The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Natalia Lopez

June 15, 2015 at 7:52 am

Hi chris. Me and my ex broke up about a month ago. Is it too late to do the no contact rule? We’ve talked and texted but do you think it would work?
sophia

June 10, 2015 at 4:04 am

Dear Chris,
I hope i get a reply from you i really need your answer.
We met online 7 years ago and from 2 different worlds im from middle east and he is from uk. Any way he is 8 years older than me im now 30.
He promised me to marry me and he really loved me from the first second. He said he would cone to my country to marry me. We spoke for 2 hours on skype everynight he was really romantuc to me for the first 3 years then he got cold and stupidly i continue the relationship hoping he would come and meet me soon and we would get married as he promised. He never talked about marriage or meeting me anymore everytime i asked he just didnt want to talk. And he became rude to me little by little while i always avoided any arguments cis i realky loved him abd never wanted to lose him he didnt say happy birthday to me for the last 3 years abd when i reminded him he got angry. The last year he was super rude to me i dont know the reason while i trued to make him treat good to me by being romantic he still talked to me everynight but rude and said nothing really and it was me who talked he was just listening and saying ok or so. Never replied back any of my texts saying love u miss u and other romantic words. Anyway he kept insulting my religion im a muslem he insulted us all the time and once he said he hopes all middle east people die. It was too much to me i got tired of trying to have him. So i got cold after his last insult but i never left . He left me and didnt come online for 5 nights then he sent on yahoo messenger hi . While i was asleep. Then for 2 months he sometimes sent messages on yahoo messenger like how are u and so which i replied all of them in a good way. Then i told him i love him and i miss him why dont you come online everynight and talk to me. He replied rudely again that he wont come online everynight cos he was busy and had a backache and he feels sick of talking to me.
I was really heartbroken so i just said ok you dont have to talk to me.
And started nc as you said in your website. 5 days later he sent a message on yahoo messenger how i was i didnt reply 24 days later he again sent a msg on yahoo messenger saying you didnt answer if you was ok
I didnt reply then through your website i sent him a msg after 50 days of nc. I was too upset to send a msg after 30 days. I sent a message through yahoo messenger saying because i dont get on my messenger any more yes im ok living my life
I sent it yesterday but i havent got any repky. Chris please help me tell me is there any hopes to get him back i still love him waited on him for 7 years. Please answer me. he never tried to call me or send me a text or apologize cos he insulted me. Is there any hopes my nc lasted 50 days but nothing happened. Should i move on and live my life ?
KM

June 8, 2015 at 10:24 pm

Hey Chris,
I have a complicated scenario that is driving me insane and am not sure if it even applies here. I dated a younger guy for less than 2 months a little over a year ago. It was a fun sexy relationship, but it was also a rebound for me and I didnt expect to develop real feelings for him. He has a more avoidant attachment style and when i initiated a real conversation about how he felt, he got uncomfortable and said he “didnt think he could become emotionally attached or have a real relationship.” I was really sad but made the mistake of continuing to see him and hook up with him, while just feeling more and more crazy. Finally my over communicating and emotions became too much for him and he bowed out, claming that he would never date me again. But he also kind of strung me along and would elude to wanting to see me, yet only giving me vague responses to my messages. I, *clearly* tried way too hard to be close to someone that wasn’t mature enough for it. yet, my feelings never went away.
I ended up moving from the house I had been living in and it turns out that I moved (completely clueless where he had moved to) to a house a BLOCK AWAY from him!! When I confronted him about whether it was his truck that I saw, he confirmed that he did indeed live a block away, yet had a “serious” girlfriend. I had a feeling this wasn’t true, as he was still active on OKcupid and hadn’t mentioned her at all. I figured that he was just embellishing a new fling because he felt threatened about living so close to someone that over communicated with him so much. I was angry and I wrote him some long angry FB messages and removed him from my phone.

This was back in NOvember and he blocked me. It has become clear that he is still single (a mutual friend told me) and i have checked his OKC profile and he’s really active on it. I have (with some intention, actually) broken every rule in the dating book at this point and have acted like the creepy stalker ex. I left him notes on his car and even wrote him several times on OKCupid. I have crossed paths with him a few times and he has composed himself and been really cold. I have decided not to contact him anymore because it seems pointless at this time. YET- for the life of me i can’t get over him! I have dated 4 other guys since him and i still think about and dream about him. And now he lives one very small block from me!!

The strangest part of all of this is that although he has: rejected me, supposedly fell for someone else, blocked me, and has not spoken to me in over 8 months… I still have this feeling that he still wants me!! It was that fun between us and he’s avoidant.

I know this is long, but do you have any advice?? I read a comment you made above about 90 days being really risky for him losing interest. Well, what about 8 months haha? Am i fooling myself completely?
SUNNY

June 8, 2015 at 1:41 pm

Hi Chris 🙂 sooooo i have been in the process of NC and it’s my 21st day. And he’s the type of guy that would not do anything so yep, he never contacted me after the breakup happened and so did i. It’s just that i unfollowed him on insta, unfriended him on facebook, and deleted all our photos together (i kept some of the photos though in a photo vault app). I was hurt because he keeps popping on my news feed, posting photos of him being happy, hence what i did. With that, he also unfollowed me on instagram. Today, i saw a picture of this former fling he had with his flirty comment. And he knows very well that i was very jealous with this girl when we had our relationship. When i checked on his profile on insta (which was private of course), his bio said “Things end but memories will last forever.”

Now im confused. Because it’s almost the 31st day, which im supposed to text him and stuff. But with his behavior, do you think i should extend NC a little more? Or should I just let him be?

P.S. before we broke up, I gave him an ultimatum, giving him the choices of continuing our relationship or not, and he chose not to. Aaand our breakup was not that nasty. It was quite amicable in fact. The last thing I said was that I wish him the best in a friendly note.
Destiny

June 7, 2015 at 2:51 pm

Hi Chris… So my boyfriend broke up with me two nights ago. We were dating for 10 months and we even lived together. I broke the rule because I was in denial still so the next day I asked him to come over and I basically was begging him to give us a second chance but he said he was done. So I want to do this thirty day no contact rule but here is where it gets tricky. He left my apt and went to his moms and I did the same thing. He has to come back to move his things out so we need to get in contact for that. I’m waiting for him to contact me but when he does how do i go about it. And how do I handle being in the apt with him when he is moving everything out?
jessica

June 4, 2015 at 1:19 pm

hi chris, i was wondering if the NC going to work if your ex already know about the NC?
AL

June 4, 2015 at 4:13 am

Hi Chris! In this article you mentioned a 90 day no contact not being optimal…would you care to expand? I’m at college, broke up just 5 days ago. This summer my ex and I will be in different cities interning, and I know we will both be very busy doing our own thing. That’s great time for me to focus on improving myself. But the thing is, he has blocked me from EVERYTHING (and yes, I have read your other article about what to do you when your ex blocks you), even LinkedIn for pete’s sake. I am not too close to his friends, and they are fully sided with him so the mutual friend strategy is a no-go. Could you let me know your thoughts on me getting in touch with him once we’re back together on campus after a 3 month no-contact period? We’re on a very small campus so there is no doubt I will run into him at one point. I doubt that he will add me back on anything during the summer, so I am forced into this long period of no-contact anyway.

Thank you for all your help!

AL

June 6, 2015 at 12:13 am

Hi Chris, thanks for your response! But even after 90 days, if I follow the rest of your guide won’t that pique his interest enough to get him back? Or even better, ask him outright if we can start on a clean page, after 3 full months of self-change and improvement?
Chris Seiter

June 4, 2015 at 6:39 pm

I think 90 days is a high risk of an ex just losing interest altogether.

Lovisa

June 1, 2015 at 5:20 pm

Hey Chris! Should i do 30 days of no contact if me and my ex had a ‘good ‘ breakup? it was mutual because of stupid fights but we we’re happy almost all the time, and he said after the breakup that he still wanted to be with me,
Do you think there is a possibility that he moves on quicker than usual because we broke up as friends? or should i keep 30 days away from him?

Thanks! / Lovisa
Suze

June 1, 2015 at 8:07 am

This website is so good in helping relieve the pain of break-up and also inspires hope whether I get back with him or not. NC is essentially about me healing and restoring my dignity. I discovered I had many issues, one is getting into relationships too soon and two, not getting out when its seriously past its sell-by-date. I have co-dependency issues and so does he…the difference is I have started a Co-dependants Anonymous group. I still love and want my ex back, but I definitely don’t need him. NC allows space to work on myself. 30 days is hard (I’m into my 10th day) but if I am tempted, I tell myself I will contact him in a 2 days if the feeling is still there.
Guess what? The feeling passes.
Mariah

May 31, 2015 at 3:04 am

He broke up with me saying that he didn’t know why he was doing it, just that when shit hits the fan he runs. He said he couldn’t take the fighting anymore because we had had 4 arguments about things we didn’t see eye to eye on, we were learning about each other after only 4 months of being together. I called and texted him non-stop for three days afterwards and even walked to his house because he wouldn’t respond to me at all. He came over and dropped off some things and I tried talking to him but he just said I was being annoying and he wanted to stay friends and hopefully get back together in the future. After how I acted is it possible for him to see past those last confused and frantic days or will the 30 days not work? I’m on day 4 now and am scared he won’t even try and reach out to me. If I delete him and his mother off of Facebook will it look bad and make them dislike me even more?
M

May 30, 2015 at 5:49 pm

Hi Chris,

Great site and I’d love your opinion on how to proceed with my own no contact situation.

I got involved with a guy who I had been friends with for three years. He came on to me, and I gave it a chance as we already knew him well and enjoyed his company. However, before we did anything he was upfront and said that he has “other arrangements” and was only interested in something casual. I didn’t mind that so much, when I though he wasn’t looking for a relationship with anyone –at all, but it turns out that he clearly has an arrangement with another woman that seems to be a bit more than casual.

I am on day 9 of no contact. I didn’t want to be a bitch about it, so I sent him a message before I cut him off, explaining that I was going to have to block him on social media for a month because it was just something that I needed to do, and I promised to unblock and re-friend him in a month. However, now I am on day 9 of no contact, and I think that me initiating contact with him after the month is up would be a terrible idea.

It’s not as if he has no other way of getting hold of me, should he want to. Although we always used to chat on facebook messenger, he does have my phone number and email address. I feel that if I unblocked and re friend-ed him after the month was up, like I promised I would do, that would just put me back to square one: i.e. he would be confident that I would always be a possible option for him. I feel like the best thing to do is stay NC, unless he decides to contact me himself, even if that means breaking my promise to re-establish contact after a month. What do you think?
Crystal Johnson

May 28, 2015 at 4:12 am

Dear Chris
I did the no contact rule. Then i texted him afterwards he texted back of course. The next time i texted him i decided to allow the conversation to go a little farther not talking about our past or future together but the present i sent him a picture and we talked then afterwards he told me he felt sick. He told me to text him another time. I felt bad. So i decided i will text him the next day instead of later on that day. When i texted him i asked does it bother him that i text him and should i stop because i will. And he told me he feels that i could be the reason why his stomach was hurting and ever since we been talking he hasnt been able to sleep. But then he said its fine he doesnt mind. I was so confused thinking that he was gonna tell me to stop. Then i asked why. And he said nvm dont worry about it. I said nevermind what tell me the truth. Me thinking he was gonna say i really dont want you texting me im just telling to be nice was not his response instead it was i still love you now i have to go. I was once again lost and shocked at the same time. It was so soon. He told me thats all i need to know and to plz not ask anymore questions. I said i wont. Somehow we ended up on the phone i forget was it that night or the night afterwards but he was there again confessing his love for me. But this time in tears. He told me he cant sleep he stays up and think about me every night for the past week. He even made me cry a little. But thats because i suggested we change the subject and i did and i brought up an old game he introduced me to i told him i finally beat his score. This time he cried harder but while laughing. And he said i am so proud of you i knew you could do it. I felt accomplished. But i also cried and laugh. I dont know what to do he wants me back i want him too but idk i feel like he is moving to fastly i thought it was gonna take time for him to want me. But no, so plz give me advice. I need it. Should i take him back he walked out on me. Im just afraid he will do it again.
cheryl

May 26, 2015 at 4:10 am

Has the no contact rule backfired before? Well in my case, it did.. My ex didn’t text me for the whole week and if he does, its random messages and yes I did gave in and give short replies but then he never respond back.. So I decided to stop that kind of behaviour and not reply him should he ever text me. That’s what I did. I blatantly ignored his text and he kept texting me throughout the day saying that I was rude not to reply or say anything. And that night he unfriended me on Facebook. How am I suppose to deal with his temper tantrum? I should just walk away?

Chris Seiter

June 2, 2015 at 2:26 am

Its a risk.

It’s not perfect but I haven’t found a perfect way yet. NC is still the best.

Deal with the tantrum of an ex like you would with a tantrum of a child.

Esposito

May 19, 2015 at 5:55 pm

Relationship ended on jan 28, i called him like on time each week, emails, then two weeks in between and the last time was apr 5, then decided not to contact him anymore I blocled him on FB, WhatsApp EVERYWHERE just lime he did! On the 29 apri at 3:43am I received a private call with a whisperinf voice I know it was him he knows that I waked up at 3:30 to go to work… i asked for a name he said the name of our dog….. Then he started talking with normal voice but very low tone… He only asked what are you doing, where are you, are you in bed, those where the only things he asked I made a joke about the whispering voice and he laughed…. My question is… If he has told me a thousand times he does not want to talk to me, see me, call me, or have to do anything with me just because He has issues attitude anger issues and I talked to his parents so they can help him out…. And that is the reason he does not want ro know about me…. Then Why the private call when I finally stopped contacting him…??!?!?!?!

Esposito

May 19, 2015 at 6:04 pm

Why not call with his number, he is the one who has me blocked on his phone, he is the one who ended the relationship because I will not tolarate anymore humiliations and bad words for me mistreating etc…. I offered whim a thousand times to walk by his side thru therapy or something for his issues….. Why the call?

Colleen

May 19, 2015 at 1:38 pm

HI Chris,
My boyfriend and I were seeing each other for almost 2 years, it was a long distance relationship, but we made it work, his work brought him to my city quite often ( which was how we met) and I would travel to visit him in between those trips. We loved our time together, and when apart we spoke everyday on the phone, sometimes for hours just doing stuff together, and we facetimed whenever possible. Things were going great. We had talked about moving and decided I would move as he has two kids. We were planning our move, the kids were on board, things were sailing along. Then out of the blue he ends things, he told me he had realized as we were getting closer to the move being a reality he wasn’t ready for it. He wasn’t ready to commit and settle down again. I was blindsided and absolutely heart broken. He told me he loved me and our relationship was exactly what he would want if he was ready.. I stunned and shocked, I couldn’t believe it, He gave no indication of doubt before, actually he pushed for the move more than me. The day after our break up he called me to see how I was, I stupidly talked to him and thought maybe he was regretting the decision already. We continued to text and talk on and off for the next couple of weeks. Then again he calls me and says he needs space and needs to focus on him and his girls right now. He still loves me but us continuing to talk makes it hard. We ended that conversation and I made no contact. A week later he messaged , again stupidly I responded to him and after a few exhanges he just disappeared, no goodbye. So I resisted the urge and have made no contact since, that was 6 weeks ago. After reading your site and articles, I decided to send him a message , it was short and to the point, asking him about some things i had belong to him. He did message back and was quite chatty, I ended the conversation, indicating I had plans and had to run.
I don’t know what to do now. Do I simply wait to see if making contact has made him think of me, or do I contact him again, if so how long do I wait? I read the article but do I wait a day or two or a week or two.
I know LDR are tough to fix, but we were planning to live with each other, I knew his kids, and loved them, This wasn’t just a casual relationship. Looking forward to your thoughts!
Ashley

May 18, 2015 at 4:11 am

Hey Chris!
Thank you so much for your page. You have a way of normalizing this process and making me feel okay and at ease. I do have one question about the no contact rule. I implemented it on day one of the break up, which was Friday (5/16/15) then on Saturday night around 10:50pm he texted me saying “Just wanted to say that you are an amazing person and thank you for loving and caring for me so deeply. I’m sorry.” I did not respond. Then tonight, day two, (5/17/15) at 11:15pm he texted me saying, “Hey can we talk.” Again, I did not respond. Although I see the results from the no contact rule-I am wondering this-we only dated for two months. It got really serious really quick and we were BOTH in that direction. He was the first to say ‘I love you’ and what not. I’m wondering if the no contact rule should still be one month if it was only a two month relationship or if it should be two weeks/shortened. It just seems like 30 days is ALOT of time when we were not together that long. If 30 days should still be the no contact time period, I’ll oblige 🙂

Thanks in Advance!

Chris Seiter

May 19, 2015 at 6:37 pm

You can shorten NC in this case I think.

Terri

May 17, 2015 at 3:40 pm

Hi Chris, I searched but didn’t see this question- does the situation change if HE initiates the no contact rule?

My ex bf is the one who decided we should not be friends or in each others lives for “the foreseeable future”. We had been together for 2 years, he wanted to be with me for 4- wanted to marry me, and was endlessly devoted. And suddenly he wants to never see me again (or not for a long time).

Does this change the likelihood of the NC rule working?

Chris Seiter

May 19, 2015 at 6:24 pm

No, it doesnt

Annie

May 17, 2015 at 2:35 pm

Hi,
I’ve commented on here previously, I succesfully (with one hiccup at the beginning) completed NC, we were texting back and forth and then finally he told me he regretted the break up and asked if I’d like to meet up. I said yes and we made plans. Which he cancelled, I agreed to see him a couple of days later, I text him to confirm and he seemed cold, he said maybe and then we had a conversation about something else, I brought it up again and he didn’t reply. Is there some way I can counteract him being hot and cold? Or should I just give up, but even then, he made the first move. I’m feeling so confused, any advice would be great!
Kavya

May 17, 2015 at 10:23 am

Hey!
I’ve got a question for you. This NC rule, is it only applicable to get back your ex?
.
My bf and I are having a hard time. We are on the verge of breaking up. And he is soooo not ready to discuss anything concerning our relationship. Now all we do is argue. He is clearly irritated from all these fights. There are too many misunderstandings these days. And he doesn’t try to sort things out either. No matter how many times I ask him, he isn’t ready to discuss what’s going on.(And that’s a little annoying for me)
.
These days, he doesn’t show any affection. It’s as if he doesn’t care about me at all. We are hardly in touch (even when we do talk/chat, its me that initiates the conversation).
I am confused.
I feel I am being taken for granted these days, but i dont want to breakup yet.
.
I have decided to try the NC rule. (Hope he starts missing me)
.
What do you think? Any suggestion? Is NC rule a bad idea when we haven’t broken up yet?

Chris Seiter

May 19, 2015 at 6:22 pm

That is what I would use it for only.

LUV

May 16, 2015 at 8:13 pm

Hi Chris,

I was in Longdistance relationship from 2yrs my guy use to visit my city very often. he was very loyal and great lover too. he lost trust on me due to some mistakes i did. Bad me, But those mistakes were unintensional. but we were still going smooth and then problem arose when he started asking me for space in jan 2015 and the argument went on till march finally he asked for breakup which i wasn’t ready. i beeged him pleaded him but he neva felt okay to continue relationship. Suddenly he stopped talking to me from march 2015 he unfriended me from facebook. he blocked me from whatsapp, he stopped turning up calls/ messages of my friends nd his friends too. he wished me on my birthday on may 2nd that too via SMS. I do know what to do. Is he going to come back? or he do not need me? He also said me he doesn’t love me anymore, he lost feelings on me. He really meant’ all those? Am nothing without him. Please help me i am mentally sick thinking this day and night. Will I get my EX back? Should i follow NC rule. Iam the one texting/ calling him daily though he never respond. should i stop that also ?

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6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”