back to her and after a week of no contact.. In bits poured my heart and soul out to her. she basically told me to leave her alone. IT KILLED ME!! i couldn’t sleep eat talk to any one just stayed in bed.. iv been out of work… i have a serious injury due to a unrelated matter reason for out of work… so i leave her alone for another week no contact its killing me. I’m in bed its 1 clock in the morning I’m on the internet trying to somewhat distract my self….. BUT the power once again over comes me. I go on facebook after saying to my self over and over no no no no no don’t go on…i go on…… I see pictures of her with him inside where i lived with her….. my baby’s would have been asleep up stairs .. this was the big bang!!!! it hit me like 100 story building. i stayed up all night that night and phoned her that morning begging crying the usual. I asked her does she still love me she said she does… gave me some relief. I begged her to get back with me… she said… no she will never get back with me…. I didn’t sleep all that day or night. this was about 3 weeks ago. i haven’t been on facebook since deleted my facebook.. it was about 2 half weeks into no contact with me. one of my parents phones was on the table when a message came through and i opened it… she was organising for when the kids came up. i phoned her angry asking her to contact me instead she said ok.. its been 3 days with no contact she has still been texting my parents instead of me. i nearly went on facebook again last night but didn’t.. This is all my own fault and i know i deserve everything i get for what iv done. I wont contact her again i wont beg her or talk about us anymore what’s done is done. i cant be angry at her for what i have done.. I will take your advice and use it and see what happens. if i do get her back i will never leave anything like this happen again!!!!! thanks

chris

April 26, 2015 at 10:11 am

cheers :O typed no contact rule into browser lol
some great advice on your websites tho.. thanks man
also I think maybe on your angry smile face scale you should have a 6th face… A normal slightly happy face with deep anger behind it, in your face or something
I’m totally screwed man 🙁
Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 10:45 pm

Hey, I think you should check out my other site, Ex Girlfriend Recovery

Jennifer

April 23, 2015 at 7:02 pm

I hadn’t read this but was doing NC, then at day 5 after breakup, the ex texted, “Hi , how are you doing?” to which I replied 6+hours later “good 🙂 how are you?”, he said “I’m good too. Just felt the urge to say hello I guess. Hope ur week is going well.” I didn’t reply until days later, just to nicely ask him to return the library books that were at his house. He said ok, but then started talking about this airbnb thing. He has an extra bedroom, and when we were together, I had the idea of renting it out under airbnb so we would have money to go on vacation together (so his house, but me doing the legwork). After we split up, it would make sense to split the money I would presume, it’s less than $2000, $500 in an account in my name, $1450 in a check written to me, in his possession. He had the guy rewrite the check to him and he cashed it. Then he texted me, asking for half of the rest. What do I do? I feel it’s petty of him to ask for even more, when he already got more than his fair share, but I don’t want to argue about money, it’s distasteful and I don’t want to give him anything to rebel against. I’m tempted to just ignore it and try to get the rest of my life in order (car, job, etc).

I’m not sure if he is really greedy, if he is using this to keep us communicating,or both? He broke up with me, but I think he was afraid I was going to break-up with him (I wasn’t, but I had taken most of the stuff I had at his house to my home, according to the “Rules”) … the two weeks leading up to the breakup were difficult, with some fighting and we both felt unappreciated, but until then and overall we were really in love and we felt and told each other “you are the most amazing person I have ever met” etc

Advice on what’s going on, and how I should respond or should I continue with NC?
Thank you very much.

Jennifer

May 1, 2015 at 6:53 pm

I thought I replied, but it’s not showing up. Sorry this is long but I really need your advice.

He had been texting me to pick up my stuff, so I did that yesterday (20 days post-breakup). We chatted a little, he helped me put stuff in my car. He seemed impressed by all the changes I had made, seeing my new car and hearing about a new job and the fact I got rid of my storage space. He said nothing about my appearance but I went over there looking good (and slender, lost 7 lbs since he last saw me). He poured me a glass of wine and tried seducing me. I allowed hugging and a nice kiss, but made it clear that we were not going to have sex. He then tried to convince me logically, like we have been together before, our sex life was so great, that he can’t control himself when I “look at him like that.” I laughed and said I was just making eye contact! He wasn’t trying to get us back together, he clearly wanted to have sex just as exes, so I said no, I’m not the kind of girl who has sex with a guy I don’t have a future with. I probably should have kept it lighter, should have been more coy than serious, but I was caught off guard. We got to talking about our relationship, I get the sense that the main reason he broke it off was that he felt like he wasn’t making me happy. I replied that despite going through a difficult time (career-wise and other things), he generally made me happy and I apologized for times I had inadvertently taken my stress out on him. But I also reminded him, as a woman, I am more emotional than he is, and I should be cut slack at times. Sometimes I think he expects perfection. Anyways, it got a little negative there but we ended the evening positively. He asked me to update him on text, but I smiled flirtatiously and said, I don’t send guys texts, so he said something like he would text to check up on me. He sent me a text like 15 minutes after I left, “Hey I’m glad we talked it was good to see you Jenny” and this morning I wrote back “;) me too, Mackie” with that Communication image I stole from your site (the one with “honey if I agree with you we’d both be wrong”) to which he replies “Haha nice :)”

So … I know I am going to continue working on my life and not going to reach out to him. However, do I re-initiate full-blown NC, as in ignoring his texts or calls, give him mixed signals, and/ or can I respond to him if he reaches out to me to talk or ask me out (we were supposed to go to a concert in a couple weeks)? Also, I alluded to an amazing work opportunity; I didn’t tell him the details because I said I didn’t want to jinx it, which seemed to arouse his curiosity. Another reason I didn’t tell him is that the potential opportunity in out of state, and one thing he said he was afraid of when we were together is that I would have to move for my career. Should I keep quiet about it, or will the possibility of me moving away make him desire me more?

Or should I just forget about him entirely? He is 37, I’m 35, I want a guy who knows what he wants, wants ME, and wants to have a fun life while also wanting to start a family in the near future. The ex and I are perfect together in almost every way, it seems so workable to me, but if it doesn’t seem that way to him, then I don’t know what to do. Excuse the conceit, but I can’t imagine him finding someone better than me!
Jennifer

April 28, 2015 at 9:27 am

So he texted “Hey Jenny, I hope you’re doing well how much $ is in that acct from airbnb? i seem to remember around 600. Let’s just split it. Also have u taken the posting down and unlinked it from your profile? Btw I returned those books on Monday.” So he took $1450 for himself and wanted to “split” what he couldn’t get his hands on. I don’t care about the money itself, just hurt by the fact that it was a joint effort in order for us to go on vacation together, but he wants almost all of it to himself. I didn’t reply, but then saw him on Saturday night, he walked into a bar I was at with my friends. Awkward conversation ensued, he left saying he thought we should talk soon. Then Monday he texted: “Hey Jenny…never heard back from you about the airbnb stuff? Also what do you think about the scooter and the rest of ur stuff at my place?” I didn’t reply for 7 hours, he texted again “Hello Jenny are u out there??” I re-read this article, and decided this situation probably falls under the third exception to NC, so I replied I just got out of the Meetup I organize, and asked about my time/date options for coming over. Do you agree that this is an exception to NC (getting stuff from his house)? He replied, wanting me to come over the next night, but I think I only have Thursday night of this week free. How should I handle the money issue? My attorney friends have offered to draft a document in legalese, saying everything should be split evenly. I was thinking I’d keep it pleasant, grab my stuff, and when he asks about the $, tell him I’ve delegated that stuff to my attorney, because I don’t like handling financial stuff. Then… back to NC? Thoughts?
Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 10:43 pm

Thanks for the assist on those other comments!

Wow… he cashed a check that was for you…

That is just angering to me.

My money is on what you said… it’s probably both reasons the greedy and the communication stuff.

What did he text you exactly?

Zenyth

April 23, 2015 at 2:34 pm

Hi Chris. So I after receiving another text from him yesterday, I decided to break NC. I sent him the I have a confession text. I did make him wait for an hour, to which he literally had a tiny conniption fit, texting me 5 times and calling me within the first 15 minutes. He then admitted that his rebound relationship had ended. Again I say all within the hour. I then texted him about our first dance together. He responded saying that he had a little confession of his own, of the dirtier variety. Right after that I actually did get wrapped in a conversation for an hour and couldnt text him back. He sent me more texts again inquiring about my relationship status and asking me to give him a call sometime. I texted him after my conversation letting him know that I would love to talk but that I had to go and that it was nice talking to him. A few hours later I texted him letting him know that I was indeed single again. To which he responded saying that he had been craving me followed by a few more kinky texts. The morning I made the decision to text a few kinky texts of my own. Hoping to lure him in but not hook up with him until he recommits. Just kinda hot and cold with a little friend-zoning. I was a little upset that his initial response was less romantic and more sexual. What should I be doing now?

Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 10:38 pm

Give him mixed signals…

Until you get your date.

Flirt with him and then pull back and then flirt again.

ami

April 23, 2015 at 7:51 am

Ok so me and my boyfriend had been together 16 months. Had an amazing loving relationship barely argued. Hes in the army and was on leave we had a little argument the day before he went back to germany which we sorted the day he left we both said sorry and how it was a stupid argument over nothing. Then when he got back he seemed a little off with me which i put down to work etc. But then 4 days ago he told me that he loved to to pieces and i was the best thing to ever happen to him etc but he didnt know if he could see a future with me at the moment (a month prior he had asked me to move in with him in august when he is posted back in the uk) and he needed to sort his head out. So he broke up with me. So i started the nc rule and i know he is still checking my social media accs etc. But what does he mean by he doesnt see a future with me at the moment when he was the one that was always bringing up marriage and moving in together? Is he just maybe freaking out about the extra commitment when he comes back in august?

ami

April 23, 2015 at 4:43 pm

So maybe after some time once hes got his head together we might be able to sort this out? And this nc is hard lol
Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 1:18 pm

I don’t see a future with you probably has a lot to do with his feelings and his current circumstances especially if he is being shipped overseas.

Melissa

April 22, 2015 at 7:01 pm

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend of 10 months and I broke up today. He said he had lots of built up anger from the past couple of months. He said that he loves me but he can’t be with me anymore. This is the second time he is doing this to me. I have to admitted I did pull the ill kill myself card and also threathen to message his friends on Facebook. He removed me off Facebook. I asked him to meet me in person but he doesn’t want to he says that we will never get back together and he will never contact me again. He told me that I am needy, I’m psycho and I am a kid. I am worried if I do the 30 days NC rule he will not care. What should I do? I love him so much I just want to see him one last time but he doesn’t want to. He threaten to block my number and to change phone numbers from me. He told me I will realize what I lose once he’s gone. He also said that he lots feelings and love for me. I want to prove to hm that I want to change and have one last chance but he doesn’t want to, I asked if we could be friends and he doesn’t want to. He said maybe one day we can be friends but as for now, no way. He said he will miss me and he does love me and will not move on quickly. But I want him for myself I miss him and love hkm a lot. His friends and family tell him not to get back with me, but How can I get him back?

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:41 am

I am going to tell you what I tell everyone who asks the question you just asked.

If you were to not do the NC what would you do to get him back?

How would you improve your chances?

What can you do different other than what you are already doing?

Zenyth

April 22, 2015 at 1:37 pm

Ok so I have a week of NC left. About 10 days in, my ex texted me twice to ask about my relationship status and to make a comment about how he had seen me almost every day on his way to work. We work within a few blocks of eachother. I held out and ignored his texts. I even started coming to work early so he couldn’t see me. I hadn’t heard anything from him until yesterday, when I got a little weak/lazy and thought that I would come to work at normal time and maybe we would see eachother in passing. It didn’t work because we didn’t see eachother. Now that afternoon he texted me saying that he was just checking up on me and asked if I was ok. I didn’t respond and thought that would be the end of it like last time. Two hours later he called and I didn’t pick up. A minute after that he emailed me asking if I blocked his number. I of course have not responded. Lol this NC thing is working WAAAYYYY better than I expected. So my question now is should what should I be doing. While its a great confidence booster for him to have done this, I just want to make sure Im on the right track by continuing to ignore him for the duration of NC.

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:32 am

I definitely think you are on the right track.

Irina

April 22, 2015 at 10:51 am

What if we only dating for 3 months and not meeting each other since 1 month?

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:25 am

Not quite sure I understand what you are saying here?
Irina

April 22, 2015 at 10:58 am

Should I use NC for 30 days? I’m scared that he will getting over
Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:25 am

Yes use it!

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