Rejection and denial…
For most of the women I work with there are no two scarier words than the ones written above.
And yet I find that quite a few women end up rejected or denied by their exes.
Why?
Well, in my experience it is because they overextend themselves.
Think of it like this.
Your ex boyfriend breaks up with you which causes you to immediately want him back. Of course, you are a very smart person and you know that you need to have a sound strategy if you are going to convince him to take you back. So, you go online and search everywhere for a reputable source to help you with your pain.
Eventually you stumble across my little gem of a website here and read about the no contact rule.
Now, don’t get me wrong.
The no contact rule is without a doubt an essential strategy to getting your ex back but it has a bit of a downfall to it.
Generally, by doing a period of no contact it makes you want your ex even more and causes you to go a little too fast too soon.
Hence, you overextend yourself before enough of a connection has been built and you end up rejected.
In fact, that is exactly what happened to Taylor, the subject of our episode today.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizA Bit About Taylors Situation
- She just completed a 30 day no contact rule
- She was on day 5 of the “texting phase”
- Things seemed to be going well…
- And then she overextended herself a bit and ended up rejected
- She now wonders what to do
One thing that you are going to notice about this episode of the podcast is that I talk a lot about one thing,
Connection
Often times, getting an ex back revolves around how connected you can make him feel towards you and making him connected to you revolves around the four levels of conversation,
- Small Talk: Anyone can talk about, it can be a stranger in a shop or in a bus
- Swapping Facts: We only do this with people we are loosely acquainted with and is the sort of conversation you might have on a first date.
- Discussing Opinions: Tend to do with with people you are familiar with, You know they won’t judge you too harshly
- Sharing Feelings: Usually reserved for family members and romantic information.
Don’t worry, I talk a lot more in depth about it in the episode (give it a listen!)
Private
October 3, 2022 at 9:35 am
Hi
Me and my ex boyfriend were each other’s, first kiss, first love, first relationship and first well you know. He broke up with me six months ago when his competitions weren’t going well and he got manipulated by our then trainer that I must be the problem. I found this out another way he gave me different reasons eg he can’t bear seeing me sad, he isn’t attracted anymore (well when I leaned close to him I’m pretty sure what I felt wasn’t his belt), lies like that. After 4 days from the breakup we met a few times to discuss it. Then I kept a 3 week no contact rule and when I called him he said he doesn’t even miss me and said that he is over me. We FaceTimed for 2hours just for the information sadly there were some arguments but he did call me “babe” accidentally which confused me. Then two weeks later I changed teams and a week after that they joined the same team I did. After that I didn’t talk or look at him for a month and then I tried approaching him but he was a completely different person with me (very rude). We had some arguments ect. It ended with me texting him a goodbye message that I will leave him alone from now on. Fast forward to now (3 months later). I hear that he constantly looks at me during our training sessions and when I approached him yesterday by text asking to meet he told me that he doesn’t want to see me if i really want to say what I want then I should text it. I sent him a voice messaged video with the text aswell saying how I recognize the mistakes I made and that I would do things so much better and how I regret some actions and that I don’t want to look but and say “what if”. He ended up rejecting me and being rude. For the record before we dated we had a talking phase of 6 months then when I asked him if he likes me he said not like that and then 3 months later I became his girlfriend. Over the course of these 3 months I didn’t speak to him for 2 months and then he approached me by himself. Then we dated for 9 months. It was a happy relationship he told me he loved me a lot but unfortunately I had many trust issues and family issues at the time.
Taylor
April 18, 2021 at 1:56 pm
Yesterday, I was rejected by my ex. He was showing ever sign towards wanting to be with me again. Having me come over and telling other women who he texts daily that he was with me, which they know I am his ex. Making excuses for me to stay longer at his house.. he even made it a big deal to say hello to my nieces which adore him beyond measure. I told him that it wouldn’t be a good idea to say hi to them because they miss him and will just keep asking me when they get to see him again and he knows that. He rejected me lastnight and told me he does not want to give me another chance. I had to delete him off of everything and block his number because it hurts. He showed very hot and cold signs and now I am extremely confused and hurt for my nieces who think they will see him again. Please what do I do and why did he reject
Rose
January 22, 2018 at 3:59 pm
Hi! My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I am on day 17 of NC and aiming for 30. He has not contacted me during this time. My question is, when the time comes to reach out, how often should I message/start new conversations? How long should the texting and phoning stage last before attempting to meet? Days/weeks? I don’t want to seem ‘too available’ nor not message enough. Thank you
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 24, 2018 at 1:48 am
Hi Rose,
Check this one:
How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact
Anon
October 22, 2017 at 3:30 pm
Ok well my situation went a little different.. I completed 45 days of nc then initiated contact with a funny positive memory text and said hope you’re doing well. He replied really quick (14 minutes) even though he was working. I was just gonna keep the convo short, simple and light. But his replies were very deep conversation right off the bat. He updated me right away that one of his relatives died and that his dad is going to prison. So I was just tying to be supportive and said that I was sorry he was going through all this and hopes he has people he can talk to if he feels the need to. Then he apologized to me for how things went down towards the end of our relationship. And said that his rebound relationship (he referred to her by name) helps him 100% and I had done nothing wrong he just needed a change and “first loves never last.” (We were each other’s first loves) then he goes on to say he hopes we can be friends (he’s said this a total of 3 times since we broke up) and looks forward to hearing about my adventures to come. I said yes let’s be friends, I just miss having conversations with you and maybe we can meet up soon. (I know I suggested a meet up too soon but he was already talking to me like nothing had happened. It wasn’t just small talk, so I figured “wth” go for it). But I also said: don’t say “hope we can be friends” if you don’t mean it. He said he meant it, I sent a jokingly text back then he did the same and right after that asked me how many guys I’ve slept with…. then he said I’m drunk btw. By this time we had been texting for a few hours. He asked me that at 12:15am. I just made a joke about the amount then said “jk you’ll never know.” That was at 12:30am. He sent “k” at 4:16am
And that was it…. that was our first conversation right after nc, I thought it went good but it was weird. I mean to me even though he says his relationship now helps him 100% (they’ve only been dating 3 1/2 months and started dating a week after we broke up) it seems to me like he still cares for me. What do you guys think?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 24, 2017 at 4:38 pm
Take it slow.Don’t meet up yet..because it’s either he’s lying or he’s friendzoning you..
Til
September 25, 2017 at 3:53 pm
Hi,
This is my situation. I was with a guy in a logdistance relationship ( different countries).We used to meet every 2 months. And it was pretty intense and I never had that conection with anyone. We were together for 9-10 months.The last 4 months were a nightmare in terms of comunication.We couldn’ reach each other. I lost my patience and I suggested to stop a few times. Things went worse and finally in July we broke up, in a really bad way,everything on whatsapp. We always said we need to talk about this on the phone.I was waiting for it. He also gave me hopes like sending me pics in between…Then when we had the conversation basically he was the one who talk and he told me he didn’t want to be in those places anymore.And he didn’t want to come back. I was by then totally in love again and I though we could fix it cause we were beyond that.I also thought about moving to his country.
That made me feel so bad.I felt terrible for 2 weeks but I didn’t text him or anything.
So after two weeks he texted me with all his rage that he was so angry at me etc
He thinks it is all my fault, he did everything for things to work.It is true that I did bad some things and I asked him sorry about it, with my full heart.I told him I would like to make him feel better an so i would feel better myself also.
But never again a conversation on the phone, he avoid it.I don’t know why, I suggested many times.
Then he told me he stills thinks of me a lot and he sleeps with a thing I bought him.
Then from time to time I have a message (not loving) just about things that made him feel bad in the past.I told him to talk all the way, not by drops.
He knows already that I love him and I would like to be with him again and he doesn’t want to be with me but I don’t know why on earth he is taxting me every 4 days, with not useful things.
Today we had a conversation (written of course) and he told me he doesn’t want to forget me etc.I asked him if he feels love still for me and he replied with a: ‘I feel love for some things and for others I don’t’ which is a non clear answer, the question is so clear.
I have the feeling he doesn’t want to be with me but for some reason he doesn’t let me to move on.
I don’t know if I did enough already, but I told him my feelings and he has information in order to wether he wanted to be together he could.
But why is he doing this? I know you cannot be in his head but what should I do?
Sometimes I think he is not the same person by the way he adress to me and the things he tell me. Today it was really disgusting that reply.
And I feel stupid cause I still love him and it’s been more than 2 months since we broke up
HELP
Thank u!
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 27, 2017 at 9:03 pm
Hi Til,
check this one:
What It Takes To Make A Long Distance Relationship Work
Ann Mary
September 6, 2017 at 2:03 pm
Hi,
I and my boyfriend were together for almost 2 years. Though we love each other we fight a lot as well. We had a huge fight recently and he told me things like I flirt with guys and stuff which is not true. I got really hurt when I know how committed and honest I am in the relation. I told him I am breaking up with him. I was screaming on the top of my voice so was he. I said, ‘not even my dog will come back to you and that I did a mistake by choosing you over my ex’. He tried to talk to me while we were fighting but I didn’t let him have a conversation because I was mad at him and quite angry. A lot of times we say each other that we are done but we always patch up. However this time we didn’t patch up. Some days passed and he never tried to talk..I tried to talk to him and he said he is done. And that he still remembers my statement which said ‘not even my dog will.come back to you and that I did a mistake by choosing him over my ex’. I said sorry and I told him that he also said hurtful things and still I went back, just because I know that everyone says hurtful things when they are mad and they don’t mean it. But he didn’t even continue the conversation. He said he is done and left the place. This fight is definitely different from our previous fights and he has never behaved like this before. He is also active in dating apps and he also blocked me from all social media, which has happened before as well. Do you think there is a chance that we get back to each other. He has really loved me a lot which I know for sure
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 7, 2017 at 9:17 pm
HI Ann Mary,
you already apologized for it, so I think it’s time for you to start the no contact rule since he’s still angry about it.
Meggy
August 14, 2017 at 5:18 am
I really need advice!
My ex and i have been in a relationship for over 2 years. We were perfect together, each other’s first loves, first kisses, first dates and everything. But i always argued with him, didn’t appreciate what he had done for me and whenever we argue i felt he’s getting farther from me. And around May, he initiated a breakup but i said i would change and we worked out things. But in July, i also got emotional and started argument and we didn’t talk to each other for 9 days and after that he suddenly cleared his nickname from FB messenger and deleted the pictures from FB and changed his password. I begged him again and again. But he said very hurting words to me and kept saying no. And I agreed with him and he said if he misses me he’ll come back to me no matter when it is. But I went to his home after a couple of days and begged again. He was really angry at first but after talking a bit he was just like when we were dating, he was smiling and hugged me tightly. And I begged to have sex (we didn’t do it before) but he refused and he said you would cry and regret it. But he agreed anyways. And after doing that i begged again but he still said no. So that night, which was July 17th i wrote to him saying i will wait for you, but now i’m agreeing to breakup. He said i was still his first love and the most beautiful girl in the world, and if he misses me he will come back. And after a few days, we met up to get some documents from him, and he was different, he was no longer angry but was smiling and kind to me. He said he won’t look for other girls and although he knew i was logging into his icloud account, he won’t change his password and he still didn’t change it. And i asked him to kiss and he kindly refused, he said no we can’t. But we kissed. He said he was in a hurry, but i begged him to stay a bit but his mum called and get angry with him and asked where he is. After that he got annoyed. We almost didn’t talk or chat with each other. But he kept seeing my instagram story while not seeing his friends’ (i knew his password and he didn’t) he even seeing his chat with me on messenger. But suddenly he stopped seeing my story but saw his friends’. He also searched for some famous girls’ instagram. And yesterday i felt bad because i was the only one who knew his password and changed it back to his old password. In a minute he changed the password to something i don’t know and deleted all pictures with me that he didn’t delete before. I don’t know whether he got angry because i kept changing his password. I sent him a chat saying i’m changing for good and thanked him for breaking up with me because if he didn’t, i couldn’t have changed my behaviour and giving my a chance to start everything freshly and i also said i’m waiting for you not to get back together but to start everything from zero, when we got shy because of each other. He has seen the message but not replying.
What should I do from now on? Do i still have a chance to get him back? I’m planning to write to him in around second week of September with some messaging saying our old happy memories. Please give me some advice. Thank you!
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 14, 2017 at 8:56 pm
Hi Meggy,
Check this one:
Does Begging For Your Ex Back Even Work?
sarahneedshelp
July 23, 2017 at 3:32 am
Hi Amor,
I need help with my situation but also to vent a little. So, I’m sorry in advance for the long post.
My ex and I were together for 1.5 yrs together, and then he broke up with me because we would fight constantly. Our fights were similar to how Chris described his… I would get upset over little things, my ex would get stressed out, and one day he was just fed up with fighting and so he broke up with me saying that we will never work, we’re never getting back together, and its getting harder to love me. Since it’s my first time being broken up with, I begged/called and texted a lot, and it didn’t work. A week after we broke up, he dropped by to pick up his stuff and I tried to get back together again, and he was hesitant and had to think about it for a couple of days. Ultimately, he said no. Since then, I entered NC and did not speak to him for 30 days. After that we miraculously got back together, and it was the happiest time for both of us. We were really great for awhile…
Fast forward to now, 9 months later, he broke up with me again. Lately, we’ve been fighting over little things again, and he would get stressed and shut down. Which made me more angry because it felt like he didn’t care about us, or cared enough to make us work. So one day after a fight, he wanted a discussion about our relationship but I didn’t because I was still angry about what we fought about and so he broke up with me. I didn’t protest and I agreed it was for the best. After that, I didn’t contact him. 4 days later, he sent me an email and messaged me on Facebook. He’s not one to express so much emotions, especially in words, so I was very shocked. In the letter, he started by saying that he didnt think the way we ended did any justice for the beautiful relationship we had. Then he proceeds by saying I’m the love of his life, everything reminds him of me, he loved me so much but it wasnt enough for me, and our good times were like a dream but again its not enough. Then he said that maybe in the future, when our lives are different and we cross paths and have the same feelings then its meant to be. He continued by saying that for the first time ever, he thought he had found a life partner, and someone to grow old with. Then he apologized for us not working out, and taking me for granted and not appreciating our time together. He ended the letter by saying that he needed to write to me because we had something so special, and that he loves me but we just don’t work. Then he said that he’ll drop off my stuff later that week. I replied (I know I shouldn’t have) by saying thank you for the letter, can i come get my things. He said “No, i need some time apart from you, i’ll drop it off sometime this week” and i said okay. and i told him that i love him and want us to be together but i also agreed with his letter, and maybe when he drops it off we could discuss it and i could express my side of things. He didn’t respond, and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been a week since that last conversation, and I’m getting a bit anxious about not hearing from him.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I want to be with him but I’m not sure if he wants to be with me/try again… Do I even have a chance? Are my chances good/average/bad? Should I try NC again after he returns my stuff? How many days should I be in NC? What does he mean by the letter? Was that his way of closing the doors forever?
Thanks for reading. Any advice would be appreciated!
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 25, 2017 at 5:13 pm
if you can start healing and improving yourself now, and if you can keep your composure when you meet up, you don’t have to restart nc but it looks like you’re too emotional right now, so I think you’re going to have to restart it after you meet up…it looks like a moving on letter, if you agreed to it that’s good. Your chances depend on how much you improve yourself, how active you’re posting, how much you can rebuild rapport and attraction after nc while slowly building rapport.
Ann
July 19, 2017 at 11:04 am
Hi there! So im done with the no contact rule now and our initial conversation that i started went well. im on day 3 tomorrow but i have no idea how to start it again 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 19, 2017 at 12:47 pm
use topics of his interest.. check this one too:
The Most Effective Text Messages To Send To Your Ex Boyfriend
Lana
July 5, 2017 at 12:28 pm
Hi, I went through the whole NC thing a couple times until I’m now in the “move on” part. It’s been 6 months and he still wants me to “never” talk to him again. I’m struggling with it, I still miss him so much and it hurts that he doesn’t seem to miss me at all.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 5, 2017 at 6:34 pm
Hi Lana,
You just have to keep going..there’s no other way but through it
Lynn
July 2, 2017 at 7:45 pm
I was trying to get my ex back after a few months. After NC (I decided it because he had started to be cold and distant) we started to get better. We talked (by text) once a week, just a few messages about tv, movies…Then the things got better, during the last month we texted each other serveral times a week, talked about more things, not neutral but personal, even intimate and sometimes he texted me just because, with “excuses” (asking things he could ask anyone, for example). We were having fun and using some old inside jokes… Until last week. I had to go to his city (we lived in different cities, one of the reasons of our problems in the relationship) for a meeting and I asked him if he would want to met and grabbing a coffee and I could give him his bday present (we have talked about it, it was a Christmas present who arrived late and, since we broke up at the end of December, I never gave it to him but it was something special and I decided to give him for his bday, which is in ten days). He said he would confirm me the day before and then he came up with a excuse, something he had to do… The day arrived and I think that the thing he had to do was true (he was absent of the social media, which he only left when he is busy with this thing) but I know that he finished on time to meet just for a little while. I didn’t insist and he had promised that if he has time he would text me if he had time but he didn’t. And he haven’t text me since then. He didn’t ask me about the meeting (he had wished me luck the day before). Funny thing: as a result of that meeting, I’m moving to his city in three months. And I haven’t heard from him since then. I didn’t text him either, the last messages are mine, before going to his city and he ignored me.
I am going to sent him the present but without saying him anything before. I was planning to ask him to open it “live” via skype or facetime, just to see his reaction but no, I don’t want to try anything like this now. And I am not texting him until he does, if this happens. We were getting close, getting back our connecton, having fun, and suddenly… Sometimes I think he didn’t want to meet because he lied to me and to himself when he said he is over it and if we met in person he may feel something… When we were together he told me that sometimes when he liked a girl but think he shouldn’t be with her (distance, mainly) he convinced himself that there was nothing to feel. I am afraid that he did the same with me (worst, because we really dated for six months) and he doesn’t want to meet to be consistent and avoid the risk of falling again… I don’t know. I was not being pushy or clingy, on the contrary, after NC I was acting cool (even if I am having an awful time with this and my heart is totally broken) and it worked: the more calm I was, the closer he gets. Now I think everything is lost again. If he is afraid of feeling something and he starts to get distant again…I am damned because I can’t get him back even if he has feelings… I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to loose him but I don’t know how to break his barriers. Any help?
Lynn
July 4, 2017 at 11:34 pm
You are right Amor…but I am kind of desperate… I don’t show him that, as a mtter of fact my friends tell me that he should know that I want him back and how I am feeling but for me that’s a big NO. I am trying to act cool with him, since when I started to be calm and relaxed when we text, he started to feel more comfortable and texting more. But…I feel that he is trying to replace me, not searching for another relationship but he is trying to be more popular on social media, trying to find friends (and finding that not everyone is here for him…until somebody does, and I am afraid of that moment). He received my present and he is going to open it tomorrow (he texted me and told me that he could’t go to pick it up until tomorrow and he is going to tell me when he opens it) and…I just want it to make feel something (it was very hard having it for six months because it arrived a few days after the break up, just after Christmas). I don’t know…I need him to “see” me again but he seems to be forcing himself to not do it…evrytime he gives a step….we were better than ever since the break up and now… I just don’t know what to do. I really feel that he is living in a fantasy world (social media, tv and movies, just that…) in order to think less after our break up and I feel that we were “real”, that I am real, and we belong together…I don’t know, it is a feeling…but I can’t make him see it if he doesn’t want to “look” at it. (And after the break up I commited the awful mistake of tryint to reason with him, great failure, obviously, after NC never tried anything like that again and I never will)
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 4, 2017 at 9:25 pm
Dont overthink. You’re going to act desperate because of that..
gabriela
July 1, 2017 at 7:49 am
so my ex and i dated for 2 years and broke up about 5 months ago and for the first couple of months kept on talking, not always very positively. after a month and a half we met to return our belongings and we had a lot of fun together and kissed at the end while saying (mutually) that we still love each other…
after that nothing really changed and a month and half later we met again (with friends) and i tried to talk to him and kiss him but he pushed me away.
after that i took the nc rule and texted him after 30 days about a movie i saw and thing he would love, and got no response, so i tried again about a week later and told him i think the breakup was a good thing but i would hate to lose the friendship with him.
he responded the day after with a long text saying he thinks it hasnt been enough time, that he wouldnt want to lose our friendship as well but that his last experience of me wasnt very positive and he doesnt want it to repeat itself. so i replied that i understand and i am not resenting him anymore and that i won’t push him to talk to me.
17 days after that i texted him about a funny dream i had that made me remember how much i just love talking to him (nothing to do with a relationship, but as aperson). he did not respond at all, and that was 2 weeks ago.
i will mention that i have been working really hard on improving myself and i did post a lot of fun and social experiences i took part of on facebook, and even wrote a post about overcoming a breakup for my freshly single friends, and he actually liked it
so all in all i am confused
is there anything i can do now?
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 4, 2017 at 8:26 pm
Hi Gabriela
Try a 45 day nc, continue being more active in your life even after nc and then dont use a memory text again..go out with others too