How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back if HE Cheated On You- Advice & Help

1,052 thoughts on “He Cheated On You And You Want Him Back… What Do You Do?”

Cindy

June 25, 2020 at 10:59 pm

I was with my ex for two years. We recently broke up and we recently turned two years. Our two year was on a Saturday, we didn’t go out or see each other. The whole weekend he was acting weird barely texting,calling or calling me babe. The weekend went by and I got the “we need to talk text” he came to talk to me and come to find out he cheated on me multiple times. He said on Saturday on our two year he took a girl to a party and kissed her on the cheek. He was crying and kept telling me that he doesn’t deserve me that he’s not a good person And he wants to change and work on himself. that he loves me and wants to be with me. He also said he won’t change? How can someone love you but not change ? Sounds ridiculous but I want him back. Despite everything. The past three days after the break up I kept texting and calling him wanting To talk more, he would answer but he would just say “ i can’t do this. I don’t deserve you.” I ended up talking to him the next day face to face and he told me he just wanted to be single and free and when I would ask if he still loved me he wouldn’t say a word and would say that I don’t understand him. After the talk we left it has friends had I stoped texting him and he just started texting me. It hasn’t been a day. He is so confusing and difficult to talk to. I do want to be with him which is so dumb for me to say. What should I do.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 22, 2020 at 8:10 pm

Hey Cindy, I would suggest that you start following the program starting with No Contact so that you can work on yourself and your Holy Trinity to be Ungettable. Then read and follow the advice for texting phase, how you should reach out and what type of texts to get your ex talking.

Tina

June 12, 2020 at 11:01 pm

I was with my ex for three years. When we first dated I met my previous ex who tried to kiss me I also lied about my past and didn’t tell my ex. He later found out about this. Since then my now ex held that over my held for our whole relationship He also constantly accused me of cheating etc. At the end of 3 years I realised we need to break up so we both can heal. We have been broken up for 3 weeks. He told me yesterday that he cheated on me ( he met up with different girls as friends nothing happened, but there was on girl who kissed him, in the first two years of us dating) after that for the last year he never cheated again. I want to take him back but I am not sure what to do? Should I meet him and sort this out or do I need time away from home before trying to work things out?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 13, 2020 at 10:19 pm

Hi Tina, I would say that you both need some time apart so that you can both deal with your emotions. And also understand why you both felt the need to go to other people for attention.

Anagha

May 17, 2020 at 3:16 am

How can I get my ex bf back if he broke up with me and is trying to get back with his first love after she comes and proposes him?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 17, 2020 at 8:12 pm

Hi Anagha, you need to complete a 45 day NC working on your holy trinity and then you start the being there method

Grac

March 3, 2020 at 11:22 pm

so me and boyfriend have been dating for about a year and a half now and at one point he went to a party and was all up on some girl and he “swore to god” that he didn’t cheat on me and I found out he lied about a couple of things and he said he was just really drunk and he was really sorry and that he loved me and wanted me in his life forever and that he was so so sorry and he was gonna tell me the truth about everything from now on and he was gonna change and I thought he changed because he met my parents, brought me eat, hung out with me a lot, took all the girls off his snapchat, appreciated me more and I thought we were perfectly fine because he was telling me a lot of things he never would’ve told me before and he went to an event with a lot of drunk girls this weekend and he knows I get nervous when he goes to stuff like that and he didn’t invite me and I was so so nervous but that Friday night of the event everyone was telling me was loyal and then come Saturday I got really nervous and I didn’t want to ruin his night and I knew I was gonna say something that pissed him off cause I was anxious and I just blocked him for bit and I didn’t think about it and last time I blocked him he told me next time I blocked him he would be done but him lieing to me in the past causes all of my trust issues I thought they were fine until this night and his friends said as soon as I blocked him he was like saying fuck me cause I blocked him and all this random crap and was hooking up with girls and then continued to bring this girl to his moms house and they slept in the same but she said they never did anything but some people are saying they did and I’ve tried calling and texting him and he won’t answer anything and the only thing he said to me was “ I wish you the best too” and we I said something about us talking and he told me he when he gets home from work we could talk and I said okay and he never texted me and we haven’t texted all day and I don’t know what to do like I don’t want to lose him but apparently he’s texting that girl taht was all up on him at a party

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 17, 2020 at 11:12 pm

Hi Grac so your ex has a grass is greener syndrome, which is common in a lot of relationships where he thinks he can do better than you. Hurtful. But if you work the Ungettable to become the best version of yourself, and use social media, mutual friends and show him what hes lost while he was giving his attention else where you will see he will regret his decision before long. But it does mean that you follow a No Contact of 45 days and work on yourself in that time. Get to reading and show him what hes lost

Tara

February 25, 2020 at 11:18 pm

Hello Chris,

I hope you can find the time to answer my message. I found out my boyfriend cheated on me just days after my dads funeral. He denied everything while I was looking at the proof. And since that exact moment I am in no contact with him. For exactly 20 days now. And counting. I find it very difficult and I am very depressed because of all this grief. He has been calling and texting me everyday several times a day. But he says he doesn’t understand why I am not talking to him and responding. He is completely in denial. Which makes it hurt even more. His last message was from yesterday and he said I was just rude for not responding to his messages and that I should feel ashamed for not responding to him. It made me so angry reading it. But I held my cool and I did not respond. But I am having a really hard time not showing my anger. During the discovery I was numbed and I couldn’t speak. I do not want him back. I just can’t. I do still love him but my heart is broken. He betrayed my trust. Not only as my lover but also as my best friend. Chris, what should I do, can you please give me your advise? Do you have any idea what is going through his mind right now. Why is he in denial and pretending nothing bad happened. I have known him my entire life. We met again last year, totally in love and after a couple of months broke up because of the distance, I live in another country. Then after 2 weeks we were back together. We missed each other to much. Then he started fading away and for weeks on end I did not hear from him. I wrote him a long letter after continually being ignored. He never responded to the letter. I traveled to where he lived and showed him how much I loved him. He was very happy to see me. Since then we were back together and we started having fun together like we used to. Until three days after the funeral when I found out he cheated on me with several woman. The strangest thing is that he even was bragging about so many girls liking him. I was shocked as to why on earth he would share this with me. Thank you so much for reading my letter Chris!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 6, 2020 at 9:45 pm

Hi Tara your ex telling you that its rude to not reply to him etc is just him trying to convince you to talk to him! Not only are you going through an emotional time losing a parent you are also having to deal with his betrayal too! I would keep to your no contact and stick with it for 45 days. I don’t think this guy respects you or any woman for that matter. Show him you know your worth and are not willing to settle for less!

Maggie

February 22, 2020 at 12:21 pm

My ex and I had lived together some time. While he’s never physically cheated on me, he has been secretly talking to women and using dating sites for the last 2 of our 6 year relationship, this has recently ramped up into sexting with several women simultaneously. Apart from this, on the day to day I really valued our relationship and enjoyed our time together.

After a year of my outrage upon each discovery and a few months of him threatening to end it, we finally had an argument after a new discovery of messages and he has moved out.

I’ve begged and called and texted and done all the things I’m not supposed to do to undo the break up. He’s still texting good naturedly, which is encouraging and confusing to me at the same time.

I know I want him to come back, but there doesn’t seem to be any guides for this separate tier of infidelity. I’m not sure what to do or how to interpret his actions. Please help.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 22, 2020 at 10:12 pm

Hi Maggie you follow the same rules as he has emotionally cheated on you even if you have no proof of him physically cheating. If this is something that you feel crosses a line in your relationship it is cheating. You need to go into a No Contact without explaining why you are not speaking to him right now this is going to make him worry that you are done with him and moving on. In that time you need to do the work to become Ungettable

Rs

February 19, 2020 at 1:00 am

My bf of almost 2 years Cheated on me even tho he says he loves me so much.. 3 days Before I caught him.. I tried ending the relationship and he begged and pleaded for me not to.. He said he loved me and would do anything to make things up to me because we were having problems.. Then 3 days later on Valentine’s day he stood me up and I caught him at this girls house (someone I had warned him to never have contact with). She is a home wrecker and I am sure she played with his head. We have a deep connection and love each other very much. But it’s been 4 days and he hasn’t contacted me or read any of my msgs after he knew I caught them.. I want to talk to him, I want answers. I want to know why. I love him so much and thought he loved me too.. What do i do?? Please help me I’m going crazy

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 19, 2020 at 9:38 pm

Hi Rs this is very awful behavior on your exes part, and the questions you want answers to, I dont think you would get them from him if this is the sort of person he is. I would show him what he has lost by moving on with your life and being happy. Take the time to get over the break up and the betrayal. Read the articles about becoming Ungettable and show him what hes lost

Kijah

January 21, 2020 at 7:04 am

Hi, so my ex and I were best friends first for about a year and started dating for almost 3 years. We were in LOVE, everyday we would say I love you, even when we’re mad, we would talk on the phone every day, text all the time, send middle of the night “I know you’re sleeping but I want to tell you how grateful I am to have you” texts, & we went on vacations together. We even talked about marriage and kids. We even went to a wedding for his family 3 days before New Years and I met all his family and we were talking about how nice this place would be for our wedding. So all this to say, he went to a New Years party and I went to New Years service with my parents. I texted him happy New Years I love you & he texts back happy New Years I love you so much baby, or something like that. Later I call to see if he wants to do something, he didn’t pick up. I call all night no answer. So I wake up & go to his house because I have a key and he’s not there. So I wait. An hour later he comes home and he holds my hand and says I have something to tell you, I got really wasted and I don’t remember anything, but I got 5-6 hickeys on my neck. I was furious, but later I forgave him because the circumstances. I’m not sure if he felt guilty because he was like I don’t deserve this we should break up because I can’t want to hurt you anymore. I said no you’re my best friend I love you. But we decided to take a break, then to be just friends. We would text and call and say I love you and I want to still marry you, but it felt weird, I couldn’t be just friends with him. So I sent him a message saying how much I miss his touch and doing nothing with him. He didn’t respond so I called the next morning and he said I will always love you, but rn I need space. And I say people mess up it’s life, but I want to work through it, we’ve been through too much. He then said I need some space and I need you to move on rn. I know it’s hurting you, but I have some stuff that I need to do. So I said whatever, when you’re done with your space, give me a call. He said okay and hung up. I miss him so much it’s physically hurting me. I have deleted everything on my phone I have of him and took all our pictures down, but I can’t stop thinking about him. I want him back.
Hols

January 1, 2020 at 6:57 am

Hey,
Thanks for ur page…
Sooo 4 months after getting a house and engaged my ex left me for our puppies vet. Living under the same roof he lied about if for 8wks till I discovered my intuition was right via social media and he left, a month later he came bk, for month then left again. I remember him saying I wasn’t giving him enough attention after he was the one I though should b working towards reassuring me.
Not long after Leaving a second time he got a tattoo of her face’ on his left chest and posted it on social media ( I must say we look the same but like I said posted social media with intentions it was for her) hes finally moved out 8 mths later, with her help after I specifically told him not to bring her into my personal space.
I’ve just flown 28hrs to get away from it while he moves out and 8mths dwn the line I still cried practically the whole flight missing him. Due to the whole incident I’ve started to develop anxiety and a functional depressive.
He suffers badly with anxiety and before It has never been dealt with. After the first reconciliation he acknowledged his problem (I also recognised my contribution to why the relationship declined) and he went to the doctor who put him on a course of anti anxiety meds.
Now his talking to me saying his meds have been upped and he’s also seeking Regular counselling, revising his breathing techniques and has been on a journey realising it’s me he wants to spend his life with. Both times he left he went back to the vet who I do believe cohursed A taken man, even tho I know I can’t blame her but reading their conversations she was v into him.
I’m not condoning his actions but after everything I do love him and at 39 have never felt like this or committed myself for life to someone in our engagement which made he the happiest I’ve ever been.
He knows he needs to work on his communication and through out our relationship I always loved his actions to try.
His anxiety is like a Tasmania devil in the room who goes crazy over thos he’s created in his head then apologises for It (he works alone outdoors with only his thos for company, maj overthinker). I’ve often felt like a victim of his anxiety.
Now he’s moved out he says he cried for 3 days and says he’s prepared to work to get me back because I’m worth it, which I am
My question to u is how do I handle this please?
I’ve told him (still in another country) that this has all come as a big surprise and I still need time to heal while I figure all of this out in my head.
I can see how this had happened but do not excuse how his treated me, broken my trust and disrespected me but if I’m honest I do still love him and his declaration of love has has made me happier in mind and heart, I’m just super cautious about being hurt and lied too again next time things get tough.
I’d appreciate any advice u might have. thank u!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 4, 2020 at 11:52 pm

Hey Hols, so if you want to get back with him you need to find a local therapist and work on communication with him. If you choose to get back together, then you can always explain that you are going to have huge trust issues and worried that he is going to be strayed away from you by another woman, also change vets, thats a given but he does not need to be around her in the future

Suzanne

November 9, 2019 at 12:43 am

Well hello Chris!
Diving right in as short as possible. I dated someone 7 months..was head over hills. He was a pilot and took a job away for 3 of those months. During that time (with no proof) i have a major feeling b/c of things, that I was being cheated on. The one time I even brought it up he went silent and walked off saying that was unfounded. My last visit to see him things were off even though he was nice and told me he loved me. Finally after his return home 2 weeks later his texting was short. I texted him a few days later and told him i love him with NO response. Not shocked 2 days later he text ” He just doesnt know what to say things just dont feel the same (sad face). I said nothing and 2 days later he text ” no response, my point exactly”…..i went no contact and its been 2 months. I wish to communicate with him but….
Not sure who broke up?
Not sure if he cheated?
Not sure if he just hadnt moved on?
Not sure if he just didnt want me to chase?
I am lost as to what to do…….help

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 9, 2019 at 1:57 am

Hi Suzanne, so you need to start the process. You can read about everything you need to know about the process starting with the No Contact

Tina

September 18, 2019 at 12:46 am

I met a man 8 months ago and started dating him. At the very beginning of the relationship he told me he is still married but has nothing with his wife. The only reason he’s still married is because he made her the major shareholder in his company and she would shut him down if they divorced. He said he had a 2 year plan to move elsewhere but he was seeking the right woman because he wasn’t going to risk losing his company for something that wasn’t going to be long term. So I understood although I had many questions and wondered about the dynamics. We had an amazing relationship so I thought. Have never fought and only ever been happy. A week ago he went out of town to visit his son but before that made a stop in Las Vegas with a woman he’s apparently been dating for 11 years. She got into his phone and read some messages. Googled me and found my number and texted me. I was in shock and thought she’s a crazy old girlfriend and I sent a copy of it to my bf. His response was not to respond. Just before that though, he said his phone had been breached and won’t call or text until he figures it out. This lady texted me 3 more times before I responded. We shared a lot of stories and she wanted to meet me. I met up with her and she seemed nice but she was using me to get information for her own benefits. I supported her and tried to keep her chin up. My bf or should I say her bf, kept calling her and making an effort with her to mend things. At that time she stopped responding to me. When I texted my bf to ask if this is true. He said yes it is, I f***** up. I’m sorry. That’s all I got from him. No explanations, no closure, nothing. I emailed him too and no response. I am broken down to my core and am so depressed. I have no idea what went wrong where. Not to even get an explanation whatsoever is the worst. One reason this woman is with him is for financial purposes because he provides everything for her and pays her bills. And she said she’s not even attracted to him anymore. In my circumstance, I was so attracted to him and wasn’t in it for money but I genuinely loved him. I don’t know how to cope, I don’t know what to think, I so want him to talk to me and I probably would even take him back. I wish he would just be friends with me if nothing else. Do you have any advice for me to help me get through this.
Lauren

September 5, 2019 at 3:40 pm

Hi Chris,

My ex and I were together for 2 years when he decided to go to Europe and travel solo. He broke up with me when he couldn’t handle long distance, and slept with someone else 3 weeks later. 7 months later, I went to see him, and we rekindled our relationship and had been talking every few weeks while broken up. We remained long distance and he got a job in Europe, so I went to see him again for 3 weeks in June. We had a few bumps during that trip but when I was leaving we promised we would figure everything out and that everything would be okay. A month and a week after I left, we got on the phone on my birthday after we had been going back and forth about how I wasn’t happy with the level of communication and he was never around. He broke up with me again, but said he did love me… and then I said I had a gut feeling he had cheated. Prior to all of this, during our 2 years before, we had always said if something happened we would tell each other. He then confessed he had cheated on me, and said he was in compromising situations. He confirmed it was multiple times. When I asked why he didn’t tell me he said because he loved me.

After all of that, we talked a week after the break up and he said he didn’t not want me and did love me and consider me his best friend but it wasn’t working out and he knew he was a bad person for cheating but all he could do was move forward and learn. He told me I had to stop calling him. I have followed the NC rule now for 8 days. I am worried he is moved on and that we’ll never talk again. I am afraid he will never reach out.

Should I maintain NC for 45 days?
Prudence

August 24, 2019 at 4:11 am

Just curious, Chris…what are your thoughts on a 29 year marriage? I always thought we were soul mates, true bff’s, I was envied by my friends. We were good together. He’s going through this mid life crisis, I just know it. He’s got his race car, he’s even got a motorcycle. All of which I can handle believe you me, the one thing I can’t handle is the betrayal and the lies. I have recently learned that hes been meeting up with local escorts and even a young girl who is his best friends fwb and a mutual friend or so I thought. My heart has been shredded to bits. After 29 years he’s all I know. I can’t imagine my life without him. I’ve also been a stay at home mom/spouse all these years. I really have no independence so to speak. All of my friends are his friends. His family is my family. I can’t even vent to anyone cuz i love him to much for anyone to think bad of him, so I’d never tell anyone about his infidelity. I am completely depressed. All I keep wondering is why. In fact I’m so obsessed with digging up anything and everything I can about who he’s been with cuz he won’t tell me the truth. He has totally denied any of it. Yet, he can’t cuz i busted him out looking through his phone and saw a pic of some girl sitting on a hotel bed in a sexual pose in only a tank top and panties. Info on the pic showed that it was taken with his phone and the location and time were right on with his map data…he doesn’t deny taking her pic or getting the hotel room, no, he expects me to believe that they didn’t have sex. I later dug up through his browser history that she was an escort. (Gag). The young friend of course, let’s just say he’s not very good at discretion, I caught the two of them in a fb secret messenger chat. That stung a lil, he still thinks I’m stupid to believe that it was nothing that she’s not into him bla bla bla….then two days later, we were arguing and he leaves, goes for a ride…I waited n waited to hear something from him but I get nothing…til I tried calling his phone one more time only to hear a lot of background noise he doesn’t even know I’m on the other end I’m guessing he meant to swipe my call in reject but no he accepted w/o knowing…I hang on listening to sounds of him working on his truck(he’s a mechanic) then all of a sudden this so called friends voice saying “is it me you were waiting on” the dinger steady going off in his truck then I hear both doors slam and him telling her they need to get the hell out of town. That’s when I screamed his name into the phone. Wish I hadn’t cuz i lost all communication. Let’s just say he best be glad I didn’t find his truck parked at any of the local hotels. I took my baseball bat. Before I got home 2 hours later he had just made it home. There were some bad words and the palm of my hand meeting his cheek and different sleeping arrangements. But still there was his denial. Well as obsessed as I was proof is what I needed. Wasn’t hard at all cuz the call was recorded. I played it for him the following day. He had the nerve to get up and just walk out without a word but his look was priceless….he says they didn’t do anything either….I have since dug up more escorts and I’m very disgusted with my husband. I’m not sure what I want to do. I really just want to know why men deny deny deny he refuses to own up to any of it. I didn’t even tell his best friend about his fwb mutual bitch (ooops), mainly cuz i don’t want his bf to think bad of him. What is wrong with me? I guess I just need advice on how to make him see that I just want to hear the truth. I need the truth and maybe I can quit obsessing and go on with my life….

How deep was that?
Shattered wife
Angela

August 19, 2019 at 10:42 pm

My husband died 6 years ago. It took me 3 years to open my heart up to date. I started dating my husbands friend from work and have been dating him for 2 1/2 years until about 3 months ago and I found out from some people he worked with that he had been seeing his ex girlfriend from work. When I questioned him he ended it with me. He had blocked my number and blocked me on Facebook. I am so in love with this man. How can I get him back?
Sophia

August 14, 2019 at 10:36 pm

My ex boyfriend of one year cheated on me multiple times, i am going to say he was definitely my first love. He said he was happy with me and he showed it but he broke up with me after he found out that I found out he cheated. This was nine months ago. I still haven’t forgotten nor lost feelings, he contacted me 2 weeks ago saying he missed me and wanted another shot, I gave it to him but then said to forget everything he said? What do you think about this?
Kierra Manigault

August 12, 2019 at 1:42 am

Hey Chris,
I just ended a four month relationship in the worst way possible, I fought him and wished harm on him and said really really hateful things even though I don’t actually want anything to happen to him and I feel extremely guilty for my actions but here is why it happened. I caught him cheating about two weeks ago using a phone that I got him. When I caught him I put him out if my apartment and he got very upset with me and didn’t contact me at all so the next day I stopped by his sister’s house to ask why he’s upset with me if he was wrong but he still didn’t want to talk he said he needed time. I gave him two more days and stopped by again his sister lives literally on the next block, I forced him to conversate with me, which led to him apologizing and us getting back together that was only two weeks ago and everything felt different. Sex hasn’t been the same, he seems uninterested and he hasn’t done anything he promised to prove he’s sorry…he promised spending more time because we barely do that, he promised a date that never happened etc. So I work night audit and came home a few times and looked at the screen of his phone and keep seeing different numbers so I did my investigation and found out it was different females. A week later I was trying to decide if I was going to do it or not, but after adding one of the numbers in Snapchat I found it was a girl selling herself sexually I couldn’t hold it in so I confronted him, he declined then I asked to see his phone and saw numerous (over 5) different girls he’s been talking asking to meet up for kisses and hugs so I snapped out and that’s when the fight started. Should I be feeling guilty, do u think he misses me? Was I wrong or was he wrong for provoking me? I miss him alot and I’m trying not to contact him.
Simran Rai

June 2, 2019 at 11:04 am

had a relationship of 2 years but it was long distance and i moved to a bew city for my education so i had so many problems in the new city i had ni friends and i wanted someones company to share whats going on with me but my boyfriend he is in military so i cant contact him we could only talk for 20 minutes or like 30 minutes a week or more than a week sometimes we cant even talk he was busy and i didnt want to trouble him by sharing my problems because it was like we never shared our problems openly because we couldn’t meet up when we share our problems but i loved him so much but also i cheated on him at that time i needed someones company not physically but emotionally and with that peron i became close i shared my problems and he understood it but my boyfriend he found it about us and we broke up now its been a year we broke up but for the last time i want to meet him is it ok to ask for him yo me?
Ayelwin

April 13, 2019 at 11:22 pm

Hi..
My ex bf and I broke up one year back and I m with someone else. suddenly I dream abt him with a girl who is working with him .I had no idea and his new relationship .next day I saw him with that girl in the same place where I see in my dream. i got hurt ,drunk n sent msg him by mistake .he said ‘me n that girl is just friend ,i still have feelings for u’ . All of my friends tell me next day that they saw both of them going out together very often.eating together .. but he always asking abt me to one of my best friend .so when i talk to him face to face ,he said ‘you hv bf now so b with him..’ my bf know about my ex n me .he know that I still hv feeling for my ex.. but my bf doesn’t want to let me go even after he know I don’t hv feeling for him.. he love me a lot n care me but my mind is already taken place by my ex.. now what happens is my ex bf is with that girl and telling me they r just friend.. she has her fiance and gonna marry soon but why m I seeing them always together like a couple… they r lying to me n messing up with my mind..I feel so frustrated when I see he caring her n giving his time .. I never got his attention n care that much when I was with him.. now I feel so bad … what should I do now.. I want him to chase me back.. please help me I can’t get rid him off from my heart.. I feel sorry to my current relationship though..
Alexandra

April 1, 2019 at 7:51 am

Hi Chris,

I have a sort of strange one for you…

My ex and I were in a transatlantic long-distance relationship for about a year. For the entire year, we had excellent conversational chemistry and could talk for hours on end without getting bored, calling every day and sometimes even staying in a call (sleeping and everything) for two days or more. Even better, when I met him for the first time, a few months in, we had amazing in-person chemistry (sexual, mundane, and otherwise). I’ve had several long term relationships, but this was the best sex and mental/emotional connection I’ve ever experienced. However, something still felt off and out of nowhere we broke up, despite everything feeling the same.

Fast-forward a few months where we couldn’t stay apart and had continued our relationship just like before – he tries to make it official again but ends up having a breakdown the very next day and wants to call it off. I said I was so emotionally confused and that it’d be easier if there had just been another woman (which I had asked about). Suddenly he breaks and starts confessing to this ongoing affair he’d been having with a woman much younger than either of us. He showed me chat logs and I could see that she’d pursued him, coming on strong, for a few months and it eventually slid into more sexual territory even though he’d tried to create distance. (I should also note that during the time it started I was having issues reciprocating sexually because I had been sexually assaulted and withdrew whenever he got too sexual)

This girl was also cheating on her long term boyfriend whom she lived with and by her own admission is a doting boyfriend who loves and supports her (financially and otherwise). However, she still kept trying to convince him to cease all sexual contact or flirting with me, and he kept refusing. Then, when the girl learned that I was flying over to visit she rushed over to visit him the week before I arrived. He hadn’t been in a relationship before and doesn’t seem to understand women, so I don’t think he realized how manipulative she really is. She mirrored his speech early on, constantly flattered him, agreed with everything he said, never revealed her own emotions or that much personal information, and even brought drugs (including Ecstasy and Viagra) so that their first time would be more enjoyable. Then, while I was visiting with him she constantly texted him about how her heart had never hurt so much, she’d never been in so much pain, etc. and went on and on about how she didn’t want him to sleep with me. She even blew up on social media, telling all of their mutual friends that she wanted to commit suicide.

Right after this we “broke up” and it seemed like he felt genuinely guilty, broke down crying in front of me and said “I’m sorry” over and over even though I had no idea what was going on. After I left, she visited him two more times (New Year’s and Valentine’s day) then dumped/ghosted him. His confession was only a couple weeks later. He said even though he chose her it didn’t feel like much of a choice, because he’d never be able to tell me the truth about his cheating, he couldn’t stay in a relationship with that guilt, and she lived only 5 hours away, within the same country (whereas I was across an ocean and we didn’t have concrete plans yet to move). He said the entire experience was a nightmare and he’d never do this again, with me or anyone else, while admitting he still felt attached to her and hurt by the rejection. He wanted to rebuild the relationship and agreed to go to couple’s counseling even though he’s an extremely private person who dislikes doctors.

Now I’m torn, because on one hand, the relationship felt good enough that I was preparing to uproot my life and move to live with him while he finishes his studies, but on the other hand, all the trust is broken and our situation makes transparency ridiculously difficult. I also feel like he just rebounded to me, or worse, used me to get back at her and/or benefit their relationship. I also can’t get over the fact that he chose her over me, at least not at the moment, and his gullibility is very unattractive to me – it makes it more difficult for me to trust him or his feelings.

I’ve maintained No Contact for 5 days now, and he’s tried contacting me every day through multiple methods, even creating new accounts to get past my filters. So, I suppose my question for you is not “how can I can get my ex back,” but “how can I leverage No Contact to get my ex back better than before, in a way that he sees my value as a partner, makes some changes, and doesn’t do this again?”

Chris Seiter

April 1, 2019 at 10:28 pm

HI Alexandra… so good job in maintaining the NC for 5 day. You asked the very question that my Program gets into in a big way. I do cover it in posts and podcasts and videos too, but if you are looking for a blueprint, check out EBR PRO!

Linda

March 17, 2019 at 11:10 am

Hi chris,
My ex Brad cheated on me while I was serving my country. We were separated since 10 months ago due to both of our deployments. He cheated on me with one girl then left me for another claiming he was not going to cheat on this one. He liked her pictures on social media and claimed she was beautiful from what my sister said. I had to cut all ties so I told him I will leave you alone forever goodbye. Recently he has messages me three times once saying hi, another saying he is sorry and Hope’s i find someone who will treat me right and the third talking about tickets. The last message was a week after the first. He also has said he wanted to meet me halfway after I told him goodbye. I was nice to him afterwards and havent talked to him since January because I am conflicted. He even blocks and unblocks me from social media. Is there any hope? He wasnt a very nice guy but I do believe he has a big heart when he tries doing nice things. It’s that man that I miss not the one who wouldnt settle with me.

Thanks,
Linda

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