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The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
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ashley renee
May 7, 2014 at 11:12 pm
I am almost 29, I met a guy who just turned 24 about 2 months ago. We hit it off from the get go, he seemed to be mature for our age gap and about 2 weeks into seeing each other he would talk about having a relationship with me and wanting to be with me. I try to play things cool, I am not one to constantly text or call but I do relay my feelings and make sure he knows where my heart and head are at. He has said things to me like “you’re a really cool girlfriend” or “I hope you like me as much as I like you”. He went to Vegas last weekend but called me the day before telling me he hopes I don’t forget about him while he’s out there. He was in Vegas for 5 days with his single guy friends. While he was out there, I didn’t want to be messaging him and calling him non stop so I sent a few texts on two separate days, basically stating how I was hoping he was having fun and that I missed him. He would reply but very vague and short (which of course drove me nuts but I didn’t say anything about it).
Well the day after he got home, I didn’t hear from him so I eventually told him that I hoped he had a great day and I missed him. We briefly chatted before he entirely ended things!! He stated he didn’t know if he wanted a girlfriend and being around his single friends made him realize he truly doesn’t want a girlfriend and was leading me on. I didn’t cause any drama, nor did I name drop calling him a jerk etc. I basically told him I don’t want to beg him to change his mind cause that is not how I am, and I can respect his decision but I did ask him what he meant by leading me on, to which he replied that he thought that for a month he wanted a girlfriend and to be with me but now he doesn’t know what he wants. He also stated that he is easily swayed by his friends, and wants to be sure about being in a relationship. I basically told him that, he was sure up until recently but if this is what he wants then I’m done and wished him good luck with whatever he is looking for. I made sure not to cause any uproar, because I am a classy girl.
He openly said that nothing happened in Vegas, I didn’t question it once. I guess I have stalked all social media and have yet to find anything about another girl out there.
I did really like this guy. A part of me feels he might be back, but I want to know from a guy’s perspective, what in the world may have happened? Cold feet? And with acting calm/cool about him ending it, would that make him think twice (he always states how girls are so dramatic). What are the odds of a guy who is pretty wishy washy coming back?
admin
May 8, 2014 at 4:34 pm
Here is what I think. You are at that age where you want to settle down and find a serious relationship.
He thought he wanted that with you but then he went to vegas and had a great time and realized if he was with you he might not be able to do this anymore.
He will regret his decision I have a feeling.
Tanya
May 6, 2014 at 11:03 am
Hey!
This is a really fun site, and actually is making me take things more lightly. I see how I’ve been showing a lot of weakness (hehe) by sending emails and expressing my feelings when we talk. My ex and I are in business together, and I still have his cat (I asked him to move out, we lived together a couple of years) so I don’t get to do the “1 month no contact”. He always says he wants to “leave the future open” and that he loves me. I tell him the same.
I need to ask you your opinion. He has had a serious problem with coke for a long time. It ruined his (and eventually our) finances. He is the love of my life, but it was too painful to stay with him. I just miss him all the time. I thought breaking up would be a wake up call to him, and good for me, and it was both of those, I think.
How long should I wait before approaching him to maybe get back together? I don’t think he wants to right now. But say he did, what is a good time frame, to maintain my self-respect and not just go running back and letting things go to hell again. I need a healthy man, so he needs time to change. But how much time? I’m willing to give this one more chance, and I want it to be for real, so I need to do it right, and be worth it for him to be willing to change for, for the better.
admin
May 6, 2014 at 7:14 pm
Glad its making you take things more lightly.
Meghna
May 6, 2014 at 7:10 am
My guy broke up with me stating d reason dat his family was lost bcoz of as he cudnt giv dem tym n all….I tried to convince him like four days but nw m nt….he is going n roaming with other girls which I always told I had a prob with….wat shud I do…
Rashhmi
April 29, 2014 at 5:38 am
my boyfriend broke up with me because he thinks I cheated on him bcz he thinks I slept wwith my ex n I want my boyfriend back. he said lets be friends but I haven’t replied As yet to this. please help
Meagan
April 28, 2014 at 11:49 pm
I’ve considered that. He did like to be the provider and he has a good paying job now but is going back to school this year. I was willing to support him as much as he was comfortable with. He seemed uneasy about that but not to the extent I thought he’d prefer us to be over over it. I’ve also considered the possibility he cheated or wants to have more casual relationships bbecause of the sudden way it ended. But I can speculate a thousand things I guess, the bottom line is he chose to walk away right
admin
April 30, 2014 at 1:05 am
Hmm.. do you think its likely he cheated? I don’t feel like it is that though.
Suzie Blue
April 26, 2014 at 10:03 am
Hi Chris,
I read with interest you recovery plan.
It has helped me to understand where i think i may be going wrong with my Ex Fiancé.
Its very complicated and the dynamics are not your every day …
He works offshore for 4 weeks and home for 4 weeks. We now live in different countries too. So there’s no chances of grabbing a quick coffee or dinner so easily as if we were in the same country now.
I have 4 children from a previous relationship.
We were together 4 years.
We have been split up for 8 months now.
After i ended the relationship, he moved country to the home he was already building and commissioned.
After going through the process of anger, blame, denial, guilt and acceptance we eventually agreed to still be friends. And conversations have built up gradually and more often recently. Its like he did the 21 day no contact rule to me!!
We met up recently whilst he was training in my country. In the hotel we first met in actually. It was very reminiscent and we spent 4 days together and he asked me to stay a day longer, which i did.
During the time i went to the spa and gym, had some pamper sessions. I have lost 2 stone in weight and had a overhaul and been taking care of myself much better. I visited the art gallery and museums and was very independent whilst he was training during the days. In the evening we met in the bar and i looked great, groomed, attractive and noticed other men in the hotel looking twice a lot.
He seemed proud to be with me. Gave me compliments, told me he misses me when he allows himself to think about me and explained that he dealt with the break up by throwing himself into his carrer as a distraction, which is a massive thing for him to admit. He also told me he still cares for me.
We had a quick drink, he got changed and then a meal in the lovely restaurant.
It was a nice ambiance and easily romantic with the candles and tasteful music.
We reminisced a little and had a giggle together and also some flirts. We were very comfortable with each other.
We talked briefly about the break up but not in any detail, i didn’t want to spoil the week or get emotional or mess up his training and assessment by emotionally distressing either of us. It was literally a sentence or two and a comment and change the subject.
I think the mistake is that We slept together.It was fantastic and very passionate between us. He was cuddly in the mornings, calling me pet names he used to have for me and told me cuddling up to me in bed felt ‘so normal’ even after all that had happened.
He has invited me to meet again in the future. We did not talk about getting back together.
He is now back on the rig and contact by mail and text is limited again for 4 weeks. I found myself bombarding him with a load of waffle and conversation.. I am not sure why i was doing this.
I have even sent a new message before getting a reply from the previous one. I apologised for that and he told me not to worry and that he has been busy to reply as often as he would like due to connection problems on the internet on the rig.
I know after reading your advice that we should not have slept together, but dating in our situation is always long distance and restrictive and so things have always moved fast between us due to this fact. We seem to cover a lot of ground in a short space of time, But not addressed any emotional stuff from the break up.
I want us to be back together, but don’t want to face rejection by asking and think it best to wait now and see where it goes. I think i want him to want me more…
He is very powerful in his job and a leader. I know me ending our relationship dented his ego and that he is not used to that and has had a hard time understanding why i ended things at that time.
I want to work this out.
Should i use the no contact rule now at this stage or are we past that now??
I am not sure how to proceed and how to deal with the past and make positive steps for the future.
I wonder if we have both confused the situation by doing it all ass about tit??
Any advice much appreciated.
admin
April 28, 2014 at 4:11 pm
I think its worth a try.
Stevie86
April 26, 2014 at 4:56 am
Thanks Chris for the help previously, your advice on the “no contact rule” had helped my relationship, i followed it and my ex bf came back to me after 1.5 months. However, after 4 months , we had arguments in the 3rd month which led to us breaking up again. I was the one who had initiated the “breakup” again as i felt that i had taken in quite a lot of my boyfriend’s likes and dislikes but he hadn’t considered how much i effort i had put in to do so? We have been having this cold war since sunday(21 april)once again, it has been five days. i messaged him on the fourth day and he replied saying that “i always apologize but he ends up getting hurt again”. I told him that i have been improving on my weaknesses and it is not as if i haven’t made improvements. In general, i felt that our relationship has been improving. But it’s sad that he cannot see that and he basically has no time to talk things through with me. i really miss him and want him back. But i feel as though i have been sidelined by his work and he doesn’t seem to see that i’m trying to fight for the relationship.
Once again thanks Chris for the help!
admin
April 28, 2014 at 4:09 pm
What were the arguments about? What caused them?
Stevie86
April 28, 2014 at 5:04 pm
The arguments recently have been about small little things..eg. i have been feeling lately that whenever i messaged him, he doesn’t respond to my messages.
Then the arguments begin and he would say that i don’t understand him, that i’m choking him. He would say that he dislikes me telling him what to do or what to say. But to me, it’s only natural to respond in a conversation even if it’s on sms/chat. On my part, i have taken a step back in the relationship by not texting him alot and to only respond to his texts rather than initiate a text. Somehow he can’t seem to see my effort.
vanie
April 24, 2014 at 8:04 pm
hi my bf and i broke up a week ago i broke up wit him because i thought he was cheatin on me n i couldnt deal wit it i let my insecurities and anger get ahold of me. i tex him in between to say i missin him he told me he is fed up of the arguments and he dont want to come back. we been together 2years and 3 months i love him and i know he do to. we have broken up alot in the past and he tried to get over me by rebounding on a girl and he came back because he said he couldnt get over me. is it possible dat he wud come bk?? plezzz i love him and i want him back
admin
April 26, 2014 at 1:29 am
How long has he been with the rebound girl?
Sophia Misha Brown
April 24, 2014 at 5:27 pm
Urmm I am seeking advice on how to deal with my now ex boyfriend I basically ended it 3 days ago due to me finding out he has cheated again. I took him back when I first found out he had cheated I know I really shouldn’t have because it gave him the idea that I am weak and I guess in some respects I was. He was my first love but still what he did is inexcusable. So I ended it 4 days ago and since then he has tweeted some indirect towards me and last night he unfriended me on face booked and unfollowed me on twitter he also changed his whatsapp settings to nobody so nobody can see his last on, profile photo and status what does all this mean him un friending me etc.. Does it mean his done or has he done it as a way for me to react and message him? However after he unfriended me etc i did fall victim to breaking the n/c period and ended up messaging him…he did now message me back which i expected
Please someone respond!
admin
April 25, 2014 at 10:17 pm
You should really take a look at my guide on “blocking.”
Meagan
April 24, 2014 at 12:04 am
I broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago. I have admittedly sent a few messages back and forth with him. He broke up with me sayig he loves me but is not ready to commit. I wrote him a message on facebook today before reading this but in my defense I blocked him to restrain from doing so again. I do beleive we had something special but our age gap/timing was not so good. Did I ruin the nc rule already or if I go forward with that can it still work?
admin
April 24, 2014 at 4:08 pm
How much was the age gap?
Meagan
April 25, 2014 at 6:12 pm
I am 29 and he is 23
admin
April 28, 2014 at 4:07 pm
You can go forward with the NC…
What kind of job does he have? Do you think he is worried about being able to provide?
Meagan
April 28, 2014 at 11:51 pm
Apologies Chris, my reply to your question posted as a new comment. Please see new comment from me. Thank you.
MEAGAN
sweta
April 22, 2014 at 1:11 pm
Hi..am hvin prblms in my relationshp…i lyk dis guy….he was too gud wt me at frst…realy gud…even if i shoutd scolded beat him…he usd to take it lyt..n laugh..dn dis othr guy came into my lyf…he lykd me too…i lykd him as a frnd n tld him abt me havin a byfrnd…n dis nw guy didnt wnt to tlk to me n dn i frcd him to b my frnd(am ashamd fr doin dt) n dis new guy tout i actualy lv him n i jst made up a stry abt my byfrnd….n one day he found d truth n scolded me badly n i didnt wnt to tlk to him nymor n i stpd msgin n clin him…my byfrnd knws evrythn abt me n my frndshp wt dis guy n also abt his fylin..while i used to tlk to dis frnd he gt frustrated n al…so i tout he shud get ovr it n tlkd to dis new guy n ltr i found my byfrnd bhv wierdly wt me..he usd to cry n try to touch me tough i didnt lykd… he usd to tell dt it wil reduce his stress n dt he is nt d one sayin it…its on google..so i reduced tlkin to him (didnt stop tlkin to him completely) bcoz i didnt lyk he touchin me b4 marriage….n til d day i was tlkin wt dis new guy he bhvd as if he missd me realy bad…bt once dis new guy n i stpd tlkin to eachother n my boyfrnd n i strtd tlkin again…i tout he wud b fyn…he wont b depresed n wont cry nymor….but he strtd bhvin evn mor wierdly…he is nt carin me n lvin me d wy he usd to once…if i shout or scold him he is shoutin back n leavin me alone…i tried to adjust…n ignore his new behaviour n am nt hpy…dis nt d guy whom i lvd…i dnt wnt to mry a person who doesnt lv me nymor..who doesnt care abt me n my fylins…i tout of breaking up…bt am d one who alwys cls him bck aftr 2 days of stopin tlkin to him…sumhw i fyl lyk he wnts to b superior bt i cn let a guy b equal to me bt cnt handle if a guy acts superior to me….cn u hlp me plz…suggest me wt to do abt dis relationshp….
babybear
April 21, 2014 at 1:31 am
I was with my boyfriend for seven months. But around February, I could tell that he was starting to be too comfortable in the relationship. He didn’t much any effort in making me feel special, such as my birthday, valentines or when I graduated college.
The sad thing is that I was trying to find excuses for this behaviour. “Maybe he’s just busy”, “maybe he’ll change soon”. But when I spoke my mind in regards to treating me better, he would always become super defensive and not talk to me for days.
I’m the kind of person who is quite adamant in finding solutions, unlike him who likes to go inside his cave and process things and let time pass by to resolve the issue.
It became so draining that we decided to end our relationship. Apart from these pitfalls, he became much more resentful due to the fact that I became more successful in life, and his insecurity was getting in between of our relationship. On top of that, he wasn’t doing well at work hence he was starting to hate himself. I believe he is lost at the current moment but I know that he shouldn’t have treated me that way despite of his current situation. He left me once in the streets while we were fighting and even ignored me while hanging out with his friends.
I am on the 5th day of no contact (no begging on my part, thank god), but I wish he would realize my sacrifices for him and chase after me once again. With our situation, what are the chances that we will return back together?
admin
April 21, 2014 at 4:19 pm
Its still early babybear (hahahahaha funniest name ever.)
Hang in there its still early.
chelsi
April 21, 2014 at 12:23 am
Hi, so I broke up with my boyfriend on tuesday because I found out that he’s been seeing someone he told me was just a friend (said he started seeing her when we broke up for a few days the week before). We wasn’t together long was only 3 months just under. I admit I sent a few messages at first with no response, but the day after I managed to keep myself from messaging him, and the very next morning he messaged me saying he hoped I was ok and that he misses me, but stupidly enough I messaged back within 15 minutes (before I came across this page& the no speaking for 30 days rule) He tells me he misses me and loves me and that he never wanted to lose me. And says he’s not with her anymore (but he’s lied a lot to me, so I don’t know whether to believe it).
Should I take the him messaging me within a day of not messaging him as as good sign that the 30 day no contact rule will work??. I don’t want him to move on if he thinks I don’t care. He also has a habit of not talking as much and he knows it gets to me, does that mean that he’s waiting for me to keep messaging to get his attention ?
I know he cheated but I honestly don’t want to lose him and he swears blind he doesn’t want to lose me and always wants me in his life.
Any tips would be much appreciated, he’s really screwing my head up I don’t know what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling at times!
T.I.A X
admin
April 21, 2014 at 4:17 pm
Well, do you think he would cheat again?
Thats my question for you.
N.
April 20, 2014 at 9:00 am
Hi Chris,
I wrote you yesterday. Seiter sounds veeery german hahaha 😉
Would you please answer my question whether this sounds to you like a rebound and if you think I still have a chance to get him back? It just takes you 30 seconds…. please….
Thank you so much!!!
admin
April 20, 2014 at 9:06 pm
Did you read my rebound page?
Seems kind of reboundish to me. Does it seem rebound to you?
N.
April 23, 2014 at 7:18 am
Of course I read your rebound page – hundret times!! 😉
For me it sounds like a rebound as well but maybe this is only what I want it to be. But I’m glad you see it similar to me 😉
I’ll try to avoid contact even we are living together…
Thank’s for your help!!
N.
April 19, 2014 at 8:35 pm
Dear Chris,
I REALLY NEED YOU HELP! (First of all: sorry if my english isn’t that good, I’m german ;-)). My boyfriend broke up with me 7 weeks ago. First of all he did’nt wanted to give me a reason but finally told me that he had feeling for his colleague (wich is actuelly not his colleague anymore). I could not believe it. YES, I read his messages on his cellphone and YES I know I’m not supposed to. He texted her after 3 (!) days after our breakt up (and we still live in one flat together but sleep in seperate roomes and I’ll move out at the end of may. By the way: we have been together for 4,5 years.). So I found out that he texted her and he seemed very brash. He sent her messages even she did not ask his prior message (normally he is more the shy and conservative guy). So I found out that they have met so far 4 times within the last seven weeks. He even text her that he “could text her for hours but unfortunatelly he needs to sleep right now” but I feel like she does not veeeery responsive. For example it’s always him who starts the conversation and never her. She don’t ask him very much and is always “bussy” – thats why they just met 4 times until now. By the way: this girl had a short affaire with another colleague just some weeks ago (he might think it would have been easier to get her than it acually seems to be?)… You have to know that I try really much to come across as I totally accept his decission. I go out a lot, dress myself sexy, laugh a lot, try not to cry infront of him, do a lot of sports,… But I wrote him a letter last weekend. In this letter I told him I totally accept the situation and still respect him. I told him the reason why I am writing this letter would be that I was remindet this day about one funny moment we had together in the past. And this made me think about when we blablabla do you rememeber how funny that was? blabbla do you remember that beautiful day in blabla…
You know, I just wanted to remind him about our wonderful times we had. He even wrote me back to thank me for “that great letter.” and that he thinks it’s “remarkable in which way I deal with our situation” and that we really “had so many wonderfull moments” and that he is “glad that he “had this moments with me”. My letter is still lying next to his bed and the valentines card I gave him is still IN HIS BED??!
Furthermore I work as a flight attendent and was abroad during my birthday 3 weeks ago. When I arrived home (in OUR appartment) he cleaned the appartment, bought me food and even a birthday present. (Later I found out that he met his colleage even on THAT day – MY birthday!). Nevertheless I still think he is not over me – I see that in his eyes. I see that when he watches me dressing up for getting out and even when he gets up at 3 clock in the morning when I get home just to say “hello” and ask me how my evening / night has been. I mean – if he really did’nt care, would he do this??! I am totally confused so much! I don’t know what this means that he meets this other girl (I never talk about her, never ask him about her,…) and it really drives me CRAZY when he is not at home I think he might meet her right now. It really makes me losing my mind though I try to be cool infront of him.
I don’t know what to do next. It’s impossible to hold on the “no contact rule” right now because, as I said, we still live together. Furthermore I don’t even know if I really have a chance to get him back because he is already dating someone else (which might be a rebound?..). Do you think she is a rebound? Have I chances to get him back? What should be my next step?
PLEASE PLEASE help me – I am going crazy and just do not know what to do… Thank you so much!!!
Happy easter!!
N.
Rita Michelle
April 22, 2014 at 6:43 am
First off you two live together and that’s a start there, second of all if he still pays you attention he is not over you yet. I believe if you guys continue to live together you will eventually be back together in no time. So I wouldn’t worry. Everything will work it self out especially since you have history with this person#Rita
admin
April 20, 2014 at 3:49 am
I believe my last name is german (Seiter)
You are going to have to find a way to hold NC
Sammiya
April 19, 2014 at 11:12 am
Hi, My ex and I broke up almost two months ago and we were dating for 6 years. We both have seen ups and too many downs in our relationship but somehow we both managed to made it work. I love him a lot but this time I have decided to move on and I think so has he. My question might sound silly to you but I just wanna know is there a way to make him miss me? I haven’t spoken to him in weeks because the last time I tried to get in touch with him, he was rude and made it clear that he doesn’t want me in his life. I don’t want him in my life either so thats fine but just the fact that I still miss him and he doesn’t hurts me a lot. The fact that he doesn’t value the 6 years we spent is killing me. I just keep expecting a text from him but somewhere I know that i’m not going to get one. I just wish he missed me as much as I miss him…it hurts to know that he has moved on so easily. To think I meant so little to him.
admin
April 20, 2014 at 3:35 am
He will definitely miss you without you even having to do anything (just give it some time.)
6 years is a long time.
jade
April 19, 2014 at 8:43 am
Hi my bf and I was together for 3months I broke up with him bc he said he would go see a girl he claimed to like but also claim they were just friends. So for two days he did not text me and I did not either. He finally texted me I started talking about why we broke up then he ignores me. So I texted him again saying so your going to ignore me, he replied he got busy and was taking what I said in. I then said ok well when you gonna come get your things. He replied so…? I said what? He ignores me again. I am very confused on what to do? I need help. He is the type to be so emotionally unavailable. Does not care about much which is why I found it surprising that he even txted me. I feel if I do no contact then I will really push him away
admin
April 20, 2014 at 3:32 am
Did you try NC yet?
It’s kind of important.
jade
April 19, 2014 at 8:48 am
Considering he does not care. I feel maybe the reason he contacted me was to see if I still cared and once he got the confirmation, it was back to the breakup. We broke up alot during those 3months bc I could not handle his careless passive attitude. Hes a great guy besides that very smart and helpful. I feel we can be something. I just dont know what to do. I never right responses but seeing that you actually respond to your readers im hoping you can redirect me on things. Please help.
shelly
April 18, 2014 at 7:32 pm
Ok ive been using no contact and its working like a charm! My question is how should i act towards him once were back on speaking terms?
admin
April 20, 2014 at 3:25 am
did you read any of the articles on this site? I cover this extensively 🙂
VELMA
April 18, 2014 at 6:40 pm
I have known my friend for 30 yrs. we were good friends at school. We are both 46. We met up 2 years ago and have been together.. No over night but see each other a couple times a week. (christian) He called me and told me he was sorry he tried and wanted this to work because I am a great person but he cant stop thinking about his ex he dated before me…They were broken up for a year before we got together.He told me it was not fair to me that he could not commit all of himself to me as his mind and heart was still with her. They are together now.. He still sees me sundays at church and he is still friendly as he still wants to be friends we just do not hang out anymore and the other stuff.. Is there anyway he will realize he actually loves me and wants me back?
admin
April 20, 2014 at 3:21 am
Have you tried advancing things at all via text or phone calls?
Jalia
April 18, 2014 at 3:05 pm
My ex and I were together for 3 weeks. Yesterday he texted me and said he can’t be with someone that doesn’t trust him and that we should take a break. I told him that I do trust him and we haven’t texted since then. On instagram he took “taken” of of his bio, so I did the same. I really miss him and I don’t want to take a break. I feel like taking a break just means breaking up, not coming back to each other. Do you think he will want to come back to me soon? I’m really sad and need some distractions for a while. What should I do? I’m not ready to give up on him.