Popular posts
The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
How To Make Him Miss You After A Breakup
The Ungettable Girl
The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)
The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule
The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means
Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule
What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Blocks You
Signs My Ex Wants Me Back
Recent posts
Signs An Avoidant Will Come Back After Losing You
Why Avoidants Don’t Want Relationships
Do Avoidants Fight For A Relationship?
An Avoidant Will Feel Instant Regret If You Do This
Signs An Avoidant Is Hiding Deep Feelings For You
Why Avoidants Say Things That Don’t Make Sense
The Weird Things Avoidants Do When They Like You
What Happens To An Avoidant During No Contact?
How A Secure Handles An Avoidant Pulling Away
The Moment An Avoidant Realizes They Lost You (THIS Will Happen)
Post categories
Michelle
July 23, 2014 at 12:49 pm
Hi Chris, Here’s my attempt at the readers digest version of my situation. On June 1, I caught my ex boyfriend spending time with another women. He stonewalled me all weekend and when I went to his place to confront him and let him know its not ok to ignore/avoid me all weekend, there he was with wine, chips/dip in his back patio with someone else. He didn’t even try to explain himself at that moment or introduce to me this women as his girlfriend, all he could say was I’ll talk to you about it later, I’m busy right now. When I got home after that I was hysterical crying and the most aggressive thing I could do was remove him from facebook and delete all our pictures. A few days later, he finally sent me a text message apology just saying, I’m sorry for everything and can we just put this behind us and and move forward. Although I said yes, I felt that things were never going to be the same after this, especially since he doesn’t want to explain himself and just sweep the whole thing under the rug. We didn’t see each other but continued to text and talk but it just wasn’t the same. I didn’t tell him that I took him off of FB, I was hoping we would see each other and have a proper make up/make out meeting and then I would tell him what I did but that meeting never happened. It took him another week and a half before he realized that I removed him from facebook and he stone walled me again. I didn’t go to his place this time but he texed me stating I kicked him to curb and removed him from my FB and from my contacts over something I really didn’t see and what will I do next time we have an issue. I explained at that moment I saw him with another women and I lost my mind. I said I didn’t care any more who was right or wrong I just want to make things right. He said we would talk but never called and was upset that I didn’t call him and finally stopped talking and responding to me. My last contact with him was 6/21, and after that I went into NC. After reading all your articles, my ex is a combination of the stubborn/victim man. I texted him on 7/21 stating, “I know we haven’t spoken in a while and our last texts weren’t very pleasant. I want to apologize for not telling you about removing you from FB and letting you find out on your own the way you did. I look back on our time fondly and I hold nothing against you. I’m still going to the gym and making healthy eating choices. I often think about how your new job is going and how things are going with your son. My daughter is moving to NC this Friday. Maybe some day in the future we can chatt and catch up.” I know that’s not exactly a text that would trigger a response, maybe more of a priming kind of text, but I was still hoping to get some kind of response and nothing, just silence. Its only been my first text but I’m thinking he’s made up his mind. For the most part we had the usual ups and downs in our relationship but nothing this serious. His non-response really put me in a tail spin and I’ve been in tears for the past 2 days. I did however use self control and have not text/call or email him since Monday.
My question is, does this sound like a situation that I should pursue? If so, should I wait 15 days to send the next text message or less or more? Which type should I send – the “OMG you won’t believe what I just saw” or one of the good memory texts or something else on your article on texts? Thanks for your help.
admin
July 24, 2014 at 2:51 pm
OMG you wont believe what I just saw is a good one.
Rachel
June 24, 2014 at 6:50 pm
I have a question about if the relationship fits section.
My boyfriend and I broke up because we are in different parts of our lives right now and have a somewhat long distance relationship. However in about a year we will no longer have this issue as we will be attending the same college. He has said many times that he hopes we can get back together next year. My problem is a year is a long time and I’m worried he will move on and lose feelings for me and then the chance of is getting back together will disappear. I do see our relationship (if we get back together) holding up even in the far future. The question is do I keep trying to get back together now or do I wait a year like he wants?
admin
June 25, 2014 at 4:50 pm
What do you want?
Rachel
June 26, 2014 at 1:05 am
I want to get back together now but I’m worried we will run into the same problems and then break up for good. I feel like waiting will be better in the long run but it’s risky because he could move on or get into a new relationship
admin
June 26, 2014 at 3:30 pm
What are some of the same problems you are worried that will re-occur.
Rachel
June 26, 2014 at 7:54 pm
Mostly fighting. Which was due to the long distance and not being able to solve our problems face to face. We saw each other almost every weekend but it still didn’t seem to be enough. I know he is also worried about these problems which is why he doesn’t want to get back together now. I am pretty confident I can get him back now if I do everything right, and as badly as I want him back now, I just don’t know if now is the right time.
My two options are trying to get him back now and risking it ending badly. Or waiting a year and risking him finding someone else, losing all feelings for me, ect.
admin
June 29, 2014 at 4:33 pm
Wow, every weekend is actually not bad.
What was his age may I ask?
Hannah
June 30, 2014 at 6:10 pm
He is 20 and I’m 18
Jenny
June 12, 2014 at 9:31 pm
Hey Chris,
My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago because he told me “he wants different things in life now and they’re not the same as my wants”. He didn’t tell me what the new things are because he knew I would just become a doormat and tell him I want the same things. He told me he no longer has feelings for me and is ready to move on. He thought the relationship was getting unhealthy as he had to convince himself that he was happy with me. He doesn’t want to be friends in at least a year or two, and he’s even deleted me off of Facebook. He is extremely uncomfortable about talking with me.
However, he told me that he will use how I loved and treated him as a standard in his future relationships… he also said he will keep our memories together for life and even look back on them and smile. He also told me he regrets nothing in our relationship.
The breakup was amicable. I did not cry or scream or beg or make a scene. However, I did try to plead with him once or twice so that he could rethink his decision… he didn’t. I showed him some of our pictures from before and he told me that there was no point in doing that – he clearly told me that there is no way to get him back. He is ready to move on and let our relationship go.
I told him one last time that I loved him, and he said he knew, but wasn’t able to say it back anymore. There was no last hug or kiss because he told me he couldn’t do that. I asked him if the breakup was just as hard for him as it was for me, he said “yeah”.
I just don’t understand how someone could lose feelings so quickly. We were together for nine months, and we never fought at all in the first eight months. We either agreed or communicated extremely well. From February to April, he went to Spain alone for a trip, and he told me that he realized he had changed a week before he came back from Spain. The reason why he dragged it on for another month was because he wanted to try to make things work with me, but they didn’t. During that month we had fights every week, but we always made up in time and he told me he had faith in us and if we work through this period things would only become more wonderful. I brought up that point during the breakup and he said “there is no us anymore”.
I don’t have the desire to contact him whatsoever and don’t plan on doing it for at least three months. I need time to reflect on myself and better myself.
I’m a client at his workplace and I have to visit there often. He told me we will still maintain a healthy relationship on a professional level. We are also heading off to the same university in September (maybe the real reason was that he wants to start off university single?). He told me that we will for sure cross paths in the future (near future even). He told me that maybe later on he will change again and we will want the same things again, and we will be friends again… but I thought maybe we’ll fall in love again… he especially told me that I shouldn’t sit around and wait for this, but I still care about him deeply.
Judging by the fact that he deleted me off of Facebook (a place where you don’t talk to most of your “friends”), if he can’t even be friends with me on Facebook, it clearly shows that he wants to forget about me and move on. This is what I mean by his apathy.
My friends told me that he still has the old pictures with me up… is that odd? I also asked him to email me some of our old photos to me, he used his work email… it’s all very confusing.
I want him back not because I’m desperate or miserable without him, or because I’m lonely now that I’m single, I want him back because I truly believe what we had was one of a kind. We had great chemistry and communication, we trusted each other and we truly cherished each other. We respected each other’s boundaries and made sure the rest of our relationship was built on top of that. We would go extra miles to make each other’s day (surprises, gifts, he stayed up till 4 am to talk to me in Spain). He even admitted that during the breakup…
He’s never gotten back with his other exes before. However, one of them cheated on him, the other one lost feelings for him, the other one he lost feelings for immediately after he asked her out, and she still bugged him for six months after the breakup. I don’t apply to any of those.
He’s the kind of person who doesn’t sulk over things and believes things happen for a reason. He is extremely strong willed. He has a big heart and is a sensitive guy. Does this up my chances of getting him back? Or does this show that if he has such a big heart and still decided to dump me, he must be extremely sure that he wants nothing to do with me anymore? Would the no contact only make it easier for him to move on since he doesn’t want me in his life anymore?
Is there any way that I can get him back? I’m not looking at anytime soon. I actually want to go on a few dates before we make personal contact again. But I would like some advice! Plus, if I move on within this time period, that won’t hurt me either. However for now, I do want him back and I think the chances are extremely low…
Is this redeemable?
Thanks Chris! This is my first time posting on your site… so I apologize for making you read so much! I truly appreciate your help!
Jenny
admin
June 15, 2014 at 3:45 pm
I think there is a chance. I think its redeemable.
Jenny
June 16, 2014 at 12:44 pm
It’s just he told me that he changed… I feel like doesn’t matter what I say or do I won’t be what he wants anymore… even if I become who he fell in love with in the first place, it’s no use since he’s changed and won’t fall for me again. He deleted me off of Facebook, clearly he doesn’t want to know what’s going on in my life. But the fact that he still has our old pictures up really confuses me… planning on doing 3 month NC… please elaborate how you think i still have a chance?
Jenny
June 16, 2014 at 3:00 pm
Please help me Chris… one reason why we never fought before was because we had so much in common – our beliefs and values, interests, humor… we got together because we wanted the same things in life! His trip changed what he wants… but I want to be special to him again 🙁 I don’t appear desperate but deep down I am… 🙁
admin
June 17, 2014 at 8:11 pm
You never fought with him at all?
Jenny
June 17, 2014 at 9:28 pm
Before he moved to Spain and the three months he was there – never…
After he came back from Spain we had more fights because he felt like I was still stuck in the honeymoon stage but he wanted to take the relationship to a more serious level. I also acted insecure by complaining about my problems more, but I did that because I liked the way he listened to me and comforted me…
But then again I addressed all of this during the breakup and he just told me that was only half of the reason why he wanted to break up… the other half is that he decided to let the relationship go.
Jenny
June 17, 2014 at 9:48 pm
I know that no contact acts upon the principle that “absence makes the heart grow fonder”… but what about “out of sight out of mind”? I seriously feel like he doesn’t care about whatever happened with me/the relationship anymore. Like if I died right now he probably would just say “aww that’s too bad”…
Jenny
June 18, 2014 at 2:48 pm
I pretty much vanished from his life, I wonder if he misses me… can he move on that fast? Or has he already moved on during that one month “trial period” after he came back or even before that?
Jenny
June 20, 2014 at 1:11 pm
And how do I heal myself when everything I see reminds me of him? 🙁
bea
September 10, 2014 at 11:34 pm
my x told me almost exactly the same things. I don’t love you anymore. he didn’t totally block me, but hides a lot of his stuff (i suppose). and we were together 12 years! so 3 months later…what happened? thank you.
Jenny
June 12, 2014 at 10:27 pm
Plus he’s working all the time and also getting a second job so I think it’ll make it even easier for him to move on from me since he’s immersed in his job.
Jenny
June 13, 2014 at 2:00 am
He also clearly told me that he didn’t want the relationship anymore. Doesn’t matter what I say or do, how I change my behavior (not that I would be a doormat) I cannot save the relationship, not because I did a single terrible thing to him, but rather he needs new things in life now and they do not include me… he thanked me for the fun time we had, apologized for not feeling the same way, then said goodbye… 🙁
Naomi
June 9, 2014 at 11:33 am
Hi Chris,
Me and my guy were dating for 2 and a half year and literally everything was perfect. I could say that my man loved me very much. But 6 months ago he left the country and traveled to his brother. I wasn’t sure for LDR but he convinced me and went for it. In the beginning it was awkward but eventually I got used to it. With time I started to get insecure as he would talk to me less. And then there were days we would talk all day long. Eventually one day we had an argument and I thought he was lying to me so I insisted to give me his facebook password and he denied. I let it go. Few days later he asked me who do I snapchat with and to send him screenshots. He wasn’t convinced and suddenly the log of snapchat got erased and he broke up with me thinking I was cheating on him. I sent him the screenshot to it later and he wouldn;t reply. 11 days later he deleted our pictures from Facebook and blocked me on instagram from seeing his activity. (I deleted him from facebook though) I really love this guy. And Iwant him back. We were about to marry soon. The only problem is his brother would mess with his brain. I haven’t contacted him. Doing the NC rule since then and its my 30th day tomorrow. He hasn’t contacted me either. Is there any way I can get him back?
admin
June 9, 2014 at 3:32 pm
Happy Birthday!
Sorry about the breakup obviously. How long have you been in NC total?
Jen A
June 9, 2014 at 3:58 am
Hi,
Less than a week ago my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me.. we actually met online and this year I decided to go see him.. so I traveled to his country.. he was nice and good to me he even paid for the place where I stayed. During that time I only got to be with him less than 2 days out of 4 days I was there..I was sad and frustrated because I didn’t have enough time with him but he had a family reunion he had to go (even if he invited me I was not going to go.. I don’t think it was the right way to meet his parents) well I became very emotional and sensitive and I was very hurtful with my words to him and I have to admit I was not sweet at all to him .. because I felt shy all the time..I was not confident enough and I could not express my true feelings to him.. and the last night together I did not talk to him at all.. he asked me do you want to eat something.. do you want this.. I will give a samsung tablet to your dad but everything he asked I only replied with a heavy “NO” as the result of everything I ended up arguing with him but he kept calm and did not say anything to me. I thought we were okay after I called him when I was at the aiport but for my surprised after coming back he did not contacted me at all for a week but that week one of my friends called him and she actually yelled at him when he mentioned the break up word. A week after he contacted me and wanted to stop our relationship.. he said I was tooo sensitive and he couldnt stand that and he also said we were not compatible due to my actions. I told him I was sorry.. I begged to him to not to break up and he said I am sorry but I want to be alone for a while. Then I told him I wanted to fix things with him and he said maybe later but not now. So I said I was going back to see and he said its okay you can come again.. but then I started begging again and he replied with leave alone I felt like you wanted me to focus only in you and take care more of you (he took care of me which I am thankful but he felt I wanted more and more) then I told him I was going to leave him alone but that I was going back again to show him my real feelings to him and he said okay, I will make some time for you. Lets meet another day if possible..now bye. I felt he was hurt by my actions and behaviour.. I want him back.. but I am not sure if he will give me a second opportunity. He said he is flexible with things but not for this. I dont want to give up on him because I have not shown him my real feelings.. I feel really bad. I called him but no answer I have texted him but no replies.. now I have decided not to contact him till september to see if he still wants me to go if not then I will move on. 🙁
admin
June 9, 2014 at 3:19 pm
So, are you two still seperated by countries?
Sophia
April 30, 2014 at 4:36 am
Hi Chris,
I just would like to ask about an advice for my situation.
I am brazilian, and I have met my british boyfriend in Australia.
We felt in love, and had lived in Au together for 1.5 year.
last year he decided go back to UK and we were keeping our relationship.
He left in July and in September I booked my flights to spend 8 weeks with him.
In that moment he introduced me for all family.
I was back in Au after that and he still in UK.
He never told me any plans, but always said i love you and you are going with me whatever I will be.
I went over there back for 2 weeks last January.
Well, he broke up with me with a excuse: I have met someone 3 weeks ago.
After that, I cut the communication off with him. Surprisingly, he sent an email and said he would like to speak with me, as I ignored the first one, he sent an email and said he doesnt have anyone over there, and hejust told it because he is unsure about the fact he would like to get married and have kids.
As the story come up, I open myself for him again..
For now, we are having conversation by facebook.
Honestly, I can feel he loves me, he is just scared about get a serious relationship..
In that case, I asked you.. What Can I do in my situation?
I already told him about my feeling and everything.. It seems stuck somewhere..I can not identify..
Thank you for your help..
Anyway congratulations for your great job.. 🙂
sarah
April 28, 2014 at 1:41 pm
Hey chris,
My ex and I broke up in jan. initially we agreed on being friends since we need to meet each other on a daily basis. after that I kept sending him messages and emails until he got so angry he starts to ignore me and he wanted to block me from everything. So I waited one week of NC and I send him a long email telling him I AM SORRY and that I understand that we should both let go and move on. He replied me through message and told me he was angry and he hated me but now he forgave me and wish me all the best in my future.
I thought that’s the end of us, but few days later, it was his birthday. I thought I should just leave him alone, so I didn’t wish him. At night, he message me asking why I didn’t wish him for his birthday. I replied him that we should stay out of each other’s life. But he said we can try being best friends if i promised we will remain just best friends forever. So I agree. When I ask for him help recently, he helped me. I email him and ask him to work together with me. He agreed and now we are both working on a project together.
What does all his action mean? Do I still have a chance or should I just move on and remain his best friend?
Sally
April 30, 2014 at 8:55 am
Hey chris, he confessed that actually he was not really happy to be part of a one year project together, he said he tried not to think about it, but it will be awkward working together.
What does he mean? I really don’t know what to do anymore, I need ur guidance. Whether I should give up n just be his best friend or whether I still have a chance?
Jen
April 13, 2014 at 6:35 pm
Hi Chris,
I did NC and started talking to my ex again, using TXB. Everything went well, even up to an emotional honesty text where we both admitted there was still a connection between us. More talks after that about leaving the past behind and starting fresh, which he was happy about. Then suddenly, he got cold feet and stopped texting me. I was really patient and like another month went by and occasionally we’d have a normal, friendly chat, and I was being patient because he was very busy working long distance and I knew he didn’t have time to address this. So now he is back and he reached out once. I replied several hours later, very friendly, and he seemed butt hurt that I didn’t respond immediately. So after about a week of more trickling, I straight out asked if he had feelings for someone new… Figured this could only be what happened and I’d just rather know than continue trying. He replied that he doesn’t have time for dating and couldn’t understand why I’d ask. I asked if he wanted to know. He said if I could keep it short, then yes. So I said, ok, well a couple weeks ago we were talking about starting fresh, etc… He cuts me off and says, I’m sorry if you were misled, I am only looking to be friends.
At that point I lost my cool a bit. I did not get angry, but I wrote a very long letter explaining my position of being willing to start new and left him with three options: forget the past and never speak of it again and start new, or if he wants friendship then I need the breakup to be explained before I move forward with that because it was really messed up, or third option, he can choose to never speak to me again (not angry, just that I will accept this too.) then said I am not speaking again unless spoken to first.
At this point, all I think I can do is re-enter a new 30 days of NC to put the fear of God back into him of losing me forever.
I can’t be friends with someone I was once in love with, it just holds me back from finding love again someday.
Curious what you think… If he reaches out, should I respond, or would it be best to stick to a new 30 days? Or if it’s a lost cause and I should cut him out?
Thank you for your anticipated advice…
admin
April 14, 2014 at 5:16 pm
Maybe instead of 30 days you could do it for 21 days.
Jen
April 18, 2014 at 7:09 pm
Update on this situation… Curious what you think the odds are, here.
So my ex is long distance for the time being, coming back here in about 30 days which is ideal considering it just started round 2 of NC.
Before starting NC, we had one more text conversation, where he wanted to talk to me before I cut him out, as I said I would need to because I can’t be friends. I need to either be moving forward or moving on. So we were chatting and I asked very straightforwardly and not desperate if my letter inspired any curiosity in him.
He said, “Your letter inspired warm memories and I appreciate it. I’m just not in a place to commit to those feelings right now. I have decided I’m not ready to be vulnerable yet.”
This floored me. Because he is not really an open-emotional guy and he also wouldn’t say this just to be nice and let me down easy. I believe him. However, I think he is banking on that he can drag his feet as long as he wants and I’m not going anywhere. This is why I feel a 2nd NC is crucial.
I replied half an hour later, “Thank you for the honesty, I appreciate it. And I hear you.”
He responded immediately, “Don’t think for a second that I don’t still care deeply for you as a friend.”
I didn’t respond. That was two days ago and we are officially in NC 🙂 I know he is waiting for me to come back and chase and he won’t be getting that. Also, his birthday is in a week and I will be in the middle of NC.
Just curious what you think… Have I really been “friend zoned” or is he just dragging his feet? If I have really been friend zoned, I think it’s a lost cause.
In your opinion, is there is still a shot at this?
admin
April 20, 2014 at 3:24 am
Looks like you have been friendzoned for the time being but I still think he has some deep feelings for you.
Jen
April 20, 2014 at 1:47 pm
Useless… All this work to be friend zoned… I guess it’s a lost cause. I’m too tired to try anymore. I will do the 21 days and hope and pray I feel better by the end of this NC.
admin
April 20, 2014 at 9:17 pm
Nothings ever useless.
I know sometimes things don’t go your way but that just means you know more than you did before and you can adapt.
Jen
April 20, 2014 at 9:31 pm
Yeah, well the truth is I still love him and miss him every day (duh) and back in Feb-March we were at a point where he was texting me in a romantic way… Then he got busy with crazy work hours and like dropped off. So I think this is a combo of his crazy work life and cold feet right now. I would like to not give up, I am just wondering if I am crazy for even still trying at this point.
So I’ve read like every article on here, including the “When Your Ex Wants to be Friends” … and gathering from that, I think I have to stick to a new NC period no matter what, birthday or no, and take the risk of him having his balls in his throat next week when his present from me is crickets.
This makes me sad because I really do not want to hurt him… but maybe this is the only hope left. 🙁
Jen
April 20, 2014 at 9:36 pm
I can’t bear it when he switched from talking romantic back to talking to me like a friend… I just cannot bear that and it hurts too much. I can’t pretend to be a friend when I want more.
Jen
April 20, 2014 at 3:02 pm
Do you think it’s wise to not even give him a happy birthday when that rolls around? I want to stick to NC truly but I know this will hurt him deeply and I don’t want to do that either.
Jen
April 20, 2014 at 3:05 pm
Then again, it might be the kick-start that is needed here. I don’t know… What’s your opinion?
Jen
April 18, 2014 at 9:35 pm
And if so, would it be best to stick to a strict 21 day minimum, or respond to him if he reaches out first?
Jen
April 19, 2014 at 12:26 am
For the record, it’s been two and a half months since I opened contact with him after the first NC period. I am starting to get tired of it and about ready to give up completely, but I don’t want to quit five minutes before the miracle?
Jen
April 15, 2014 at 3:58 am
Thanks, sounds good… 21 from my last letter to him or 21 from if/when he contacts me again?
Jen
April 13, 2014 at 7:04 pm
We broke up initially because of a fight. Relationship lasted 11 months total. This breakup was some time ago, in early December.
Sad girl
April 11, 2014 at 11:31 pm
Hi Chris,
I am writing to express my thanks to you and keeping this site alive. I purchased your e-book and has followed your advices and tried my best to get back together with my ex after we broke up a few months ago.
We both made mistakes while being together and after we broke up. We still had feelings for each other, but he decided things happened between us make it difficult for this relationship to survive and asked me to move on.
It was difficult for me… Really miss him, but also know that I need to respect and accept the facts and his decision.
I can only say that I learned a lot from this relationship and your e-book. Without your help, it would be much more difficult for me to survive the breakup.
Thank you very much and wish you all the best! You are the best man!!
will need to survive this time…it is not easy but I will need to do that.
Sue
April 7, 2014 at 5:05 pm
Hi,
I’ll give you some background on him: he’s 3 years younger than me (33/36), been living in the US for 2 years (he’s from Paris), a socially awkward Google engineer, and is a serial monogamist (never married/no kids). He’s been in very long term relationships and shorter ones, but he says he’s never been in love.
A very short version of the situation:
1. we met online and he pursued me hard, even though I was really busy at work and dating someone else (I kept that to myself).
2. we became monogamous about 6 weeks later, which was also when we had sex for the first time, and he began introducing me to his friends as his girlfriend.
3. we spent the holidays together, I went to his work party, we went to Costa Rica together where we celebrated his birthday and Valentine’s day.
4. 6 months after we met, the day after my birthday (which he went gaga for me on-presents, dinner, fun activities), I asked him where we stood/where this was going and it resulted in a breakup as he said he wasn’t in love with me. He was hysterically crying during this breakup, saying he didn’t know why he didn’t love me, I’m so good to him, something is wrong with him, etc.
5. We emailed a couple times over the next week and a half and he affirmed that we could not get back together as it would lead to more sorrow.
6. I’ve been in NC for 5 days an intend on keeping it up for a month.
What do you think: can I get him back? any and all info will be helpful-I’m really sad without him and will follow your advice!!
admin
April 8, 2014 at 5:26 pm
I think you have a shot. Stay with NC though!
N
April 2, 2014 at 10:26 pm
Hi Chris,
I’ve been reading your site for a while now, the content is great but I feel like I’ve come to a dead end and unsure of how to continue.
Me and my ex had a very happy relationship for almost a year and a half. The breakup was out of the blue and wasn’t angry but there was a lot of crying from the both of us. He basically told me he didn’t think I was the one even though he really wanted me to be. He told me I was wonderful and loved me, just not enough. I would like to point out that he took a couple of weeks to make this decision. A time when I was ill and spent lying on the sofa and even though he was very caring I can’t help think that the timing wasn’t great, as after almost a year and half you can start to question is this what I want.
This was back in January so I’ve been struggling a while now, I’ve been doing NC for a couple of weeks on and off. We’re in a very close mutual friendship group so we see each other a lot and we also rock climb at the same centre, so bumping into him more than once in a week is pretty common. In those situations, we’re amicable, chatty but I get the impression he’s trying to put up a wall. A wall of emotional protection or a wall of keep away from me, I’m not quite sure. Since the breakup, it is extremely rare he has text messaged first, when I text him using some of the techniques you suggest, the responses are upbeat but not engaging and leave me feeling like he’s just not interested to have a conversation. This has been going on for a couple of weeks.
I think what I need to gauge is do I give up? I want him back but I feel like I’m not getting anywhere.
Nicola
admin
April 4, 2014 at 4:36 pm
Not quite yet… I think you should try to advance to the point where you actually go on a one on one date. Just try to get there and then reasses.
N
April 6, 2014 at 11:46 pm
Thanks. Should I keep using the same text strategy or should I just ask to meet up? I know things don’t happen overnight but I see him with my mates quite a bit so I’m wondering whether being direct is the right thing to do?
N
April 15, 2014 at 8:09 pm
Hi Chris, I was chatting to my ex a couple of days ago, which involved talking about some of his things on my amazon wish list, so I what’s app’d the screenshots of the wish list. Now our what’s app messages have some pretty coupley content so I saw it as an ideal opportunity to remind him one of our happiest memories. I told him that sometimes I really missed him and mentioned the memory which a very happy time for both of us.
The conversation ended there and It’s been over two days now and I still haven’t heard back, did I scare him off?!
Kris
March 30, 2014 at 2:59 pm
Hi Chris!
I have read your articles which all gave me a bit of hope that I would eventually get back with my ex. I’m willing to try all the things you suggest however, I’m kind of worried that my boyfriend won’t want to get back with me after. Im worried that he might only remember the bad stuff that happened to us. Our relationship had its ups and downs but sadly, all our fights(even the smallest reasons led to big fights) led him to break up with me and I just kept begging for him to stay. This last time, I also begged for him to stay(wrong decision, I know haha) but he didn’t budge anymore so I let him go. I do believe though that we loved each other so much during our happy moments. I just want to know if you think I still have the slightest chance of getting back together with him despite all our fights and almost break-ups. Hope you can give me your advice. Thanks!
-Kris
zye16
March 29, 2014 at 6:23 am
Hi Chris please help me. , I need some advice about LDR . My ex and i has been away for 15 months and he decided to broke up with me cause he met someone else but they are not together cause he said he is confused of what he wants at that time. We broke up 3 months ago and we tried to be friends after the break up but it’s on and off. he always tell me he wants me in his life every time we get back as being friends, his reason was I was the one who taught him what really love is. Yesterday, I decided to ask for some time for myself and I’m planning to do the no contact rule. Am I doing the right thing? Cause I really love him and want him back. Is there any chance of getting him back again?
admin
March 30, 2014 at 8:43 pm
Have you read my long distance page?
Liz
March 29, 2014 at 4:22 am
I’ve broken up with my ex from a 6 months relationship for about 5 months now. I initiated the break up and immediately regretted it. We have both met each other’s parents. So when I broke up with him it was a big shock to him. He is an extremely stubborn person and he said one of the reasons he doesn’t want to get back together is because of how stubborn he is. I don’t know. The first two months after the break-up I’ve been trying really hard (maybe too hard) to get back with him and all I got from him was that he had no more feelings left for me. So I gave up somehow and did NC. He texted me a week after NC saying that he really missed me and after that he would initiate contact every other day. When we finally met in person, he was acting like we were dating again and being really nice to me. Until one day I finally brought up the “let’s get back together talk”, he said he realized that he still had feelings for me after I stopped talking to him but he just don’t want a relationship with anyone right now although he does consider getting back together with me all the time. After that I just never brought up the topic again. However, for the past 3 months or so, we kept going through phases of seeing each other everyday and then not talking at all because of a fight, and then seeing each other everyday again. Every time we decide not to talk to each other he would tell me that he’s really hurt and that I’m the closest person to him right now, yet he doesn’t want to date me. Also, I was recently diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and is currently taking medication. After I told him about it, he’s been extra nice to me. I was going through a depressive episode yesterday so I asked him why he never told me to stop talking to him and why he stayed by my side all this time. He said he just didn’t feel like not talking to me after weighing the costs and benefits, and that he really does care a lot about me. I don’t understand what he wants out of this. Any suggestions on what I could do next? Should I start NC again? Because I really want to get back together with him.
admin
March 30, 2014 at 8:43 pm
What have your conversations been like with him via text?
Liz
March 31, 2014 at 4:27 am
After the NC period he would just ask me what I’m doing all the time and my schedule for the day. Then he asked if we could hang out like we use to. After we started hanging out everyday, we would just text each other saying what time we’re free and then just see each other in person.
Liz
March 29, 2014 at 4:28 am
Oh and also, he was actually the person who suggested me to get my symptoms diagnosed because at one point I was just too depressed to do anything. But he did say that he didn’t mind my depression, he said he accepted it but I still broke up with him. Should I stop trying? I feel like I’ve done too much damage already and I don’t want him to stay by my side out of pity.
Siren
March 27, 2014 at 3:09 pm
My ex and I have had a horrible break-up after an 8 months relationship that was quite good (a few quarrels, but nothing heavy). I think that we both were very tense the day we broke up (he had to go on a 1-2 month travel that he was not feeling good about; I knew already I was gonna miss him a lot during this period) and so, a few days before his travelling we wanted to go on a one day excursion (part of my birhtday gift for him) and he let me standing there and said the last moment (while everything had been paid for) that he was not gonna go….
I freaked out and started to yell at him that I hated him for doing this to me and that I wanted him to take his things out of my house and go…
You know, it was the second time that morning he said he was not gonna come. All kinds of things had gone wrong (with his ID and confusion about where we were gonna meet up), but these were not my fault and as a few days before he had already threatened to leave me after a quarrel (he would do this more often, and I would always calm him down….), at that moment I just could not take it anymore and freaked out…
For three days we did not speak to each other. On the day before he travelled I sent him 2 texts and tried to call him, saying that I wanted us to talk this over quietly, for I preferred him to leave with his mind and heart at ease….
No reply…
Then, I wrote him an e-mail four days later in which I apologized for having reacted in this heavy way, and that I was sorry that we had come to that situation and if we could talk it over quietly…. (and asking him why he decided the last moment not to come..)
I got a text 2 days later, and we texted a bit, but he was very cold and politically correct. A bit my fault too, for I “took over” the conversation and did not really let him develop it….
We texted a bit for one day. I asked him if he had read my e-mail and what he thought of it and his answer was “I think it is OK that you are aware of the situation”. I answered with a small joke we used to have among the two of us, but have not heard from him ever since. That was five days ago….
I have entered a NC period since 2 days now…
Actually I had hoped that he would also be sorry for letting me standing there the last moment (on the excursion that was meant for his b´day) and that we could open up a conversation, but nothing like that…. or not yet, at least.
All my friends think we will be back together, for he always loved me a lot, and I want him to come back, but that we both learn how to improve our communication…
Do you think I have any chances?
admin
March 28, 2014 at 12:07 am
I think you have a chance.
Siren
April 25, 2014 at 5:12 pm
After completing 3 weeks if NC I thought to see that he had blocked me on his whatsapp (now I know it is only because of the bad wifi reception in his country) and panicked.
(I have been living on my own for several years and know I am perfectly capable of doing so, I even have a very active social life, but when I feel abandoned by a boyfriend I enter in a sort of panic state..)
So, I called him on Viber with a job excuse (I hate myself for doing this and for reacting this nervous way). And he replied to me and it seemed to me he was happy to hear from me. He was quite nice (at first), though distant and politically correct. (He thanked me for my interest, but did not ask how I was doing!) So we texted a bit, but one day later I have the feeling I am where I was again.
Am I too impatient? Is it the bad internet connection? Was it the bad that I texted about work and not about him?
I am thinking of entering another 30 day NC period. What´s your opinion, please? Thanks in advance
admin
April 28, 2014 at 4:03 pm
You could be a bit more patient but your not doing too bad.
It was bad to text him about work though. You should have tried to give him something more interesting than that.
Siren
May 23, 2014 at 12:05 pm
Hi Chris,
Three days before my second NC period finished, a mutual friend contacted me to inform me that a close friend of my ex had died in a car accident. He recommended me to contact him. So, I send him a text message with my condolences (I sent a really nice, sweet, understanding text) and he replies “Thank you”. I asked: “How are you coping?” And he says: “Bad, but that´s life”.
OK, the guy is having a really bad time, but this kind of cold, politically correct messages hurt my feelings. (I hate political correctness). It is 2,5 months ago now since we broke up and in the 2 NC periods I have done he has not contacted me even once and his replies to me are like above: educated but cold/at a distance. He has not asked me even once how I am doing.
I really feel hurt by his attitude and wonder whether I should continue with what I am doing. Do other women feel hurt too by this kind of replies? Or am I just still too sensitive to start a recovery-pro and should I wait a bit until I feel stronger? Am I too unpatient?
You know, today I have blocked HIM on my mobile phone and to tell you the truth, right now I am close to closing the book….
I have always known he is a very proud man (his pride eats him!), but maybe I am just too sensitive to be with a man like that. Maybe in a life together with him he would hurt my feelings more often with this attitude…..
Sigh, I just don´t know what to do….
Siren
May 27, 2014 at 2:15 pm
Dear Chris, I don´t want to abuse your time and space here, but what do you recommend in these cases of extreme stubbornness and pride? Just drop it?
Thanks for your help and advice and congrats on your site!! No matter what will be the outcome of my “case”, it was very interesting to read your site and book (I ordered it)! And I have learned many things here (though I am not your best student perhaps, hehehe)!
admin
May 28, 2014 at 2:31 pm
I wrote about this on the male mind post I think… one of those male mind posts.
One sec…
Here is the link:
https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-male-mind-during-the-no-contact-rule/
Siren
May 2, 2014 at 12:49 pm
Thanks for your support, Chris. It encourages me.
Luckily I am very busy with work now, but in 10-14 days (let´s say) I am gonna give it another try…. then with something more interesting. Promiss! 🙂
drew
March 26, 2014 at 10:08 am
Hi Chris,
In a nutshell, split from my 2 year bf 7 weeks ago. Hes 51, I am 46, both kids from previous relationships. I initiated as I want us to live together his time is limited. He doesn’t want to. After the initial fallout we emailed each other with me doing the begging pleading that this was all stupid. He then came back with he doesn’t love me and wants to sleep with other women. (I believe he has not cheated on me)
My gut reaction is he does love me and the other women is usual for men to desire.
He now I believe has put his toe back in the dating scene as I am putting 2+2 together from his facebook posts and is seeing someone.
After reading your posts which are great by the way. I believe this to be a rebound and our relationship break was not too terrible. Our relationship was fantastic as in we did nothing but laugh together I felt lucky to have him and a great sex life. We holidayed together alone and with children. The one problem was his schedule was awful dates were booked in the diary a month in advance usually around 2 times a week. When he was with me he treated me like a princess when he left it was if he put me in a box and forgot about me til the next date.
Oh by the way done NC now for 2 weeks. He hasn’t tried to contact me either.
Should I give up? Im driving myself mad with thinking about him and I swear I am going to go nuts! Is this man emotionally capable of regretting not trying to make it work? What are your thoughts?
admin
March 26, 2014 at 5:47 pm
Not quite yet. Finish out NC and give it a shot. He may just be extremely stubborn.
Sam
March 26, 2014 at 8:42 am
Please Help Me!!!
My ex and I were together for 4 months or so. Our relationship was great overall, only problem was my trust issue and I got a little clingy/overbearing (he referred to me as turning “stage 12 clinger” to one of his friends)…We had few talks about my issue and we broke up once for a few days because of it/a situation…then he broke up with me saying I deserve better and he doesn’t know what he’s doing, etc. After a while, he said he doesn’t see anything with me in the future…Our breakup wasn’t bad…But I do want him back he’s a really good guy and I messed up because I was getting to needy, nothing psycho but definitely changed a lot the last month or two we were together into someone that I am not. My question is that is there even still a chance between us? I’ve been trying to date other guys and I still find myself thinking about him. Pretty much 90% of our memories are good ones, we made a great couple and I basically started this downward spiral of behaviors in the relationship that lead to its demise and made him feel like it’s not “meant to be”
…We had been in contact just about every 7-10 days since break up around January 30, 2014. Not really any contact in between the 7-10 days. I saw him these times to get belongings (He never has my belongings ready), talk…So i’ve seen him 4 times…slept together the second time. Almost slept together the 3rd and 4th times, but I didn’t let it happen. I last saw him on Wednesday 3/12, at which point I overstayed my welcome, it got late and he strongly urged me to stay the night because he thought I was falling asleep. I stayed and nothing happened other than kissing and cuddling, until after I should have left already, so after we woke up even…he was very cuddly and close most of the time though, but part of me thinks that he just felt bad. Part of me also thinks otherwise because he kept bringing up old memories (90% positive!) and saying how much fun we always had, and what good memories he had, having my head right in his shoulder the way it used to be. Then he said something about how he got some really strong, loud, overpowering thought in his head and that an inner voice had never been so loud before, but that he didn’t want to share because he thought it’d be selfish bc he “doesn’t know what he’s doing and has had similar feelings before so doesn’t know if they are real”. He has also said things like “I want to spend more time with you, show you i’m not an asshole”, and “i’m not seeing anyone else because part of me is still in love with you” (4 weeks ago)…So the last time I saw him, we were about 1 min away from having sex and I just said “I have to go”, got dressed, left, and haven’t spoken since. Now, since the 15th or 16th…he has created a new online dating profile and it says this “I know my type and wouldn’t be opposed to settling down with the right woman should I come across her.” and “…all that’s missing is the right woman.” …yet he told me that he felt we are very compatible and that I am one of the most amazing women he’s ever met. He’s also talked to other women and friends about how amazing I am, saying he has nothing bad to say about me and listing off positive qualities. It’s been just about two full months, and it’s been 15 days no contact consecutively. He did message me in a video game offering advice and he even watched me play a week ago, I didn’t respond. I have dated other guys and tried moving on but nothing compares to the connection that I shared with him. 🙁
admin
March 26, 2014 at 5:44 pm
I hear ya.
You are halfway through the NC. Have you read my updated theory on getting an ex back? I think you could really benefit from that.
Sam
March 31, 2014 at 9:08 am
Also, i’m not sure if it’s relevant but amidst our intimacy, I broke down in tears for a couple minutes. He tried comforting me and once I stopped crying he asked if i’d been missing him and thinking about him a lot. I told him I was fine until I saw him and that i’ve been dating other people but none of them interest me at all. He said the same thing about women he has met and said many times that he misses me like crazy. Why is he so hot and cold and confusing?! Does he know what he is doing or wants?! I’ve read all of your other articles.
Sam
March 31, 2014 at 8:05 am
I read your updated theory on getting an ex back, after seeing him though.
So I saw him last night/this morning after 21 days NC. I planned on seeing him Sunday night but when I messaged him late Sat night about a video game, he asked if I wanted to come over to share some of the food he was cooking. I agreed and went over. Things were friendly, he did give me a very long hug after being there for 15 mins, where he hugged me really hard and also felt/held onto my sides. Other than that, he was keeping distance and staying friendly, talking, laughing. We sat on opposite ends of his couch, talking, and ended up next to each other. He put his arm around me and pulled me towards him and told me that he misses me so much. We sat in a comfortable silence for a while. He ended up kissing me. We spent a really long time kissing, etc and ended up in his bedroom for a ridiculously long amount of time and slept for a little while. We did not exactly sleep together though, I told him I couldn’t be with someone that I wasn’t with and a lot of other similar statements. I also told him that I could not do that without emotion. He told me many times that I am beautiful and he missed me very much and not a day goes by that he doesn’t think about me. We spent a lot of time talking and laughing as well. He said that he doesn’t feel like he is capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone right now and that he doesn’t want to hurt me, etc. I was at his house for a long time (4:30 am-6:30 pm), minus 7 hours for sleep, I feel like I stayed there too long, and i’m not really sure what to do now or what the next step is to getting him back. Does he really just not want a relationship with me? How can I convince him otherwise? Did I mess it up by being too intimate with him? I am supposed to sell him some concert tickets before Saturday (or possibly go with him to concert with his friends), last words were talking about whether or not it would be weird if I went to the concert with him and his friends. He instantly said no, not weird and then said “umm well, maybe a little.” What should I say to him to get him to want to take me to the concert instead of just buying the tickets from me? The show is Saturday, when should I text or call about the tickets and seeing if I am going with them? What do I do?!?
admin
March 31, 2014 at 4:29 pm
I think you should text about the tickets.
Sam
April 3, 2014 at 8:58 am
Ok, update! I asked him about the concert and he seemed excited about the idea of me coming along with him and his friends, so I am going. Should I tell him that we can only be friends? I feel like this is a very critical time and I don’t want to take the wrong steps and completely ruin any chance of getting him back. Can you help me?
Sam
April 3, 2014 at 3:09 am
But what should I say to him? Because I want to go with him to the concert and i’m pretty sure he hasn’t found a taker for the other ticket yet. Should I tell him I can’t be more than friends with him but would like to try being friends? I know it wouldn’t be weird if I went with him and his friends but how do I make sure he knows that? If he says we shouldn’t go together, what’s the next step? Do you think there is any chance of getting him back? Should I try to be just friends and go from there?
Nicky
March 21, 2014 at 2:40 pm
Hi Chris
I commented some time ago and I hope you can give me a bit more advice
My partner & I were together for 16+ years, we have been through the limited contact, we have been texting with positive results, he looked after the house & dog for me whilst I was on holiday last week, we have hugged, had walks and had a date but things are v slow, but he is not a man to be rushed. When I came back from my holiday we chatted for a couple of hours and then he hugged me when he left and I told him that I miss him and he said he missed me too, he was texting a lot whilst I was away and then on my return although it has died down towards the end of the week. Do you think I should start the conversations, I have normally left it up to him to start the contact as I know he feels pressured sometimes, there are no resistances that I’m aware of after reading through your list and we still get on really well although I am worried about being placed in the friend zone. I have done all the texts suggested even the it shows how good we were together when we can still make each other smile after he told me he missed me this weekend, he didn’t comment on this, but has sent texts since
Basically I’m scared, I don’t want to push things but I feel that I’m getting nowhere and I’m anxious that I don’t blow it. What would you suggest to be the next step
Many thanks
Nicky
admin
March 21, 2014 at 5:17 pm
Well eventually a risk has to be taken to advance things… so I say advance it but advance it slowly and carefully.
Nicky
March 24, 2014 at 10:19 am
Well he came at the weekend but a day later than promised, I asked him if he fancied going out for a drink, explained that his texts whilst I was on holiday and the ones since have put a smile on my face etc, we hugged, he is still seeing the same woman from NYE, but said that she wanted it to be a lot more serious than he did, again I tried to point out that we still get on really well but I didn’t want to become a `friend’ and he went very quiet so we hugged again and eventually he left, this was all discussed in a very civilised manner as it always is, there has been no shouting & screaming although i have wanted too lol. He is coming on Friday evening to bury the dogs ashes, long story but I need to get them done and he keeps putting it off and then it’s time to move on, I have kept the door open for nearly 6 months, without forcing the issue or openly advertising it and being the happy smiley, don’t you just want to be with this type of person girl, but he needs to sort his life out, I also have 2 cars, 1 motorbike & a workshop full of all his tools/hydraulic ramps/parts/mechanic items which he is happily storing at my house with no immediate rush to get things sorted, I realise I have blown it, but at 42 years old I think it’s probably about time he has a few home truths. So my question is, how should I approach Friday, matter of fact or try and appeal to his emotions?
Thanks again
Nicky
March 24, 2014 at 1:53 pm
And just to cap everything, he knew I was mountain biking with mutual friends yesterday, so he’s just texted asking how it went and where did we go, I think he’s confused!!!
Anonymous
March 18, 2014 at 11:31 pm
HELP
What if you have 3 resistances but they are all sort of mixed signals? Like I know that the “NC after NC” the “I don’t like you any more” and the fallout one are all sort of true in my case but not completely true all the time. And I know he has been going through some really bad changes in his family life when he broke up with me and for the past few months (he broke up with me 4 months ago) I have sent a few texts but have had very little response and I asked him over the phone to meet up in person and he said yes but now he is ignoring me again… I am assuming I should just wait a little while because he is really busy with his family right now but do you think there is any hope for me??
Melissa
March 15, 2014 at 2:15 am
Hey Chris, my boyfriend broke up with me cause he wanted to focus on himself at the moment, he is trying to not have to much on his place than there has to be. im currently NC and still no answers but it has only been five days. but what does that mean when a guy says that?