The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,271 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Becky

November 17, 2013 at 6:26 am

Hey Chris!

It’s me again!

About a month ago, I texted my ex bf a text message that brought back good memories. He then responded negatively towards me. I then decided not to reply him back to let him cool off. Two days later, he texted me really nicely saying that it’s not he doesn’t care bout me, and that I need to move on and new doors will open. He even proposed on paying that he doesn’t mind catching up coffee with me. And ended that text off with smiley faces and ‘much love , Kyle’. He also mentioned ‘please let me know when you’ve received this text’.

I obviously did not reply him as I needed time for myself. He texted me the next day saying he understand why i’m angry (but I wasn’t even angry) and that he did tell me to stop messaging him twice, and that he wishes all the best for me. I did not reply to that text too.

Bout a month later, I texted him with an across the bow text (text your ex back by Michael fiore). He responded negatively asking why I keep coming back to text him and etc etc and that I did not reply to his previous texts and he wants to know what and why i’m doing this. I responded to him a few hours later saying that regarding the previous texts he sent weeks ago I wasn’t mad at him and that I agreed with him on the moving on part and that when things happen they happen for a reason and I thanked him for everything and I ended off with a ‘and you know what…?’

He then responded negatively with:
“Rebecca. With all due respect. I don’t care. I really don’t. You are delusional, or being so. What you do with your life has nothing to a with me. And I’m not going to be a subject of satisfaction for your needy ego. I’m glad you’re doing good. Please continue to be happy. Everyone deserves happiness. I have no idea why you think I care, stop being immature about it. I’m glad we broke it off, and Im so so so glad we did. Really, it was not a big deal. And most of the relationship was me waiting for you to get a life. Pfft, a waste of time. And you know what?…You do realise you have thanked me like 3 times…And what for, for what? Hahah, busy with assessments?? You are incapable of replying to a text if about a minute? Wow. Now, if you will excuse me, I’ve got my life to attend too…So, peace out, enjoy your life. All happiness to you. Cya!!”

I replied positively even though i have no idea what to feel OR DO. “All the best have a great life ahead! God bless! Later!”

I really don’t understand him now. First he wants to talk to me then he doesn’t want me to text him. I just don’t know what to do now. What do you think I should do? Any advice?

Help!

From,
Rebecca

admin

November 17, 2013 at 8:26 pm

Have you tried the No contact rule before.
Becky

November 18, 2013 at 9:21 am

Yes. I’ve tried the NC rule for 3 months before texting him again. My first text message had a positive response to him after the 3 months NC. However, I sent a good memories text a week later and he responded negatively. Then I gave another one month N.C. a try. During that period of time, a friend of mine told me that my ex bf asked bout me all of a sudden. I then text him a good memory text and he responded negatively. Two days later, he texted me positively even mentioning that he didn’t mind going for coffee with me sometime. I did not respond to that message as I was in NC again. And this is where the part mentioned above comes in…

I’m really at a loss now. What’s the next step I should do?
admin

November 18, 2013 at 7:06 pm

Ok, lets just focus your energies on establishing a connection and talking to him again.
Becky

November 20, 2013 at 3:28 pm

I have thought about a lot on establishing a connection and talking to him again.

I know if I did it correctly, i can get him back.

however, he doesn’t want me to text him and leave him alone. and he actually counted the number of times i texted him after he told me to stop texting him..

where do i go from here?
admin

November 20, 2013 at 6:07 pm

Give him time until he is ready.

Gab

November 16, 2013 at 9:18 am

Hi Chris

So I have an ex who does not believe in relationships. I ended up being unfaithful due to the fact that he never acted like he loved me and I felt that he was ashamed of me. I told him about the encounter and we broke up six months ago. We continued to see each other after that and he finally was able to admit he loves me but doesn’t want to have a relationship. Just recently I asked him again if he still doesn’t want to get back together. I have been fighting to get him back for the last six months. He basically ended it completely a couple days ago and I am now getting m stuff back from him tomorrow. He told me he’s not over me and does t know if be ever will be but needs to know if its possible. I said some pretty hurtful things to him out of anger and even told me if he gets ahd of me in the future the gesture may not be reciprocated. Do you think it could still be saved. I do love him very much. He has also said he has no direction and feels lost and needs to figure stuff out and have space. Will the no contact rule work still. And should I contact him first after the thirty days ? Thanks

admin

November 16, 2013 at 10:06 pm

Can I ask you what your reasoning for wanting him back is?

hdub

November 16, 2013 at 2:42 am

Hello there!
I have messaged you in the past about my situation which is kind of at a stalemate right now.

I won’t explain everything again but I pretty much want to know what you suggest doing if you have contacted him, things went okay but not great either. He responded but not much. I asked him to meet up and he said he wasn’t ready so i’m back in NC with him and have been for two weeks.

Essentially I just want to know what to do if you are giving them space and not being a text gnat and yet when you do try to talk with them you get nowhere? I request that you write a guide about this issue! My ex is pretty much avoiding me and it has been two months since our break up so I don’t know where to go from here.

Hope I communicated this clearly. Thanks again for all you do, it is very nice.
😀

admin

November 16, 2013 at 9:51 pm

Sorry I want to make sure I understand this right. You want me to write a guide on how to not be awkward when you text them out of nowhere?

Jenn

November 16, 2013 at 2:40 am

Chris,

My bf of 4 years dumped me 2 weeks ago. We lived together and he told me to pack my stuff and leave. The next day he posted on FB he’s in a new relationship which makes sense bc he’s been extremely mean and cruel to me for months. Every time I need to go to the house to get my stuff I need to have a police escort with me as he’s called the police saying I threatened to harm him ( not true)!! We haven’t spoke since. I feel like he sabotaged our relationship to be with this other woman. He kept giving me signs that I should dump him but I kept trying to fix the relationship. Eventually he had enough and dumped me. He did this once before, 3 years ago. Dumped me to see if the grass was greener then came back. I’m sticking to NC. I know he’s angry at me but I also think he doesn’t care. He texted me the day I moved out that he felt “relived”. I didnt respond. Will NC make him miss me? Pls advise 🙁

admin

November 16, 2013 at 9:50 pm

It certainly can do that but there is no guarantee obviousl.

Sarah

November 15, 2013 at 11:50 pm

I have a stubborn ex. I broke up with him but realized it was a rash decision. We didn’t talk for about a month then I reached out to him via text and we actually went to have a drink. He told me he wasn’t interested but we still texted for a few days after. I don’t know if he freaked out, or thought he was losing control of the situation but I tried calling him last week and he ignored me. I was really upset and ended up sending him an email basically pouring my heart out and he never responded. Did I totally ruin my chances, or should I try repeating the NC period and reach out to him in a month? Help!

admin

November 16, 2013 at 9:38 pm

Right now I think its smartest to repeat NC and reach out in a month and no you didn’t ruin your chances.

Chante

November 15, 2013 at 3:04 pm

Hi Chris,
I had been goin out with my guy for about nine months… we weren’t exactly exclusive( if that makes since). He calls/texts me everyday we were intimate I ended up getting pregnant and eventually lost the baby 🙁 Before I lost the baby we were making plans to move in together and be a family…I was at his house like every other day.. He started seeing another girl but claims that they are just friends and he’s just sleeping with her?? She is over his house more and more and me less and less. He even skipped work to be with her and went out to a bar with her on a work nite?( something he never does with anyone) He stopped calling/ texting me since he’s been hanging out with her… How can he just walk away?? Is this salvageable?

admin

November 15, 2013 at 8:18 pm

Do you think he is just scared of commitment with you?
Chante

November 15, 2013 at 9:04 pm

He did say that he felt like he wasn’t right for me because I’m a ” good girl.” Whatever that means? I guess because I’m in nursing school and have never used a recreational drug in my life..Idk … but at the same time he told me that his ex messed him up from ever loving another woman because she hurt him…I try my best to show him that I’m not like that.. He said he doesn’t like this new chick like that but he’s doing all the things that he wouldn’t even do with me he would never allow me to sleep over consecutively during the work week…… he did end up calling last nite and said that he missed me…I feel so tossed to the side…What should I do?
admin

November 16, 2013 at 8:49 pm

Well its good he called at least.

Just remain calm at this point. What are you doing to evlolve and improve yourself during this time?
Chante

November 17, 2013 at 12:31 am

Just concentrating on school as this is my final semester… He called me last nite and asked me to come over and I declined….I called him today he didn’t answer but the new chick answered his phone and we had a nasty altercation…. she said he wasn’t there and that she was his gf I replied if u were his gf why was he calling me at 1am and I texted a screen shot off his missed call to me… I’m thinking dude? You never let me answrr your phone?? but u let her? Chris should I just putt one foot in front of the other?
admin

November 17, 2013 at 7:53 pm

Sorry what are you saying? Your message confused me..
Chante

November 17, 2013 at 8:33 pm

His new girl answered his phone and we got into it(had a shouting match).. he never allowed me to answer his phone… why is he letting her?? I sent her a screen shot of his missed call to me… letting her know that he is still contacting me….Do u think that I should just walk away or do you think we can work on it? I think I’m going crazy…
Chante

November 19, 2013 at 4:36 pm

and if he’s thinking about me while hes spending his time with her…
admin

November 19, 2013 at 7:44 pm

Thats a good thing right?
Chante

November 20, 2013 at 5:24 pm

what is the likelihood that he’s thinking about me while he is now in a relationship with her?
admin

November 20, 2013 at 6:07 pm

High I think.
Chante

November 20, 2013 at 1:23 am

and where do I find good feelings vs bad that u suggested?
admin

November 20, 2013 at 5:35 pm

I think its in teh calling guide.
Chante

November 19, 2013 at 8:05 pm

yeah…I guess but whats the likelihood that he is?
admin

November 20, 2013 at 5:17 pm

The likelihood that he is?
admin

November 18, 2013 at 5:47 pm

I think walking away is the smartest option.
Chante

November 18, 2013 at 6:28 pm

me too… I’ve invested so much time…. this really hurts! I guess my main question is why did he choose her over me…
admin

November 19, 2013 at 5:37 pm

She could be new, she makes him feel better than you did (see good feelings vs bad feelings.)

Autumn

November 15, 2013 at 8:20 am

Hi Chris,
Im sure you are a very busy man and I have read a few of your posts and would like some advise From you on my situation. Okay so me and my recent ex were together for almost two years, we were engaged and I am still very much in love with him. I do want to get back together with him and we have been broken up for about three weeks. When we broke up I did all the wrong things called, begged, bla, bla. Okay so then I started blogging to get advise and the next day I completely cut off contact. I think you have some great methods and ideas to “get your ex back” but theres a problem with my situation. We fought a lot towards the end of the relationship and I know why he decided to break up with me but we were always willing to work through things right up until the end.. So the problem I have is we lived together the whole relationship and he is now at his moms (which I am sure she had an effect on this) but I have all of his stuff here I mean everything. He was gonna come and get it day after we broke up but never came and as I wasn’t speaking to him, I didn’t ask why. I have been doing good with NC and its helped me figure out a lot of things that went wrong and need to change and I think the space is definitely good for us. But the fact that I have all his stuff and were both doing our own thing bla bla, Im not so sure that your NC, then the texting methods after NC would work. I definitely wanna get on his good side, like I said ive read your posts but am just woundering if approaching it like that would work. And for instance doing the texting “steps” Also confused about why he hasn’t gotten his stuff maybe that means hes hurt, angry, and doesn’t wanna deal with it right now. Or maybe that gives me a little more of an advantage? What do you think? And thanks!

admin

November 15, 2013 at 7:38 pm

Ok, well lets see if we can do something about that. What specifically aren’t you comfortable with.
Autumn

November 15, 2013 at 8:39 pm

Okay well for instance, once I stop NC in a couple weeks do you think I should follow your texting steps. Its not so much that Im not comfortable with it but do you think it would still work with my situation. For example doing a confession text, then depending on reply taking it further to the next steps etc. I was actually thinking about buying the system but don’t wanna do that if I should be approaching it in a different way. What do you think?
admin

November 16, 2013 at 8:37 pm

Absolutely you should. Definitely do so!
Autumn

November 21, 2013 at 12:19 am

Hey Chris Autumn again. So I waited on it to see what hapened. It has been over three weeks since my ex and I broke up and about two days ago he did actually contact me, but tis is what I was worried about. As I said before I still had his stuff well he texted me and asked when he could come get it and I decided not to reply as I am finishing at least 30 days of no cantact. My problem now is, which I was trying to explain before is this. I didnt contact him back but dont you think it would be wierd if I finished the no contact then as I said did a confession text then say bla bla depending on his response. Because thinking about it I have a feeling he would say something like, “okay.. when can I come get my stuff?” I dont know its just that the fact that hes contacting me for his things (which I dont want and have no problem returning them) doesnt show me that he contacted me because he misses me or anything. Im not sure, but after NC is finished what steps should I take when I decide to make contact? Should I maybe start off with something different? I aslo have looked at his fb.. I know i shouldn’t haha but I did and think he is starting to see another woman. Im not sure how much of that has an impact on whats going on between him and I, but Im sure a lot, and it hurts. Whats your best advice for my situation really confused on how to approach things and what to say, besides acting like Im happy and dont care. Please let me know what you think. Thanks again!
admin

November 21, 2013 at 6:49 pm

After NC… I would start by following the texting guides on this site or the “chasing guide” or if you really want the answer grab the E-Book.
Autumn

November 23, 2013 at 9:04 pm

Hey Chris Autumn again. So I took your advice and read the “chase theory” Ive been thinking alot about the next steps I want to take tho as tomorrow my NC is up. My ex has actually contacted me a few different times in the last week but it was to get his stuff back. I dont want him to think that I want to like hold on to some part of him, so I think now that im thinking logically thats the best thing to do. He keeps trying to text me and I can tell hes a little angry that I havent replied, so now that NCs over I was thinking about texting him back. My question for you is this. What do you think about me kind of leaving him hanging. Saying something like “I dont know when ill be back home. It will leave him hanging on an answer he wont know what im doing where i am either which im sure will make him question those things. Then in a day or so tell him ill be home and he can come get it. What do you think about that? Also whats your best advice on what i should say when i see him to give him his things. I know act like everything’s fine and happy but should just be short and sweet, heres your stuff take care or what? Let me know what you think please and again thanks for all the help your sight and comments have really been a lot of help!!
admin

November 24, 2013 at 6:57 pm

I like everything. You seem like you have a good grasp! Even on the what to do when you meet him for stuff exchanging.
Autumn

November 23, 2013 at 9:10 pm

Oh and one more thing i forgot. To follow your texting steps what if I approached it in that way as I said ^^^. Then after he has his stuff and he sees how great Im doing without him I am sure after he sees me he will be missing me. So what do you think about me giving it a week or so after that and see if maybe he texts me. Or if not at that point I can send a confession text and take things from there. I think the situation, having his stuff, him having a reson to have to see me, it should give me some type of advantage over the situation. Dont ya think?

Roxy

November 14, 2013 at 11:53 pm

I did no contact for over 30 days. I spoke to him tonight and he said there’s no way we will get back together. Is it really over?

admin

November 15, 2013 at 6:09 pm

Right now yes, in the future maybe not.

Heres the problem. You went from zero to 60 right out of the gate. THATS a HUGE mistake.

Emma

November 14, 2013 at 11:15 am

Hiya 🙂 My ex figured out that I’m doing the no contact rule. He’s text me saying he knows what I’m doing and he’s looked up what exactly the no contact rule is. I’ve no doubt he’s been on this site. What do I do? Will it still work?

admin

November 14, 2013 at 7:50 pm

How do you know he has been on this site.

jhemira

November 14, 2013 at 9:45 am

Hi Chris!
Thankz for the guide I just saw your site a few days ago, coz i realized that i really want my boyfriend back.
But I’m kinda hesitant with the NC rule., coz u see we were going out for 4 years then he suddenly told me that he needs space to find his old self so i decided to give him space. After giving him the space he needed i was kinda devastated coz he was not texting me at all. And i was like texting him every now and then., After 3days after i gave him the space he needed he said that he wants a break up so i wont be hurt and all, of course i was hurt, and he said that we can be friends. Then i did not know what to do coz i just don’t want to be friends with him, so i begged and plead him(i know I’m stupid) to come back but he never did. After a week or two he was already dating a new girl.. Of course i was devastated when i heard that. so i tried to be friends with him and there are times that we talked/text about what really happened, or why it ended and stuff like that and i got so emotional for the first or two weeks. he wanted me to move on think positively and stuff like that. he also said that if its possible i should forget about him. Now its been a month since we broke up and I’m still trying to be friends with him while trying to move on coz i don’t want to forget him. this 1 month transition i was always texting him asking him if he already ate and stuff like that.(he would text me if i think he’s not with his new girl and he wouldn’t if i think he’s with his new girl) ., during his break time (coz he works night shift and his new girlfriend is a coworker of his) i always text him to eat and stuff like that even though i know that he already has a girlfriend to do that. and of course during the 1month period he did not reply to those kind of texts during his work. then yesterday i didnt text him for 12 hours lunch to lunch., i was kinda surprised that he was texting me asking if i am upset, angry, busy or anything., so i replied that i was busy. then he said that he’s not ok., i dont know if hes not ok because i did not text him or there is another reason. if there is another reason he would tell me but he wouldn’t, he would always say that he don’t know whats wrong, why is he feeling like that.,

so here is why I’m hesitant.
1. he said that i should forget about him
2. he said awhile ago that his feeling where kinda confusing for him
3.he already has a girlfriend and he doesn’t even mind texting me., its like i would text him 5 messages and he would reply only once.
4.i think he really likes the new girl

admin

November 14, 2013 at 7:43 pm

1. If he was emotional when he said it he may not have meant it.
2. It happens and its not always a bad thing.
3. This is a bummer you may need to lay off a bit.
4. Just give it time.
jhemira

November 15, 2013 at 12:28 am

Thankz for the reply Chris! 🙂

I’ll proceed with the NCR., just to give it a shot. thank you very much 🙂
I’ll tell you the result of your guide thankz thankz 🙂
admin

November 15, 2013 at 6:21 pm

Hey at this pint you have nothing to lose 🙂
jhemira

December 11, 2013 at 8:16 am

Chris I’m still doing NC but he only contacted me just twice first message was “Are you trying to avoid me? fine if that’s what you want but you should’ve told me” it was like in an angry manner. Then 2 days after his first message he changed his relationship status to in a relationship. Then his second message was “hi take care always” that’s it. I’m improving myself, updating my facebook once in a while. He clicks like on my profile pictures and albums but he also do it with the rest of our mutaual friends. I don’t have any news with regards to what he feels or if he misses me. he is also uploading photos with that girl but it usually is group photos and there is no album that contains just the two of them.
I’m doing good with this NCR i feel like a burden has been lifted, but i still want him back. So far I am not that emotional, I am starting to think of him less and less each day, and I am enjoying my life. But I know I still want him back. My question is does he not think of me? is his feelings totally gone? and is it still possible to get him back?

abby

November 14, 2013 at 9:18 am

Hi, Chris

I want to ask you about your opinion about an ex who don’t tell anyone about his break-up. my ex didnt tell anyone about our break up.. thanks..

admin

November 14, 2013 at 7:41 pm

First off that is very weird, secondly he may be too scared to talk about it or it hurts him a lot.
abby

November 15, 2013 at 3:23 am

was that mean that he actually don’t want to break up with me?
admin

November 15, 2013 at 6:47 pm

What do you mean?
abby

November 16, 2013 at 6:20 am

if he don’t want to tell anyone about the break up (because it hurts him), is that mean that he actually don’t want to break up with me?
admin

November 16, 2013 at 9:58 pm

Maybe but I wouldn’t get overly excited about it you know.
abby

November 17, 2013 at 5:11 am

ouh okay..
abby

November 17, 2013 at 5:44 am

so.. what should i do now? i did the NCR and text-ed him for his up coming exam and he replied straight up. then, 2 days after that i send him funny video (laina jb fan.. the overly attached gf haha) and i said that her (laina) attitude like me. and he didn’t reply. then i told him that im sorry if he didnt feel comfortable with the video and i deleted the video. so.. should i wait for 2 weeks to text him or what and how?
admin

November 17, 2013 at 8:25 pm

Wait the two weeks to text him.
abby

December 1, 2013 at 3:56 pm

hi, chris.. its already two weeks now.. i am so nervous to text him.. what should i text now? i don’t feel like ‘remembering the past’ text will helps.. is there any options? i’m so afraid.. or should i just do the NC again?
abby

November 17, 2013 at 5:44 am

sorry i haven’t bought your e-book yet. but i will. very sorry..
admin

November 17, 2013 at 8:24 pm

No need to apologize at all.

Cathy

November 14, 2013 at 4:13 am

WHat do you do AFTER 30 day NC if he hasn’t contacted you? do you reach out and ask if he wants to talk? meet for coffee? and see his reaction then? you haven’t gone into what happens after the NC was in place… : )

admin

November 14, 2013 at 7:20 pm

You contact him hahaha. I talk about this a lot throughout this site and in the E-Book 🙂

Jennifer

November 14, 2013 at 12:32 am

Hi, I’m really loving blogsite. Thanks so much for putting your time for women like us that are clueless about relationships. It means a lot to me and I’m sure to all the women you contact daily. I have a question though, I don’t know if my NC will work on my ex. After reading all of your things on this site, I think I broke every rule in the book of a relationship. I feel really dumb, but you know what I’m going to learn from them because I want him back. Anyways, I need your opinion if my relationship can have a second chance. My boyfriend broke up with me for after three months and he just said that he cant take being in a relationship right now. I think I invaded all the rules to not do. I called frantically even though he never answered. All I wanted to do was change his mind about him breaking up with me. I’m afraid now I screwed up my chances of getting back with him because he probably thinks I’m needy. It was my first relationship, so you have to understand I don’t know much. After he broke up with me, I did stop contacting him and the next morning I just asked if I could give back his belongings and he said no, its best not to and you throw away water I have of his. I texted and I pleaded for him to talk to me and I called him one last time, and then I just stopped. Something told me to just stop trying, he wont answer. It’s been 4 days since I haven’t talk to him. I’m going to stick with the NC rule because I messed up this relationship and I want to give it another chance. Do you think there is hope if I do the NC rule on him.

Thankyou, Jennifer

admin

November 14, 2013 at 7:08 pm

I do think there is hope and thank you for your kind words.

Sarah

November 13, 2013 at 11:16 pm

Hey I love your articles!
I have a sticky situation. Basically, my boyfriend of 5 years on and off and I broke again up about a month ago. He told me he feels stressed from relationships and can’t commit right now because he needs to de-stress his life, and also because since I cheated on him in the past, he needs to start trusting me again. He said that if we are in the right place with ourselves (mentally him being ready to commit and me being less dependent on him) and if we aren’t with anyone else, then we could get back together, but he isn’t promising anything.
From October 8-14, I was texting every day (I know it was bad) and pleading and telling him how I want to change. After that, a week later, I had a moment where I called (on my moms phone; and my ex knows calling on my moms phone is an emergency) but he didn’t answer. Couple hours later he texted “hey you called? sorry I was at work, you ok?” … by then I was feeling better so I texted, “sorry! pocket dial!”. A week later, I gave in AGAIN and texted him about my health news I received. He texted later that day and said he was sorry about my news. The weekend of that week, I drunk texted at 5AM. The day later he texted asking if I was OK and he wanted to make sure I was safe. I texted back “I’m good!”
Couple days later, I texted a photo of my new hair style. He texted “wow looks good!” and couple hours later he texted AGAIN and said “how are you? i miss hearing from you”
Basically the time span from him “hearing from me” was only I’d say 2 weeks since I told him about my health news.
Anyways, after we small chatted and he asked to see me. I thought by now I was at a good place in my life and I could handle seeing him. Well I was wrong. I came up Saturday night (he asked for Sunday during the day but I told him I was available Saturday night and changed plans last minute on my own schedule). We talked for 6 hours and eventually slept together.
*side note he made weird behaviours: I asked him for my ring back (he bought me a $500 ring for my birthday/christmas present) and he said “No… I hid it somewhere. The ring had a purpose.” And second weird behaviour was while we were laying in bed I noticed there was a picture frame of a love quote hanging where my necklace used to hang every day- I asked him where the necklace had gone and he moved the picture frame and it was still there.
Anyways, the morning we woke up, he surprised me by saying his boss called and he needs him to work today. I BLEW IT because I looked a little sad, and he picked up on it, and I knew out of guilt he told me “but we can hang out after I work.” So during the day I hung out with his best friend, and his best friend told me my ex texted him asking if I was still hanging out with him (obviously a sign that he wanted me to go home this morning and was checking to see if I was still going to be hanging out later that night). After he got home, he acted a bit distant. I got annoyed so I told him I was “tired” and that I should have just left this morning. I asked for him to tuck me in and he said he missed tucking me in at night. Later he came to bed and we cuddled. I went home the next morning.
The day after, I texted him a picture of my old house I was visiting where we first met. No response. I started to panic because I felt I ruined my chances by acting needy that Sunday when he needed to go to work. So the longer he didn’t respond, the more I panicked. I ended up sending 20 messages in a row!! I got fed up so I called on my moms phone. I left a message saying that I need space again because I clearly didn’t get over issues the first time we had space. He texted back apologizing for not answering and that his phone was left at work all day. He agreed I needed space, he will give me space, and that he will “step back any time he feels he is in the way of my happiness”. I felt like I didn’t want to believe I freaked out because of HIM. I felt I only freaked out because I was cancelled on last minute when he said he needed to go to work, and I rationalized with myself that it was the fact that when I don’t get what I want, I act spoiled, and get upset when things don’t go my way.
I texted back to him thanking that he responded to me, and that I am taking space to solve issues with myself on how to handle disappointments, and that I was sorry if I caused him to think my mental break down was because of him, and that I am not taking this as a serious blow to my independence because I still feel all the progress I’ve made from the first time having space is still in tact- it’s just I didn’t think to handle THIS specific issue of being spoiled in the first place.
Anyways, 4 days later and NO response…I texted (I am SO bad at the NC rule!) I texted him telling “another random number messaged me and I asked who it was, and the person said it was (this guy I used to have sexual relations with [while my current ex and I were on our first break up.]) I didn’t respond and I just deleted the number. I guess he must’ve still had my number or something, so random. Anyways just wanted to let you know!”
I have no idea if that is a bad call on my part. I know NC rule is the best. And I am trying to keep true to it.
But the first month before I saw him, I was trying to do NC… yet… everything fell into place without having to really completely cut him off? Was I just lucky that all of those texts throughout the month worked together and caused my ex to miss me? Because if you over look it, we had been texting once a week ever since I stopped harassing him.
I just don’t know what I should do this time? With that last text I sent, I am trying to show my ex that I can be trusted (since he has trust issues with me). But I don’t know if that might’ve just pissed him off.
Should I just from now on try NC rule and see what happens? Since I never carried it out properly, I am having those fears you have mentioned in your articles.
I am scared that I was just lucky the first time…or were all those text messages really strategic and should I try repeating the pattern again (aka pretend to accidentally call him–> news about myself–>drunk text–>pic of something new and exciting in my life?)
I’m just really confused and FRUSTRATED that I screwed up, and wound myself up into going into a SECOND break/space with him. Please help me find a way to get him to miss me again.

admin

November 14, 2013 at 6:56 pm

Do NC (and set a time limit) then contact him. That is how I think you should approach the situation.
Sarah

November 20, 2013 at 3:01 am

thanks for the response! what do you mean by set a time limit?
admin

November 20, 2013 at 5:40 pm

Like 15 days, 30 days..

Rhiannon

November 13, 2013 at 11:15 pm

Hi Chris! 🙂 I broke up with my boyfriend 3 weeks ago as there were a few girls he stepped over the line with (no touching just inappropriate comments). I know people make mistakes…i’ve made one or two and i know that i love him to pieces and he loves me…things like writing love songs that are specific to me and planning our future, he just still has a bit of the player in him from his youth. We are each others first love! We’ve been together for 1 year and our love so over powering that when we’ve had silly little break-ups before we’ve run straight back into each others arms. There are trust issues like any other relationship…this worries me if there is a chance that we get back together. I applied NC straight after we broke up but this time, so did he…he blocked me on facebook (then my friend rang his phone on a night out 2 weeks after the break-up and found he had blocked my number. He has recently unblocked me but hasn’t added me back as a friend. I feel like my situation is hopeless as its coming close to one month and it will be our one year anniversary in a few days, i haven’t seen him since the break up except one night out he completley avoided me and stormed out of the club we were in. I have to see him for the first time properly on the day of our 1 year as we are both invited to the same event. A mutual acquaintance has spoken to him and told me that he is slightly relieved for the break up as we kept having little fights and arguments…and i agree, it got hard so i needed time and space, but this friend has also said hes finding it hard to ignore me, he is devastated because he was head over heels for me…i don’t know if this is actually how he feels or he’s putting on a front. What do i do on our one year? and is it possible for him to change once he realises that this time, im not coming back if he doesn’t? Thank-you ever so much 🙂

admin

November 14, 2013 at 6:55 pm

Do you have any way of contacting him at all?

Hannah

November 13, 2013 at 3:52 pm

Hey Chris! So my ex and I just broke up about a week and a half ago and haven’t really talked much since it happened so I want to fully start the no contact rule except for the fact I still have to go pick up a few things from his place. The reason for our break up he says is that right now he doesn’t want to be mutually exclusive and be in a relationship, he thinks for now the best we can be is friends. He says if it’s meant to be we’ll get back together later in life but we are both so young (21) we don’t need to be settling down with one person. He said I needed to focus on school since I will be applying for grad school soon and he just wanted to live life wherever it should take him. All of his friends say they know he loves me but he just wants to be single right now and get the college experience. Is it possible to get a guy like this back or am I wasting my time? All I want is to talk to him because he’s the person I would have turned to for the past 14 months about anything and he truly was my best friend but I know I have to be strong. Please give a girl some advice on what to do!!!! Love all of your guides!

admin

November 13, 2013 at 8:56 pm

Thanks for the kind words. Tell me what you are doing during your NC to better yourself?
Hannah

November 13, 2013 at 9:46 pm

I was able to go home last week and spend some time visiting my family. I’ve also just been spending a lot more time with my friends than I could before and pouring myself into my work.

Am

November 13, 2013 at 8:35 am

Hello I have a relationship with a married man for more than a year and I am also married. We love each other very much but in that year we had several break ups because of the difficult situation. He always comes back because he can’t live without me but can’t take a decission at home, neither do I. The last break up was September and after several discussions I will now try the nc period for the first time. Do you think this could work for our future? To know what it is without each other? At this moment he only wants friendship and I don’t want that.

admin

November 13, 2013 at 8:09 pm

Yes I really think it can.

Bel

November 12, 2013 at 8:22 am

Well is a given my relationship ended ;P. It has been 36 days since nc. When we initially broke he asked me back the next day but I wanted time to sort my head. The response was not an ok sure it was the opposite with angry words to follow. My initial response was to stop contact with him which resulted in online msg’s to the like of I guess we are not even talking. He tried to be friends with me and msg me for the same emotional support he received when I was his girlfriend. I explained to him I wasn’t interested in being his friend and providing the same emotional support if he no longer wished for the relationship. To be honest I could tell he was pretending not to care he said some things that he knows would hurt me and he knew I wanted to work on us not end it. My response to his hurtful words was you are right lets end it. He said something mean back I never responded and it has been 36 days. He contacted me midway through nc to ask for a password for an online account he has that he knows I have the details for (despite the fact he could find out himself). I have completely fallen off the radar online I don’t even log into skype and have not contacted him once and instead started having a life again. I do still have feelings for him he went from multiple “friends with benefits” to a committed relationship with me when we were together. Most people miss the peson it isn’t just the ex but the relationship what it was and what I know deep down we could have. Although without this site I think I may have caved during nc but I never did. Chris thank you for your site it has been helpful entertaining and very insightful..you are a gem.

admin

November 12, 2013 at 7:23 pm

Thanks for your kind words!

How can I help you specifically?
Bel

November 12, 2013 at 9:55 pm

Advice I guess now I think about it. I am at a stalemate. I genuinely took time during nc to look at myself. I still have feelings for him otherwise I would just let it be. He went from txt gnat at the start to angry to contacting mid way through. I am uncertain as to whether he would want to hear from me. Or maybe leave nc longer give him more breathing space.
admin

November 13, 2013 at 6:56 pm

NC a bit longer I think.

Nicole

November 12, 2013 at 12:58 am

Hello, I’ve going through my first break up with the guy I’m absolutely in love with..he ended it. It’s been about 3 weeks now, and I tried not contacting him, but after a couple days i break, and act like a lunatic texting him long texts…he has responded sometimes.And other times he just ignores me or gives me really jerkish answers.Most of the time he’s a jerk but he will however, shoot me random texts sometimes to which I respond but then i always get another ignore. He tells me he just can’t handle things with us, and etc. Do you think if I truly stick to the NC rule, It will affect him?

admin

November 12, 2013 at 6:53 pm

Sure it will possibly work.

Avee

November 12, 2013 at 12:57 am

Hi Chris,

It’s been a month since I applied the NC rule with, I might say, my stubborn ex bf. I am now about to text him but I would like to ask for your opinion if the first text I’m going to send him after NC will be good or not.

Here it goes – “ Hi, there’s no need for you to ask for an apology. We’ve had great times together. I’m now ok and have no regrets. Hope you’re doing great as well. Take care :-).”

I really hope you’ll be able to analyze this text message and it will be such a great help for me. Thank you so much.

admin

November 12, 2013 at 6:51 pm

Not a fan. Go with something not about the breakup. Something not as emotional but still very interesting.

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