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43 thoughts on “Here’s Why Silence Is So Important After A Breakup”

  1. Ayat

    March 4, 2020 at 11:41 am

    My fiance left me beacuse I had surgery to remove a tumour after 7 months of engagement and we were supposed to get married in a few months. I was so angry that I sent him after one day of breakup a really long msg scolding him for what he did instead of standing with me !!
    I felt calm after taking out what’s inside my heart and blocked him .. but it never ends, if i talk for days it will not express my disappointment in him.
    What should i do šŸ™

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 7, 2020 at 8:19 pm

      Hi Ayat, so someone who is unhappy with you looking after your HEALTH over getting married does not love you the right way! Postponing the wedding so that you can be healthier is so much more important than anything else! If you want him back then reach out but I would look at the situation that he is just being very selfish

  2. Meg

    February 28, 2020 at 8:47 pm

    Hi, I’ve been in no-contact for 3 months. We had been together a few years during uni. My Ex didn’t reach out to me on my birthday, and yesterday he didn’t reach out to congratulate me for passing med school! Why wouldn’t an ex reach out on these occasions (particularly the latter in which my ex was such a huge part of that journey). I am working on myself and my confidence, and have learnt sooo much post-break up, but this has kinda hurt.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 28, 2020 at 9:53 pm

      Hi Meg in situations like these exes dont reach out because its “awkward” but the fact that something amazing has happened for you and you are focused on the fact he did not reach out to you is why you need to read the Ungettable materials and apply them to your life. You just passed medical school you should be on cloud nine right now! Go and celebrate with your friends and family

  3. depressed

    February 28, 2020 at 4:18 am

    After i finished my NC, I texted him on saturday evening. he texted back the next day and we had a good short conversation.
    I texted him again on wednesday, which he replied to 1.5 hours later. I texted back, and he replied the next day again. His messages were short yet in a positive way with emojis and lol’s. After 2 or 3 more messages from each other were exchanged, he stopped responding. It’s been 24 hours now and I know he’s ignoring me intentionally.
    I heard that he met this girl at the bar on saturday night. Maybe he’s talking to her? He’s been very active on this social media app(that is not IG or FB. pretty much only he and i use. our friends don’t) since the breakup but it entirely stopped after he met that girl… I don’t know what to do from here now

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 28, 2020 at 9:32 pm

      Hey there, Read about the being there method if he gets into a relationship so you know what to do, but keep with the texting plan Chris talks about in his articles and videos

  4. Jenny

    February 27, 2020 at 1:08 pm

    My ex and I had been together just over 6 years when he broke up with me in September. Overall we had had an incredibly happy relationship, having got together when we were just 20, we grew together and often talked and planned for our future (marriage, children etc) on a regular basis with no question that we wouldn’t spend the rest of our lives happily together. The last year has had a few challengesĀ and I lost myself t and took this out on the relationship, becoming someone who wasn’t very nice and didn’t treat my partner in the way he deserved. He finally reached breaking point and broke up with me which was the shock I needed to realise my own behaviour and take action to understand about why I had behaved in that way.Ā 
    We were broken up for 4 months, during that time I underwent immense personal growth and can see now that I needed that time and space to work on myself. During this time he also started a new very intense job that takes up the majority of his time. Although we were broken up we both clearly found it difficult to cut one another off and on average we ended up speaking briefly over message or catching up over coffee every 3 weeks (with periods of total silence in between). He could see I had changed and was in a much better place and we spoke about wanting there to be a future for us but he was clearly also wrestling with the fact he was enjoying his new found independence and was still very hurt from the breakdown of our relationship. His personality meant that he put immense pressure on himself to come to some conclusion about what we should do because we knew that neither of us were moving on and were still in love yet we weren’t together either. In January after having had a long ‘thinking period’ he told me that he didn’t feel at all ready to but that he thought it was now or never to give the relationship another go. He was incredibly hesitant and kept stressing that he didn’t really feel ready and wanted to go very slowly. I said that I didn’t think it was right to give it another go unless he was definitely ready but he insisted that he felt we needed to come to a conclusion and the other option of cutting each other out and moving on was not something he wanted either.Ā 
    For the next 4 weeks we started trying to get back into the swing of things while still moving slowly. We only saw each other x1 a week and made sure to plan something nice for that day. When we were together it was lovely and I could tell we were both happy, but I could also sense a lot of hesitation and fear from his side. On several occasions we had honest conversations and he admitted that he was finding it tough to get back into the routine of talking each day and wasn’t feeling as he felt he ought to be. I continued to fight for it and told myself things just needed more time to adjust and that slowly his walls would break down, however after one final conversation in which he told me he knew he wasn’t giving himself to the relationship in the way that he should be and didn’t know why / knew that I was the one putting all the effort in, I realised in that moment that I couldn’t continue as we were, with me trying to carry the relationship and being anxious about him cutting it off at any moment. I told him I thought we should stop and he admitted that he agreed and said that he clearly hadn’t been ready and it had been too soon for him to try again. We both sat and cried for hours and spoke about how we didn’t want this to be the end. He said that not being together didn’t feel right but that he was confused because being together right now didn’t feel as it should either. After we had left he text me saying how deeply sorry he was for putting me through this and that it was clear he is very confused at the moment and that he would understand if I didn’t want to but perhaps we could catch up in a few days and see how we are both feeling about the decision. In a move that was very unlike me, I took a strong stance and replied saying that I had given everything I could to the relationship and so want it to work but have realised I can’t do that single handed. I told him to take some serious space and time to work out whether this is worth fighting for the way I believe it is and that I didn’t want him to speak to me unless he wants to give something to the relationship. That was nearly 18 days ago, he didn’t reply to my message and neither of us have messaged since. He is a deeply sensitive guy and very respectful and I know the thing that hurts him most is the idea of how he is hurting me, with that in mind I have no idea whether he hasn’t messaged because he doing as I asked and is taking time and space to think, or because he has realised he is much happier without me and is therefore not contacting as I asked because he doesn’t want the relationship.

    I know that I want to be with him and I truly believe in our relationship, but I also understand that he has to come to a decision himself and I cannot influence or change that, he needs space and time to focus on himself and figure out what he wants. What I want to know is whether given all these circumstances you would still recommend reaching out to him after 30 days or whether you think I should leave it completely for him to message me which could take months or more but I think he eventually will if only for practical matters such as exchanging things. I am continuing to focus on myself and am throwing myself into things and am truly enjoying life and am open to meeting other people but I know that what we had during out 6 years and what we could have again was so great and don’t want to totally give up on that or him. What would you advise?Ā 

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 12, 2020 at 11:03 am

      Hey Jenny, if you want to follow ERP process yes I do recommend that you reach out after 30 days no contact, but make sure that you are taking this time to work on yourself too. Read the posts about being Ungettable. Try not to focus on the past, even though you had a happy 6 year relationship, make sure you do not hold on to that as the break up shows something went wrong. When you get in touch again treat it as if you are getting to know your ex for the first time again. Using this as a guide to how emotionally controlled you need to be when texting again. You are not going to pick up where you left off

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