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The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
How To Make Him Miss You After A Breakup
The Ungettable Girl
The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)
The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule
The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means
Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule
What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Blocks You
Signs My Ex Wants Me Back
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Why Avoidants Say Things That Don’t Make Sense
The Weird Things Avoidants Do When They Like You
What Happens To An Avoidant During No Contact?
How A Secure Handles An Avoidant Pulling Away
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ella
September 3, 2014 at 8:34 am
uhm can’t seem to find my comment, was it removed or something?
admin
September 3, 2014 at 3:44 pm
I don’t think so. Is it on the second page?
Claudine
September 2, 2014 at 11:53 pm
Hi Chris
Thank you so much for putting this site together. I learnt so much and it is great having a male perspective on things and hearing the cold hard truth which is often what is needed.
My ex who is 42 and I broke up just over two months ago. We had a good relationship and respected each other’s individuality and freedom. We are very much alike so knew how to communicate with and understand one another. Even when we disagreed we never raised our voices in anger but could discuss matters calmly. We connected very well on an emotional level and instinctively understood one another.I was never a clingy girlfriend as I felt secure enough about myself and I knew I could trust him
However he had, had bad experiences with women and had been hurt badly and I would sometimes feel like he was shutting me out or pushing me away. This always seemed to happen right after we had been extremly affectionate or when we were having a great time hanging out.I always felt like he was holding back on me and it hurt. I did not know how to handle it so I distanced myself from him emotionally as well. I thought maybe if I gave him space he would sort out whatever was bothering him. I did broach the matter with him once and it did not go well because he withdrew even more.
When we eventually broke up I was not surprised in fact I was considering breaking up with him as well. I felt he needed time to deal with things on his own and time away from me would help him put things into perspective. The reason I considered it was because I love him so much and only wanted the best for him even if that did not include me being part of his life. The break up went peacefully and we met a few days later to return each others belongings and chated. It was sad because we both cared for each other deeply but we felt at the time it was for the best. When he returned my things he had forgotten to return a very important item which he said he would make sure I received as soon as possible as he was moving.He has yet to do so
Directly after that meeting I went into NC for just over 30 days. The urge in the beginning to text was huge and I missed him but NC was not that bad for me because I knew why we had broken up and had made peace with it because I wanted what was best for us both but especially for him. After NC I texted him like you recommended and used your text guide and we started chatting. It went very well. He was speaking to me as if we had never broken up and on our last chat he was calling me “sweetie pie” and “sweetheart” which surprised me. The funny thing is that when I messaged him a week later he was cool and reserved towards me which left me confused. The other day I sent him a text to ask for the return of the item he had which belonged to me as I really needed it and he just did not respond.
Please help me understand what is going on here. I love him and I miss him and all of this is very confusing to me
Claudne
Claudine
September 3, 2014 at 6:20 pm
No I have never heard him use that term with anyone else
Claudine
September 3, 2014 at 6:30 pm
I forgot to mention he called me ” sweetie pie” almost exclusively when we were dating
admin
September 4, 2014 at 12:02 pm
Then I would say that is a good sign!
Claudine
September 5, 2014 at 7:59 pm
I am just confused about why he is hot one day and cool the next. I dont know what to make of it
admin
September 3, 2014 at 3:37 pm
Does he usually say sweetie or sweetheart often to people hes not dating?
Briana
September 2, 2014 at 8:50 pm
My boyfriend and I were together for nearly four years. He broke up with me Saturday and our four year anniversary is this Friday. He was upset for several reasons. I became really obsessed with a specific hobby where I talked about it all the time so it got annoying. We practically lived together and had spent every waking moment together. Also, he admitted that I would try to lose weight and just gain it back when I got comfortable with him and that within the last few months he began to lose attraction for me and was uncertain if it would come back.
More importantly he expressed that he was unhappy and didn’t feel like he treated me right the last few months of our relationship. That deep within himself he is unhappy of where his life is going and needs the time and space to recollect himself. He didn’t want a break because he doesn’t know when this void will go away or what would become of us. Yet, he admitted he still sees a future with me and if we truly are meant to be, our paths will cross but he needs his time to work on himself.
Our friends express the same thing. They were shocked because they knew we had some problems he feared expressing with me but that he truly wanted to be with me and make it work. One friend said he truly talked about being with me forever.
He told me last Tuesday what was bothering him and we continued to talk. He prolonged it because he wanted to see us work but he couldn’t get out of his mindset. He admitted to our friends that he truly still sees a future or the possibility of marrying me. One friend says he hopes for that, but where he is in his life is complicated. He doesn’t plan to date right now because he wants to fix himself. When he broke up with me. . I cried in his arms for hours. It was difficult not to.
I then began crying and packing my stuff. He stopped me and told me he was uncertain if he was making the right decision by leaving me. . but he needs a few days to clear his head but that he will make no promises. After that he told me to lay down and he gathered all my necessities. But. . He took our relationship off his facebook yesterday. . So i felt like he made his decision by doing that.
I haven’t texted him, although before he walked away he said I could. He said he wants to keep me in his life.
I see a lot of faults in myself that could have truly added to this break up. He is surrounded by difficulties in school and his dad who brings him down all the time. We haven’t truly had a chance to be alone because his brother is now around the house too and always opens the door without knocking and bugs him. But his mother and sister who doesn’t live with are good people, sweet and are very friendly with me. His mom would always hug me and say that she loves me.
I am upset because we didn’t fight, but we did lack communication. However, we love one another and have a lot of qualities of one another we share and enjoy. Not too long ago he said I was the best thing to ever happen to him. And yet. . he let me go.
Next month is his birthday too. . . And our friend is having a wedding at the end of October. He is one of the groomsmen. And of course I will be there.
So I don’t know what to do. My heart is truly broken and although I’m planning all these new things for myself and truly wanting to conquer my goal and lose weight, I keep thinking of him and hoping to see us together. . . It’s hard not to text him, but I didn’t after he broke up with me. I texted our friends and maybe even friends that might be more of his friends now. . But today, I’m doing my best not to text anyone. . . I just need friends and for some reason this week is the week all my friends are super busy or out of town.
My heart is broken and I really want this to work. . I just fear that no contact will make him distant with me.
admin
September 3, 2014 at 2:41 pm
NC is PERFECT for you situation.
Ella
September 2, 2014 at 1:34 pm
hiiii i need your help! been reading your articles but i kinda broke one rule that you’ve been stressing about, the no contact rule. let me start, I’ve been dating this guy for six months but when i got into college, our relationship got a little rocky. we didnt have time for each other anymore, we rarely see each other and so resulting to us breaking up. he said the spark was kinda off already. he texted me immediately after breaking up saying he was sorry and all and thank you for everything. the next day was my birthday so he greeted me twice and the next day we didnt contact each other anymore. the next day i texted him and we had a fight and he kept on texting me and i just shut him out and i didnt reply. then i gave him a letter and for a day or two there was no response from him. so i started thinking. i secretly opened his account and found out his flirting with a girl. i dont know if he was flirting with her but it kinda looked like it. so i confronted him and he was super pissed, i just got mad because it was only a week after the break up and he was already like that. we fought and so we end up hating each other and i threw all his gifts away and deleted all of of our pictures. i was that mad at him. then i stopped contacting him or whatsoever. after a week ( think), we saw each other for three consecutive days. and it was a little awkward we didn’t talk to each other at all. it was back to strangers all over again. my friend said he was staring at me but i never dared to look at him. for three consecutive days we saw each other after the third day, i contacted him, i said sorry because i dont wanna have hard feelings and i wanna take this heavy feeling out of my chest. it only took him a second to reply and he too also said sorry. so i kinda asked him, i guess you have moved on already? and he answered me, “to be honest, not yet. i just know how to act like i have already. seeing you hurts.” and i told him that i felt the same way. then we said goodbye, and our last conversation was, “see you around” so uhm help me please? i can’t understand already! i don’t know what to do.
admin
September 3, 2014 at 2:24 pm
Define flirting for me?
What did you see?
ella
September 3, 2014 at 2:31 pm
like he called her fat cheeked lady, he used to call me that too! oh and when we saw each other, his friends tried talking about me and he said, “can we just not talk about her?” what does that meeeeeeeeeeeean 🙁
admin
September 4, 2014 at 11:52 am
Fat cheeked lady?
Hahaha is that supposed to be a compliment?
ella
September 4, 2014 at 12:42 pm
AHAHAHHA YES! it’s sounds weird but yessss hahahah :))
admin
September 5, 2014 at 11:53 am
Well, then if its a compliment then I guess its good haha!
Rose
September 2, 2014 at 12:59 pm
So my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me a week and a half ago. We were living together and he told me he doesn’t love me anymore and it’s nothing to do with me. We have an expensive holiday booked for next week and we have both agreed to go as long as I have no hope that we are getting back together. I think I will go. If he still doesn’t want to be with me after I’m going to follow your plan because he is my best friend and the best person to me because of who he is. The break up was totally unexpected and most of my friends have been through the same thing where they thought they didn’t love their partner broke it off in a rush and realised that they actually do. I would like some advise so I know what his thoughts are. Thank you
admin
September 3, 2014 at 2:23 pm
I think you are spot on with this. Go and then after that if things aren’t repaired put this method in place.
C. Moon
September 2, 2014 at 2:30 am
My ex didn’t call me, didn’t text me, the only way he did was if I didn’t text him for 3-4 days. Then he was all “just checking in”. When I went over to his place it was for 2-3 days at a time and he came over maybe once a week if it fit into his schedule. The reason I stayed over more was because there was actual talking and conversation involved. If not I’d got nothing. At the beginning of the summer I asked for a 50/50 I see you, you see me and he told me that once I said that, it felt more like a chore than a desire to come see me. All I wanted was to see him. There was this time at the beginning of the summer where we didn’t see each other for 2 2/12 weeks so of course I’d address the issue. Then he went on about how he couldn’t see me every day god damn it I didn’t want to see him every day I just wanted like “hey good morning ” or “thinking of you” or just a plain “how have you been” I never got it. He didn’t take effort in things I enjoy. I am not very keen on baseball, though I learned a lot and started to appreciate a bit… I went to the majority of his games, but I did get annoyed with him once and told him I hated he game, bad move on my part I guess. I wanted to watch a movie with him a couple of weeks ago, a sci-fi movie and he left to go read his baseball book. Well that made me feel great I respect his sister a lot she organized a going away concert in which she performed in every number along with her family and friends. I wasn’t invited to perform and it hurt pretty bad going to a concert where you have the impression that you’re not good enough. I felt I wasn’t good enough on multiple occasions, maybe that is why I tried so hard. People after asked me “Why didn’t you sing? Are you still going out with him?” And after I was invited to a BBQ that was really hard to attend because of how I felt but I kept my attitude in check. His family thought it was absolutely ridiculous that I was hurt about this situation. His sister had another going away party this time American themed. I was invited of course by her. But with all the crap going on between my ex and I asked him if he wanted me there. He said I don’t know. So I asked him again later, same answer. After a couple of tries he said “if you can forget all of our problems for a night you can come” and I was all ‘I can do that” and then he said “but you can’t be sour in anyway. I’d there is a game you don’t like pretend to like it, if someone says something that offends you don’t react, if someone insults you as a joke, brush it off” I mean I can keep myself in check if I am hurt or if something bothers me… but if someone insults me I have to take it like an idiot and not defend myself? You don’t say that to a person, you don’t invite them into your home on condition. I would not have even done that to someone I hate. I asked for something in return if I was to obey his conditions at the party. I asked him at the end of the night, that he would follow me to bed. He then went into a “what does it matter if you go to bed and then I go 30-45 mins later?” I said it was important to me but it didn’t really matter. So when I called him he gave me silence than an unenthusiastic “yes” like I was ruining his fun. You know me, I mean I don’t go to bed early. And he said why does there need to be a time, (I gave an example of 11;30-midnight) I said it was just an example, there wasn’t a time. I just needed to know that he would follow me… that was the other reason i didn’t go. He didn’t want to follow me. Anyway I took that as a real sign that he didn’t want me there. That wasn’t a yes. I told him to make his life easier I wouldn’t go. Then all communication has been cold from his side. His family thought that request was utterly ridiculous. But I was getting nothing, no time I wanted just a little time. Then he said that everything isn’t always about me I god damn know that. But I put him first. Before me, there was music, baseball, the sister he adores, family, his mother’s orders, umpiring, job, then me. I told him that I didn’t feel like a priority several times and he didn’t do anything. One of my by friends said it appears that he thinks I become sour around him, but if he would have worked a bit. other say because his is his first relationship he doesn’t know how to be in one, others say I deserve better and they don’t know why I put up with it
I never really had he concept of family. So when I told that to him and he welcomed me I to his. He told me is mom said whoever he loves they will love, consider my sisters yours. I became attached. And for all this to be cut from my life along with the one I love is something terribly hard. Why must a relationship be on his time alone? I mean all I wanted was something in return on my time. The only time that was worthy enough was at his house and an activity with his family. Like his schedule this semester he has two early mornings and I was all “I get to see him and do stuff with him on my time because he’ll get more time to sleep. He said I am trying to find out which night is more worth it. I wasn’t worth it? I posted things on Facebook the last 2 weeks because it is helping me cope. According to him his mother almost contacted me to stop. She said they were out of line. I have asked other people what they think of the posts and they say they are necessary and inspirational. Anyway I actually apologized to his mom. I said I that I was sorry if j did anything she considered irrational, that I really loved her so and this is extremely hard for me. I was ignored. She saw it and answered it is really hard on him to but he has to make his own choices in life and that I was lovely and that she wished me well. What did I do wrong to not even be addressed? In some way I feel used. I don’t understand. Why do you leave if you still love the person? Did I ask for too much? But how can I follow something that isn’t equal? I sort of wised he lied, because I have hope because of that. I felt great, real love when I held him or he held me, but I didn’t know how to feel that way all the time. I used to feel that way all the time. He used to be there. Everything changed after Christmas when I over stayed my welcome at his house and he payed more attention to be than his family. His mom talked to him and said family is important and I slowly wasn’t a priority anymore and by summer.
His mom didn’t answer me until after 4/5 days after I apologized her He denies anything concerning his family. He is blind to the real situation I have tried to tell him. My teacher says he will never have a successful relationship until he realizes. His 2nd eldest sister isn’t in music but in travel. She actually has a 50/50 relationship going on and it drives because she misses some “crucial” family time to be with her boyfriend and my ex and his mom nuts. His mom said it was like they were living on their own while her house became lodging. She is your daughter for god sake let her grow up, it didn’t really bother his eldest sister that just left for Indiana, which left him heartbroken because they are really close, or their dad. He obeys his mom like a puppy. He was on the path of growth until his mother stunted it during Christmas break. This doesn’t help that he is 5 years younger than me.
There is girl that they took under their wing since she was 5, she finally moved in when she turned 18. I never really trusted her because my ex and she get along so well. He considers her as his sister but I just have this funky feeling that they will end up together. Sounds harsh but his mom would like that; it wouldn’t bring toxic into their little club. I told him I was uncomfortable with her and he just didn’t understand how I didn’t see her as his sister. This all comes from his mom though. Like my ex doesn’t do so well in his general education classes but is phenomenal in music. The expectation to “do your best” more like be perfect is crazy especially in music. I caught him crying once because he got a 97 on a theory final and he was disappointed and said he could do better? And now since his eldest sister is in Indiana for her masters, my ex has been promoted to everything she did. Teaching music theory at a music school on Saturdays, all her piano students and the biggest thing that I think he might fail at because he is not his sister, musical director of her choir. He has no experience in choir direction at all and it was placed upon him. He hasn’t seen any of his friends from school all summer and I mean I saw his eldest sister go out for lunch go out with friends and be back in time for dinner or not too late And well his second eldest sister pretty much has a 50/50 committed relationship going on like I said so she sees her friends a couple of times and is mostly with her boyfriend and since this girl moved in they complain that they see less of her now than then she lived with her mom and came over to visit. She is always out with her friends or work.
I went to so many places for answers and I didn’t get any just lots of advice. I did the no contact rule until school started again. that was for about 2 1/2 weeks. I gave him a coffee as a peace offering on the second day of school and said I wanted a form a closure. So… after all that he gave me 3 weeks of anxiety and false hope. I thought he still had feelings so Friday I did this. I wanted to talk to him and he knew it so I tried to catch him off guard. It didn’t work. I was trying to make him want me again and it didn’t work. I said I wanted to talk and go out for coffee. But instead I took him to all the places where we had our best times and I tried to make him see what we had. I tried to make it fun. He was unimpressed and unresponsive. By our last stop, our bench at the theatre where he officially asked me out. I was discouraged by this point and my cute plan of drawing a circle on a piece of paper saying we have come full circle didn’t happen and I told him I was going to do that, but by his reactions he would probably find it useless instead of romantic. I pulled out a note he wrote to me last Christmas. It said that he didn’t know how someone as talented and beautiful as me actually wanted to date him, how he was in disbelief and overjoyed. How I was his lover and best friend and how much he loved me. He looked at me and said that he didn’t feel that way anymore, that he didn’t regret his decision, he is happier than he has ever been and that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. I asked him when he fell out of love and he said he didn’t know. He said the day he broke up with me, he went to bed feeling relived that I wasn’t in his life like that anymore. Yet he still said he loved me when we broke up to which he said there is a difference between being in love and loving someone. He lead me on, giving me false hope that he still loved me and that circumstance just didn’t allow. I explained the stages of relationship and he just sat there saying that he predicted everything I was going to say and yet he still let me think that entire journey through the city that there was maybe something there. He told me he went along with it because he wanted to believe I wasn’t lying to him, that I really wanted closure and not to get back together. he knew I still loved him.
When he left me and I had some answers, I went into a panic attack. I couldn’t believe he had fallen out of love with me. I sent texts of really raw emotion. I regret sending them, I feel that blew my chance. He sees me as dependent. “I might go off the grid. I haven’t felt this much pain in a long time. I fear I might fail this semester if I continue school. I am very close to dropping it, I have thought about this for about a week. This is just too much for me. You might not see me. I wish you nothing but the best because above anyone else you deserve it, I love you goodbye. Just be grateful for your family, because I considered them mine and I lost them. You never know when you might”
His family thinks that I am immature, that I didn’t act my age around him. But there was no maturity to bounce off of. I didn’t really use my head and went with my heart the entire time because well I fell deep and it was deeper than I ever fell before. So I guess that could be what they saw. I mean everyone knew we were dating, so we acted like a couple, you know holding hands, snuggling on the couch, him putting his arm over me during desert when we had supper. But his family said it was too much affection in ‘public’ … erm, you mean private? It was his house for god sake… it wasn’t like we were making out 24/7. When his mother talked to him at Christmas about how we should act more the friends around people it took a good month and a half for him to even put his hand on my knee in front of his parents like a supper or something. Is that too much affection?
And well I lost myself completely with this guy. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I wasn’t the same me. I even went to therapy for him. He is fabulous musician. I was trying to see myself worthy for him and not comparing myself to him all the time. People seemed to think it was because I wanted to be better than him or everyone, but I started to doubt myself and anytime he would do better, my self-worth for just went down. I was proud of him, I just didn’t show it or just got mad and it came off badly.
He never made me feel sexy and I always wondered why. I lost my confidence and fun side. I wasn’t spontaneous anymore because he wanted everything planned. He blamed me for asking too much of him when I gave my everything. He couldn’t even call, he couldn’t even come over, and he was too busy. It’s like I was trying to fit their mold. But I didn’t succeed and they shut me out He is influenced heavily by his mother and she said, “She’s lovely, but she isn’t the girl for you” Everyone I have asked for advice says “Maybe he isn’t right for you” but not a direct statement, they leave me to choose. he didn’t talk to me for a week before he broke up with me, I tried and I got very, very small talk and his answer was always, ” I need time” My good friend, my voice teacher, knows the family and says they are toxic, not the one’s who come in from outside. They just don’t see that. And that family holds my voice teacher in high regards.
Last night I spoke to him on how to actually break up with someone clearly. That I don’t want anyone else to go through what he made me go through. It was my 6th relationship and it was his first so I consider it normal I suppose.
And still, after all of this, I want him back. Are my chances gone?
admin
September 2, 2014 at 2:28 pm
I am not here to judge you on if you want him back or not. But I will say this. To me it seems like when you were with him he made you a worse version of yourself and not a better one…
C. Moon
September 2, 2014 at 6:08 pm
But I feel that I made so many mistakes. If I hadn’t it have been so much better. 🙁 You think it’s a bad idea don’t you.
admin
September 3, 2014 at 2:38 pm
I do.
C. Moon
September 3, 2014 at 8:09 pm
Am I the first one to whom you said no to help? I really think it is his mom that’s the problem and well he’s 18 :/. I felt that I learned about relationships after the break up, I really didn’t know what I was doing because I never thought with my head, I just did whatever my heart said to do. So of course I lost myself. I truly believe that with my new knowledge it would be different. What if I wait and he also become more mature? Why can this work?
C. Moon
September 3, 2014 at 9:23 pm
I said too much didn’t I? You don’t want to help me. I come off angry in the post. I’m still irrational with raw emotion aren’t I?
Brian
September 15, 2014 at 10:45 pm
Hey C.Moon. I was just reading over posts and yours is the one I had to reply to. I don’t even know you but trust me you can do so much better than this immature mama’s boy. You are young and there are so many other guys out there who will treat you like a real woman and like you deserve to be treated. I know its hard but only time will heal you. Be with someone who appreciates and accepts you for who you are. You shouldn’t have to change who you are for anybody. Things will be better off without this crazy family in your life. Believe me.
admin
September 4, 2014 at 12:14 pm
No thats not it at all I am just extremely busy so sometimes I don’t get to answer everyone I want to. I am sorry that is my fualt.
C. Moon
September 2, 2014 at 2:44 am
The beginning paragraph explains a month before the break up… ahhh I can’t even get my thoughts straight 🙁
C. Moon
September 2, 2014 at 2:34 am
Well I haven’t felt sexy since April/May of this year… to be honest. We started dating October 2013.
Ellie
September 1, 2014 at 9:29 pm
I have a massive thank you to make. I know you probably won’t remember, but I wrote on here almost a year ago about H and M, the two guys in my life.
And yesterday, I fixed it. H (my guy), came back to me (M is long gone, the cheating, rapist bastard). He said that he missed me and he wanted to be friends again, but that all the old feelings were still there and that he still loved me. We’re taking it slow, testing the waters; a lot of awful stuff passed between us and he’s a little nervous of it happening again. As are all of our friends because they don’t get the intense connection we have! We’re both nervous, but I definitely have my friend back and for that I thank you so, so much. I don’t know if I couldn’t have done it without studying the relevant pages of your blog!
I put him in no contact (because it was really him to start it, I felt he had to end it), and after months of not speaking at college but seeing each other at friend’s parties and at work, we started talking again.
Eventually, after seeing how I’d changed into a decent human being, he accepted his feelings of wanting me back and here we are!
I think I even managed to become a UG from the amount of male friend who suddenly found me attractive…
Thank you so, so much! I am definitely recommending your blog and techniques to any of my friends in need!!
admin
September 2, 2014 at 1:46 pm
Wow, you are so welcome. So happy to hear this!!
Made my day.
Anna
September 1, 2014 at 7:25 pm
My breakup is only a week old and me and him have been talking everyday since then, even saw each other twice. (Since we broke up, he still would hold my hand, kiss my forehead and even kissed my lips goodbye, which confuses me deeply)
Is it too late to start the no contact rule? (We broke up due to the fact he wasn’t “happy” in the relationship, we dated for nine months, I assume he was getting bored or something)
admin
September 2, 2014 at 1:32 pm
Not to late at all.
Christine
August 31, 2014 at 11:18 pm
Hello Chris… Im Christine, from Sweden and – you are my last hope, nobody seems to get what im dealing with so, please..
A year ago, I met my true love, click, bang, boom and we were insanely in love. I’m 25, he likewise.
But .. early in the relationship, I showed destructive behavior in the form of jealousy, telling little lies and all that you get in a package of being a person with low self-esteem. We fought atleast once a week, for a year. But.. aside from that we had a beautiful chemistry and relationship over all. My best friend and love.
But – a month ago, the final bomb came, he said – seek help otherwise we are completely over. I said – Ok, I will look for help. The bomb struck down not only in our relationship, but for me, as an awakening to, damn .. I have to deal with myself.
So, I looked for private help and found a really good therapist and only got to see the therapist one time before my boyfriend left me, he slammed on the brakes, said that “this is the end, for good, but I love you, you are my true love, I’m crazy in love .. but you make me sick and anxious and I promise that I will never have a relationship with you ever again. ”
The next two weeks we saw each other sporadically, camped out in the woods, ate dinner, had cozy evenings at home, playing video games ..then he went silent for a week. I broke the silence and called him, we met up last weekend when I called him and wanted to talk.
Talk about? Yes, I simply wanted to apologize for my behavior, how all my inner anger passed over him, how I behaved downright wrong. We met and communicated as never ever. In five hours, we were at his place and listened, understand, spoke, respected. Absolutely fantastic. Which ended with awesome sex .. uf.
The following day we woke up, lying in bed and talking good again .. then I mentioned our relationship and he ”woke up from of a bubble,” and told me that he will never have a relationship with me again. My therapist calls on the cell phone, I answer and we booked the new session. When I hung up my ex says he wants to follow me to the next session ….. but only as a friendly gesture (point out this hard!) (?)
My ex drove me home in his car, saying that “we need to stop being intimate now, we will never get back together” then he kisses me and drove away.
So om aug 14th, he accompanied to my therapist, gave his opinion of me, and how we had it in the relationship – which is good for my work and my therapist to understand me more. In the middle .. he started crying .. never seen this. He cried when he talked about his feelings for me.
But he certainly claimed 5 times during the session that “we will never have a relationship again, She will not hear from me again .. but I love her, is just here as a friend now,” he confidently said like that 100 times over the last month now.. who is he trying to convince, anyway? He said he could go on MAXIMUM three sessions more with me then I get to go on my own. My therapist says “we do not need more, thanks.”
So when we were done with the session my ex turns to me and says ”I would be happy to hear from you…” and walked away …….
Whats going on?
I love the man with all my heart, but I’m not ready for a relationship with him now, even if he wanted, but when I am .. do you think he can change his mind? He is not responsive to feelings now.
I have made tremendous progress in a short time with my therapy, my self esteem comes on and I’ve never felt like this strongly positive before. I’m on my way to something really good!
Ps. Haven’t heard from him since that last day and I haven’t made any form of contact..
Love,
Christine
admin
September 2, 2014 at 12:29 pm
Did he give any more reason for the breakup than what you mentioned here?
Christine
September 13, 2014 at 2:00 pm
Thought maybe I should wait for him to contact me first so I dont scare him of or push him away even if its just a friendly message from me with a touch of good memroies in it —
Christine
September 14, 2014 at 10:23 pm
NM.. I sent a “good reminder text” today and got a pos answer, so now Ill wait two days and gonna send another one almost like it before i continue to “I have a confession..” Hope this gonna work out. Have been reading your book like 5 times just tonight to be prepared so, wish me luck. Haha! 😀
Christine
September 13, 2014 at 12:39 pm
its been 32 days now with NC.. as I read in your book, shall I now take the first step with an sms or do you think he needs more time? May I should let him take the first step?
Need help now.. :/
Christine
September 3, 2014 at 7:52 pm
He really only said that the relationship made him feel very bad and anxious because out of all the fights and my jealousy. He also said that the only thing he asked of me is that I should not to try break his core values, like getting to sleep at night for example. I used to keep him awake when I was angry..
But he never mentioned that it would be because he lost feelings, quite the contrary, that they would be stronger than ever.
I think hes really stubborn, havent heard from him in 3 weeks no during NC. I dont understand, he doesnt want a relationship with me but last time we met he said “Id like to hear from you” wtf :O
I bought your book to, but still feels like a mess about what to do.
BUT the good thing is im feeling okay, and my sessions going great! 🙂 Sad he cant see that though.
Caroline
August 29, 2014 at 3:19 pm
Hi! I continually read everything and your site is definitely the best! My ex BF & I dated on and off for 2 years. It was a whirlwind and in retrospect we probably moved too fast. We had both come from serious long-term relationships that lacked passion. We had a ton of passion and things in common, and overall had a very loving relationship. He broke-up with me 6-7 weeks ago. In the past we would end up back together in a few days, maybe even hours. This time, he had a new GF 2-3 weeks after we broke-up. I know it is a rebound but it doesn’t make me feel any better. She is new to town so they spend all their time together which was his #1 complaint with our relationship. I was always busy so we only saw each other a couple times a week. When we first broke-up I did the worst things; I texted, emailed, called, online stalked him and his new GF. I would profess my love then tell him I hate him! For a while he would respond half the time saying; “we both need space”, “you will find happiness. You are a great person”, regarding our possible future “I do love…This is still fading, I do care, and you know I hate saying never what if I wondered what you are up to?”. I told him that is insulting to me and his new GF. I finally gained some control of myself and stopped talking to him. Then 2 weeks of NC, he messaged me in an online game forum we both play. We messaged only in the game about the game, I’d even wait 12-24 hrs to respond. Then randomly he messaged about a song that they played at a concert he just went to, that I used to like. I didn’t respond. Then 4 days later he messaged about how he had to get a new phone battery. I wasn’t going to respond but then just said “ok…” to that he responded “yup sorry, didn’t need to tell you that i guess” and “yea, maybe a lil weird lol. I’ll stop”. I texted him asking if I needed a new battery. I wanted to get us back to texting instead of using the game forum to communicate…which I’m assuming he used because it’s safer? I do still love him a ton and am scared that he will actually stop and not tell me anything anymore…now what? Do I go to NC? Do I need to stop playing the online game? I’m confused as to why he would send me those irrelevant & useless messages? As for myself since the break-up; I work out every day, I’m doing well financially, I’m going to church and started volunteering again but I still feel so empty inside and I still want him back! Thank you for listening and any guidance…
admin
September 2, 2014 at 12:06 pm
What did he cite as the reason for his breakup?
Caroline
August 29, 2014 at 3:30 pm
I forgot to mention that his new GF is VERY similar to me; physically, career, and family…
Rizza
August 29, 2014 at 2:36 pm
Hi…im so glad that i found this since i am so much broken right now..my fiance and i broke up a couple of days ago with a reason that it wasnt me but him..that he do not know what to do..that he likes me and love me but there is something missing and he dont know why that he need space for himself..what hurts most is that we used to be super happy and sweet before that day we just had small argumentation jealousy on both sides early that day and with just that reason he broke up with me…i am still here in his house but im planning to move to my friend soon as she arrives from her vacation. I love this guy so much and i dont want to loose him..i want him back…i really love him….what is the best thing for me to do???i hope you can help me..waiting for your reply.God bless always
admin
September 2, 2014 at 12:01 pm
Best thing to do is follow the directions scattered throughout this site and on this page.
Elena
August 27, 2014 at 3:41 am
Hello my name is Elena, I broke up with my ex over two years ago. I still love him very much. He is currently dating someone of over a year now. I want to implement this guide in order to see if I can get him back. He is the love of my life. We had a great relationship, yet we broke up for some reasons, however we had a very bad break up he was my first bf. I made many mistakes and made more when I found out he had a gf. I was devastated and didn’t know how to react when I found out. Would anyone other than Chris be able to help me with this? I’d appreciate it so much! THank you!
admin
August 28, 2014 at 12:29 pm
You dont want my help 🙁
Anna
August 26, 2014 at 11:51 pm
Hi. Where do I start my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me. He said you know “its not you its me” phase he said he still want to be friends and talk to me but he seems like he doesn’t give a damn about me. This bits a bit personal but oh well I told him I haven’t had my period this month and his reply was “your not pregnant.so stop pushing it” so I just left it cause I didn’t really know what to say to it. I still love him to bits he said he needs time to think about us but he keeps telling me to go out and look for Another boyfriend. And the truth is I love him to bits he was always there for me and he said he would always be there now I feel like he doesn’t give a flying monkey about me. I stupidly told him how much I love him and he told me he need time by himself for a while.what should I do xx
admin
August 28, 2014 at 12:20 pm
Have you entered into NC yet?
MaraS
August 26, 2014 at 3:22 pm
Hey Chris,
I’ve read most of your website and I’m having trouble with one major thing. My ex and I were off and on all through college. There were really bad aspects of our relationship and really good aspects. He would break it off and come back every time (we broke up about 3x total) and I’ve always waited at least a month before contacting after a break up… if at all. He ended it when we graduated 2 months ago, but we’ve ended up in the same city (for school and work respectively).
My questions are, what is you opinion on on and off ex’s (do they follow the same rules/are they as likely to come back)? Also, if I were to try to get him back (I want to but I want to make sure I can let any resentment go) what timeline would you suggest?
Thanks for all your advice,
Mara
p.s. he texted me exactly 30 days after NC saying “hope you’re well” and referencing a movie we watched. I texted him a week later and got a so-so response. It’s been a month since then
admin
August 28, 2014 at 11:52 am
I think on and off is never a good thing because it means someone is willing to use “breaking up” as a way to get what they want and I also think feelings get ruined a little bit if it happens to often. (Your feelings.)
MaraS
August 28, 2014 at 3:07 pm
Thanks Chris and yeah, I’ve never really understood the underlying reasons for the break ups (never because of a fight) so I think it’s hard to let it go because I believe we can work (and know but don’t really understand why he doesn’t think we can).
Also I know you said never delete your ex of facebook but if I decide to follow the “get over him” path does it matter as much (would it be super immature of me too delete him)? I’m not someone who believes in being friends with your ex until you have had ample (many months/years) time to get over each other so I wouldn’t be looking to stay in contact via social media/at all.
Basically, what’s your opinion on girls who delete their exes off of social media pages when trying to get over them?
Thanks again for all your advice! It’s cool to get a guys perspective on this stuff/a perspective that doesn’t immediately say “Forget about him, boys suck!”
admin
August 29, 2014 at 11:52 am
No if you decide to get over him I would say you can delete him on Facebook.
Lisa
August 26, 2014 at 2:39 pm
Hi I was with my partner for 4 years and lived together for the last 2. We both came to the agreement that he would move out for lots of reason but basically we wasn’t having any fun no more. We stayed in contact for the first month then completely broke up. Since then he has come and stayed the night twice but the last time we both really missed each other and told each other that we was still in love. However after he left and within a couple of days I started to feel things weren’t right so I honey trapped him on a dating web site that I knew he was on and of course he responded and gave out his number. I told him that I had done this and ended it. I deeply miss him so much and want him back but he’s blocked me on the phone. Altogether he has been moved out for 3 months now but the last contact of this honey trap was 11 days ago. Today I’ve found out that he is seeing someone else and I’m so distraught over this. Do you think this plan will work for me?
admin
August 28, 2014 at 11:48 am
Well, were you two ever offically back together?
Maria
August 25, 2014 at 6:25 pm
First of all, thank you very much for your time and your advices. My story is long, but it is summarized in 3 years of a wonderful relationship even with their ups and downs. I think that the things that deteriorated our relationship was the distance since I was studying away from home and also the routine in which we got caught . Five months ago I decided to break up with my ex. I made the decision because he did something that was very disrespect to another lady, his classmate and I was very ashamed and surprise of how immature he was behaving at that time. Even thou I was frustrated and disappointed I was positive that we were perfect for each other and that we were going to be able to overcome everything by having some time apart. Unfortunately in that moment I was again leaving the country to go to a review course for my boards and spent 2 months there. In all those months we kept separated without communication because during that time I thought we were having the time to think and reflect on us and then give us a new opportunity to begin a new and healthy relationship. About 6 weeks ago or so, I found out that he is in a relationship with a girl he met a year ago while doing his Masters. It has been extremely painful to find out that only a few days after our breakup he was already in a new relationship. Also I think that he was with her while having the relationship with me. He denies ir…off course! It is the hardest thing I’ve had to face in my entire life. In these weeks I’ve been trying to move on. I have to admit that I did the typical mistakes when dealing with a break up. I insulted him and it got ugly because he ended up blocking me from all the social media except instagram. For some reason he still wants to see my pictures. Then I sent an email apologizing and he answered me. He says that if he had known about my feelings sooner this would not be happening. So this is all my fault according to him. He says that he kept me in his mind, even his subconscious brings special memories and that I will always have a special place in his heart. All these words just confused me and destroy me at once. After I found out about his new relationship I did the 30 days no contact rule and after that I started to send him a few texts. I wrote 3 texts and he answer the third one. His response was neutral but positive. He even sent his greetings to my nephew who was very special to him. All this happened last week and I was very happy for his reply. But also that same week he makes public his relationship with her on facebook and he upload photos where he looks very happy. Now I don’t know what to do. He answer me but he seems to be happy. Should I continue texting or should I move on? Do you thing I have any chance? He has 5 months with her and Im afraid to do something that will hurt me even more. It has been so hard for me to move on because we had the most amazing three years together and still love him. We were engaged and also we were planing our future weeding and family. I don’t want to lose him but I feel I did. I want to know if his answer to my text means something or not…..I am so hurt and I want him in my life but I don’t want to keep hurting myself while he is happy with her. What should I do? Thanks for your help.
Rebecca
August 19, 2014 at 1:27 am
Hi there. I’m not sure if this has been answered but how long should one wait in between contact points (i.e. first contact, second contact and so forth)?
Thank you 🙂
admin
August 19, 2014 at 2:30 pm
Usually at the beginning 1-3 days but slowly but surely you want to get on a schedule where you are talking every day.
Lulu
August 18, 2014 at 10:13 pm
Hi, my boyfriend of one year just broke up with me. He says he is not ready for a relationship, yet he keeps telling me he is so in love with me. He texts me still but I still feel the distance… What should I do?
admin
August 19, 2014 at 2:29 pm
How does he say it when he says he loves you?
jem j
August 18, 2014 at 1:58 pm
hey, i just stumbled across this website and your advice looks great. you see i broke up with my boyfrend last year and he got together with another girl and hes still with her, but during that time he said to me we still have a chance in the future, he has gone on exchange over seas for a year and we havent talked about us for a while, i miss him all the time and it bugs me. im wondering if you think i should tell him i still miss him, or wait to see if they ever split up. i feel i cant move on until i know. thanks so much i hope u can help
jem 🙂
admin
August 19, 2014 at 2:00 pm
I wouldn’t tell him that. Don’t do anything to make him think he can get you at this point. Men want what they can’t have. Remember that.
jaylin
August 16, 2014 at 1:20 am
Please reply 🙁
admin
August 18, 2014 at 12:36 pm
Sure!
How can I help?