The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Marie

August 6, 2013 at 9:36 am

Hey Guys. This is going to be a very long and complicated story. I just really need son insights.
My boyfriend of six years just broke up with me less than three weeks ago. I’ve just come back from studying abroad for six months. We moved in together right away and had been living together for four weeks when he broke up. The last week he wasn’t home at all and it really hurt me. When he got home, he would sit up three-four hours after I’d gone to bed. I decided to leave him a note where I mentioned how I felt and asked if there was something I could do different and so on. Being very open and concerned, not blaming him at all. On the day he broke up, he talked about how he think he might suffer from depression and what I thought. I said I’d be there for him and do everything I could to help. He told me he might go visit his mom the next week, so he could think. I accepted that. Two hours later, he points to my note and says we need to talk about it. He starts talking about a lot of stuff from the past year. Stuff he never mentioned to me, hurt him. He talks about it as if trying to come to a solution and then he suddenly says there’s this girl and mutual interest and he just can’t do this anymore. That everything’s just too much. He’s crying heavily, as am I. We hug multiple times and we split up. He’s done this thing with everything being too much before. I visited him back them and we figured it out. He needed space and we needed to solve some issues. After we got back together he often said, it was the biggest mistake of his life and that he was happy we’d gotten back together. Two days after the breakup this time I texted him, saying I missed him. He said he missed me too. We texted back and forth all day. I mentioned how we’d solved it before and how I hoped we could do it again. He seemed open to talking about it and shared his concerns. Then he said he needed some time and I accepted that. I kept a very mild, caring and understanding tone throughout. Then I tried not contacting him. He wrote me two days later saying we needed to end the contract for the apartment. I told him I didn’t know what I wanted yet. The next day I asked if we could meet up. He agreed but we didn’t agree on a date, since I said I had to go, as to not seem desperate. The next morning he’d texted me if we could meet up the same afternoon. I didn’t respond right away but ended up going. I acted very pleasant and as if I was doing alright. He acted as if we were still together. Complimenting me, eager to tell my everything he’d been doing, showing me stuff, asking for help to look for an apartment, saying stuff like I distracted him sitting in my skirt on the couch (he always used to say stuff like that) and he kept questioning me – what had I been doing, how was I, why couldn’t I make it earlier today, why did I have to go now, did I have a date and so on. When we said goodbye we hugged and he kissed my neck. The same evening he texted me and asked if I was fine with everything because it seemed like it. I still didn’t contact him and only answered when he contacted me. Two days later he said he’d found my bike, because it had been moved and he’d looked all over for it. He then asked if I wanted to stop by. I agreed, after some time, not seeming eager. This time I felt sad and had a hard time putting up a happy face. He kept looking at me, looking in my eyes when we talked, he pulled off his shirt and asked if I could see he’s been working out, he asked for massage and handmassage (something I used to do for him) I agreed. He offered me, but I declined. He still complimented me like last time and teased me, by not moving if I needed to pass him. On the other hand he mentioned the apartment. Asked if I’d figured out what I wanted and which furniture I wanted. He also told me he found it strange not seeing me every day and that he thought a lot about me and how I was doing. When I left he kissed my forehead. Oh, and he asked why I didn’t wear his ring. (I’ve worn it every single day since he gave it to my at our 1 year anniversary) the next day he went to the movies with his female colleague to watch a movie he’d forbidden me to watch, so we could watch it together. BTW he’s moved back to our place and I’m still at my mom’s. A couple of days in a row I asked if I could borrow the couch. I never did though, as he apparently sleeps everywhere else than our place. And I was trying to get some alone time with him. One day I went to the apartment wanting to sleep on the couch. He said he was going to his cousin’s place. Well, one of the issues is that I never feel like having sex. Never. We haven’t had sex for over a year.. so I suggested we shower together, since we both had to shower and that’s something he’d always suggest. He said he’d leave the door unlocked, so I undressed and joined him to show him that my wanting to have sex has reappeared since I came home from studying abroad. Afterwards we gave each other naked bodymassage and cuddled. He didn’t kiss me at all, so I couldn’t have sex with him. I was scared it’d just be sex. Suddenly he had to go because he was offered a ride. He texted me later and apologized. I tried being very understanding and accepting. Two days later I asked if we could meet up. He said he had plans. The next day he asked me about the apartment and I decided to be honest and tell him I still thought we could make it work. We talked about it for a while and he seemed positive. Suddenly his whole attitude changed and he started blaming me, saying it would be catastrophic and horrendous to give it another try if it didn’t work out. I felt so hurt I just said okay and told him if was right and I give up. Then he continued about the apartment. I wanted to keep it, but he wanted another place he’d been offered. For him to get it, we had to leave our apartment. He kept acting as if it was my problem and is if I was being a bitch. I still tried to keep a nice tone and being understanding. Well, suddenly he sends me this long text about how I’d basically be the reason he’d have to drop his studies and start working for the rest of his life, if I did not quit the apartment. I was heartbroken and just said I was sorry he was in that position, that I hoped he’d find a solution, but that it was his decision to leave me. He then called me and wanted to talk about it. I told him I was busy, felt like he didn’t mind my feelings at all and that he was being harsh. He wanted to know what I was doing. I just told him I was busy, again, and hung up. Hours later he texted me “what is it you expect from me?” I answered this morning, four days later, telling him I was sorry about how I reacted on the phone and sorry I hadn’t responded earlier, but that I tried not thinking about all this even though it’s hard and he means a lot to me. Oh, and when he called me and blamed me and so on, I ended up terminating the contract for our apartment as he wanted. He pushed me there and I regret. He hasn’t mentioned anything about it, not even a thank you. Just after the phone call, I took off for another country. I’m staying here for two weeks and am planning on not checking my phone before I return home. I’ve asked my mom to pick up my clothes, toiletstuff and plants at the apartment. She did so yesterday. Even though he said he’d pack up his stuff immediately, he hasn’t packed a single thing and he’s still staying at out apartment. I am hurting so bad and feeling so confused as to what’s happened. Why he’s acting the way he is. Sending me mixed signals. I don’t know if its the depression or what’s going on. I just know I believe in us. I believe we can have the perfect relationship. What to you think about it all?

admin

August 7, 2013 at 2:49 am

Hahaha pretty complicated story there.

I am a little confused. Are you technically still together or did you breakup?

I think your plan of not checking your phone for two weeks is smart.

jenna

August 6, 2013 at 7:01 am

Hi Chris,

I posted here a few weeks ago about my situation–my ex from 2 years ago has been keeping regular monthly contact with me, I still have feelings for him, but he now has a girlfriend. So I (tried) to go no-contact and haven’t done so well (I only lasted 19 days). He initiated a text again a few days ago and I caved, though my replies were shorter than his and were impersonal. He then asked me if I’ve come back to my hometown yet(where he is), something he’s always asked me during school breaks. This is about the 5th time he’s asked and I replied “Not yet”.

At this point, I’m not sure what to make of it, because the 2 times I actually was back home he didn’t extend the question of hanging out. Do you think he really wants to see me and want to ask to hang out? Or is he asking just because he’s bored? How do I go from here?

Thanks again!

admin

August 7, 2013 at 2:38 am

I vote he really wants to see you! I wouldn’t do stuff like that to a girl I didn’t like.
jenna

August 7, 2013 at 6:04 am

Thanks Chris! My next course of action really depends on his feelings for me and I don’t know what they are. The thing is, I feel a couple things are working against us and I don’t know whether to overlook them. :

1. He might actually REALLY want to be just friends–our texting over the last 2 years have been very impersonal and he’s never sounded flirty or anything. Always just “hi, how are you” exchange. Wouldn’t he have broached the subject of us hanging out the last 5 times he’s asked me when I’m back?

2. He went back to his ex after we ended and has been with her for 2 years. I read your article about rebounds and although he got back with her quickly, 2 years is a bit too long for a rebound right? I love your articles, but if anything, I’m beginning to wonder if I’M the rebound! Only slight edge I might have is that we had plenty of happy memories.

From your objective pov, what do you think I should do next? Start no contact again, stick to it, and NOT reply the next time he asks (and by that time I won’t be coming back til Christmas)? Or initiate a text and ask him to hang out myself?
admin

August 8, 2013 at 2:00 am

How about you do this.

Wait a week of NC (don’t break it no matter what.)

Then you can try to text him and lead into a convo where you ask him out.
jenna

August 8, 2013 at 5:44 pm

Sounds good, I’ll give that plan a try.

Sorry, just one more question: do you think this is a classic case of him wanting his cake and eat it too, or does he have genuine feelings for me?

I have deep feelings for him still but being a homewrecker isn’t exactly on the top of my list of things to do…
admin

August 9, 2013 at 4:38 am

I hear you,

I think he has genuine feelings for you. However, that doesn’t guarantee success.Just want to keep things in perspective for you here.

Dawn

August 6, 2013 at 3:40 am

I was seeing a guy for 3 months who always claimed he never wanted a girlfriend. We never actually had a conversation about it, but I knew this from friends. Our relationship grew a lot more intimate than I ever expected and I know he really liked me and cared about me. I left for a 4 month trip and kept in contact with me and we started seeing each other again when I got home. Things felt the same as before, except one night I saw him out at the bar with another girl. So I just asked him what he was expecting from our relationship, and he freaked out at me claiming he didn’t ever want a girlfriend and we were never going to date, we had become good friends and he was just treating me nice. We still continued seeing each other for a few months until one day he told me he wanted to be my friend because he didn’t want to hurt me by stringing me along since he never wants a girlfriend and he doesn’t want me to hate him. It was also because he was seeing this new girl and didn’t want to get confused. Now he talks about what “if he dates her” type situations, what they will do to stay together when she goes to school. So instead of being accepting of the whole situation, I am envious and super pissed that he is talking about dating this girl when he told me a couple months ago he would NEVER want a girlfriend! Is there any way of getting around this and starting over.. will he ever regret his decision, or do I just accept that I was not the one and move on.

admin

August 6, 2013 at 3:58 am

Do you think the new girl is a rebound?
Dawn

August 6, 2013 at 4:28 am

I thought she was just another girl and a rebound, someone he started seeing cause he was too afraid of getting involved in something too emotional with me… since he has still hooked up with me since breaking it off… But now that he is talking about getting more serious with her, it doesn’t make much sense why he would tell me he never wanted a girlfriend and is now clinging to a relationship with her. Could be but it’s very confusing for me.
admin

August 7, 2013 at 2:02 am

How long did you initially date him for?

If it was for a pretty long time I would say maybe the new girl is making him feel something new and he needs that right now cause deep down he is still hurting from your relationship together.

baffled

August 5, 2013 at 9:30 am

My boyfriend randomly broke up with me not long ago everything was going well. We’ve managed one day of nc on different days but the convos we do have are small talk. I want to use this time to do soulsearching as it stands I’d be willing to try work things out slowly if it came up. From today I’m starting the nc thing only problem is he’s coming to my bday what do I do? Do I disinvite him? His birthday is also coming up after, do I go? I think he got me a present do I get him one?

admin

August 6, 2013 at 3:11 am

Don’t disinvite him just don’t talk to him too much at the party. I think in your case you can go to his party but you have to make sure you keep the convos short, pleasant and short.

Brianna

August 4, 2013 at 5:39 am

Okay.. basically my situation is..
Me and my ex broke up almost a month ago (the situation was due to having not much time based on his schedule but we decided that we were going to stay friends because he said he doesn’t want to lose me and that he’d always love and care about me.).. and tried the no contact rule but he ended up texting me asking how everything was and we got close and had conversations for a bit and one week we stopped talking so much which I just let go, but then.. recently, he’s been texting me before work and after work at night to talk and we’re actually having more conversations and flirting more which in my head I think is a good sign. He’s a very respectable guy and isn’t the type to exactly play someone from what i know of. But he’s even been joking say, like why don’t you come over late at night, and stuff and has been talking about cuddling and all. I don’t know if he’s exactly showing interest in me and I’m not sure what I should do. His friends tell me that he does talk about me but in a good way, (i’m somewhat close with his friends) and they really thought I was good for my ex. Right now they’re telling me they would really like to see us back together (to me) and I’m not exactly sure if they’re hinting something. this whole situation is pretty confusing to me, so what do you think would be the best for me to do?

admin

August 4, 2013 at 11:57 pm

Honestly, I say he is exhibiting feelings towards you. I would go NC and then try.
Brianna

August 4, 2013 at 5:46 am

I also forgot to mention that he’s also been asking me things like “what’d you do today” and in a way has been nosy. I don’t know if that changes anything.

B

August 3, 2013 at 5:39 pm

My boyfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago. Over the past 6 years, we have had many ups and downs. For the majority of our relationship, we were long distance. In the past year, I relocated to be closer to him. Family and friends have been pressuring and asking why he hasn’t proposed. I know he comes from a family where his parents have a horrible marriage and it has made him scared of the idea. We were sitting in my house and I asked him about marriage and he told me he couldn’t give it to me. I freaked out at the time and said a lot of things that I didn’t mean. Long story short, he said its best if we move on. I fought the break up for 6 weeks and made all of the mistakes of asking him back and being needy. He still tells me he’s here for me and will always love me. He gives me mixed signals, one minute he will say that he misses me too and will agree to hang out, to saying that he’s not ready. 2 weeks ago we were planning on meeting up and he told me that he feels like nothing has changed and that he feels that we haven’t had a break to be alone yet since we still text. I have started no contact and it has been so difficult. I have done some soul searching and have realized that I just want to be with him regardless. He is the love of my life and my best friend. I’m unsure of where to go from here. I’m scared that this is it and he isn’t going to contact. I’m at the end of my rope 🙁

B

August 7, 2013 at 3:03 pm

He’s really stubborn, that’s why I’m worried. I feel like nothing is working. I guess this is my last hope. When we were in contact, the minute anything about the relationship would come up he’d shut down. Small talk was fine until he’d tell me that I was texting him too much. I feel so disconnected from him right now. I don’t know if it makes it harder since he basically asked for no contact right now and I agreed.
admin

August 8, 2013 at 2:15 am

Ok, so you know some valuable info about him. You know that he probably isn’t one to contact during NC. You will have to initiate after NC and you will have to really butter him up before talking about relationship stuff.
B

August 14, 2013 at 7:18 pm

I waited 30 days, sent him one of your suggested text examples and zero response. I noticed that he recently re-activated his facebook account that he has not used in over 2 years. I’m pretty sure it’s because he is using it to access Tinder. Sigh 🙁 I guess I have to move on.
admin

August 15, 2013 at 3:31 am

Well shucks that is not good :(.

Ok, take a deep breath this is going to be ok. His inability to respond simply means he doesn’t want to talk to you yet. Go back into NC for a week then try again. If he fails to respond to that text go back into NC for 2 weeks and keep repeating the process adding on a week each time he fails to respond.
admin

August 4, 2013 at 3:14 am

Haha you just started NC. Don’t jump to any conclusions yet.
B

August 4, 2013 at 4:40 am

I know, I fought it and made all of the typical mistakes that women make by totally ignoring his requests for space. I just feel confused and feel like he’s giving me mixed messages? He will go from saying he misses me too and it’s impossible not to miss me, to saying he wants to be alone. He also says that he is always here for me when I need him and that he will always love me. I’m worried. I can’t figure out if he is just confused right now and is giving me just a little bit each time to keep me around or if he really just wants me in the friend zone at some point. What do you think?

Thanks, Chris!
admin

August 4, 2013 at 11:51 pm

I think he is confused.
b

August 6, 2013 at 6:51 pm

I hope so, it’s been 3 weeks of NC now and still haven’t heard a peep out of him. I guess I have to wait one more week before making contact. Is it bad if he hasn’t tried? In Our last conversation, I just agreed that we both needed a break to be alone even though it’s killing me!
admin

August 7, 2013 at 3:05 am

I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Is he really stubborn or just not a guy to make the first move?

Jessica

August 3, 2013 at 9:40 am

Hi Chris,
I’m new here, just found your page few days ago. me and my ex broke up about 2 months ago and we were in a long distance relationship(I’m a taiwanese and he’s an italian)
we had a 9 months relationship together and 3 months long distance relationship. he broke up with me becuase he just didn’t want to go on.

i was sad and depress, i did want to try the NC rule but everytime i started and than HE contacts me. in this 2 months we almost text each other every once in a week.

he did mention before he didn’t want to get back and there’s NO chance for us getting back together.

i’m going to study in italy in sep. my question is, it’s only a month left. me and my ex never did the NC, we basically keep a good “friendship” now, he still says that he loves me, once we called each other on skype he even cried. i got his text 2 days ago telling me that he loves me and the time we had together was great. i didn’t respond cuz i truly don’t know what to say, and i read your page wondering if i should try the NC rule?

thanks

jessica

admin

August 4, 2013 at 2:40 am

I would say yes but are you leaving to study in Italy soon? How long will you be gone?
Jessica

August 4, 2013 at 4:11 am

yes i will be in italy in september, staying there for my master for an year.
admin

August 4, 2013 at 11:46 pm

I would say you can still try NC. Maybe only like 15 days though.

Confused

August 3, 2013 at 1:29 am

Me again! Ok now i’m really paranoid. Ive never asked online advice like this before. I know its silly but OMG what if someone I know or worse…. HIM reads this lol. Please…. IF u post this…. Please take out a couple of the minor details that make it so obviously me. (Age, “neighbor”, etc,,, ). Thanks

admin

August 3, 2013 at 3:32 am

I took out some details for you.

Confused

August 3, 2013 at 12:54 am

I’ve read all around your site the last 2 nights. So much has helped me but I’m still so confused. I will try to keep this simple.
4 1/2 years ago, neighbor begins flirting and asking me out. I want nothing to do with this man. He is not my type at all. In and out of jail, covered in tattoos, drugs, and I’m sure he is only a player. While I’m not an innocent lil angel. He persues me for months, and starts to grow on me, he is witty, funny, handsome, and very big-hearted, he goes above and beyond to help family and friends, he is very likable by everyone. I believe that he is (at least was) truly trying to change his life and get his act together.
Cut to now, over 4 years later… (by the way I’m 50, he’s 40) HE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!! We have lived together a couple short times (2-3 months) until he starts with drugs again and I’m a last priority. I’ve been through 3 parole violation short jail and prison terms with him, staying faithful and true to him ALWAYS. He, on the other hand hasn’t been. He does good for a while, but always ends up back in “the hood” with “the homies” and back using, in which time I seldom hear from him.
I know this relationship has been “over” for quite a long time, and I know he is not healthy for me, and I know I need to end it completely. But I TRULY LOVE HIM AND AM IN LOVE WITH HIM! Part of me is still hoping for that miracle, that he will grow up one day, and truly settle down. His family has told me in the past I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, he has said the same thing to me.
And still, he will not let me go. I’ve told him I am done, I cant do this anymore, and he tells me “it’s not over” but it is, it has been for some time now. He keeps contact with text messages, he tries to meet up with me occasionally. I’m definatly his safety net, I’m the normalcy in his life, I’m the one who has always been there for him when no one else was, until lately. I’ve been doing my darnest to try to make him believe I’m done, I’m not there for him anymore, and I’m moving on. I believe he doesn’t want me (or is scared of this life or just not ready to give up the party life yet) but he wont let me go either. He came by a few days ago, and I hadn’t seen him in 3 months (but there had been calls and text messages) He looked great, and was clean and sober. But for how long?
I’ve tried the NC rule, but I can never stick to it. Does it stand a chance of doing ANY good in my situation????

Thank you

admin

August 3, 2013 at 3:31 am

Why do women go after the bad boys? It’s always the bad boys that get all the girls hahahaha.

Funny story, I have actually tried to be a “bad boy” to get chicks and it doesn’t work out because I am just too much of a “nice guy.” I have just accepted it and don’t care anymore.

Anyways, I read your story and it made me think “wow, this guy really has a secret power over you to just pull you back in every single time.”

I think the NC rule will do good in your situation for sure. However, you always seem to break the NC rule so you never see the benefits.
Confused

August 3, 2013 at 6:44 am

Im going to reallllllly try this time… And I’m going to shoot for a little longer than 30 days….. I think it needs a little extra in this case. Always being there for him has not worked. So maybe I need to do a complete 180. lol. Thank u for your reply
admin

August 4, 2013 at 2:32 am

No problem… Confused (hahaha I will call you that from now on!)

Andrey

August 3, 2013 at 12:01 am

HI! Here’s my story. My ex and I were together for almost a year. The relationship was great at first, but then started moving in another direction when my ex would drink alcohol. He started fighting with me over everything and even things he made up in his head. It was almost like dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. To be honest, I am in my mid 30’s, single mom, and really want to have a family. I think I kept him around longer than I should’ve because I always cherish the good times. It wasn’t all bad, obviously. Even though I may be better off without him, its still toug and at first I definitely wanted him back. We broke up 3 weeks ago and have had sex twice since. He tells me he loves me and wants me one minute and the next he says he’s confused. We’ve talked almost everyday until recently. I decided to stop plating his “I don’t know what I want game” bc I knew he was having his cake and eating it too. Today I made him get his things and he lingered and hugged me a lot as I got upset. Couldnt help it. My heart is bigger than my brain. I recently found out he’s having financial trouble and at that time said that was the real reason he doesn’t want to be in a relationship now. Then its bc we fight. To make a long story short, he’s all over the place with everything except being fully commited to this relationship. And each time I back off he pulls me back in enough to give me hope. I need to do the NC for me but I also need a support group! Any suggestions, insight is welcome. Also curious if money plays factors in a man’s abilities to have a relationship and why he can’t seem to make up his mind or give me one good real reason and stick by it. He told me today that “I am the best thing that’s ever happened to him” what???? I’m so confused, heartbroken, and angry. Going out tonight with friends. Day 1

admin

August 3, 2013 at 3:25 am

So, your ex is giving you all kinds of mixed signals and it is screwing with your head eh!

The no contact is important for you for sure but I would say do a trial run of a week just to see what happens.

As for money, I can’t speak for him but when it comes to money I would feel like a failure if I had financial trouble. It puts a lot of stress and money is kind of an ego thing for guys. For example, a guy who is making 10 grand a month is going to go to a local bar and feel like a stud b/c he probably makes more than everyone there. It’s an ego thing.
Andrey

August 3, 2013 at 8:26 pm

Thank you for your reply and support! It means so much to me! I plan to log my days for you and your readers. And yes, MIXED SIGNALS! Yesterday I didn’t contact him at all (day 1) & I went out lastnight and had fun. At midnight I got a text “I need you :'(” from him but I didn’t respond. I knew it was another attempt at getting me confused again. Today, (day 2) I woke wanting to text him something back, but I didn’t. He hasn’t texted me yet again either. Honestly, it made me feel good that he sent me that text. It a little easier to deal. But I have no intention on contacting him. I need this for me! I know one of two things will happen A) I get over him to move on or B) I get over him to get him back and the relationship back on track. Watching Eat, Pray, Love today and might go out again tonight. *And I totally agree on money issue. Yet I told him that I’d love him regardless. And I would. So that’s still confusing. But I know a person can’t feel good about a rtelationship if they don’t feel good about themselves. Unfortuately, my heart got broke in this mess!
admin

August 4, 2013 at 3:24 am

Eat Pray Love…

I have a funny story…. I live in Texas and back in 2008 we got hit by a hurricane called IKE. The power was out for a week. No computer, TV, Video Games or cell phone chargers. All I had was a flashlight and my mom’s book called Eat Pray Love. I read the whole thing out of sheer boredom. Yes, the actual book.

Can’t say I was a huge fan of it but I enjoyed some parts.
Andrey

August 3, 2013 at 12:04 am

Excuse my grammer errors. I’m using my phone so it was difficult to type this and may even seem confusing

Lisa

August 2, 2013 at 9:37 pm

I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 5 years. For the past few years, it has been an absolute nightmare!!We spent more time fighting, until at some point, we were talking only about 2-3 times a year. It’s all fine when we are together, but once I am away, it’s like he just can’t be bothered to keep in touch. We always had one of those rocky on/off relationship and until this year it became more convenient not to keep in touch, as talking was way more awkward. The reason I initiated the NC rule is because I called him about a problem I had and i was crying and he just left the phone on, without saying a word. It’s been 2 months since we stopped talking and he did not apologise. The NC rule was more for me to move on, as i can’t accept to be treated as such…. but i still have a soft corner for me. But my main concern, if he ever initiates contact is, what should i do??????? I have no idea!! should i just ignore him or act all casual and cool??

Many thanks for your help.

admin

August 3, 2013 at 3:16 am

In order for me to answer that I need to know your goals. Do you want him back or do you want to just move on from him.

If you want him back I say you can engage in a convo with him.

If not, then there is no reason to respond to him.

sadperson

August 2, 2013 at 3:41 am

.. SIGH … Im writing in, just like everyone else.. with a story.. thats much like everyone elses..

my boyfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks ago.. we were on a “break” for about a week or so.. and he called it quits when he came back from his vacation. we went to dinner and i asked him to spend the night.. and well, he just layed on my bed and said it was over. He said it wasnt me that I am perfect, beautiful and amazing. he said he just isnt happy with his life and who he is.. at first, i thought there was someone else, but.. there isnt. At first i thought this was his way of breaking up with me when he deep down didnt like me at all. He said he just wanted to be friends and that he would be there for me. I took it hard, I called and cried for a while. Friends said just give him time… others said, its not worth it. I love him, I’ve never loved anyone this much.. I’m 30 years old and have been close to marriage twice. He is 28. We have been dating for about 8 months.. I saw he wanted space about 2 months before this whole thing, and i backed off.. and became very understanding.. but it wasnt good enough.

He had been speaking for the past 3 weeks.. we never fight.. i just cry and tell him i miss him and for a while he did too, said he missed me and loves me, but that we arent getting back together, and that he doesnt see a future with me.. which i found harsh and heart breaking…

I decided 2 days ago to start this NC rule.. he texted me last night ” Hey I just wanted to hope your week is well, going to bed now” .. I didnt respond.. but .. I dont know what to think .. My brain is mush and my life is falling apart. :{

admin

August 3, 2013 at 2:50 am

I am glad you wrote in! A lot of people don’t have the guts to do that.

I am proud of you for implementing NC! I know it feels like your life is falling apart but look at the NC time period as an opportunity to evolve into someone he would be crazy not to want back.

Tini

August 1, 2013 at 12:26 pm

First of all thank you so much for your advices.
Me and my boyfriend recently decided to end it. We met 3 months ago first month was great and its was hitting off so well. Last months was horrible, he was putting in less time and effort because he was so busy with school, work and sport training. When we broke up I asked him what was the reason that made him change he said he thinks it started off as infatuation and overtime feelings reduced and reduced. Because he said it was infatuation, is there really any chance to getting back with him?

admin

August 2, 2013 at 2:07 am

I think so but only as long as you stay strict to everything on this page.

sasha

August 1, 2013 at 11:18 am

hello,i broke up again with my ex twice.we been together 5 months the we broke up one month but still in contact then we came back together then now broke again,he is drink a lot but a inteligente man,good worker but when he drink he is not nice and he knows that.We were happy,he told me he loved me he were happy,he wanted a child with with me and he offered me a ring for our commitment bt then he wanted to break because we were argue sometimes.During our firts break we stay fiend but we had strong feeling its why we came back but few weeks he changed one night when he were drunk,he mess up in public…am lost i really want him back and be happy like in the beginning but he get mad stressfull,he said its over,to leave him alone,he doenst know if he love me ,he told me this: i dont hate you but if you continue to texto me i would,just give us a space for a while and we still be friends.After this message i was angry see that the man who loved me a lot just lose the love so quickly,i get angry i told him am done because i found everything is lost.We argue by texting and cutting contact brutally by texto,i was so angry that i tried everuthing but he still pushed me way,few days he just offered me again a perfume but wanted me as friend,i dont understand.To keep my ego since 3 days no contact .please do you think he still love me or he will come back?Thank you

admin

August 2, 2013 at 2:04 am

I think you should try the NC rule!

Emily

July 31, 2013 at 10:12 pm

My bf of 2yrs broke up w me thru text. This is his text(….I need to take a break from us, I’ve realized that I can’t be the kinda man that you need me to be, my hearts not in it and my mind has been somewhere else and I don’t want to keep pushing you away and hurting you by being distant). I didnt reply and its been days and he hasnt contacted me again. When we was just talking about moving in together in a couple months. At the start of the relationship, he said he wanted the same things as me, to settle down and start a life w someone. We are both in our 30’s, i was ready to start the next level in my life w him. Also his idea to move in together. What does he mean by my heart isn’t in it? Does that mean he just isn’t in love me anymore. So do i just sit back and say nothing to him and just see if he contacts me 1st?

admin

August 1, 2013 at 5:30 am

I think it’s best not to jump to any conclusions. Here is what I hear when I read that text.

“I’ve lost my feelings for you.”

Usually a guy will say that when he gets a little bored in the relationship. Luckily, you can do something about that. You are right to go NC but what you do during it is what really matters.
Emily

August 1, 2013 at 6:35 am

What should I be doing during the NC? I really don’t want to lose him and would love for him to come back to me on his own…
admin

August 1, 2013 at 6:52 pm

Think about how you can improve yourself. Workout, mentally prepare, look hot. Just become the sexiest version of you ever.
Emily

August 1, 2013 at 10:53 pm

Well I started back the gym already, so I guess I am on the right track then:)

Lucina

July 31, 2013 at 3:52 pm

Hi thanks a lot for this page… I wish I had found it earlier cause I’ve been begging for two weeks after I cheated on him and no hope. ( I’m so scared he’ll find some one else 🙁 ) anyway I’m on my 2nd day of the NC period n I’m going crazy I think about him all the time. I disconnected my facebook because I know I would be stalking his page. Should I have dun that? I blocked him on msn and deleted him from watsapp. But my question is what if I run into him during the NC period how should I handle it? I don’t want to be rude but we sing together and we have a show coming up, we normally perform dancing close? Should I do this? I need help because I think my situation is hard.

admin

August 1, 2013 at 5:16 am

Hi, I wouldn’t have disconnected anything. I actually put a long post together on how to “ex proof” your Facebook page to paint you in the best light. Nevertheless, if you want to run into him you don’t want to have any confrontations. You want the interaction to be simple, pleasant and short. Don’t just ignore him. Say hi and keep it simple but don’t ask him how he has been doing. Just talk about general things. If he steers the convo to your relationship say “Hey, I am really sorry but I am not ready to talk about it just yet.” If he gets angry or tries to ignore you don’t take it personal at all.
Lucina

August 1, 2013 at 2:10 pm

ok can you please send me that link on how to ex proof my Facebook page, would this help me to get him back? im afraid i may facebook stalk him what if he posts hurtful posts what should i do?
admin

August 1, 2013 at 7:07 pm

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-definitive-guide-to-using-facebook-to-get-your-ex-boyfriend-back/
Lucina

August 1, 2013 at 7:48 pm

ok thanks so much!! will keep u updated!
Lucina

August 1, 2013 at 6:12 pm

OMG! Chris my Ex just came by my work place I froze!! He told me he can’t cut me out of his life and he just wanted to say that.. we hugged and he left! what am I so pose to do? Did I break the no contact rule? should I start over? ( I’m only in day 3) what to do? I NEED EXTRA HELP NOW!!!
admin

August 1, 2013 at 6:50 pm

Hahaha Awesome!

Don’t break it just keep on keeping on.

Jaime

July 30, 2013 at 9:06 pm

So my bf broke up with me about a month and a half ago. We were together for 3 years, we talked children even had a boys name picked out, I am 34 he is 31. He is a great guy, owns his own business, has a great heart but our biggest issue was that he didn’t know how to balance working crazy hours, spending time with friends and spending couple time together. We rarely did anything by ourselves together, he constantly needed to have friends around, he has always been like that and that is what ruined his last 4 yr relationship, she gave him an ultimatum that it was his friends or her, needless to say he chose the friends. Then he was only single for 3 months before we got together. He also had a really really hard time communicating, I could never tell him if I was bothered with something in our relationship he always tried to push it off and say its not the right time etc… All of these things have been going on for a long time and I think he finally realized he didn’t know how to change things so he ended it. He told me that he loves me and always will love me, that I am such a wonderful person, that he didn’t want to do this but he had to do this because he knew I wasn’t happy and he hates knowing that he has hurt me. The thing is I still love him and want to try and figure us out, I have only been able to go a week without texting him and I just started the no contact rule after I saw him about 10 days ago cuz I was having car troubles and it was a casual meeting I didn’t talk relationship stuff but when we hugged bye I said I miss you and he said I miss you too, I could hear the sadness in his voice and the way he looked at me that it was hard. It just makes me sad because if we both love and miss each other I don’t see why we aren’t trying to figure things out. I think he needs time to figure out who he is, he has been in long relationships most of his life and I don’t think he has found himself cuz he was always with someone. I have a gut feeling we will get back together and maybe this needs to happen to make us stronger but I don’t know. I just miss my best friend. All his friends had become my friends and I pretty much lost all of them in this process as well, I didn’t grow up in this area so I don’t have many solid friends out here.

admin

July 31, 2013 at 2:27 am

I think the fact that you have a gut feeling that says you will get back together eventually is a good thing!

Why don’t you try out the no contact rule?
Jaime

July 31, 2013 at 7:20 pm

That’s what I started to do, it’s been about 10 days. I know he wanted that anyways, right when we broke up I told him the hardest thing was going to not be able to text or call him etc and he said he didn’t mind if I contacted him but he couldn’t promise that he would respond and that he wasn’t trying to be a d*ck but he read that the best way to heal is to have no contact for awhile. I would go maybe like 7 days and then I’d contact him, well I got rear ended like a week after we broke up and he was the only person I could think to call and of course he was like “where are you? Are you ok?” And I was, so I told him I was fine but just frazzled. Anyways I want to try and shoot for at least 2 months of no contact it won’t be easy but I’m trying to just stay busy. Just knowing that he misses me and loves me makes it hard because I don’t understand why we wouldn’t try. But maybe this will be the best thing for us, who knows.
admin

August 1, 2013 at 5:27 am

We are all here supporting you Jaime!
Jaime

August 1, 2013 at 6:58 pm

Thank you! It has been very difficult but I know I have to do this for my own good! I still sometimes feel like it’s all been a nightmare!
admin

August 2, 2013 at 2:17 am

I understand how you feel. I think mostly everyone on this site does.

Monica

July 30, 2013 at 7:37 pm

I recently broke it off with my boyfriend of nine months. We have a special bond. One with a special mental connection. We are the only ones that know each other best. The relationship has been rocky due to our own lifes struggles that we have let impact our relationship. This past month I realized I put on too much emotional stress on him that it literally wore him out. He also did something that treated me bad and when I laid on him what he did he broke down and was devastated. In this relationship, he has put me on back burner and I have fully acknowledged this. I also had made a choice to be supportive while he goes through his personal struggles and figures things out. It worked for a while but I ended up giving too much in the relationship and he took. It’s okay to take what people give but he was not putting much effort into the relationship and I started to feel resentful. Anyway, it ended up that we both realized that we need time apart. He told me that he cares for out wellbeing and that continuing on with the relationship with how things are going would turn the relationship sour fast. He also said that he has never took time to be alone to develop into the man he needs and wants to be. He always has jumped from relationship to relationship to cope with his problems. He said he never has treated any woman well and he got teary as he told me he has not been treating me well. He told me that he recognizes that I am a self made woman one that has found my passion and mission in life. He says that he wants to be like that. I fully support his time a lone. At first I made the mistake of flipping out and lashing out emotionally (due to the fear of loosing him). But I know that I need to be supportive and he needs to feel grounded with himself so we agreed to have one last meeting. It was nice. He did put up the biggest emotional wall. I’m the only one that knows how to deal with how stubborn he is and he knows it. I expressed how much he means to me and that I love him so much that I need to let him go. I saw that wall crumble in his eyes for a moment but then struggled to keep it up while I was talking and then I kissed him. He had that look that he has when I know he’s melted inside. The wall fell again and we looked at each other with understanding. I was calm. collected. pleasant. And confident. I told him I was going to leave him alone. For a moment he had a look of fear that he tried to hide. He said that he wanted to keep in contact. He said he loved me and left. He changed his facebook status the next day. Before finding your site, I was seriously thinking about absolute no contact for a good while. This site has helped ease my pain in my heart. I have the chance to find myself again because I know I let myself spread way too thin in my relationship with him. It’s not healthy for either of us. My question is: What is your impression on this situation. I could use the insight from someone experienced. I do want him back but I know that cannot happen at this moment in time. I know he loves me so much he is scared to death. My other question is that although our parting was very peaceful, loving and left us both with our hearts melted, should I still apply your teachings about the no 30 day rule? I am torn about it.

admin

July 31, 2013 at 2:19 am

Hi Monica,

I am so glad you commented!

You should absolutely apply the teachings. I wouldn’t even think twice about it if I was in your position!
Monica

July 30, 2013 at 7:46 pm

So sorry but I had another question. I did tell him I would continue to live my life and move forward with things I need to do. I also told him that I would give him as long as he needs and that there is no time frame. I was serious when I said this but I don’t want to sound desperate because I’m not. =o) Did that sound like it was too much to say?
admin

July 31, 2013 at 2:21 am

Yea I think it was.

You don’t want him to have any type of power and your statement makes him feel like hes in the power position. Even though he is not guys are just effin weird I will even admit that. You want him on the chase (trying to catch you.) However, I don’t think it changes anything. It was a sweet thing for you to say and you are obviously a very sweet person
Monica

July 31, 2013 at 7:51 pm

Do you think the comment of no time frame ruined my chances at the 30 day rule?
admin

August 1, 2013 at 5:27 am

I do not!

john

July 30, 2013 at 7:15 pm

Alright here i go : man 6 years living together . 10 years friends . We broke up because she doesnt trust me anymore . Trust is like love right . So heres what has happened 3 months ago a break up . We were fighting all the time she was resenting me , sayin i didnt support her. I was always there and still am . but i did during that time ignore her because she started alcoholics anyomous and she was telling them about are relationship. IN return she’d come home with new sugguestions , like not suppose to be in a relationship anymore, needs time and space. Well i end up finding out thru a friend that she was getting closer with these people . Like she was living single . So we get into a huge fight i move out . here it is 3 months later . We could never stop contact . Id run into her in the street all the time. She wanted me to get my things it took her 2 months to allow me to do that . When i did she was crying on the phone with my mom saying how she cant believe this is happening and then telling me how she misses me but cant be with me . So then I let a couple weeks go by we hang out and things were nice last week we had a good get together . But following days after i tried to get her to meet again and no she said it wasnt a good idea . So i had a couple things left at her place and she hit me up literally yesterday to either get them out of there or she throw them away her self . So i went to get them and she was just being so angry at me , and said she went a way for the weekend (i dont no what happen ,,,maybe she met a dude she likes now ??)) and realized she doesnt want to do this anymore. I still love this girl and dont no what else to do next but the no contact rule . I feel like i been a yo yo and on her court the whole time . I no that were not done somehow . something got to give . What do u say after the 30 days are up to her ? and do i have a shot ?? or is it shot dude.

admin

July 31, 2013 at 2:17 am

Hahaha finally some testosterone on this site! YESS!!! Hahaha it’s nice to have another male to communicate with.

Ok, girls have completely different rules than guys. So, I would say that the no contact rule is still a good idea. But you are going to have to work on improving during that time.

Also, you have to get the ball out of her court and put it in yours. Don’t let her make you feel like you are in a weak position. After the NC is up make sure you dominate the conversations via text. Also, your texts will need substance to them.

Kathryn

July 30, 2013 at 4:24 pm

I slipped up! I started hearing that he was not doing well at work so I contacted him and broke NC after 9 days. Tuesday before last we spoke and he told me that we were still going to be broken up because he doesnt feel like he is being the best boyfriend and what I wanted him to be (giving me gifts, remembering important dates, spending more time, etc.) At first I thought we would be together in the end of all of this. But on Sunday after we spoke again, he said there was a chance that we may not end up together. I said ok. Yesterday, I cancelled his birthday party and now it is just a party with my friends and not his. He is also moving to across the country for work in a few months and he has hated long distance in the past. However, it is not as though we have been dating for two months. We have dated for two years! At first I was in denial that we would actually break up. But I am reminded of the book “he is just not into you”. Obviously if he wanted to be with me, he would do everything in his power to do so. I am going on two dates this week with other guys. I still want to be with him, but some of my friends say that I should not hold on to that hope. But at the end of the day, I want us to be together, we were best friends for a year prior to us dating and we both have the same values and want the same things out of our lives and we understood each other in every capacity. Sure we had our slight differences but who doesn’t? I guess I just want to know how to move forward. Is it bad that I am starting NC over for the second time? Is it bad that I still am holding on to hope in the back of my mind? Please help!

admin

July 31, 2013 at 2:06 am

Everyone makes mistakes Kathryn, I would say about 95% of women who try the no contact rule actually fail their first time around. It’s no big deal and I don’t think you are crazy for holding on to hope at all.
Kathryn

August 2, 2013 at 9:07 pm

I am on day 3 of NC (for the second time) and he has not contacted me whatsoever and I’m slightly freaking out, but I am holding out and not contacting him. However, shouldn’t he be at least TRYING to contact me? Clearly, I have not come to terms with the fact that I may not get him back. I also don’t understand how someone can be in a relationship which began with him being more into me and pursuing me to saying that he “needs space” or he wants to see if he can be a guy that I “deserve”. Maybe you can help shed light on this subject for me? Maybe he freaked out when I told him a week prior that I could consider moving with him? I am sorry I keep bothering you with all my posts but if you could help in any way that would be awesome! Thanks!
admin

August 3, 2013 at 3:12 am

No problem.

I will do my best to shed light about why he can suddenly lose interest.

Ok, guys (myself included) can sometimes be more attracted to the idea of a girl rather than the actual girl. It’s sort of like how we can picture dating a girl. It’s more exciting to leave it up to the imagination than experiencing it and getting our idea of the “perfect” girl ruined. Now, this doesn’t mean you can’t get him back it just means that you need to reignite the feelings that he once felt for you. Reigniting his imagination.
Kathryn

August 6, 2013 at 4:58 am

Ya like an hour after I posted this he texted me haha it was not a very “emotional” text but ill take what I can get. Haha I think it actually makes me stronger and confident when I see that he has reached out ya know? Thank you so much for your support! I have started getting into more activities and things to do by myself.
admin

August 7, 2013 at 2:11 am

It is kind of like validation isn’t it? You are like, ok I am doing the right thing here.
Kathryn

August 5, 2013 at 4:53 pm

So you are saying because he is not contacting me this time around he had lost interest? We were together for 2 years and a few months. I was friends with him a year before that. Now he just has lost all interest since he is not trying to contact me this time around? I am on day 7 of NC. Keep in mind what I mentioned before about him leaving for business across the country. I’m slightly freaking out!!!
admin

August 6, 2013 at 3:23 am

Hahaha no I am not saying that at all. You are still really early in NC. Give it some time before you jump to any conclusions.
Kathryn

July 30, 2013 at 4:56 pm

Side note:And when I started the no contact the first time he had reached out to me every day for the first five days and then he stopped… so when I heard he was not doing well is when i broke NC.

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