The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Catherine

June 12, 2019 at 5:32 pm

Hi Chris, my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago because he says he’s lost feelings for me (we used to fight a lot) and wants to just be friends.I’ve begged and cried to him for 2 weeks to no avail, then I decided to be calmer and implement the “Being there” tactic, he gave me mixed signals (he’s told my friends that we are dating but doesn’t act like it, has offered to help me in things I struggle with) he’s asked me what’s wrong whenever I’m upset and when I tell him I’m sad because he’s not giving me a second chance he shuts down or makes a sad emoji. I started NC 3 days ago because I’m hurting too much by him constantly rejecting me flirting with him and he’s been a frantic texter/frantic caller throughout the whole 3 days, seems to be angry for being ignored, has asked my friends to make me talk to him, is clueless about why am I not answering him…….Can NC really work on him if he keeps spamming my inbox but still has no idea why I’m not replying? I didn’t want to tell him because I am sure he would’ve just made another sad emoji…

Chris Seiter

June 12, 2019 at 6:48 pm

I do think NC has upside if implemented correctly

Bea

June 10, 2019 at 9:41 pm

Hi Chris and all, thanks so much firstly for all your helpful guides.
I’m really confused about what to do with my boyfriend at the minute- possibly ex. I begged for a break instead of a break up when one argument became the final straw for him. He very reluctantly agreed to try ten days of a break, but he would probably feel the same. I feel like an idiot for begging for one. What should I do when the ten days are over? We agreed to meet that day, and I don’t want to seem like the bad guy by not messaging, but I feel I should be doing this whole no contact rule. Thanks all.

Chris Seiter

June 11, 2019 at 6:16 pm

Hi Bea….so perhaps a briefer period of NC may be in order. I talk about this a great deal in my Program – EBR PRO Bundle

Elizabeth

June 6, 2019 at 5:24 pm

Hello. I was reading your article and i could really relate to the first and second reaction. The frantic caller & the frantic caller turned to ignorer. It is exactly whats going on with me and my ex but since you wrote the article as I AM the one who started NC its hard for me to understand when he’s the one that actually started it. I am the one who turned into the frantic caller then ignorer after i dropped him off early in the morning and he stopped reaching out to me. i really want to know why or how or what i can do about it…. i was only calling and texting about 48 hours after he initiated NC when i got the hint and stopped complete contact with him. Its been about 3weeks and a day and its driving me insane 🙁

Chris Seiter

June 6, 2019 at 10:03 pm

Thanks Elizabeth for reaching out. Glad you enjoyed the article. I know NC can be hard. Check out my Program as it provides suggestions on how to cope during the process.

Sarah

June 4, 2019 at 7:59 pm

He’s not really a boyfriend, nor an ex… just a guy I was dating and liked a lot… we’ve been talking for 7 months… he’s always been dating other girls, but this is the second time he hung out with a particular girl and for a whole weekend… he says he doesn’t want her long term, but he’s not making progress with me and I’m tired of feeling like an option. I’ve explained but run out of breath, so I just cut him off… I miss him terribly and he’s contacted me almost every day since, texting and calling. I don’t know what my intention is, but really it was to just get away from feeling bad… I miss him and wish it could have worked… not sure where to go or what to do from here or if he’ll even want to come back… thinking his contacting me is a good sign? Does this even work on someone you were only dating?

Chris Seiter

June 4, 2019 at 11:34 pm

The principles of the Program have wide application.

Amy W

June 1, 2019 at 3:17 pm

Hi me an my bf had a small argument. But every time we argue I’m the one apologizing and calling him first. This time I’m not calling him first to make up. He always tells me he loves and misses me but I want him to show it now. Am I doing the right thing?

Chris Seiter

June 1, 2019 at 11:40 pm

You might want to consider a brief period of NC. Check out my Program for more details!

Sarah

May 28, 2019 at 7:02 pm

I’m day 9 in to NC and my ex emailed me 4 days ago .which I ignored .it wasn’t a nice email ,just having a go at me.then today he was waiting for a friend near my house and I got out of my car and ignored him..I don’t know if that was the right thing to do ..I didn’t look and carried on walking by …why do I feel bad about that ..I’m sure I’m not doing this right .any advice?

Chris Seiter

May 28, 2019 at 10:05 pm

I think it’s OK. Just keep your focus on completing your NC and focusing on your own recovery and needs.

Sarah

May 24, 2019 at 2:12 pm

I’m a week into NC and it’s been 3 weeks since me and my ex split …he put a pic on his Instagram . Which popped up on mine ..I shouldnt have looked but did ..saying he is happy …is he? Or is it cos he thinks I will see it .
Snow white

May 22, 2019 at 5:06 pm

Hi Chris
My ex and I split up end of Feb. We had a couple weeks of not seeing each other but texting, then when we saw one another it all started up again, I ended up going into the fwb zone, which I didn’t want…so just over two weeks ago I text him and told him I wanted a real relationship with him and don’t want to be anyone’s fwb, so due to this reason I need to take time to get over him and this means I can’t see or talk to him for a while so I can concentrate on myself and hopefully move on with someone who is looking for the same as me. He never replied to that then a few days later he blocked me from Facebook and Instagram. I’ve been in NC now for over 2 weeks and yesterday he reached out with this text; “At some point I’d like it if you could return my belongings or if you could set them aside for me somewhere and I can come pick them up please and thank you…” (these things are not a big deal, ie; boxer shorts, socks, 3 T-shirt’s. Not like he needs them as he has loads!
Anyhow, I waited a couple of hours then replied by text with “sure, no problem”
I haven’t heard anything since. I’m staying in NC until he gets in touch again to arrange to get his stuff as he wasn’t specific and I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to break my NC or see me.
I was out today and saw his parents and his mother said, “ I wish he’d stop being so stubborn, he knows how much we all adore you…he was so happy before!”
Please give me your opinion and advice as to what is really going on and how I should handle it.
Thank you!
Sarah

May 21, 2019 at 5:26 am

Hi it’s been nearly 3 weeks since we split now and he hasn’t contacted me at all..I sent 3 messages and he replied to my daughter not me ..I am now a week away into NC .he has blocked Mebon whatsap but not his phone .he seems to be moving on by moving in with a friend and now has a new group of friends at the local pub.he MSG’s my daughter every day .I guess that’s his way of keeping an eye on me .
Anonymous

May 19, 2019 at 7:20 am

If he didn’t get back to you at all, that’s it. He just don’t love you enough to fight for you and your relationship. A man who really loves you will do whatever it takes to keep you – whether you guys are in the lowest or highest point.

I just broke up with him. Prior to that, I was always in the state of anxiety and that’s when I wanted to feel more affection from him. But everyday was just full of lame conversations. Not to mention him playing online games whenever we’re both online on messenger. So that’s when I did the NC thing.

Then one day I saw him removed all tagged photos we have on his social media account. And I was like so frustrated. I was thinking of giving two weeks. But I failed. After just one week, I messaged him and I said I can’t take it anymore and I felt like I want to break uo with him. Guess what. He replied as if it doesn’t matter to him. I knew right then, he’s not afraid to lose me at all. So why should I be?

We’re almost 3 years but yeah, life happens. ‍♀️
Sarah

May 18, 2019 at 10:20 am

Hi I have just split from my boyfriend of 6 years.He wasn’t making time for me ,he was going to the pub and spending time with mates ..rather than making quality time for us.he even went to a April club rather than making time for me. I made it clear I wasn’t happy and cut off contact for a week ..he has now blocked me and msgs my teen instead ..to pass on MSG’s to me ..he has a good relationship with her ..however I think he is using this to get at me. ..he is now moving in with a friend near where I live.the whole thing just seems a mess ..I feel like I’m being punished when he was clearly in the wrong..I don’t know what to do or if there is anything I can do.
Jj

May 13, 2019 at 10:54 pm

I’d never had a boyfriend. I’m mentally challenged and 45.but I met a guy at church breakfast he wanted to be more than friends 2 days after we met.but I think he has a mental problem.we’re poor so he only came over to eat or go to library,but he called me a gold digger for wanting to go to a movie.then later said hed never say that.like he has multiple personality.However,I was happy when he kissed me and had me touch him,after 2 weeks of knowing him.but it was too fast as im a virgin &waiting til marriage.but thankful thats all he wanted.i only allowed it because he said he was my boyfriend.4 months later,a week before his birthday (he never spent xmas,valentines day or his birthday with me)he stopped contacting me for 2 weeks.he said we were “never dating” & i worried too much what he did,for a girlfriend.he hasn’t written me since.and even ran out of church twice,not saying hello.i think hes afraid of sex and commitment cuz when he saw ladies talking about their sex lives on tv,he freaked out like a abuse survivor&yelled for me to change the channel in a childlike voice.was he just using me to touch him and then dumped me before I expected sex?he broke my heart..ill never date again. jj
Jessica

May 12, 2019 at 8:02 pm

Hi Chris,

I have been dating someone for 4 months, when suddenly it all started to go wrong. He was pulling back and being cold with me. I never knew where I stood with him it was diving me insane. I started to panic and become crazy and clutch onto him as much as I can. We both have kids to other partners and he split with his baby mumma just over a year ago she left him and did some serious damage. Anyway he’s told me that he doesn’t want to continue this anymore because he doesn’t have the time to put into it with his upcoming career and also he needs to work on himself and be alone. I don’t understand it I’m wreck. It’s ended quite badly with me begging and pleading for him not to leave telling him I love him. Do you think NC will work even though he’s said it’s done.

Chris Seiter

May 13, 2019 at 3:30 pm

Hi Jessica….NC has proven to be an effective strategy, though you cannot just do that in isolation of the other elements of a solid ex recovery program. Take a look at my Program, called, “EBR Pro Bundle” as it offers a variety of resources.

Esmeralda

May 5, 2019 at 5:47 am

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 2 months. At first everything was great. We were in love and can’t stop being with each other but then we started having fights. I admit I became toxic. Most of our fights started because I didn’t get my way or because I was complaining about things. I didn’t give him the freedom he wanted and I wanted him to update me about his life all the time. But he was like that to me during the start of the relationship. At first, he was annoying to me but then I became used to him and I kinda adopted his habits. So now, it’s like our roles have reversed. I’m now the obsessed one. But in every fight we had, we made up after a few hours. We always forgive each other and go back to being sweet so I thought everything was okay. But now I think I just took him for granted. One time we had a really huge fight and he told me he wanted to break up but I said I didn’t want to. In the end, we made up and agreed to continue with our relationship. But after that, he became cold. I started complaining to him why he is acting cold. I wasn’t used to it because after we make up, he usually goes back to being sweet with me. He wasn’t his usual self and so, I started attacking him for it. We then had another fight. He said he didn’t love me anymore and he wants to break up for real. He said he doesn’t want a commitment right now and want no limitations. He is currently studying right now for his board exams, and told me he wants a cool off. He said he will talk to me again after his board exams. Of course I said no, which I know was not the right thing to do but I was emotional that time and I kept thinking what if he realizes he doesn’t want to be with me after the cool off period? Right now we are still texting each other. But for now, he doesn’t tell me he loves me or miss me anymore. I have talked to him about our relationship and that I’m willing to change but he said there’s nothing that I can do anymore. I asked him for a second chance and he said if he gives me a second chance, there’s no point because he won’t be sweet with me. I am now seriously considering no contact because I feel like it would also be healthy for me to not cling on him so much. And this way, he’ll also get what he wants. But I’m just afraid is there still a chance that he will commit to me again? If I do no contact, will there be a chance that he will stay in our relationship? He is my first boyfriend and I really love him and I know I screwed up. That’s why I’m scared what if after no contact, he won’t contact me first? What if he realizes that he really doesn’t want to be with me?
Anonymous

May 1, 2019 at 7:40 pm

My BF broke up with me last week. We were still texting back and forth nicely to one another and then he went completely dark on me out of the blue. I turned into a gnat and the next day I texted him to send my things and not to contact me again and started NC. I deleted all of our shared albums and notes, and he has since blocked me from even social media and we weren’t even friends on social media. I am 4 days into NC and I know he’s trying to get a reaction out of me and I’m trying to stay strong. Did I screw up by telling him not to contact me?
Demra

May 1, 2019 at 12:20 pm

Hi Chris,
My situation is complicated…. I’m an unhappily married woman. About a year ago, I reached out just to say hello to an old friend, who was having marriage problems as well. We started texting and having real intimate texts. Eventually he got a divorce and I remained married. He started dating someone else but still kept communicating with me. After they broke up, he was still trying to find someone else and so he did. After he started dating this time, he told me we could remain friends, he still loved me but there can be no more intimate texting. This feels just like a Break up. I’m not sure if I’ll ever hear from him again, not sure if I need too.
Amy

April 28, 2019 at 8:14 pm

Hi!
So my ex and I were best friends. We did so much together and shared so much of our time, thoughts, stresses, and feelings. However we ended up cheating together (he had been together with his ex for 5 years). I told him before he broke up with her that he could stay with her and work things out, but he ended it and we got together. We fought several times and broke up on and off within a 7 month time frame and I finally ended it for good, or I thought. After a few weeks of not speaking I reached out and wanted to try again. So we hung out a few times but ultimately space was put between us, (I asked him to move out so we could take things slow). Well, we never got back together, we stopped talking and on day 30 of the NC, he called me and told me he never loved me, that his ex was the love of his life and that he associates all the bad times in his life to me and that though he doesn’t hate me, he hates me when he thinks about his mistakes. This came out of nowhere because before the 30 day NC we still said we loved each other. It’s been 30+ days and I’m curious which guy this falls under?

Chris Seiter

April 29, 2019 at 9:09 pm

Hi Amy….Obviously, I don’t now all the details, but your ex seems confused about what he wants and what is important to him. Its unclear whether he has attachment issues or is just wrestling with what is important. Thru the continuation of NC you can not only focus on your continued healing and growth, but it also provides an avenue for him to potentially come to have greater appreciation of your value.

Ella

April 28, 2019 at 5:28 am

Hi Chris,

My ex and I were together for 4 years in this time we broke up 3 times due to various different reasons ( his mental health which I think is due to smoking weed most nights) and him talking to another girl We broke up around 2 weeks ago and it was a messy sad ending and then he contacted me a few days later saying he felt guilty of how it ended and wanted to speak, me met up and spoke and he said he couldn’t live without me and he loved me endlessly and he wouldn’t break my heart again and then he got really high and ignored me and then a day later over facetime said he couldn’t do it. Since then he has blocked me on all social media, WhatsApp and my number. It’s now been a week. I’m pretty confident he is talking to another girl already as our initial arguement stemmed from that. Should I do 30 days No Contact? Is there any hope he would come back

Chris Seiter

April 28, 2019 at 6:00 pm

Hi Ella….I do think No Contact is in order here and 30 days is often a period people start off with. I encourage to take a deeper dive into all my resources here at the site and consider picking up my digital Program that should help you with understanding all the things you should post breakup.

Chandler Stone

April 26, 2019 at 9:48 pm

Hey, I’m Chandler. My boyfriend and I are still extremely in love but we’ve gone through a break up due to our own mental health issues. I am a trans FTM male and my gender dysphoria caused a lot of strain in our relationship-combined with a disorder I believe I have called PMMD (a severe form of pms that causes thoughts of self harm). He is emotionally overwhelmed by these problems but told me he will always love me. What do I do now? I want to fight for it. I see a future with this man.
Rosseane

April 21, 2019 at 12:25 pm

Hi Chris! New visitor here. So I just broke up with my bf. He said he couldn’t maintain our communication since his new work takes a lot of his time that he couldn’t manage to initiate a contact because he’s already too tired to do so. We were in a long distance relationship so we can only text or calls. He said he still loves me so much that he did this because he didn’t want to hurt me any longer. We’ve met since middle school (about 8 years ago) and we were quiet close at those time but we’re in an on and off communication. Sometimes we’re so close (as a best friend) but then we lost contact of each other. When we reconnected again a year ago, we finally decided to date. During those 8 years he only dated one girl before me and he said to me that I never really leave his mind. But now when he had the chance to be with me again as a lover, he just let me go so easily. I always thought it’s because he’s just not used to being in a relationship. When he finally being in a relationship, he’s often clueless of what he should do.

He is a stubborn man, he said someday he might regret his decision of leaving me, but he won’t look back because once he said no he’ll say no forever. But he ever said to me that before we reconnected a year ago, he had made up his mind to forget his feelings towards me and he wanted to have a new beginning with maybe another girl. But when we surprisingly met again, he still fallen in love with me and offer a committed relationship. He said he didn’t want to lose his chance to be with me again.

When I asked him what did I do that made him leave, he said I didn’t do anything wrong and he was happy in our relationship. But just because he can’t handle his new world, he’s just willing to let go.

Do you think no contact would still possible? Because I think he’s belong to the clueless guy category since he hasn’t been in a lot of relationship before. And I didn’t get a clear explanation about this category in this article. I hope to hear your response, Chris. Thank you so much, your blog really lift my hopes up to get my ex back. Because we are so in love and we weren’t get into argument too much, and I think we’re worth to be together.

Chris Seiter

April 21, 2019 at 3:56 pm

Hi Rosseane….unfortunately, lots of guys can be stubborn – sometimes to a fault. I do think No Contact would be the right path here. You should consider picking up my 485 page eBook, “EBR PRO” as it lay out out the whole strategy in detail.

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4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”