How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back -Version 2.0-

The main goal of this website has always been very simple.

To teach women how to get their ex boyfriends back.

Every single article that has ever been written for this site has centered on an area of the overall ex recovery process. In early April of 2013 I released an article entitled how to get your ex boyfriend back. That 10,000 word guide detailed a step by step process that helped women get their ex boyfriends back.

As of today that guide has garnered over 3,800 comments (and still counting.) Of course, we live in an age where people only want the “latest” information and while I am extremely proud of my “super guide” it is a little outdated.

In fact, not only is it a bit old but I know a lot more about getting exes back than I did in the early stages of last year.

So, I came up with a pretty clever idea.

What would happen if I wrote another large guide on how to get your ex boyfriend back that completely updated my philosophy?

Well, something tells me that I will have a lot of happy people on this site! So, here it is. This is going to be my updated guide on how to get your ex boyfriend back.

The Most In-Depth Ex Boyfriend Report Ever?

If you aren’t already aware I would like to tell you that I have written two books on ex boyfriends. One of the books is about the complete step by step process to getting an ex boyfriend back (something that goes in far greater detail than I will be going into here.) The second book is all about the attraction process. It is about how you can optimize your chances of re-attracting your ex boyfriend.

Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO – A step by step guide that will teach you how to get your ex boyfriend back.

The Secrets of Attracting Men – A guide about how you can re-attract your ex boyfriend (or attract any man in general.)

If you really want to have everything you could ever want when it comes to getting your ex back those are probably the two best resources available right now. Check them out.

Lets move on.

A Truth You Are Going To Have To Accept


It’s funny.

I remember when I wrote the very first “how to get your ex boyfriend back” guide I wrote a section exactly like this one. Turns out that in the last year absolutely nothing has changed.

Getting your ex boyfriend back is not an exact science. Most “experts” out there would have you believe that if you buy their product that you are guaranteed to get him back. The truth is that there are no guarantees when it comes to this. Most of the women reading this guide will probably fail. I used to think that this was just the way it was. That when people break up they don’t get back together because that was the way the world worked.

Well, something I was shocked to learn was the fact that most women fail to get their exes back because they are undisciplined.

Let me give you an example. Lets say that you read this entire page and absorbed the information. Now, I am pretty good at making complicated subjects easy to understand so I promise you that you will understand everything in this guide. If you absorbed the information and knew exactly what to do to raise your chances of getting your ex back you still might fail because YOU failed to put the information into practice.

That is the real challenge here.

Understanding what you need to do to get your ex boyfriend back is the easy part. Actually putting it into practice is the hard part.

What This Page Covers

down to business

Obviously this page is going to be about how you can get your ex boyfriend back. I am sure if you go back to the original guide you will find a section similar to this one and you may find some major similarities between the two but I guarantee you that there are a lot of new concepts to teach.

Here are a few of the new things that I will be covering on this page:

  • If you should get your ex back or you should move on (weighing percentages.)
  • My updated philosophy on the no contact rule.
  • An update on the phone calls.
  • More advice on how to get your ex back in person.

Of course, even the old things that were covered in the previous guide will be getting an update and you will be getting my new take on:

  • Things you should do during the no contact rule and why they are essential.
  • What you should text your ex boyfriend.
  • Your “Game Plan” for getting him back.
  • The different type of responses to texting and what to do when you get them.
  • How to approach a phone call with your ex boyfriend.

Alright enough talk. Lets get to the actual “guide.”

Knowing How To Weigh Your Chances


A question I get all the time in the comments section of this site is,

“Do I even have a chance of getting him back?”

The truth is that technically you always have a chance to get your ex boyfriend back. However, what you really want to know is how good your chances are of getting him back. I created this section in the guide because I feel that sometimes going after an ex boyfriend isn’t always going to benefit you in the end and I want to help you determine which situations are like that.

It’s All About A Happy Ending


Do you know what I want for you?

I want you to get back with your ex boyfriend and have a happy ending. I want you to get married, have kids and pretty much have the absolute best outcome possible after implementing this game plan. Unfortunately, not everyone can obtain this type of happy outcome.

Ok, I am about to lay down a hard dose of reality.

Take a step back from your current situation and ask yourself,

“Can I have a happy ending with my ex boyfriend?”

For example, if any of the following things happened you may have trouble answering that question honestly:

  • You cheated on him.
  • He cheated on you.
  • He abused you emotionally.
  • You abused him emotionally
  • Your fights got out of hand frequently.
  • If he has a new SERIOUS girlfriend (not a rebound.)

(If he abused you physically then DO NOT try to get him back. You need to find help and you may even need to call the police.)

If you look at the list above and find that you have done one or more of the things there you may be freaking out. Well, I didn’t say it was impossible to get your ex boyfriend back if any of the things on the list above were committed. All I am saying is that your chances of getting him back will be decreased.

In the end it is your decision on whether or not to try to get him back. However, I will tell you in all honesty that your chances may be seriously hurt if any of the things above happened.

Ok, lets recap.

A Quick Recap

  • The first step to weighing your chances is asking yourself if a happy ending is in sight for you and your ex. If you can’t envision one then it probably isn’t a good idea to try to get him back.
  • One of the keys to seeing a happy ending is trying your best to look at the situation without bias (which I realize I am telling the most biased people on the planet this haha.)
  • You should also weigh your chances by taking a look at what happened in your relationship. Specifically what caused the breakup.
  • If things like cheating, emotional abuse, BAD fighting have occurred then your chances of success will not be as high.
  • It is important to distinguish between a rebound girlfriend and a serious girlfriend. If your ex has gotten a serious new girlfriend then your chances of success will not be very high.

Your Game Plan For Success

(If you would like a full in-depth game plan on how to get your ex back check out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)

It has been about a year since I last put my original game plan for getting an ex boyfriend back into writing. That means that I have had an entire year to make tweaks and evolve my philosophy to improve your chances of getting him back.

While this new game plan is very similar to the old one found on my very first guide on getting an ex boyfriend back there are a few major differences.


Well, let me put it this way. When you help hundreds of women succeed in getting their boyfriends back you learn a thing or two about what works and what doesn’t work. As a result of seeing many successes it is only natural that your philosophy evolves.

Of course, before I can go into the specifics of what you need to do it is probably best for me to talk about the overall “game plan” that we are going to be following for success:

get ex back game plan

Ok, that was a lot to digest so lets take a moment and break down what all of this means.

Dissecting The Game Plan

In my infinite wisdom ;) I have learned that the best way to get your ex back is to slowly build attraction.

Let me ask you a question. If you were given two choices:

  1. To rush to get your ex boyfriend back as soon as possible.
  2. To take your time and slowly build attraction to get him back.

Which do you think yields the higher success rate?


It seems so obvious when I put it into terms like that doesn’t it?

However, the mistake that most women make is the fact that they just want the pain they are feeling (the lonliness, depression, etc) to stop as soon as possible and they rush the ex recovery process.

This is not something that you should rush. Often times going slow is better than going fast.

Lets take a look at the game plan above now.

(Don’t worry if this doesn’t make sense to you right now because I will be going over every step in a much more in-depth manner in a minute.)

Use The No Contact Rule

The no contact rule has many functions. For one, it is going to drive your ex crazy that you are ignoring him. Ideally, it is going to make him realize what he has lost. However, it is also going to give you a chance to work on yourself and get your mind in the right place.

Send Text Messages

There is a certain way that you need to send a text message after the no contact rule has been completed. I will teach you exactly how a bit later in this guide.

Build Attraction In Texts

Once you establish a texting conversation with your ex it is your goal to build attraction in that conversation to make him want you. The end goal is to either get him on the phone or to get a date. It doesn’t matter what happens first just that it happens. Most likely though he will end up giving you a call.

Attraction Leads To Phone Calls

I hope by now you see what we are doing? Essentially, we are slowly working our way to a date where you can reconnect with him on an emotional and physical level. Once you have him on the phone keep building that attraction to get your date.

Phone Call Leads To A Date

If you have built enough attraction through texts and phone calls it is only inevitable that you will get a date. Once you get this date you can work on reconnecting with your ex boyfriend and hopefully get rid of the “ex” and make him your boyfriend.

The No Contact Rule

don't talk to me

Have you ever heard that phrase,

Silence is a source of great strength?

Well, the no contact rule kind of abides by that philosophy. If you are new to this site then let me say up front that I have written a lot about the no contact rule.


Because it is an essential step of this entire process. What I am going to do now is give you a few quick links to some of the most popular no contact pages I have written.

  • The No Contact Rule – This article is basically an introduction into the no contact rule. It talks about what it is, how to perform it and how it can benefit you.
  • The Male Mind During No Contact – This one basically talks about everything that is going on inside your exes mind once you perform the no contact rule on him.
  • What If He Doesn’t Contact You During No Contact – Every woman’s greatest fear about the no contact rule is if she performs it and he doesn’t contact her. This guide specifically covers that.

Believe me when I tell you that the no contact rule is an absolute vital part of the “get your ex back” process. However, watching people do it for the last year I have learned some very interesting things that I didn’t know when I first talked about no contact.

First though, lets talk a little about what the no contact rule is.

The No Contact Rule- A period of time where you aren’t allowed to respond to phone calls, texts, facebooks, snap chats, emails or anything else from your ex. In addition to that you are not allowed to reach out to your ex at all during the no contact time frame.

Now, what I am about to say next may shake the beliefs of my most loyal readers. When I first created the “get your ex boyfriend back” process I was dead set on having the no contact rule at 30 days and I still am. In other words, that means for 30 days you can’t call, text or respond to your ex at all.

However, now that I have seen so many people try the no contact rule I have decided that in some cases a shorter no contact period may be best.

Let me give you an example of a case like that.

Lets pretend that you decide that you want to use the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend. Around day 5 your ex starts realizing that you are ignoring him and he sends you a text message like this:

threatenings message

Believe it or not this is the type of message that I have seen multiple women get during the no contact rule.

A message like this is pretty bad right?

Actually no, it meas that your ex boyfriend wants to talk to you more than anything and that is a good thing. A message like this is essentially a hissy fit where he is going to threaten you by cutting you out of his life. It’s funny, whenever a guy pulls out a message like this I always think back to that TV show “24.” Basically, “24” is about a counter terrorism unit agent called Jack Bauer. The whole show is based around the principle that the United States doesn’t negotiate with terrorists (well, unless they really really have to… but that is besides the point.)

When your ex boyfriend threatens you in this way I view him, and this may be a little extreme, but I view him as a terrorist and we don’t negotiate with terrorists. However, the sheer fact that he is so upset about you using the no contact rule on him tells us that no contact is working it’s magic on him faster than normal.

Now, I am not going to lie to you. The big risk with the no contact rule is the fact that you could potentially anger your ex boyfriend to the point where he doesn’t want to talk to you at all so he can kind of “get back” at you for ignoring him.

That is why I have come up with an alternative to the 30 day no contact rule.

What is it?

The 21 day no contact rule.

21 Days Vs. 30 Days

I already know this is going to confuse the heck out of people so I really want you to pay attention to what I say here.

The 21 day no contact rule is not something you can start off with. It is only an option you have if things go your way. Again, I realize this may be a little confusing so let me give you a live example.

Pretend that I am your ex boyfriend. Since you are a very smart woman you are going to use the no contact rule on me. You are going to start off by using the 30 day no contact rule. Early within that no contact period (lets say around day 6) I start to send you a lot of text messages asking you where you are. Of course, you ignore them because you are in the no contact rule. During day 7 of the no contact rule I start to get angry and I send you a text message like the “mock example” I gave above.

You know, the “Ill erase you from my phone if you don’t message me.”

If this happens then you should feel proud of yourself because that means that I desperately want you to talk to me. In this particular case you can have the option to shorten your 30 day no contact rule to 21 days. Do you see how it works?

Only if the no contact rule is working can you shorten your 30 day period to 21 days.

No Contact Is A Battle On Two Fronts

(If you want more advice on how to appear more attractive during the no contact rule check out The Secrets of Attracting Men.)

two fronts

A lot of people don’t realize this but the no contact rule is meant to work in two different ways. In other words, you are going to be fighting a battle on two fronts at the same exact time. Sounds pretty crazy huh? Allow me to expand on it a little bit more.

The first way that no contact is supposed to work is that it’s supposed to have an affect on your ex boyfriend.

The second way is that it allows you to look inwards and improve yourself.

The key to a successful no contact rule is combining the two which is something that I am going to talk about right now.

Front One – Self Improvement

self improevemnt

Have you ever heard that question,

If you can’t love yourself then how can you love someone else?

Self improvement during the no contact rule is all about starting at point A to get to point Z (point Z obviously being your ex.) It always irks me when women come to this site, read about the no contact rule and then completely disregard the fact that self improvement is a part of it.

I am going to get mean for a moment here.

Right now you aren’t good enough to get your ex boyfriend back. You are emotional, your life is out of balance and quite honestly your confidence is probably lower than ever. I plan on helping you change that. I want you to re-invent yourself. I want you to become someone so incredible that not only can your ex boyfriend NOT resist you but pretty much every other man on the face of the earth too.

I want you to become the ungettable girl.

The Ungettable Girl

The ungettable girl is a concept that I came up with to describe a girl that can pretty much make any man crazy. I remember sitting at my desk and asking myself,

“If I were to create a girl that can make any man chase her (especially her ex boyfriend) what would she be like?”

Lets talk about that for a second now. What would the “perfect” girl be like?

I think the first thing that you have to understand is that every man out there loves the chase. They may say that they hate it but the truth is that deep down we all kind of like it when we can’t get the girl at first. Besides, when we finally do get the girl it makes us feel like we won the ultimate prize.

The ungettable girl has to have the entire package.

She has to have beauty. She has to have brains. She has to be funny. She has to be sexy. Essentially, she has to be everything that every man could ever want. Remember, the goal of becoming the ungettable girl isn’t to just please your ex boyfriend. It’s to please every single man on the planet.

So, how are you supposed to achieve all this?

(Because clearly you aren’t any of this right now.)

Well, lets start by talking about a few of the specific aspects of the ungettable girl.

  • Beauty
  • Personality
  • Confidence
  • Popularity

Ok, I guess that is more than a few “aspects” but you want to do this right, right?


It’s always funny to me that in movies they always say something like,

“Looks don’t matter.”

What I am about to say might make a few women angry but I honestly don’t care. I am not here to tell you what you want to hear. I am here to deal with the truth and the truth is that looks matter to men. I can honestly say that I have never pointed at a woman who is clearly ugly and thought to myself,

“Wow… she’s an ungettable girl.”

I am sorry it just doesn’t happen.

My eye isn’t caught by an overweight woman walking into a room. No, it is caught by the fit looking beauty that walked in behind the whale.

Yes I said it, WHALE!


(Told you I’m not holding anything back.)

Now, if you are sitting here reading this and you feel a little overweight then consider this your wake up call. Get off your lazy butt and do something about it. You have 21-30 days of time to do something about it so don’t just sit there and waste that time.

Oh, and I don’t want to hear excuses.

I hear excuses all day long from women. You know what, I don’t care about your excuse. I want to see results from you not hear some stupid excuse. Use this time to get in the best shape of your life because you know what, things are going to start falling into place for you if you do so.


Do you want to know how much personality matters to men?

Let me tell you a little story and trust me when I say that everything I talk about below really happened to me.

I have debated telling this story for months because the truth is I am not fond of telling personal stories that talk about other people but this one so clearly illustrates the point I am making here that I can’t resist. A year ago I met this beautiful girl.  Now, let me tell you that I am quite picky so this girl was really something looks wise to catch my attention.

This site wasn’t in existence yet when I met her so I hadn’t thought up the concept of an ungettable girl but looking back she was definitely had the goods “looks wise” to be an UG (ungettable girl.)

The two of us quickly hit it off and initially her personality was pretty great.

Then it happened.

Slowly but surely I started to get to know the real her and I learned that her personality was very unstable. Seriously, she was the worst type of girl out there. She was a girl who thought her personality was fantastic when in reality it was horrible.

Want to know what I disliked the most about it?

Have you ever read that children’s book “The Giving Tree?”

Well, the book is basically about this tree that loves this little boy with all it’s heart. The little boy keeps asking the tree to give him things and the tree, since it loves the little boy, gives the little boy everything he asks for. As the boy grows up he keeps asking the tree to give him things and the tree does. By the end of the book the boy has grown into an old man and the tree is nothing but a stump.

the giving tree

Essentially, the boy had taken so much from the tree that the tree had nothing left to give.

This “beautiful” girl made me feel like the tree. While I was definitely not in love with her (didn’t even date her) I did have feelings for her and she knew that and used them to take advantage of me. I remember she always used to say,

“I am a great friend to everyone!”

When she said that I remember rolling my eyes and thinking to myself,

“Sure you are.”

The point was that eventually I stopped being friends with her because I learned she treated everyone like this. Every single friend she had she would just take and take and take until the friends had nothing left to give and I refused to have that happen to me.

This is when I learned something absolutely amazing.

What was the first thing that I said about this girl?

I said she was beautiful right?

Well, after I learned about her personality every time I looked at her picture on Facebook I no longer found her attractive. Seriously, she was a beautiful girl but her personality made her looks horrible to me. That was when I learned that looks and personality have a direct correlation.

The two will always be linked and the key to an ungettable girl is that she has high marks in both looks and personality.


If I had to take a guess I would say that right now your confidence is pretty much down in the dumps.

Hey, I am not blaming you. You just had your heart ripped out. I don’t think you would be human if you were all happy after a breakup. Nevertheless, you aren’t going to get your ex boyfriend back if you aren’t confident with yourself.

Even more important, there is no way in he** you are going to become an ungettable girl without confidence.

There’s that word again, confidence.

What the heck does it mean? So often you hear the advice,

“Oh, just be confident.”


“If you are confident you can get any man.”

That is nice and all but what the heck is this confidence and how the heck do you get it? I am a guy so I feel I can bring a unique perspective when it comes to confidence for women. I have had the privileged of meeting a lot of confident women throughout my life.

Some are the perfect amount of confidence and some are way too confident that it is off-putting. Lets start there, with the worst case scenario when it comes to confidence.

Have you ever met a guy that you really liked at first. He was good looking, had a good job and his personality seemed to be relatively normal. However, once you got to know him you learned that all he seemed to talk about were his muscles. He was so self absorbed and conceited that you were immediately turned off by him.

A lot of women don’t know this but there is actually an equivalent to that. Something that women can do that can be a complete turn off to men.

I once knew this woman who would always tell me that she was the most confident person ever. Seriously, she would repeatedly tell me about how confident she is in herself.

(FYI.. she totally wasn’t.)

The point is that someone who is truly confident doesn’t need to say that they are confident they just are. Women who try too hard to be confident and feel the need to prove it is a total turn off to men.

Most men prefer someone who has such strong self belief that they just exude confidence. Almost like it is just natural to them. A girl who smiles a lot, who is completely classy and is not ashamed of who she is. One thing that I believe is that becoming confident relies heavily on two factors.

  1. How much you believe in yourself.
  2. And not caring what anyone thinks of you.

If you can master these two things then don’t worry, you are well on your way to becoming confident. Want to take a look at the most confident animal ever? Consider yourself warned.



Throughout this site I have talked about the idea of social proof on multiple occasions.

What is social proof?

Well, it is an idea that I picked up from probably the strangest community ever, pickup artists. Hey, I don’t want those judging glares from you ladies. The only reason I researched tactics there was to find stuff that I could use to help YOU to get your ex back.

Anyways, the way social proof works is kind of clever.

Imagine that you were in a bar and everyone in that bar was giving you a lot of attention. Hmmm… picture this happening to you:


Alright, you are getting a lot of attention from guys. Well, in the warped mind of men a girl who is actually hit on a lot by other men is perceived as higher value and more attractive.

THIS is social proof.

Now, how can you use this to your advantage when it comes to your ex boyfriend?

Well, I don’t think it is any coincidence that every single ungettable girl out there is well liked by all of her friends and is extremely popular. Besides, a little jealousy never hurts to make an ex realize how much he truly cares for you.

I recommend that you use this no contact period as a time to socialize and have amazing experiences your friends. Heck, I don’t even think its a bad idea to go on a date with someone new to just to test the waters.

In other words, go out and enjoy life. Don’t just sit around waiting for your ex to call.

Front Two – The Effect It Has On Your Ex Boyfriend

miss you

So, while you are working on self improvement the no contact rule should simultaneously be having an effect on your ex boyfriend.

Now, before I start getting into specifics someone in the comments section of this website made me aware of a big flaw with the no contact rule. If you remember, before this “updated” philosophy on the no contact rule I originally told women to go into the 30 day no contact rule no matter what.

That means if you and your ex had a major fight you would be going into the no contact rule for 30 days on the heels of that major fight. While doing that would certainly give you and your ex time to cool down it also means that your ex has a lot of anger towards you.

Rather recently I wrote a guide where I discussed a major psychological concept.

(For the life of me I can’t remember what that concept was called.)

Anyways, this concept basically says that the things that people remember the most when it comes to relationships are the beginnings and endings of that relationship. Well, if you have a major fight at the end of your relationship and you immediately go into the no contact rule then the last thing that your ex is going to remember is that major fight.

Therein lies our flaw. If your ex is super angry with you during the no contact rule then the chances of it working on him the way that it is supposed to will be decreased.

So, how do we solve this little problem?

Working Around The Flaw

One of my favorite movies to watch is Inception.

The amount of thought behind that movie just blows me away every time I watch it. Anyways, I am a little weird. When I watch a movie that I really like there are certain phrases or quotes that stick with me for life. In the movie Inception there is a certain phrase that Leonardo DiCaprio’s character mutters that I still think about today.

Positive emotions trump negative emotions every single time.

I think that particular quote applies to this little predicament. If you can get your ex into a positive mindset as opposed to a negative one before you go into the no contact rule then the chances of no contact working will be greatly increased.

I guess the question now becomes how can you put your ex into a positive mindset.

For some women it may be impossible to achieve. No matter what they say or do their ex may be so stubborn he will refuse to calm down until the no contact rule is completed. Nevertheless, a classy text message from you is better than nothing.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I am a HUGE fan of classy girls.

I have been on this planet for quite a while and have dealt with my fair share of women who aren’t classy. Let me tell you that it is actually a really nice thing to encounter one who is extremely classy. Even in defeat and make no mistake about it for you a breakup with your ex is a defeat.

If you or your ex had a huge fight or left things on bad terms before you are about to do the no contact rule then I think it would benefit you to send a text message like this:


While that text message may look like an apology it really isn’t if you read it carefully. It’s just a really classy woman willing to be mature about the situation. It doesn’t matter if your ex responds to the message or not. Oh, and if he does respond to a message like this you aren’t supposed to respond to him. Remember, you are going right into no contact after you send this message.

The main point is that he reads it and maybe feels a little bit better. You want him in that positive mindset before you go into the no contact rule and a message like this may do the trick to get him in that mindset.

Lets take a look at how NC is supposed to work on him.

How It Works On Him

To be honest I am tired of talking about the negative “what ifs.”

I feel that so far in this guide I have just been talking about how to avoid those negative “what if’s.” Lets turn our attention to some of the positive “what if’s.” Lets imagine for a minute that you are doing a no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and it is working. Lets talk about the effect that it should have on him.

Relationships have this funny way of creating this bond between two people.

Heck, even the “talking” stage before you are even dating someone officially has a way of doing that. Every single little action that, that person takes is magnified. Every time they talk to someone you take note of it and every time they do something it affects you.

There is only one way I know how to describe this bond but it is going to require some role playing from you and I.

Lets say that you and I just started dating and we are in the same room together. More specifically, we are both sitting on a couch and watching a TV show. You decide that you are hungry and you get up to make a sandwich. Now, you are a sandwich making master. While your sandwiches are amazing they do take time to make.

So, you have gotten up from the couch and are now in the kitchen. About 7 minutes pass and I decide that I can’t bear to be without you so I decide to follow you to the kitchen to talk to you.

That pull that made me get up off the couch to see you in the kitchen is the bond. It’s this internal bond that makes me think the following thought:

“I can’t bear to be without her.. Heck, I can’t bear to NOT be in the same room with her.”

The no contact rule is meant to tap into this bond. To use silence as a way of making an ex realize that life really sucks without you. The idea is to make him think back to the days where he didn’t have you and make him realize how miserable he was without you in his life.

THAT is the effect that the no contact rule should have on an ex boyfriend.

Sending And Building Attraction In Text Messages

(If you want more step by step instructions on text messages check out my guide Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)


I know we have gone over a lot so take a moment and catch your breath because we still have a lot to cover.

Scroll back up to the “Game Plan.” What were steps two and three?

Sending text messages and building attraction through them.

Well, in this section of the guide I am going to be covering both of those things. First though, I want to take a moment and explain why text messages are preferred over a phone call.

Why Text Messages?

You do realize that you just cut this person out of your life for a period of time right?

Most men are much more perceptive of stuff like this than they let on. For example, whenever I care about someone I notice everything when it comes to text messaging. I notice when they are sad. I notice when they are happy. I notice when they start pulling away. But most importantly, I notice when they are ignoring me.

Trust me when I say that your ex boyfriend will notice that you have ignored him.

So, calling him up out of the blue probably isn’t the best play. I would rather you go with what society has dictated the most personal form of communication, the text message.

Text messages have many different advantages.

Throughout Ex Boyfriend Recovery you may have seen me mention that text messaging is non threatening. For that reason it is perfect to use after the no contact rule.

However, one of the things I have learned through helping thousands of women is that you should really only have two goals when it comes to text messaging after the no contact rule.

Your Two Goals

Your entire game plan when it comes to text messaging is going to revolve around two goals. Of course, when you take a step back you will learn that the two goals really compliment each other. If you successfully complete one then you can successfully complete the other.

So, what are these two goals.

Goal 1- To build attraction with your ex boyfriend.

Goal 2- To transition from text messages to talking on the phone.

Often times the best way to get an ex boyfriend on the phone is to build attraction with him and if you happen to be very successful in building that attraction you may luck out and he could ask you on a date. Let’s assume the worst though and assume that the best you can do is get an ex boyfriend on the phone. Well, talking on the phone with an ex boyfriend is your stepping stone to a date. So, as you can see every step in this process is meant to get you that date so you can get him back.

One thing I do want to say is that many women make the mistake of skipping goal one and going straight to goal two before building attraction. This is a major mistake because this is the very definition of rushing the process and trust me when I say this is a process that can’t be rushed.

You have a very clear path to what you are supposed to do:

Building Attraction = Phone Calls

If you follow that simple structure during your texting phase then I guarantee you are going to have some nice success.

How To Build Attraction In Text Messages


When it comes to building attraction (or in your case re-building attraction) you can’t be overeager.

The number one mistake I see from women when it comes to this phase of my philosophy is that they are too eager to see an end result. Attraction isn’t built that way. True attraction is built slowly and carefully. It isn’t something that you cant just manufacture overnight with a few text messages. It is something that has to slowly develop. It is something that requires discipline and patience and even though I am about to show you exactly what you need to do to build attraction I am positive that 90% of the women reading this will fall victim to their own emotions and desires and fail to do things correctly.

Why do I say that?

I have helped a lot of women try to get their exes back. I can only think of a handful that I have helped that were able to pull this off. It’s not because they were more intelligent or special than anyone else. It was because they had discipline, patience and most importantly, confidence.

I guess the point I am trying to make here is that if you follow my advice in this section you should be able to re-build attraction with your ex boyfriend.

The First Contact Text

Your first true test is going to happen immediately after the no contact period.

You have essentially ignored your ex for 30 days (or 21 days depending on some situations.) How in the world are you supposed to approach this situation?

Simple, you are going to have to send a compelling text message. I always find myself telling people to make their text messages so interesting that their ex has no choice but to respond to it. Sadly, I feel no one takes my advice when it comes to this.

Most women are content to send a simple,

“Hey, whats up?”

or my personal favorite,


I am going to teach you something about men by teaching you something about myself.

I HATE ONE WORD TEXT MESSAGES. Not only that but I hate text messages with no substance. It always annoys me when I get a lame response from a girl. What do I consider to be a lame response? One word texts and messages with absolutely no substance at all.

Seriously, I roll my eyes and put my phone down for a few moments whenever I receive responses like these. I take a few moments and debate whether or not I should even respond. So, let me ask you something. What makes you think that any guy is different from me? What makes you think that any guy would be ok with receiving a lame response?

Don’t be the girl who doesn’t put any thought behind her text messages. Be the most interesting person he is currently texting.

Here is an example of an interesting text that you can use for first contact.

first contact

There are two really important things to talk about with this message.

First, there is the initial,

“You are not going to believe what happened to me…”

I absolutely think that little message is the most clever thing ever. Seriously, if someone sent “you are not going to believe what happened to me..” to you, your mind is probably going to race with possibilities.

“What could it be?”

“I Just have to find out!”

In my experience, you should get a response when you send the “you won’t believe..” initial message out. However, that is only one half of the equation. Now you have to come up with a compelling story that will cause your ex boyfriend to respond to you.

I don’t recommend you copy my doppelganger story word for word but you can use it as an idea of the type of interesting thing that should get your ex to bite.

When Do You End The Conversation?

Lets assume that everything went according to plan. You sent a compelling first contact text message and then got a response.

The question now becomes how long do you keep the conversation going for?

When I originally came up with the idea for a first contact text message I advised people to end the conversation immediately. So, essentially what I was advising was,

  • Send first contact text message.
  • Get a positive response.
  • End the conversation immediately on a positive note.

Experience has taught me there may be a better way.

Rather than immediately ending the conversation I think it is a good idea to go a little deeper into the conversation. In other words, extend the conversation by about 2-3 more text messages. Here is how it should play out.

  • Send first contact text message.
  • Get a positive response.
  • Initiate a conversation where you send 2-3 more text messages.
  • End the conversation on a positive note.

Do you see how that works?

Getting On Friendly Terms Again

Before you can start getting into the more emotional type of text messages you are going to have to get on friendly terms with your ex boyfriend again.

A few months ago I came up with a term to describe this. I called it “priming.”

Priming- A way in which you can test/get your ex boyfriend ready to talk about more emotional topics (aka your previous relationship.)

Lets say that you are ready to talk about your old relationship but you are unsure if your ex is. Well, priming can be used to kill two birds with one stone. First, you can slowly get your ex ready to talk about those more emotional topics. Second, you can use priming as a way to test to see if he is ready to advance to emotional things.

I realize this may be a little complicated to digest so I am going to spend some extra time on it because understanding how to “prime” your ex is essential in this section.

How Priming Works

Ok, the one thing we already know is that you can’t jump into an emotional topic (like your old relationship with your ex) right off the bat. No, the preferred way to get into that stuff is with some preparation. That is where the priming comes in.

I want you to look at priming as a way to slowly prepare your ex for the emotional stuff.

The way you do that is by starting off very slowly and then casually upping the intensity of the type of messages that you send.

Here is where things get interesting though. Priming isn’t always going to go exactly like you planned.

The other day I happened to stumble across a picture that is meant to be funny (but I actually found it to be true.) It is on how people view success.


I thought that this graphic was the perfect way to describe priming. You see, priming will require a lot of adjustments on your part and those adjustments are going to be based on how your ex reacts to the “priming” messages that you send.

For example, if you send your ex a message and he reacts positively to it then that tells you that you can advance the “prime.” However, if you send a message and he reacts very neutrally or negatively to it then that tells you that you have to make an adjustment to get him over his initial push back.

Lets move on to what you really want. The type of priming messages that you send.

(Disclaimer: Remember, the idea is to start off slowly and innocently and then up the intensity.)

The Meme Text Message

I love memes.

Don’t you love memes?

A meme text message is perfect to start off your priming because it isn’t meant to be serious at all. It’s sort of has that “hey, look what I found isn’t it funny?” mindset.

This type of a text message was something that I came up with after a friend of mine continually sent me memes. Seriously, just out of the blue she would send me memes and I actually loved them. The key to sending a successful meme message has to be the fact that the meme has to be funny.

I handpicked these because they always make me laugh.

live dangerously

Admit it you laughed ;) .

chuck norris kick

We needed a good Chuck Norris joke meme!


Apparently these two were too cool for shcool… crap.

Telling A Story Text Message

telling a story

There is a lot to balance when it comes to the initial stages of priming isn’t there?

You have to remain interesting while at the same time being very casual. The problem is that casual things aren’t very interesting.

Well, one thing I have found is that everyone finds stories interesting. So, why not tell one to your ex? Your story doesn’t have to be too controversial. While it will have to be interesting it doesn’t have to be anything special. Would you like to know a story that I would tell if I was sending this text message out?

I think I would tell a story about the time I accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom and didn’t notice.

Seriously, all I thought to myself was “why aren’t there any urinals in this bathroom?”

But wait… the story gets better.

The moment of realization came that I was in the women’s bathroom when I heard two women voices approaching and I quickly ran to hide in the stall until they went away. The problem was that by the time they were done two more women came in and eventually the bathroom go so crowded there were women waiting on the stall that I was in.

I had no choice but to open the stall door, reveal that I was in the wrong bathroom and then of course I ran for my life!

Do you see how that story was both intriguing and funny (all of it true by the way.) These are the types of stories that keep a persons interest.

Remembering The Good Times

remember the good times

This is a really important test when it comes to priming.

You see, prior to this point every single text message that you sent was relatively safe. This is the first time that you are going to be sending a text message about you and your ex. The point of this is to test and see how your ex responds.

Basically what you do is think back and pick out a really nice (safe) memory that the two of you had and “remember” it in text form. You don’t have to be too detailed. Just saying something general like I did in the message above with the boardwalk is enough.

If your ex boyfriend responds pretty positively to that then you can advance to the next section. If he doesn’t then you have to build some rapport before you can move on.

Getting Emotional With Your Ex Boyfriend

If you have properly primed your ex boyfriend then you can move on to the emotional messages.

Now, the thing you have to remember when you text your ex boyfriend is that your main goal is to use the attraction you build with him to get him on the phone with you. Emotional messages are a good way to do that. The thing that you have to understand about emotional messages when you are dealing with your ex is that they can’t bring up negative memories.

This is your ex boyfriend we are talking about here so there is no doubt that he is going to have some negative memories. I want you to cut right through them and remember some of your fondest memories together. The idea here is to get him to associate the good feelings he gets when he thinks back to those memories with you.

Lets go over a few emotional text messages you can use to your advantage.

I Miss You Text Message

i miss

Anyone can say “I miss you.”

I want you to go deeper than that. I want you to give specifics. What specifically do you miss about your ex boyfriend?

Communicate it to him. Tell him what you miss most about him. Men are very territorial and even though you are still his ex there is a part of him that considers you “his.” Well, feed that ego of his for a bit. Make him feel good. Make him feel wanted.

Trust me when I say that it feels really good to be wanted.

Emotional Memory Text


This text has to have an emotional significance for both you and your ex.

A first kiss is perfect for this type of thing. Every couple remembers their first kiss together. I want you to use an emotional memory like that to your advantage. I want your ex to put himself back in time where he was when this emotional memory occurred.

I want him to know that you are thinking of him that way and I want him to feel good about it.

Talking On The Phone & Going On A Date


I know it has been a long time but I want you to scroll up and look at that “game plan” again. What were the last two steps of the game plan to get your ex boyfriend back?

  • Talking On The Phone
  • Going On A Date

Well, in this section I am combining the two. If you weren’t already aware I have created two guides on each of these topics. You can check them out below.

So, if you want more “in-depth” information on what to do or say on the date or phone I recommend investing some time and reading those two guides. Of course, there are a few things I want to discuss with you on how both of these subjects relates to my overall philosophy on getting an ex boyfriend back.

Transitioning From Text Messages To The Phone

Ideally, what you want to have happen is that you build up so much attraction from the text messages that your ex just calls you.

This is the mindset that probably 90% of women who read this website have. Unfortunately, the thing that these women don’t take into account is that transitioning from text messages to talking on the phone is a pretty big deal for us guys too.

Seriously, I hate calling first because I never know if the girl is going to be busy or if she will just blow me off. I am like 100% of guys out there in that I am scared to death of rejection and I do feel rejected every time I put my neck on the line to call a girl and she doesn’t pick up. Even though I know logically that she may be busy and get back to me later the emotion of initial rejection always kind of hurts.

It is that fear of rejection that prevents me from calling.

The sexiest woman in the world is one who has the guts to cut through all this nonsense and call herself.

I don’t have a problem with a woman initiating a call at all. Most “experts” out there do but the truth is that I don’t as long as it is done a certain way. I am not a fan of calling out of the blue. I am a fan of giving someone a warning before you call that way they can prepare themselves.

Here is one of the most clever ways to transition from a text message to a phone call.

calling text

This is essentially baiting a guy to talk to you. In other words, if you have compelling information to share (like an interesting story) your ex is going to naturally be curious and you can use that curiosity to get on the phone with him.

Now, what do you do when you get on the phone with him?


I cover how you can do that in my Secrets of Attracting Men book.

Getting A Date

If you have built up enough attraction through text messages and phone calls then you should be able to get a date relatively easily.

Now, the question you are probably wondering is what do you do on this date? Well, going on a date is a pretty big deal because this is where a big opportunity to get your ex back can occur. Unfortunately, I have reached my limit on typing as this guide is already close to 10,000 words.

What I would recommend to you is read my guide on going on a date. There all your questions will be answered.

That’s it for me. I hope you enjoyed my guide on getting an ex boyfriend back. If you have any questions feel free to ask them in the comments section.

Learn How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
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714 Responses to How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back -Version 2.0-
  1. caroline
    February 5, 2015 | 8:46 am

    Hi Chris,
    Thank you very much for this webside and this post :)
    After 30 days of NC rule I wrote yesterday to my ex boyfriend and got very positive conversation of about 2,3 messages. I’m so happy :) but…
    how long should I wait to write the next text message? How many texts can I send him if he never contacted me first and how often (after one, two weeks?) How many times should I try generally?
    If I get messages from him in response and he writes texts to me first but he doesn’t call… I know I can call him first (you wrote about it) but how many times and how often can I try? How should I find out that it won’t give any results?
    Waiting for your comment,


    • admin
      February 5, 2015 | 3:44 pm

      1 to 2 days is standard!

  2. Catherine
    January 22, 2015 | 6:06 am

    Hey Chris, quick question:
    My friend and I have been in the same college class for four years and we recently started dating. The first week was great between the two of us, but then he broke up with me because he was afraid of what other people at our school would think. We didn’t talk or text or call at all. Two weeks later, both of our families celebrated Thanksgiving with one another and we ended up getting together and kissing. We both agreed to go back to dating, but this has yet to happen. We had a big no contact period, and we texted casually (and briefly) afterwards. However, It’s been a month and a half of no talk or text and I don’t know what to do. I still love him, but I’m too chicken to do anything and I have no idea where to start. Do you have any suggestions on how I can get closer to him? He has been seriously flirting intentionally to make me jealous, but when he noticed how upset I was, considerably backed off. I know he still loves me too. Should I text him again? What do I say? Thanks!

    • admin
      January 22, 2015 | 5:07 pm

      So, you agreed to get back together but it fell through?

      • Catherine
        January 22, 2015 | 11:38 pm

        I suppose so. We never “officially” decided to break up or get back together saying that. We barely even spoke to each other, honestly, for a month. We just sort of left it alone.

        • Catherine
          January 23, 2015 | 1:46 am

          *after saying that.

  3. Amy
    January 21, 2015 | 6:07 am

    Hey Chris

    So I need help with my current dilemma. So my ex and I were great together. We had no problems and never fought even once. The last three months of our relationship were long-distance but I had plans on moving back to his area (and I will be next week for good). I knew he was acting differently by the way we were talking so I asked him what was up and he was acting like a coward… he couldn’t even talk to me! I asked him if even loved me anymore and he said he wasn’t sure. He asked for a break and I said I couldn’t do a break that it was all or nothing so he said he wanted to break up. I told him I loved him and let him go. He didn’t even give me a reason! We were happy and then things just ended out of complete no where. I just completed my NC period (he did not contact me at all during this time) and texted him once it was over just saying i saw a movie recently with a friend and that I highly recommend it to him. It’s been 24 hours now with no response… I’m thinking that he is to afraid to respond to me, especially since he knows I was hurt after him not even giving me a reason for the break up. I don’t think he’s going to respond. Once I move back to his area I want to reach out again an hint to him that I’m back in town so he knows that long-distance isn’t an issue anymore… but will he even respond to me? I am so confused by him and I have no idea what to really do next… compared to this not knowing anything I’d say NC was the easy part of all of this.
    Thanks for any advice

    • admin
      January 21, 2015 | 3:19 pm

      What did you text him exactly?

      • Amy
        January 22, 2015 | 1:19 am

        I texted him “Hey ____! So I saw American Sniper last night with a friend and it was fantastic. I think you’d really enjoy the film so I thought I’d let you know. I know we haven’t talked in awhile so I hope you are doing well.”

        • admin
          January 22, 2015 | 4:58 pm

          I loved that movie!!!!

          • Amy
            January 22, 2015 | 10:23 pm

            Yeah, so why didn’t he respond? And should I contact him again?

  4. Elly
    December 23, 2014 | 3:58 pm

    Hi Chris

    I am worried about using no contact with my ex because the reason (main part anyway) that he left is that I wasn’t supportive/attentive enough, too busy with my own work and social life and not as available to him as he wanted. He was a great partner, brilliant person, and I ruined it because I guess I took him for granted and wasn’t as supportive to him as he was to me. Does no contact work in this situation or would it just be reinforcing the bad behaviour that lead to the end of our relationship?

    Thanks a lot in advance for your advice.

    • admin
      December 29, 2014 | 2:23 pm

      Its still worth it to try.

      You can be supportive and attentive after NC.

  5. Ashley
    December 23, 2014 | 6:48 am

    Hi Chris,

    So When you mentioned the Texting part in the book. If the ex did not respond after at least a day, you said he ignored me. However, what if he responded three days later? Should I wait for at least an hour to text him back? or to treat the text as No Response and try again a week later?

    • admin
      December 23, 2014 | 3:24 pm

      No wait an hour.

  6. sarah
    December 1, 2014 | 11:18 pm

    Hi chris,

    Ones i done the 30 day NC i jumped mistankenly to textinh about remembering good times my bf responce was neautral one word “ok” , i now worry i ruined it unintentially especially that i ended the convo text after a while in a positive note saying am going out with friends and ened it with a smile . I’M PANIKING now especially that i dont know wether to text him the next day or wait for a couple of days I would be grateful for your responce i mistakenly sent repatitive comments previously am sorry if it confused you my computer made multiple submition please reply to this particular comment.

    • admin
      December 2, 2014 | 2:54 pm

      So, you finished the 30 days?

      • Sarah
        December 2, 2014 | 3:32 pm

        Yes I have finished sent a text reminding him a good times we had on one of dates however his reply was neutral . So I ended the text perhaps I took a little long to end it now its the second day since I sent the first text do you advice me to text him again maybe go in more detail about another memory of good times we had or shall I jump into the storey text , Internet memes and test his response baring in mind that he lives in another country and the last time I saw him was a month ago to be exact and he broke up with me on that saying stating we are not a couple or lovers just friends for now and there is hope for us to resolve it but he needs time because of the mistakes I committed which were that I talked to his best friend via Instagram chat behind his back when me and him were not in talking terms and had fought prior to that the thing is our stem deeper to that he has started neglecting me during the last few months we were dating he would not call back ,reply or contact as much which is why we argues and fought and he would proceed to give me silent treatment when his upset about it . I’m trying to stay positive and just hope for the best I just don’t get why if he has forgiven me why can’t he move past it he said he doesn’t trust me and that I have to gain back his trust and I dunno how I can do that if he is let’s say continue to disengage and reply neutrally and negatively it really hurts me and breaks my heart because , I know if it wasn’t for his stubbornness and trust issue we would still work things out , also, chris my ex bf had been cheated on before in previous relationship I however never had experiences he was my very first and to my defence the chat that occurred between me and his friend was merely innocent and friendly I didn’t cheat his friend was flirty I took his hints as jokes and one mistake which I regret is his friend asked me to meet up and I agreed thinking its just a friend meet up but I then declined and said I wasn’t interested of-course , my ex bf saw the texts and was aware of all that’s happened all along I admit I was wrong and it was stupid for me to trst his friend but I was very fragile & vulnerable as I had no friends to seek advice from at the time .

        • Sarah
          December 2, 2014 | 4:16 pm

          In addition , to the above message I used to be gnat texter and caller I actually completed 30 day NC in addition to 5 more days extra so a total of 35 days my first text you mentioned previously that it might have been too strong and the reason he replied neutrally saying know however , due to my clinging and being emotionally attached do you believe I should give it a week NC rule or 3 to 4 days .

          Here is the first text sent after NC:

          I just stumbled onto that song (title) , it made me think of you for the first time in a while & of the good times we had on that trip to (tiltle) , you kept playing the song in your car and sent a hashtag on snap-chat of the song fun times we laughed so much that day. Honestly, it actually it made me smile again :)

          Ex bf reply : OK

          I replied after a fe hours : I’m actually about to heat out with some friends for dinner :), bye

          Please note I have stated that but it wasn’t as clear now I haven’t texted him again although I thought about texting another text of reminding him of old times or just storey telling etc.. He lives abroad that’s the issue I was wondering if you could also, tell me which guide of texting I should look at I bought the ex boyfriend pro but my link had expired I sent an email to request another link with my purchase ID (invoice ) I really need advice wether to do one week no contact or perhaps call him however , in all your website Chris you made it clear building attracting in texting is crucial and that after engaging I should call him please advice me on this matter I will appreciate the time & effort.

          • Sarah
            December 2, 2014 | 4:19 pm

            *head .. ** due to my clinginess when we dated “

        • admin
          December 3, 2014 | 4:39 pm

          Hmm.. you accepting his friends invite out was definitely something that poked at his insecurity.

          • sarah
            December 5, 2014 | 2:02 am

            Am on one werk MC what text should I attempt after that firdt neutral reply . In terms o the stak my ex bf knows there were no flirting or sexual content in the messages i exchanged with his friend infact I was quick to decline the invite to meet up with him at the time me and my ex bf were not talking due to arguing because of his lack of effort to call and make time for me I also turned into text gnat whichade him loose his temper many times and subsequently giving me silent treatment and saying he will talk when his ok he has deficuly in trusing me again he forgave me but hadnt fully forgot he said we are not lovers or couples merely friends abd when i asked him if thers hope he said yes . That why am very much eager to try and recocile do you think calling himout of the blue is effective ? .. after completing a week NC I texted him asking how his been and everything.. tjat was on the next day after my first text didnt go as planed however , he replied with a questiom mark after several hours does that mean his not ready or shall i call him to talk try and reminding if the good times and talk about if there was a way to work it out and if jis ready to give me a secomd chance and if not I will get closure and seek friendship even thought it will break my heart I would apreciate your time if you could answer my question lastly, what sort of text shall i text him baring in mind he lives abroad and havent seen him for over a month now . Thanks

            • sarah
              December 5, 2014 | 2:03 am


              • sarah
                December 5, 2014 | 2:09 am

                *Mistake, *week, * question mark ?, * that**first neutral *which made * defficulty * reconcile

                Mind my spelling !

                Ones again ty and yout recovery pro is brilliant .Am on one werk MC what text should I attempt after that firdt neutral reply . In terms o the stak my ex bf knows there were no flirting or sexual content in the messages i exchanged with his friend infact I was quick to decline the invite to meet up with him at the time me and my ex bf were not talking due to arguing because of his lack of effort to call and make time for me I also turned into text gnat whichade him loose his temper many times and subsequently giving me silent treatment and saying he will talk when his ok he has deficuly in trusing me again he forgave me but hadnt fully forgot he said we are not lovers or couples merely friends abd when i asked him if thers hope he said yes . That why am very much eager to try and recocile do you think calling himout of the blue is effective ? .. after completing a week NC I texted him asking how his been and everything.. tjat was on the next day after my first text didnt go as planed however , he replied with a questiom mark after several hours does that mean his not ready or shall i call him to talk try and reminding if the good times and talk about if there was a way to work it out and if jis ready to give me a secomd chance and if not I will get closure and seek friendship even thought it will break my heart I would apreciate your time if you could answer my question lastly, what sort of text shall i text him baring in mind he lives abroad and havent seen him for over a month now . Thanks

                • admin
                  December 8, 2014 | 12:34 pm

                  Wow, hahahaha!

                  Don’t call him yet. You haven’t led into it with anything too positive.

                  • sarah
                    December 8, 2014 | 9:34 pm

                    I dunno what to do the last thong I got was a thumps up message from him which I believe mean his resentful am currently on week np contact and planing to text him on wednasday but dunno what particular text.


                    • sarah
                      December 8, 2014 | 9:35 pm


  7. kiki
    December 1, 2014 | 8:16 am

    Hi Chris,

    My ex & I were together for almost 5yrs and he broke up with me 6 weeks ago. He said he wasn’t happy anymore and that our relationship was really stressful & too much pressure on top of his new job. We were talking about saving money for a house and future plans he’s 24 & im 26.
    when he broke up with me he also brought up that he was scared that i would resent him if our plans didn’t go ahead and that he wasn’t ready to take the next step, was worried that i relied on him too much and that he had resented me over things that i had stopped him from doing such as talking to some female friends. pretty much blaming me and being the victim.

    The thing is he never told me he wasn’t ready when we spoke about our future plans and he hadn’t told me previously what was making him unhappy. i did sense him being distant a i may have pushed him over the edge by being push, naggy, needy when he was busy. Netherless i was shocked when he wanted to end things and didn’t want to try anymore, he felt he already had tried.

    i had a good think about things and realized that i wasn’t ready to take the next step either and i did make mistake during the relationship being too clingy, pushy, needy, critical & unappreciative etc but felt that all the issues we had were something that we could talk about and work through.

    when i saw him a week after the break up which i initiated & he took 1 week to commit to meet. i told him how i felt about the future and that he was more important to me than all that which he did not expect. but he said he wasn’t ready and wasn’t sure if he wanted to get back and needed time to think. i asked him if he wanted to see me after my 10 day overseas trip which was already planned prior and he said yes he would like to hear about my trip.

    i did NC during my trip but broke it 8 days in to ask if he could pick me up. he hesitated and took another day to respond only saying he cant he was busy. After i got back i didn’t contact him until i bumped into him another 8 days later.

    when i saw him i asked him if he missed me and he said yea a little but didnt think about me everyday or alot. we held hands and i asked him if he loves me and he said he did but its not the same. He was surprised that i didn’t contact him when i got back and wasn’t a text or calling gnat that i used to be and that i had changed.
    i said that i didnt think he wanted to see me beacause he didnt want to pick me up from the airport & that i also wanted to give him space and wasn’t sure if i should contact him. He said i could text him still and he will reply when hes free since hes super busy at his new work and would contact me to catch up as i hadn’t shown him photos on my holiday etc.
    Hes said he still unsure whether he wants/ready to get back as he seems really focused on his career and hes not sure if we want the same things. He did notice a change in me but he still has reservation or some resistance about being in a relationship as its more of a pressure than friendship we currently have (when we meet we talk & laugh)& that hes been able to think clearer emotionally.
    i couldn’t help but break down and tell him how i missed him and mentioned a place that we use to hang that he did link it to a negative experience as well but we left with a hug and a kiss on the cheek and that we would hang again and talk again as i said i couldn’t wait forever.

    I’ve been working on myself and becoming the UG & independant girl that i use to be. heartbreak has definatly made me stronger, smarter, learn from my mistakes and realise that i do want to be with him.

    i texted him a link the next day after our meeting and he took 2 days to respond, this time with 10 words ( as you said word count matters) and positivly not as cold as he used to reply.

    But i feel that i may come across too available/desperate and may have given my game away by telling him i wanted to give him space. its been 5 days and i haven’t replied to his text. should i go keep to NC or should i be responding to the positive text? he knows i may be ignoring him as ive posted other things on FB and not replied to him..
    please help not sure which step i should be taking next!

    Thanks X

    • admin
      December 1, 2014 | 3:39 pm

      Keep to NC.

      Trust me on this ok!

      • Kiki
        December 2, 2014 | 12:00 am

        Thank you for your advise Chris!

        I will keep at it! I know I’ve committed some Cardinal sins but I’m commited to improving myself for me during this NC time!

        Let’s hope I have good news to share with you next time :)

        • kiki
          December 26, 2014 | 8:55 am

          Hi Chris

          I screwed up really bad!

          Broke NC AT 21days and sent a ATB text and he responded straight away and really positively and told me about his work. But I freaked out and replied 8 hrs later with just wishing him well at his new job & ended the text.

          I sent a memory text 2 days later and he didn’t respond.. I let emotions take over & turned up at his place. We ended up making out passionatly…he initiated it.. But I started getting emotional and brought up about our relationship and i said to much i panicked, told him to text me the next day & left..

          4 days later and he didn’t text so I tried going over to his place but it was really late at night and I relapsed and became a calling gnat!

          the next day I went over to apologize and took over Xmas gifts. He said I stuffed up his plans for the next day as I drained his phone battery so his alarm didn’t go off.. He said he shouldn’t have let me in that night & that us making out was a mistake & that he had moved on! He said he didn’t see that what we wanted was on the same timeline & that me stressing out the other night validated his reason to break up & that me stressing out is just the way I am! He said he wanted to meet new people & I told him that I’m working on myself for me but he didn’t want me to be the perfect gf for him.. He said he didn’t know if he can let go of the resentment he felt towards me as I had been too controlling he said it was toxic & that he had fallen out of love with me for a while. but didn’t want to say never about us getting back as we both don’t know what the future holds but right now will not be a good time. He said I will not be a priority as his work and career is his main focus and he can see his career goals more clearly now.

          Have I really done too much damage beyond repair? Am I being too hopeful believing that we have so much history & that we are worth fighting for & building on? Ive been working on my self was doing really well and i know i’ve made mistakes but i want to learn and be better. I know i’m a good person & had good intentions but clearly express/communicated them wrongly during our relationship. a friend has told me if that you’re a good person but a bad GF you can always learn/be taught how to be a good GF. but if you’re a bad person you cant be taught how to be good person. What should I do next? am i just too optimistic? Do you think it’s really time to let go?

          • admin
            December 29, 2014 | 2:39 pm

            Nah it just means things might take a little bit longer.

            • kiki
              December 30, 2014 | 9:28 am

              Thanks Chris,
              Atm we are talking and joking but hes sensitive to anything emotional or anything that brings back memories of controlling or stessful behaviours of mine.
              im not sure what to do next, do you think i should start NC again? if so how long or just continue with baby steps?

              • kiki
                December 30, 2014 | 1:13 pm

                Hi Chris,
                we had a really casual catch up today and i found out that a girl he use to know has reached out to him. they’ve been hanging out at her house just the 2 of them a least 5 times in the last few weeks and shes been a confident. they haven’t gone out on dates and its been platonic.. i held my jealousy in and joked around on the topic. we agreed to be honest and open. i know its nothing on his side yet anyways but i am getting a little worried. i can sense he enjoys my company still, hes happy to catch up with me for lunch and maybe hangout and watch a movie.

                should we continue as is..? what do you suggest?

              • admin
                January 5, 2015 | 2:45 pm

                No, just go very slowly.

  8. Melanie
    November 24, 2014 | 7:34 am

    I feel like I blew it. Great attraction through text and then BLEW IT on the phone call. I brought up a little bad memory about our relationship and teared up a little. I feel like I fucked up big time on the phone call. And I feel like I was too desperate saying I missed him twice. Our attraction was great building up over the weeks via text. How do I recover from this blunder?

    • admin
      November 24, 2014 | 4:13 pm

      Hmm…. I don’t think id go that far.

      How did he react when he heard you cry or brought up the bad memory?

      P.S. next time no bad memories at all ok. I know its tempting to do it but don’t.

  9. Kristen
    October 26, 2014 | 8:16 pm

    Initially I did NC for 35 days, in which my ex never tried contacting me nor did I try contacting him, before sending an initial text to, though never really got a conversation going. He responded to my text but he never responded any more after that. I waited before trying to text him again, a total of 60 days and I tried sending another text to establish more of a conversation between us. I sent my initial text, and a few hours later he responded. We went back and forth for around a half an hour. My last text I sent a little after 7pm, but he never responded after that, and I never got a chance to end the conversation. I thought he wasn’t going to respond at all, so I went to work the next day not thinking too much of it, but he actually responded the next day. When I saw the text I responded and ended my text with “heading back into work now it was nice talking to you!” After that I waited too long to send an emotional kind of text. I started with another priming message, talking about hockey and asking if he’s breaking out his favorite players shirt. He responded the next night around 9pm almost 24 hours later from sending my inital text. Why respond at all at that point he could’ve very well ignored me but didn’t? His recent replies include a lot of haha’s, I don’t know if that means anything at all..probably not? I didn’t respond after that. So I waited 2 full days and on the third day sent a ‘remember’ text. I said ‘have you noticed the trees lately? They remind me of when we went to Vermont and what a nice trip that was. I bet the foliage up there is unreal this time of year!’ It’s over 24 hours later and still no response. I’m not sure if he had been waiting so long to respond to slowly stop responding to me at all.
    1. Why is it that he stopped responding to me now?
    2. Do I wait a bit and go back to some priming type of messages?
    3. I so badly just want to text him sometimes and ask him to respect me as a human being, not even as his ex girlfriend, and be honest about everything that happened between us. He was the one to say he was going to ask me to marry him someday and I that I was his dream girl, yet he was the one to end it all. If I can’t get him to respond, can I ever ask him why/do you think I’ll ever be able to get answers to my questions?

  10. Kristen
    October 14, 2014 | 10:59 pm

    Initially I did NC for 35 days, in which my ex never tried contacting me nor did I try contacting him, before sending an initial text to, though never really got a conversation going. He responded to my text but he never responded any more after that. I waited before trying to text him again, a total of 60 days and I tried sending another text to establish more of a conversation between us. I sent my initial text, and a few hours later he responded. We went back and forth for around a half an hour. My last text I sent a little after 7pm, but he never responded after that, and I never got a chance to end the conversation. I thought he wasn’t going to respond at all, so I went to work the next day not thinking too much of it, but he actually responded the next day. When I saw the text I responded and ended my text with “heading back into work now it was nice talking to you!” After that I waited too long to send an emotional kind of text. I started with another priming message, talking about hockey and asking if he’s breaking out his favorite players shirt. He responded the next night around 9pm almost 24 hours later from sending my inital text. Why respond at all at that point he could’ve very well ignored me but didn’t? His recent replies include a lot of haha’s, I don’t know if that means anything at all..probably not? I didn’t respond after that. So I waited 2 full days and on the third day sent a ‘remember’ text. I said ‘have you noticed the trees lately? They remind me of when we went to Vermont and what a nice trip that was. I bet the foliage up there is unreal this time of year!’ It’s over 24 hours later and still no response. I’m not sure if he had been waiting so long to respond to slowly stop responding to me at all.
    1. Why is it that he stopped responding to me now?
    2. Do I wait a bit and go back to some priming type of messages?
    3. I so badly just want to text him sometimes and ask him to respect me as a human being, not even as his ex girlfriend, and be honest about everything that happened between us. He was the one to say he was going to ask me to marry him someday and I that I was his dream girl, yet he was the one to end it all. If I can’t get him to respond, can I ever ask him why/do you think I’ll ever be able to get answers to my questions?

    • admin
      October 27, 2014 | 2:32 pm

      You may need do do NC for like 3 or 4 days and try again. I am working on a post right now that you will find fascinating and will answer your questinos.

  11. Kristen
    October 14, 2014 | 5:12 pm

    What does it mean when a lot of time passes before he responds to my texts? At first he was responding up to an hour or within an hour usually, but the last text he responded almost a whole day later completely after whatever I had text him about was irrelevant. I text him a ‘remember’ type text yesterday afternoon and have not gotten a response yet. Not sure how long it will take him to respond or if he’s just going to ignore me completely this time. It’s almost like he’s slowly starting to ignore me, though things had seemed to improve slightly with the way we were texting.
    What does all of this mean?

    • admin
      October 27, 2014 | 2:25 pm

      Either he is super busy, not as intersted, thinking hard on what to reply or playing his own games.

  12. Amy
    October 13, 2014 | 4:08 pm

    I was engaged after being with my ex for just under three years. One day after a small insignificant argument about really nothing in particular he told me that he wasn’t happy and didn’t know if it was us or something else. We were to get married in five months (March, 2015). For a little background Information four years prior he was engaged and his fiancé at the time cheated on him, his wife prior also cheated on him causing their divorce. I have never done so and have no urge to. We had one huge blow out fight where we broke up two years ago bc I went to a car show with my ex husband. Him and I at that point had only been together for two weeks so I wasn’t really thinking long term and I went to the car show so my son could ha e both his parents be coridal in his life. ( I had unrealistic expectations then) but since then we moved In together, got engaged and started planning the wedding. Everything was paid for. Then out of left field… We’ve really never fought for more then a couple hours and we always worked it out and walked away either agreeing to disagree or solving the problem. The reasons he gave me were all minute and could easily be worked out. His whole family was in shock, as was I. Even his ex wife was in shock. I’ve since moved all my stuff out and followed the no contact rule. It was four days and the day I moved everything out and he text me telling me to make sure I didn’t come on Sunday morning because he goes to work late. I have made it a point not to see him and he’s had the same schedule for three years. I ignored him for five phone calls, four text messages, and an email. All so that he can “verify” I got the message. After know I got the message bc I hung up on him three times so he could t leave a voicemail. I then called him about four hours later very nicely saying I k ow when he goes in, I Rcvd the message and I had no plans on being there in the morning. ( which is also what I told his father when i was there so I’m sure he told him) As a side note that same morning I was driving home at 750 am from taking pictures of the sunrise. We passed each other and I know he saw me… I’m confused on more levels then possible… Any help is appreciated, because I really do love the guy even though he’s acting like a nut right now.

    • admin
      October 14, 2014 | 3:42 pm

      He seems a little scared b/c of his past experience.

      Have you attempted no contact?

      • Amy
        October 15, 2014 | 1:25 am

        I have, and I went a week. I ignored him completely. Then yesterday I went to his house and he wasn’t supposed to be there and he showed up while I was packing the rest of my things. He kept asking nicely if I needed his help. And called me three times after I left. My phone was on silent so I didn’t hear it. On the forth call I picked up and we talked for about 30 minutes and both got some stuff off our chests. Which seemed like something we should have don’t prior to all this. Idk what’s going on with him.

  13. shaida
    October 11, 2014 | 2:05 pm


    My Ex said He is dating with somebody. and he is talking with a girl. This happened just this week. while last week we were hanging out. we slept together. recently he said he is dating with somebody. was he cheating with me or telling me lie? do you thing it’s good idea to try go get him back?? please help.

    • admin
      October 13, 2014 | 6:05 pm

      I wouldn’t sleep with him until he commits.

  14. jenny
    October 8, 2014 | 2:41 pm

    Hi Chris,

    Quick question. My ex and I were together 2 years- never fought, great relationship, truly best friends. Towards the end, we stopped doing fun things and the relationship got stale. My ex worked a lot (runs his own business) and wasn’t where he wanted to be career wise, so instead of working to make the relationship better he felt he needed to just focus on himself and his career/company because if he’s not happy with himself, than he can’t make someone else happy. Today is day 30 of no contact. I have been really good about it. During the 30 days, I only heard from him once. When we broke up, I told him I needed time apart from him. He said that’s not what he wants, as we live very close to each other so he still wants to be able to talk and grab dinner every so often, but I told him maybe eventually we could do that but not right away. He texted me on day 9 asking if we were allowed to talk yet, to which I didn’t reply. I haven’t heard anything from him since. Being that today is day 30, what are your thoughts? Should I initiate contact, or maybe give it another week or 2 and see if he reaches out again…?

    • admin
      October 9, 2014 | 1:26 pm

      Hey, you made it through 30 days. That seems pretty darn good to me.

  15. shaida
    October 7, 2014 | 3:37 am

    this is really good site. I learn lots of things. Thank you chris for this amazing site. you educated us very well. Is that a good idea to try again, if you already failed to get ex back. After applying 30 days no contact rule. I followed all your rules. he was so nice to me. He asked me to come over and we had that.. after that he was so distant. he said he doesn’t want to date any women. How do I make him closer and make him to ask me for date? do i apply more no contact rule and send him memory text again? I really appreciate for your kind help.

  16. Lexi Garcia
    October 3, 2014 | 5:01 pm

    Welp, we are truely back together this time! =] Thank you Chris for everything! I can honestly say that this guide has helped me a ton! thank you! =]

    • admin
      October 6, 2014 | 11:25 am

      Wow, Congrats Lexi!!!

      • Lexi Garcia
        October 6, 2014 | 5:52 pm

        Ok so I have a quick question, my ex and I are back together working things out and I can honestly say things are different and better. However, when we had the talk about getting back together we layed everything on the table. He told me he hooked up with his other ex gf a week and a half after the break up. He said she was talking to someone else so they didn’t get back together. I’m a paranoid person anyway but things have flown through my head. A week with his ex? That sounds personal. My question is do you think he was cheating on me with her while we were together or was it really just a hook up? He said it was just a rebound thing to get over me. I can tell you before we broke up nothing was different and 2 days before we broke up I was at his brothers birthday dinner with his whole family. If he was cheating why would he bother brining me around ya know? So I think either he cheated on me with her and continued after we broke up or they were talking and after we broke up he hooked up with her. idk what do you think? PLEASE HELP

        • Lexi Garcia
          October 6, 2014 | 6:04 pm

          We got back together 4 days ago and I just spend the weekend with his whole family and him. I feel like a player would bother with stuff like that so that makes me thing he didn’t cheat. I asked 2 of our closest friends that, one spends more time with him than anyone else and the other was him when he was younger lol my bf and I are in our 20’s and they are in their 40’s. They both said they didn’t think he would do something like cheating, his dad cheated on his mom and it was hard on him since he walked in on it

        • admin
          October 7, 2014 | 1:40 pm


          I understand your position completely.

          Can you tell me what proof you have that you think you were cheated on?

          • Lexi Garcia
            October 7, 2014 | 4:33 pm

            When we went on a break he immediately hid his relationship status and a week before that he dropped me off at his dads to get my car (we were using his to move furniture) and he drove off in the opposite way of his house. Obviously he could have driven anywhere but isn’t that weird? Also a month and a half before we broke up I was tested for everything as a check up and I was negative for everything, we didn’t sleep together after that caus I was on antibiotics for a UTI, 3 weeks after we were broken up he tells me he has Chlamydia. I told the doctor the whole story and she tells me she thinks my body just fought it off because he had the symptoms when we first started dating and I kept getting UTIs so that explains all that. But either way it doesn’t make sense. Lets say he cheated on me, why didn’t it show up on the test? Lets say he didn’t cheat on me, which is what he’s claiming. He says he didn’t cheat and he got Chlamydia from the girl he slept with AFTER me. Then why would he even consider that I was exposed to it?? Why would he even bring it up if he knows it was from her? Nothing adds up or makes sense.
            Here’s what I think happened (btw when we met he had a gf and he broke up with her a week later and 3 days later we got together, idk if that tells you anything)
            Towards the end of the break up we fought and didn’t get along, we went on a break and he immediately hid his relationship status, a week later we broke up, a week later he posted a picture of the baseball game he was at with her feet in the corner.
            They were either talking while he was with me and when we went on a break he went and told her we broke up then actually broke up with me and they continued their stuff OR They were talking and he waited till we were broken up to make a move with her.He told me it was a rebound but isn’t that a bit personal? Why wouldn’t he pick someone up at a club for a rebound? Of all girls we break up and he goes straight to couple ex’s ago and hooks up with her? He told me they talked about getting back together but she was talking to someone so idk

            • Lexi Garcia
              October 7, 2014 | 4:36 pm

              All in all ill say it, other than my statement above theres no solid prove he did cheat and theres no solid proof he didn’t. I have a friend that reads people like a book, I told everything to her as well and she said if she was me she would give it a shot still. That means something to me but I still wanted you’re take

            • admin
              October 8, 2014 | 12:52 pm

              Well, maybe he is just looking to talk to you b/c you make him feel better and getting an STD can be very scary.

              • Lexi Garcia
                October 15, 2014 | 5:51 pm

                I have a friend who has had shit luck with men and burned by every one she has dated, I told her everything and she said to give it a shot. I feel like, for someone like her to say something like that that means something. So I’ve decided to give it a shot since after the break up I had a lot of regrets. So for myself im gonna give our new relationship my all. And if he did cheat he has to live with the guilt of that, he says he didn’t and im choosing to believe him but I’ve done nothing wrong. That said I just spend the weekend( and Monday) with him and his family and things are sooooo different but in a good way =] We are both saying thank you more and apologizing when we are wrong and getting along better. I think the break up was good for us, I can honestly say things are better than ever. =] Thanx Chris, if it works out great. If not ill come running to you for support caus I know your always there for your readers =] ttyl!

                • admin
                  October 27, 2014 | 2:44 pm

                  Good for you Lexi!

                  I hope everything works out great for you.

  17. maricel
    October 3, 2014 | 9:29 am

    hey chris! a great site first of all .. ive learned so much from it !
    well I have a question .. I had a fight with my boyfriend and we stopped talking ever since . I actually applied the no contact rule for a whole two months till I sent him a msg that im sorry things turned out to be like that .. he accepted the apology and we started talking from that moment .. the thing is that I messed up with the other phases of the recovery session . instead of rebuild the relationship and the attraction over texting we rushed things quite a bit – we met a few days after our first conversation and tried to act once again as a couple .. it was a tragedy because the both of us weren’t ready enough to get back together and it drove us apart even more .. what should I do ? can I start the recovery session once again ?

    • admin
      October 3, 2014 | 2:43 pm

      What went wrong though? What do you mean neither one of you were ready?

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