What To Do If Your Ex Doesn't Contact You During No Contact- How To Make Him Talk

Kate

May 9, 2015 at 2:45 pm

Hi Chris, I have read and re read every article you’ve written on here to try and work out what to do about my ex. We went out for 2years, we were going to get married and have children. But he lost a close member of his family and entered a downward spiral, he became so unhappy and in turn it broke us. We argued and I couldn’t make him happy. He left but that just started a cycle of him coming and going and not knowing what he wanted with me or anything. I found it hard but I understood how unhappy it was so I went along with the seeing him but not getting back together. He still seemed to be out of control, happy some days and then I wouldn’t hear from him for days until he’d call me drunk to talk and then it would start again. He didn’t know if he wanted us to be together as he said we couldn’t be happy and we argued to much etc. I thought we were making progress, we were getting along and everything seemed ok as I kept a distant and didn’t push for commitment. But then he went away for a few weeks on holiday and came back to tell me he’s leaving the country to get a fresh start at his life he doesn’t love me and we have no future and going to start dating other people. He wanted my friendship but I still love him and I don’t think I can offer it without always hoping there will be more. I keep thinking he’ll change his mind as he’s changed it so much before but I haven’t heard from him in a few weeks. I really am struggling to know what to do. I don’t want to hassle him but Im not convinced he’s thinking straight at all. I think if he faced up to his problems and unhappiness over losing someone close it would help. I want him to be happy and I truly believe we can overcome this but if he says he doesn’t love me or want me what can I do. The last time I saw him when he told me his decision we said we’d keep in touch but now I haven’t heard from him at all. I haven’t contacted him because I didn’t know whether I should do NC, although if he’s made up his mind NC isn’t going to change that. Any suggestions?

Jessica

May 6, 2015 at 10:12 pm

I have been with my bf/ex for 6.5 years. We took a couple of breaks during this time, and a couple of times was pretty serious but he was always the one to want to work it out. Last time was about a year ago, and he joined the Army 2wks after the initial break up, then a month later he wanted to get back together before he left. So now a year after waiting for him through boot camp, AIT, and now he lives 2 states away he broke up with me. We were both drunk and I just wanted him to text me back. (which was dumb) After hanging up on each other I told him I couldn’t handle it, though we both know I didn’t mean it, so later he ended up texting me saying since I said I was done then so was he. Now I haven’t heard from him for almost 2 weeks. I even texted him the following morning asking him if he meant what he said, and I got nothing. I emailed him letting him know that I still support him and that I didn’t think a drunk angry text was a legit way to end our relationship so until he said otherwise we are still together. And still nothing. After boot camp he talked about marriage and kids and how we weren’t getting any younger. (26&28) He even thanked me for all the bs he’s put me through. It wasn’t until the Army that he became a compassionate person at all but now he is back to not being “that type of guy”. It’s been a few days with NC what so ever, but with him being in the Army do I even stand a chance?

Katherine

May 6, 2015 at 9:03 pm

I’m nervous that my guy will start seeing other women during the nc period. How do I avoid this and how do I know if he is thinking about seeing other women or is actually doing it? We’re not facebook friends and he lives an hour away. Are there any other articles you wrote that might help me in my situation?

Also, we were never “official” but we were exclusive. Also he just moved to my area for work but when we started seeing each other we both assumed he’d only be here for a few months and then we’d have to decide if we wanted to try a ldr.

Please help! I’m very sad and I just want to talk to him but I’m resisting.

Kristina

May 5, 2015 at 1:31 pm

Hi Chris…. I’ve been reading all your blogs and they have really helped so far. I’m currently on day 9 of NC and have not had any response. My ex and I were together for 8years and the last month of our relationship he started to distance himself. After a weekend of us not talking (thought I’d give him a little space) he texted me saying he just met someone else last week who he has been hanging out with but still wants to be friends with me. He’s never shown interest in any other girls until now. I’m completely blindsided. I feel this may be a rebound. He has meant so much to me for the past 8 years I’m not sure where to go from here, PLEASE RESPOND….

PMag

May 5, 2015 at 7:10 am

Hello:
After midnight (11:30 p.m. his time) of my 30th day of NC, I called my ex. he didn’t answer so I texted him telling him that I had been out exercising and thought of him because he always exercised outside at night. I could see where he saw my text (the messaging app shows it). I could see he was online and I said “hello, are you there?” since it didn’t confirm that he saw the 2nd text it meant he was online in someone elses acct. He ended up getting offline and not responding to me at all. 🙁 Do you think it was the time at night that was wrong, or the fact that he never expected me to reach out to him, and he wasn’t ready with a response? On day 23 he was calling my phone several times and it didn’t show his number but a weird 6 digit number that only he has ever called me from. and disconnecting the call when I would answer. I’m just so confused

Emma

May 4, 2015 at 9:47 pm

Hi Chris
Thank you so much for all your advice – I came upon your website following the huge shock of my boyfriend of almost four years breaking up with me two months ago. I am devastated. I moved cities and careered to be with him and we bought a house together last year but in what feels like to no time at all living together, he decided he didn’t have the ‘Feeling’ to take it to the next level, ie marriage and kids. We are both 35 and had conducted a long distance relationship until I moved to his city. He is adamant, and I mean adament that breaking up is the right decision but it’s not one that I’ve had any say in.
I have successfully completed 30 days of NC (he didn’t contact me at all during that time either) and When NC was up I sent him a birthday card- light nothing heavy or about relationship – then a text yesterday suggesting meeting up at some point to discuss a few things plus some nice words about good memories like you suggested but I’ve had nothing, not a peep back.
He lost his father very suddenly last year and I can’t help thinking that this might have some bearing on his seemingly rash decision and harsh treatment of me. I feel like I am being punished for something and I am not sure why.
As neither NC or the text seems to have encouraged him to respond, what should I do next? Please help!
Any advice would be hugely appreciated, thank you x

Lyla

May 4, 2015 at 12:52 pm

We went separate ways because he isn’t sure he is good enough for marriage. There is a lot of care on both sides, however, he does need to find some internal happiness before he can make someone else happy. Our breakup was unusual. We were hugging and kissing me and we did not want to say goodbye. He told me how much he cared about me, and how wonderful I am and that if he can’t commit to me then he can’t commit to anyone. I am doing NC, but he hasn’t contacted me yet. Is it still ok to contact at the end of 30 days?

Diana

May 3, 2015 at 7:25 pm

Hi Chris,
I’m new here and your NC rule makes a lot of sense and I’d like to enforce it.
However, after my ex broke up with me after losing confidence in our relationship, I told him that I couldn’t be friends with him and in order for me to move on, I told him he’ll no longer see me or be able to talk to me. Obviously he hasn’t contacted me because I told him not to and he said this pains him.
I do want him back because i genuinely believe we are great together and see a bright future for us.
How effective will NC be if he knows that this is what I’m doing? Since we already know we won’t be contacting each other.

Diana

May 3, 2015 at 6:26 pm

Hi Chris,
I’m new here and your NC rule makes a lot of sense and I’d like to enforce it.
However, after my ex broke up with me after losing confidence in our relationship, I told him that I couldn’t be friends with him and in order for me to move on, I told him he’ll no longer see me or be able to talk to me. Obviously he hasn’t contacted me because I told him not to and he said this pains him.
I do want him back because i genuinely believe we are great together and see a bright future for us.
How effective will NC be if he knows that this is what I’m doing? He won’t contact me because I told him not to and he knows I won’t be contacting him.

maria

May 2, 2015 at 5:48 am

hi chris, I am in the middle of my NC now, it’s been 1 week. we were together for over 2 years. I was his first actual girl. one day he randomly decided that he didn’t want me in his life anymore and broke up with me. he was really rude and said hurtful things, including that he never wanted to even hear from me again. I cried in front of him and asked him not to be this cruel to me. his attitude didn’t change. what do you think? I’m still in love with him.

Irina

April 30, 2015 at 4:19 am

Hi Chris,
I have been in NC for 10 days and he hasn’t contacted me yet, but he still likes my pictures on facebook. What does that mean?

Charli

April 30, 2015 at 1:45 am

Hi Chris, my ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago. He did it over email and one of the things was that he hopes we can be friends still but that won’t be til the distant future. There was more but that’s what upset me the most. I am now on day 19 of nc and have not heard a word from him. His phone is still shut off as it was suspended bc he couldn’t pay his. Bill. Besides obsessing over him never activating his phone again I also am paranoid about the whole “friends in distant future” thing. Also his reason for break up was that I go crazy all the time (we got into a bad cycle of me being super needy and I had texted him 50 times then 10-15 for like a week then 0 for two days then again a lot) and he had ignored me up til the day I emailed his work saying check his personal email (he mostly only checks that thru his phone) so he broke up w me saying he no longer wants to be w me bc I go crazy all the time. Also he said he can’t put up with this anymore.

Is it completely over???? I haven’t heard from him at all and that’s 21 days and then 19 of nc! Should I just move on? Like the friends In distant future thing does that mean he is planning to love on and never consider me romantically again?
We had a break up in October and turned out he only wanted a break and also every situation is different. Please help!!! I feel he doesn’t love or miss me at all 🙁 and I’m upset his phone is still off

Kayla

April 30, 2015 at 12:46 am

I was talking to other people online for the last 6 months of my 4 year relationship. My boyfriend found out and immediately broke up with me. For the first 6 weeks I did the predictable gnat texting, begged, and apologized. However, I now am on day 11 of NC. Before we stopped talking he’s actually the one who said we needed to cut each other off so it’s almost like it was his idea but after finding this I agreed with him. I didn’t say anything to that i just simply started my 30 day no contact period unbeknownst to him.

My question is is how should I feel about him blogging stuff that says “the past has passed…let it fucking go.” “Don’t tolerate someone’s disloyalty, love yourself” I’ve noticed him posting stuff like this on his tumblr, at first he was posting love-y stuff but now it seems like he is really moving on. I’m just so scared it’s going to be too late to get him back after the 30 days. Why should I waste my time holding out hope if he’s letting me go? Please help me, Chris:(

Joanna

April 29, 2015 at 8:23 pm

I’ve dated my ex for two happy years….or so I thought were happy. Two weeks he broke up with me. He said that we had different goals in life and we didn’t have enough in common and he felt bad cause I was so dependent on him. Later that day after crying my eyes out I begged him to THINK about taking a break. He said he would it doubts he will do it. I told him to think of our happy memories and that was that. I haven’t spoken to him since.. Do u think I can get him back? Everyone keeps saying no and I’m nervous I’ll never get the man I love back. PLEASE HELP!!!

B

April 29, 2015 at 7:03 pm

Hi Chris – My boyfriend broke things off and then still wanted to be friends. He said it would suck if we couldn’t stay friends and hang out. We hung out a few times, stopped talking for a week, then started back up again talking still as friends. The convo was smooth and great! But then out of nowhere he asked me if I had been with someone since him. I asked why he asked this, he said curious. Then, I said why does that matter, and he said thank you for your answer then said he didn’t want to talk to me right now. I said ok. The next morning, he texts me asking if I wanted him to stop by because he was going to be passing my house. I told him I was about to leave and maybe we could hang out someday soon cause I had things to do. I told him maybe later that night but then changed my mind and apologized because I didn’t feel emotional there at that point in time. Then he was upset. I texted him the next morning asking if I could stop by cause I was in his area, he replied late and said “sorry, yeah, I am running errands for a bit but want to come back around 2” I told him my friend was picking me up around then. He wanted me to bail on her but I told him no. I mean he broke up with me so why should I bail on my friends for him? Then he said he wouldn’t be busy later and to come over late that night. We agreed for 7. After we agreed, literally, 1 hour to the minute later, he texts me and says “I’m sorry to do this but I think it’s best we don’t talk or hang out anymore” WT!! I call calmly and am like “what is going on?” he then says “I just have a feeling, like I need to do this right now” “I asked if he is conflicted cause maybe he was talking to someone, he said he wasn’t. Also, I asked did he not want to be around me anymore or something, he said “no that’s not it at all” so I was confused. After that I texted him, and basically told him to just tell me he doesn’t care anymore or have feelings for me so I can move forward and know the truth, and then he writes, “I don’t care”. I have no clue if the NC rule will even work in this situation. Can you please help? Does he really not care? Should I just move on? Why would he be so pressed to hang out with me all week and then all of a sudden say we shouldn’t talk or hangout anymore? And he doesn’t care? Is he trying to hurt me?

Nicole

April 29, 2015 at 8:58 am

Should I unblock my ex during NC? I feel I’m pushing him away, its only been 3 days of NC. I blocked him so I wouldn’t call and so he wouldn’t either. Everytime I started NC, out of no where he’d call!

Now he’s displaying the rebound, get my attention symptoms but its getting worst everytime! I denied his request to see me(he called from a diff number Sunday trying to see me, I started NC over) or didn’t answer, every since I blocked him( he called twice private on the first day of NC). He hasn’t called since but continues to post every detail of his new relationship on IG, something he would never do.

Nicole

April 28, 2015 at 11:47 pm

Im on day two of NC. I sent him a text the day before I started NC writing, I wasn’t mad but had to block him to move on but would contact when I was over him romantically so we could be friends(like he’s suggested). He called the next morning twice, private ( he has to call private because I blocked him, I know it was him, no one else calls me private). I didn’t answer buttt he hasn’t called since!

Should I unblock him? I don’t want him to really give up or get the impression I don’t care. I blocked him because every time I started NC he would call and I would be weak and answer.

deanna

April 27, 2015 at 5:47 pm

Chris, if an ex-boyfriend doesn’t contact me (or any other woman) in that 30 days of NC, could it also be due to a reason other than being ‘extremely stubborn’; i.e., got a new girlfriend and/or has moved on? It does seem like that could be another reason, which makes me wonder if being the one to break contact would be a good idea, especially if I (or any other woman) is not ready to hear, ‘I’m seeing someone new.’

Confused

April 26, 2015 at 2:43 am

Is it normal for the woman to start feeling fearful after 4 days? My ex was used to me coming to him for everything and even in the highlight of our relationship he would often wait until 5-6pm and then text me asking if I was upset or okay or something if I didn’t message him first. We took a break about 2 months ago and about an hour after he left he text me and asked if I was okay, to which I said I was fine, and then the next day I went crawling back asking for a second chance. At first he said no but later that day he asked to talk and we got back together within a month.

So now it’s another month later, approx. 1 month since officially getting back together and he left me again 4 days ago. This time he left me saying he had too much going on, that he couldn’t handle how overbearing I was being (it’s true, I’d get upset if he went with his friends more than me and if he did stuff without me) and despite my efforts to get him to give me a chance he said that had given me a chance to give him space in the relationship and that we were going to have to take some time apart and cool off.

He immediately said that he’d like to see us work things out, that he still wanted us to talk and spend time with each other, and that he wanted for us to go on a date in a few weeks after we’d had some breathing space and try to rebuild our relationship from the ground up. We said I love you to each other as he left.

…And then nothing. I immediately started to look for ways to fix it. I love that man with all of my heart and soul and I realized what I was doing wrong, I just realized it too late. I am thankful that he didn’t say he never wanted to try again… but I’m definitely scared right now. Yes, yes I do understand that this is a quality I need to work on during this time because I probably shouldn’t be this upset this fast, but I am.

I initiated NC immediately following the break-up. We ended with the I love you’s, he left, and I haven’t said a single word to him since. I’ve been avoiding all of the places I know he may be, and have been doing my best not to peek at his social media stuff. However I really felt like he’d message me pretty soon after… I mean we were together for 3 years, and there literally has not been more than a 48 hour period in over 5 years that we haven’t spoken to each other. He also set his facebook status back to single a day and a half after we broke up, which he didn’t do when we were on the break last time.

I know we both learned a lesson about moving too fast and diving in last time, but I’m wondering what is more likely… that he was lying to me about wanting to give “us” another shot after a few weeks, that he really is just taking time and will contact me soon, or that he is expecting me to come crawling and begging like I have before and is put out that I haven’t?

I know it has only been 4 days, and in any case I’m overreacting, but I really expected some form of contact by now.

Jennifer Wells

April 23, 2015 at 7:51 pm

Hey there, my boyfriend of a year and four months broke up with me a little over three weeks ago. Everything was so great, he completely blindsided me. He came over, brought me dinner, watched tv then took a shower with me. Then he sat me down to tell me he couldn’t go on a trip to Europe with me over the summer because he doesn’t love me, he never loved me, he’s not falling in love with me and he would never marry me. The relationship did not support his words whatsoever. He then spent the night and held me and kissed me, telling me how beautiful I was. In the morning he began to make love to me and I stopped it because it was destroying me. He then got up to take a shower and get ready for work, when I wouldn’t kiss him goodbye, he sobbed all over me. He then left and texted me “I am so sorry” to which I did not reply. I’m not nearing the end of the no contact period and I haven’t heard a single word from him. I am so lost. What should I do?

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