If you are already in the process of winning your ex back and have been having good interactions, it can be frustrating when your ex-boyfriend blocks any attempt to get back together.
An ex-boyfriend might try to put obstacles in the way of a reunion even when he tells you he misses you or has feelings for you.
To help you navigate your way through the situation this article is going to teach you about:-
- The reasons he says he misses you.
- Why he doesn’t want to get back together.
- If he even cares about you?
- The Commitment Pyramid.
Getting through your no-contact period to win your ex back can be difficult, and for many of our subscribers the texting phase of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery program is even harder…. But the really big challenge is getting over the last hurdle to win your ex back.
After you have established texting dialogue and built some rapport; it is normal for him to reasonably guess that you want to get back together (although you shouldn’t be directly asking).
As your ex-boyfriend becomes more certain that you are looking for more than just a friendship, he will begin to question if he wants to get back together….
Unfortunately if he is still uncertain then your ex will resist any efforts to reconcile or move things forward and you might be met with phrases like:-
“I’m not looking for anything serious”
“I’m not ready yet”
“I don’t have time for a girlfriend”
There are several reasons an ex might say he still misses you and it is useful for you to think about which of these applies to your situation.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizReasons He Says He Misses You
Below I have compiled a list of the most popular reasons for why an ex boyfriend misses you.
The Bruised Ego
One reason an ex might say he is misses you, is that he is feeling lonely and insecure. Perhaps he has not been receiving the level of female attention he had hoped for as a single man.
If this is the case your ex might tell you he misses you to see if you feel the same. If your ex does this he is seeking validation for his ego, he is hoping that he is attractive enough for you to still miss him. Hearing that you still miss him basically stops him from feeling like a total loser.
I have to admit when I was single and wasn’t ready to settle down there was one ex I would periodically contact to boost my ego. They would ask if we should meet up and go on a date and I would make some lame excuse about being too busy or living too far away.
The reason I would text was because I missed the attention they gave me even though I didn’t want to date them.
The back-up plan
Another reason an ex-boyfriend might say he misses you is because he wants a back-up plan. This is most commonly associated with ex-boyfriends suffering from the Grass is Greener syndrome.
After a breakup, there is a period of time where your ex-boyfriend will have doubts over whether he has made the right decision about breaking-up. During this time period an ex will wonder if he could manage to find a new girlfriend who is better than you, if he feels unsure he may try to keep you as a back-up plan that he can return to later on.
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The best way for your ex-boyfriend to keep you as a back-up plan is to give you a small amount of hope for the future by telling you he misses you but doesn’t want to get back together…
Why would he do this?…. he believes you will wait around in case he means he “doesn’t want to get back together……. Yet”.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThat last word makes a huge difference as it shifts a breakup from being permanent to being temporary. Your ex-boyfriend knows that this possibility is enough to keep you around in case his life doesn’t work out as planned.
The Friends with Benefits setup
Much like the previous reason on our list an ex-boyfriend might tell you he misses you but doesn’t want a relationship. Instead he is trying to set-up for a Friends with Benefits arrangement.
Your ex-boyfriend probably knows that a lot of women believe that if you have sex, then a man will fall in love and want to get back together. By saying he misses you he can lay some foundations for a Friends with Benefits situation knowing you might accept it in the hope that it leads to something more later.
If your ex is being overly flirtatious and saying he misses you but putting in no effort or saying he doesn’t want to get back together this is a red flag for a potential friends with benefits situation.
He actually misses you
Not all reasons an ex-boyfriend will say he misses you are bad, in fact the last one on the list will cheer you up a bit.
Sometimes ex-boyfriends are not that complicated and the reason they say that they miss you is actually because they miss you!
If your ex tells you he misses you but doesn’t want to get back together, it could mean that your ex is uncertain about whether a reunion would be successful. When this happens, your ex needs to see visible changes in you and improvement for a potential relationship in the future.
As always the key to winning your ex over is to “Show, don’t tell”…. You have to demonstrate to your ex that a reunion would result in a better relationship, you can‘t try to verbally convince him.
Why he doesn’t want to get back together
The next area I am going to talk about will cover the reasons he is resisting getting back together with you and avoiding a commitment.
Fear of repetition
An ex-boyfriend can avoid getting back together because he is worried that you might break-up again. If this is the case he is worried about putting you through a painful situation again.
He is also worried that if he gives you a second chance and then re-breaks up with you that you will resent him for it.
He doesn’t believe in second chances .
This is a reason I can personally relate to. When I was younger I was a big believer in not giving an ex a second chance, I genuinely believed that it was called a break-up because it was broken and that it was better move on than revisit the past.
Obviously, my views on this have changed a lot.
My opinion actually changed a few years back, I broke up with someone when I didn’t feel the relationship was going anywhere. At first I felt free, and they wanted to get back together but at that point I didn’t believe in second chances….. then time started to pass and I realized that maybe I had made the wrong decision because I missed them.
After a while longer my view changed and I thought maybe I should give it another shot. My point is that maybe your ex doesn’t believe in second chances today but that doesn’t mean that they won’t tomorrow.
He has someone new
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThis reason is one of those things you won’t want to hear about. If your ex is seeing someone new then this is almost certainly the reason he is saying he doesn’t want to get back together.
However if your ex is telling you he still misses you, then it is fair to assume that he still has feelings for you and the new girlfriend is a rebound relationship that is helping to distract him from the breakup.
You have not have changed
An ex-boyfriend might be reluctant to take you back because they feel you haven’t changed.
After a break-up men and women text their ex’s telling them things will be different and promise to change, however, the reality is most people don’t make the effort to change.
Because of this, your ex-boyfriend is going to have legitimate reservations about getting back together with you.
Different futures or backgrounds
This reason is a difficult one to overcome. If you and your ex-boyfriend have extremely different hopes for your futures then this is going to cause long term challenges in a relationship especially if neither of you is open to compromise. This might include things like:-
- Where you live – relevant for Long Distance Relationships.
- Whether you want children – relevant for all relationships
- What church you go to – relevant to interfaith relationships.
These kind of big ticket items can be deal-breakers in any relationship. If you and your ex don’t see eye to eye on subjects like these then although he misses you, an ex-boyfriend may be reluctant to commit to a relationship as is will struggling to see a future with you.
To overcome these kind of reservations you will need to align your futures through mutual compromise and work towards illustrating to your ex that a future together is both feasible and desirable.
Higher priorities
We have all been in a situation where someone has decided for whatever reason that being in a relationship with us is less important then something else in their life.
Perhaps that’s their career, perhaps it’s their social life, it could even be their health.
I have been in this exact situation before. An ex needed to focus on things that were a higher priority than our relationship at the time. Giving time to the relationship was time that was being taken away from their other priorities.
My view is that we all have the same amount of time in our lives…. 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week, so we have to ration how we allocate it, and we do this by prioritizing what is most important to us. How your ex-boyfriend allocates his time before and after a breakup can be a good indicator for his intentions towards your relationship.
If he is replying to your texts in a timely fashion then you are still on his priorities list somewhere.
Your ex-boyfriend can still miss you when they have other priorities in their life that they would like to focus on but these will make him reluctant to get into another relationship.
The Commitment Pyramid
What can you do if your ex-boyfriend is avoiding a relationship and a commitment with you?
There are several methods you can use such as getting him to chase you, getting him to make a series of small investments of time and money in you, jealousy, and finally making him think you are moving on.
All of these are great but what can you do if the problem isn’t you, how do you handle an ex who just isn’t ready for a relationship and is emotionally unavailable?
There is a way to tackle it however it will require continued and persistent effort on your part to win your ex-back.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThis concept of a Commitment Pyramid is something I have teased out of long existing method for motivation called the Hierarchy of Needs.
What the Commitment Pyramid shows is that there are several things people need in their life before they are looking for a serious relationship. In the pyramid there are five different levels of seriousness a guy has when it comes to dating, these vary from not interested, right through to marriage.
Each of these levels on the left-hand side outlines a level of personal achievement a man has in his life and correlates to a level of potential relationship on the right.
Starting at the bottom of the left pyramid you have guys who are in survival mode, these guys are probably looking for a one night stand at best but generally are not interested in girls at all; they are too busy trying to stay alive to think about anything more.
Guys in this zone tend to be struggling to pay their bills, put food on the table, and may not have stable housing. I actually met a really nice guy a few years ago, who was in the unfortunate position of living in his car… despite the fact that he was a popular guy and there were attractive girl’s flirting with him he was 100% not interested.
He understood that he didn’t have the time or the money to date so took the decision to avoid it all together as his focus was getting enough money together to find a proper place to live. This is a good example of how a man thinks when he is on the bottom rung of the pyramid.
The second rung, covers a guy’s need for a job, good health, and “stuff”- personal belongings, clothes, phone, car and other things of that nature. If your guy has health issues, depression, addictions, is extremely unhappy with his work situation or can’t afford to purchase non-essential items, then he is probably just looking to be friends or friends with benefits.
The third level, covers an ex-boyfriend’s need to feel close to people emotionally, he will want friends and family. If your ex feels he is trusted in life and has people he can trust he will be open to the idea of a formal dating.
This would correlate with what I would call the “uncommitted-committed relationship”…… basically the sort of dating before everyone gets serious and starts talking about the future.
The fourth level covers an ex-boyfriend’s need to feel respected, acknowledged, and good about himself.
This is usually when he has achieved a status in his profession he is comfortable with. When this happens an ex-boyfriend will start to open himself to the possibility to a long-term relationship.
The fifth and final level, is the magical level.
If a guy is at this level he feels comfortable he has achieved enough in his life to be remembered and accepted for who he is…. He feels like he has contributed and made his mark on the Earth.
When he has done this then he is going to be open to the idea of marriage.
The Commitment Pyramid works like this, if a man is at the bottom of the levels for personal achievement he isn’t going to be looking for the top level in a relationship. Essentially this model highlights how his personal achievement relates to the extent of his emotional availability for dating.
For example, an ex-boyfriend is on the middle level of personal achievement (friendship, family and intimacy), this means he is at a point in his life where he will consider any relationship type up to and including dating and the “uncommitted-committed relationship.”
How high up you go as a potential girlfriend depends on how well you are doing in terms of your own personal investment in health, wealth and relationships.
I am sure some of you are sat there feeling bewildered because you want to get married but your ex hasn’t reached the top level of personal achievement yet…. Well here is the clever part, by helping him achieve things higher up the levels you can open up opportunities for a more substantial relationship.
To do this you must start at on the bottom rungs and work upward, you cannot skip rungs as they have to come in order…. It’s like building a house, you need to put the foundations in, then the walls and finally the roof….
Now there is a good way to help him achieve things in his life and there is a not so good way to help him achieve things……
You need to be there cheering on the side-lines, showing support and being positive.
What you don’t want to do is tell him how to do it, teach him, nag him or dissect his problems.
In short you need to be the cheerleader, not the coach…. The role of the coach is already taken by his mother. Just remember no guy wants to date his mother so don’t try to steal her job.
Looking at the pyramid you can easily identify how you can get into the Long Term Relationship rung…. Simply by showing respect, boosting his confidence and lifting his self esteem.
Try to avoid filling the gaps in the pyramid levels for him yourself, this might include things like finding him a job, buying him things, listening to all his problems like a therapist, giving him a place to stay etc. Whilst these may seem kind acts, he will perceive that you feel he is incapable of doing these things himself.
If you do this your ex-boyfriend will not feel respected by you and this will affect his confidence and this will actually prevent you from entering into a long-term relationship. Instead of pushing him through the levels of achievement, you should encourage him and give him positive reinforcement when he does something right for himself.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSummary
Even though an ex-boyfriend says he misses you he might resist re-entering into a relationship.
Getting your ex to recommit to a relationship takes an understanding of his reservations and you will need to use these to improve yourself and your situation however not all breakups are caused by you, sometimes they relate to how ready your ex-boyfriend is for a serious relationship.
By using the commitment pyramid you can work towards readying your ex-boyfriend for a higher level of commitment and a stronger relationship than you had before when you get back together.
Alexia
August 5, 2023 at 11:32 pm
Within a month after no contact he messages me to apologise and says how he misses everything we had and how his regret has come too late. I meet up with him and he doesn’t say anything about getting back together only saying how I always said that if we break up then that’s it there’s no other chance. It doesn’t feel like he actually wants to break up from what he says and does, but doenst say otherwise??
Coach Shaunna Nicol
August 12, 2023 at 3:52 pm
Hi Alexia, it sounds more that he wants to get back together but you mentioned that there was no chance if things were to end. I would suggest that you start building a connection with him through texts and meet ups and also show that you would be interested in being with him again, but take things so slow that you do not fall back into the old habits that you had in your last relationship.
Jet
August 14, 2022 at 3:38 am
Hi, my boyfriend who is avoidant possibly mix of dismissive and fearful broke up with me abruptly after 1.5 year relationship. It has kinda been like a roller coaster especially early on. he has told me he loves me and that we have created something beautiful. He got involved with my kids within the past few months and he was nervous but went very well. he broke up with me because I was nagging about an addiction he is struggling with and using to cope with a move out of state and new job that isn’t as good as he thought it would be. he says the distance is too hard and energy consuming and that he wants to date younger women and sees who else is out there as he has only been in 4 relationships with ours the only one over 6 months. he said the same about his job and has a history of this (starting grad school, quitting realizing the job he got isn’t that great and then going back to same grad program and finishing) a grass is greener guy. he said if after he goes on some dates and isn’t able to connect then he will know I am the one but encouraged me to date other guys too to see how I feel about others. Is this just an issue committing to anything? Is it worth my time to try to get him back? We connected very well and my impression is that he got hurt when I was on him and says he felt triggered like his mom triggers him. we could have a beautiful relationship if he was open to not being so rigid moving forward and content. Praying for peace for him.
Tiffany
September 17, 2020 at 8:53 pm
My ex broke off our engagement a week ago. We had an argument about disciplining my son which led to him calling off our engagement. Today he came by my place, unannounced, and told me he loves me, he misses me and thinks about me constantly but as long as things continue the way they have been he doesn’t see a future with me. I could tell by his demeanor and body language he was not open to hearing what I had to say. All I said to him was next time he wants to come and speak his piece that it needs to be on a day and time that he is open to hearing what I have to say. I told him I don’t want to argue, that I never want to argue but that I know today is not that day. He left after that without another word. I am not sure where to go from here.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 18, 2020 at 3:00 pm
Hey Tiffany, it really depends on what you want to do. Do you want him back? Then you go into a 30 days No Contact, limited if you share a child. Read some articles and follow the information if you want to get back together. If you want to move on then again, you would follow a no contact and just focus on yourself until you are feeling better.
Alice
July 13, 2020 at 7:42 am
Hi Chris,me and my ex have been in a friendly situation i finished my no contact and we have been friends like for 2 months so we scheduled to meetup he came to my house and u didnt know i asked him if he can stsrt allover again and if we can talk about the breakup,he said no and he said he doesnt want to try again.But he was still kissing me and telling me how he missed me,i told him this isnot what i want,all i want i is a relationship not just making love.
im not in that situation again i feel like he has just broken up with me again,but he kept telling me he doesnt only want sex he loves me but remember he said he doesnt want us to start again.
what should i do Chris? i feel so heartbroken again i pushed him away i refused to make love to him i olny held him tight and ofcourse close and the kissing but we didnt make love,i told him i couldnt do that since he said he doesnt want the relationship.
Please help me Chris.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 5, 2020 at 11:04 pm
Hi Alice you did the right thing not sleeping with him, however you should have refused any intimacy at all. But you have set that bar where he knows he can not get sex from you without a relationship. I would suggest that you follow a short No Contact and then start your texting phase to attempt to rebuild your connection
Pia
May 21, 2020 at 5:22 am
Hi, thank you for an interesting post and topic. My ex is obviously in some kind of survival mode since he is struggling with burnout. Now I understand better why he isn’t ready for a serious relationship. Did the NC, have been succesfully texting and have met my ex a couple of times. Last week I supported and helped my ex with a job application and cv. After that I approached by texting, he replied but no conversation came out of it so now it’s been radio silence. I kind of have taken a step back and waiting for him to come to me. He said he will help me as a thank for my help, but I sense he some how needs his own space at the moment. I guess that’s the best thing to do right now and to focus on the holy trinity. How ever I’m wondering how long it could eventually take for my ex to sort out his life, that is ofcourse something that no one can predict. That’s why I’m starting to doubt is there any point to wait around since the process can take a long time before my ex is ready again for a serious relationship. I have been dating casually other people, but I still have strong feelings for my ex. What would you recommend to do in this situation?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 7, 2020 at 11:17 am
Hi Pia, so there is no way to tell you how long it will take him you are correct. However if you are working on your Ungettable status and focusing on yourself. He can see the progress you are making with your own life he is going to be drawn to you. It is just a case of how long are you willing to wait. I would suggest that you reach out from time to time to keep that rapport going, but I would also use subtle hints that you MAY be dating. Do not confirm or deny this let him question if you have moved on or not through your social media
Syini
April 4, 2020 at 9:14 am
Hi Chris, I have finished my 30 days NC. And he has been texting and calling me during NC. So, on my 31st day I texted him using a memory text. He called me within 5 minutes, I hanged on it and contacted him later. We had a great conversation, just that towards the end he mentioned that we’re not getting back together again. Can you help me ,what to do next? Should i restart NC again? Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 9, 2020 at 11:21 pm
Hi Syini so you are not supposed to go head first into emotional conversations especially about getting back together, you need to get him talking to you in a friendly way, where you flirt now and again and increase the conversation from textings to phone calls and then meet ups slowly. This process over 3 months to complete correctly
Alejandra Alvadez
December 19, 2019 at 6:33 pm
My husband left me 2 months ago and started dating right away. We were very toxic for each other and things were awful so I was very hard broken for about a month or so. Yesterday I had to meet up with him to pick up money since he is still paying the mortgage. We met up at a bar and he was very friendly. We talked about our good times and how we are both dating other people. I explained to him that I just want to have fun and date but nothing serious. He said he was on the same plan. Then we talked about who we are dating and stuff like that. What went wrong. At that time I was suffering from depression due to our relationship. About a month ago I started to go to the gym and started taking care of myself. I started therapy 2 months ago the TMS and it has worked. I’m not on medications anymore. I feel confident, my self esteem is great and I don’t drink as much and I made a lot of changes. So we hadn’t seen each other and I had a NC rule. So yesterday when he seen me I was dressed up and looking different since I lost the weight. He was amazed about how I changed so much and just gave me compliments. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and he kissed me. I know I can’t take him back because I’m afraid things will be the same and I will loose myself again but it felt nice for him to admit that he messed up and that he knows I would not go back with him. But that kiss confused me. Then he asked me if I would hook up with him from time to time because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I’m just not sure that would be a good idea because we have so much history together. I would like to but I’m afraid I will fall for him again. What do I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 22, 2019 at 4:56 pm
100% do not hook up with him no matter what! You said it was a toxic relationship and that you can not get back with him then do not cross that line or you will end up in a even more toxic friends with benefits situation while trying to date others and going through a divorce. Do not sleep with him no matter what!
Rachel
August 25, 2019 at 1:08 am
Hi
Things were going really well for 7 months until my ex said he cannot commit, to him it may be commitment phobia. I don’t pick up his calls, he says he misses me. Now he doesn’t call. It’s been two weeks, I go to gym, he’s there because he knew I was going. He constantly compliments me and tries to kiss me. I go to dinner with mutual friends, he invites himself. We started to chat on the phone again but he’s very mean. He doesn’t like me going to the gym because other guys will look at me. I don’t understand what’s going on. He doesn’t want to be with me but he doesn’t like the idea of other guys looking at me or me dating other guys. I’m confused. Am I being emotionally abused? What should I do? Please help.
Audrey
August 17, 2019 at 9:38 pm
My boyfriend and I of about 2.5 years broke up about 5 months ago. He moved out it was very unemotional and easy for me to leave him. I thought I was okay with all of this and I never got sad up until about 2 months ago it hit me like a wall. I suddenly reAlized what i had done and that i regret not trying hard enough in our relationship. I regret not committing and working through our problems. I began to mourn the loss of of relationship and got extremely sad and even showed up at his door step crying and telling him how sorry I am for everything. I told him I wanted him back and that I want to work on things again. He said this reaction is late and that he has already accepted our break up and it growing and trying to move on with himself. I begged him to please not do this and to please let me back in his life . He said he still loves me and cares for me but that I have a lot of growing to do. I told him that I will try my best to work on myself and grow. So I’ve been trying to focus on myself and learn to be alone. These past few months I got a second job, have saved some money, enrolled in nursing school, and have been trying to just show myself and him that my life is getting better and I truly believe it has. I feel I’ve grown so much and I want him to benefit from that. While this is happening I’ve had several break downs and have called him crying telling him how much I miss him and that it’s hard to do this with out him. He tells me he knows I can get through it. I’ve seen him on and off these past few months now. I baby sit our dog we had together and he lives with my best friend so when I’m over he comes out sometimes and chats. We don’t ever really hang out that much even though I’ve asked him a few times he says he’s very busy and that I need to give him space. I’m trying to give him his space but it’s hard because I love him so much and I want to be together again but he just isn’t romantically there right now. He knows how I feel about him and that I want him back. I told him I’m trying my best to move on and forward but it’s hard. What do I do? I feel like I don’t want to kick him out of my life but I also just don’t want to just sit here and remain only friends. He feels like family to me and I don’t want to loose him but I just want more than he is giving me right now. I know he cares about me. I do laundry at his house sometimes and we talk and hang out while I’m there but I’m scared the waiting game isn’t going to turn out how I wish it to be. We also have a camping trip coming up in a month and I’m not sure if I should even go because being around him makes me just want more.
Sarah
December 19, 2018 at 2:32 am
Hi. Ex and I had a long chat about 6 weeks post break up when he came to pick up a box. He was here for almost 9 hours…. Lots of talking about changes and learning what went wrong. He said our story isn’t over, and he misses me, but needs more time. We almost slept together but stopped before… Which was the right now.
Right before he left I said I would give him more time but that I woukd continue “living my life” and he would have to reach out to me. 2 days later he texts to chat me up for a few days. Then nothing for a few days. I sent out a feeler text… And he responded but seemed cold with the back and forth. I asked if I misunderstood the reach out the previous week. He said he still wasn’t ready and was sorry for sending mixed signals. Again I said… OK… Understood he needed time and I hope I was still available when he was ready.
Meanwhile, he’s on a dating app, unsure if he has gone on any dates yet. As of our chat he said no… That was 2 weeks ago though. I have also been lining up dates… But nothing serious.
Also… We will be at the same party this Saturday.
I need a little advice…I’m nervous about the party. And nervous he is just trying to keep me as a “yet” till it’s a no.
Considering cutting ties with him and mutual friends after the party….
Chris Seiter
December 20, 2018 at 3:00 am
Hi there Sarah!
Just be yourself and smile and laugh and enjoy yourself at the party. He obviously needs time to get his act together. Don’t go out of your way to interact with him at the party.
Sophie
December 17, 2018 at 7:49 pm
Hello! I have been with my ex for 4 year and then a month later (November) he broke up with me, saying that he loves and cares for me still but just doesn’t want to be in a relationship, that we have been together for a long time now and where do you see it going and things like that and that we are young (I’m 20 he is 20 in January) and that he isn’t comfortable with himself and doesn’t love himself enough. He said he has been thinking about this for a week (at the time) and couldn’t shake off the feeling that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. I said I understand and we ended on a good note but obviously I am very upset he is amazing! But I have tried nc and failed, and I went out the other night and he and our friend Olly (we are in the same friendship group unfortunately) magically appeared after the event I went to finished, and then started hanging about with me and he started to ask me how I was and how i felt and I lied saying I was okay and that I feel better within myself and that I have more independence etc but that I was missing him and I think about him all the time, and then our conversation got interrupted and so we didn’t speak about it. Today I bloody messaged him saying I missed him and he said he missed me too but we have to move on for now and that there was nothing he could do that could stop him feeling this way. He keeps check on me every so often and recommends me things to watch, often he initiates first contact. I want to pick up some things of mine and drop some stuff round his is this a good idea? My mind is full of rubbish and I have fallen into a deep depression and have been sleeping a lot. Dreaming a lot. I’m finding this difficult and I don’t know what to do what would be best? I know he loves me but I think it’s a commitment thing? Any advice would be great! Thank you
Kate
November 15, 2018 at 9:55 pm
Hi Chris,
I see my ex regularly because of our kids, we were together 7 years. I can tell when he’s around that he misses me, and even said 2 weeks ago “the last few days I’ve regretted everything” then packed up more of his stuff and had a new girlfriend within the week.
How do I get through to him?
ananya
September 6, 2018 at 2:32 pm
hi chris..
i and my bf had 6years relationship….we broked up once..about 6 months ago…then i applied nc rule….so we got back together within 15 days…but now after 6months he broked up again.with me in August 30..by saying that i am not understanding and i dont put efforts in relation…his affection for me had gone down..and he said he is never going to back at me again..and he is saying to all his friends that he is happy to be single..after second tym we broke up i started NC rule..immediately ..it has been7 days and he started posting moving on memes in facebook onces and today he posted about..”just becoz u miss someone,that doesnt meant that u need them,its the part of moving on”…this was the lines written in his post..i am confused..my nc is working or not…plz do give me a suggestion
Chris Seiter
September 7, 2018 at 3:49 am
Hi Ananya!
Good job with getting your NC started. Its working. This is how I guy feels sorry for himself. He puts out stuff like this. Make sure you have an ex recovery plan. Pick up my eBook if you feel you need guidance!
What to do
April 19, 2018 at 10:31 am
Hey Chris,
After our second round of NC (we’ve been broken up for 5 months) my ex of 3.5 years reached out to me. We had a short, light conversation. The next day, he deleted all our pictures off social media. Then at 1:30am that same day (which was a Wednesday) I get the ‘I miss you’ text.
Should I reply? If so what do I say? Or is he just trying to get validation that I haven’t moved on, stringing me along?
Please help, thanks!
Chris Seiter
April 19, 2018 at 3:23 pm
Hey there….thanks for dropping by. Yeah…he is kind of helter skelter…trying to find himself and get connected with his feelings. 3.5 years of being together lays down roots. Ummmmmm. Consider playing along. But small steps. See if there is interest there. Nice and pleasant, but no relationship talk if you can help it. And if you have not done so, pick up a copy of my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro (website Menu/Products link) as it is an awesome Companion Guide that can help along the way of this process….and believe ex recovery is a process in lots of ways…for your own emotional recovery and for getting your ex back and figuring out what you really want.
What to do
April 19, 2018 at 6:51 pm
Hey Chris,
I was thinking of just letting the text go for now because I do not want him thinking he can use me as a back up plan or safety net whenever he is lonely. I’m better than that. But it is his birthday this weekend and he is going away so I was going to send a message tomorrow “Thanks for the text. Happy early birthday, have fun at the cabin and you can give me a shout when you get back”. What do you think??
Chris Seiter
April 19, 2018 at 10:49 pm
Hey there! I think that works. Its friendly, low key, but keeps the door open. Just go slow and easy and maintain your independence
What to do
April 19, 2018 at 3:44 pm
So what kind of response would I give him? I was thinking of something like “Yeah, I’d miss me too”… I’m interested in working things out with him but I have also done a lot for myself to gain my self worth back and I do not want him thinking that a minimal effort text is all it takes to have me running back to him, especially after some of the disrespectful ways he has treated me…
Thanks Chris!
Chris Seiter
April 19, 2018 at 10:54 pm
Hello again. Good for you. Regaining your self worth and confidence and seeing the big picture is so important in many ways. So to build value, just go it slow and easy and he needs to demonstrate he realizes he can’t take you for granted because some day, you might not be there for him. You might be there for someone else. And indeed, you should have zero tolerance for any disrespectful treatment.
Aiko
January 9, 2018 at 3:58 pm
I’ve been seeing a guy on and off for a year until he broke up with me for the third time last November.
Actually, instead of being in a relationship, we were FWB so we never went out on dates and nobody knew (except for a select few) that we were FWB.
Most people either thought we’re dating (because we’re always around each other) or just close friends. Shortly speaking, we were never official.
First time he broke up with me was because there was someone “taller and smaller” which to me it sounded like I’m short and fat. About 2 months later we got back together again (because I kept in touch, and he wanted back).
Second time he broke up with me, he was a bit vague. Said he’s a bad boy, he’s not one for a relationship, etc, and I said fine. Again, I kept in touch and he wanted back.
Third time, almost the same reason with a touch of there’s someone else he’s interested in.
All the time he was talking and giving excuses, all I could think of was “I’m done” but I kept my silence and just let him talk his balls off.
He said, he wanted to stay friends with me, to support me in my art projects, to hang out etc.
The reason I felt that I was done was because, even as a “friend” he never asked me out for coffee or really just hanging out.
I am deeply in love with him, and he knows this.
Yet, he spent time and money to go see this other girl for the whole Christmas and New Years.
This really hurt me as I realized that he doesn’t want me, never wanted me, and all this time I was just a back-up plan.
So when he said he still wants to be friends with me, I just shrugged and smiled.
When I told him that he won’t be seeing much of me anymore, he was genuinely upset and kept on saying “please, please don’t say that”.
He wanted to walk me to my car that night, but I politely rejected him and didn’t even bother to look back as I walked away.
I wasn’t planning on doing NC at first, but that same night he broke up with me, he sent me a youtube link to Golden Girl’s theme song “Thank you for being a friend”.
I have never felt so insulted in my life, I didn’t even bother to reply.
Soon after, I went into NC. I blocked him from all messenger apps, his number, and deleted all our chat history.
I didn’t unfriend him on FB at first, but it came to a point where I didn’t even want him to see my page. He liked a picture of mine, and all I felt was disgust. I unfollowed him at first, but realized it’s only a matter of time before I go stalk his page and it will be painful to see a pic of him having fun with that new girl. Rebound or not, I just didn’t want to see him with another girl.
It was painful, because I still have deep feelings for him, but I finally unfriended him on FB because I felt like he didn’t have the right to see me being happy or having fun with my family and friends.
After 2 weeks of NC, we “bumped” into each other at a party.
Honestly, I went because I wanted to see him and at the same time, to flaunt. I dolled up, and surely enough, he was there. I didn’t converse with him, just very short greetings and to this day I’m amazed of how calm and collected I was.
I was all smiles and focused on the food and on my other friends. I could see from the corner of my eye that he was stealing glances at me, but never once did I make any eye contact with him. I wanted him to see how fabulous I was and agonize the fact that he can’t touch me.
Good thing is, he didn’t try to make conversation with me and I was actually relieved by this. When he said his goodbyes to everyone, I just smiled and went back to talking with my friends.
I know, maybe going to the party counts as breaking the NC.
Anyway, I kept NC and it was easy during the holidays because he wasn’t around. You may not believe me but not once have I visited his FB, not even from a friend’s account.
Now, however, he’s back in town and due to work I sometimes have to go to his neighborhood.
I miss him, but I know for a fact that I’m not in the right mind set to see him again.
What should I say if he uses the same “I miss you. Do you miss me?” move he used twice before? That time, I answered “I miss you too.”
Now, even though it’s the truth, I don’t want to give him that satisfaction. How should I answer if he shows up with that question?
In the long run, I do want him back. I have tons of reasons (not just my imagination or justification) why we’re good together.
Just not now when I’m still raw from the pain.
I’m planning to do NC as long as it takes my heart to heal and for personal growth.
I’m just nervous about how to respond if that “do you miss me” question ever comes up.
For everything else, I know I just have to answer “I just need space for myself.”, but clueless to “do you miss me?”
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 11, 2018 at 4:46 pm
Hi Aiko,
Be cheeky. You can try something like this:
“Of course you do! Who wouldn’t miss me? 😉 Been busy lately! How’s your start of the year?”
Laura
December 3, 2017 at 12:58 am
Hi. My ex broke up with me 4 months ago. I have been good at NC but we have a ton of mutual friends and group chats that we both participate in but don’t communicate directly to each other. He tells our mutual friends he misses me and hanging out with everyone (the group of friends are mine he got close with). His reason for breaking up was he felt I loved him more and he wasn’t sure about how he felt about me. But he recently started dating a new girl. He showed up this week to a bar he knew I’d be at to hang out with me and the group (he would never show up before despite the invites our friends gave him) so why is he showing up more now. On one hand I hear he’s worried of hurting me but on the other now that he has a new girl he’s been a little more social. I’m at a loss what should I do? It’s making me nervous to be out with my friends. I don’t think I could stomach him bringing his new girl around to the friend group I introduced him to.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 5, 2017 at 1:36 am
Hi Laura,
that means your no contact period is working.. he’s getting curious on why you’re not chasing.
Jo
November 11, 2017 at 4:38 am
I finished 30 days of successful no contact with my ex. I came out stronger than ever and truly happy with my life. I still love my ex and want to be with him but I’m in a place where I need to choose myself first. Background… we dated for a year and a half. Mostly long distance and worked out fine saw each other every two weeks. He blindsided me and broke up with me just as he was about to leave the country for med school. We knew about this before getting into a relationship and he convinced me that he wanted to stay together. So I stayed. Until a few days before he left and he shocked me with his decision. Anyway I contacted him after the 30 days and he freaked out then acted desperate that he really needed to call me. We chat and he’s saying things like “I don’t know if I gave up the best thing I ever had” “what if I finish med school and I’m not happy because I don’t have what I really want” etc. I told him he has some things to figure out. The conversation ended on a good note and he wanted to make sure he’d be able to talk to me again. So we talked the next couple of days and he’s acting flirty. Sending kiss/heart emojis, bringing up hypothetical situations where he saves me and that even if he died trying it would be worth every moment. Saying that he’s just so happy that I’m talking to him etc. But I don’t think he will commit to a relationship again considering he broke it the first time because he needed to focus on school and not being in love with me. That he can’t do both. I don’t know if that’s changed or not and how Can I get him to consider the idea that he can have both? My responses have been friendly and a little flirty. I haven’t matched him in that department though because I’m keeping my guard up a bit. Am I doing the right thing? He also mentioned that he’s having a hard time focusing on school because he’s thinking of me and missing me / wondering if he lost the best thing … which is contradictory to his original reasoning. What should I do here?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 13, 2017 at 12:59 am
Hi Jo,
check this one:
Do You Have The Same Values As Your Ex? (With Chase Kosterlitz)
Sunny
November 6, 2017 at 11:54 am
My ex contacted me after choosing his ex over me. When he chose her I walked away. It had been 3 months of no contact. Turns out she is pregnant with their child now and he’s still with her, but saying he’s unhappy and he missed me. He said that nothing has changed in terms of how he feels about us and doesn’t want to get back together, but something has changed because he felt compelled to reach out to me and that he needed me in his life. And he didn’t know what was going to happen between us in the future. I don’t know what to do. I’m incredibly hurt but still love him. Do I stay in contact or just walk again unless he leaves her? There’s a baby now that’s going to change everything.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 6, 2017 at 8:27 pm
HI Sunny,
Ofcourse you walk away..
Melinda
September 17, 2017 at 10:08 am
Hi. I am 22 years old and I broke up with my boyfriend just less than 3 months ago. We were together for 18 months. He was my first. And he initiated the break up. His reason at that time was that he wanted me to focus on my studies (Medical school) and didn’t want me to feel burdened or pressured to marry him because he was ready for that (He is 33). On the other hand I was still planning my future, but was planning to settle with him once my future plans were clear and had some direction. I know that medical school and marriage seem like a long short, but a lot of people have done it and are still pulling it off. From the onset of the relationship. My future plans and his future plans were very clear. So I didn’t bye his reason for breaking up with me. Because we had promised each other that we would find a way to make it work. But he seemed pretty calm and set with his plans so after begging him (like 2 days after the break up.) I decided to go on NC for 2 months. Although he called me on my birthday, which was 3 weeks into the NC. I resumed the NC soon after that one birthday call. Just to complicate this situation even more. two weeks before our break-up, he was burying his father. So his dad had just died. But he said he had been considering the decision for a long time. On top of that, his older siblings and parents had encouraged him to break off the whole relationship because it would be unfair for me since i had these big dreams. So i believe his decision had a lot of influence. But I was ok with the idea of pursuing my career together with him. So two months after the break up. I was losing my mind. I had exams in a few weeks and I was failing to cope because I kept replaying the relationship in my head trying to find out what really went wrong. We were really happy, and we didn’t always agree but we were genuinely happy. So nothing made sense. I started asking my friend to just greet him and ask him about me, but they just encouraged me to contact him so I could find closure. So after panicking for a while, I ended up calling and I calmly told him that my intention was just to understand why he suddenly lost hope in the relationship. He said it was ok and he would call that same week. Which he didnt, we did chat a little here and there. The following week he sent a text saying that “it may confuse me, but he does love me. He just thought that i had issues(I assumed its my depression, coz he didnt mention those issues) to deal with and he wanted me to deal with them without his influence. He also said I wasn’t quite ready as he wanted me to be.” So this all he could say, I tried to get more clarification because I was even more confused since this time he didn’t say anything about Medical school. Whatever it was that made him break up, he keeps saying it was of me and something i had to deal with. But he didnt have a problem with me as a person.
So with this backstory, i would just like to know how I should move forward although when I asked him if he would ever reconsider me, he said he doesn’t know the future. He told me to move on but he would like to stay in contact with me and does not want us to hate each other. I decided to stop talking to him because I am still deeply hurt. I had planned my life around him and I invested so much. So I didn’t want to keep reminding him how hurt me and I can’t be friends with him. Atleast not now. But on some days like today I find myself dying to talk to him just to find out how he is doing. I am also trying to figure my future out right now so I don’t want my future will be like. All i know is that in the next few months I want to make something great of myself. I am tried of being depressed. And lastly, he doesn’t like social media. Hates Facebook. So the only way I can “show” him I am improving is through whatsapp profile pictures. I do want him back but I want him to want me back and be sure of me.
I don’t have money to buy the ex boyfriend recovery pro so that you guys can help me, but I would really like your expert advice even if it just a comment or email. What could be going through his mind and how should I approach the whole no contact plan?
Thank you
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 20, 2017 at 10:50 am
HI Melinda,
he doesn’t have to like social media.. If he gets curious, he will still check your account. So, you still have to be active in it.. but it looks like you were clingy or somehow he felt suffocated with you because you said it yourself, you made your life around him and invested so much in him..
Elisa
September 7, 2017 at 12:47 pm
My boyfriend of 2.5 years says he has no “relationship feelings” for me anymore but still “has caring love for me” and “isn’t in the place for a relationship in life right now.” This has been going on for two months now. I tried NC, he even contacted me two months ago to ask if i wanted to meet up then we didnt speak for three weeks then i let temptation give in and i called him four times and texted him that i missed him, and he agreed to meet up with me only to say the same things and also (i go to school across the country but we met in high school and dated before i went off to college), he said “i cant be in a relationship with someone across the country.” He told me he wanted to stay friends and that i could text him whenever i wanted, he always claims to be “so busy” with work which he is but it’s really b/c he doesn’t want to talk to me. He ignored me twice so then i stopped texting for 2+ weeks then reached out again and we texted for over an hour. I talked about his favorite car and stuff like that and he mentioned he misses the intimacy we had “but just doesnt have relationship feelings anymore.” He didn’t ask to hookup as I reminded him that I don’t do that but I agreed on missing the intimacy as well which kinda surprised him. I asked him to text me when he’a free this week and he told me he would. Then I offered to come to his new apartment since I hadn’t seen it and he told me he didn’t want “our emotions to raise being around a bed” so i said “omg that makes sense u seemed like u didn’t want me to cone before” and he assumed i was mad, but i reassured him that i wasn’t and that id just like to see him. This convo was Saturday night. What do I do? I go back to school in less than 2 weeks. Should I do NC again? What if he never texts me for our hangout this week? I do not want to lose this guy, for more than 2 years he was nothing but sweet and now he’s this. It’s awful.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 7, 2017 at 9:37 pm
Hi Elisa,
when and how long did you do nc? How active were you improving yourself and in posting?