The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Feilicia

January 5, 2016 at 11:44 am

What if my ex also do the no contact rule? What should I do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 17, 2016 at 9:13 am

Hi Felicia,
Hmm..how did you know? If so, do you know how long he’s going for?

Sarah

January 4, 2016 at 7:04 am

My boyfriend broke up with me after returning from spending Christmas with his family. He stated that he could not stand the pressure of helping me raise my 11 year old daughter and doesn’t want a blended family. I was completely blindsided by this because prior to leaving he told me he was the happiest he’s been in a long time, possibly ever, and we discussed moving in together when my daughter would be on summer break (he even had a room in his house picked out for her). I have known him for 2 years because we work together, so he has known for a long time that I have a child and her father is not in the picture. Fortunately, we work in different departments of a hospital, so I do not see him every day. I would like to reconcile with him because we have many common interests, we have similar goals in life and mostly because we were happy for 99% of our relationship. Within hours of the breakup I found this website and immediately started no contact (I hadn’t contacted him even before finding the website). I have to say, no contact is extremely difficult! I want nothing more than to call him and beg him to come back, but I know that will have the opposite effect. Many of my friends tell me I should call him and tell him my feelings, but I know that this is not the right time. It is discouraging that he has not called me, it has been almost 9 days and I haven’t heard a word from him. A part of me thinks that he wants nothing to do with me and has moved on, but another part of me knows that he is very stubborn as mentioned above. I feel like if he would call me then I would know that he still cares. I could really use some encouragement.

Sarah

January 24, 2016 at 5:56 am

Thank you. I’m past the no contact period and I reached out to him as described on this website. I got a positive response. I also saw him at work since the breakup and we had a friendly exchange in passing. However, I’m using these encounters as an extension of the olive branch in order to show him that I do not have negative feelings toward him and am open to talking. The ball is now in his court. I cannot change his mind, if he wants to reconcile in the future he will have to make that decision and put in the effort to do so. I also cannot sit around and wait for him and have made plans to live my life to the fullest over the several months. I hope he will change his mind, but I cannot promise I’ll be available if and when he does. I do feel like my odds are good since I followed the advice found here.
Sarah

January 19, 2016 at 9:30 pm

It’s been 24 days I’m still heartbroken and haven’t received a call or text from him. There really is no solution because I will always have my daughter. The only thing we could do, if we reconcile, is to be open in our discussion about raising my daughter and emphasize that I do not expect him to be her father. My stance on that has and always will be that I want a partner for myself and am not looking for someone to help me raise my child.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 21, 2016 at 2:57 pm

You’re a good mom Sarah. Honestly, not every mom chooses their child over a life partner. So, I congratulate you on that. Whatever happens, if you keep it that way, you’ll find a decent man that will accept both of you.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 19, 2016 at 12:59 am

Hi Sarah,
how are things now? if he told the truth about his reason, do you have any solution for it?

May

January 2, 2016 at 6:07 pm

I forgot to say that he has not contacted me at all after I sent the two texts. It’s been a little over 2 months that I sent the texts and we have not spoken for those two months.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 19, 2016 at 10:50 am

Hi May,

Other than texts, do you have any other ways to contact him? Like social media? Since it’s been two months of no contact. Why not try again? Start a test text and work slowly. Start over like being someone who wants to be his friend. If he asks about what you really mean about your previous texts, that’s the time you can clearly say in a nice way that you were just emotional. If he doesn’t ask, wait to a point that you’re comfortable with each other again before starting an emotional conversation.

May

January 2, 2016 at 6:04 pm

Hi Chris,
I know there is no way for you to know the right answers because you don’t know my ex but I’ll quick explain anyways to get some guy insight (since I don’t have really any guy friends). My ex broke up with me 5 months ago because of a few reasons (too stressed out with medical school, couldn’t handle a relationship, we were fighting, felt like he couldn’t give me 100%, felt that he couldn’t put in as much effort as I was). He said he wanted to be friends, and that he’d always be there for me and that I could still call him and that he doesn’t want me to hate him etc. and so we talked quite frequently for 2-3 months post-breakup and then he didn’t contact me for 3 weeks then he texted me and during the small talk conversation he mentioned a memory (moreso indirectly- we had gone on a trip previously and he mentioned he went there with his friend). It made me feel angry, confused, hurt that he would bring up a memory and stir up feelings when HE is the one that broke up with ME. I got upset about this (mostly because it hurt knowing that even tho he might miss me or think fondly of the memories that it’s STILL not enough for him to want me) so i sent him a text the next day saying to please not contact me unless he wants to have an actual conversation and that he hurt me and i’m finally starting to move on and that this was his decision (to break up, not be in my life anymore) so that he should stop causing me heartbreaks. I was quite emotional when I sent the text even though I slept on it before sending it. I wanted him to know how he hurt me cause he was acting like it was no big deal that we broke up, like he just acted indifferent about it and I couldn’t understand it so I wanted to stir something in him by sending that text. He didn’t respond so i texted him 5 days later just saying that I knew the first text came on strong but that I do care about him, and that he can talk to me, and that he has a part of me that no one else does etc. (we lost our virginity to each other). With the second text I tried to still sound like I meant what I said in the first text but now I realize maybe the second text just sounded contradictory and he may be confused, along with clueless and/or stubborn. We were always good at communicating and never played “games” so it’s weird not hearing from him especially if he does care about me. What are you getting from this?
Katy

December 31, 2015 at 1:53 pm

Hi

Would you agree I’m doing the right thing in implementing nc with my partner. We’ve been together 3years and this year has been a bit rocky for us as he keeps talking to me like dirt and humiliating me in front of his daughter, Iv told him countless times it has to stop also I always feel like him last priority. Now we have gone days on end before without talking but it’s always me that contacts him because I suffer bad from anxiety. I feel though this time round I really need to stick to Nc because the way he talks to me in front of his child is degrading and humiliating, I feel maybe this is my last option to leave him be now until he sees his own faults without me making it easy for him like I have in the past. I welcome any advice or truth I probably already know anyway lol!!!

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2016 at 9:42 am

Hi Katy,
That’s good You’re setting standards for yourself. Why not think of the NC period as time to cut yourself from negativity and learning to find or generate haappiness?

Shalini

December 29, 2015 at 8:01 am

Hi Chris,

I’m dating a married man with a kid who is so clueless about his life. He does not love his wife or have any chemistry together, their marriage was more of each of their own benefits.

My bf is a very confused person of what he wants. Today he can feel I’m his world and the next day he can reject me and not want to be around me and even sometimes he will decide to be with the wife for the sake of his son.

We have been very much in love for the past 2.5 years but i must admit it did not take 2 hands to clap it was more of me trying my best to bring this relationship to a better chapter. I did almost everything a wife can do or even more and he knows it but does not appreciate.

Recently we got into an argument and he said a lot of hurtful things and we ended it. I am apply the NC rule and it’s my 4th day today. Do you think he will come back?

Chris Seiter

January 16, 2016 at 10:59 pm

Hes married…

I hate to break this to you but you will probably be caught in limbo land for a long time.

Honestly I think you should move on.

phool

December 25, 2015 at 3:44 pm

Hi Chris,
I really need ur help here..its is really complicated problem to explain..we were in a relationship from last 7 years.. And we have broken up one time and I have kind of used the no contact.I did not know about that then but I had lost all hopes of getting back and the breakup was really bad I gave up and stopped contactinghim at all.. He called me after 3 months..we got back together.. After that 5 years later today he has broken up with me again..The reason was that he is really busy and used to give me very less time so one day I burst out and said really mean things to him.. He didn’t say anything and stopped all contacts with me I said sorry like 100 times..he then blocked me everywhere..literally everywhere.. I also tried no contact for 20 days but gave up and called him alotttt.. He finally recieveved my call and said I am breaking up with you.. And he never wants to see my face..now I am totally heart broken and hopeless but somehow because of the last time the thought that we will be together again comes to my mind.. Now what should I do..I really really really love him..I want him back.. Please help me..
tryingmybest

December 25, 2015 at 3:32 pm

Hi
My husband left 5 weeks ago by texting me to say I had done this and that wrong. We have had a tough time financially and he said he couldn’t take the stress anymore and moved out. I was devastated. He wrote me a long letter which I received a week after he had left, in which he stated all our lovely memories and wished me well in my future. I opened the letter and called him. He agreed to go away for a weekend with me which we did, and it was lovely. We were due to go away again last weekend but at the last minute I got a text from him saying he didn’t want to go away because he had found out I hadn’t paid a bill and the creditor had called him to chase for the money. I called him frantically, and texted him for three days, begging him to speak to me so I could explain myself. I hadn’t been able to afford the bill but was working hard to get it paid off. He wouldn’t answer the phone nor reply to texts. So 6 days ago I decided not to bother him anymore, to go NC, and changed my Facebook profile so it was in my maiden name. I then received a message from him two days ago (so 4 days after going NC) saying he couldn’t believe I had changed my Facebook profile but wished me all the best in my future as I deserved to be happy. I replied saying that he had stonewalled me and that if a couple can’t communicate there’s no hope. I ended the text wishing him every happiness too. I don’t know what to do with myself now and I am so sad. I don’t think he has read the reply I sent him as I sent it via whatsApp and only one tick has shown, indicating that it hasn’t been sent to his phone or he has blocked me. I love this man with all my heart and don’t know what to do! Please help.
Anya

December 21, 2015 at 3:18 pm

I’m not sure if this is the correct page but I’m in the middle on NC and have a question for when it ends. Basics, the 9mth relationship was the best and healthiest either have had. Talked rather than blamed etc. We both had commitmentphobia and can be runners. We both said we didn’t want marriage but I think we both warmed up to it being together. I also am abit unconventional to his traditional background.
2 weeks ago today he went to 2 weddings in 1 weekend. Was introduced to a girl (we didn’t tell people of us because it adds pressure – mutually agreed), he went silent for a week. (apparently had a date with this girl but also I know to help him distance from me), I asked whats happening, he came over, said being with me he now wants marriage & he knows I don’t, he told me of the girl and said he can’t try to find someone if he’s with me. I know he was trying to start a fight (it would be our first one). I was upset but told him 1. my thoughts of marriage werent as stuck as he thought and 1. I care so much that I want him to be happy and if this is what he has to do then I understand. He said he didn’t want to lose me from his life (he has never been friends with exes before) and when I said no because 1. I have feelings 2 it will stop him from truly working out what he wants. He asked if I I would still bring back something I promised from a overseas trip next month. I said yes of course but I will hand it over, and left. No hanging out.
I now realise though I wont want to be his friend, neither do I want to cut him from my life. I’m also worried that he gave up so much to ‘try a few dates’ with this girl that he will be using her for feeling transference and he may stick with her because it cost him so much to do so.
So My Questions:

1>How does the NC affect a guy doing the rebound thing (not listed in your 7)

After the NC finishes, I want to send him a email, to check if I have the full list of items (yes that is the excuse) and mention I realise I don’t want to lose him from my life but cant feel I can be friends either so am unsure what to do. I doubt he will contact me otherwise because he knows I normally say what I mean & 2 he’s keeping himself busy with work and dates (I assume) so he doesn’t have face how he feels).

2>Do you think because NC will be over this is ok to do. I also am considering asking him for a coffee but maybe I shouldn’t. He may ask anyways.As i will need to see him to give him the items. Thoughts?
Gem

December 21, 2015 at 8:28 am

Hi Chris (or as I like to call you, hero Chris),

How do women stay confident during NC for 21 or 30 days? I’m applying the NC rule at the moment and some days I feel confident that I’m doing the right thing with the NC, but other days I get insecure if NC is the way to go. How do I remain calm & positive during the NC days? I’ve been applying the NC for almost a week now and every two days he sends me a message (nothing fancy, just chitchat) and I find it hard to not reply, what if I don’t reply, he just moves on and forgets about me?
Debbie H>

December 17, 2015 at 3:06 pm

So I have bombbbbeeedd at the NC Rule – I stopped calling him and then he texted me several times and then called and I picked up and then he went back to Deb you work on you and someday there can be an us…. what is the someday… I don’t get it… So know I’m day one of NC – can it still work even though I caved… I’m worried if I don’t take a call he will be happy that I am strong.. .he always says I’d rather you happy and strong and with someone else even if it doesn’t mean being with me…. he calls tells me he knows we will be together… I have been with him for a year – he is in the middle of finalizing his divorce…. I don’t know if he wants to come back or if he is just stringing me along – will nc work??
Katie

December 17, 2015 at 2:54 am

Hi Chris,
I made the mistake of being the GNAT for a week (or two :(. ) after we break up. Now that I finally got it in my system that there will be no relationship or even friendship unless I do NC to give us time and space…is it too late….I realized how much I have pushed him away cause of how different he acts toward me now…he used to be sweetest man, he said all these things about us having a future together, now it’s like we’re walking on eggshell with each other, he gets so angry at me easily as if he hates me now….I also made the mistake of sleeping with him after the break up….obviously that didn’t work out because he treats me like a fwb while still tells me he loves me . That didn’t sit well with me….I’m determined to leave him alone and work on myself right now….although he said “we are not compatible with each other you are not the girl for me, we should not be together ever again” am I a fool and hopeless for thinking that NC rule can change what he strongly feels and what he does not want which is a relationship with me
Amy

December 16, 2015 at 2:45 pm

Hi Chris,
I am in desperate need of advice here, I am driving myself crazy! I met someone on-line and talked to them numerous times a day through text and phone conversations at first. We spoke for about 2-3 weeks before eventually meeting up which was an amazing 2-3 weeks getting to know him, alls we did was laugh and have great conversations. On our date he was such a gentleman and even told me that he hid his online profile. He told me detailed things that he liked about me. He asked me how I thought the date was going. We had a great time and he even called to tell me that twice, the next following days. We were playing the next date by ear because his work schedule (he is a police officer). He was working a lot and the text and phone calls were happening less and less. I would always let him initiate for the most part. Well the next date day came around and I didn’t hear from him and he didn’t respond to me at all. I ended up calling him the next day. He apoligized for not letting me know. Long story short, the texts and calls got less and less. Two weeks after our initial date I had a traumatic event happen with my family and it made me start overthinking about life. Well I freaked out and I sent a text being totally honest about how I didn’t feel that he was interested anymore and so on. I know that this should have been a conversation and not a one sided text. He responded the next day with “ok”. I asked him if he would like to have a conversation about this, or if he “this ship should sail”. He said he could chat later that day. Well that was the last I heard from him. I acted on my intuition and how I was feeling, but now I am regretting it, and may have lost something special. I have sent two texts after that apoligizing(one initially after it happened and one a week later) and asking to talk. Still no response. I am now on Day 7 of the NC rule and I just have a feeling I am never going to hear from him which hurts. I sucked up my pride and apoligized for my wrong doing. It took me a lot to do that, why can’t he just tell me to “get lost”! Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Amy

December 16, 2015 at 9:35 pm

Also this is the last text i sent…too desperate? i didn’t know what else to do…
“I don’t know what else to say but speak from my heart. I messed up bad. I am very sorry for being irritable and weird last week. I was going through somethings and was not in a great place and handled everything incredibly wrong. It was very out of character for me and I was not myself. I have really learned from my mistake. I had a great time chatting and laughing with you and getting to know you and would love the opportunity to try to make up for it. Do you think that is possible sometime? I am still interested in you and I hope to hear from you when you are ready”
That was 1 week ago of NC. Please advise! Thank you so very much!

Katie

December 16, 2015 at 2:45 am

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend just broke up with me two days ago and said he just wants to be friends. He did not really give me a reason for breaking up other than he doesn’t know if I am “the one” and does not know if he is ready to take the next step in saying I love you. He said he wants to be respectful of me and respectful to himself and not prolong the relationship if he does not see it turning in to a marriage. Nothing was every wrong in our relationship we got along great, had the same morals and values. We both came from a Christian background and want to date intentionally. He brought up the conversation once before regarding him not knowing if I was the one and if he was head over heels for me, but that conversation never came to a conclusion and we kept dating. He said he just wanted me to know what he is thinking and struggling with. We started dating in April and I ended things in May because I did not know what I was doing with my life at the time (job situation) but then we got back together in the end of July. It has been two days since he broke up with me and I am attempting the NC rule. He just texted me saying I just want you to know I am thinking about you and I hope you are doing ok. Do I reply to that?
Gem

December 15, 2015 at 2:17 pm

Hi Chris,

I have been dating (so he is not my ex boyfriend) with a guy which recently dropped the “I think we should take it slow” bomb. We do still talk, it’s not as intense as it was but it leaves me kind of confused. I have tried to start the NC rule and after 4 days he contacted me, obviously I failed and replied. So I decided I will start the NC rule from today again and give it a go for at least 1 to 2 weeks.

Does the NC rule also work on my date who is ‘confused’ about his feelings for me?
U

December 12, 2015 at 7:50 am

Hi Chris,
I think my ex falls in the “angry guy” category because he does not want anything to do with me and means it. What do you think I should do to get him back?
Phybs

December 9, 2015 at 10:54 pm

Does NC can also be applied when you are on a break?
Carly

December 8, 2015 at 2:35 am

Hi Chris! I’ve met this guy a while ago. He was one of my ex’s best friends. Few months after my previous relationship ended we met again, and things evolved. As I was planning to find a new house, he offered to help me. But after 1 week he wasn’t going home anymore. I didn’t wanted things to get that serious, but I liked him and I just went with it. Things got confused a bit after, with my ex boyfriend and so, the relationship started being really boring, stressful for both of us. After a month he took the decision that he wants to break up. I was out of the country at that time, so he talked to the landlord, he gave up the house that we were having and he took my things into his house. When we broke up I said to him that I didn’t wanted anything that serious but I like him and I still want him in my life. He said to me that he felt rejected lately, but so did I, but the talk about our relationship we’ll have it when I go back into the country. Till then we stay friends and he will call me, but he didn’t. So I NC him. We weren’t friends on Facebook and his profile is private, but mine is not. After the break up I started po sting that I’m happy, how much fun I have. One day i’ve received flowers. Few hours later, he blocked me :)))) on Facebook, not on whatsapp or any other. Now I am in the country, but I haven’t contacted him, although I should. Soon, no contact will be over, but i’ll be out of the country again. Should I text him for Christmas or so? Or wait till I come back? Do you think that he still wants me? What should I do?
Anwesha

December 5, 2015 at 7:08 am

Hi Chris,
My bf of 4 years broke up with me last month saying that we both want different things from life. Our relationship was really special and both of us did a lot for each other. He was loving, caring and responsible everything that a girl would like. But from this year beginning I saw changes in him where he used to get irritated on small things which he used to love earlier. I am a bit emotional person and I cry over small things which he said he couldnt take but i didnot hide anytjing from him so i failed to understand why he is giving me such a reaction after knowing me so well all these years.He started talking about break ups which he never used to before and it forced me to think that he is thinking on that line for a long time and it was a conscious decision from his side. I got scared when i realized he is drawing away from me.It made me insecure and it pushed him further away. He failed to see why i was behaving like that. I think he is the angry guy now who dont have anything to do with me. He started NC with me long back during which i broke down. I begged him. I. Did everything possible to get him back but he didnt change and was unwilling to listen. He told me very hurtful things repeatedly and now i have no strength left in me to text or call him as I am scared to get hurt again but still now i expect him to call me or text me one day which he is not doing. I have initiated NC with him for 2 days now with no result. But he actually keeps blocking and unblocking me in watsapp. And once during this time he also said that he is doing it on purpose so that i can become strong and that he still cares for me. I cant be angry with him for long as i love him but his words and actions are contradicting as i see him chatting with any girls in fb and never for once he have tried to contact me to know how am I doing. I am really clueless now. Should i go on with the Nc rule and wait for the results or shall I move on for good?
christine

December 5, 2015 at 2:19 am

Hey,
myself and my ex where together when we were 16 for over 2 years we broke it off and didn’t speak for 3 years, but always thought of him, He got with his then girlfriend and myself went with a fella. I broke up with my boyfriend and he broke off with his, not long after. A few months after the break up we started talking again and getting on really well, which lead onto other things. He then told me he cared but didn’t want a relationship right now but still wanted me in his life, which leads up to now. A month ago, we got into a fight and I said goodbye and deleted him off all social media and any other way of communication for 3 weeks. I didn’t hear from him till I was out one night and we started talked again, that was one week ago and since then we have been in non-stop communication, about life, friends or complimenting each other. Guess my question is, did I do the right thing in talking back to him only after 3 weeks? as he seems to have missed me and wants to stay in contact or just him wanting me there for the weekends..
Thanks…

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4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”