The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Lissa

September 17, 2020 at 11:02 am

My boyfriend of 8 months has broke up with me, due to the stresses of a big court case against a family member and him not coping well with it we had a massive tow a week before but sorted things out the two weeks he has been really struggling and crying all the time, so Tuesday he msgd me that he thinks it’s best we spilt up as it’s not fair on me and my daughter not knowing what mood he is in or if he is coming over or not, that it’s not what he wants to do but what he has to do to get himself better and dirt himself out, he says it’s hard because he Loves me but needs to sort this out in his head and life at the moment is impossible, and he needs to be alone, I understand this but it’s so hard I don’t know what to do I love him he loves me but life is hard for him x

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 18, 2020 at 3:05 pm

Hi Lisa, it sounds as if he is just not doing great at the moment. While that may not sound like a good reason to end a relationship, it makes sense that he wants this time alone to sort out his own mind and emotions. If you can complete a 30 day no contact and then start reaching out to your ex you can start following the program. Read more articles to help you with the program

AIRA CAMILLE JACINTO

September 3, 2020 at 5:32 am

Hi good day!

My boyfriend and i broke up last August 30, 2020. I initiate the break up because i felt he is very cold with our relationship, and guess what he agreed on my decision. He said we need to focus more with our children (we have failed relationship before with our past partner). He wants me to focus more with my children and he will focus with his children too. He also want me to go back with my ex husband to have a happy family. But he’s all i want now. I dont have feelings with my ex husband anymore. I want him back but he refused. I wish NC RULE effect to him to get back to me. I will start today. Thank u

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 7, 2020 at 9:54 pm

Hey Aira, it will take more than just NC to work to get your ex back, it is just stage one of the program. You need to work on yourself, show him you are more than happy with your life with your children. Use social media to show you are living a good life

Nataly

August 31, 2020 at 3:44 pm

Hi 🙂

I broke up with my bf 3 months ago but we remained friends. I am still in love with him and last time we met he told me that he dont want relationship. Is it late now to use this No Contact rule?
I really want him back…

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 31, 2020 at 6:38 pm

Hey Nataly, not it is not too late to go into a NC

AnonymousJ

August 21, 2020 at 6:36 am

My boyfriend of over 5 years broke up with me out of the blue the same day that we were viewing a house we had paid to reserved etc to move in to. He said he didn’t want to end it and felt confused but he just didn’t feel the same anymore and doesn’t know why. But he still loves me so so much and I’m the best thing to ever happen to him.
We didn’t go straight in to no contact there was a lot of discussion and he was understanding as to why I was confused. I found out he had taken a girl to the beach (she is 7 years younger than him she is 19) and we ended up arguing about this as he has been messaging her whilst we were together and it upset me just cause he was hiding it. I trust him and trusted that they were just friends I just didn’t want him to feel like he had to hide it. He told me the only reason he went to the beach with her was because he missed me was fed up of feeling sad and regretting what he did. Anyway, after all the arguing and getting my stuff back we are now 12 days no contact. I can’t help but worry about him and this other girl but she moves away for uni next month. My birthday is in 2 weeks, if he messages me happy birthday do I ignore or do I just say thank you? What should I do in general here any advice would be appreciated as I’m heartbroken and was about to get the house I thought we would start having kids in.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 27, 2020 at 1:21 pm

Hey there, so you need to completed a 45 days No Contact and ignore a birthday message too.

Skylar

August 19, 2020 at 9:27 pm

I’m 2 weeks into NC and have my ex blocked. He reached out to my friend to ask me to call him. I didn’t. Then he called from a different number and I answered not knowing it was him. I wasn’t prepared and just told him I wasn’t ready to talk and that I’ll call him when I am ready. Do I need to start all over?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 27, 2020 at 1:38 pm

Hi Skylar, you need to unblock him and then follow the NC again from day 1

Catryna

August 18, 2020 at 11:55 am

Hi Shaunna,

my partner of nearly 7 years with a little girl broke up with me a month ago after he lost his mum to cancer. I was there when she died and was really supportive but after she died he kept going out alot and we were non stop arguing. We don’t live together and up until recently he’s been sending me alot of mixed messages. One minuete reminding me that we’re not together and other times telling me how much he loves me. Sometimes always calling and texting me then other times I don’t hear from him until i initiate contact. I’m feeling really needy and annoying and verrrry anxious! Do you think we still have a chance? X

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 2, 2020 at 7:12 pm

I think he is going through some grieving stages which is why he is blowing hot and cold. However, if you want to get him back then you are going to have to go into a limited no contact, this would be where you only speak to him about your child (if there is an emergency and arranging pick up/drop off when he sees her) You avoid spending time with him, you stop answering his calls. If he reaches out to you about general conversation you need to ignore him for 30 days. And read some more articles to help you through the program, especially ones where you share a child.

Vi

July 31, 2020 at 10:15 am

Hi Chris, I’ve been doing the no contact rule for almost a week with my ex bf. The thing is we live together, so i only respond to the conversation he initiated. However, he talks to me quiet often regardless its short convo. Thing is, he has a girlfriend, which is the reason we broke up.
I want him back and I don’t want to be only his housemate. Is this effective enough? How to make him feels he lost me?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 31, 2020 at 10:31 am

Hey Vi, if he has a girlfriend then you are going to have to read and learn about the being there method. I would suggest that you avoid conversations with him. The limited no contact when living together means you only speak to him about shared responsibilities, small talk is breaking the rules of No Contact. You need to either go to your room to avoid him or go out as much as you can to just not be spending time with him at the moment.

Elsie

July 29, 2020 at 1:51 am

I received a breakup email a few days ago. I haven’t replied.
* Should I reply or go straight to the no contact rule?
* what if he never contacts me again? Is that considered case lost? Do I contact him after 30 days?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 31, 2020 at 12:46 pm

Hi Elsie, you can reply to the email stating that you agree and think it is best that you break up too and then you go straight into NC and then reach out with a text that Chris suggests in 30 days

Charlene

July 28, 2020 at 11:54 pm

Hi. I suspected that my boyfriend is cheating on me since he was not answering my phone calls after work lately. I went to his place without his knowledge yesterday night and found him with another girl. We argued and I slapped him once and he said I must leave and I left. Now he blocked me on watsup and Facebook, am just not sure about calls because I don’t want to call him now. We have 4 months dating. Should I do a No Contract Rule and if so for how long?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 31, 2020 at 12:47 pm

Hi Charlene, yes you need to go into a NC and you need to stick with it for 45 days. To be honest the fact that you slapped him I would suggest that you focus on moving forward with your life than trying to get him back

Yumi

July 22, 2020 at 4:00 pm

Hi,

Me and my boyfriend had a huge fight last July 6,2020 because I was so angry with just little things it came to my mouth that I wanted to break up with him I was so shocked that he agreed. Days passed our argument was intense cause I have told his mother he’s using drugs. He was so angry and he doesnt want to reconcile. I tried to beg he said yes we can make it work but after a day or 2 he was so cold and he said he’s mind’s so full and he still dont know what he wants. I kept on sending him sms but he’s ignoring me til now july 23,2020. My birthday will be on the 25th and he promised to be there and bring his present. I am planning to start NC after my birthday. Will it work?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 25, 2020 at 7:41 pm

Ideally, we would suggest that you go into a No Contact straight away and make plans for your birthday so that you are too busy to see him on that day. But if you do see him that day, then follow the rules of limited no contact, and then go back into a strict no contact after he has left.

Shauna willz

July 14, 2020 at 6:45 pm

Do you take personal comments? I am a very personal person and don’t want my comment published on the site.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 14, 2020 at 8:00 pm

Hey Shauna, to speak with someone privately you would need to look into coaching, but you are also able to give yourself a fake name with your comment if you wanted to. Great name by the way 😉

Kaye

July 13, 2020 at 7:17 pm

My boyfriend and I of 7 months broke up in Feb. then Covid hit so he’s been living an hour and a half away at their family lake house by himself.
We have talked most days since then. I’ve had to initiate all contact. Things go really well and we start to pick up momentum and connection and I ask if we could get together, he says he’ll think about it, then he shuts down and uses excuses. It’s a cycle we’ve been in. We talk, increase connection, I ask to get together, he shuts down and sometimes ignores me and gets mad saying I’m Pestering him, I apologize, over text to make him not mad which is annoying I’m sure…. then it starts again. This makes me feel bad and look desperate!
He had been out of a 9 year relationship a year before we met. They were engaged 2 years of that time and he broke it off. They live in different states and have only spoken once in that time and she is in a new relationship. She tried contacting him on what would have been 10 year anniversary but he ignored her.
He was always timid, took 2 months to kiss me, I had to initiate intimacy, veeerrry close to twin brother, lives with him and his wife and newborn after he moved back. We would fight if he was late bc of helping them, he put them first over our relationship! He often talked about things his ex did that annoyed him. When I try to talk to him about things he says he is not going to bicker. But he is a really sweet, kind person. I feel like he’s just been really hurt, or I’m making excuses!? Is also feel like he may be an Avoidant, he matches a lot of the criteria!!! I’m usually secure but feel I’ve changed to anxious.
Have I ruined my chances In getting him back by talking to him all of the time? I feel like he is done and annoyed by me. Should I move on or keep trying? Help!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 5, 2020 at 10:26 pm

Hi Kaye, I don’t think you have ruined your chances but I think that you do need to start following the program and you are right that he appears to be an avoidant. I think if you spend some time working on yourself and not talking with him long enough to give him time to miss you and stop asking for the meet up as it is clear that you want to get back with him. Just allow conversation to keep going and let it appear that it is his idea to grab a coffee (short meet ups at first)

Piper-Connor

July 8, 2020 at 6:52 am

My joyfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago after five (almost six) months of being together. The reasoning for the break-up was that it was unhealthy for both of us, the first week I begged them to come back, that I’ll change, and that we could do it right this time, but they refused, saying that they weren’t ready for a relationship.
Surprisingly after only five months of dating, we had a real connection, we even told each other things we had never told anyone before. We really were in love, shocking considering the amount of time we had been together.
We kept in contact for another week up until now, and they told me that they don’t love me romantically from what they’ve figured out. I’m wondering, will the no contact rule still work in my situation, or are my chances of getting back together with them helpless?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 25, 2020 at 2:56 pm

Hey Piper there is a chance but you need to make your ex view you in a more romantic lighting again. This is something that you will need to work on over time. Complete your NC and work on your Holy Trinity for now, and read the articles to prepare yourself for the texting phase before it is time to reach out

Victoria

July 3, 2020 at 3:13 pm

Hi! My ex is set to move out of state sometime this month. I have been following the no contact rule for about a week but last time we spoke he said he’d let me know when he was leaving that way we can say our goodbyes. I’m torn because when that time comes I don’t want to break the no contact but I also want to say my goodbye since he is moving far. I’m not sure which route would be best. What do you think? Thanks for the help in advance!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 4, 2020 at 10:39 pm

Hey Victoria, you need to stick with your No Contact, and read about how to get a long distance ex back. There are articles on the website to help you with this

Melanie

June 30, 2020 at 4:43 pm

I don’t know if I saw this answered in the no contact post but what if after the allotted time (30 days probably), they have not reached out or tried to contact you at all? What do you do at that point?

Thanks in advance for your help!!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 1, 2020 at 9:39 pm

Hey Melanie, after you have completed your No contact you move on to the texting phase

Kaylee

June 27, 2020 at 8:20 pm

My fiancée of 6 years broke up with me yesterday we have two kids together. He basically kicked me out of the house with our kids over an argument that I believe it didn’t have to go that far but it did. He said horrible things to me and I’m so hurt. I left to my moms and the following morning I texted him explaining what I thought about our fight and if I did something wrong to forgive me. However, he said more mean things and blocked me. Reading your article has made me feel better and I feel like I have the courage to ignore him even though it’s so hard ! What’s your advice when there’s kids involved specially when they love their dad so much and ask me when we’re going home. Thank you.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 27, 2020 at 9:45 pm

Hi Kaylee, you need to follow a limited no contact, there are a few articles on this website to help you with how to deal with children during a break up

anonymous

June 26, 2020 at 2:14 pm

Hello! Thank you for this lovely article. I am wondering how NC works with snapchat. I don’t plan on replying to any snaps, but is it ok for me to open them? It’s a little different from texting because they can see when and if I opened it (then it disappears), whereas texting I can ignore them and the message is still there.
Anonymous

June 11, 2020 at 7:48 pm

I got into a fight with my fiance and I broke up with him after 3 days I regret it and begged him to stay with me he said he would think about it I called him and he invited me over for dinner every thing was fine and we got back together after 3 days I got mad at him over a situation we had he got mad and kicked me out of his house. I gave him 5 days to cool off contacted him and he said he no longer wanted to be with me. I the n proceeded to beg and plea emails text and nothing he finally packed my things from his house after 2 weeks (so i could not do no contact until I got my things)I picked them up and He asked for the ring back I said I could not give it to him yet because it was too painful so I would another day, his reply was “I am not going to see you another day the ring is expensive and I want to sell it” at that point I was so hurt I just kept rambling how hurt I was and he said “you know what keep it” and walked off and left me there. I am doing no contact for 40 days before reaching out but how about if he really is done with me he was really mean and even yelled at me that he dis not love me anymore but I don’t understand how he could stop loving me after 2 months of is getting engaged. His reasoning for breaking up was that I was crazy did not give his space.
Carmen

June 10, 2020 at 6:36 pm

I’m assuming the NC rule includes “liking” any social media posts…?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 11, 2020 at 1:25 pm

Yes Carmen, it includes watching their social media at all

Hope

June 9, 2020 at 11:11 pm

Hi EBR team!
My ex and I dated 1.5 years and broke up 5 months ago. We lived together and talked about marriage and kids, we adopted a dog together and as such I couldn’t start NC right away after the break up. I did successfully complete NC and he reached out around 45 days. That was a month ago and we have talked on and off for the entire month since. He has made comments about the future but doesn’t seem to want to commit now, he just keeps repeating “I don’t know what I want”. I have invited him to spend an afternoon with the dog and I but he has resisted and doesn’t seem to want to move forward to in-person contact. Then a few days ago he said again “he doesn’t know what he wants” and I told him I had a date with someone else and since then he has reached out a few times but I have ignored him, entering in a second period of NC because he seems to need more time to make up his mind about what he wants. My question is what do I do from here? Do I complete another NC now that he knows I’m dating so he may be more likely to move forward with me? Or should I answer his messages even though it feels like he just keeps dragging me around and not commuting? Thank you so much for your help!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 16, 2020 at 11:40 pm

Hey Hope, yes complete a NC let him think you are dating and doing you. Ignore any messages he sends you during your NC unless it asking you to get back together.

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6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”