4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

1. 

   Amy

   January 31, 2016 at 1:26 pm

   Hi, my ex bf broke up with me for two months and I’ve been NC for one month . Haven’t been trying to reconnect with him because I thought this is more complicated since he hasn’t try to talk to me since the break up . His reason for the break up was he lost his feelings , never really knew the real reason . I’ve been dicplicine myself on the Nc rules because I want to calm my mind and think through if I really want him back my life . You know there’s a saying ” if he was meant to be , he will come back to you ”

   But my question now would be to let it go for if it meant to be ? Or to be brave to tell someone you really love how you feel?

1. 

   Amy

   February 1, 2016 at 9:51 am

   Hi, thanks for the reply. When you say reconnect with him , when is the right time to reconnect with him ? And how can I reconnect with him ?He’s the stubborn one and once decision made he won’t change his mind . I dunno if I still can .

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   February 2, 2016 at 12:34 pm

   After nc 🙂 The next steo is texting him. Send a first contact text that’s interesting for him.

3. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   February 1, 2016 at 5:28 am

   Hi Amy,

   For me both sayings are true. 🙂 Try to reconnect again but don’t say outright in the first text that you still love him. Like in the rule, take everything slow. rebuild the connection and then the attraction. If after this it doesn’t work out, then at least you tried right? After you’ve been brave and if it didn’t work out you can then rely in the saying that , If it’s meant to be, destiny will bring you back together.

2. 

   Kara

   January 31, 2016 at 9:29 am

   Hi, I’m not sure what to do in my situation and I really need some advice because I don’t know if I should continue to hope me and my ex will reconcile soon one day or I should just give up hope and move on.
   My boyfriend and I broke up 6 days ago and since then we have been talking on and off. We have broken up two or three times before but we resolved it almost immediately previously.

   On 21 November 2015 we had a big fight but he actually stayed over at mine that night after we talked and it was late. But the next day he brought up the fact that he was unsure if he could see us being together the next 30 years and we broke up over the phone briefly but we ended up deciding to try again.

   Then, he lost his job in December and he was really upset and stressed over it and his family was really harsh on him over that. In early December I went on holiday with my family and when I came back a couple of days before Christmas, he wanted to break up again because he felt that he can’t handle being in a relationship and his career right now. He said that it was not me but him. We met to talk about things and we ended up not even talking about it and we watched a movie. Later on when I asked him about it, he said that when he met me he thought I was really cute and he missed me and that he could not bear to do it because he loved me.

   A couple of days later after Christmas, we celebrated my birthday and I got angry at him because I felt that he did not put in any effort because he said he wanted to cook for me at my house but when he came over he didn’t bring any ingredients and he wanted me to drive out with him to buy them because he doesn’t own a car. We had a big fight, which I admit was mostly my fault but we ended up resolving it and just enjoying the day. That night I left for a holiday with my friends and he came to see me off at the airport.

   Everything was fine while I was away, we texted a lot and talked on the phone and when I came back, he came all the way to see me at the airport. He said he had to attend a friends birthday as his friend was going overseas the next day and his friend lives all the way in the west near my ex’s own house. I told my ex that I might eat dinner with my friends at the airport before heading home and he was fine. He was really happy to see me despite coming all the way to the airport just to see me for about 45 minutes. We spent the next few days together and we had a wonderful time, but I ended up crying a couple of days later in the car because I was really stressed about my own future because I’m not sure what to do and what career to choose etc. But I think he took that as me being unhappy with him despite me trying to explain it. He texted me at night saying that he feels really upset when he sees me cry and he hoped that I could accommodate him for these 2 months while he looked for a job and he could not spend so much time with me or look after me. I said I was fine and I tried to comfort him about his situation.

   I started a new job in the middle of January 2016. Just a couple of days later on 19 January 2016, he wanted to break up again and he said that he really could not handle the stress of a relationship and looking for a job, he said he felt like he could not handle it and there were a lot of tears and we ended up patching things up again.

   On 23 January 2016 he wanted to break up again. He texted me the night before at around 4am saying that he was sorry and that he didnt love me anymore and he did not see a future with me anymore. I was distraught when I woke up to that and I was really upset and spent the day with a friend to feel better. But later on that night I went over to his place to sort of talk and break up face to face. But I broke down and I cried and we talked a lot about his feelings and my feelings. He said that he still loved me but he felt that he was useless as a bf and that he could not be there for me and that he was not the same person anymore and that he felt that he was not good enough to be with me. He said he needed to run away and improve and come back stronger and that he felt that I was not happy with the “broken him”. He felt that we were both not ready and that the timing right now was really bad. He told me a lot of really personal things about his feelings and he broke down too and I’ve never seen anyone look so defeated. I was really upset and he said lets hug and when we hugged I couldn’t stop crying and we ended up deciding to patch things up again. I stayed over that night and he said he was sorry while we were cuddling and that he would never let me go. I felt really safe in his arms and I thought we were finally fine.

   But two days later, while we were talking on the phone, he wanted to break up again and he told me about how his family had a lot of financial problems and that things were really hard for them. He felt that it was all up to him to solve them and he said that he really could not handle a relationship right now because he felt like he had a lot on his plate. He had to help his parents and find a job and figure out a direction in his life. He felt that he would be a burden on me and he said he loved me a lot and he couldn’t lie to me. I decided to agree to break up because I felt that he really had a lot going on in his life and I think he needed to figure things out. He also said that he could not even love himself right now and I felt really bad for him and I’m trying to give him space now to get a job and sort himself out. He said that it would be unfair for me to wait for him and he said that he wanted the best for me and said that I should move on. He said that he didn’t want me to change for him and that he wanted me to be who I am. He had previously applied for a job overseas and he was offered a position but he told me that he turned it down because of me.

   I’m not sure if I should wait for him and if I do how long I should wait for him. My gut feeling is that he does really love me but everything that has happened in his life is really overwhelming and he can’t handle being in a relationship with anyone now. He promised me that he would not date anyone else and that he would talk to me when he has sorted his life out and he feels that he is ready. But I don’t know if I should wait because I don’t know how long it would take and I don’t know if he would want to continue a relationship after he sorts everything out.

   I’m really sorry that this is such a long post but I feel so confused right now and I feel really frustrated and I can’t focus on my own work because I can’t figure out what to do.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   February 1, 2016 at 5:13 am

   Hi Kara,

   I can feel that he’s telling the truth from your story.It is hard when you know you have something so good but seems so far. I don’t know how long you should wait or if wait is even the right term. But for me it’s like, letting him sort his problems and if you can help him, help him out while setting aside your feelings. I think the best way is to move on with your life and if he comes back, have a serious talk on how you’re going face problems together this time.

3. 

   CJ

   January 30, 2016 at 2:03 pm

   Hi, I’m so confused about whether or not I should be doing nc with my ex and I need advice! We had a short relationship that was put to the long distance test too soon, when I came to Korea for 3 months after only dating for a month and a half. We were really great together, but I got a text saying saying he needed to be single and that there was too much stress in his life right now (family problems) and he recently decided to go to school for 2 years, 5 hours away from where we live. So it would become an even longer ldr…. he said he liked me the most he’s liked anyone ever, and his mom will be so mad cuz she wanted to meet me (I was his longest relationship actually), but he doesnt want to burden me with his problems. Anyway I was understanding and we ended on good terms, but he is such a good guy and I want him back…I tried to do nc immediately, thinking I will ask to meet him in person in 1 month when I am back in the country. It’s been 5 days and he has sent me a few texts, first asking how my cold was. Then another text asking how things are in Korea and how things are going to suck for him so much over the next 2 years, but I haven’t responded even tho he knows I read it…..what do I do? It’s so hard not to respond to him :'( Should I even be doing no contact???

1. 

   CJ

   February 2, 2016 at 5:11 am

   Thanks for the advice. I did end up messaging him and so far we have just talked like we would normally. So far no mention of any relationship stuff on his part or mine. What should I do from here? Keep messaging him like a friend? What I want to do is just ask if he would meet me when I am in Canada and if he agrees just not talk to him until then :/ I have too many questions about the breakup that I can’t ask. And he seems to be doing a bit better. But I just want to have a talk about our former relationship and have him break up with me in person instead of playing all these games. We are both being careful what we text each other and I don’t like it. Is it okay to mention the relationship?

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   February 3, 2016 at 12:29 pm

   Actually, it’s more of getting comfortable with each other again. You can ask of course,but it’s best that you’re sure you can be calm to avoidan emotional fight. Time it right so he wouldn’t it be awkward for him to answer.

3. 

   CJ

   January 31, 2016 at 8:29 am

   Thank you so much for respponding. So you don’t think no contact is a good thing then? I do want to respond and be a good friend to him and help him through this. But at the same time, I’m afraid staying in contact will only keep my hopes up and hurt me more, because in the end I want to be more than friends. I’ve already ignored his messages twice. It’s almost one week now. Should I respond if he messages again? It will be so much harder to make him think I’m fine if I am talking to him than if he just thinks I’m fine based on my Facebook, which I only post happy things. I’m just very conflicted. This break up has hurt me more than I thought it would. It feels too much like he would be using me as a crutch while giving nothing in return, but I could do it if I thought it would make home reconsider.

4. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   February 1, 2016 at 4:11 am

   Well I’m banking on the his image that he’s a good guy and because you ended things in a not so bad way. That maybe, after 5 days of no contact, he has realized that his worries can be solved. That he’s not burdening you if you try to make this work. But if it hurts to talk to him, then of course don’t. He’s a good guy. He’ll understand that you are taking your time .

5. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 31, 2016 at 3:59 am

   Hi Ch,

   Yeah, no contact doesn’t fit everybody of course but I think in your situation he definitely needed space because he was overwhelmed with everything. But I don’t think you have to do 21 days nor 30. It’s been 5 days right? And it looks right he’s trying to connect again, the short nc is helping you in a way that he’s realizing you’re not an added responsibility. He misses you. For me, answer him but be careful about asking to go back with you because I don’t think he changed his mind in a short period of time. I think what you need to work on more is letting him feel that you’re fine and that he’s not a burden. Be a good friend, be he’s destressor. And make him miss you once in a while too. Don’t be too present or you’ll end up in the friendzone. Maybe even add a little jealousy tactic if he hasn’t ask you back after being comfortable with each other again.

4. 

   Louise

   January 30, 2016 at 12:32 pm

   Hi

   My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday because he does not want to be in a serious relationship and he says his mind is all over the place. I was shocked at this. He says that it the certain circumstance and something may happen in the future. We have been together 6 months. He said he still wants to be friends and wants me part of my life yet I replied saying you cannot have your cake and eat it, he also said that this is not final and we can speak later this week. The thing is I will see him around as we have lots of mutual friends and go to university together. When I got home I messaged him saying I think we should speak in a week and will contact after I have thought about things and he replied with I can message him any time. What should I do?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 31, 2016 at 3:46 am

   Hi Louise,

   If you really don’t to be friends, it’s your right to have distance. The good thing about his offer, is that he’s open for reconnection. If you’re ready to talk to him after a week, just be calm about it. BUt to be honest, don’t put your hopes up. Maybe focus on making that week like you little nc period. Improve yourself and don’t attempt to contact him in any way.

5. 

   kay

   January 30, 2016 at 6:02 am

   My ex-bf and I were together for almost 5 years. He got employed in his dream job over a year ago and he started to change. He was always the one to talk about the future and ever since he started working he told me how he’s not sure if he’s ready to commit. I tried to compromise for a year, trying to understand his point of view but a week ago i finally decided to break things off. He had a history of emotional affair (which he really showed remorse) so i don’t know if he’s using this “not ready to commit” to cover up for another affair to push me away. When I told him we needed to break up he cried but didn’t fight back, he just accepted it and told me to move on because he couldn’t give me what I deserve. I broke NC after a day because I needed to pick up something important at his place, I brought him dinner because I knew he liked to skip meals. Our relationship was really good, we really connect, had a lot of similar interest, so i don’t really know what’s going on. We’re still young (early 20s) and his friends at work are mostly late 20/early 30s and single, so i guess he wanted to be more like them. He told me he didn’t want to have his life figured out just yet, that’s why he didn’t want to plan for the future with me (which is frustrating for me because he had no problems before meeting his current coworkers). It’s now been 5 days since our last contact, I’m actually doing a lot better than I thought I’d be but still I’m a bit sad because I think he’s moving on well, he’s really active on his fb and seemed to be doing really well (I have now unfollowed him so I don’t get updates on his life). Now I still don’t know if I truly want him back or it’s just my current state of emotions making me think that I need him, but what if he never contact me back after 30 days? and he knows that we want different things so i don’t see him changing his mind, thoughts?

1. 

   kay

   January 31, 2016 at 5:56 am

   Hi Amor,

   thanks again for you reply, you’ve been really helpful 🙂

   I suppose you’re right. But it’s just like what you said, I know eventually he’ll change his mind once he’s matured but I don’t see that happening in the next 30 days which is why I’m doubtful, I don’t want to get my hopes up. And I understand, as Chris said, I have to always be ready for the possibility of not getting back together, ever. It’s going to take him years for sure before he can say he’s ready to commit, and I’m afraid by that time he’ll be with some new girl and that girl will be the one he chooses to spend the rest of his life with.

   It’s sad really, because before he landed his current job, he used to ask me (I’m quite career-driven myself, but that never interfered with our relationship in any way) if I would leave him if he couldn’t get a job and I used to tell him no, of course not. Sure I’d love it if he’s able to get employed in something he really loves, but truthfully It never mattered to me and it wouldn’t make any difference to my love for him whether he was jobless or not 🙁

   thanks again for reading this Amor. I must applaud you for reading every single comment here and reply to them, you’re a rockstar 🙂

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 31, 2016 at 1:39 pm

   Aww thank you too Kay!

3. 

   kay

   January 30, 2016 at 4:34 pm

   Hi Amor,

   thanks so much for your reply, i really appreciate it

   Hmm, to be honest I didn’t see signs of emotional affair coming from him, but I am not too sure because he had become less open to me in the past year :/

   By not letting it go, do you mean I shouldn’t have broken up with him? Or do you mean I should just try the 30 days NC first before finally deciding whether I truly want him back? It’s just, the relationship has become too exhausting on my end, being the one who always had to initiate everything in the past year. Everytime I brought it up to him he’d say he’s exhausted from work, not ready to commit etc. He’d always apologise but he never changed.

   I forgot to add that actually a year ago he suggested for us to go our separate ways because he didn’t think he was ready to commit and wanted to be by himself. We were broken up for a couple of hours before I decided to talk to him and ask for another try (my friend convinced me to do this, looking back I think this was a mistake). He agreed to give our relationship another try because we’ve been together for so long and that he still loved me. However, ever since then, he grew distant from me, always avoided any talks involving the future and he’d always use “not ready to commit” excuse.

4. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 31, 2016 at 4:14 am

   You’re welcome 🙂 Yeah, I mean by trying NC first before finally deciding. So, I think if you’re going to decide to try this again, don’t make all the effort. You’re two people in the relationship. Let him make you feel you’re wanted because you deserve it.

5. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 30, 2016 at 3:33 pm

   HI Kay,

   So, you’re both young. Did he show any other signs that he’s having an emotional affair? Or did you see any other things that indicated that?
   Actually, if I put aside that thought, I think it’s just normal that he’s getting busy at work because you’re both young and he’s just starting out. But he may have had a hard time balancing out because even if you have a great career, it doesn’t mean you have to let go of love. Compromises needed to be done but nonetheless, I don’t think you need to let it go. Maybe because he’s young, he doesn’t know how to handle both yet at the same time. And actually if he’s telling the truth that he’s not ready yet, it’s also normal for his age. So, that can change in the long run when he’s more matured and stable.

6. 

   kay

   January 30, 2016 at 6:10 am

   I guess I should add that according to him & his previous relationships (none lasted longer than 2 years), he’s the type who seem to move on easy. I guess I’m just doubtful whether 30 days is too long for me to go no contact with him. thank you, look forward to your insight.

6. 

   Karen

   January 27, 2016 at 6:09 am

   I need advice. I was with my guy for 2+ years. I was being stalked and he “rescued” me, which, in turn, made me fall for him. He pursued me for a good while though before I ended up dating him (we were long distance and he wasn’t really my type). I was exactly what he wanted in a girl and I’d often wonder if I was settling. We were on and off for 2 years. Our “break-ups” (if you can even call them that) were brief. We’d argue, he’d get mad and block me or stop talking to me for a few days (I think the most we’ve ever gone without talking for maybe a week). I was definitely the fixer in the relationship so save for a handful of times, I always ended up contacting him to fix things. And we’d always end up getting back together.

   We met almost a year ago in person and the first time we met, he met my family and proposed to me (asked my father for my hand in marriage) and wanted to marry me during that trip. My family wasn’t 100% sure and didn’t wanna rush into anything so we decided against it with plans for him to move where I live later on that year once he secured a job. Since then, we’ve traveled to one another and seen each other a few times. He just recently broke up with me again (after I just went to see him in an attempt to fix things) because he said he didn’t think we clicked well. Meanwhile, a week ago, he told me that I would make him happier than anyone and I’d make the best wife and he couldn’t wait to start our life together. I feel like he has commitment issues because he comes from a broken home. He’s not much of a talker either and shuts down when I try to point out these things.

   We left things civil. He dropped me off at the airport, hugged me and since I haven’t heard from him nor have I contacted him. I’m completely heartbroken and part of me *really* wants to contact him and try to fix things (which I know I will probably convince him of) but I just think that my part in trying to convince him to be with me ended once my trip ended. I feel like the only hope we have of being together and him finally being worthy of me again would be if, for once, I didn’t go crawling back and didn’t contact him and let him actually miss me and realize on his own that he wants to be with me. But then I worry that he’s very ‘out of sight, out of mind’ and if he’s talking to other girls (which I’m pretty sure of), would he even miss me? What should I do? I’d appreciate any help 🙁

1. 

   Karen

   January 27, 2016 at 5:24 pm

   Would the no contact thing really work though if he’s already talking to other girls?

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 28, 2016 at 6:04 am

   We can’t guarantee that it will work 100% all the time and for everybody but it can increase your chances.

3. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 27, 2016 at 3:08 pm

   Hi Karen,

   I’m sorry to say this but you’re not a fixer. You’re the chaser in the relationship. I think no contact can really help you. So, do that first and make it a proactive no contact period for you.

7. 

   Tahni

   January 26, 2016 at 11:41 am

   Hello. So I don’t know what to do. My ex and I have been together for 2 years. We love each other deeply, and a lot of our mutual friends contest to that all the time. We’ve been through some tough things most couples don’t normally deal with, including a scare for jail time after his DUI, but I never strayed and I stayed by his side (thankfully he didn’t need jail time, got off on probation). I pushed him after that to get his life back on track again, finish school, bang out community service, find something he truly enjoys doing for a career. Of course he wanted to do those things, but he kept putting them off. Well eventually, as happy as we were, he still became progressively distant as he struggled with difficult classes, paying for rent and his car with a horrible paying job (although this is the closest and only job that took him after his dui, and he needed any sort of money to put him through school. He grew distant as the stress weighed on him, eventually broke up with me on January 15th, 2016. He said he needed to really focus on getting his life together, growing more into himself on his own (he reconized that I also helped him become the good man he is), relied too much on me and needed to finally get his act together on his own, that he feels so far behind, feels like he’s holding me back in my life, that I should be getting married and having kids, and that he can’t do any of that for me given his standing in life. I understood where he was coming from, and of course Itried to explain I wasn’t looking for that yet anyway! After saying everything we had to say, I finally accepted his decision, decided to give him that distance to grow and hopefully he’d come back. We had a beautiful relationship, so I still feel hopeful, and on the day of the break up he told me he of course still loves me and I’m honestly the best hes had/or will have, isn’t trying to move on to other women, and what not. Said he’d be devastating if he did see me move on, but that it’d be something hed have to live with. And so began my day one of NC. I noticed he had been watching all of my Snapchat updates, liking a few things on Instagram and Facebook. Still hasn’t deleted or untagged pics with me. Finally on the 4th NC day, he contacted me evidently seeing one of my Snaps and wishing me good luck with my training for my new job, to please let him know if my sickness gets better or worse, and “sorry you haven’t heard from me, I’ve been really busy. Well have a good day.” WHAT!? Am I supposed to hear from you after you decide to leave me? Anyway, i felt compelled to break nc and did, just to say thanks for the concern (because I dont want to be an ass about health concerns), short and sweet. Began my nc again the next day, and he texted me again! Saying how he finished paying off my gopro gift and could get me all the accessories for free from the guy he got them from… What the heck, what is the purpose for that? Well I couldn’t be an ass, since it involved materialistic things. I kindly replied a thanks but no thanks… and he texted again insisting that I take them since the guy doesn’t need them… well okay. So now I know at some point down nc, he is gonna contact me again about those things, and maybe even about his things at my house, but I knew I’d keep it strictly business when it comes. THEN 2 DAYS LATER… he contacts me again, “Hey I hope you saw the moon tonight, it’s so beautiful, reminded me of you!” Damnit, I was so baffled by that I gave in, waited a hour before replying and keep it short, told him yeah I did and goodnight. He replied instantly saying “I miss you”… Goodness gracious what is this?? I’ve restarted day one of nc, one the 25th, so day one is now completed. But what does this mean? Is this his way of coming back, or is he still confused about his decision? What do I do now? Did I ruin my chances of getting him to come back? I know I still have to reply to him for his things and stuff if he asks for them, even my gopro accessories he insisted on giving. So frustrating, I do still want to be with him, but I also want him to come back after fully realizing how much he loves me, or if he doesn’t. I know a week’s worth isn’t a lot of time to think in depth.. or is it? IDK. I feel this is too long to explain on your voice recorder 🙁 Please, shed some light… thank you.

1. 

   Tahni

   January 28, 2016 at 9:04 pm

   So what else can I do to maintain? I want him to come back, but since he now has the idea that I’m keeping a distance, how can I make sure instead of pushing him away it will entice him to come back? I know he will eventually contact me again about the things he wants to drop off, so I of course will keep it short and sweet.

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 29, 2016 at 1:02 pm

   Okay, as what I’ve said, nc seems to be working for you at this short time.

   I actually think he’s trying to get you back. And you know, nc is not always recommended for everybody because of course nothing is a total solution for everything. But for you, you can see it has a good effect in terms of his interactions with you.
   I don’t think you need a 30 day nc. I actually think you can try to reconnect again when you see him for the materials. Meaning instead of continuing with total nc, whenever he texts engage but make it short and YOU have to end the conversation in high point. I think you’re doing great with this actually.

   And maybe try not to initiate contact for another week. It’s like your own version of NC because instead of totally not contacting him you just let him start the convos. I also think you have to continue doing your improvements but just keep in mind that you’re not back together. let him work on getting you back. Let him see that he can’t lose you totally. You’re like playing the chase now.

3. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 26, 2016 at 1:43 pm

   Hi Tahni,

   No contact seemed to working even if you’re only doing it for a short time. But be careful, he’s doing it because he can see you’re drifting away because he’s not growing but once he knows you’re still there and you will stay, the harder part is maintaining and letting him know your standards.

8. 

   Denise

   January 25, 2016 at 1:12 am

   My boyfriend of seven and a half years told me this past Wednesday by text that maybe we should break up. He said it’s pretty obvious it’s what we need to do and that all we do is fight. I can’t even remember the last time we fought, so that was strange. He then said maybe we should leave each other alone for a while and he’s thinking things will get better. I asked him to be clearer, He responded that he tried breaking up with me. I did not try to convince him not to, I only asked why, since I honestly didn’t know. I asked if he wanted to break up for good, and his final text to me was that he will talk to me about it when he feels better and to please leave him alone. I don’t know if we are broken up, but I’m assuming we are. I did not respond to his text, and it has been a full four days since we had any contact. Is this actual a No Contact period that needs to be continued since I’m not really sure where we stand?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 25, 2016 at 4:35 am

   Hi Denise,

   It looks like it is a no contact that he started but since you didn’t contact him for four days, it’s like your own count too. If he needs space,let him be but try to check his posts of what he’s been up to during this to give you a clue somehow on why he did this but don’t comment or like. Make your own no contact productive and busy so, he won’t think that you’re just there waiting for him

9. 

   Olya

   January 23, 2016 at 4:35 pm

   Hey! It’s been 20 days since he broke up with me using a short text message saying how it’s my fault and that he doesn’t want to give me any chances and that we torture each other and that he is sorry. We were together for 2 years. So we had our ups and downs, but always loved and forgave each other and closer to the break up he was really nice. Saying that I’m great and he is no angel and he is going to become a better person. We had a stupid fight New Years night. It was nothing extraordinary but in the morning he said that he didn’t want me to call or text him. Then he went silent for 4 days. I couldn’t understand and was shocked. Then he sent this last message. He also said that he didn’t want me to call, text or look for him ever again. He obviously had this in mind for quite a time. Is there a point for me to wait? I miss him and I still don’t understand what happened.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 24, 2016 at 12:50 pm

   Hi Olya,

   Try no contact and we’ll see what happens when he gets what he asks for.

10. 

    Robin

    January 22, 2016 at 11:05 pm

    I broke the no contact rule the first time around and we started hanging out and flirting. I said I don’t want to be just friends, and he did not say he wanted to date. I asked him not to contact me, he did a week later still wanting to be friends. I know I have to NC, but I’m checking my phone constantly to see if he is in touch. It is making me crazy. Should I block his number, so I don’t obsess, and so I am not tempted to respond?

1. 

   Robin

   January 27, 2016 at 6:03 pm

   I’ve been trying to improve myself during this (for myself not him) working out, eating better, taking care of myself etc. Although I am trying to stay busy part of me internally is waiting, wondering, if and when he is going to contact me. Everytime I get a message I wonder if it is him. On one hand I feel I should block him completely so that I don’t feel like I’m in a psychological limbo. On the other hand, I am curious to see if and when he contacts me (of course if you doesn’t, I have to be honest, that will bother me and I’ll feel like psychologically he has the power). I’m really confused and keep going around with this in my head. Thoughts?

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 23, 2016 at 11:36 am

   Hi Robin,

   There’s another way, be more productive. Do things that you enjoy. Waiting is really frustrating.

11. 

    Amina

    January 22, 2016 at 4:36 pm

    Hello there. Thank you so much for your insightful analysis on NC. I would like to ask you though if I am doing the right thing implementing it with my ex.
    We were together for almost two years. In the meantime I got divorced with two kids – and he is going through his divorce with two kids though. Our situation with the 4 children is extremely complicated, I know, but for a good 1,5 years our r’ship was really good. We both tried to go towards a patchwork family setup. Then when the question had come whether we should move in together, things started going down (less communications, drifting away on his side, more fights on small things, feeling alone in the r’ship). Eventually he said to me he can’t see himself moving in together with my kids in which situation he would see my children more than his. He did not started filing in his divorce papers while we were together. He got very distant and cold towards me in that fight so we ended up breaking up.
    I was really hurt by that because 4 years after my divorce I really did think we would eventually build a new patchwork family. I am very upset about the whole thing and I have huge doubts whether we really did have to break up. At the end of the day, it was an emotionally hard time for the both of us with the divorces.
    It is done though – and I had no other way of coping but going into NC. It is day 10. I know I will be able to do it for a couple of weeks more, I am healing and even starting to see things more logically. But at the same time I think that as much as I did rush into the breaking up out of fear, just as much I am doing no NC now, without even trying to communicate about the problems we had. So: should I break it now or should I keep doing what I am doing.
    Oh, sex was absolutely amazing in the r’s hip.
    And he did call me like 3 times in the first week, I did not pick it up – then we bumped into each other by accident in the streets: I could see he was a mess and he said that we should talk. I said I need more time.
    Thank you so much for your advice.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 23, 2016 at 11:30 am

   Hi Amina,

   Yes, you can break NC, especially if it roll lead to a serious conversation and hopefully reconciliation.

12. 

    Valerie

    January 21, 2016 at 11:19 am

    How do you get a “scared” guy back if the girl shouldn’t reach out first after NC ?

1. 

   Valerie

   January 21, 2016 at 11:31 pm

   Well, Chris wrote here about different male mindsets. Although I’m not too certain, the “scared guy” seemed to fit my ex the most because I broke up with him. I want to start talking to him again, but Chris wrote that me reaching out first may not be the best idea. I don’t know what to do?

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 23, 2016 at 11:57 am

   Hmm,
   If you’re implementing boo contact, make your life now compelling for him to contact you first. Do activities that he may want to all you about once he sees your post

3. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 21, 2016 at 12:10 pm

   HI valerid,

   Why and what is he scared of?

13. 

    Kaitlyn

    January 21, 2016 at 3:05 am

    Hey!

    My boyfriend of four months broke up with me recently because I was getting too jealous for him. I understand why he left and I respect his decision. Since the breakup we’ve spent the night together a few times; we were intoxicated each time. He agreed to go to a formal event with me last week and we had a really good time together (we were broken up). We ended up talking about the breakup and aired out some things (drunkenly). He says he feels like he isn’t the type of person to be in a relationship because every girlfriend he’s had has accused him of cheating. He feels horrible about it because he says he’s really not that guy and I believe him. He’s just not one of those guys. Ive been working on the jealousy issue lately. I trust him, I just have my own insecurities to work out from my past. It’s easier to conquer than I thought. I’ve been seeing a therapist and been trying to work on it because I want to improve for me. He told me I really hurt him and pushed him away and that I need to learn to trust him. Those words never stop ringing through my head. I started the no contact rule a few days ago and he already text me to see how I’ve been doing. I want to text him back because let’s face it, he’s got the upper hand right now. I shouldn’t be ignoring him. What should I do? I have to see him next week at another banquet so either way I have to speak to him soon. How should I handle seeing him in public with alcohol involved?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 23, 2016 at 12:27 pm

   Hi Kaitlyn,

   Truth is, it’s better if you can talk while sober and that way both of you will remember it. For me, it is better if you have a good talk. No contact is only implemented if you can’t talk to each other properly.

14. 

    Nas

    January 20, 2016 at 10:30 pm

    Hey ! Recently my boyfriend of 6 months currently will be going off to college this fall , i can tell hes confused about what he wants to do but his parents are also influencing his decision . We decided to break it off as of now because he said that he didn’t want to wait till we got to a year and then would have to do the same thing we are doing now . He’s been telling me that he wants to fully get back together after i graduate ( ill be a senior this fall ) and he still wants to see me and talk everyday . He also usually a man of his word. i never had a problem with his honesty nor has he ever gave me a reason not to trust him , EVER . He’s never cheated and never talked to any other girls while in the relationship , even before me he barely talked to any girls . I admit i have lashed out on him everyday since then but i dont want to push him away .I don’t know if i should still be his friend because i feel that he would appreciate that more in the long run because i know he will need somebody to be there for him while hes going to a time of adjusting to the next step of life . But he sounds pretty determined about his decision . should i do the NC since he hasnt really had anytime to think ? do you think it will make it better ? thanks !

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 23, 2016 at 12:14 pm

   Hi Nas,

   If he’s a good guy, maybe he just don’t want to commit to a relationship with you that he can’t maintain because of the upcoming change in his life. If you don’t want to be friends because of what you feel, explain it to him carefully. He might understand and maybe you can reconnect again someday or he can make a way for your relationship to work while he’s in college.

15. 

    Marisa

    January 20, 2016 at 7:26 pm

    Dear Chris and Amor,
    Congratulations on this wonderful and extremelly helpful website! Going through a breakup is horrible but your guides makes the process much more bearable and gives all of us light in the end of the tunnel! Thank you!
    So my story is no different – me and my boyfriend of 3 years broke up four days ago, only we are currently in different countries. During this time I used to see each other every two months. This year we spend the winter holidays with my family in my country (my boyfriend stayed with us for 2 weeks) and then went back to Sweden, where he is from. Our relationship was always very interesting cause we have a lot of things in common. During his stay we had a major fight but managed to work things out before he left. I have to be honest here and say that fights are not news to us, but when things are OK we are very much in love (or at leat I thought so). I was supposed to go move in with him in Sweden and I even bought a plane ticket with a date in two weeks, but after he went back home he stopped calling, only said he was very busy at work. Being understanding for the first 10 days I finally pushed him with an email to tell me whats going on. After two days of no response he finally responded with an email that because of the fights he decided to end our relationship. He didnt even bother to call me! I have a lot of stuff in his house so he suggested that I find a way to get it ASAP. To avoid futher drama and have some time to think I agreed and went into NC. The problem is that he seemed furious in his email, but he also has a stubborn personality and I really dont know how to go about that. He hasnt contacted me since…On one hand I do want him back so I dont contact him, but on the other, in his email he really insisted that I take my stuff. I dont have a friend to take it and using a courrier will not work because of the amount of stuff I have there. What would you suggest I do?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 23, 2016 at 3:17 pm

   HI Marisa,

   Thank you! What will happen if you don’t’ take you stuff back immediately?

16. 

    Scarlett

    January 20, 2016 at 2:56 pm

    Hello. Thanks so for your wonderful insights on NC.
    It was my decision to leave my husband recently. We have a son & were together 5 years. We lost the ability to communicate & our marriage deteriorated. He has been gone 2 months, but we still have to see each other because of our child. I had been feeling suicidal & I (stupidly) reached out to him, only to have apathy slapped in my face…. I kept harassing him anyway…. just hurting so much.
    I have just found your advice on NC & implemented it right away. I am feeling stronger already. I plan to go for at least 90 days…
    Just a couple of questions:
    would avoiding eye contact at child exchanges be a good idea?
    and can going from me being the “frantic caller” to taking on NC be effective?

    Thanks

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 22, 2016 at 2:48 pm

   Hi Scarlett,

   Yeah, no eye contact is your way of doing NC and although we can’t guarantee the NC works 100%, he will notice the sudden change of course, we just don’t know how he will act.

17. 

    Jenna

    January 19, 2016 at 11:28 pm

    This is good advice, however, at what point do you break the no contact? You ignore the guy for a month and then all of a sudden call or text him? And say what? In that instance, he wins again and gets the power back. Chances are, he will ask you why you have been ignoring him for so long. Now, you are back to square one again….what if he decides what is good for the goose is good for the gander and chooses to start ignoring you? This could potentially turn into a cat and mouse game where no one wins. In my opinion, it is best to make a decision as to what you want in the beginning. Be an adult. Tell him what you want and he can make a choice. If he continues playing games, just move on. If he is open to trying again, go for it. I just don’t see the point of playing all of these games. It is mentally exhausting. Life is too short and there are plenty of men out there who can actually give you what you want/need.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 21, 2016 at 3:41 pm

   Hi Jenna!,

   Good point. Actually, no contact rule doesn’t work in every situation and not for everybody of course. We never recommend that it works 100% all the time. One of the advices we give is your advice actually. Communicate before implementing no contact. Try to work things out first.
   No contact is mostly done to the kind of relationships that needs an emotional break for a logical talk to happen or when the relationship has gone toxic or when it’s just a constant exchange of emotional frustrations. And mostly, during the NC period, you’re updating the other party through social media or friends. If ever he/she didn’t see that, the answer to his questions is the reason why you two can’t have a senseful conversation before no contact.

   And no contact is also the same road to moving on. It’s a way for somebody to realize their value apart from their ex. Some of the people who go through this realized that they don’t need the relationship to be happy, because during no contact, you need to find happiness and productivity apart from your ex.

   I hope all of us can just do your solution because you’re right. That’s the adult way. It’s mature. It’s admirable that you know your grounds, which is most of the people who don’t have a proper breakup don’t have.
   That’s why they get used, or they act out of other people’s standards.

   Believe me, I don’t know how many times I prayed for a commenter to just do what you said, so he/she can be happy and find a better person whom he/she deserves. 🙂

18. 

    Ashley

    January 19, 2016 at 4:40 am

    Dear Chris,
    Me and my ex boyfriend were together for a year. In the beginning of our relationship, we did speed things up and it went fast. It was great and we were both happy, but then after 3 months, it started going down. We would have a lot of fights over little things and it would hurt both of us. During that time, I did sleep with another guy and extremely regret it. On to our 4th month, things started to turn out great again and we fell in love. Finally when we were on our 8 months, I felt guilty and told him I cheated. He did cry and was very angry, so I only got to the point to tell him we kissed, but not that we slept together. He did eventually forgive me and we were back together a week or 2 later. Now it’s been one year and I couldn’t continue lying to him any longer because he always asked if I slept with him. I eventually confessed and it broke him. I told him everything that happened. This actually happened 3 weeks ago. After a week, he decided he wanted to be friends, but every time we hung out, he would act a if were together. He’d kiss me, and hold my hand, and we did sleep together a few times as well. But once we would be done hanging out, we’d text and he’d be very short and always tell me he’s busy. I last saw him on Saturday and the kissing and the sleeping together happened. Today he has told me that were friends and we shouldn’t be talking all the time and that we should only be texting “every now and then”. He’s even told me he has his eye on another girl and he doesn’t want to hurt her by talking to me (which he has lied about this before to hurt me back). Quoting what he said, “You need to move on. I have my eye on this girl and I can’t be talking to two girls at once because I know you wouldn’t have liked it if I talked to my ex when I was with you.” We have only been broken up for 3 weeks from today. He then said he doesn’t want me out of his life, but he’ll text me when he feels like it. He said he needs space for now.. I regret cheating on him and he knows it, I am deeply in love with him and a week ago, he had said he still loves me too. Whenever we would hang out, he would always tell me how much he had missed me and stuff. I am respecting with what he wants and not going to text him until he texts me. A bunch of my friends have told me that he’s confused and he’s hurt still when I know he is, but do you think he will ever come back? I really want him back, but I’m not sure of what to do.
    Thank you for taking the time to read my story and I hope to hear from you.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 19, 2016 at 4:54 am

   Hi Ashley,
   Thanks for sharing your story too. He’s hurt but he still wants to be with you. When he comes over ask him what you can do so he can forgive you. honestly I think you don’t have to go under no contact. You just need to talk to each other sincerely.
   And acknowledge that it will take time for him to trust you again. You have to work on it but have faith I can see he loves you. You just need to rebuild the relationship again.

19. 

    Shannon

    January 19, 2016 at 1:38 am

    I’m not sure what’s going on with my ex. We dated for almost 3 years. He broke up with me because he “didn’t want to miss opportunities” like grad school and because “things didn’t feel the same”. We are three weeks into no contact. The second week he unfollowed me from Twitter but he hasn’t posted since Novemeber. But then 3 days ago he tweets “These past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. Ive never been so emotionally drained or filled with so much doubt”. I am worried about him and I really think he made a rash decision with the break up. But this is our 3rd break up. The other times were because he “thought of me as a friend” and the time before that was because he “didn’t see a future with me”. I honestly think that he doesn’t understand his feelings and doesn’t understand that the honeymoon period does end. He also hasn’t contacted me at all but he didn’t during the other times either. He reached out two months after no contact the other times. Is he going to reach out to me? What does his tweet mean? I truly love him and believe he made a mistake ending our relationship.

1. 

   Shannon

   January 19, 2016 at 7:22 pm

   Thanks for the reply. I don’t want to contact him because I want him to determine what he really wants. I feel like if I contact him I will be pushing him one way or another. I want him to decide if he really thinks we should stay apart or if he also believes he made a rash decision and it was a mistake. After we broke up I sent him a text message basically saying that he has done this before and it was a rash decision based on overthinking. But that I respected his decision. All he said was thanks for understanding. That was the last time we talked, 3 weeks ago.

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 19, 2016 at 5:19 am

   Hi Shannon
   I agree with you i think he doesn’t understand his feelings. He’s craving for the feeling that you feel when you’re on your honeymoon phase. He may try to connect again because that’s what he did before but we don’t know for sure. Have you tried telling him what you think? Have you tried talking to him sincerely about it? Maybe that’s what you should do first if he doesn’t understand,at least it’s easier on your side to do the no contact rule.

20. 

    Mahtab

    January 10, 2016 at 8:56 pm

    Dear Chris
    First of all thanks for your great website, I really appreciate your efforts to help people
    Second, my maternity language is Persian and I don’t know English very well,so I may have some mistakes

    my bf and I were together about 2 years, now I’m 23 and he’s 26 years old
    He tried a lot to get me,cause I really wasn’t interested in him,he was my ex best friend, but after my ex cheated on me he cut his realation with my ex,and continue his relation with me
    We were just friends, went out a lot,talk about my ex,then his gf started to freak out,actually he had other opposite sex friends but his gf was just sensitive about our friendship
    Our relationship actually cut off somehow
    Then after a year suddenly I bumped into him one night in a cafe
    And I noticed that his eyes are red
    So as we used to smoke Marijuana sometimes with each other I realized he smoked
    We had a little talk and then said goodbye
    Then at night I sent him text messages
    We talk about Marijuana and I said that I quit and I suggest you to quit it too
    Then he said his gf had gone abroad and cheated on him and he’s so depressed
    He went on therapy
    So we start seeing each other again
    Then after 3 month he started to show his emotion about me
    He said he loves me and always did I was shocked cuz I just looked at him as my dear friend but I was never interested in him as my bf
    Cause I thought with myself he smoke Marijuana he doesn’t go to university and he’s also doesn’t have a serious job
    So I needed to be in a serious relationship
    But At last he succeeded
    We had a 2 year wonderful relationship
    He quit Marijuana, he went to university and he started to change a lot
    He was happy with me
    But now I’m in NC I realize that all the time I was controlling him and try to change him to a man that I like
    Recently we had a bad fight
    Most of the time whenever he went for therapy his behavior changed
    Recently about 2 month ago
    We had a bad fight about why he doesn’t work
    Cuz I was really tired of spending money and I really wanted him to take responsibilities
    Then I started to despised him,I was really mad at him and said too many bad words to him
    Like “you’re incapable, you’re irresponsible, I’m tired of being in this relationship, no other girl would ever tolorate you, I don’t want to be with you anymore and etc”
    Then he shocked and told me I tought you like our relationship,alright go if you want and then he went on NC
    1 week after I became miserable and called him
    I started to plead and asked him to see him and talk to him
    He accepted
    I went to his house and talk to him a lot
    He said I didn’t appreciate him,I didn’t respect him,I don’t know how to treat a man,and I broke his male pride
    He said we weren’t near enough, and he lied to me,he was smoking Marijuana for last 6 month and told me lies
    Then I get shocked he said because we had fights he done that I tried to say that you should take responsibility for your actions you can’t say because I’ve done something then you smoke!
    But he became angry
    And you know he had a real gaurd
    So I had to do anything to break his gaurd
    Everything became vice versa and I became the guilty one,so I apologized a lot and asked him to give me another chance
    We were togheter for 2 weeks and everything was really fine
    Till he went to therapy(he went there every 2 weeks)
    After his therapy his behaviour changed
    We had date but he cancelled it(he never cancelled our dates)
    Then 2 days after that he went out with one of his friends(they smoke with each other and he kmow that I don’t like him) and he didn’t answer my calls and texts,then at 3 am he sent a text that it was too much snow that he couldn’t pick up his phone
    Then next day he called in the evening and he was claiming why I didn’t called him from morning till then
    And where I was,then I became angry and told him your ain’t no more single, were YOU where last night till 3 am?I’m your girlfriend I don’t like you going out and having fun with your single friends who smoke Marijuana till 3 am!
    Then his tune suddenly changed and we said goodbye
    Next day he didn’t call neither I
    Next day after that I called him tousand of times and he didnt picked up
    Then I start texting him
    He didn’t respond
    I text him I have a bad feeling and I think you’re going to break up with me
    Then he called and told me yes I’m sorry I want to break up with you cuz we are not good for each other
    We can’t understand each other
    I truly love you but I can’t continue this relationship
    Then I started to plead he said he’s going to feel bad then hanged up the phone without saying goodbye
    After he hanged up I never called him or texted him
    I’m in day 25 NC,right after our break up,I have a notebook I wrote my feeling there it helps me not contacting with him
    But seriously it was so hard
    He broke my heart and yet I want to be with him
    now I’m in NC I can see myself, I was clingy and needy
    I didn’t appreciate him as a man want it
    I really want him back,but I need serious changes in relationship
    I don’t want to change him
    I want he changes himself,but I’m not that kind of tricky girl who can change his man
    I want him to quit Marijuana, spend his precious time into some serious actions like studying his university lessons, and do something for our future
    I am not ready to call or text him in 5 days and neither he respond I think
    So I’m about to extend NC to 45 days
    But 2 thing worried me a lot
    He smoke Marijuana and I know his now having his own single life exactly have his freedom which he broke up with me for
    He is too stubborn too call or to admit he is guilty too
    Second thing that worries me is his fuckin therapist who is a real enemy to me!
    She think that our relationship is toxic and we have to shut it down
    So because of these 2 I’m so worry that maybe he never respond me after 45 days even
    Maybe his therapist don’t allow him to contact me

    Pardon me for my poor English
    Thank you so much for reading my story and helping me,I really appreciate it.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 16, 2016 at 12:13 pm

   Hi Mahtab,

   You don’t have to apologize for your English. I understood everything. Thank you for sharing your story to us and taking giving much effort to translate everything in English. From what I see, you just wanted him to be better. It was just delivered in the wrong way. After the NC Period, use positive reinforcement instead. Be the best friend again that advices in a light way, even better if you can make your advice funny. Remember how you two started. But remember, if he wants to change, he will change with or without you on his side. You can be his inspiration but the decision will always come from him.