The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Elenora

July 6, 2015 at 4:38 am

Does this also work on guys who are–for various and sometimes elaborate reasons–unable to commit? I’ve been dating someone for 9 months who only sees me every 2 weeks or so. Our time together is always amazing, but he makes excuses to not see me, and sometimes ignores me for days. I’ve been playing it cool, but can no longer handle it.

Unfortunately, I have feelings for this guy. Today I let him know that I couldn’t keep up with him anymore, and to please not contact me again.

Will a 30 day NC challenge work on him, or does it have to be a guy who has already committed?

Thank you!
Amanda

July 5, 2015 at 3:55 pm

Hi Chris,
Will NC still work if my ex and I broke up about a month ago and during that time we were talking on and off? My ex has been playing games with me for roughly that entire time, and I stumbled upon your website while trying to figure out the meaning behind what he was doing. He told me that he wanted to be friends, but that he needed space. I never responded to his message and I haven’t contacted him in any way since then. It has been a little over ten days since I initiated the contact rule and I have yet to hear from him. However, I have noticed that he is starting to check up on me. Do I have a chance of getting him back or is it a lost cause?
Roxanne

July 5, 2015 at 9:25 am

Hi Chris, great article here thanks. I have a few general questions:

1) Will no contact work on dates only? (People who have dated for a few months but we’re never in an official relationship)

2) How do you show your ex that you have become or returned to become the ungettable girl?

Thanks in advance for your advice. If you already written about this in another article, please let me know as well!
J.

July 4, 2015 at 5:06 pm

Hello Chris. I’m a little embarrassed that I’m writing to you. I’m in my early 40’s, attractive, successful and seasoned at dating and long term relationships. It’s actually been awhile since I’ve had one. However, I met a man in 2013 and was crazy about him from the first date. He had come out of a terrible divorce several years earlier after being married for 18 years (she had an affair which ended the marriage). We broke up 4 months after we started dating because he was still a mess from his divorce. We got back together a few months later and have been together for 2 years. That was until a few days ago. We had a been bickering for a week and he all of a sudden decided we weren’t compatible. This after telling me things are better between us than they’d ever been and introducing me to his family and friends (they all liked me). He was grasping at straws telling me everything that was wrong in our relationship but then the real reason finally came out. I heard the, “I thought I was ready for a relationship. I don’t love you and don’t think I’ll ever love anyone again. My divorce has left me a mess. I don’t ever want to go through that again.” And that was it…. I have never been in this position before. I find it hard to believe that he stayed in this relationship for over two years and has no feelings for me. I’m a smart woman, I would’ve seen that. Every time he would get close, the walls went up.

So here’s my question… I love this man very much. The breakup conversation lasted 2.5 hours and ended with me in tears almost begging him (like an idiot) to stay. Who talks through a breakup for 2.5 hours?! I realize that he’s terrified of being burned again. He doesn’t understand that people in relationships can have moments when it’s not all sunshine and roses and that problems are worked through. As I’ve never experienced this type of breakup, do I follow your steps? Will they work when a man says I don’t love you and will probably never love anyone again? I’m heartbroken and if there’s a way to save this, I’ll do whatever it takes.

Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:56 pm

He is wrong about that bit that he will never love anyone again.

I definitely think after 18 years he is a little numb to feelings but down the road he will regain feeling again I am betting.

I think the best thing for you isn’t just to try to win him back but to do everything you can to get him to fall in love with you.
J.

July 4, 2015 at 7:35 pm

I meant to add….I’m not sure if this makes a difference but we ended things over the phone. He was going to come over and talk later in the week but I didn’t want to wait that long as I had a feeling the breakup was looming. The call ended when I couldn’t deal with it anymore, was crying and told him I had to go. I just hung up. What else can you do when someone tells you they don’t love you?

Alana

July 4, 2015 at 6:32 am

Hi chris, today im break up with my bf. Thngs just not going right. He told me that he feel enough about me. How do i should the NC rules if in this two months we will bot meet each other. Because of internship. What should i do? Is two months still allowed?

Lynx

July 11, 2015 at 2:03 am

NC can be more than a month, but it truly depends on how hard the breakup was. The harder the breakup, the longer it is. Two months should be the maximum.
Chris Seiter

July 9, 2015 at 12:00 am

You are only supposed to do NC for a month though.

marie

July 2, 2015 at 9:40 pm

So, what if he contacts me about mailing his stuff ?

Chris Seiter

July 9, 2015 at 12:15 am

You are allowed to break NC for this.

Sarah Petmecky

June 29, 2015 at 11:01 pm

I’ve got another complicated story. My “boyfriend” and I broke up this morning after a fit of childlike jealousy I had last night. I use boyfriend in quotes because we have been on and off for a little over 3 years now. Throughout our relationship, we had little tiffs, but we could always work it out. He asked me to be his girlfriend officially after a year of living together. We “broke up” about 9 months after that (May 14). He lived with me for 6 more months after that. At the beginning we were still just friends but slept in the same bed. I didn’t try and kiss him when we departed, but we continued to have sex. After he moved out, we continued to see each other and from the common definition of a relationship, we were together. But he says we never got back together. Now we are breaking up to work on ourselves as individuals. I was feeling a lot of depression and resentment from the career I chose. I felt a lot of stress at work and I brought it home and caused problems with him. I looked back in how he treated me in the past, and that caused me to feel resentment as well. I had been experiencing a lot of jealousy and loneliness in the past few months, it wasn’t really a surprise when he said it was done. But he wants to remain friends. I dropped him off at work after our break up this morning and he told me he would “talk to me later.” I want to ignore his texts if he does end up texting me, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He as well was very emotional about this break up. We really do have a tremendous love for each other, I can feel it and he’s shown it. But I set up these expectations of how he should act as my boyfriend, that he was pressured all the time. If I asked him to hang out and he was busy, he knew that on the other end when he told me he was busy there was a high possibility that I would be upset that he “never” has time for me. I know I need some time to experience my life and make my happiness my priority. I am leaving for Japan in 6 days, and will be gone for 36 days. I don’t want to ignore him through all of that. I feel he will become very upset because I never ignore his calls or texts. I also want him to miss me and realize that he wants me and what we have is special and something that is worth working on. Do you think I should ignore him completely? Or give him a warning? Like when I leave, I’m going to ask to be left alone? Can I reply to his texts, but keep them very short? I’m so confused.
Dana

June 29, 2015 at 5:05 pm

Hey I’m Dana. My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago after we had been dating for almost 6 months. He said he needed to clear his head and focus on himself for “right now.” But anyway I started NC then one night I went out with my girls, and I drunk called him. He answered the phone, but he seemed pretty confused. Do you think I’ve totally soiled my chances of getting him back or is there still hope for me?
beautylovelife

June 27, 2015 at 3:39 pm

hye chris, i just want to ask.. if let say, he text me and wish my birthday while im impliment my 30 days NC.. shouldnt i say thank u to him or just ignored him??

Chris Seiter

June 29, 2015 at 6:20 pm

Yup, you are supposed to ignore him.

Chelsea

June 27, 2015 at 12:21 pm

Hey Chris, before I tell you about my situation I just wanted to say that its probably not going to sound like everybody elses. By that I mean I’m not a ‘mature’ woman yet, and it could sound like a typical teenage stage in my life or whatever, but I feel that its still important (to me).

So basically, I’ve become very close to a guy at my college and we got so close that I asked him if he wanted to be with me and that was the first time I’ve ever had the guts to ask someone out because I’d usually wait for the guy to do that. On that night I went home and he told me he did, and then it was a yes and no game for a while and he kept changing his mind. He did say that he wasn’t leading me on or anything though, and that he really likes me but its because I live so far away. I don’t think its that far. Anyhow I’m trying to put this all together as short as I can but try to make sense, and we still talk. Even though he broke up with me he still kisses me, and he texts me everyday. Thing is, he can be really stubborn so I’m scared if I should try the NC rule or not because like you explained we get scared. I just don’t know if I can be that harsh… And I don’t know if it will just make him even distant.
Kassidi

June 23, 2015 at 5:34 pm

We been broke up 6 days. We’ve spent almost all of that time together. We still love each other very much. But we are not happy with ourselves so we decided we can’t make each other happy. I read your NC rule and started it 2 days ago. He is blowing my phone up and I feel so bad for not being there for him. Cuz we are always there for each other. We are best friends. I miss him… Should I keep doing the NC rule or is this situation different?
Thanks for the reply.
Michaela

June 22, 2015 at 7:39 pm

Hi Chris

I need help from anyone here.

I was in a super amazing relationship -up to about two months ago. Over jealousy, I argued with him, just prior to our first trip overseas. We were very serious about each other. The argument happened over messages from his ex on a fake fb account which she late denied to have done, but she was making me jealous with photos etc. I loved him (still do) VERY much, and out of fear of losing him, I aced stupidly and said the trip should be a break between us, the magic is killed, I don’t know if I feel the same about you, etc etc, this all over messages, whilst he was saying “this is just a mere road bump, I’m sure we can get past this”, “what are you talking about, this makes no sense” “I love you more than anything” etc etc. Then after I became cold and insisted on this for a couple of days, he broke up with me. Then I said please no, lets talk in person. We met in person and he said we are not compatible, he can see this happening again etc.

We caught up again two days later, he wanted to see some scrapbook we had made about us and have a chat to me. He still said it has gone too far, we can’t get back, then he had tears, then he said he still loves and adores me and once he finds out who is doing this to us (the messages through fb) we will probably get back together.

The day before the trip he sent me a teddy bear and chocolates and after i texted him thanking him, he asked me if he could take me to the airport the next day. I said yes.

He took me to the airport and we had dinner. We talked and he said we will talk when we’re back. He waited for hours whilst i queued for an international flight. Just watching me from the distance.

Then, we exchanged a few messages,where he would say it is over but claiming that he adores me but is scared i would do it again. For weeks, maybe a month, I messaged him, apologising, telling him how i feel, how stressed and under pressure I was during the time i was like that with him and the jealousy affected me. (By the way we had had other similar arguments on the same topic = same person, ex).

After a week he went back to the first day break up msg mode, just formal and cold. Towards the end of my trip, he ended contact with me, and sent me a text saying that he was glad that I was having a good trip etc etc, and that he will see me when I get back. The same day he unfriended me on fb, and so did his brother. I was upset so I sent him a message saying that considering he didn’t even want to be fb friends (he has never unfriended an ex before!) he can send my car and home keys by mail. He has been back for over 2 weeks now and hasn’t sent them.

It’s been almost a month now, that I haven’t heard from him. I went on a no contact two weeks ago and contacted him 4 days later to clarify something. So it has been about 11 days no contact from me and 28 days no contact from him. He is a really great guy, very well mannered and loving and caring.

I am told when he is asked by coffee shop guys (where he buys the coffee) about me, he changes subject. So if they ask “how is michaela and when is she back” he replies: how is your gf. He was asked on the first day back at work “how is michaela and how was the trip” he said “we weren’t together”.

What are your thoughts?
I know he loves me still. I know he genuinely saw a future for us but I think he now has made it big at home and might be embarrassed to take it back?

If he has decided, why hasn’t he given me closure, or why hasn’t he sent me the car and home keys?

Guys, I would love as much honest feedback as you can. I love this guy with my everything.

ps. He also said several times after the break up “it is disappointing beyond belief as I saw so much potential in us, I thought this was it”…

Michaela

June 22, 2015 at 7:43 pm

ps. He also gave mixed msgs. As he waited at the airport for me, he said he loved me, but wanted me to move forward, at the same time said he wanted to be in my life but in another capacity. But then he said we will talk when you get back. He hugged and kissed me so much, (just not on the lips).

DivineD

June 22, 2015 at 6:16 pm

Hey Chris,

I decided a couple weeks ago after dating this guy for a few months that I would begin to distance myself. So Thursday night he called and said “I think we should stop talking”. I replied, “Okay if that’s what you want to do.” He said OK and we both hung up. He text me, confirming we agreed to no longer talk. I said please delete my number and no longer contact me. He replies “Already did”….1am he texts me a link to a website to sell clothes (he knows I’m in the process of moving and need to get rid of some things). I do not respond. I proceed to add his number to the reject call list and block him from social media (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Skype). Friday night he calls 7:30…calls again 1am…begins calling from a different phone number 10 times back to back. I add the second number to the reject list. Saturday morning he calls again from both numbers 3 times. He then emails me saying “I know you know I’m trying to contact you, please contact me so we can talk briefly.” I do not respond. He accidentally butt dialed my work cell phone and left a voicemail of music playing (he was supposed to be attending a wedding I was uninvited to as his date). Sunday night he calls twice. No texts no voicemails.

I’m holding firm to the 30 day no contact rule, my question is — since we were only dating a few months, he seems needy and has been calling each day, should I consider shortening the timeframe from 30 days to 21 days ?
Amanda

June 22, 2015 at 5:08 pm

Well, I was with my boyfriend 4-5 months and we started fighting, I knew the reason and when I tried to change it he began to rebel. I got even more insecure and told him I was done. He said he agreed. We needed to split. The first 3 days I didn’t give him space. Begged, pleaded and he said all he wanted was space. I finally got tired of the chase, he started to be mean almost and I left it alone. He tends to reach out to me about once a week. We have simple conversation and somehow discuss the break up and why we arent together. Our last conversation was the “maybe we were never really in love” speech. I lost it. I decided to let him go. After all regardless of the faults no one deserves that crap. I been reading alot, just trying to understand things I guess and stumbled upon the NC rule. Not just your site and advice, but many others. In a nutshell, I blocked him and decided NC rule it is. Regardless our in and out, cat and mouse game was damaging to me. He had the upper hand.

I let him go and figured whether or not we get back together at this point it didn’t matter. We should have cut ties weeks ago when we broke up (now almost a month). I went out with friends over the weekend and actually had a WONDERFUL time. I was my irresistable and charming self. Getting hit on left and right and it just reassured me that I haven’t lost myself. So, I decided to check my spam for the first time in a week and since I blocked him…. He wrote to me, and I didn’t answer of course (not having knowledge of the text) and he sent another one an hour later explaining why he texted the first time. Then the old “are you really going to ignore me?” text. ALL OF THIS ON A SATURDAY NIGHT!

Do I like these games, HELL NO! I am 26 and he is 29. I mean we are GROWN! But, I guess my question is could this NC rule seriously work on someone as stubborn and clearly confused as him? It’s the weirdest thing to see him on the other end. Especially when he broke it off and claims he may have never been in love and stuff.
Jen

June 20, 2015 at 10:41 am

So my situation is insanely fucked up…. I was dating a married man and we fell in love during the affair. He kept ensuring that he will divorce her and and be with me and that I was his soul mate etc. When push came to shove he caved and said he can’t leave her and something is keeping him back.

I kept asking him to let me go, and he kept saying he can’t and that he loves me and even cried out “Why can’t I have you both” this was the last straw. I broke things off with him because he couldn’t make the choice. Now is there any hope that me freezing him out over the 30 day period will make him come to his senses?

Chris Seiter

July 9, 2015 at 12:48 am

Hi Jen,

There is no doubt in my mind that if you use the NC rule on him that it will work (or have a high chance of working since I can’t ever guarantee anything.)

But I feel I have to tell you this.

I personally don’t think he will leave his wife.

“Why can’t I have you both”

Pretty much spells out what he wants.

He wants a mistress and a wife at the same time.

Jill

June 19, 2015 at 8:18 pm

He broke up with me about 4 months ago. We were in contact because we worked together and didn’t have a choice. I only spoke to him regarding work with the exception of a couple of personal contacts early after the break up. He continually told me about a new girl he was dating. I never asked anything although I did give him some advice on a couple of this crazy decisions only because he has a daughter. I did ask him more than once not to talk to me about the new person he as dating. I explained that it hurt and didn’t understand why he insisted on telling me about her. He would get very angry. As the project ended our communication was less and less which was good. I did the best I could to keep it professional. We no longer work together and I have started no contact. It has been 2 weeks thus far. I stopped talking about him to my family and friends but still want him back even though he has a girlfriend and moved in with her. Please know that he broke up with me and 1 week later he was with her and decided to move in with her after only spending two weekends with her. They got engaged after 4 weeks of long distance dating. This is crazy to me and I would like to be back with him of course not where we left off. Is there a chance?
Macy

June 19, 2015 at 3:29 am

First, I’m a huge fan of your podcast. It is hands down the BEST relationship pod out there! I plan to download your ebook as soon as my first paycheck arrives (just finished college). Here’s my question: My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me, with only the vague explanation of, “he doesn’t like himself and “its him”, not me. We never lived together, but I do have a couple pieces of furniture there. I’m on day day 6 and would love some advice on how I should handle this. I don’t HAVE to have the furniture right away, but I feel like it may be good for him to see how things look without my couch and bed there….maybe? Or should I wait another week or so and go get my things? Also, I know you’re super busy but I would be forever grateful if you could give me an example of what the text should sound like when asking him when I should stop by to get everything. Thanks so much for podcast and great posts!
Kennedy

June 18, 2015 at 11:19 am

Hey there! I have a bit of a situation.. It all started when my mom passed away of cancer just before Christmas of last year. My now ex (of 2.5 years) was there for me through it all. He was my rock and support. Over the months, however, as I worked through the grieving process, I struggled to feel his love for me. I felt insecure, irritable, needy. I began to nag about insignificant things. We began to argue pretty often about the smallest of things. I know much of it was related to my frustrations about my mom, but he didn’t quite understand when I would try to explain that to him. After many conversations about working through our struggles and remaining a team, he finally hit his breaking point two weeks ago. We broke up. The reality of the situation hit me hard and fast and forced me to realize all of the things I was doing wrong in the relationship (despite the unfortunate circumstances I was dealing with internally). I apologized. I spilled my heart. I asked for one more chance to no avail. He now says he loves me enough to know and admit that he cannot give me what I need RIGHT NOW and that he feels this is the right thing to do RIGHT NOW (I’m about sick of hearing “right now”!) He finally said that he owes it to himself to see if there is someone else out there for him. He then went on to say that this isn’t like he is breaking up with me. It’s like a break from each other…but it’s permanent until there comes a time when we may both want to try to work things out together. I understand it all and at the same time it seems impossible. I planned to try NC, but failed at first and I’m glad I did because we had some good conversation about where we stand. I’m wondering now if you think it would be best to implement NC for the next 30 days? Or to just let him go as he is already open to dating other potential girlfriends/wives. Thank you!
lady

June 18, 2015 at 5:02 am

Okay I have been on and off with this guy for almost a year but the pass 4 12 months we were good but like always he ends up telling me u do or thing I do mine and this last time he said I need space right now we are both young I’m 18 his 17 but this keeps happening and when I ask him do you wantw to leave you alone he won’t ever say yes to leave him alone won’t answer the text but he can be on social media ,but I have decided this time I will keep of social media myself to not post anything this time around ,but I have found he is always on there more so I really care for him but this on and off with him is old now I am sure you advice will be walk away but I have done that before but he always find a way to come back and get to me through social media how can u help
Rhonda

June 16, 2015 at 4:42 pm

What if he txt asking if i want something of mine (car) I left at his house? Does this apply if we have children and a court agreement to exchange the child weekly? 4 year relationship..

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6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”