The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

Marie

September 24, 2015 at 2:05 am

So my boyfriend just broke up with me but I love him so much!!!!!! I miss how we would hangout everyday and I see him everyday. And I asked him why he broke up with me and it was because he couldn’t handle arguing with me anymore. I am so hurt and I hate myself because he is such a great guy. But a part of me believes that he still loves me to. He said he was afraid that he’s gonna make me feel this way again cause he knows I’m how much I’m hurt. But I said you never know!!! I love him! And this no contact rule is killing me because I feel like I can do more to get him back. He always says how he doesn’t deserve me but you don’t know.

Bianca

September 20, 2015 at 12:20 am

Hi Chris- thank you for all the great advice on your site. My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me 13 days ago. I was heartbroken the day he did it and cried and asked if we could try two months apart instead where we date other people, have no contact, and then meet up and see if we want to try again or not. He was very against this idea (I don’t know why) but eventually agreed to it. The first week of NC he reached out and text or called every other day (I did not answer anything). The last 6 days has been nothing. My question is -Is he not trying not because he is the turned “into ignorer” or was he reaching out originally because he just felt bad for me? It’s driving me nuts that he hasn’t tried more.

K

September 19, 2015 at 3:02 pm

Chris,
I need help! My boyfriend of three months broke up with me (this was my first relationship & I am 25 years old). End of August he started working out of town (over 300 miles away) and I was having a hard time with him being gone; missing him. I had visited him the weekend after he left town, and everything was great. All of the sudden, 5 days later, he stopped texting me throughout the day, and when he did text me he was short with me. I, of course, was panicked and called him asking why. He claims he’s been busy with work, but I could clearly feel him pulling away. He told me to “pump the breaks”, so of course that made me freak out even more and confused me, because he was always the one talking about marriage and a future with me. Always telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me long-term. So, of course, I was so confused when he said back off, and that he needed space. I didn’t text him all day the next day, he finally contacted me that evening, but was talking to me as if I was one of his buddies. So, I called him again (I know, shame on me!) But I was so confused and emotional, and I wanted to know what he was thinking exactly. So, he tells me he can’t handle this drama, and he doesn’t have the time and patience to deal with this right now, because work is important to him and he has his plate full. He was coming home the next weekend and I asked him if he’d talk to me in person when he came home. He agreed, he said he would “do some thinking” and that I needed to “chill out” and he would call me when he got back home. After doing some thinking, I called him back that night and told him not to worry about calling me when he gets home, because I could see things weren’t going to change.And I felt that he really didn’t want to talk to me anyway. So, all week I did not contact him and he did not contact me. I was heartbroken, and it was a horrible week for me. When Friday came around I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I texted him telling him I changed my mind and would like to speak to him. He ignored me. The next day, I tried again. He responded saying he didn’t like the need for “constant reassurance and affirmation”, and I simply told him I didn’t like to be ignored. I went on and on, basically, begging him to talk to me in person. I finally got him to reply the next day, at first he responded with “I have nothing to say to you. You know where I stand.” And that hit me where it hurt. I texted him a lengthy text, explaining how he was making me feel, and wondering why all the sudden the man who said he loved me and wanted to marry me wouldn’t even talk to me or face me now. He came back with a long text, saying how he loves me and cares for me, and he still wants a future with me if he knew I wouldn’t make a big deal about him being away for work. “He cannot be with someone who is not mature and confident enough to handle it.” I explained that I could handle him physically being away, but I can’t handle it when he mentally checks out. We then started texting back and forth; he said we would continue to talk, but he wasn’t saying “yes or no to getting back together right this minute” and he said he would do his best to see me and talk to me before he went back the next day. I left it alone. When the next afternoon came and he still hadn’t contacted me, I texted him a few times. His response: “you just can’t leave well enough alone for the time being, can you?” And, stupid me, really couldn’t. I was emotional and heartbroken. So, after me texting him again in response to that, he basically tells me that when I get all this figured out “on down the road” to give him a call and then we will talk. That was the last time I heard from him: September 7th. I texted him on September 10th admitting that I was being needy and insecure, and apologized for putting him through that. (I realized just how desperate and needy I had been) I told him I wouldn’t bother him again. We haven’t contacted each other since. Have I ruined my chances of getting back together with him? I am ashamed of how desperate I acted and now I’m afraid I have lost him for good. Do you think the no contact thing will still work? Thank you for your help!

me

September 17, 2015 at 10:36 am

What am I meant to do with a guy who breaks no contact specifically just to tell me that not talking to me has been so peaceful because when I don’t talk to him nobody stresses him out… why does he feel the need to contact me just to tell me that…

Sally

September 14, 2015 at 6:20 am

Hey Chris. Thanks for the awesome advice on your website. I’ve been in no contact with my ex since 3 weeks now but a lot has happened in between and I don’t know how to handle it anymore. So here is my story, my ex is also a senior co worker but works remotely out of state(a long distance relationship). 3 weeks ago we fought over something stupid, he asked for a nude pic and I was kind of uncomfortable sending it, he got furious and blocked me from his phone. I felt awful, depressed and anxious, came across your website and started implementing the 30 day no contact rule on him. Week 1 was terrible, I kept thinking about him 24/7, week 2 I tried to keep myself busy and also did some of the things you mentioned on your page, I put up new selfie on Facebook and lo and behold my ex liked my new picture on Facebook. From that moment on I knew, the no contact rule was working on him, 2 days later he unblocked me from his phone and sent me a work related msg. Now I know you had said ” no contact even if he contacts you” but this was related to work and I had no other option but to respond, so I ended up responding in a very professional tone, keeping it short and to the point. Currently in on my 3rd week of no contact and 2 days ago my ex messaged me something work related, this time around I didn’t jump on it immediately to reply. I believe he was expecting a response and as I didn’t respond to him at all, he sent me another rude msg, blasting me away over something stupid work related mistake I did and also blocked me on his phone again!! I miss him badly and I was just being patient for the no contact period to end so I could start contacting him gradually after that. Also I have to contact him regardless tommorrow as there r some work related issues that need to be addressed and I have a deadline to meet. I would have to call him tommorrow for these work related issues and although I could keep our conversation professional, short and to the point but then I’m concerned as I want to know if this would be breaking the no contact rule? Please help!!!

Wendy

September 13, 2015 at 9:45 pm

Hi Chris!
This article is sooo helpful and thank you so much for running this fantastic website! I’m hoping you can answer a couple of my questions!
I’ve just finished the 30 day NC period with my ex. He broke up with me because he said he no longer felt the same way about me 🙁 I got sick and lost a lot of weight before we broke up and he knows i’ve been unwell and he hasn’t even bothered to see if i’m alright… Before I consider him to be a truly horrible person, i’ve been doing some empathising and I think my ex falls into two categories with regards to this article. He is either stubborn or scared. Maybe even both. I’m wondering if it’s possible that he is scared about contacting me even though he broke up with me? I was very angry, upset and emotional when he dumped me and I didn’t say anything when it was his birthday so i’m wondering if he thinks i’m just really angry and is scared of emotional backlash from me?

Anyway, the whole run up to the break up and the break up itself he has been asking for space and he said he needed space now we’re broken up. So i’ve given him his space – not a peep from me whatsoever in over 30 days. I think I pushed him to break up with me (not my intention at all) a bit as when he was asking for space I became the most annoying text and call gnat!! SO embarrassing! Now NC is over i’m wondering if I should press on and do 45 days NC or if I should try and reach out to him now? (He has just started at my uni and i’m worried he’s gonna be meeting a lot of girls there so i’m anxious about doing 45 days but maybe it will better in this instance? I’m still pretty emotional) I was thinking of sending him something like “Hey, just wanted to say that I get I was being pretty full on and stuff the past couple of months. I see now that we both needed our space. I just had a lot on my plate lately and it was making me very emotional”. The aim of this is so he will hopefully stop seeing me as an emotional wreck and will stop thinking negatively of me (though hopefully NC has been helping with this too). Would you recommend me saying this? Should I say this and then going back into NC for another two weeks to complete 45 days NC? I really want to know what you think about this as I don’t want to make a bad first move seeing as i’ve worked so hard on the NC part.
Thanks Chris!! 🙂

Heartbroken

September 13, 2015 at 2:18 pm

Hi Chris,
I’ve been dating my ex for 1 and a half year. We were great for the most part but there were a few ups and downs of mostly me letting my anger get the best of me. I got in grad school in another state about 5 hours away and we had talked about splitting up a few months before I left but decided we would give long distance a shot before we did that and made plans to see each other at least once a week.
However, two weeks before I left for school he ended things. He said he can;t do the long distance because he knows it would never work especially since we had been fighting more than normal. I was so thrown off and hurt. I pleaded and begged and we both cried. In the end we decided to spend the last two weeks together until I left. He kept saying how much he loved me and cared about me and that this was for the best even if I couldnt see it now. He said that he hopes to know me in the future and if there’s ever a chance for us it would be in the future when we’ve changed and matured (I feel like this might be a cop out answer).
Anyway, I spent the first week kinda still talking to him and even begged a little. I realize what a mistake that was because I am sure I looked very desperate and needy in his eyes.
I decided to go the no contact route. Today would be a week since I started NC. Do you think NC would work on a situation like mine–where he seems to have his mind completely made up?

Thank you

Nocontactfan

September 12, 2015 at 5:57 am

Hi Chris,

What if he sends an ‘accidental text’? Is that him testing the water? With smart phones it’s so hard to text by mistake surely. He said ‘everything okay? What are you doing tonight?’ Then immediately after sent ‘I’m so sorry…that wasn’t for you’.

I am on day 12 on no contact and feeling determined to finish. I went silent after he broke up and said let’s not talk for 3 months. I think he didn’t expect me to stop talking to him. I don’t think I expected to. I’ve been putting a marble in a jar for each day and find that really works!

I just want to mention to your readers how brilliant I think NC really is for you. I started it off kicking and screaming. Now I’m feeling great about it. For the first 7 days I was obsessing about him and feeling horrible. Then I suddenly started to think about me again. I realised that I deserve better than how he treated me. It’s like that with other men too. A couple of guys asked me out last night, and because one wanted to hang out at his and the other wanted a lift…I thought no, I’d rather be home alone on a Friday than being with a guy who doesn’t treat me wonderfully. I’d rather be alone in general. If anyone has read this far….please keep NC! You really need this time to find yourself again! It’s turned me from a needy walkover to independent. I’ve been doing lots of research into self-confidence and self-esteem and exercise really helps. It’s got to leave you really out of breath for the endorphins to kick in!

Thanks again Chris!

Irina

September 11, 2015 at 12:04 am

Hey Chris, i recently discovered your website and i find it very interesting.
I have one problem with my ex..
We broke up two months ago but we kept contacts until now..I decided to start the no contact rule but i think he is a TOO stubborn guyhe always said”If you don’t contact me, i will not contact you” And it’s not because he’s angry or he has the “aftertaste” but just because he’s the way he is.
That just scares me a lot because he’s overproud and i think my NC rule won’t work out because he won’t contact me…

Sarah

September 10, 2015 at 4:47 am

My ex and I have broke up previously due to his inability to communicate with people when he is in a relationship… However as soon as we break up we communicate wel land get back together. This time we broke up and he seems incredibly sure of his decision. He has baggage he needs to work out. We dated for 2 years.
We spoke the day after the break up to figure out how to tell people & I have to give him his stuff back on Friday. I was going to talk to him and tell him that it is his own fault things went south and that he needed to sort out his issues etc. but I don’t know if I should just drop his stuff at his front door and leave.
We are in the same friendship group, so I will see him on weekends… How do I do the NC rule when we will see each other out? I’m not prepared to lose friends over this and we decided that we should be friends because we work better that way.

Dia

September 9, 2015 at 8:28 pm

Will no contact still work if

1. We were long distance (but currently geographically closer than we were)

2. We were never officially together, he referred to us as “close friends” but we acted like we were dating in a lot of ways and he said that the distance was the main thing stopping him from making it official, would talk about wishing I lived closer so we could date etc.

3. Things have been strained between us for a year, and have been very very strained for about 6 months…. for the last 6 months he hasn’t really treated me like we are dating but more like just a friendship with occasional flirting.

4. He has recently angrily said he feels like I’m putting a lot of pressure on him for a relationship (I havent intentionally done this)

5. We have fought quite a lot and he has developed the opinion that I’m a needy drama queen… attempts to be calm and happy around him don’t work because he now interprets everything i say and do, even neutral comments, as being drama, he has become overly sensitive and mistrusting – he admits this but still does it

6. He has been refusing to see me in person for 3 months because he “would like to but is afraid it will lead to drama”

7. Our last conversation ended with him saying that he “doesn’t want to talk to me right now because nothing ever changes” and me telling him its up to him when he wants to talk next. We are on day 9 of no contact after that and he hasn’t messaged me at all

8. I have asked him if things could go back to the way they were if we stopped fighting and he said he “doesn’t know” and “doesn’t believe I’m capable of change”

Things are so strained and it’s been months since they’ve been good and he’s become so distant…. I just dont know if NC has a chance of fixing things

Anna

September 9, 2015 at 3:51 pm

Hi Chris,

I’m going super crazy over here. My BF/Fiance and I were together for almost two years. 6months ago he broke up with me because he told me he wanted to work on himself. When i said I would appreciate it if he respects me by no contacting me anymore he blew up, after a few days. He called my phone so many times, texts, send me flowers.. I came over to talk to him because I felt like i owed a conversation since we have been dating for so long. We ended up getting back together and 1 month later, he broke up with me again saying he wanted to work on himself, school, work. It has been 14 days of no contact after he broke up with me. Please advise me on what to do. He hasn’t called, texted, or anything. I just want to know if he misses me too, and if hes going to call me back.

Karia

September 7, 2015 at 6:50 pm

I am dealing with an angry guy who was never my boyfriend, but we were interested in each other. We were friends online for several years, and he tried to flirt with me persistently for all those years without reciprocation from me. Eventually we met in person, and I became interested in him and we became quite close. He told me he wished i lived closer to him so we could date, but did not want a long-distance relationship. However, we continued to talk constantly and flirt a lot and basically act like we were dating in a lot of ways.
I was very confused by our situation and I started to get clingy, overanalyze what was happening between us, bring up long emotional discussions all the time etc.. and he began to pull away and get increasingly annoyed. We also started fighting a lot about the fact that I was very open about us online and he is a very private person.
The fighting escalated until it was really happening quite a lot. I made a conscious attempt to respect his privacy more and to be less needy, but the damage was done. He became very angry and resentful, picking fights with me, snapping at me all the time. He pulled away more and more and for the last few months he has basically treated me like just a friend, but still often blows up at me. He developed this idea that I’m clingy and full of drama, and began frequently misinterpreting neutral things I said as being drama, much to my confusion… and so often neutral conversations about every day topics would lead to him suddenly getting angry. He admitted he was overreacting to things but then continued to do it.
He is saying that he still considers me a “close friend” but he is currently refusing to see me in person because he “doesnt trust me not to create drama” and “I’m crazy” and “I don’t realise how much this has all bothered him”.
I’m not sure if he is showing so much anger because deep down he still has feelings, or if it’s just because I’m annoying him by wanting more than he does. He did say he’s feeling a lot of pressure from me for a relationship, even though i have tried not to pressure him into anything.

This is someone who pursued me for years and seemed so, so interested in me. He used to want to talk to me all the time. Is there anything much I can do now? Can a situation like this be salvaged by no contact? I am a lot closer geographically now than I was. We have been in no contact for a week so far after the last time he blew up at me and said he “didnt want to talk to me right now because nothing ever changes” and hasnt messaged me since.

crystal

September 7, 2015 at 3:59 pm

My boyfriend and I were together for over two years. I broke up with him because I couldn’t handle the arguing back and forth. But I eventually realized that we could’ve just worked it out. So for many months, I tried anything to get him back but now I realized that the only way reconciliation can work is if I do my own thing, and not initiate contact. Two weeks ago, ago he went to a rave, danced and got close with a girl while we were talking and trying to work it out and that extremely upset me so I cut all contact with him. And during that week, I was really pressuring him with rules like we were together but I quickly realized that it only drew him away and pushed him for commitment when he wasn’t ready for it. Since that week of doing that, he went to the rave on his own with his friends and then that happened with that girl. It really angered me and I have told him that I dont want to talk to him anymore because of it. I have been following the no contact rule and he has reached out to me during the no contact period. Last week, he texted me saying that he is extremely sorry. That his emotions towards me arent angry about what happened. That he just misses me so much and that he gets reminded of me repeatedly in his life. He said that he misses my company. He also told me that I was the very best girlfriend he ever had and also said that I will always have a piece of him. He said that he knows that I am worth it and the reason why he didn’t want to get back together was because he didn’t want to go back with anger or hatred. He apologized many times in that text and even apologized at the time when I said that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He also said in the text that he could beg and plead on his knees for forgiveness but feels like it wouldn’t work with me. That me and him eventually may see eachother soon since we go to the same college. And at the end of the text, he said that everything that he said is true and real about how he feels. I saw him unexpectedly in college like two days later after he sent his text and he asked me if I received it and I told him that I did and that I will answer when I am ready to respond. He said okay. It has been a week since he sent it and I havent responded. I think it triggered his emotions into anger because I didn’t respond. During this past week, a mutual friend of ours has been contacting me to see how I am doing and what I have been up to. I barely talk to this person unlike him so I know its him wanting to know. I keep it short and dont provide information to this friend about my business or my emotions because they will only go back and tell him. And I believe that since I didn’t respond to him and responded to our mutual friend, he ended up going to another rave just recently and danced with that same girl again. I dont have him on instagram anymore but we have mutual friends and I have them on instagram. The no contact period is almost up and I will respond positively but I dont understand what to really believe. Does he really want me back in his life? Why keep going to these raves when hes upset at me or hurt? I feel like this girl that he met at raves with will be or is already now probably a rebound. Or maybe he likes her? Im not sure but no matter what, I am keeping my emotions in check. I feel a lot better during this no contact period but I truly feel like it hurt him really bad the fact that I didn’t respond to his apology text.

Laya

September 3, 2015 at 8:53 pm

Hello my name is Laya and I am currently in NC mode. Anyway just to clue you in I was in a long distance relationship but my ex broke it off saying that he couldn’t do the distance. Not even an hour later he texts me and tells me that he is willing to try again but I know he was just doing it for me so i ended it. He told me that I would never lose him and continued to call and text me. I haven’t responded to any of his calls or text which is really hard because we have had feelings for each other since high school and have just gotten the chance to truly express our emotions. He still continues to call which leaves me to wonder does he want to try and work things out or does he just need an ego boost? Im currently 17 days into my NC and don’t want to break it if its not necessary. what do you think from the outside looking in?

Ashley

September 3, 2015 at 6:02 pm

Hi Chris,

I broke up with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago, but he wanted us to be friends even after the breakup, he kept texting me every now and then asking what i was up to, and i always responded to his messages, this went for a week, i met him again to see if there is any chance that he changed his mind, but nothing happened, felt like he already made up his mind. I read your blog recently and thought of applying NC for a month, i sent him a text saying we cant be friends now and wished him luck, he replied saying he understands and may be in future we can be good friends. It’s been 5 days now i haven’t contacted him, neither he tried to contact me, but i want to stick to 30 days period. Even if he contacts me, do you think he would still ask me to be his friend? he is very emotional and sensitive, he is scared of getting hurt again since i lied to him few times though i told him i would never lie to him again, but he said damage already made and we should move on.

Jackie

September 2, 2015 at 2:12 pm

Hi Chris,
I was with My ex boyfriend for almost 2 years. During this time we broke up a few times because I didn’t like the way he treated me. Recently I found out I was pregnant and during that time, we were broken up. The day I told him I was pregnant, he was really happy, told me he would change and not stress me. We even took a trip with his family, but during the trip he started acting disrespectful. When we came back from our trip I told him I wanted to talk to him because I wanted to explain how I was feeling and he agreed. I arrived to his home and he basically hurried me up and said he didn’t have time to be going back and forth with me. I was devastated to see his reaction and the way he was treating me. I started crying and I left. We haven’t talked but I did invite him to the first doctors appointment. He seemed mad and didn’t really talk to me. He was distant and cold. Once we were done with the appointment he asked when was the next appointment and I told him I would let him know. The following day I found your website and I started the NC rule. He reached out once, but I didn’t respond. Next week will be my 30 days and that day I have the doctor’s appointment. Not sure if I should invite him or just go by myself and let him know after my appointment how the baby is doing. Please advise.

brooke

August 22, 2015 at 8:40 pm

hey Chris, i have been reading your article for a while and im doing my best to listen to your rules to get my ex back and i would greatly appreciate if you reply back to this. my story goes like this…… my ex-boyfriend and i was together for 7 months and i honestly feel he is my first love. this month he broke up with me saying that he just wanted to be friends and he just wants to be single right now . i felt like my whole world was coming to a ending, agreeing with the terms because i figured id rather have him my life some way then no way. i began to go through my first heart break knowing that im in love with this man i searched for help (how i ended up here) . so after reading i put him on the freeze out . after 10 days i was a mess all i could do was think about him and him continuing to call and text the whole 10 days didnt make it easier . but on that day i became weak and answered and he still felt the same but addmitted he felt bad about it and he never wanted to hurt me so the next day i basically told him if i cant have him how i want him , its not fair for him to have me how he wants me . resulting me to start my no contact over and placing him on block from my phone but not social media . i began going to the gym , hanging out wit friends and he finds anyway possible to get my attention but of course i ignore him . so yesterday i received a message from him on snap chat basically saying he really been needing to talk to me and he dont understand why i continue to ignore him however i still did not respond . then today i go on facebook and hes taking about me in a very disrespectful way like calling me indirect names and talking about he’ll never put his trust , commitment and heart in to no one undeserving and ending it with call his ex (me) a hoe! . im so hurt i would have never expected for him to stoop that low to vent on facebook about me i never did anything to disrespect him . so i blocked him on facebook and snapchat to stop myself from responding to such foolishness. i just need to know do i continue on my no contact or does this mean he never really loved me. please tell me what to do cause apart of me wants to call and lay him out and give up on him. but reading you article kinda talks about anger being a good thing . advice please

Tyra

August 22, 2015 at 6:43 pm

Dear Chris,
My broke up with me after 1 year relationship. The reason why we broke up is quite general/basic problems. We fought too much, we have insecurities so he thinks that he we both just strengthen our insecurities. Another problem is that I am 3 years older than him. It can be said that I already have a career and he’s finishing his 2 masters. He is very ambitious and smart, that is why I love about him. He even tried to find a job before he’s finished with his masters but unfortunately he didnt got the job. Since he’s a man with achievements a.k.a never been failed before, he was very down. When he broke up with me, he still loves me and I still love him, very much.
He said to my friend that maybe we can get back together but he doesnt it in the short run.
Anyway, I followed your NC rule, but apparently he texted me cause he was worried about me. I texted him back and said, I am still unhealed bla bla bla, and he asked “when we can talk again?”, And I said to him that I need some time.
Apparently, he wants to talk about us, long term. So I said that we have to learn for what has happened before otherwise the next meeting will be useless.
My question is, was I wrong replying him? And what does he mean about talking about us, long term.?
Thanks for your answer in advance.

Kirsty

August 21, 2015 at 4:26 pm

So he says he still loves me and has never stopped, and says right now he feels happier by himself…. but still came round to see me a couple of times and when i told him how i felt he wanted to meet up but then he said he was happier by himself. He said might be chance in the future for us….

he was the one who said “i dont want us to talk, don’t call me and I’ll call you when you go back to uni. I’ll call you soon.” and hugged me and everything …. i feel like the entire NC is on his part and I’m just doing it all wrong. Suggestions? :s

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