The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

Rooh

May 7, 2015 at 8:41 am

I’ve tried the no contact rule. I am still on it. It has been almost 2 weeks that I’ve been applying the no contact rule on my ex. My ex messaged me over Facebook today saying “be a good sport and get someone else.” Does he actually mean it? Does he want me to move on? I’m really confused, Chris. Please help!

Valente

May 6, 2015 at 10:40 pm

Chris! I read your posts EVERY DAY, specially when I feel down and hopeless, then I see that nothing is impossible, so, thank you for sharing your knowledge with all of us. My ex and I broke up 1 month ago, but I have effectively started the no contact rule on apr23. He texted me on apr26 asking ‘how are you’ and I unfortunatelly said ‘im good and you?’ >.< since then, I have been struggling and keeping in total silence (and so is he). he told me he doesnt feel anything for me anymore, and we were planning to get married this year. weeks before the broke up, we were planning to travel together (since we are in a LDR). he broke up with me all in a sudden (also because he is going thru a quite hard stress with his family too). i noticed that he tried to attack me for many times after the broke up (when we talked), for example: i always wanted a cat and we were planning to get one after we were married. after the broke up, he told me like "now you can have a cat! why dont you get you one?" … i know he is depressed because of his family issues and this is one of the reasons why the NC rule is being so hard on me, i am worried about his health and his mind. but im on my 10th day now and i intend to continue for 20 more days. as you said, men like to chase and not to be chased, so, in other words, i am trying to be the hunt and not the hunter. he told me he was struggling for 2-3 months to stay together but he was feeling distant, but still, 'he loved me like he never loved anybody in his life before' in the broke up day… you really think that he could be just hurt or the love may have "died" indeed? and is it possible to ''die that fast'' ?

Ginger

May 6, 2015 at 6:34 pm

Hello Chris,

My boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years and he broke up with me with “It’s not you, it’s me, I have a lot of work to do, our relationship (Long distance relationship) has worn, I’m not sure of how I feel about you, this is not definitive, I need some time to see how I feel about you, If I really need you, at this time I don’t want a relationship etc etc” we are going to live in the same city in a month (finally, but now he broke up with me) I started with the no contact rule, but he hasn’t called yet… (it’s been a week) I’m just worried.. what if he never calls? I know how busy he is he has two jobs! But, I’m afraid that with him been sooo busy he barely remember me or something… TO be honest, I called him a week later after we broke up, and he was… Idk kinda happy, I don’t know if he was happy because I called him or because he is happy without me… What if he never calls back?? 🙁

Amy

May 6, 2015 at 3:28 pm

Chris,

My boyfriend, who I dated 12 years ago (he broke up with me via email at that time), recently came back to me after his ex-wife initated their divorce (approximately 3 weeks after, and he had checked in on me periodically for 10 years via email just to say hi). He and I dated for 3 months and were happy and he was making plans for a future with me. Each time he made plans, I would double and triple check to make sure he was ready for what he was saying (example – moving in together in a few months). He assured me he was. He brought me back around his family, and encouraged me to be friends with his sister. A few days after he received an email saying that his divorce papers were ready to be reviewed, he emailed me to say he wasn’t sure he was ready for all that we had planned and needed time to think about what he wanted. He then tried to keep me in his life for 2 weeks, and saw how emotional I was about all of this, since I believe he is the love of my life, and then one day decided, again via email, that he didn’t want this right now.

I have largely followed the NC rule through this, however he owed me money for a phone bill, so when I did contact him, it was to address that. Today, he finally paid me for the bill, and then emailed me to tell me sorry and that the money was sent. I didn’t reply to this email.

With our history, do you think that if I keep employing the NC rule, and give him time to work through his issues related to his divorce and not properly mourning it, that he will return to me? He has not tried to contact me at all in the last two weeks and has only responded to my emails regarding money.

Thanks.

Sabrina

May 6, 2015 at 5:43 am

Hi Chris … !
I broke up about 2 weeks ago. And we broke up after 1,5 years. I started the NC, but on the 11 days, i broke my NC, when he message me and wanted to talk with me. I agree with him. He said I should forget him, he didnt love me. And he said he just want to sex with me. And he dont want to be friend. I said if he said that, he can prove it ?. And we sexed together in the next day. I feel he didnt like what he said through his atc and says. I broke my NC because i wanna know what he want ?. Because i think he didnt know he love me. I felt his love while we were dating. But he said no and he think that.
You know while my NC. He ask some friends about me, he asked did i contact with them?. He still use everything that i bought for him before broken or something it’s mind.
I love him so much. He complete me :). He is half of my life. I want he come back with me, but i dont know how to do ?. I feel happy when he feel happy.
Again i started my NC, today is the second day. And my NC will be work?. I again my NC, and this time, i wont let anything effect during my NC. Wont contact with some his friend and his family. It’s will be success or something like that.
I’m not an american, so my english is not so well. :D. You can give me some advice.?. I know Im wrong when contact with him and with his friend. He didnt move on his emotional about me. (i think that)

Sabrina

May 6, 2015 at 5:40 am

I broke up about 2 weeks ago. And we broke up after 1,5 years. I started the NC, but on the 11 days, i broke my NC, when he message me and wanted to talk with me. I agree with him. He said I should forget him, he didnt love me. And he said he just want to sex with me. And he dont want to be friend. I said if he said that, he can prove it ?. And we sexed together in the next day. I feel he didnt like what he said through his atc and says. I broke my NC because i wanna know what he want ?. Because i think he didnt know he love me. I felt his love while we were dating. But he said no and he think that.
You know while my NC. He ask some friends about me, he asked did i contact with them?. He still use everything that i bought for him before broken or something it’s mind.
I love him so much. He complete me :). He is half of my life. I want he come back with me, but i dont know how to do ?. I feel happy when he feel happy.
Again i started my NC, today is the second day. And my NC will be work?. I again my NC, and this time, i wont let anything effect during my NC. Wont contact with some his friend and his family. It’s will be success or something like that.
I’m not an american, so my english is not so well. :D. You can give me some advice.?. I know Im wrong when contact with him and with his friend. He didnt move on his emotional about me. (i think that)

Krys

May 6, 2015 at 4:02 am

After 3 months, he broke up with me. I think my situation may be a little different because of the timing? A little background, he was married (now divorced of course) and was with the girl for 6 years but she cheated on him for the last 5 months before their wedding and he found out on the wedding night. They were in a long distance relationship for over a year before the wedding because of his military training. Every thing was amazing before the break up and it was out of left field. He told me he had a lot of training coming up to the extent of being gone for a week home, for a week, gone for a month, home for 10ish days, and then gone for a little over 3 weeks, When he broke up with me he said that he wasn’t looking for me, that I fell into his lap, and that he didn’t know if he was ready or if that’s what he wanted. He’s told me that I’m one of his favorite people after the break up. It’s been a month as of tomorrow. I’ve talked to him since and we met up on the 23rd right before he left for the month of training. He wont be home until the end of this month. The night seemed more like a date then anything else! He was opening doors for me, paid for my meal and being super sweet to me. The night went so well that I ended up sleeping with him and staying with him and cuddling until he had to leave for training at 0430 in the morning. On this night he was mentioning that he’d help me with my papers for college, like he said he would, when he got back and I mentioned that I was going to get a passport and he immediately said “oh yea! then we can go to Canada this summer when I have time off!”. I recently came across this web site which I’m very hopeful. In those three months he get me to fall in love with him. I’m willing to do everything in my power to get this to work. I just don’t know what to do. I need help.

Nick

May 5, 2015 at 3:13 pm

Hello Chris,
first of all congratulations on your great article, I can’t wait to read more of your work.
My gf and I had a horrible break up, which involved us blocking each other from all media along with each other’s friends.
It’s been almost a month since then, and she seemed really dedicated in getting away from me, yet I think it’s all a bad reaction to what happened. Do you think I should make any moves and try to talk to her? Or does she really not want to do anything with me anymore? If that’s the case, is there anything I can do? Thanks a lot for your time!

Alex

May 5, 2015 at 5:15 am

Hi Chris,
Can you write an article explaining why it is so important to not continuously break the no contact rule? I have been struggling with it, and I know that every time I break it, I may be lowering my chances to get back with my ex. I know he misses me because he continues to talk to me, but every time I respond (I know I know) I wonder why he even reached out in the first place! I have tried ignoring him but it’s hard because we work together and his mom is dying. I feel terrible for ignoring him, so when he reaches out, I feel obligated to reply, but I know each time I do, he could be slipping further and further away from me. Any advice for those of us who break NC? A more in depth look at WHY we shouldn’t break it??

Grace

May 2, 2015 at 2:03 am

Hey Chris,
My boyfriend and I just broke up for the 100th time over the course of five years. We are what you described in your article as the “in and out” relationship. I stayed with him knowing he lied and cheated repeatedly. He is almost like an addiction I can’t shake. Well, I tried the no contact rule and you were right, it is VERY hard! I’ve broken it a 100 times! The longest I went after he broke it off was 3 weeks and bam! He’d real me in again, only to have the same stuff happen again. Well, in my texts to him, some were I love you and I know he loves me to anger and lashing out! Emails, too. So, in our case would the NC rule work? I am dating again, so it’s been easier. I haven’t slept with any of the dates until last night and it took a lot for me to finally give in to sleeping with another man. What do I do? I text him about it and I did it to hurt him like he hurt me so many times. So, do I apply and STICK to the NC? Please help. 🙁

etti

May 1, 2015 at 5:03 pm

Hi Chris!
First of all…your method works. A year and a half ago my boyfriend left me for another. After 30 days we were back toghether! Unfortunately now he says he has doubts about us and wants to break up again. What should i do? I think that being pleasant, not emotional(didnt cry when he told me and he said he apprexiated this a lot) helps. He kisses ,hugs and takes me by the hand all the same but what should i do to keep him for good?thank you!

afaf

May 1, 2015 at 8:59 am

Hi Chris I’ve done your NC and finish it and I sent my ex a small msg and and he replied and I forgot to text for a whole ” I was busy” then one day he was infront my house and asked me if can go out with him so I did, but when he ask me to get back together I was so happy until he said ” let’s keep it a secret ” I was shocked that he want it a secret and I said I don’t know if my feelings are the same towards him and I need to take my time. After 4 days he contacted me but we didn’t bring up anything since I reply realy late. So what should I do now I’m really confused what if he want me but don’t want his friends and family to know his friends really hate me but I don’t wnat to be in a secret relationship I lived without him this period and I can live without him, I’m desperate as before.
plz I need your help chris

Kathryn

April 30, 2015 at 6:18 pm

I have a bit of a dilemna. I have initiated the NC period. It’s been 11 days since the break up and neither of us have made contact since. I have been taking this time to work on myself and normally I would spend more time with my friends but my 2 best friends that I spend the most time with actually bought a condo in the same building my ex owns one in, a month before we broke up. They have the nicest place, throw most of our parties, and live near all the clubs/bars so our friends always end up there. They live on a different floor but the building is small so there’s a pretty high chance we can bump into each other in the ONE entrance/ONE elevator/ ONE stairwell. Obviously neither will be moving anytime soon, and I don’t wanna have to avoid my friends. Do I ignore him if we bump into each other???

LHW

April 29, 2015 at 4:34 pm

Hi Chris,
I need some advice. My boyfriend broke up with my after 2 years of dating. He said that we on different pages some of the time and he would get mad at me sometimes for misunderstandings of comments. He said that he needs to make sure that there isn’t anyone out there that will make him 100% happy when during our relationship he was only three quarters of the way happy. This happened about 2 weeks ago. There were some back and forth texts and emails regarding items at his house and events. Ultimately, the last time I contacted him was a week ago regarding an event we were supposed to go to and I declined the invite. He says he still wants to be friends, but I don’t know if I can just be friends with him. We were in love, or at least I thought he was in love with me. I don’t think it is right for him to have the best of both worlds as having me still as a friend to talk to when needed when he has completely thrown my world upside down and wants to see if there is someone else out there that he missed. So, I am officially on NC Day 7. I ultimately, do not understand his reasoning. I think there is something more behind it. I think that maybe he started to get afraid of commitment since we are no longer in our 20s. However, I have a feeling that he will not reach out to me unless I reach out to him. He knows in my past relationships I have cut ties with the other person (I broke up with them though). So, what is your advice? Should I keep up with the NC rule for 30 days and see how it is. I just know for a fact he will not contact me because he would be to proud to do so. Please help.
LHW

Amy

April 29, 2015 at 3:13 pm

Chris does this still work on a smaller scale if you feel your husband being distant sometimes??? If so, do you just stay quiet and in the other room more often?

Jamie

April 29, 2015 at 2:19 am

Hi!
What if we both go 30 days without contacting each other? Does it mean it’s completely over if he doesn’t contact me during this 30-day period???

maria

April 28, 2015 at 9:08 pm

What happened to my comment posted earlier today? Came back on hoping to read a response and its gone!

Cassandra

April 28, 2015 at 8:27 pm

Ok help! (Again)

I made it 6 days into No Contact before my ex contacted me. I never told him I was doing no contact and when he contacted me it was because he needed the answer to a question only I could answer. I did answer him but then he tried to bring up a whole conversation. I stopped him and told him that this whole thing has been very hard on me and that I was just taking some time to grow and needed some space. Now he’s upset/angry because when we split we agreed to stay in contact and eventually work on it as I’ve said in previous comments… but I’m scared that he’ll just drag me along on a string and hurt me over and over.

Did I do something wrong by telling him I needed space to work on myself?

Maria

April 28, 2015 at 4:42 pm

My boyfriend of four years started pulling away from me a month before he moved to the other side of town. I didn’t understand his distance so i began to question him. After a few altercations he broke up with me saying we shouldn’t see each other any more, that we both want different things. He no longer wants to be in a relationship and that he doesn’t love me. He said he would call me at the end of the week and if i didn’t answer he would not call again. My heart was broken. He called , i did not answer, he left a message asking how my job search was going and to give him a call when i got a chance. I never responded, even though i feared i may never speak to him again. I have been NC for 5 weeks now and so want to talk to him. I feel he should be the one to reach out again. Im starting to feel the longer I stay NC the further we are drifting apart and the harder it will be to reconnect if we have a chance. So under the circumstances do you think i should reach out with a text or wait til he makes another move?

Paweł

April 28, 2015 at 8:46 am

Hey man,
So basically, let me tell you my story.

I’m 19 yo, my ex-gf/gf is 46.
We were in a distance relationship for 7 months until now, we had many arguments and fights, break-ups and misunderstandings, but after all we were both in love, she was very jealous about me in the internet.
We met through facebook. I saw her once for 4 days at her house, we had Juicy 4 days, after this, everything started to break.
We were supposed to meet in a Berlin hotel for a weekend, but she couldn’t come, so I was there all alone, but that’s not the point.
She had lots of stress, money problems, sick mom, eye problems. Also I was not always so lovely and happy.
After the berlin, we talked a little, she sent me a package, with some little gifts.
I was calling her next days to ask how is she feeling and if everything is okay, she never answered the phone, she then after some time wrote to me on e-mail this message:
“i work. I have no money to call. stop it, again and again to ask me the same which is exhausting. let me do my work and get busy with your interests…;-) if you have them. what should come out of this exaggerated dig deeper? which makes no sense. You know perfectly well that I have no money to call back. I explain it now not again. Patience … everyone can learn. i will contact you. when I have time and desire. absolutely normal.”

So I felt insulted and wrote sarcastic things and started pointing out her wrongs and so, she then wrote:
“the thing is that I have no energy anymore. and now let me please do my things. thank you for the respect.”
And that’s all, after this I had no contact with her, it is since thursday.
I’m not sure what to do now, do you think I should use the NC rule ?
Maybe she is done with me totally forever ?
But I love her so much 🙁
She did also love me.
And after some time it seemed all so cold and stagnant.
I’m cranky all the time now.
Maybe those are the results of a distance relationship. I’m from Poland and she is a Mexican, we were supposed to live in Berlin together next month. 🙁
I hope for the answer,
Thank you,
Greetings from Poland

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