The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

liezl

July 24, 2015 at 3:30 pm

hi Chris,
I needed to post this again as i really need your help. i broke up with my ex because of his flirty nature via text ,messaging only (the worst) u can imagine, anyway, i am on my 9th day of NC after giving back his valuable items which he asked for. Chris, should I include the days of NC prior to giving back his items coz its like Business is Business thing…..second, he consistently is messaging and calling me an even proposing via text! right this very momrnt iam typing this if i include NC from the day broke up with him its already 19 days…I love him and i feel he is sincere…should i wait till i complete the 30 days? and the EBR book good also for single women without exes?coz a friend would like to get insights about men so would u recommend?thank so much and more power, Chris! you’re brilliant!
Liezl

July 24, 2015 at 2:22 am

hi Chris,
I need to post this again as I really need your response. First, is your ebook on ERP still be insightful to those say who just want to know about men? Second, I broke the NC rule because like you said Business is Business as he needed to get his valuable belongings from me. My question is, does that mean after i break the NC rule ( although its necessary) i need to start counting again for 30 days NC or i continue counting since when that happened i was on my 9th day already. OHH hope you get the chance to read and reply to this.FYI, he is continuously messaging me up to this date. NC works! You’re brilliant, Chris!
heartbroken

July 23, 2015 at 6:22 am

My ex and I broke up a month ago. It was our second round of trying to make it work. He came back the first time around and apologized and said he “sees something in us.” We got back together, I moved in and thins went bad. I found he had a lot of control mannerisms and was extremely angry when we fought. I was blamed for it all and he told me to leave. So, I packed up and left. Recently, 26 days went by in no contact and he wrote me an email saying how we were not right for one another. I responded, asking him to call me and he did. He was angry on the phone and continued to blame me. On the 26th day of no contact, does that mean I broke no contact? If so, I need to start over but do closure emails from them really mean it’s over?
LIEZL

July 21, 2015 at 9:42 am

I need your help on NC rule. my bf and I broke up 2 weeks ago,but mid week he messaged me about getting what he belongs to him which is in my custody. Since “business is business” i messaged back that yes I will drop the valuable item to his friend (just like what he said in his email) from then on he started messaging me via email, sms, WA b up to today. However, should i start all over again in counting 30 day of NC from the day i replied to his email? Thanks so much. and one more thing. your Ebook ERP, would it be insightful to women who are single? ( i meant to exes to get back ?)
Susan

July 19, 2015 at 10:01 pm

Hi Chris,
I broke up with my BF of 2 years a couple of days ago. Other than texting him to tell him I was getting my stuff from his apartment and leaving my key I have not had any contact with him. I broke up with him because after 2 years he said he didn’t love me as much as I love him. I told him I loved him totally and completely. I felt that I couldn’t stay in such an uneven relationship. The problem is now I am missing him so much. He does love me, just not as much as I love him. I’m afraid I’ve really blown it. Do you think the no contact rule can help in this situation?
Seattle Girl

July 18, 2015 at 6:27 am

Hi, fake name, real email. I was with my boyfriend for 2+years. Towards the end it became a volatile relationship full of arguments, physical and emotional abuse. I’m on day 3 of NC, and I don’t want to break it, however my dilemma is that he and I are supposed to be at a friend’s wedding next week. We actually have to walk down the aisle together. I know myself, and I know I’m gonna crack and fall apart because although he was abusive, I’m still in love with him. He knows my weaknesses, and knows how to play to them. Please, please, please, I need some advise on how to deal with this. I can’t bail on the wedding. I don’t know what to do?
JD

July 18, 2015 at 2:59 am

Hi Chris,

My fiancee and I were together 2 years and the week of our anniversary she ended our relationship. Of course I pleaded for several weeks for her to reconsider to no avail. We live 50 miles apart and had been trying to get the other to move to our own city. I agreed to move to where she lives but she said she isn’t happy and nothing changed. However, when I surprised her early one morning to get my items she cried and said maybe we could reconcile after her daughter goes to college. She had been stressed out about her daughter leaving (empty next syndrome) and was also stressed about losing her job, She has since started a new job. I am currently on day 14 of N.C. What do you think my chances are that she will miss me/reconsider? Thanks
Angel

July 17, 2015 at 7:41 pm

I’m in the middle of NC but he is leaving for basic training soon. Do I break it or see if he will before he leaves? We were never official and he broke it off on good terms, and he broke it off because of basic.
aisling

July 17, 2015 at 6:03 pm

I MESSED UP. My boyfriend broke up saying he sees me as a friend and I’ve been doing the NC rule. Were LDR so I use Kik to text him. I clicked into his messages after he wanted to see if I was okay after less than a day of LDR. In sure it was only a platonic way. I read them and he can see I’ve read them. Now the NC won’t be good because he sees I’ve read it. I was hoping he’d get super worried but now he won’t. Because I’ve read them. What do I do to make it better
Tina

July 17, 2015 at 12:09 pm

Dear Chris,

Just a quick question – I am in a situation that a guy seems to like me but we only meet once a week and I told him this is not what I want. We were not in contact for 4 days already and I am willing to use the NC rule. However, we are supposed to go to his friend’s wedding next week and he did not cancel it. I want to use NC rule but I do not want to be rude – so, should I go? I will not be able to avoid dancing with him or at least sitting next to him… Another problem is that his birthday is 2 weeks from now. Should I at least send him a text message on his birthday or ignore it? I just hate the idea to be so rude 🙁 Thank you in advance! Tina
Trista

July 16, 2015 at 9:45 am

Hi Chris, I had a question for you about a problem I have been having with a very old friend. This guy and I have known each other for at least 7 years, and I have always held some level of feelings for him though at the time, we were rather young (17 or so) and I was moving away from the area. It just would not have worked.

Well, I’m 25 now, and recently on a trip to Austin with my brother, I met up with this guy.. and he begged me to date him. So, I told him.. “lets try” even though at the time I had fallen out of a difficult relationship that I was in for about 3 years.

Now, I am not horribly experienced with dating.. however, I know when someone wants to be with me. This guy drove 200 miles, every 2 weeks to come and visit me. He would stay with me a week at a time, and during that time he would do literally everything with me.

It was incredible how patient he seemed to be.. however recently, after 6 months of us going back and forth, and several weeks of him going silent, then not silent as far as phone calls and such.. he told me he wanted to split up.

When I asked him why, the response was awful. “You just bother me. Some of the things you do and say just irritate me.”

He did not elaborate on those things, but said he still loved me and that he did not want to lose me as a friend. I of course got angry with his response, as I am a very reactive person, and kind of yelled at him about what he had done.

He had broken up with me in a text message, which was rather terrible.. given the distance between us.. and he never talked to me about any of the things that had been bothering him. I feel somewhat betrayed by that. I asked him to be honest with me when we chose to get together, and he just kept things to himself.

He told me that I was smothering him, I assume with the one or two text messages a day I would send him, and that he needed space.

I have contacted him since to see if things could be worked out between us.. I do not want to lose him as a friend, he is very precious to me.

We began as friends.. will this no contact method work to get him back some day?

As a friend or otherwise?

Chris Seiter

July 16, 2015 at 5:59 pm

Its not really meant for friends…

Caileigh

July 16, 2015 at 4:29 am

Hi Chris I stumbled upon your site today in a search to find answers. Some things I’ve read have been helpful but some things just don’t seem to fit my situation. My boyfriend of four years ended things a week ago. We have been together since 10 grade after a year apart following a three month relationship in ninety grade. I was completely blindsided by the breakup and I admit I haven’t handled it great. I understand most people will judge my feelings because of our ages. But for five years I’ve known my love for him was real and deep and I’ve always felt like he was it for me. I still have that feeling but now I’m scared of how to go about things. I see from everything you say I need to implement the NC. This scares the crap out of me because I worry he won’t care or notice. He ended things because he hasn’t “felt right” for a few weeks. The timeline of these wrong feelings started around his 20th birthday. It’s been a rough week full of all the wrong things on my part but he hasn’t told me to shove off. That’s what makes it hard. He says he doesn’t regret our time together and he will always miss parts of me but he isn’t sure the relationship is right for him and he can’t give any straight answers on how he feels. He’s the most realistic and kind person I know. His main problem is that he’s never been able to express his emotions. He tells me he knows he loved me but isn’t sure he still does. He keeps saying he cares about me and wants me to be happy and he wants to be my friend. He swears we will always be best friends. I told him I don’t think I can trust him again which he said makes him hurt because he wants my trust if he decides he wants me back. But he just doesn’t know anything and it’s driving me crazy. I’m all kinds of hurt and all kinds of confused.

Caileigh

July 16, 2015 at 6:20 pm

Can you give me any insight into what’s going on in his head? He doesn’t like sharing and I feel like he doesn’t understand himself. Is this a coming of age kind of thing? Does he just need to find himself first before being committed to me?
Chris Seiter

July 16, 2015 at 5:59 pm

I think he will notice. Even if he doesn’t say anything to you internally he will notice.

Confused Girl

July 13, 2015 at 11:04 pm

Hi Chris,

So I already left a voice message, but I thought I write on here if you maybe like to know more or if anyone else has advice. By the way, I really enjoy your website. Very interesting. Can’t wait to get the book once I get a job, hopefully sometime soon (crossing my fingers!).

So me and boyfriend had broke up about two months ago. I was the one to break up with him. However I once I chose to, I realized I messed up. So about a week before our break up, my boyfriend had texted me asking for a short break. I never been in a relationship before (I am 20 by the way) so I did not know what to think. We had been dating for 6 weeks by then and everything seemed well. I called and asked him about the break. He said it was because of family issues and finical stuff. However I had my doubts since about two weeks before, it felt like he was drifting away. (I am from out of town and we go the same college. I am back in my hometown for the summer).

I am know a good amount of his coworkers and friends since he had once bragged about me to everyone he knows. Any who, about a week after our break I decide to contact one friends of his, whom I thought was a generally a good guy. This friend rooms with my ex. So I asked how was my ex doing and if he had known about the break. Initially I was paranoid that my ex wanted to break up with me.

The same day, I asked my ex if we could talk about the break. He said sure. The next day, I let him know I when I was free. He never responded. Mind you I had sent this text earlier on in the day. And he know I come from a very conservative, Muslim family so I have to time my calls to certain times of the day.

Upset and it now close to 9 pm, I texted his roommate about my ex. Instead I am met with flirting and him hitting on me. Disgusted, but trying to be nice, but also trying to figure out what was going on, I told his roommate I was flattered but I care for my now ex. Any who I felt his roommate was beating around the bushes and I got him to answer if my now ex wanted to break up with me. And he said yes.

Out of anger I texted my ex I was breaking up with him. But apparently he was going to call me around 11pm, after his work. And in the end, his roommate tricked me into thinking my ex didn’t care for me and that he only used me for…well you know. Another friend of his, a close friend of mines and my best friend’s boyfriend, stepped in and let my ex know what was up.

About a week later, my ex contacts me and says we can be friends but that is as far as it goes until I gain his trust back. However he started to flirt with me and I was confused. About two of this, I asked what are we. “Friends”. I asked if there was a chance that could be something more. “We will see”.

Sorry that was long. But I have been doing the NC for about a month now (will be a month this coming Thursday). For the most part I haven’t seen him since leaving for the summer. And I am just wondering…am I in the end being played? Is he just stringing me along like some booty call? Also I am back at my college for classes and he works at the food court at my dorm. Should I keep avoiding this place till the end of 30 days?
Samantha

July 12, 2015 at 6:51 pm

So I’m pretty sure I know the answer to this but I need some help. My boyfriend cheated on me after about 4 months into our relationship we broke up for a bit and ended up getting back together with us both making some changes in our lives. It was good for awhile but then the trust issues came out. He was always worried I was gonna do something to get back at him and then I would start worrying that he would do it again. So we broke up a few times during the relationship, no more than a week that was the longest and got back together. I had originally tried the NC during that week and failed obviously. But once we got back together things were going good, we both were committed to making the relationship work and focusing on us and the now instead of the past. As a couple we both made changes, good ones, to avoid situations and the issue of cheating never came up again. We were together for a whole year after that week break before he said he wasn’t happy and we broke up. Two days later he’s friends with this girl on facebook and making plans to see her and spend the night at her place. Is it a rebound? A way to try and move on? Just a hook up? Or is he just lonely? I guess my main question is and I know I’ll know the answer in 30 days, but is he worth getting back with?
Antonia

July 10, 2015 at 11:34 pm

Hi! I really messed things up with my ex, we had a troubled relationship where he was very eager to live together and I wasn’t so sure. For a while we were on and off, mostly because of me if not entirely, then after a huge fight we stopped talking to each other for 3 months. During that time I was super ok and did the NC rule naturally without knowing about it. After that, we started talking again (first as “friends”) and he started to make all efforts to get back together. When we finally got back, I was completely in love and willing to move in with him, but stilll confused and proud. After 3 months he dumped me because we were fighting too much. I got desperate and didn’t give him any break whatsoever, called, texted, cryed, got really really really crazy – like him, actually, when was the other way around. I really pressured him, stalked him, did everything wrong… During this period we still got out together and it was clear that he still had feelings for me but was determined not to get back together. I got sick of this situation and stopped talking to him again, for about one month maybe longer, but mostly stayed at home really depressed, and then crack. Texted him that I wasn’t getting over, that I was very sad, and he agreed in metting me. Book a date wasn’t necessary because the next day we met by chance in a restaurant. We were really surprise and clearly still in love, bouth got goose bumps and nausea, neither finished their meals. We started to go out again, he said that he loved me, and for a little more than a week it was all roses.
Then one day we had a date and he canceled at the last minute saying “he was tired” (aham). I didn’t fell for it and pressure him into telling me the truth and he confessed that were the chance of him going out with another girl that night. Of course I got crazy and 3 days latter we talked/fighted over the situation, I opened me heart, he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship again, that he was better off alone, blablabla. Of course, less than one week he was going to the beach – with her – in one month she moved in with him and that’s been two months ago. We had some fights during this period then he blocked me out of Facebook.
I know this guy was really crazy for me and I was crazy for him, but now I’m afraid I’ve lost him forever. He seems real happy with her and my heart couldn’t be more devastaded.
I was going to start the NC rule now, but giving a second thought, it seems too late. Is it? There is even a chance, in your opinion?

Chris Seiter

July 16, 2015 at 10:21 pm

Its not too late I don’t think.

Could it have been sooner, sure!

But it’s not too late.

Helen

July 9, 2015 at 12:44 am

Hi, my ex left me three weeks ago after just coming home from a holiday we spent together. We have been on and off for two years always getting back together because I have made him realise. We met up after twenty eight years ago and he is the love of my life. But family issues have put so much stress on our relationship. I recently lost my mother which hasn’t helped. But this time I have begged and pleaded with him but he says it is impossible this time to get back together. He came to see me last night and we slept together. But he stormed out later because I was discussing the past etc. He blames me for everything that went wrong. We use to be so very happy.
I have never done no contact and I am finding it so hard. Tonight he has emailed me to wish me well andnever to contact him again. I am completely distraught and heartbroken as I love him so much.he says he misses me but he seems to want a single life and is listening to his friends and his daughter who doesn’t really like me. Your thoughts would really help thanks.
Hel
J.

July 9, 2015 at 12:27 am

Thank you Chris for you reply. I’ve been trying to get him to fall in love and I honestly thought I succeeded. I’m doing your 30 day no contact rule but am of course hoping he contacts me. It’s the end of week 1 and no joy. I understand what you’re saying about getting him to fall in love with me but I have to get him to come back around as well. Do you think at this point it’s a lost cause? Let me add, he and his wife split in 2009 – years ago. I just don’t understand why he would spend 2 years with me if he dind’t love me – or maybe it’s just denial…Thank you again.
Liezl

July 8, 2015 at 2:08 pm

HI Chris,
I need your help .I broke up with my bf of 5 years after discovering that he is exchanging lust/sexual languages/interest via phone messaging to this girl who he has known 9 years! N, i got an email from his best friend telling me that i need to re think as there was no romantic connection between my bf and the other girl. my concern is , should i email back or stick to my NC rule? thank you.
Elenora

July 6, 2015 at 7:38 pm

One more question about a guy who won’t commit–not a guy I was ever official with, but we always had an amazing time:

Will going NC for 30 days and following the steps in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro Guide make a guy step up and claim me?

I would like to purchase your guide, but need to make sure it will also work on the guy who just wanted to keep things casual.

Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:34 pm

Yes, this guide is effective for that.

Sara

July 6, 2015 at 6:10 pm

Hi Chris

Me and my bf broke up about 2 months ago. We kept in contact at first and he kept saying he “didn’t want to be together now if ever”. But he would still text me everyday and get upset with me if I ignored him so I know he still cared. Eventually we kept fighting and he removed me from some social media and I deleted him from fb. About 3 weeks ago I started the NC rule and he only tried to contact me once before he realized I was ignoring him. Was it too late for me to start using the NC rule? we had been broken up for about a month and a half at the time that I started it. Do you think it will still work?

Thanks

Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:35 pm

Nope it wasn’t too late.

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6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”