Sample Letter To Write To Your Ex To Get Them Back

88 thoughts on “Sample Letter To Write To Your Ex To Get Them Back”

Sobernow

July 19, 2019 at 1:17 am

Hey chris-

6 years LTR. She and her two kids (14/19) lived with me. My 7 yo daughter visited once/month. She split 6 weeks ago due to my drinking (only once per month but VERY heavily when I did) and to my “no accountability and I did what I wanted whenever I wanted”, and my demeaning language when I drank. She always told me she never knew what version of me was going to come home.

I would stay at a bar drinking until 3am by myself once per month. I was a mess, depressed, and blamed boredom and anything I could on her. We would fight and when she threatened moving out, id tell her to just f’ing leave. I attribute all my words and bad actions to my drinking.

So- she split (disappeared) one day when I came home after work at 6pm and drinking…and never came back. Texted me 2 days later that she got her keys to her new place. She won’t tell me where she is living…not that big of a deal bc I want to give her space.

We have only texted “business”
Stuff about her furniture, etc. She refuses to talk about “us” or meet me at all. Says she doesn’t owe me closure bc it’s “nothing I can give you.” She said she’s found peace with splitting up bc it was heathy for her, me and the kids. She says we were toxic for each other.

Full disclosure- she always worried me late in the relationship bc she spent a lot of time on her phone and we weren’t intimate for a bit before she left. I felt like maybe there was a person who gave her an emotional connection.

I was emotionally abusive due to my drinking and I’m ashamed of that and have since stopped drinking and have been sober for nearly 6 weeks. I’ve found self evaluation, understand respect for others, value relationships and don’t take people for granted. I’ve also gotten into shape and dropped 20lbs in a month.

Quandary: every once in a while my texts would be wishy-washy and somewhat passive aggressive. I’d ask about “us” things or talking and she’d NEVER respond. So I’d try to communicate in any other way like engaging in “be safe during this storm…possible tornadoes” or “can I see the dog please?” She’d respond with “I’m not ignoring you. Of course you can see the dog. I’m confused why it took me leaving you for you wanting to talk when all you did when we did was look for my faults to be able to use them to tear me down.” Not sure I agree with that statement- I just wanted her to understand that we ALL have faults and that mine are recognized by me.

Anyhow- yesterday her yesterday that all thisnisnt about me, but about how badly I treated everyone and how ashamed I am and how I was sorry and understand now why she had to leave and I love her and cherish her and how she helped me make a move to a being a sober and better person.

This weekend is her bday. I left her a note on her car because I hate texting real feelings. I laid out again how my faults and poor actions were held to the fire and the reason why we spilt up. I owned up to it, stated that I’m making changes for ME and no one else, but thanked her for shaking me up and showing me the path to a healthier life. I told
Her I love her and the kids and my daughter loves them (she raised her with me). I texted her that I left the note and card from My daughter on her car. Told her that I will now give her the
Marcela

April 10, 2019 at 9:37 pm

Hi Chris

I personally met this guy 19 years ago after been distance online friends for more than a year, we were together and for distance circumstances he broke up with me. we have a small talk couple years ago but, I always remembered him time to time. Since November I started with this feeling to contact him, I wrote several emails (only way to communicate with him) and deleted them every single time. Last week I was brave enough to email him and asking him how he is doing. He reply to me 4 days after telling me he was good, working and divorce. I emailed him back telling him I am separate and working as well. I want to write him a letter to keeping in touch with him.
Marissa

April 6, 2019 at 6:00 am

Hey there!

My partner of 6 years broke off our relationship 4 months ago. At the time he said it was just a temporary break because he was in a bad place mentally and wanted to work on himself then we can work on getting back together as he loves me more than anything and he wants to spend his life with me. Since then after I moved out he has told me that he wasn’t happy in our relationship and he doesn’t want to get back together. We are still in contact (though it is strained), I feel like he is always focussing on negative aspects of our relationship and even then the ‘negatives’ are totally exaggerated and blown up because he has been focussing on them so much. I’ve tried to encourage open discussions about the issues he was unhappy about and offered practical solutions. Every time we speak I remind him of all the good qualities we have as a couple, how much we love each other and our plans for the future as well as our past memories and he gets emotional and breaks off contact for a few days. He gets mad that I am positive about our future and is still adamant that we will not work as a couple, but I know that is not true. We are so good together and we were so happy, our break up was so out of the blue for me. I’m really struggling I need help. I wan’t to know how to approach him in a positive way, I am absolutely willing to work on the issues he is unhappy with and I am trying to be really caring and loving about it all but I am so lost and depressed. I truly love this man with all my heart and have planned my whole future around what we wanted together.
Melaine

April 3, 2019 at 1:23 am

Hi chris,
My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago. He said he did not think we were a match. He was angry at me because I asked him a lot of times if he was cheating on me. I reay love and care about him. I wrote him a letter today don’t know if that was the smartest idea. But I just told him I wasn’t going to force him to forgive me right away but wanted to take things slow. We have been dating for three years and I just don’t want to loose him. Please help

Chris Seiter

April 4, 2019 at 3:18 am

Sometimes just giving each other some space can help. Other times, one needs to employ a full form of No Contact. Go check out my resources on my Home Page as It discuss a lot of this.

Rhys

February 16, 2019 at 8:30 pm

Hi Chris
I’m still going through my NC at the moment, but was thinking of hand writing her a letter at the end of it.(in the mean time i’m doing activities to improve myself like gym and learning to play a instrument) From this post it has been 12 days from the break up. The reason for the break up was she said that she need some space and couldn’t be in a relationship right and need to think about her fertility (we had just found out that she only had 2 years left, also we just found out that she had a miscarriage on the same day she broke up with me) but i do think there was more to it but she never got around to saying it, to my knowledge the relationship was going well we were talking about mortgages and marriage the whole 9 yards. We were together for 9 months we pretty much spent everyday together (which looking back i now know wasn’t healthy and we lost are individuality) We had lost the ability to talk to each other. When i would try to talk to her about something serious she would cry and shut down on me and nothing would get resolved, so i stop trying and just bottled it up. i do still have feelings for her and tat this moment i do want her back

Chris Seiter

February 17, 2019 at 1:06 am

Hi Rhys!

I am not a big fan of the letter approach. If you pick up my Program you would see I advocate building thing slowly from the “text” up and even then their is a certain method I teach on how all that is done.

Mery

January 13, 2019 at 9:32 pm

Hey Chris, thank you for the article. I just want want your opinion please. It’s been 3 months since the breakup, i did nc, I didn’t begg or plead. We stayed in good terms and we talk from time to time. I want to write him a letter because even 3 months after the breakup there is a fire inside of me that i can’t get ride of. I don’t want to send the letter to apologise. He dumped me with no reason and started seeing other girls. I want to send the letter to take it off my chest, to express my pain and anger and to let him know that I will move on. With the letter I also want to send a small notebook where we used to write things and that is very meaninful, like a way of closing this door forever. Is it a good idea ?

Chris Seiter

January 13, 2019 at 10:58 pm

Hi Mery…your welcome. I think if it makes you feel better, write the letter. Read it out-loud to yourself a few times. That in itself is therapeutic. Then wait one week. If you still feel the same way, then mail it. What matters most is what you feel inside. You don’t need him to agree or concur with your thoughts.

Vinca

December 6, 2018 at 3:44 am

Hi Chris!
I wrote a letter to my ex but I worry it have mistake so I did not sent out it yet.

Chris Seiter

December 6, 2018 at 11:39 pm

Sometimes the writing of the letter turns out to be a great way of self recovery, unloading your feelings and getting them out.

Tammy

October 8, 2018 at 2:58 am

Hi Chris,
Recap: ex and I were casually dating, ex slept with someone else, I found out, got upset at him, he broke things off with me. Tried to be friends with him and play things casually, the best I got were a few lunches and when I eventually told him how I felt about getting back together, he rejected me. We tried getting lunches again and then when I tried to see if he wanted to grab drinks, he basically told me he didn’t see a place for us dating or as friends. It broke my heart, it’s been almost 3 weeks. I’ve dated other guys, but I can’t get him out of my mind.. there’s a part of me that strongly feels I want to send him a “letter” in text form I guess.. tell him how I feel and how I’ve always cared about him and like him the way he is. I’m just hurt and not sure how to go about this. Do I say how I feel for the last time because I’m not losing anything? Or do I wait longer and start over with an ice breaker and try and build rapport with him only to have lunches from time to time? I need help 🙁

Chris Seiter

October 8, 2018 at 4:59 am

Thanks for the recap Tammy!

I know it can be hard to shake off the pain and disappointment one has in their ex and their actions, particularly when cheating is involved. I think it would be good to write the letter, but not send it. It will be a cathartic experience in writing it. But probably not a good idea to send him a long text after what he has told you. Consider just giving him space, but do it for yourself so you can fully heal. Consider what I call the no contact principle and all its benefits. I wrote a 247 page eBook called “The No Contact Rule Book” the delves into all aspects of the principle and how it can work for you in many ways.

aron

October 5, 2018 at 8:23 am

hi Chris,
i hate the term ex- boyfriend so i will be referring to him as Roy. we were together for approx 5 years.
i did the no contact for 30. but i had to make contact with him once or twice which was strictly regarding work. but other wise i think i was successful. i was uploading pictures of me having fun. changing a little bit of my appearance, going out, working out and showing off my transformation and people were noticing and also complementing me.
he liked every picture i uploaded and viewed every story i uploaded.
so after the no contact period ended we had to schedule meetings to discuss the project further. so i met Roy and the meeting was not really as i planned it to be. it was really hard for me to be all cheery on that particular day and then a guy i went on a date with kept calling during the meeting, who use to like me before i started dating Roy. so he was familiar with name flashing on my screen.
after the meeting ended he walked me to the subway, he had to also go somewhere. but while walking towards the subway things got all weird he asked me about my date and where we went and how was it. to which i gave simple short answers. but then one thing let to another and i had an emotional breakdown. and i cried a little and then after reaching the subway, he was suppose to be on the opposite platform but i found him on my platform.
he said he is really sorry, and he didnt want to hurt me. and everything. after the sobbing session was over he dropped me off to my home and we talked a little about our situation while traveling and waiting for the train and we ended our evening with a laugh.

the next meeting was after a week now. so the meeting was suppose to happen at his place and we were discussing and working and during the evening he would make gestures to touch my cheeks or my knee. it was perfectly fine during this meeting and i was joking, happy and he could see that. i was not thinking about the fact that he is not in love with me anymore or anything.
but while working we discovered a glitch and i freaked out. he held my hand and hugged me to calm me down and then all of a sudden we kissed and we hugged really nice and he told me that he missed this and he missed me.
he told me that he has been stalking my profile and going through my friend’s profile and looking at my pictures with them.
then i asked what is happening so he said he still has some feelings for me but is still confused. and he does not want to hurt me in the future even more.
i asked him to figure out whatever he has been thinking because if we need to fix things we can only do it till the time we can. and then he said i will be hurt again if he cannot figure out what he wants exactly, so i told him that i am happy with him and i am happy without him. it is you who has to figure out what to do, i am right here if you need to talk or need some support, but if im done, im done for good.

we have been talking on calls, playing online games and also met once and just watched a movie at my place and had food.
i dont know how to make him fall in love with me again. how to make his uncertainty go away.
his life is has been changing really drastically this year and things are not going as he had planned.
i know that he is capable of having more feelings for me but i dont know what to do next.

Chris Seiter

October 5, 2018 at 9:54 pm

Hi Aron!

Glad to hear the NC worked out pretty well, though obviously the meet up you had later with him got awkward. Your guy seems caught in between feelings. So you can rock along like this and hope for the best or try a different approach. You could try out no contact again for a few weeks. Perhaps this will jar him out of his uncertainty. It can also help you get some space to think about how much more you wish to invest in this. I have a book, “The No Contact Rule Book” that really dives into all angles of the NC principle, so consider that.

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88 thoughts on “Sample Letter To Write To Your Ex To Get Them Back”