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The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
How To Make Him Miss You After A Breakup
The Ungettable Girl
The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)
The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule
The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
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Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule
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Holly
January 22, 2015 at 1:08 am
Hi Chris
Thanks for your website. I want to ask if you think any of these steps you give here are even worth me trying because I just don’t know how to for sure tell if this guy is 100% done with me and it would be a waste of my time when I could be moving on. I will try my best to give as brief a synopsis as possible. I know this sounds crazy but I only dated him for 3 weeks. It started out with sex just to be honest. I thought we were just going to be FWB. But then I started having strong feelings for him. I was sort of going a little crazy in my mind because I didn’t know how he felt about me. I finally asked him if I was just a piece of ass to him and his response was actually “if you were just a piece of ass to me I wouldn’t text you all day everyday.” SO I thought “great”. But I just kept wondering what type of a relationship we had. I wondered if he was seeing other people and if he was texting other girls, I questioned what he was doing when he didn’t text me for hours at a time, and I basically told him that I really liked him a lot, and **cringe** that I would do just about anything for him. One night he just seemed to be ignoring me and my texts and I texted him several times asking him what he was doing and why he wasn’t texting, etc. The next day he told me he needed to talk to me and told me that he couldn’t see me any more because I was “too intense” for him. He said the last several girls he dated walked all over him and he didn’t want to do it again. I asked him if he would give me another chance and he shook his head no. I said “is it because you don’t like me or because you think I am always going to act too intense?” his reply was “the second one” I tried to assure him I wouldn’t but to no avail. I text him a couple more times that night asking him to please come over and talk about it. He didn’t reply. That was a week and 1 day ago. I have not text him even once since then but about 5 days of no contact I did go up to the convenience store where he worked and talked to my other friend who was there working also. I said a few things to him but mostly talked to her and he did join in on the conversation at times. I did end up saying “you can text me if you want to”, which I only said because he told me the night he broke up with me that he still wanted to “be friends and text and hang out”. That was 3 days ago and he hasn’t texted. I have not texted him or gone back up to the store to talk to him. All my friends keep saying that he is finished with me but I keep thinking that if I can show him that I am not really that intense of a person he might give me another chance. I wish I had just come out in the very beginning and asked him what kind of relationship we had instead of pestering him with annoying texts. I would really appreciate your opinion. I am willing to do work to get him back if there is a chance but if not I need to just move on. I am pretty torn up over it and need to start now trying to get over it if that is what needs to be done. Thanks so much for any help you can give me!!!
admin
January 22, 2015 at 4:55 pm
I always recommend everyone pretty much starts out with the NC rule.Have you done that yet?
Holly
January 22, 2015 at 9:48 pm
As I said, I had no contact with him for 4 days then I saw him at his job and talked to a friend of mine that he works with. He also talked to me a little bit that day too. I don’t mind trying the NC rule if you think it is actually worth trying in my situation. If there is no hope at all then I want to try to start letting him go. By what I wrote in my previous post do you think there is any hope at all?
Thanks
Shian
January 21, 2015 at 8:17 pm
I will try to make this short. About 8 months into our relationship we had a big fight & I broke up with him over a blown up fight. Without realizing it I followed your NC rule after the 1st 2 days of the breakup. A little over 30 days later he calls me and says he wants to get back together. This also coincided with me going on vacation to Las Vegas. Not sure if he realized the timing but I hadn’t even been there 24 hrs yet. We get back together Than in mid November 2014 he breaks up with me. I couldn’t say it was for 1 reason but a combination of 3 of the main reasons. Not even knowing what the NC rule was until I found your site today we have been contacting each other via text, and seeing each other a few times in the last two months. I have even asked him to think seriously about getting back together. After New Years he comes back with NO but can we be FwB? I said that’s flattering in one way but so f***** up in another. He already knew I was going to say no. I like your idea of the old relationship being dead & starting a brand new one. I believe we are meant to be. Honest opinion is this messed up beyond repair?
admin
January 22, 2015 at 4:48 pm
Not beyond repair. A bit messed up but its salvagable.
Georgie
January 21, 2015 at 6:04 pm
My ex broke up with me a couple days ago. He has always wanted me to watch Seinfeld but I always said no. Would me watching the first couple seasons and then telling him how I feel about them be a good start? He broke up with me because he wasn’t as emotionally there as I was.
admin
January 22, 2015 at 4:43 pm
Seinfield is so good though!
It might be a good start but I would sent a text like that later in the process.
Jennifer
January 21, 2015 at 1:11 pm
My ex broke up with me 4 days ago, we had been together for 1year and a few months. He had kicked me out of his house a couple days ago and I figured he never wanted to see me again. After the first day I had called him his response”what do u want” ME:(I had left something at the house) he wanted to bring it over. So he did. I told him I wanted to talk to him about some things. Mostly wanted to talk about us. But I couldn’t pull myself to do it. I had been getting random text from some stranger,very explicit text and pictures of himself. Text that said how much this guy wanted to be with me. So I had asked my ex if he had gave my number out to someone. He said no and asked why. So I showed him all the text. He said just to block them. So after that I didn’t text him back. I woke up from a text from my ex. Now I have a son from a previous relationship and my son and ex do get along pretty well. So he was asking about how I’m going to get him to school for the rest of the school year. I had told him that I wasn’t entirely sure that maybe my brother would help me out that I just didn’t know. I said I have a friend up here and that “HE “may help me out. So the next text I had received was “just come back then when you can”. I didn’t text back. So he had called me. I can’t remember the conversation. But I packed my things and went back. I have been wanting to give him space as much as possible. So I have been sleeping in a seperate room than him for the past few days. I didn’t know why I was there or why he wanted me there. So later that day I asked him if he thought we were completely through,he said yes,I asked if he were sure,he said yes. I said ok I was just making sure. He asked me why I said it like that. I told him I’m just making sure we are completely over and I left the room. So 2 mins later he follows me and asks what my plans are. I told him I have plans to finish sschool,get a vehicle in a couple weeks,and have a job.which is all hard to do with a 7 year old and no sitter. And the conversation went on about his plans. Which failed to mention me in any if it. So he went back to a separate room to finish whatever he was doing. Later that night he was taking me to my class and was asking if I was talking to anyone. I asked what he meant,and he was like you know who are you talking to your mom your friends. I told him I was talking to family and friends but that I wasn’t trying to get with anyone. So the conversation headed back to the explicit pic dude. I told him that I found out who he was, and tht the guy was a friend of my brothers and he was trying to have him come over to hang with me. And my ex was asking if I had went anywhere with him. Or if I saw him. I told him I didn’t. So now he is Telling me tht I’m only here so he can help me back on my feet. I do not understand him at all. I dont know if he wants me back because of all the concern he had when I mentioned the guy or if he honestly just wants to help me. I would really need some good advice one this one. I’m so lost. I love him to death and Icant picture myself without him. If I live with him what can I do to get him back?
admin
January 21, 2015 at 3:30 pm
Have you attempted any of the advice on this page yet?
Jennifer
January 21, 2015 at 6:09 pm
I haven’t been able to try the 30 day no contact method. Only because my family lives out of town and my son goes to school. So it’s kind of difficult to manage. Since I do live with him I have tried to keep our conversations short and sweet. I’ve changed my wardrobe up a little bit as well. And even went as far as seeking proper ways to put on makeup. I have changed my appearance slightly. I’ve been walking and feeding his dog and taking care of the normal house chores. He had even asked me to cook him something last night..and of course because I care I did. And besides I was cooking for my son too. So I couldn’t say I wasn’t cooking anything. It was the nicest meal I had ever made him. But still I’m getting nothing in return..no thank you nothing. I’m at a loss.
Jennifer
January 21, 2015 at 10:12 pm
I should add tht it’s close to the end of the school year and I don’t want to put my son in another district. It will only hurt his chances of passing. Do you think a relationship is still possible even if you live with each other?
admin
January 22, 2015 at 4:49 pm
Yes, it’s a lot more challenging though.
Angela
January 15, 2015 at 10:05 pm
Hey chris
admin
January 19, 2015 at 3:44 pm
Hey Angela
Angela
January 15, 2015 at 10:10 pm
Hey Chris. My boyfriend of 2 and half years broke up with me yesterday because he felt like he couldnt handle a relationship and his studies at the same time. He is trying to become a doctor and he gave his first Mcat Tuesday, he didnt do too well and he thinks its because he cant focus when he has a relationship to handle too. We have been through this twice before.. Everytime he gets a bad grade in his college courses, he automatically wants to leave. Same happened yesterday. He cried a lot while saying he doesn’t want to commit to this right now, and the day he feels he really can, he will come back to me. I responded with “but I cant wait all my life for your feelings to change, I have to move on too.” And he said, “yes, don’t wait for me if you cant.. But I don’t want to mend this relationship right now. ” we both cried and I left. I truly loved him and he still loves me too, Chris. But he feels like he cant do relationship and focus on his career and trying to become a doctor at the same time. Im really not sure if No contact rule will work.. I have never tried this before except for the time that I broke up because he flirted with another girl.. I ignored him and he texted me a lot. But that was it. Before when he used to break up because of his studies, he would come back within 2 days or even the next day and I would message him saying, its fine.. We can make it work.. But now, I dont want to take any risks. I dont know what to do, Chris. Will no contact work or should I try to message him saying “we have ways.. We can make it work..” And if he still says no, THEN do the no contact? I feel like if I ignore him, he will think it is for the best and that I am happy and dont want him.
Lisa
January 13, 2015 at 3:35 am
Hi! My boyfriend just broke up with me 2 days ago. However, I left for vacation and everything seemed fine. However, on his birthday, I sent him a very cute message and I never received a response. I messaged him later and he was being very cold and distant so I thought he was upset about the grades he received. What was strange was that overtime I said I love you, he wouldn’t say it back to me. When I got back he told me he wanted to focus on himself and that things between us weren’t the same. He basically told me that his feelings for me weren’t as strong as they used to be. We’ve been broken up before; once because I broke up with him which was a huge mistake and the second time was that we both decided that we should try and see other people which only lasted for a month. I really miss him and feel like made a mistake. I told him that I hoped that he would regret this decision and he even said he probably would in the next few days. I would take him back in a heart beat. Please help me.
admin
January 19, 2015 at 3:38 pm
AFter a breakup I recommend a period of NC… you don’t seem like you have done that.
Lanna
January 13, 2015 at 1:30 am
Hi… I just broke up with my ex after 5 years serious relationship. And knowinfg each other for 8 years.
We have already planned our life together and about to get married in a week before our wedding. He said he is not ready to have me anymore because he is not happy with his life and didn’t achieve the goal on career bcoz he has put too much energy on our relationship to be together. We live in different country and he had to move to be with me and stuff. But this time i was about to move to be with him and get married. Even we both are not really ready. I still feel like we could work something out coz we are great together. Just have to make it more slow and i can wait. I was somehow hurry into this wedding too much.
He said don’t wait for him but if one day we both find peace, anything can happen or nothing can happen. And he really need space to achieve his goal by himself without me coz being bf means responsibility.
I was pretty needy and not really supportive during his hard month also.
I still wish i could fix this. As we have tried a lot already and i still want to try but he has lost his energy along the way.
It just happen 10 days ago. And i did No contact for only a few days.
We now live in different country. But we still have a lot of mutual friends.
Do you think no contact period is good for my case? Should it be even longer than a month? To let him have space he wants. I have a ticket to go to his country in April. Should i ask him out for coffee by then? Is it gonna be too soon.
P.s. He promise he won’t disappear from my life bcoz i am way too important for him. And he still feel for me. But he CANNOT be with me under this situation.
Please give me some advice
Thank you
Carol
January 22, 2015 at 4:26 pm
I started dating a man at the end of September who pursued me aggressively. After a couple weeks we were spending almost every day together because he was so aggressive about seeing me. He introduced me to all of his friends multiple times and planned super fun dates for is, took me out for an amazing birthday night. It was so much fun. We waited about 15 dates before we had sex and agreed before we had sex we wouldn’t be having sex with anyone else. I did notice he was still on his online dating profiles so I never took mine down either but it did irk me. After 2 months I brought up the talk because I was frustrated. I told him to think about it but he didn’t bring it back up again so I waited a week and told him I was going to take a step back. He insisted on seeing me in person and when I told him that he cried and said he didn’t want to lose me but couldn’t do a committed relationship right now. (He lived with his previous girlfriend, they broke up in February and he was obviously not over it) I told him not to talk to me for 2 weeks so I could get some clarity. I am not usually the type to become so attached or want to nail down a guy but this seemed different. I wanted him on such a basic level, just his company and his presence put me at ease. He texted me after one week, I did not respond. After the 2 weeks he asked if we could do dinner. I told him I’d think about it and the agreed. He asked if he could cook me dinner. Once I got there things were like old times with lots of laughs and affection. We talked and it was the same old that he couldn’t commit but wanted to see me so badly. He told me I was someone he could see himself marrying and I let him know how selfish it was to say that. I had too much to drink and slept with him and slept over. We texted a bit after that and then had a 2 hour phone conversation where he said he really was taking the steps to do what he needed to do. He has a couple health problems from football he is working on so he doesn’t have to get surgery. He then texted me after that a few times. I haven’t responded to his last three text messages since I just don’t get the point of talking to him if we aren’t together. I just miss him terribly and can honestly say that even ending my previous 5 year relationship didn’t feel this terrible and I miss him so much. How long should I go no contact before contacting him? Or is this a lost cause and I should never reach back out to him?
admin
January 19, 2015 at 3:37 pm
Wait, he broke up with you a week before your wedding date????
Lanna
January 19, 2015 at 5:17 pm
Yes…
He said he just realized he cannot take care of me and can’t handle the whoke long distance anymore. Its too much. He said he is not happy with himself right now. I think he is having problem with his job and his life right now.
admin
January 20, 2015 at 3:32 pm
Hmm… Well, to me it seems like he does have to work that out a bit but I never buy into that kind of stuff.
I mean, would he break up with megan fox if he had a rough time at work?
Something tells me he wouldnt.
Lanna
January 13, 2015 at 1:41 am
Becoz we are long distance. Is it gonna be even harder to get back? But we have lived together for almosrt 3 years. And we were apart only last year for 5 months… Maybe he has lost his love for me?
P.s. His friends told me he even bought the ring and really prepared for my move. But the wedding is somehow over cultural thing and for me to be able to move in with him legally.
When will u know you should start to contact again? Or should i let him be the one who contact me first?
Do u think in my case there’s still chance?
Ngahuia
January 8, 2015 at 7:57 pm
yeah, and I will do everything I can to get you back but right now no I dont to get back together.
I can’t stop thinking about him, I guess if he wasn’t happy then I should let him be happy on his own. But do you think if he feels this way about me that maybe he could find that spark with me again? Should I try get him back? Please help
admin
January 19, 2015 at 3:17 pm
If you really want him I say yes you should.
Ngahuia
January 8, 2015 at 7:55 pm
I’ve recently gone through a break up with my past boyfriend of 15months. We had been living together for the past 6 or 7 of those months. We are very alike in our hobbies and interest but are very different in our cultural traditions. We both have dreams of being the Army, he has just passed his basic training an I am starting mine mid this year.
I am still head over heels in love with this lad and can’t seem to get him out of my mind.
He had been away on has for 4 months from July to October during that time we saw each other 4 times 🙂 I continued to work both my job,s pay our bills our house and care for our dog. And I trained everyday to prepare for my basic training and at that time I was going to Japan for my karate which was supposed to be from December 26 to January 13. (I did not go) I supported him with all I had to give and distracted myself from missing him too much and turned that into care for him and support to get him through his ttraining. I am so proud of him and still love him for following his dreams and finally make it there.
Anyway, we broke up 4 days ago and it was a terrible break up for me. We had an argument the day before about communication, he would go out and stay out and wouldn’t give me a heads up of where he is. Sometimes he would leave and wouldn’t come home until that night. I would try to avoid arguments and ask him if he’d give me a heads up about where he is maybe a text message letting me know what time he’d be home and such. He would say ya but do the same thing. He would also get angry at me a lot over nothing just for doing something the way I’d do it but he’d disagree and get angry. After our argument I was upset but wanted to be around my family so I went to my parents house and he went to the beach with his family. I came home that night everything was a little awkward with him but I was happy to have had time to myself and I think he was happy to have the same. We fell asleep that night, I was happy but I believe he wasn’t. The next morning we watched a movie together cuddling after it finished I asked him if he wanted to walk our dog with me he said:
Him: Do you think we are meant to be together?
Me: I love you sweety, no matter what you do I’d love you always.
Him: Do you think we should break up?
Me: (feeling confused and overwhelmed. As my heart just dropped out of my chest) No. I don’t want to. I love you. Do you think we should break up?
Him: long pause* Yes.
Me: (shocked. I froze and couldn’t process what was happening my heart was racing) What did I do? I know the past two weeks you have been angry a lot but you’re allowed to get angry, taking it out on me is normal when living together. Please don’t do this, maybe we can work this out just wait a little longer.
Him: No I’ve tried. I haven’t felt the same for the past 2 months. I’m not in love with you anymore. Its me, I had to change and I’ve tried but I just can’t..
Me:(holding back all my emotions and temptations to cry) 2 months!? Why didn’t you just tell me 2 months ago and we could have worked together?
Him: I’ve tried I just can’t. You can’t do anything I just don’t feel the same anymore. I f you really new me you would know.
Me: so I’ll call my parents and move out today?
Him: yes
I gathered myself for the mean time I walked outside and called my mom and my sister neither person answered I felt so alone. That is when I began to cry I began packing my things and tried to conceal my emotions. He didn’t seem to want anything to do with me at the time he didn’t help pack my things and just sat in the living room. I was tempted to sit next to him and hold him but I kept packing. He didn’t even shed a tear the entire time in the end it was about 4 hours and I had my things packed and my sister brought me home. The next day I went back to pick up the TV washing machine etc the big things and he just hugged me and kept being cute the way we were in our relationship. I was so very hurt by it and almost began to cry so I said goodbye and left.
I texted him yesterday and asked to meet up so I could give him the last of his things that I had, he wanted to meet up but then I realized no I need to let go so we no longer keep in contact. The last few days before that we did not talk and he contacted me asking if I have ever cheated on him and to please text him. I did not reply but when we contacted yesterday he asked why did you want to meet up and why didn’t you answer my questions? I replied with ” to bring you the last of ur things and no to ur question” he said “no you don’t have to and promise?” I did not reply.
Would this situation be worth pursuing? Or should i move on? During our relationship we have broken up before for about 3 days. He broke up just before he went to basic training but instantly regretted it and missed me, he came looking for me and begged me back and so we did. This time he isn’t doing anything the same he isn’t even contacting me and has deleted me from Facebook etc.
I also asked when I was moving out the last time we were together, if the were any chance of getting back together with him? He said that there is always hope that if its meant to be it will happen.
I asked him for a direct answer and he said no, he didn’t want to get back togrther right now. But once I’m back on has I might feel different and regret it yeah, and I will do everything I can to get you back but right now no I dont to get back together.
I can’t stop thinking about him, I guess if he wasn’t happy then I should let him be happy on his own. But do you think if he feels this way about me that maybe he could find that spark with me again? Should I try get him back? Please help
admin
January 19, 2015 at 3:13 pm
Have you attempted any form of NC or any of the other strategies on this site?
Ngahuia
January 8, 2015 at 8:07 pm
He did say that he is still my best friend before I left. I almost cried again after hearing he would rather just be friends.
I felt that he didn’t actually care about me during the moving out process he didn’t help me he didn’t cry and he wasn’t very sincere either. I don’t know if he still cares or if that’s just how he wants to deal with his emotions.
(I also don’t know why base* keeps showing up as has on my post)
Jane
January 8, 2015 at 12:56 pm
Just after the no contact period ends, he has a birthday. What kind of a message I should send ? Thanks
admin
January 19, 2015 at 3:08 pm
Don’t send him something on his birthday. Do it a few days after.
Alice
January 8, 2015 at 1:51 am
Hello my name is Alice,
My boyfriend broke up with me two days ago, we were in a relationship for four years… he kept saying that he did not know what he wanted and that he was very hurt, i begged him i know now i shouldnt have but I did, however it did not work. We had arguments and I know i made mistakes like being jealous, limiting him at a certain point but I was actually realizing I was very wrong and was commited to changing and was already working on changing how I was when out of the blue he broke up with me. We had winter break and went back home for the break and he says he realized his feeling had changed over the break, but when we were together during that break he looked very happy and I felt that he loved me, I never felt that hs feelings changed. I dont know if he hid his feelings for so long but I do not think he could have hidden them very well. And he also that his feelings are not completely gone, he cares about me a lot and stiill texts me every day. He wants to be best friends and keeps telling me he does not want to lose me… Do you think I can get him back using no communication and everyting you talked about? I would really appreciate any of your advice, I really need it. Thank you in advance
-Alice
Brina
January 5, 2015 at 9:03 pm
Hello!
My name is Brina, I just recently discovered your website.
So, of course, I’m fresh out of a long term relationship. A 4 year relationship with a guy named Bryan.
Bryan and I hit it off quick and easy when we first met, and found that falling in love happened quickly and effortlessly. He was so easy to fall in love with and stay in love with, which is also something he used to tell me.
After 3 years passed, I was starting to feel limited as far as exploring my options went. Given that we are young, I think it is vital to experience a variety of people before seriously committing yourself to someone. This mindset is what overcame me in the March of 2014 when I started receiving attention from other men at my work…a lot of attention ranging from simple compliments to sexual interest. So, being young with still a little naiveness left, I succumbed to the attention and decided to take a break with Bryan to experience my youth with other men. At that time in our relationship, Bryan was in one of those peaks of “I’m so damn in love with you,” where I was the opposite. I knew I loved him, but I questioned whether I was really in love with him. Needles to say, I left him horribly heartbroken for about 1.5 to 2 months. I was upfront with my desire to experience new things, which hurt him beyond explanation. I mean, we both know how much it SUCKS to see the person you love with someone else, right? Bryan went to extreme lengths help save our relationship and I just ignored them, and I would get incredibly annoyed with his efforts to smother me with attention. I hated every effort he made to save our relationship. I was so set in my ways of seeing other people that I even ignored advice from my mother and best friend who told me what I was doing was not healthy. Well, sooner than later guilt caught up to me. And the pain was so real and frightening, I wanted Bryan back as soon as I could have him. I started to realize how rude and ignorant I was, and the guilt flooded my brain. I felt so horrible that I even told him who I slept with and how many people I saw. I remember the pain on his face when he found out that he was no longer the only person I had had sex with. To put simplistically, Bryan was heartbroken. Aside from that he did one thing right: he gave me my space and gave himself the space to heal. Eventually, we moved on with our relationship and got back together about a month and half later. We hit insane peaks of being in crazy love, spent almost everyday together and did not get bored of each other ever. We were back to who we were before- the crazy happy, hopeless romantic couple that was crazy about each other.
Well, it didn’t last long enough.
I had to move 330 miles away to continue my education. In the beginning, the distance was not hard at all. We would video chat, text, and talk on the phone frequently. And of course the inevitable happened: the distance became impossible given that we don’t have the time nor money to visit each other. We had a heart-to-heart conversation and decided to establish an open relationship, because we both agreed that it is important to see other people. But this is where it got hard: in our open relationship, we were allowed to talk to and hook-up with other people and have to tell each other about it eventually. Stupid. The time came where I did have sex with someone else, and so did he. Of course we were upset about it at first but then we both came to terms with what our open relationship agreement was. Little did I know he wasn’t telling me everything… but I will get to that later. Anyway, there came a time when he would beg for me to let him go and let him explore his options without having to tell me everything, but every single time I would convince him otherwise and it seemed as though he was convinced. Continuous back and forth.
One day, I received a text from a friend back home saying “Ew, why is Bryan dating that girl? She’s so annoying.” She proceeded to send me pictures of him and the girl from the girl’s social media pages. I was shocked because I knew the girl. Confused because it was definitely not someone Bryan would EVER go for in the past, he would always talk about how she was obsessed with him and was incredibly annoying. Mad because he would lie every time I would ask him whether he was seeing someone else. Depressed because I am madly in love with this guy. Infuriated, I called him. And called. And called. And texted texted texted. Of course it wasn’t pretty… I bitched, whined, cried, screamed, and begged for him to take me back incessantly. I kept asking him “WHY HER?! WHY HER SHE’S GROSS!!!” All he would say was “Please give me my space. I need to experience new people at a young age.” He continually asked for space over and over while I was annoyingly contacting him way too much to talk about what was going on. I eventually learned that this was the girl that he has slept with, even though he told me the girl he slept with was only a one time thing. So, I now know that him and this girl are having sex which bothers me way more than it should, probably because they had sex within the early weeks of their relationship. It’s now only been a month and half give or take, and she’s already his official girlfriend. I begged him to end things with her, but nothing worked. So, I looked for help from a few close male friends. All of them told me the same thing: “his new girl is a rebound. Trust me. Give it a couple months and that’s it.” Mind you, he told me that he was unlikely going to put a “girlfriend label” on their affair, but he would tell me he really likes her. Which was painful to hear nonetheless.
I came home for the holidays, and we decided to meet up at his house one night to talk things out. I was expecting things to go smoothly, and for him to realize that this new relationship was a rebound, and for us to eventually hook-up and rekindle things. Well, not everything goes as planned of course. I did everything I told myself not to: asked him questions about his new lady friend, told him how depressed I was and how it’s been so hard without him, etc. I was so infuriated that I wasn’t receiving the emotional response I desired. So, it got worse and escalated. I told him, in a whiny/half-yelling voice : “SHE’S NOTHING BUT A REBOUND! SHE’S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU! ALL YOU’RE DOING IS FILLING AN EMPTY HOLE IN YOUR LIFE BECAUSE I’M NO LONGER HERE!” all that good stuff, the things our depressed and heartbroken mind insists we say. He never denied the rebound part, but was skeptical and semi-denied the accusation of him filling an empty hole/void. The night proceeded with petty conversations as followed:
Me: “Do you love me?”
Bryan: hesitates, “Ahh. I love you but I’m just not in love with you.”
Me: “How can you say that? I’m so in love with you.”
Me: picks up gift from new girl in his room with the word “gemini” on it, “great, she got you into horoscopes. Is she in middle school? Oh yeah, she is awkwardly younger than you right?”
Him: no response.
Me: “Is she your girlfriend?”
Him: “I mean yeah I guess she is, that’s kind what we’ve been doing.”
Me: “How did you move on so quickly?”
Him: “I mean, it’s just a time thing. Me and you weren’t really dating anymore.”
Me: “Are you in love with her?!” **asked several times.
Him: “No!”
Me: “She’s not me. You’re never going to find the same level of intimacy you and I had with her.”
Him: “I mean her and I are intimate but-”
Me: “Rebound. She’s a rebound. You used to talk about how annoying she was.”
Me: “Why did you hide your relationship from me?”
Him: “I know how emotional you are. I didn’t want to hurt you. It would kill me to see you with someone else, too.”
Him: “I just can’t do this anymore..”
Me: “do what?”
Him: “THIS!”
Me: “I’m so heartbroken. How could you do this to me?”
Him: A little teary eyed, “I’m heartbroken too, I’m hurt too-”
Me: “How can you be heartbroken by someone you’re not in love with? Do you even realize how much I miss you, and how much I miss us?”
Him: “I miss you too!!! I just really think it’s important we see other people…”
Anyway, at the end of our drama infested night, I apologized for the annoyance and asked him kindly to rethink everything. Kindly, he said he would and he would call me the following day. Without a doubt, that was a heartbreaking night. I lost faith in the “rebound” convenience and began thinking that he would never come back, ever.
The next day we talked on the phone, and damn it! I was still being annoying! He told me his mind hadn’t changed on anything, and that everything was going to be okay as long as I gave him his space. Still unsatisfied because I hadn’t said everything I wanted to, I asked him how he moved on so quickly and also said “the candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long,” indirectly referring to the quickness of his new relationship. That received no response. The last thing he said in that conversation was for me to not talk to him for at least a month.
Finally, I came to terms with that and have not had a conversation with him since. He has applied to transfer to my school next year as well, but that’s uncertain until we know if he’s been accepted.
I believe for you to have a more concrete idea of this situation so you could give me the best advice possible, I should give you some background information on the both of us and him and her from what I gather.
Him and I:
-Both of us are intelligent, impatient, stubborn, and witty.
-I am a writer (I know this email has tons of grammar mistakes and what not, I wrote this in fury) and he plays music.
-Our relationship was north of magical. There was an actual spark when we kissed, and there was true intimacy in and out of bed.
-We had those stupid petty arguments every other day. Usually lasted about <10 minutes.
-He only had eyes for me up until recently.
-Neither of us are materialistic. Don't expect diamonds nor expensive dinners.
-I am extremely close with his family.
-We would grocery shop together, you know. That cheesy cute stuff.
-When I saw him over my holiday break, he told me I was "impossible to resist" but didn't kiss me anyway.
Him and her:
-She advertises their relationship on Facebook, Instagram, etc. like they've been together for a year.
-He posts nothing. Well, he's not much of a social media-er to begin with.
-Nothing is "Facebook official"
-She buys him and makes him stupid bracelets.
-He has said in the past when I was concerned over her obsession with him: "she's not even pretty and is really annoying."
-When I asked how they started talking: "Well, she told me she was into me and I figured why not. I give people chances and we ended up getting a long really well."
-He's already met the family.
-"Her age isn't much of a concern to me. At first I was hesitant but now it doesn't matter."
-He just recently deleted his only picture of him and I off Instagram. In turn, I deleted the last one I posted but not all.
Furthermore, I really, really do want him to come back more than anything. But, he has never really dated anyone seriously outside of me so I fear that him and I will become a thing of the past and he will move on to new people like he wants to, considering he's so set in his ways of "seeing new people." Im also confused because in the past he has said that I'm the greatest thing that ever happened to him, and when we officially broke it off he said I was a fantastic girlfriend.
Well, that's about all I can think about right now. I'm in dire need of some solid advice, opinions, feedback, and what's likely to happen in the future. Thank you so much for your help.
-Brina
admin
January 6, 2015 at 2:01 pm
Personally I think this problem stemmed from your relationship agreement. You gave him a free pass to cheat and he gave you a free pass to cheat.
Problem is that when you did sleep with someone else he couldn’t handle it.
Brina
January 6, 2015 at 5:08 pm
When we found out that we had slept with other people we were upset at first but got over it very quickly. We went back to being our typical selves by sayin “I love you” and calling each other baby, etc.
admin
January 7, 2015 at 5:28 am
How often do you guys see each other in person?
Brina
January 7, 2015 at 5:51 am
When I saw him a weekend I visited home we slept together and we also slept together over Thanksgiving weekend too… And he was talking to the other girl at the same time without me knowing. When I visited home for the weekend it was amazing. He was shaking and smiling and overly excited.
Brina
January 8, 2015 at 10:37 pm
Also has been talking to this girl now since October. He made her his girlfriend in December.
Brina
January 7, 2015 at 5:41 am
Well we were making the distance really work at first and it wasn’t hard. I visit home once per quarter in addition to holidays. So over my first fall quarter I went home 3 times and my holiday break was 2 weeks. When I first visited home he was really excited to see me.
Brina
January 6, 2015 at 5:12 pm
Also, he had slept with someone too around the same time before even knowing that I did too. But he didn’t tell me that the girl he slept with was someone that he was still talking too. I don’t know if this is a rebound relationship but I would like to believe it is and that he will eventually come back if I do the right things.
admin
January 7, 2015 at 5:27 am
How long has he been with this girl? Trying to determine if it is a rebound.
Kez
January 5, 2015 at 8:58 pm
Hi, I was just wondering a couple of things.
The 30 days no contact, is that like an ideal time or is it a minimum time?
Also,
My ex thinks I’m not over my ex-ex and won’t believe me when I say I’m not. Because he went on my internet history and saw that I’d clicked on his profile. The trouble is I’d also googled ‘how do you get over somebody’ but that was literally nothing to do with him, I was looking for a video I’d seen on youtube ages ago that was funny and I wanted to show a friend. But he doesn’t believe it (I don’t think I would either but it is the truth) So he says we can’t be together. After a night of talking and crying (on my part) we decided not to split up. We stayed together for like a month after that and then we split up quite out of the blue. we spoke on the phone the other day and he was drunk and was saying he doesn’t love me and it just changed he doesn’t know why or how and he doesn’t want it anymore. He said he feels like a (excuse my french) C&^t but that’s how it is.
Should I even think about persuing this if that’s how he feels?
Thank you
Sorry it was such a long message
Kez
admin
January 6, 2015 at 1:59 pm
Minimum & usually ideal.
Seems to me he has some growing up to do. However, I think this is worth pursuing if you really think you can have a stable relationship with him.
CM
January 4, 2015 at 2:11 am
Chris– Okay, I’ve asked a few different questions on your site, and I was about to buy your e-book just now when I finally realized why I’m so confused/lost about it all now. Basically, I’m realizing that everything you’ve recommended, I did (with the exception of the full 30 days nc, which I know is a huge part but I gauged that a shorter time might be appropriate and I think it was.) — and everything was extremely helpful/working!!
I talk in past tense b/c the breakup happened ~7 months ago. A few weeks after the breakup, basically everything you wrote in this article happened. After backing off, adjusting my texts, being MUCH less needy etc, he evnetually asked to get dinner (went well)… then coffee… then hangout… etc etc and things were looking WAY up. BUT HERE is where the curveball comes in and I just don’t really know how to handle it. (And Pretty please don’t just refer me to LDR page b/c I don’t think it necessarily applies given what I just told you above ^ !?)
So… very shortly after all of that positive stuff/dates he had to move back home to South America, b/c we’d just graduated college. In the past (like a year earlier) we’d discussed me moving with him “when the time came” and how he imagined our lives there together, etc. I even went to there visit and meet the fam last summer, and so he could convince me of how great his friends and city are so I’d want to move with him. But then graduation just came so soon that suddenly it all became “too much” for him. During those last days before he left, we both cried a lot and he said “sorry he wasn’t brave enough” and that if he was staying in the US it would all be so different and we would be together again.
So all that you said worked! But I guess I just need to take it a step further— because remember, I was willing to move there, or even to do long distance for a while as we figured it all out. (we did LDR when he studied abroad a semester so we’ve had experience there too). But for him, he didn’t wanna do LDR anymore while “figuring his life out” but also said that me moving there was too much pressure right now. I totally understand that…. But I also know that if he felt so strongly about me/us as he USED to (and in general when you really love someone), you break through barriers no matter how tough. And it also shows that his feelings for me became less strong than they were a year before…
So it’s really hard b/c I know that I was doing it right and it was all working picture-perfectly. And the feelings were there to get back together if he had stayed here. But that being said, I feel like he’s sort of sitting right ontop of this fence and if I can just do some little thing to tap into those feelings so strongly again I could bump him to the other side of the fence…where he wants to make it work whether it means here or there or however!!?
I just have no idea how to do that. =/ If you can offer any suggestions based on all that ^ I would be forever grateful. (Also, you should know that he’s still down there and I’m in the US; his dad (only his dad) lives here so it would technically be possible for him to come back; BUT he recently accepted a 1-year job position down there.) Oh and I know this b/c we’ve been texting like every 2 weeks random little texts which are friendly but obviously haven’t accomplished what I want to accomplish.
I know it’s sort of a toughie but I think you’re working with some potential here!!! And I believe you can do it 😉 Thank you immensely!!! 🙂 🙂
CM
January 6, 2015 at 3:44 am
please? =/ (Last week I asked him to skype bc i missed him so much and I had no idea how to handle all this. He said “yeah of course” but he asked if it could wait a few days since he’s busy with the move I mentioned up there ^ … I’m regretting this now b/c I think I just need your opinion from here on what to do before I ruin my chances.)
CM
January 6, 2015 at 3:45 am
ugh not the ‘move’ I meant the new job***
CM
January 9, 2015 at 4:44 am
If anyone else wants to take a shot at this, lol, I’d really appreciate it!! (But you’ll prob have to read all that stuff ^^ for my question to make sense.) But please do bc literally every day I wonder if I’m supposed to text him (get him so used to talking to me on a normal basis again… or if I should wait like, a long long time without anything to let him really feel what it’s like to be without me. Bc again right it’s a little check-in text convo every 2 or 3 weeks, aka like i’m giving him the best of both worlds kind of…and I need to “push him over that fence” of emotions to make him not just want to be with me, but AT ALL COSTS. By changing what I’m doing, somehow, but I don’t know which way to go. —->>> B/c as I said up there, Chris’ advice worked miraculously after the breakup/before he moved back to South America (so, what’s applicable to most people)!! …. I even got the meetups, the dinner date, etc. But then he moved so soon after before the effects could really settle in. :((
Lastly, Skype update: it’s been a week since he asked to wait a few days to Skype… Even though he’s busy b/c he’s moving cities down there for the new job, I sorta think he’s just associating the idea of us skyping with extreme pressure. otherwise it wouldn’t need such a build up (He was a foreign student, he’s used to Skyping everyone while busy!) So it’s obviously a stressful thought, Even if he’s acting nice about it. Should I text something light to lighten the mood? I’m literally about to just say “nevermind!” — kidding. (…or should I? lol)
Sam
December 29, 2014 at 6:03 pm
Hey I hve been with my boyfriend for 5 years we love each other alot I did everytging for him bit it’s been a week he has broke up with me and I phone and text him he don’t wat to know I kmow he loves me and it’s his family they don’t like me how do I get him back I can’t live without him please help me
admin
January 5, 2015 at 2:28 pm
Has he responded to your phone and texts?
Rhia
December 29, 2014 at 3:17 pm
My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me a week ago and leading up to the break up I could see a big difference in him from when I first met him. We had a few arguments during the relationship , but we said wed make it through it, he then broke up with me the day after Christmas saying he couldn’t do it anymore he’s just not that interested, and kept saying he doesn’t know what he wants, he says he still cares but but needs to be alone , please help, I genuienly love this boy and what we had was magic, I should of gave him space but I just smothered him, I really need him back, even a text off him when I was down would have me in great humour, and seeing him still gave me butterflies, I know what went wrong but I need your help to make it right please xx
admin
January 5, 2015 at 2:27 pm
Well, I think going forward it is time to give him that space.
Martil
December 26, 2014 at 2:58 am
Hi Chris,
I was dating this guy for 4 month . Things were going , but I starting noticing he was changing with me . He was not replying to my messages as he used to do . I got upset and I asked him what was going on with him . I told him I can’t guess if something wrong unless he speak up to me .. Later on that day , he sent me a text saying that his ex had contacting him recently and that she wanted to work things out with him . So, I asking him if he wanted us to stop seen each other , he replied with this ” I don’t know” I don’t want to be hurtful to anyone . I got upset with this . I told him he had the right to date anyone he wants , that I wanted he to know that I was looking to have a exclusive relationship with the right person . That I was not looking forward to be anyone’s rebound .. He replied saying he doesn’t know if he wants to be back with Her and it was a lot to procees from his end . He also mentioned that he knows her for years and that has a lot of value he can’t ignore . I told him that my ex and I dated for years and he has a lot of value on me as well, but that doesn’t mean I can go around to play with people nfeelings because of that .. He told me he was not playing with anyone and that she recently started to called him .. I told him he’s free to date his ex if that’s what he’d like and that I wish him good luck with it .. I told him that I was not mad , but that it seems he doesn’t know what he wants right now . I told him I know what I want ,and if he has doubt between 2 people that means he still has feeling for someone else and that I can’t fight with that . I apologize for the messages I’ve sent him earlier . I was upset and called him liar . I also told him that it seems he had already back to her and now he was giving me a Bs talk about recently contact him .. After I apolized to him , I told him , that he needs to understand that I was the one going to a process as well and not only him . This was 2 days ago , I haven’t call him or text him and he hasn’t either.
Basically , I’m the one who end up with him . I do like him . Do you think that I can have any chance here ?? :/
Thank you
Chris
admin
December 29, 2014 at 2:36 pm
Defintely there is a chance.
Lets talk about what you have done so far in an effort to get him back.
Martil
December 30, 2014 at 2:33 am
Thank you for the replied Chris . My last conversation via text with him was on Dec 23rd, he hasn’t contact me at all and I haven’t contact him either ..as I mentioned before ,I kind of ended it because he wasn’t sure weather he wants to go back to his ex or stay with me ..:/ .. I told him they I knew what I wnat and to me if he has doubt about the 2 of us ,that he might have Feelings for someone else and that I can’t fight with that . At the end I apolgize for all my angry messages .. It’s been six days since the last time we spoke and I was giving him sometime to think what he really wants .. Do you think I should wait for 30 days to contact him or do you think I can send him a message right now ? If so , what type of message should I send him ?
Thank you Chris
admin
January 5, 2015 at 2:40 pm
Wait for the 30 days to be completed.
Martil
January 9, 2015 at 1:47 am
Thank you Chris ,
I’ll wait for the 30 days. My hands are itching already for wanting to text .. I’ll be having a surgery these days and I thought about contact him , felling little scared about this procedure and I wanted to talk to him for support ,but at the same time I don’t want him to feel forced to come to see me :/ .. I guess I’ll wait for the 30 days .
I’ll keep you posted ..
Thank you Chris
Martil
February 3, 2015 at 5:42 am
Hi Chris ,
I can’t believe how time flies by . My 30 days of not contact ends on the 4th , but I can’t really come out with something to start conversation yet . He hasn’t contact me at all this time and sometimes I think that he’ll probably had move on . at the same time , I’m kind afraid to find out if he went back to his ex .
Martil
February 8, 2015 at 12:49 pm
Hi Chris ,
I’m so happy . I followed your steps and it worked !!! after 30 days i contacted my ex and he told me he was really happy to have heard from me . On my fisrt text I uded , I told him that I was in his hometown early morning with a friend of mine who was looking for a place to live, I mentioned that the place she looked into it was right in front of the Beach where he took me on our second date . I said that I thought of him while i was there and wanted to say hello .. He said , I’m really happy to know that you thought of me .. I end the conversation saying that I have dinner To go to with friends . Same day at night time , I received a text from him inviting me to go and dance with him . I fisrt said no , but after back and forth messages I end up going with him . He was very happy to see me , we kiss and dance all night and at the end , he invited me to come over his place and I said no maybe another time . I said I rather to go home . He didn’t insist and he said good girl Lol ..
I hope I didn’t screw up my chances by going out with him same date I texted him .. What do you think ?
I was happy , I couldn’t resist .
Martil
February 11, 2015 at 9:41 am
Hi Chris,
I need your help . As i mentioned before, My ex and i started talking again after 30 days of no contact , we went out to dance Same day, we kissed .he invited me to his place , but i told him that i can’t . So , the next day he didn’t call me at all and at night , I posted on Facebook that I was having dinner with a friend , but I didn’t mention with whom . The following day first thing in the morning ,he sent me a friend request via Facebook . We’ve never been friends on facebook before and I was kind of surprised about it , but I accept his requested .Anyways , he hasn’t contact me still via facebook nor text or call . I’m confused now . Why would he want to be his friends on facebook after we kissed , but still won’t contact me . ??? What should I do Chris ? why his acting like this ? Please help me !!
Martil
February 12, 2015 at 11:32 pm
Hi Chris . You haven’t reply to me . We are talking just as friends righ nor after we kissed . I’m just confused .
Martil
February 24, 2015 at 11:17 pm
Hi Chris,
My ex and i are in really good terms right now , we talk on daily basis and he seemed to regret what he did . The other day he got jealous , because I told him I was going out for dinner and he assumed it was with a guy . At the end ,I told him that i was going out with a gf then he felt better after . He gets really jelous when i hang out with friends and they tagged me on facebook ,but he hasn’t ask me out ..anyways , I’m spending the night at his place today to go to a meeting together For next day early morning. I’m not sure how everything would end after tonight , he invited me to stay over and I say ok , but that I would want to sleep in the couch , he replied ‘you don’t have sleep in the couch but is up to you . I’m little nervous for tonight . I want him back and I don’t want to say the wrong thing tonight .
Thank you to your steps on your website and book ,I was able to talk to him again , but it seems this would be the
hard part for me tonight .
Martil
January 1, 2015 at 6:47 pm
Happy New Year Chris,
I text him yesterday to wish him happy NY, he replied right away ,so i made the concerstion short , he sounded happy when texting back and forth .. I accidentally texted him after midnight , I was texting one of my friend to wish her happy NY ,I wrote her name on the text , but sent it to him instead , I realized right away ,but thought he’ll figure I made a mistake since that’s not his name , but he replied saying thank you , same to you instead .. Lol . I didn’t replied to that and didn’t want to say that made a mistake ..
How long do you think I should wait to contact him again? I was trying to apply the 30 days , but texted him on my 9 day yesterday ..
Thank you Chris !
Hanna
December 18, 2014 at 4:07 am
My ex broke up with me in late November and since then we are not in touch (plus he lives in a different city). He was pretty determined about the break up so I doubt that he changed his mind.
So far he texted me three times and the last text message I received today. He said that he is curious about me and asked me if we should talk sometime. I guess he wants to talk to catch up or something.
I’m not sure if I should reply..I kind of want to even though I would break the rule.
What do you think?
Annabelle
December 15, 2014 at 8:27 pm
Hello Chris! I’ve been following this website for a while, and before anything, I must say, congratulations on your work!
I’ve been putting your words to practice. My ex and I dated for 2 years and broke up over a month ago. I did NC for over 30 days, because I still didn’t feel quite ready to text or chat him up. I see him almost everyday because we go to college together and during NC the times I spoke to him were times that were absolutely necessary and I tried my best to stay calm and collected. I was actually starting to feel good, I had a lot of fun with my friends and I was focusing on old hobbies and passions. He was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend too, we broke up because he said he didn’t feel the same thing for me anymore and it was just physical, but he also told me he realized this because of a conversation he had with his mom, which was “You two won’t be good together because you want different things out of life, you’re studying different things, she’s very different from you, ect”. I personally don’t believe this to be true, we did have common goals in life and we were quite similar in a lot of aspects.
Now, on the exact day it reached 30 days of NC he approached me saying he was having some “urges”. Which immediately set me off, because I do want to get back together, but not for sex and I refuse to be friends with benefits (I only reached this conclusion after an agonizing day of pondering and almost falling into temptation..). But the next day I stayed true to myself and told him that and he apologized saying it was very wrong of him and he should’ve never mentioned it in the first place. Then he told me he had been thinking about me and went back to read some old conversations and he was confused on whether he really misses me or misses the physical stuff. We haven’t spoken about that subject since but we’ve spoken twice, once on facebook, which went surprisingly well, and once by text. He seems very receptive but then again when we broke up he did mention he wanted to remain friends. By text I just asked him about a college related thing and kept it simple and ended the conversation soon. But then after a few minutes he texted again wanting to know more about that college related thing but I took control of the conversation and ended it after 2 texts. He’s very stubborn so I doubt he’ll take the initiative to talk through text or facebook, but he has no problems doing it personally. What do you think? I’m gonna stick to your plan but sometimes I’m really overcome with doubts, like am I doing it right? I won’t admit defeat so soon though, but yeah… I wanted to know your opinion.
Thank you for your work and dedication! Hope to hear from you 🙂
shiela
December 15, 2014 at 7:31 pm
hi
my boyfriend of 3 yrs broke up with me. he said the feeling is not the same anymore. at first i begged him to give us a chance and he agreed but he said the relationship will never be the same and he is not comfortable anymore. So i decided to let go because i dnt want make it harder for him. i want to follow NC but we are living together and one of us can’t move out yet because we are still settling some financial obligations..what can i do to somewhat apply NC? I really want him back and keep him forever