The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Christina

November 8, 2013 at 6:57 pm

Hi Chris,

I think i have done it the wrong way. My ex broke up with me because his feelings changed out of the blue. He wanted to stay friends, I accepted this. We stayed friends for three weeks, but he gave me so many confusing signals that i really could not take it anymore. I told him that i did not want to be friends anymore. We kinda got in a fight and in the end i did not reply anymore. 16 days have passed and I really miss him. What should i do? I know that he is not going to contact me anymore out of fear.

admin

November 9, 2013 at 11:46 pm

Just keep doing NC until you finish it and then you can reach him.
Christina

November 8, 2013 at 7:01 pm

Oh one more thing, in the last conversation he told me that he still has feelings for me, but they are not as strong as in the beginning of our relationship
admin

November 9, 2013 at 11:46 pm

Thats pretty much normal.

Amanda

November 8, 2013 at 8:56 am

If you are doing the NC rule, and they initiate contact before the time is up asking you to get back together, then do you still apply the rule or does it defeat the purpose since they are wanting you back?

admin

November 8, 2013 at 6:49 pm

No the point is to get them back so in that case you can break NC.

Very rare for this to happen though.

Kristen

November 8, 2013 at 5:52 am

Hi Chris. I’m looking for some more insight and advice from a post I made to you not too long ago. I’m really feeling stuck – I completed 30 days of NC a while back. Pretty much from the beginning of the break up, my ex has been sending me a text every 5-6 days or so. The texts he sends may range from asking me about my fantasy football team, to sending me an old picture from our relationship, to really emotional texts (one read “I miss you. I miss US. I miss our dreams). As I said before, I have made it a point not to initiate anything. I wait and wait.. and almost on cue.. he will text me every few days or so. I read what you said about making him chase you. I am mindful of this. Here is the question.. He has said nothing about getting together with me/seeing me/meeting up with me. #1. Is it usually a slow process waiting for this next step or should it have happened by now if he really wanted to see me? #2. Would it be too forward of me if I asked HIM about getting together?

admin

November 8, 2013 at 6:52 pm

1. It varies but for most people it is slow.
2. Yes but not if you just ask to go on a date or something.
Kristen

November 8, 2013 at 9:31 pm

I just read your newest guide! Would this be a good time for me to try a “how I feel” text?
admin

November 10, 2013 at 12:11 am

If you think it is.

anon

November 7, 2013 at 5:53 am

Hi Chris!

Thanks for all your helpful guides! I have been doing NC for a week and it has been really helpful. Even though i felt so mean ignoring him, I found myself thinking about him less and there’s been a couple new guys hitting on me, which has been fun since it’s just harmless flirting.

But after a week, something came up. One of my friend had a crisis and thought my ex was behind it so she texted him. He didn’t text back right away so she thought my ex was ignoring her which just made her crazy and she put out a hit on him. I called him to tell him to answer his messages out of fear for his life.
1. Do I have to start my NC period again?
2. He started asking why we haven’t been talking, do I just ignore him?

Thanks so much for your help! Really appreciate it 🙂

admin

November 7, 2013 at 6:17 pm

1. No
2. Yes
anon

November 7, 2013 at 8:03 pm

Thanks for your reply!
PS. I love your guides! They’ve been super helpful and i must admit – a distraction everytime i feel tempted to text him back 🙂
admin

November 8, 2013 at 5:53 pm

Hahaha phew that means I am doing my job right!

Maddie

November 6, 2013 at 8:48 pm

been with my boyfriend for about a month, we are totally smitten for one another.him properly more than I the last time I saw him he told me to not run from him (not to leave him) we were perfectly fine. And then he doesn’t contact me for 5 days, I tried calling texting him on the first 3days but no reply , I know he’s alive he is generally just ignoring me but in my opinion I was the perfect girlfriend? What do you think it is , I’ve given up with contacting him and wait for him to contact me , do you think he will ? If I give this no contact rule a try?

admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:28 pm

Absolutely you should.

Joy

November 6, 2013 at 12:03 am

Hi Chris,

Should I still initiate the NCR even if me and my boyfriend hasn’t completely broken up. All he said is that he needed time and space, but continues to text me here and there. Any recommendations?

admin

November 6, 2013 at 5:09 pm

Yup you should still do it.

Jennifer

November 5, 2013 at 1:56 pm

Hello Chris
First of all I want to thank you ,for your support and your help.
You are the only person that is helping me and understands me..
So here I go
…I wrote to you before in another section ,asking if I should break the nc rule and congrutulate him on his birthday,you said no..but definitely I didn’t listen and I did. I sent him home a cake.. Then he talked to me like thank you and I miss you,but he refused to say what he feels until I say..but I said ,I will not. Because every time I speak,so now it’s ur time.. And today because it’s your birthday I am ready to listen and understand ..
He told me that he doesn’t want to speak .. And said to me to listen few songs with lyrics like *it is the end,and I didn’t want it all to be so ” like that stuff..
I told him he should speak what he feels,and asked him if he will ever be a guy I started to date ? He said that “i dont know :'(.. Maybe”he should change..
He said That he changed,when I asked him how?
He didn’t reply.
Then I started talking to him and he didn’t answer.. I even called him but he didn’t answer.. At 6 am I saw him online ..
I sent him a msg that I love him so much but please not to talk to me anymore I want to forget him and I don’t want him to appear in my life again..smth like that
I got no response …
What should I do?
He will always stay like this ,he never appologizes and never really acts seriously?
I don’t know ..
Help me..
Should I try a nc rule again ? will it be beneficial to start it for the second time ?
The nc rule that I broke was about 13 or 14 days I think

Help me plz Chris
I am
Lost

admin

November 5, 2013 at 6:32 pm

Yes but get through it all the way this time!
Jennifer

November 5, 2013 at 7:15 pm

Will it make him
Fight for me?
admin

November 6, 2013 at 4:44 pm

Impossible to say for sure but it can.
Jennifer

November 6, 2013 at 7:15 pm

Is it better to delete my social network (as I already did) so he will not able to see my news and when I am online ? Or better to keep them all?
admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:15 pm

I would prefer you not to but its not a huge deal.
Jennifer

November 7, 2013 at 6:26 pm

Not to delete or not to keep all ?
admin

November 8, 2013 at 5:45 pm

Keep at all.
Jennifer

November 8, 2013 at 5:46 pm

Aaaa I didn’t get it :'(
admin

November 8, 2013 at 7:25 pm

didn’t get what?

MNLM

November 5, 2013 at 7:51 am

im 29 yrs old married woman for 3yrs & have 2beautiful daughter.last aug2013 i discovered that my husband cheated on my.he have other woman in the US.i dont know what happened bcoz im here in the phil and my husband lives in the US.my husband and other girl lives together almost 5months.i got so depressed & so pain he told me that he loves me so much and no one else will replace me in his heart but day pass by hes feelings to me change like a jet.he told me that hes fall out of love and he loves him so much the other girl.but even knowing im still inlove to my husband i accept the worse situations i forgive him and accept knowing that he living with other girl.i saw your site becoz ill search for some tips to how to move on.i cant move on ill stocked hoping that my husband comming back.ill always force my self to call him knowing that my husband dont want to have conversations with me.give me some advice and ill try to follow the NC rules not to realize him or assuming that he missed us.i follow the NC rules because everytime we talk he give me more pain.and hoping that he going back home but the truth hes not going back.he always saying hes tired of me.i dont know how to move on because i love him so much.pls give me some advice.move on or keep on waiting. 🙁

admin

November 5, 2013 at 6:20 pm

Have you read my guide on getting your ex husband back?

Tania

November 4, 2013 at 11:01 pm

Hi Chris,

I sent you a longer message via the Contact link. However, I wanted to ask my question here.

I am confused because my boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me because he didn’t love me yet. That is a direct quote. “I don’t love you yet, and I don’t want to prolong the relationship because I’ve done that before.” In the same conversation he said that I am everything he wants in a woman, I treat him better than he has ever been treated, and I make him happy. He has no issues with me, and we didn’t have any arguments, or drama. We get along very well, and we are a great match – from both his perspective and mine. I told him that within two weeks of our relationship he told me that he has never been in love and is not sure he is capable of it. I told him that this is a self-proclaiming statement. I understand he wants to be in love, but he can’t just say it while refusing to open himself up to it. He is 33 with 4 kids, and I am 36 with 2 kids. He was with the mother of 3 of his kids for seven years, never married, and says he never loved her. He was with the mother of his youngest for 3 years, never married, never loved her. I told him I think he has an issue with relationships. He said he wants to get married and be in love with his wife, but admitted he doesn’t know what love feels like. He thought he would feel “it” by now with me, but he doesn’t – but then said he may not know what he’s talking about because he’s never loved a woman before.

We broke up yesterday, and then hung out for hours. We just talked, looked at photos, joked, etc. It is effortless for us to be together. I am not angry, as I told him last night, but I am confused and hurt. He is already actively looking for dates again as well (online dating service).

I am confused. He had what he wanted, by his own admission, but once realizing he had it he lets it go. It makes no sense and is completely illogical. I am implementing the no contact period. But I am very confused as to what just happened. Can you explain what is going on with him?

admin

November 5, 2013 at 5:32 pm

Haha illogical. What makes you think there is anything logical when emotions get involved?

Def do the NC rule.

female99

November 4, 2013 at 6:56 pm

I dated my guy for 3 years. He designed a ring and asked my parents for my hand at year 1, then never followed through. I did a 30 day break, then we got back together at year 2. At year 3, he disappeared for 4 months without warning. He contacted me and we started spending time together again. He said he had never meant to break up, but was thinking of what he needed to change and do differently. His friends and mine backed up his story that he didn’t date anyone else. Only 2 weeks into seeing him again, I made the mistake of brining up a DTR and he freaked out. He wrote an apology email and said he doesn’t know if I’m dating other guys or not, but didn’t sound like he wants to commit. It’s been 2 weeks, and I never replied to his email, but he’s tried to talk to me when he sees me at social gatherings. I’m polite, and then leave the conversation 1st. Should I do NC with him, or should I reply to his apology letter?? Did I ruin my chances of getting him back by talking about relationship stuff too soon?

admin

November 5, 2013 at 5:02 pm

I think the no contact rule is perfect for you.
female99

November 4, 2013 at 7:30 pm

p.s. He thinks he has Aspberger’s, and acts differently than other guys in relationships. When other guys usually chase me when I give them space, he feels hurt, and pulls farther away (self-esteem issues, thinks I don’t like him, etc).
admin

November 5, 2013 at 5:03 pm

Low self confidence on his part?
Kwonders

November 6, 2013 at 6:07 pm

Yes. so would NC work on a guy like him? Or should I take a different approach? He’s been offering to do favors for me, but still won’t take me on a date or cuddle any more, and now acts like he doesn’t know me when we’re at the same social gathering (whereas he used to come and say hello).
admin

November 7, 2013 at 5:09 pm

No NC is the approach you should use.

Adie

November 4, 2013 at 4:20 pm

Helo, I have posted here and got your advise. yet i dont remember what nickname I have left. Just wanted to report you my no contact rule experience.
The background is, that girl and me are not couple. I did not contact her for a week and she did mad at me (She said).

One day she told me she surely had good feeling on me and asked why i left and disappeared for a week. I felt happy. However, the next day she started cold to me. My sixth sense told me not to find her. after a week again. I found her. She told me she was taken. I am not the one she wanted. All happening in two weeks,she changed her heart. I m loser.

My comment is, when someone is not your destined one, no contact rule is useless. They will be gone by some reasons. Yet thanksful is, no contact rule can let myself clam down and love myself more.

Sometimes, i was so regretful i did not contact her for a week and not being active to chase her so that she was taken by someone. yet I would think, she was a liar and just treated me as one of the chasers. She is not worthy to me.

Thanks a lot for the rule. I feel sad but cool. 🙂 cheers

admin

November 4, 2013 at 6:29 pm

Your welcome I guess hahahaha..

Sad but cool I guess thats a positive way to look at things.

George

November 4, 2013 at 6:24 am

Hey Chris, I’m going to start off by saying that I’m the one who broke up with my gf of 3 1/2 years. I’m 19 and so is she. We basically watched each other grow up during high school and have been deeply in love. Not the puppy love but as in she almost had my kid (miscarriage of 4 months). We went through so much and last November I decided to break up with her. Stupid of me. Up until April we were seeing each other like if we were dating. Mostly sex but with emotions. Not just hookups. One day she decided to stop waiting for me. I tried so hard up from April til September to make her mine again. I went through her flirting with other guys mostly her guy best friend who. I tried for 6 months to get her back and she told me the classic “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. Since the first of October we haven’t talked. Her cellphone got disconnected and her mom told me she dropped out of school and is looking for a second job and wants to move out. She hasn’t seen my ex since a week. Mind you I asked her before Why she doesn’t talk to me and told me she doesn’t have a reason to. She says she stills sees the same person she fell in love with and she agreed to work things out until she said she wanted things to happen naturally. I haven’t talked to her although her mom told me yesterday the whole situation of what’s going on. I’m missing her like crazy and I pulled the No contact once for three weeks and she caved in but she denied her feelings. Now I’m not sure because I feel like she’s going to walk back in my life but I can’t talk to her. Somethings holding me back. I don’t k of if it’s because I was rejected a lot of time or its my mind telling me I’m not healed yet. I’m not sure but I really want to talk to her. My birthday is coming up on the 3rd of next month as well. Not sure what to do and if the No contact still applies even though I broke up with her a year ago. I’m really lost and miss her so much. I dated a girl this October that just passed but it didn’t work out. I’m not sure if it’s for a reason but if you can help me out here. I would appreciate it so much. Also, she hurt me a lot in the process of me getting her back but I didn’t give up . Thank you so much.

admin

November 4, 2013 at 5:52 pm

Have you tried NC yet?

Anon

November 4, 2013 at 3:45 am

Chris:
I was recently seeing a younger man 15yrs younger than I. We spent a few months getting to know each other and it was amazing! I felt like I was falling for him more so than he for me but knew he felt something. I would try to get him to discuss what his thoughts/feelings were on our situation but he didn’t open up to me. He just agreed with what I would say which wasn’t much. I felt like he wasn’t ready to tell me bc we were just having fun getting to know one another. I never pressured him. I tried to encourage a conversation. I felt him pulling away or not responding the way he had prior. So, I ended things abruptly and he still wanted to remain friends and he told me he understood why I needed to end it. I told him to lose my number and never contact me again bc I needed to move on and that I would never contact him again. It has been 3 weeks since I ended things and neither of us has contacted one another. Do you find this is salvageable to try to reconnect after the NC is over with? What should I say in text after I told him I would never contact him again? He does have many of my personal items that have value…..

admin

November 4, 2013 at 5:44 pm

You are allowed to break NC to grab your items and such.

Kristen

November 3, 2013 at 9:25 pm

Chris, I really need your input. I finished NC well over 4 weeks ago. I didn’t need to initiate any texts with my ex, because he–almost on cue–will send me a text every 5-6 days or so. Some of the texts will be to ask me about my dog…or he’ll send texts on Sunday to ask how my fantasy team is doing. Sometimes, he’ll text me a picture or video of me or my dog or of a memory from our relationship. I’m not sure how to proceed. He hasn’t said ANYTHING about getting together, so I’m confused. Should I take it as a good sign that he is reaching out to me? What do these texts mean??? I’m trying to be as patient as I can, but in many ways this seems to be getting more difficult.

admin

November 4, 2013 at 5:14 pm

Yes as a good sign definitely.

Have you been able to use any of the texts I recommend?
Kristen

November 4, 2013 at 8:13 pm

Yes I have! You’ve really helped me to become more mindful of what I say, how I present myself, and to focus less on emotion/the relationship in certain circumstances. You’ve also helped me to be more aware of equal back and forth when texting. I am GUILTY of being a text gnat in the past. NO MORE! 🙂
admin

November 5, 2013 at 5:15 pm

Haha it just makes you a stronger person overall!

and thats what its all about!
Kristen

November 3, 2013 at 9:53 pm

Let me add that I have only initiated ONE, quality text. He initiates all the others. I guess I’m so determined to make him chase me…and scared of “overpursuing” him, that I wonder if I’m being too passive? Should I take it up a notch, or should I just be patient here and let things take their course?
admin

November 4, 2013 at 5:12 pm

If he is initiating all the texts to you then in a way he is already chasing you.

ev

November 3, 2013 at 7:41 pm

Hi Chris,

Thank you so much for this fantastic website. Regarding NC, my ex of 8 years broke up with me 7 months ago but we had been living in the same house until last week. I didn’t know much about NC before and thought it wasn’t an option in my case. Now I have moved out, do you think it still makes sense to go into NC, especially that it was my fault we broke up and he says if I want anything in the future it is me that should do all the effort and not him. Won’t he think I suddenly stopped caring if I now stop contacting him? I have made every possible mistake you mention in the mistakes section and yet he hasn’t entirely given up on me. He says he can’t imagine how we could be happy together again (after how badly i kept treating him) but he would like that. I just don’t know how to behave if I don’t want to lose what little chance I still have with him. If I go into NC now, he may just think it’s my egoism, I don’t care, have given up or that it is just another game on my part because I want him to do the work. I am afraid that he grow too tired of me if I go into NC and will just give up on me for good. What do you think? Could NC really help in such circumstances? Thanks for your help.

admin

November 4, 2013 at 5:06 pm

Sure it can! The only question is will you be able to do it?
ev

December 11, 2013 at 6:26 pm

Hi Chris, how about announcing NC to my ex so he does not think i’m a jerk who suddenly started to ignore him? can I just tell him that we need to cut all contact so that he does not get a wrong impression of what i am doing? (I already made so many wrong moves that I just don’t want him to have yet more reason not to want me back ever again..) Thanks for your reply.
admin

December 12, 2013 at 2:01 am

It’s funny. I wish more women would act like jerks to men but you guys are too nice.

I know it goes against your nature but be a jerk on this little thing and marvel at the results. Besides, you will contact him after NC anyways.

bri

November 3, 2013 at 2:51 pm

My ex n i have been broken up for a month now..we have had little contact n we do it ends up in arguments…he tells me he loves that he doesnt want to loose me..and i tell him well love me…the problem is this whole time weve been broken up his been going out…acting
like a kid hes 29 sleeping with an 18 yr old hr met at school hanging out with those age kids….n i tell him stop all that start acting like a man n trying yout best to get your family back
…n hes like there i go controlling him not letting him have friends… im not saying he cant have friends but hes hanging out with kids who have no worries or responsbilites n still with that girl he slept with n he tells me she was just fun..u have my heart..i said then understand i can not be okay with you if your still hanging out with her..n he says im single i can hang out with whoever i want…i tell him then be single…have fun n dont be telling be lies you love me when your not even trying to make this work..n he said its me…trying to controll him n who he hangs out with…im.so confused..am i wrong or right..i havent talked to him n he keeps calling me texting me that he misses my vocie he doesnt want to loose me but yet he still hanging out with her even though he says im not sleeping with her anymore she knows i love you….

admin

November 3, 2013 at 6:27 pm

Have you tried NC yet?

Joy

November 3, 2013 at 1:08 pm

Hi, is there such thing as “too long no contact”?

I tried the 30days nc which was hard so I went on a trip, signed up a gym membership and even changed my job. Basically, I was just finding things to do to distract myself.

Before I knew it, 1mth became 3mths and he texted me just a generic “Hi how are you”.

Thing is I still see him as my future husband (we were together for 7 yrs and we broke up because I wanted to be married and he wasn’t ready).

How should I take it forward from here? I don’t want to get back when he is still “not ready” which is why I haven’t been replying anything more than yes/no. Yet I’m afraid he interprets it as disinterest and moves on.

Help!

admin

November 3, 2013 at 6:21 pm

I have a new NC guide coming up that I think you should wait for.

keisha

November 3, 2013 at 12:57 pm

Hello chris
My story is quiet a long one and I made it so inorder for you to understand the situation well and help me out.
I’ve been dating this guy for a year and six months up untill when I found out he was cheating on me with his (highschool crush)whom he had been with 3months before I found out.before my finding out and all,our relationship had been abit rocky as a result of a lot of stuffs and I had series of gut feeling that something was amiss but couldn’t figure out what exactly it was.Aday before I found out about the other girl,we had broken up over the issues of his divided attention and his act of always being sort of distant.when I finally foundout about her I got so mad and heart broken,mad because he kept lying to me the whole time, that he was faithful.heartbroken because after we talked about his infidelity,he choose to be with the other girl.I was deeply hurt not only because he had cheated on me after all we had been through together but equally because he had said a lot of horrible stuffs about me to the other girl.I was so depressed and lost my self esteem because of that.despite the fact that I still loved him deeply and still wanted him back, I promised myself never to have anything to do with him again since he could treat me the way he did.3days later,he came begging with his friends,saying he was sorry for all he did and said to me,and that he wanted us to be friends. So I forgave him and we became friends.a week later,we agreed to go on a vacation on which we had been planning to embark on before all these happened.I agreed to travel with him,with the hope that through the vacation,we both could sort things out and get back together.while on vacation,he kept telling his friends that we were still dating.on the 5day of which I was meant to leave,I asked him what we were going to do next?and he said I should give him time to think well,that he was still feeling remorse over what he did to me and was still confused. so we left things there. While at home,I kept calling and texting him of which he complained that I should reduce inorder for him to think well.suddenly while we were chatting,he asked I deleted the other girl from my list,that he had nothing for her anymore and that for us to start afresh,he didn’t want her in the picture.somehow I felt awkward and did some digging just to find out that he was still with the other girl and had asked her to equally put me off her list.I got very pissed and decided to delete him out of my life for good.3weeks later,he came back begging and all,and long story short; we got back.and he promised not to cheat or double date me again. That he did it then because,he didn’t know better and because he was still discovering himself.Soon we started arguing and quarelling a lot,over the issues of my inability to trust him.it got too bad that he started shutting me out and busying my calls whenever we quarelled.sometimes we would quarell so much that we wouldn’t speak,text or call each other for days.then I laid complains about his shuting me out and how it made me feel unloved and all.he promised to stop an to be a better man.after a while we quarelled again and it lasted for 2weeks within the period,he had met his ex at a party when I later called him after the 2weeks of our quarell,he told me he had seen his ex and felt nafin for her and that he really missed me..but I did my findings and found out he had texted her,only to checkup on her.things were going fine up untill one day when he Ignored my calls for a long time.when he finally did pickup,he screamed at me and ended the call and switched off his fone.I got so sad kept calling to no avail.so I sent him a breakup email,which he later replied saying he was sorry and didn’t mean to,that he hated the fact that we quarelled so much and my inability to trust him was driving him insane.so he apologised and promised to be a better gf and I promised to trust him from that day onward(that was last 2weeks friday).on thursday last week,we had anoda quarell partaining his ex and why he checked up on her if he had no feelings for her.he denied having feelings for her and said he was just checking in on her.he broke up with me for doubting him.then later called back saying he was sorry and that he did that out of anger.then he said I should tell him who gave me the information if not we couldn’t date anymore.I refused telling him,begged him to try understanding but he refused.then I left him. Called him some days after that day,apologising for doubting him and for not telling him whom the person was,he said he later found out through what I said,that he knew that it was his ex but he wanted me to say it and I refused.that he understands that it wasn’t my fault to have doubted him,but his pain is that he tried making me trust him for 10months after we got back and yet I didn’t trust him.that the too much quarell has made him loose his love and passion for me and the rel.that I made him feel not good enough and that I have hurt him deeply,that though he might not ever be able to breakup with me emotionally,but he can do so physically.that I should move on with my life as he does same and that I should stop calling him(as I was bombarding him with calls and msgs) so that he could heal and move on.that I deserve something better and he appreciates my efforts to try patching things upt iwth him,but that the relationship has taken its course.talked to his friend and he asked me to move on that he didn’t want me to hurt more.
I’ve begged and cried to trust and love him more,to be a better lover, but it seems he had made up his mind(I made that call 4days after the breakup)Now I want him back,still misses him and fear he would go back to the other girl whom he hadn’t made contact with for 10months now up untill that party,though he had said he has no shred of emotions left for her and would never get back to her.I can’t do without this guy,I know I was damn wrong for distrusting him so much but I want a second chance with him now.I want to right my wrongs.the thought of him with any other girl haunts me.i’m so wrapped around this guy and I’m not sure I’m going to move on.I want him back.pls what should I do to get him back?will the NC rule apply without him being gone already?what should I do?chris?

admin

November 3, 2013 at 6:18 pm

Yes you can still apply the NC rule.

keisha

November 3, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Hello chris
My story is quiet a long one and I made it so inorder for you to understand the situation well and help me out.
I’ve been dating this guy for a year and six months up untill when I found out he was cheating on me with his (highschool crush)whom he had been with 3months before I found out.before my finding out and all,our relationship had been abit rocky as a result of a lot of stuffs and I had series of gut feeling that something was amiss but couldn’t figure out what exactly it was.Aday before I found out about the other girl,we had broken up over the issues of his divided attention and his act of always being sort of distant.when I finally foundout about her I got so mad and heart broken,mad because he kept lying to me the whole time, that he was faithful.heartbroken because after we talked about his infidelity,he choose to be with the other girl.I was deeply hurt not only because he had cheated on me after all we had been through together but equally because he had said a lot of horrible stuffs about me to the other girl.I was so depressed and lost my self esteem because of that.despite the fact that I still loved him deeply and still wanted him back, I promised myself never to have anything to do with him again since he could treat me the way he did.3days later,he came begging with his friends,saying he was sorry for all he did and said to me,and that he wanted us to be friends. So I forgave him and we became friends.a week later,we agreed to go on a vacation on which we had been planning to embark on before all these happened.I agreed to travel with him,with the hope that through the vacation,we both could sort things out and get back together.while on vacation,he kept telling his friends that we were still dating.on the 5day of which I was meant to leave,I asked him what we were going to do next?and he said I should give him time to think well,that he was still feeling remorse over what he did to me and was still confused. so we left things there. While at home,I kept calling and texting him of which he complained that I should reduce inorder for him to think well.suddenly while we were chatting,he asked I deleted the other girl from my list,that he had nothing for her anymore and that for us to start afresh,he didn’t want her in the picture.somehow I felt awkward and did some digging just to find out that he was still with the other girl and had asked her to equally put me off her list.I got very pissed and decided to delete him out of my life for good.3weeks later,he came back begging and all,and long story short; we got back.and he promised not to cheat or double date me again. That he did it then because,he didn’t know better and because he was still discovering himself.Soon we started arguing and quarelling a lot,over the issues of my inability to trust him.it got too bad that he started shutting me out and busying my calls whenever we quarelled.sometimes we would quarell so much that we wouldn’t speak,text or call each other for days.then I laid complains about his shuting me out and how it made me feel unloved and all.he promised to stop an to be a better man.after a while we quarelled again and it lasted for 2weeks within the period,he had met his ex at a party when I later called him after the 2weeks of our quarell,he told me he had seen his ex and felt nafin for her and that he really missed me..but I did my findings and found out he had texted her,only to checkup on her.things were going fine up untill one day when he Ignored my calls for a long time.when he finally did pickup,he screamed at me and ended the call and switched off his fone.I got so sad kept calling to no avail.so I sent him a breakup email,which he later replied saying he was sorry and didn’t mean to,that he hated the fact that we quarelled so much and my inability to trust him was driving him insane.so he apologised and promised to be a better gf and I promised to trust him from that day onward(that was last 2weeks friday).on thursday last week,we had anoda quarell partaining his ex and why he checked up on her if he had no feelings for her.he denied having feelings for her and said he was just checking in on her.he broke up with me for doubting him.then later called back saying he was sorry and that he did that out of anger.then he said I should tell him who gave me the information if not we couldn’t date anymore.I refused telling him,begged him to try understanding but he refused.then I left him. Called him some days after that day,apologising for doubting him and for not telling him whom the person was,he said he later found out through what I said,that he knew that it was his ex but he wanted me to say it and I refused.that he understands that it wasn’t my fault to have doubted him,but his pain is that he tried making me trust him for 10months after we got back and yet I didn’t trust him.that I made him feel not good enough and that I have hurt him deeply,that thought he might not ever be able to breakup with me emotionally,but he can do so physically.that I should move on with my life as he does same and that I should stop calling him(as I was bombarding him with calls and msgs) so that he could heal and move on.that I deserve something better and he appreciates my efforts to try patching things upt iwth him,but that the relationship has taken its course.talked to his friend and he asked me to move on that he didn’t want me to hurt more.
I’ve begged and cried to trust and love him more but it seems he had made up his mind(I made that call 4days after the breakup)Now I want him back,still misses him and fear he would go back to the other girl whom he hadn’t made contact with for 10months now up untill that party.the thought of him with any other girl haunts me.I feel he wants to get back with the other girl,though he had sworn he has no emotions for her.pls what should I do to get him back?what should I do?would this no contact rule help me here?he already kept saying before now,that I might never know how much he loved me and kept to his promise till he’s gone.I just want him back,I’m so wrapped around this guy,I can’t do without him.we’ve been together for 2yrs and 6months now..I fear to loose him.all my insecurities were out of fear of loosing him, what should I do?chris help me please.

admin

November 3, 2013 at 6:16 pm

Have you done the NC rule yet?
keisha

November 3, 2013 at 6:52 pm

Yes I tried it for only 4days,then I texted and called him apologising.that was when he said all he said;all the “I should move on” stuffs. I don’t know if starting another NC rule would be wise since he already said he wasn’t going to change his mind because I’ve really hurt him by my act of distrust for 10months.and he already said that the rel had taken its course and that there was nothing left.I really don’t care all he said,all I want is for him to comeback and for me to right my wrongs and prove to him he was more than enough for me,because he felt otherwise. I just want to know if using the NC rule will be effective on him atall.if it would bring him back or make him think that I had really moved on?
admin

November 4, 2013 at 4:58 pm

Sure it can be effective on him for sure!
keisha

November 5, 2013 at 8:36 pm

Chris,I have a feeling it might not work.what if he has already moved on?he sound like he has,he sounds like he’s with someone else.he hasn’t replied any of my messages since the last messages I sent him 4days ago before I started the NC rule. I feel his mind is made up but I want him back.What should I do?
admin

November 6, 2013 at 4:53 pm

Its possible but you are still soo early in NC give it a chance.

Nataliya

November 3, 2013 at 11:24 am

Hi Chris,

10 years ago I had a colleague at work who I was in love with. He was in a relationship at that time, so we never had a chance. Nevertheless, he has always had a strong sexual desire for me, this I know for sure. When his relationship was about to end, he made a move, but towards sex rather than towards a relationship. At this point of time I moved to another country, got married, After some time I came to my country and old place of work for a visit. After this visit we started to text, mostly sexually. Then we agreed to meet, I came for a visit. This did not finish well, and we stopped any contact for the next 8 years. Half a year ago he found me again, and we started to communicate, very actively, all initiative was on him – both phone, video and texts. This has continued for 6 month on almost daily basis. This communication was both sexual and not. Nevertheless, the sexual part was more significant than the other part. When he wrote me – he was already married. I was getting separated. He wanted to meet again. Nevertheless, I felt like – if we keep the contact – we balance better between sex and other conversations. Lately I felt the balance was not good enough for me, so I wrote a text ( not offended text, just a statement) that I will not be keeping this contact further on because it does not satisfy me emotionally. This is where I stand now. I do miss him anyway, but do not want to continue this contact unless it takes more perspective into what I need. Is a no contact rule to help me here? I know that he would want to keep the contact with me, permanently, but I want to let him know that it will not be on his conditions only.

Hope to hear from you!
Thank u, Nataliya

admin

November 3, 2013 at 6:14 pm

I agree do things on YOUR conditions and not his.

Have you done NC yet? I really think it could help.
Nataliya

November 3, 2013 at 7:12 pm

Hi Chris, thank you for your reply, I do the NC now, it happened recently, so I did not text him after I sent a text I wrote u about.

The same day I sent the text I was sitting with my IPad and then a message from him came, I managed to read, he write something like “I like too I can discuss my problems with u”, nevertheless this message from Skype appeared and immediately disappeared – not sure if this was a Skype issue or he deleted it or it was meant for someone else. So, I did not reply, of course. What I fear is – if he writes me back as a result of NC – can I trust this or will he be playing emotions towards me because of his desire for me? If I know he is insincere – I do not want to communicate with him, I ‘d rather leave him. But he is a , and he is good as telling what u want to hear if he needs to…
admin

November 4, 2013 at 4:57 pm

Keep in no contact and don’t engage with him.

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