The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

Mary

May 16, 2015 at 3:17 pm

Hi Chris,
My name is Mary, 27 years old from Philippines, I want t share to you my story my boyfriend and I have been together in 1 year and 5 months he is a Irish nationality 34 yrs old, we both working here in Qatar, but we didn’t see each other much maybe 2x a month for the reason that he’s always go out with his friends and he likes to drink to much which I understand coz I know our nature here in Qatar we are just here to work but actually there is nothing to do here except to drink, but we always texted each other to check if its everything’s ok, I know my BF he’s a quite shy but he’s very friendly, when we are in two months in a relationship he was told to me hat he is not ready for a serious relationship then I ignore him I thot is just a part of argument, we don’t have major arguments except if I ask him for a date coz he don’t have time for me, and I always understand him because I know he’s working to hard. We are happy but we both know that the way we are now is not the real relationship. Last Thursday I ask him where he is because the next day is our day off then he said he’s in the club that we always went every day off, and he ask me and u? just at home! and probably go for a date I was joking and he knows that coz I always tell that every time im upset, then he said come to the club and u making me jealous again that he never been jealous, the I replied no im serious I want a real date. then e replied sorry maybe u wud be better off with another guy. the I said you are still not ready , yes ur right im not ready he say sorry again and repeat what he said maybe its better u find someone better. I im start shouting him that I hate you, you’re the worst and a lot of more. then yesterday I went to his house I thot its normal, I was surprise when he told to me what are u doing here I thot we finish it last nyt, and im start crying, I dint say anything I was cyring that I never did in my life. he keep on telling me im not ready, im not happy, ext, he tell to me that its not fair to you blah blah blah… I was crying for 2 hours, then I left his house then I come home I call him that I want you back I don’t want you to lose, that its hurts, then he say to me maybe we can be friends. please respect my decision that imp not ready for the serious relationship. then I slept coz im so tired out if crying the call him 15x last he didn’t answer then I texted him and say that I miss him so much that ill be waiting for him until he’s ready.
then I call him this morning then finally he answer the phone he ask if I go to work I say no, then I say I miss him a lot 5x time but he didn’t say miss you back.
Please help me how to win him back. I love him even thought we didn’t see each other but I know im the one who will understand whatever he wants.

thank you so much

Nicole

May 15, 2015 at 3:15 pm

Hi Chris
Are the 30 days the minimum to do? Because I heard of 21 days as well or is that only for males.

Nicole

May 13, 2015 at 1:26 pm

Hi Chris,

Started NC Last Thursday (the 7th of May). He called 5 times on the 4th night (1 night ago) and it was around 12 am… while I was sleeping. Its been more than 24 hours since then and now its on to day 6. Why did he call like that and then stop? Is he looking for a reaction from me? I am continuing NC though.

Jessica

May 13, 2015 at 11:04 am

Should I delete him off fb during the no contact rules?

Veronica

May 11, 2015 at 4:10 pm

Hi Chris,
My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me in Jan 2015. But he contacted me recently and we head out together too. Currently we are taking driving lessons together so we have to meet up with each other. He gave me mixed signals in the beginning, like holding my hand, kissing me and feeding me. But he said he is still numb towards me. He stopped holding my hand and kissing me. I confessed that I hope there is a second chance for our relationship. But he said we are friends. What am I supposed to do? He had 3 failed relationships including ours. Is that the reason why he might be numb? Should I apply the NC rule?
Will it work in this situation?

Christal

May 10, 2015 at 9:56 pm

Hi Chris,

So I’m currently implementing the NCR with my ex. The day he broke up with me he kept saying, I know you’re the one for me, but I’m not ready for a relationship. We were together for 1.5 years and I totally saw the signs of him becoming more and more distant. I asked him if he was trying to see the other options in women or if he sincerely wasn’t ready for a relationship and needed time to just live his life freely. He of course said he wanted to remain friends and stay in constant contact.

Well the next day I knew being in contact would only hurt me more so I sent him a text telling him that I love him, but we needed to stop communication, so that I could heal and move on.

He didn’t respond back, which I didn’t expect him to anyways.
I truly still love him and if he came back for another chance I would take him back. Do you think I have ruined the chance of him trying to come back one by sending the text I did?

F deeley

May 10, 2015 at 5:36 pm

Hi Chris
I was with my boyfriend for 9 months. He has had a very tough upbringing without his parents from a very young age. He has only been in one other relationship which ended with him being cheated on. As a result of this he struggles to trust anyone though over time he has opened up to me about this. I honestly feel that he is panicking about being hurt again. I’ve read lots of articles on your website that talk about being the ungettable girl and how distance between people creates that pull and I find them very interesting. However I truly believe that his issue is that he believes he is not good enough for me and fears rejection and that he will not be able to provide for me. He has told me on many occasions I deserve better than him. If I install the 30 days no contact I fear it will reinforce these thoughts rather than make him want me. I tried to reassure him that I like him for who he is not inspite of it. Do you recommend using no contact in these cases or could it make things worse

Layla

May 10, 2015 at 12:13 pm

Hi Chris.
I love your articles, very inspiring. The thing is my boyfriend and i broke up a month ago. He gave me the silent treatment never told me the reason beside him being more confortable and he cant take pressure or neediness from my side. I am have been going through prob recently and was a bit depressive and needy. We work togheter and we interact a lot at work. I used NC on him for 15 days than and since we see each other every day i asked him to talk about us. I got the same answer, cant talk, have nohing to say and u better go on with ur life. I tried to talk convince him and made a second break down. Conclusion nothing worked. I started Nc all over again and its really hard since we work together. Any advice from side plz? I dont know even why we broke up.Thank you

Layla

May 10, 2015 at 7:33 am

Hi Chris, we broke up 1 month ago, i was being needy and had some problems so he gave me the silent treatment and broke up with me. We work together so we interact a lot, i tried using NC but failed on day 15 and asked him to talk about us. He said he took his decision and he feels better like this and he was upset from wat i said on our break up fight and that he dont hv any other reason for the break up than that he feels happy and gd alone. Although i tried convincing him, he insisted on his position and i breaked down again. Anyways i started the Nc all over again. And i dont really know if i hv a chance and how to deal with him at work. Thank you Chris for your reply.

Jaylee

May 10, 2015 at 4:02 am

Hi Chris, I was just wondering – my ex and I have only dated for a little over 4 months, but we’ve known each other for over a year prior to dating. He and I haven’t had a girlfriend/boyfriend for 3-4 years prior to meeting each other, and when we realized how much we loved each other’s company, we developed strong feelings for each other.

Everything was great till the last few weeks of our breakup. The reason we broke up is because he had a lot on his plate (work, stress, family, money) and our schedules kept colliding. No matter how hard we tried to meet up, we couldn’t see each other for a few weeks.

It came to the point where he was getting easily irritated with me and started texting me less, till he eventually decided we needed to take a step back and just be friends. He said felt guilty he was allowing his behavior to affect us and he felt that it was unfair for us both if we continued. I told him I may need to distance myself (NC) from him for a bit, and he said it’s fine as long as we can still be friends later.

I’m worried now that after NC, he’ll only see me as a friend and nothing more. He also said I was perfect in his eyes, the kindest person he’s ever known, and that we understood each other so well and had a lot in common. But I’m not sure if he was just trying to be nice or if it’s the usual “you’re nice, but we should just be friends” line for someone who’s lost feelings…

So my question is, after the NC rule, is it okay to “be friends” with him and will it eventually bring us back together? Or will we just remain as friends? And I was also wondering if he actually did lose feelings for me?

Also, I feel like I should add – there are currently 10 days left till I’m done with the NC rule. He hasn’t contacted me since, but we bumped into each other 5 days ago. We work at the same area and so we met eye-to-eye, but looked away quickly and none of us greeted each other. We literally just walked past each other. It hurt a lot to be honest, I did want to say hello of course, we’re not strangers.

I thought I was doing fine during NC, but after seeing him that day, I broke down into tears. Do you think I need more than a month of NC just to get myself sorted? I’m worried that because we only dated for such a short period of time, if I prolong the NC period for too long, my chances of getting back with him would be less – do you think this would be the case?

Kit

May 9, 2015 at 9:16 pm

Hi Chris,
I had a really rough break up with my ex. Weeks before we broke up, I found out I was pregnant with his child. It was only a few weeks old but it was still a hard decision to decided if I should keep it or not. I was sort of living with him at the time, but not fully. When I told him about it we decided to get an abortion. I really wanted to keep the child but I wasn’t finically stable or able to really keep it. Which he was okay with because he was sort of in the same boat. For weeks before the abortion I battled through a lot of emotional problems. To the point where I couldn’t deal with him, do to us arguing about so much stuff all the time. We decided to take some space from each other, two days before the abortion. So I packed my car with everything I ever bought for his house. After the abortion he told me he was disgusted by the way I reacted and decided he doesn’t want to get back together with me. Although he still considers me a friend. After the official break up I contacted him a couple times I didn’t want to but I was furious with him and how he acted about the about everything. I did so much for him, including even picking his son up from school. So I couldn’t understand how he could be disgusted by me.
The last time I contacted him, I brought up that a mutual girl friend of both of ours deleted me and blocked me on facebook. So I brought this up to him, I know I shouldn’t have but I felt scorned and hurt that she did this, because I didn’t trust her for awhile. She liked every post he put on facebook for months before all of this. So I asked if he was with her, he told me they had been talking and hanging out more. So I lost it, it had been only a week since the abortion and the official break up happened, so I pretty much told him I’m glad he can move on so quickly from our break up. Shows me how he truly felt about me. Along with sort of accused him of cheating on me the whole time and never loving me at the end. The pain hurt so much that he seemed to move on so quickly to a girl his brother and best friend had both been with and I was suppose to know. I even tried to get her together with his brother. Which felt like I was stabbed in the back by both of them.
As of now I haven’t spoken to him 4 days since the last time I talked/argued with him. He use to never post much statues or facebook selfies on his Facebook. Now his posting things like to serenade her with musical instruments along with calling her sweetheart and crap all over facebook. Knowing I will see it.
After everything I don’t know if I really want this guy back, but why would be be doing this is it him trying to get me to contact him. Get another crazy reaction. He only didn’t start doing this until after the whole argument 4 days ago, about him moving on with her. If I keep up the NC rule do you think he will contact me again, wondering why I don’t care what his doing anymore. I don’t even plan on updating my facebook for a month or two just so he has no idea what I’m doing. I decided I want NC with him, but do you think this will get him curious about me and how I’m doing.

Brenna

May 9, 2015 at 6:31 pm

Chris I haven’t seen any advice for first lover breakups and I was wondering what you think…

My ex and I broke up (over a protracted 3-4 week period in which I convinced him 2/3 times to stay) and I kept calling and texting and making. Yes, desperation reeked out of me. After he made it very plainly clear and began to act coldly towards me I finally did NC and today is day 29. I could go another 2 weeks of NC but I’m wondering if I should even bother trying to contact him? Not because I don’t want him back, I do.

He said he broke up with me because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone right now and that he wants his 20s to be a time where he can take full advantage of any opportunities that may come his way. We had dated for over 3 years so I’m completely heartbroken. We’re both in our mid 20s. Should I even bother reaching out after just a month? Should I even bother if this was the first relationship ever for the both of us and if his reason is to maximize his 20s and focus on his career? I should make it clear now that I’ve been and always have been supportive of his goals – he has acknowledged such as well. The week before NC start he kept saying he just wanted to keep doing his own thing…

B

May 9, 2015 at 3:13 am

Hi Chris!
Great article! So I had been with my ex for nearly a year prior to me breaking up with him about 2 weeks ago. It started off great for the first 2 months then he was deployed to Afghanistan for 6 months. We decided to stay together. He told me he had insecurities from being cheated on in past deployments, and I told him I would help him work through it. It started off ok, then he began demanding facebook and email passwords, for me to have my number changed in fear of exes contacting me, using geotag on facebook messenger for primary means of communication so he could see where I was etc. I put up a fight, but essentially gave in. His suspicions continued even though they were only based on his past and I didn’t know how else to handle it other than argue and tell him he was crazy and that he needed to leave me alone. He would call my phone dozens of times a day…it was getting overwhelming. Anyway, a lot of arguments happened, he came back, we were ok for a month or two and then the arguments started again. He had apologized for his behavior before, but now made himself to be a victim and claimed he fell out of love with me because of how I handled him in Afghanistan. He wanted me to be more patient and less combative, even though his suspicions continued when he got back. He even wouldn’t let me get off the phone with him unless he wanted to get off the phone with me, or allow me to go to a club on my birthday. Anyway, he began being very distant and the arguments started to consume us. 2 weeks ago, I told him I couldn’t take it anymore after he told me he no longer saw a future with me or wanted to marry me anymore because of the fighting. I said that we should break up and he said to wait around until the “flame” came back but I told him I didn’t want to. After I broke up with him, I started to regret my decision and began contacting him after 3 days of not hearing from him. I became very emotional and asked him why we had gotten to this point when our relationship used to be so good. He said it’s for the best and that he has too much hatred for me and needs to focus on more important things, but will always be there for me if I need to talk and still cares for me. He sent some “this sucks” texts, blew up my phone one day when I was at a baseball game with a friend leaving me “I guess you’ve moved on messages”, and that was it. I’ve called him crying probably 3 times since then and he answers and calls back later to check up on me but that was that. It’s been 6 days now and I haven’t heard from him. I still love him and care for him deeply and would like to rekindle what we had prior to his deployment but he is also the type of person who loses interest easily and is obviously very insecure. Does the NC rule still apply here?

Billy

May 8, 2015 at 2:22 pm

Hello Chris. GREAT website. Listen up, what is my case exactly.

We’ve been together for a year. We broke up in the begining of April. She said she didn’t want to be in a relationship, but now I learn from a close friend of mine who she talks with her, that she wasn’t so much in love any more. At the beginning as I understood she was not so much in love, then we both fell in love very much, but now I was more in love than her and she became to get stressed. Our sex life was GREAT though/

One week after the break up, where i didnt text her (only replyied when she text me) we had sex, but the next day she was telling to our mutual friend that she doesnt want to be in a relationship with me. 2 days later she texted me saying that she was thinking that we still had to do things and I replyied that i believe that our circle hadn’t close. She agreed. She also told to our mutual friend that she misses me. The next day she called me like we were back together and we were doing just a break.
After 3 days (in the meantime I sent her a message, where she didnt answer), she told me that she was better without me.

THE THING IS THAT we didnt break up because she wanted someone else, just because this think fainted. I mean she hasn’t go with someone else till know. just hanging around with her brother and friends.

Around April 28th we talked and had a little fight where i told her to get lost. She started calling me (9 times) and texting me, if I wanted to go like this (meaning to have bad relations from now on) and that its noones fault that the relationship didn’t work out.
She then deleted me from fb, because i was ignoring her and then she told me sorry for deleting, I want you in my life.(meaning as a friend), and whenever you want to talk to me, just go ahead.

No I started the no contact period since the end of the month 1 week and a couple of days, where we haven’t talked.
Yesterday she went out with that mutual friend and she told her, that she not misses me, that she is better now. She didn’t ask how I am going and also she told her, that she wasn’t so in love with me, as I was with her and that’s why I got wounded.
The last days in fb, it seems I am partying all the time by the way.

What do you think?
Again, we had great sex, she was telling that to our friend some other day, which i think is a +.
The think that makes me wonder, is that breaking up was a conscious decision for her.

Our mutual friend and says that I have to forget her and that she is great now..

please gimme a plan.
thank you
billy

Mary

May 8, 2015 at 10:53 am

Hi Chris,

Your website is amazing, but I really need your help. Long story short we started as a casual thing that he then pushed for it to become exclusive. We were going out for 4 months and were happy whenever we were together, when he/we decided to end it he said I tick all his boxes and he is very sad about us not seing eachother anymore. The thing is he has a very important career-wise exam coming up in a month and he had previously failed his exam two years in a row (stupidly associating his failure with a previous break-up the the rebound girl), he said he wanted to focus on his exam and not fail again and when he started to have feelings for me, he just blocked those and started focusing again on what he has to do. After we broke up, I did NC for 1 week then I broke it because I really missed him, he said he misses me to, but afterwards the conversation became a normal/funny conversation as we usually had, he sent the last text and I didn`t write anything after that. I started NC again after that. Do you think I should continue with the NC or just move on (the 30 days period, the new one, will finish right before his exam…) but I am worried that if I wait until after the exam it will give the wrong idea. What should I do? Thank you.

Miranda

May 8, 2015 at 3:08 am

I am having a mixture of problems. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and I truly love him. We are both just starting college and he feels that he won’t have enough time for me because he is also working two jobs. Even though he loves me, he says he doesn’t think it is fair to me that he can’t see me as often as he would like. I have tried to explain that even though he feels like this, we have to go through difficult times to get to the better but he keeps saying it just isn’t fair. I really don’t know what to do at all and I have nobody to turn to. We have never fought throughout our relationship and I don’t want to sound silly, but I know he is the one.

Miranda

May 8, 2015 at 2:34 am

I am having a mixture of problems. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and I truly love him. We are both just starting college and he feels that he won’t have enough time for me because he is also working two jobs. Even though he loves me, he says he doesn’t think it is fair to me that he can’t see me as often as he would like. I have tried to explain that even though he feels like this, we have to go through difficult times to get to the better but he keeps saying it just isn’t fair. I really don’t know what to do at all and I have nobody to turn to. We have never fought throughout our relationship and I don’t want to sound silly, but I know he is the one. What should I do?

Evan

May 7, 2015 at 11:26 pm

Hey Chris! First off, appreciate the website. I’m not sure if I want my ex back yet or not but I’m using the 30 days of no contact to hopefully sort all that out (and just get my life back on track). It’s something I hadn’t considered before so 2 weeks in, it’s pretty effective.

In paragraph #2 of “I broke the no contact rule, what now?” it states that you’d talk later in the article about what to do if your ex contacts you but it was never really discussed. Do you have another article about it that I’m just missing on the main page?

I’m struggling because he has been texting me telling me that he made a mistake and it doesn’t feel right with anyone else and he thinks about me at night and blah blah blah. Every once in a while he’ll post something on social media obviously meant for me. I haven’t responded, obviously. But it’s hard to be around that…I’m considering blocking him for the time being.

Do you have any suggestions for exes that are a little more emotional and clingy? How do I focus on myself when he’s constantly telling me he made a mistake? It’s making me question everything.

Ae Ra

May 7, 2015 at 4:34 pm

Hello Chris,

I just wanted to thank you for your work. I’ve read almost all of your articles these days because I’m going through a very painful breakup, and reading them really help me. I felt like loosing my mind before coming on your website so thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

ska

May 7, 2015 at 12:15 pm

Hi Chris,

How long should I do NC if we only dated 3 months and was never in a relationship. I walked away and he agreed with it since he couldn’t give me anything exclusive or a commitment. Thank you

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