The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

CJ

August 13, 2015 at 9:34 pm

Hi Chris,

On mental changes, how should I deal with the thought and feeling of loss? It’s been just 4 days since my breakup with an ex of 9 months, and I find myself thinking that I’ve lost someone amazing (handsome, very good to me, and great values, etc.). Then I get very sad. Should I just temporarily ignore those thoughts during the 30 days of NC? I just can’t seem to get over the fact that I lost someone great.

Thank you for your help.
Alex

August 13, 2015 at 11:15 am

I (19) was going out with my ex (18) for 6 months. We broke up twice and both were my decision to do so as I felt he didnt show me the love and affection I deserved and almost enjoyed playing with my emotions because I am a needy person and he definitley isnt. I allways drove/ cooked/ practically mothered him even taking him to and from work, my rooms like a hotel suite and I waited on him hand and foot. Nothing was ever enough to ask though because I love him. The 2 times we split he allways begged for me back as I’m going to be honest he was lucky to have me but nether the less I see the very BEST in people and thought he was amazing.Everyone told him he didnt deserve me and He knows this.We split last tuesday and he decided that he wanted his stuff back and said some pretty derogatory things toward me. I decided it was definitley over so foolishly I got drunk and slept with an aqquaintance of his. The next day I told him to his face even though I was single and he hadnt been that nice to me. And as expected he went ballistic ( smashed phone/hand etc) he has said some awful things toward me and I havent slept or ate because i feel SO GUILTY and ASHAMED with myself, I feel like I have Cheated. Last night he text asking if I was going to a mutual freinds house as he was there . I havent replied and I am going to try and not contact for 30 days? Any advice.

Alex

August 14, 2015 at 2:02 am

Update ** he has liked a status my dad has wrote on facebook congratulating me about my recent A Level results. I am suprised he hasnt deleted me off instatram and facebook aswell.Due to his immature age I am worried he gets angry at no contact rule. This site has been an absoloute blessing for me as it has supported me in the best way possible.
Chris Seiter

August 14, 2015 at 4:02 am

Glad to hear it’s helping you through this.
SnowWhite

August 14, 2015 at 1:58 am

Alex, you’ve done nothing “wrong”. Your ex is a complete [insert whatever term you like]. You simply smashed his false pride ‘the Ego’ and that explains his behavior. Do take Chris’s advice to be more ‘logical’, if your ex wasn’t stepping up to the plate — he’s got a bad case of ‘path of least resistance’ while you were shouldering the relationship. Turn the switch the other way. Be your unique YOU and romance will be sticking to you like a magnet (either from ex, or form someone….gasp… worthier). Cheers!

Birch

August 12, 2015 at 6:07 am

Hello Chris,

I have already purchased ur book, and I have been reading thru the book lately and it helped a lot.

However the situation I am having right now maybe different and I do hope that u can help me with it.

My bf and I have been dated for 6 months and he always says we do not click. He doesn’t put in any effort and I feel like I am the only one that wants to save the relationship.

He brought up the break up speech for a couple times but I always beg him back. He brought that up abt 10 days ago and I begged him but he said he needed time to think. We didn’t not talk for a few days n he asked me to come out one day but I sense that it cud be a break up speech so I didn’t go. He then asked me again this week and I didn’t agree to meet either. We r only texting 1-2 texts each day. I have a gut feeling that he is breaking up with me.

I don’t want to, of course. I didn’t go in the no contact either as we r not officially broken up yet …. But I can feel that he is drifting away.

Can u help with the situation?

We used to text a lot but he was not very into texting,except for the beginning of our relationship. In the past days I have been dramatically decreasing our texts. I am worrying if this wud greatly affect the quality of the no contact rule in the future as I feel like I am helping him to get used to the no text days.

I have told him that I feel he is not putting effort, and he said that he felt shut down abt this relationship.

I am worried.

We have no common interests or frds and he said there’s too much diff between us. He sounded like pretty determined. I feel hopeless.

Please help, Chris. I left u a voice mail when things weren’t too bad, but now it seems quite inevitable.

Thanks,

Birch

Birch

August 12, 2015 at 6:11 am

I should add that he chased me at the beginning, and he said that I was not attractive Becuz j have no personality. I think I was too easy for him, too soon for sex n never fight with him. Too low self esteem…. How can I get him back if he has completely lost interest? R there any hope? I wud be a Kai, but please let me know what I shud do now….

Cindy

August 11, 2015 at 2:39 pm

You said this works for teenagers in high school too. I am a senior this year. What if I see him almost everyday in the halls or have a class with him?

Chris Seiter

August 13, 2015 at 12:26 pm

Use Limited contact, be friendly but aloof.

Crystal

August 11, 2015 at 3:39 am

Hi Chris, I read through a few of your articles and purchased your book. I want to say that I’m eternally grateful for the information you provided. It was very interesting and helpful. I am no stranger to NC Rule, having used it even in on-and-off friendships or ones that ended in heated arguments. But I still learned quite a bit.

Currently I am in a bit of a rut with this guy who takes me for granted. We dated for a year and a half and things were good. Strong sexual attraction etc. BUT our relationship sort of expired. He’s very much taken me for granted because I was unemployed and had no friends during that year. Even after explaining this to him, he didn’t see it and continued taking me for granted. As a result he changes his mind often and expects me to talk to him, etc. I did try a 40 day period of NC where I found a job and went to the gym. I cleaned up mentally as well, became a lot happier and more confident. Unfortunately even this did not “fix” him. I was very surprised as all my friends cleaned up after NC, but some took as long as 1-3 year(s) (these were lifelong friendships where we were very close). He still pretty much never thinks I will leave even when I say I will. I talked to my friends. I looked at other forums where girls had similar issues and the consensus was always something like, “Best not to end up in this situation to begin with. Either 1) NC or 2) Move on.” I realized I deserved better so I told him we should do NC last time. I’m now skeptical because like I said, he basically never changed even after so much work.

Do you have any advice? I was thinking a longer period of NC but it is TOUGH. Thank you.
Chala

August 9, 2015 at 5:24 pm

Hi, I was seeing (we were not officially dating) a guy I really liked for three months before we got into our first argument. After that, he began blowing me off to hang out with anther girl. After about two weeks of him making excuses and me not seeing him, I finally texted him and told him that we shouldn’t hang out anymore. At first he replied with “Ok.” Then later that night he texted me again with another excuse, followed by, “but do whatever you feel is best.” Because that was my first day implementing the no contact rule, I did not respond to his text messages. It’s been a few days, and he hasn’t texted me again. Will the no contact rule work for my situation as well? I want him to realize he messed up and hopefully make me his girlfriend when we do start talking again, but I also am not sure whether or not he has completely moved on with this new girl… Help me please!
Jane

August 8, 2015 at 1:39 am

Hi Chris! How do i make the no contact rule work when my ex boyfriend and i are co workers? We are both lifeguards and i have to see him a few days every week.

Chris Seiter

August 13, 2015 at 12:45 pm

Limited contact.

Marie

August 6, 2015 at 10:39 pm

Hi Chris,

Wow what a great site and what wonderful insights you have into relationships. I’m so excited to read your pro book! My bf of seven months broke up with me two days ago because he was going to the US for two months to sort out some family issues and said he was unsure of his feelings for me so he didn’t want me to miss him (kind of a misguided gesture because a broken heart is so much worse than simply missing someone). He said that he was unsure of the next level and I said I was too which made him try to retract the breakup by saying he should have gained some perspective overseas and worked it out before talking to me but I wouldn’t let him because he also said he felt he should be falling in love by now and I was hurt by that in the heat of the moment.

He said that he’d still call me from overseas and I asked him not to because not talking to him for at least six months would be the only way I’d get over him. He then said I could email him whenever I wanted to and I said I wouldn’t be doing that either – to which he started uncontrollable crying. I wish now I’d asked him why he was crying so much when he was the one breaking up with me (I was teary but not sobbing).

We’ve had a really good seven months, fun hanging out together and the only downsides have been he’s been really slow to let me into his world and I became a bit high maintenance with princess-like behaviour in the last month. He knows that I love him but he’s only said that he cares about me a lot.

Anyway, I feel like I’m off to a good start. Two days of NC at all since he left my house. I’ve wanted to text him a hundred times and have fallen apart many times at work and with my friends but he’s received nothing but silence (he’s been on a plane for 24 hours of that time but NC is still NC!).

My question is, do you think NC and your plan could potentially work in this situation given that he’s said he’s unsure of his feelings and thinks he should be in love with me by now?

It’s day three now and I feel a lot calmer about everything but still want him back more than anything.

Thanks and PS when I read your comparison about the Lamborghini vs the Mustang I felt like I’d nailed it when I told him we had to cut off all contact!!!

xx

Chris Seiter

August 12, 2015 at 9:13 pm

Hey, Thanks for the compliments. Yes I think it could work for your situation as long as your strict about it. Your probably going to have to through some competition in there for him to get him to feel “in love” with you. It will just remind him of what he’s lost.
Marie

August 6, 2015 at 11:26 pm

I should also add that in six weeks time he’ll be back and works in the same building as me. It’s a pretty big building and there are people you don’t see for a year there but knowing my luck I’ll run straight into him the first day he’s back *facepalm*. With the plan, do you think that if I do get in contact after a month I’ll look silly after asking for six months or will he just be ecstatic to hear from me (this is the answer I suspect is true)?
Chris Seiter

August 13, 2015 at 5:08 pm

By the way he was crying because it sounds like he didn’t really want to lose you in the first place. But telling someone your doing no contact makes the no contact slightly less effective because he’s prepared for it and expecting it. If you do no contact out of the blue it makes him wonder “did she find someone else”, “is she ok,” “Does she hate me,” “I miss her.” I almost never suggest breaking no contact but do the no contact for 21 days, send him a test text (a sweet one) and then disappear for the full no contact 30 days. Hopefully that should reset the original mindset of the 6 months.

Alison

August 3, 2015 at 11:45 am

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend if three and a half years broke up with me 6 weeks ago. We were in an LDR for two and a half years during which we lived on opposite coasts, after which I moved to live with him after we discussed the pros and cons of living in each place. Prior to dating, he lived in the state I am from and we were friends for about two years. He wanted to date me back home but I wouldn’t because of timing and because he used to date an acquaintance of mine who I felt would be hurt if we dated. He moved back home and we remained friends then later started dating from across the miles. He was always smitten with me and we had a great relationship during which we would visit each other, sometimes up to 6 weeks at a time, and I became very close with his family. Fast forward to a year ago when I moved out here (I was in a master’so program during the LDR and couldn’t move sooner and he has s great job in the state he’s from). I struggled with the idea living on “his coast” and carried some resentment into the relationship since he was not more open to moving to mine. Nonetheless, we loved each other very much and he wanted to marry me. Once I moved, it was a real struggle to relocate and get established. He wanted me to live it here and had agreed to help me feel connected by exploring the area together and connecting socially to his friends and family, which he had always fine on past trips. Once I moved here, however, he got complacent and did little of this. Also, I was unhappy that I gave up a teaching job back home and ended up doing a job I wasn’t very happy at out here until the new school year started. I tried to get out and explore and make friends on my own, though it’s hard in a new place, and I started to feel angry toward him for not putting in more effort in our relationship and our social lives. Most nights we sat on the couch and I became depressed, started blaming him for my unhappiness, and often threatened to move back home, all things for which I feel ashamed. He would always say he wanted me to stay, but still didn’t do much in the way of effort. Six months ago I told him we need to put marriage plans on hold since I was struggling with being able to commit to possibly living out here forever. We started fighting a lot in the last 6 months. Six weeks ago, I got a teaching job offer and we started talking about moving when our lease was up. Then he told me he was struggling with signing a new lease because we had been fighting so much and didn’t know if we could survive another year of this. Basically, I think he fell out of love with me though he didn’t use those words. At first, I begged him not to give up on us, and he caved but three days later he said he was still struggling and he broke up with me. I accepted it, and we’ve been living together amicably but awkwardly ever since. I have not tried to ask him back again and many nights stay at friends’ houses and try to be around as little as possible while moving forward. I am finally moving out early (before the lease is over) though he said I’m welcome to stay. My question is can the NC rule still apply even though we’ve lived together for six weeks after the breakup? We’ve had to talk about househilold issues and who is taking the bed or air mattress, etc. when I move out, can the NC start then? And if course, do you think there is s chance he might come back? Thank you.

Chris Seiter

August 6, 2015 at 10:47 pm

Can’t believe you typed this all on your phone.

That’s insane.

Yes, I think doing it after you move out is ideal.
Alison

August 3, 2015 at 11:50 am

(Sorry for all the typos. I write this on my iPhone 🙂

The bravest

August 3, 2015 at 3:13 am

Hello, i just came across your site…and surely it helps me a lot.

I just broke up with my one year and half boyfriend for the nth time. This time though, we broke up because he’s the one initiated it, out of anger, because i was angry and ignoring him because he yelled at me in public on our date (immature act). I am very interested in this NC rule, because i have been doing this quite some times with him. And yeah, i was the one breaking this rule..at first, he as the one who couldn’t stand being ignored by me and always contacts me back..but because i was so in needy of him, i began to be the one breaking the NC rule when we fought or broke up and finally, i believe it leads him to think that i couldn’t live without him and that i will always be the one begging him.

The first NC i did was a month ago, we broke up and i didn’t contact him at all for 4 days, then i got restless, and i kept stalking his social media and saw that sometimes he would post status like “This love is still here even though it pains me.” And because of that i then broke my NC and contacted him, soon after, we got back together. But it’s not long until we argued again and broke up, this time, I did the NC for almost a week, but i gave in because i long for him so much, i texted him and tried to talk it through with him. And we got back again.

And yesterday was our latest break up. And i started my NC today, i decided to unfriend him in all of my social media and made sure he saw that i deleted all of our pictures from any social media (soon after he deleted our pictures from his part as well)

I am so committed to do this NC and for you guys out there who’s not convinced by this method, believe me, it actually work and it really is hard (so beware and prepare your heart, ladies)

One thing i know though, up until now, my ex still checks my whatsapp’s last seen status (he rarely checks his whatsapp, but whenever we had argument, he would always check his whatsapp for hours or sometimes minutes, just to see what i have been doing. He knows that i also sometimes would check his last seen status, so i ended up disabling my last seen, so no one could see), because obviously he is unable to check my status anywhere else.

This NC rule might be the first thing i need to accomplish to actually get back to my ex and not just that, i hope he would be really start being mature and learn not to be a spoiled brat that always gets everything his way. And even, if i couldn’t get back to him at all, i could use this 30 day No Contact to actually focus on myself and be better in life (who knows along the way i could find a better man)

Thank you, Chris. Your site has definitely brightens my day..at least i know that my ex does loves me and i have no regret at all if all this happened. If we could get back, it’s great. If not, it’s great still ??

Chris Seiter

August 6, 2015 at 10:55 pm

Thanks for the kind words.

I really should update this page. I feel its a bit oudatted to the new rules of NC.

Jamy

August 1, 2015 at 9:20 pm

I’m doing the no contact, he sent me a friend request on Facebook, I deleted it does that count as contact? Because he will see I deleted it, thanks

Chris Seiter

August 8, 2015 at 8:12 pm

Hey, Did he delete you in the first place on Facebook? Why did he have to send you a friend request? Who deleted who after the breakup? I’d recommend keeping your ex on Facebook so he can see how great your doing. Its a useful tactic to use in getting him back.

Net

August 1, 2015 at 5:57 pm

Hi Chris! I was thinking of starting the no contact rule for 30 days with my ex of 6 years, we broke up 3 weeks ago. I was just wondering since its his birthday this month, how does the no contact rule for 30 days apply to this situation? Do i wish him or do i just carry on with the no contact rule? Hope to hear from you soon!

Chris Seiter

August 8, 2015 at 8:14 pm

Hi net, I actually recommend that if a birthday is coming up and your at your 30 day of no contact wait one more day to contact. Birthdays and holidays are the worst times to contact your ex. Definitely do not contact him on his birthday unless he is asking you back out before then.

Karen

July 31, 2015 at 10:49 pm

Hi Chris,
My 30 day No Contact will be over a couple of days before my ex boy friend’s birthday. I just wanted to know if it is a good idea to text him on his birthday, or should I do so before or after that day? He didn’t contact me on my birthday though because he broke up with me a couple of weeks before it…please help me. I really do want to get back with him.

Chris Seiter

August 10, 2015 at 9:43 pm

I always recommend not texting your ex on his birthday unless you are already in a relationship with him. Contact him after the 30 days of no contact see how he responds and skip the birthday text.

Stacy

July 30, 2015 at 12:31 am

Hi Chris!

I just stumbled across your website and just couldn’t resist asking you some questions. After reading some of these comments I think my situation is a little different and some further guidance would be a huge help! I am still in College so my relationship was pretty casual. We had been dating and talking for a couple of months. He has met my family and we were starting to get pretty serious, but didn’t want to put a title to it yet. We talked everyday all day, but suddenly silence for the past couple of days. When I tried to talk to him about it he just got angry and tried to avoid the situation. I don’t find that mature or positive. I wanted to find some resolve or compromise. He just wanted me to take his “sorry” and forget about it. I told him that maybe we should just be done and I’ll see him around school. He never responded and I don’t really know how to take it. I feel like we both need a break, but I don’t want to address the issue again. I feel like its always me trying to fix things. What should I do now? I don’t want it to be over, but I don’t know how to get us back on the same page.
Christina

July 28, 2015 at 9:17 pm

Hi Chris,
I love what you have put together.
So my boyfriend after one year left me (very surprisingly) saying he does not have the feelings to move forward. I know he definitely doesn’t have someone else. I think it’s a fear of commitment issue since he was previously engaged and his x cheated on him.
The last time we spoke on the phone was One month ago . We broke up two months ago. I have sent some texts but no reply. The last text was two weeks ago. Is my no contact date from the last day we spoke or the last time I messaged him? He has had one month of not contacting me.
Thanks!

Richard

July 31, 2015 at 12:29 am

Christina,
The NC rule is completely about you, not about how many days since your ex has spoken to you. You have to start counting the days from the last time that you initiated any kind of contact, regardless of whether or not he replied. The goal is to get him to miss you for a change. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee, but for sure, you will feel better and more in control of the situation. Good luck—-Hang in there!
Chris Seiter

August 6, 2015 at 9:03 pm

Great advice! Right on!

Kristina

July 28, 2015 at 1:04 pm

so i was kinda dating this guy who i technically work with, we have been hanging out for about yr or so we have fun together and shared our general like for each other and wants for a possible deeper relationship…but my issue with him is his sporatic communication and breaking promises of calling when he says he will…so eventhough he says he’s busy or tired i just let it go…but after the third time in a week of doing the same thing i politely called him on it and said i was going to zip my lip ( back off) should i have said anything about not talking??? Do you think the NC rules will work for me?
Rue

July 27, 2015 at 6:34 am

Hi, Chris! I need your advice urgently. My LDR boyfriend broke up with me on April, 2015. And I’ve started the no contact rule on him in May, 2015. He didn’t make the breakup official, though. Everything went good and we got back together in June, 2015. But just after two/ three weeks, he started acting weird. He doesn’t reply to my texts. He’s always uninterested to talk to me and he even doesn’t want to have phone sex anymore. He says that he feels “guilty” when we have phone sex or exchange pictures and he avoids Skype sessions too for this. I asked him if he has feelings for someone else, and he keeps assuring that he’s mine and he’s loyal. But he ignores me. He doesn’t even answer my calls or calls me back like he used to after getting back together. He doesn’t even talk about his day or himself or us. I feel like a stranger. I feel we are never going to have a future if things go on like this. It has been 16 months of our relationship. Should I start NC on him for a week? Please help.
Krystal

July 26, 2015 at 9:39 pm

Chris,

In regards to what is acceptable to break the no contact rule.
My ex and I are in a lease together until a little over a month now.
What if he contacts me about getting the rest of his stuff to move it out before the 30 days?

Krystal

July 26, 2015 at 9:41 pm

I meant we still are in a lease together for another month and he still has his major items here, bed, tv, xbox, etc.
What if he contacts me before the 30 days about getting the rest of his stuff?

AL

July 26, 2015 at 1:03 pm

Hi Chris,
First thanks you for all the insights here!you’re a genius! My ex and I broke up becoz he cheated. I used cheated although they didn’t sleep bcoz we talked abt what we considered as cheating like flirting and texting explicit messages to friends! He keeps messaging ang calling asking for forgiveness and I am now on my 21st day. Although I broke last week because he collected his things I still go on counting.is that correct? Do u think its time now to respond to his messages or just ignore his meaaage of forgiveness and push through with my script on first text to a send? Hope u take time to respond even on your busy day.thanks
callie

July 25, 2015 at 5:43 am

Chris, How would the NC rule work if your boyfriend was the one to ignore you first? Normally after a few days i would give in a text him, this time im going to try the 30 days thing. Will it work the same? Will he wonder why i havent been texting him and then start to want me?

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6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”