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Harry
October 6, 2016 at 8:13 pm
Amor after everything, what do you think my chances are of getting her back? Do you think I completely ruined everything on my birthday?
Singh
October 6, 2016 at 8:10 pm
Hey amor, I asked Chris a question using the SpeakPipe app. Where and when will I receive his answer to my question?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 9, 2016 at 2:38 pm
Hi,
if your voice mail was chosen, you would receive an email
Caroline
October 6, 2016 at 5:47 pm
After my boyfriend cheated on me and then ghosted me this summer we didn’t talk for 60 days. We go to the same college so once we got back due to leftover unresolved anger from the summer, we had an altercation which led to a sit down closure conversation going through what happened in the break up and him apologizing profusely. After that conversation I thought we were done for good but he started texting and snap chatting me constantly throughout the day for about a week. We decided to hang out and while he was over he tried to hook up with me. I stopped it because it was all very confusing for me and when I asked him what him hooking up with me meant he said it meant nothing and he just wants to be friends. This upset me because I still love him, so I asked him not to talk to me anymore to give me time to get over him. Later that night after he left he sent me a LONG text saying that he doesn’t think of me as a friend he was just nervous and he doesn’t want to lose me again, he has feelings for me still, etc. After having another long face to face convo we decide that we will try to see where things go with each but no pressure. After that he comes over for 3 nights in a row, 2 of which we had sex. Everything was great. Then he just stops texting me at all for 2 weeks, sending the occasional snapchat but was being very dry and different with me. I also found out that he apparently has been reconnecting with his ex before me as well who also goes to our school. I think that is more on a friendship level than on a romantic pursuing, but it still made me feel bad so I asked him again to just leave me alone and let me get over him because he keeps playing with my emotions and giving me false hope. He agreed to and apologized profusely saying that that wasn’t his intention. He also told me that I’m one of the best people he’s ever met in his life and is lucky to just know me. Its been 2 weeks since that conversation and we haven’t seen each other around, but yesterday he sent me a text wishing me good luck on my midterms. I’m so confused on how to interpret all of his actions. I hear from people all the time that he says that I’m a great girl and that he really fucks up, but every time I give him a chance to make it right he messes it up. What should I do? How do I figure out his true emotions about me? Do i need to do No contact again?
Caroline
November 29, 2016 at 4:33 am
Since writing this post my ex has been hot and cold with me. He let me borrow his basketball jersey for my halloween costume and was overly kind and friendly to me. But then after that when he saw me around campus he acted very weird and nervous/flighty, like he was scared or nervous to be around me. When I texted him to give back his jersey he never replied and on my birthday he sent me a very dry birthday message. The following week though he came up to my table while I was eating dinner and initiated a 15 minute convo with me just asking how I am and catching up. Also the day after thanksgiving he initiated a snapchat convo with me. In this snapchat convo he snapped me like we were still dating and on great terms. I am so confused by his actions. I can’t tell if he still likes me or wants to be friends or doesn’t want to be in my life at all anymore. Part of me thinks that maybe he is just nervous to start things back up with me but the other part thinks maybe he doesn’t want me. This seems unlikely to me though considering all the drama we went through in September with him confessing his emotions to me (everything i said in my initial post). This roller coaster of emotions has made it so hard for me to move on though because it always leaves me with a little hope for what could be with him, especially with all the history. What should I do? Should I just cut him out of my life completely (except for a wave when we pass each other on campus) or continue to feed into his irregular interactions with me? I’m so conflicted.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 29, 2016 at 7:58 pm
If you want to continually move on, just dont interact
Caroline
October 10, 2016 at 4:34 pm
So do I need to do no contact again or can I associate with him? Also, how can I even figure out his intentions?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 11, 2016 at 11:20 am
don’t sleep with him.. if he still talks to you, sees you, does things for you, then he is proving more that he’s willing to make it work.. action versus words.. start talking to him when he initiates again, just don’t demand, don’t get annoyed.. let him do the work while you do your own thing.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 9, 2016 at 2:13 pm
Hi Caroline,
you have to move slow and let him prove his intentions first before investing everything again.. if he asked you back, dont sleep with him right away.. have fun when you’re together but be focused in your life when you’re not
Tiff
October 6, 2016 at 5:52 am
Okie I’m very keen to get this guy who likes me, to be in a relationship with me- he doesn’t want one because I think I’m either too young (10 year difference) or maybe he is waiting for someone better or commitment issues. He was never really clear why.
Met him on a night out, he was kind of a one night stand that turned into an exclusive friends with benefits for a good 6 month. During that time we pretty much did everything you would do in a relationship it was perfect we were both very happy. He didn’t want a relationship though so that’s why I ended up leaving him. I guess I did do that no contact thing for a bit (I wish I read this article a month ago so I had a plan) and he reached out to me after a month. There were a couple of booty call messages and I just said I wasn’t interested. But we did text about what we were up to now and stuff like that. We did eventually catch up and he was going to help me with my packing list for this big mountain trek I’m doing. We also got dinner and watched a movie. We did get a bit “friendly” and I said I wasn’t keen to do anything because I would just feel used and empty after. But he did persist and I ended up leaving him with some blue balls lol. He texted me sorry. And I just sent him a reply of how he is a dick and that he doesn’t respect me or my feelings lol and that we should never speak again. He has been texting back but I’m just ignoring (I have totally rekindled this wrong lol). I really like him and I have dated heap (like heaps) of guys and he is the only one that has ever made me feel amazing.
Should I start the 30 day non contact period again???. And then do the plan? I guess I would have done it earlier and right if I read this article (:
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 7, 2016 at 5:20 pm
Hi Tiff,
yeah, try doing the proper no contact rule.. Be active in improving yourself during and after it.. There’s no guarantee that he will turn around but you have to be strong in not being a booty call again, ever.
Confidential
October 5, 2016 at 8:13 pm
What of your ex bf know that u are doing the no contact rule?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 7, 2016 at 3:50 pm
Hi Confidential,
hmmm.. first, why do you want to be friends with him? Second, even if he knows the no contact rule, what matters is how much you will change during and after it because the change will help you be more rational. Meaning, he won’t be able to emotionally affect you easily.
Yanna
October 5, 2016 at 2:42 pm
Hey Chris!
Long story short my ex bf broke it off with me about 6 weeks ago. during the first 4 weeks we kept in contact and I attempted no contact for 7 days and in that time I cracked because he texted twice and called me. The week after that we had sex twice on a Saturday which was hands down the best we ever had and as I walked him to his car he told me he wanted me to be happy and live my life and if the relationship happens then it happens and we have a bunch of kids together, but we can’t predict the future, stop crying because you’re too beautiful to cry. So the next Wednesday he called at around 12 am and asked me “how am I doing” I said fine I was sleeping and he kind of got an attitude. so he hung up I called back and I told him he can always call if he needs me. ever since then I haven’t heard from him. it has been 14 days since then. what should I do? after the breakup he was always 1st to contact me. I think I reached out to him maybe twice. also i play college basketball. when we were laying together on that saturday he said “who knows I might surprise you at one of your games.” so should I do no contact until he surprises me? oooorrrr should I just contact him after the 30 days? Or should I wait 45? Or 21?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 7, 2016 at 2:38 pm
Hi Yanna,
not sure if you saw my reply to your first comment so, I’m going to paste it here.
Hi Yanna,
the more important thing is if you are doing new things.. because if you didn’t you have to restart the count.. It’s very important that when he sees you, he’ll think you’ve changed.. since you’re an athlete, just maintain your physique.. have a haircut, join a new club or volunteer to meet new people and make new friends..and then after 30 days initiate contact but continue those activities
Jamie
October 5, 2016 at 2:07 pm
My boyfriend and I just broke up two days ago. We only dated 5.5 months but have known one another for a couple of years. Finally this year we both reached the point in our lives that we were ready for a relationship. Everything between us just clicked, we got along on many important issues, we both had the same values, we had a great foundation to our relationship which was aside from just being boyfriend girlfriend we were one anothers closest friends and we could speak about anything. Early last month he closed on a home that he had been wanting and saving for a couple of years. I feel once that happened things went down hill extremely fast. We weren’t getting into fights but he became extremely stressed with being a new homeowner and all the responsibilities it came with. It almost felt like both of us put our relationship on the back burner. On Sunday he said he didn’t know what or when or why it happen but the relationship has seemed to fade. He didn’t feel the spark anymore. It wasn’t completely out of left field it felt their was something off about us for a couple of weeks but I merely thought once things were to calm down with his new home things would go back to normal. I had just attended a family gathering for his side a week prior and everything seems good. We had spoken a couple of days prior about possibly going away for a weekend and asked about when my friends engagement party was so he wouldn’t plan his house warming the same evening. He had said making the decision was extremely difficult because we got along so great and we never argued much and if we did we’d resolve our issues right away. He said lately he began seeing me more as a friend rather then someone he could be romantically with, which of course hurt to hear. I asked where we should go from here, and he said he wanted us to remain in each others lives and be friends because we always got along and we could always speak about almost anything. I told him I couldn’t do that because that isn’t at all how I viewed him. I asked if we could take a couple of weeks apart, and talk again once we’ve had our space, but he said he didn’t believe in breaks and didn’t think his feelings would change in couple of weeks. At the end I told him in a few weeks when things have settled for him he could contact me but he replied saying he wanted to give me that choice of contacting him. As I got up to leave he went to open the door and as I approached him he leaned in for a hug and broke down and cried on my shoulder. This is a man who doesn’t display his feelings much at all, he has never cried for another woman and has always believed that if he breaking up with them it’s for good reason and no need to cry about it. I asked him why he was crying and he pulled and looked away so I wouldn’t be able to see his face. I told him I didn’t hate him I just hated this situation. We leaned back in and we both then broke down crying. When I left I didn’t say anything, just into my car and drove home. We haven’t spoken since, I have no intention of contacting him because I believe time and space will be what we both need. I have this gut feeling of hope between us because we had such a great relationship, I don’t want to hold on to hope of us rekindling but do you think looking at what I’ve said that their is a slight possibility? I guess him crying means a lot to me because he doesn’t display feelings like that but I don’t know why he did it if he was the one initiating the break up. I’ve decided to take 30 days apart and concentrate on myself, I have purged myself from social media so I do not have the temptation to look at his profiles. But I’m afraid he won’t miss me and when I’m ready to contact him again he won’t care. Please help shed some light on my situation if possible.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 7, 2016 at 2:36 pm
Hi Jamie,
you have to be active in social media.. That’s your way of showing your improvements and increasing your chances.. He has to think you’re improving and moving on..
Timothy
October 5, 2016 at 1:36 pm
Hi there,
After reading your fantastic article I thought that I should give it a try but I really need some advice now.
So I did the no contact rule for 2 months – not sure if that was too long but I felt it was necessary. During the 2 months of no contact she didntcontsct me once, in fact she blocked me from everything. During the two two months of no contact I also met someone else who I’m currently seeing/ dating but nothing more but I still can’t stop thinking about my ex and thinking that I’ve made the biggest mistake ever letting her go. While we were together it felt like I was doing all the work and putting in all the effort and she didn’t really reciprocate the efforts – mostly because she was a student and didn’t have money but it wasn’t the money aspect that was getting at me it was the lack of effort, anyway the lack of effort made me really insecure and that led to me being really over analysing over everything which was the main reason we argued. Anyway we broke up and got back together twice before she had to leave as she was an exchange student and she had to go back to her home country but just as we got back together and she was in her home country my insecurities manifested and we started arguing again then finally she had enough and broke up with me ( this was in June). The last time we got back together I fought for her back,like I really fought my ass off for her but this time I really thought she would fight for me hence why the no contact rule went to 2 months as I was expecting her to message but she didn’t. So after 2 months I emailed her seeing as she had blocked me on everything, albeit I was drunk at the time of emailing her and stupidly I put that in the message but I messaged her asking how she was and I hope she was enjoying her summer but she didn’t respond so I thought that she might have block my email so I resentthe email using another email address and she replied straight away saying that she had “received both emails and that she was going fine but she had been busy” and ended it with a “take care” – so I emailed her back that evening saying that I didn’t mean to bombard her with emails and that I wasn’t sure she recieved the initial message and left it at that but she didn’t respond to that. So yesterday was her birthday and I thought that it would be nice to send her a email wishing her a happy birthday seeing as though she must have returned back to university a few days ago hoping she would reply to my birthday email and hope she would want to meet up or something but she hasn’t replied to my birthday email which I kept short and sweet saying “happy birthday I hope you have a wonderful day”, that was all I emailed but still no reply or even acknowledgment.
Not sure where to go from here or what I should do next. I don’t attend her university and I don’t live close enough to bump into her.
Do you think that this is it for us ? Like I’ve wanted to tell her for the longest time that I’m sorry for being insecure and causing problems for us even though we were the perfect fit, I still think of her as the love of my life even when I’m with the girl I’m dating now. I don’t want to give up on her as I told her that I would never and it’s really hard near enough impossible to go a day without thinking about her.
No sure how to go about it now, should I call her on a different number hoping she’d spesk to me ? Do I email her asking to meet up ? Bearing in mind she’s ignored my last two emails, really not sure what the next step is.
I could really do with some advice from the relationship recovery gods on this website.
Timothy
October 23, 2016 at 6:10 am
Hi there
Well I’m sure even if I do open a social media account what is gonna look like if I add her ? Even adding her is a break in the no contact rule …. or am I preparing my social media account to fill it up so after the no contact rule I add her and she can see all the wonderful adventures I’ve been on ?
Look Forward to hearing from you
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 24, 2016 at 9:32 pm
yes to the second one! 🙂 dont add her yet during the no contact rule
Timothy
October 16, 2016 at 10:30 am
Thank you for replying so quickly.
Ahhh okay you make a lot of sense… I defo came to the right place.
But how long do I wait ? You said I can’t do anything in the near future but I’m thinking if I leave it too long she’ll eventually move on. The main problem is I don’t have any social media which I suppose is a good thing as I can’t stalk her accounts but that also means she can’t see me and see how I’m progressing. Like in the 3 months we separated I’ve changed jobs, bulked up as I’m been going gym regularly and started travelling and doing a lot more activities like sky diving but still even though I lead a hectic life now and keep myself busy I still think about her.
Not sure what to do now ….
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 17, 2016 at 6:21 pm
Well, you need to open a social media account.. Try at least 30-45 days before initiating contact again..
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 7, 2016 at 2:33 pm
Hi Timonthy,
she avoided your emails because it showed how much you still want her back.. She has to think first that you’re just being friendly, so that she would reply.. That you’re not doing it to get her back.. That way you can slowly build rapport. But I don’t think you can do that in the near future because of your latest action..
Jasmine
October 5, 2016 at 10:51 am
Hello. So I met my ex boyfriend originally on study abroad in Spain (June 2015). We made an amazing connection, but I was leaving and not coming back for 7 months. We didn’t make it official but continued to talk and got closer and closer until I came back (last February 2016). We then became an official couple and dated for 6 months. I had to go back home for 2 months to the US and we got into a big argument while I was home after a week. Basically I had become really insecure and felt like he didn’t care about me and kept making little things bigger than they were. While it was happening he ended up opening up to me about a lot of things that have happened to him in his life, and said he wanted to be better so he could have a better relationship with me. The rest of the 2 months we were on a “break”. But anytime I brought us up he said he wanted to fix things with me when I got back. Well I’m back now permanently. We met and talked I apologized to him and told him I realized what I had been doing. He hugged me, told me I was perfect, but that he can’t be with me. He said he doesn’t know what’s going to happen in his life, that things were too complicated with us, that he needs to figure out who he is and what he wants (he is 30, I am 25). He said hes starting to believe hes the kind of person that he is just not compatible for a relationship and he doesn’t deserve that kind of happiness. That part of him still wants to be with me, but he wants to he alone right now. I broke down cried, begged, did literally everything I’m not supposed to do. He’s confused with his life in general he just turned 30 and doesn’t like his job, etc. I realized I also need to work on finding myself before I can be in a healthy relationship again. But I really love him and we were super compatible together. We argued some but nothing beyond normal. We want the same things out of life (further along), we agree on all major things. I’m starting the no contact rule. But he was so calm about it all I am scared there is no hope. He didn’t want to talk about us the day we got back because he was stressed with work things but I basically forced him into it. Basically gave him an ultimatum. Again bad I know. I asked how long he’s known and he said one week. I just can’t wrap my mind around how 2 weeks ago he wanted kids and a future with me and now he doesn’t. We talked in person Friday, the last time I messaged him was sunday, it’s wednesday now (so day 3 of NC). But since we’ve been physically apart for 2 months I’m afraid he may be too far into moving on that nothing will work. However we have never gone more than 3 days without talking to each other since we met 1 year and 3 months ago. Is there any hope here?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 7, 2016 at 2:09 pm
Hi Jasmine,
I think there’s still a chance.. Just be active in improving yourself so you can increase your chances of him missing you. He will miss you since you’re not used to not talking to each other.
Leela
October 5, 2016 at 3:02 am
I’ve broke up 10 months ago, during our separation is still in touch with each other as friends, my ex has several times expressed regret to break up with me, he is still in relationship with his new GF in mode on off , all the time that my ex relationship with his new GF in a break then continues. My ex still contacting and care about me as usual and it makes me more uncomfortable, I longed to hold him and touch him and wanted to kiss him cheek. but I also firmly in my mind that we’re just friends and nothing more than that. What should I do? is it worth if I expressed a desire to return to it again, or I break up with him as a friend?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 7, 2016 at 10:36 am
Hi Leela,
so, you’re friendzoned? if you’re friendzoned or he’s stringing you along then you should stop being friends with him for now or reverse friendzone..check this one:
EBR 012: How To Get Out Of The “Friend Zone” With Your Ex Boyfriend
Ems
October 4, 2016 at 1:14 pm
Hello, my bf and I have been broken up for a month. The entire time we spoke and I begged and cried. He moved on a week later after the break up and last week he posted a picture with the new girl on snapchat and I flipped out. I texted him cussing him out and that Im completely done with him. Yesterday, texted him something thats called a “clean slate message” that I got from another relationship expert. I texted him ” Hey! I know this is a bit random but I just wanted to say thanks for all the great times we spent together. I’ve learned a lot from our relationship and I’m moving on. I hope we can still be friends down the road, though. Anyway, hope all is well with you” and he responded with “I’m so glad you feel that way. I know for sure that we could have had a great life and a fulfilling relationship together, but I guess that just isn’t what I wanted. I know you’re going to make someone extremely happy. You’re so loyal and beautiful and honest. I will forever cherish the time we spent together, but I hope that we both completely move on.”
Im now going to completely do the 31 day no contact. Do you think I still have a chance to win him back? I need help.
Ems
October 15, 2016 at 1:48 pm
Yeah, he then responded that I shouldn’t change for him because I’m beautiful the way I am. & I responded ” You think everything I’ve done is for you? Im not changing who I am for you. I would never do that for anyone. I’m becoming who I want to be. The fact that you love, live, and promise a future with someone & then just drop them bc they have a few flaws is what’s getting me. And plus even knowing that you could be happy with them & then just leaving them for someone else is petty. It doesn’t matter who you’re with, they will have flaws. No one is perfect. But you left someone who loved you, flaws & all. You meant the world to me & I would have done everything to be with you. But I guess love isn’t good enough anymore”and he responded that it was more than that that he just wasn’t sure that we could be happy. I then made it seem that I accepted the breakup and that I wish him the best. He said thank you and he didn’t bring up his stuff so I did and told him to get it at a later time. It ended there and I’m really now starting the NC rule. I’m deleting his number and everything.
Ems
October 14, 2016 at 1:07 am
So after a week in a half of NC I broke up asking him for some closure and he responded and we kind of texted and he said “I think a lot of it was not wanting to try new things that I really enjoyed. Like singing or playing in the pool. I don’t want to be with someone who’s fear keeps them from doing different things, especially things I really enjoy.” & his rebound enjoys both of these things. I told him that I’m more confident in my singing now & I’m starting to take swimming lessons (which are both true) he didn’t respond yet because I think he’s at work. But so if I restart he NC rule and really work on myself do you think he will regret leaving me??
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 14, 2016 at 4:01 pm
oh no.. you broke it and then you chased him by trying to convince him that you’re getting better..
that lessens your chances, because he would think that everything you do to improve yourself might be just to get him back…
there’s no guarantee that nc will work but if that is what he’s thinking, you have to offset or counter that because he would also think that the change is not genuine, you’ll go back to the old you if he gets back to you..
If you’re going to restart, you need to do at least 45 days and really stick to it..
Ems
October 7, 2016 at 3:40 am
I commented again with a more detail description of what has happened. I missed some details.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 9, 2016 at 4:27 pm
Thank you Ems,..yes, I still think you have a chance.. focus more in yourself than even if they become official he would still see you as the better option
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 6, 2016 at 5:58 pm
Hi Emily,
I think you still have a chance.. Just be very active in improving yourself during and even after no contact
Elyce
October 4, 2016 at 11:43 am
Hi,
My exboyfriend and I broke up only a few days ago. I have implemented the no contact rule, he had messaged me already (2 days later) asking if I’m ok – I haven’t replied.
The break up wasn’t all that bad, I never yelled or cried in front of him. He seemed pretty confused with it all and even contradicted himself with that he doesn’t know if he is making a mistake and that he loves me but he’s got to go with his head at the moment and he doesn’t feel he is ready for a relationship. I left it with telling him that he needs to figure out exactly what it is that he wants.
He is a phycologist and I guess I’m a little worried that he might clue into the not contact rule thing and it not work. And on top of that he can be pretty stubborn when he makes his mind up, I’m worried that it might all work but as he is starting to develop feelings again he may talk himself out of it and retract away from me again.
I know this processes is about working on myself and what not throughout the 30 days, and I’m doing that. I’ve got goals and asperations I want to work towards.
But how can I get him to not talk himself out of getting feelings for me again if he does develop them. Or if he clues into the 30 days no contact then making myself available/unavailable, what if he views it as games. What do I do then?
Elyce
October 7, 2016 at 9:22 pm
Hi, thank you for getting back to me.
I’m not too sure if he would talk himself out of it or not. But during the break up he said that “he hasn’t ready for a relationship”. What if we start talking again and things go well, but then he gets scared and backs away again because “he’s not ready”.
I know I can’t change someone’s mind, but is there a trick or a phrase that can assist in this stimulation?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 10, 2016 at 12:23 pm
The best you can do is to tell him you understand and to continue your own thing because then he will see, that you’re not pressuring him because you have your own life and he’s going to lose somebody great if he keeps being undecisive..
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 6, 2016 at 5:29 pm
Hi elyce,
even if he knows the no contact rule, he doesn’t have an idea if that it is what you’re doing. And he’s still human, if he has feelings for you, it will hurt to see you move on and he will still feel the feeling of regret when you improve yourself. why would he talk himself out of loving you?
Kamy
October 4, 2016 at 5:32 am
So I’ve been an emotional wreck these days. ;( What happened was just last month, I went off to college 5 hours away and two weeks into me going away, he suddenly sends breakup texts with his main reasoning being “he wants to study abroad and work abroad so he sees our future being bleak”. (keep in mind he is a senior in high school) The day right before he sent a text saying “I love you and miss you so much, we should video chat this weekend baby”. We’ve also had no fights in months. And in the breakup texts, he continues to say that “by us being together isn’t going to get us individual success for the sake of both our futures”. Towards the end of the message, he mentions that “this is goodbye for now at least baby, who knows, we might meet again in the future if it is meant to be”. I try to reason with him for a bit and even ask him if it was because he has feelings for someone else, to which he replied that “No, he does not have feelings for someone else, but he just sees our relationship as unrealistic”. After reading all this I was utterly confused because we had devoted almost a year into each other and the most important part was how immersed I had become with his family and in his life. I had even gone out of state to meet his extended family and he also told me “i love you” the week before me going away. Exactly TWO weeks after all this, his NEW GIRLFRIEND posts a photo of them together on social media, stating that they are now official. I also know for sure that he was not talking to anyone else while we were together. She is clearly some type of rebound and my determination to eventually have him back is draining my living sanity. I haven’t been able to eat, sleep, do homework, or even get out of bed for class sometimes. I plan on (possibly surprise) visiting him and his family in a week and also bring gifts. His family and I have a great relationship and his mother even said she would be excited for me to come visit when I told her. The parents and siblings have said they missed me. My main question now is, what are the best things I can do to eventually win him back? (without feeling like I’m disrespecting his new relationship too much) I am so determined to the point of no return, and I have heard enough of “just move on” from my peers. I want to hear something more than “just move on”. please
Kamy
October 7, 2016 at 1:17 am
Hi, yes I have informed his mom that I’m coming, which she positively responded to. I would also like to ask that the “dont keep appearing in his life now” may be a risky action to take because if I am not there occasionally to remind him of me, would he possible forget me almost completely? I view that “seeing him occasionally these days” as rejuvenating the fact that I am still here.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 9, 2016 at 4:39 pm
your posts would be your way of being present.. and he wouldnt have a chance of missing you if you kept being physcially present, it also breaks the no contact rule..
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 6, 2016 at 12:28 pm
Hi Kamy,
have you already told his family that you are coming? If you really want a chance, dont keep appearing in his life now.. you would like you’re chasing him.. start no contact rule.. improve yourself.. do at least 30 days and read this tooWhat To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Moves On To A New Girl (Video)
Cecile
October 1, 2016 at 10:36 pm
My ex and I broke up at the end of July this year after 2 years of our relationship. He said he was tired because I couldn’t give him attention. I became a gnat and did what desperate people do. Some weeks later that month he still had feelings for me and even kissed me. I tried to prove that he’s important but I always froze when I was near him because I blush and such. He got annoyed of that and tried to move on. At the end of August, he said he started to develop feelings for someone and that someone happened to be a friend of mine. He’s the kind of depressed guy and would see life as death. I did NC starting from end of August to somewhere near the beginning of September (maybe 21 days) because he suddenly messaged me asking how I was. He said he missed me and felt really depressed but happy because “I get to have a smile” as he said. I tried getting him back again but he tried pushing me away because “you’ll get hurt and I don’t want that smile to disappear”. He said he loves someone else but he got friendzoned. He said he’s looking for attention and didn’t want me to leave him. (Yes, ironic.) I tried motivating him to change perspective and tried to help him get her but he insisted that she’ll never like him back. He’s always negative about himself and has no one to talk with about his feelings or how his life is doing. I’m afraid that if I leave him and redo NC, he might be more depressed and kill himself. He said he’s worthless and useless. I love him because he has great dreams and great logic. I want to fix him. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 4, 2016 at 6:24 pm
Hi Cecile,
You can’t fix him. He needs professional therapy.. All you’re doing is rewarding his depressive behavior be acting like his crutch.
Lucy
October 1, 2016 at 7:36 pm
can i skip 7 (the first contackt messege) and skip to 8?. i kinda feel like i already know what to write as the first contackt messege but it sounds more like the ones in 8 because theres a memory in it. is that a bad idea?
our breakup was kinda bad him getting angry at me because i was incecure me ending up begging.
im kinda on the end of nc and he havnt texted at all and i also saw him with another girl here today (we live in the same city) they didnt hold handt or anything so i cant really tell if they are togheter. but i know he might be the kinda guy to move on from girl to girl all the time (maybe i shoudnt have met him at all lol). anyways what we had was good in my mind and this just became to long sry.
Lucy
October 4, 2016 at 6:27 pm
i dont know i think the ”it made me smile” example is kinda the same as the others and kinda wiered to write lol.
i dont know what to write then..
then it should be asking for advice on a thing i know he likes doing in his spare time.
wish there was more examples.
thx for answering
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 6, 2016 at 8:55 pm
You’re welcome! Yep, you can try asking for advice.
Lucy
October 1, 2016 at 7:52 pm
– i should probably mention that he blocked my number and fb. only way to reach him is thru email.
unless he blocked me there aswell but i dont think he thought that far.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 4, 2016 at 6:08 pm
Hi Lucy,
Memory texts are better sent when you’ve already built rapport.. so, it would be better if you do the first contact texts.
Lucy
October 1, 2016 at 9:25 am
Hi, me and my boyfriend have been speaking on and off for four years. We became official in January (8 months ago) After seeing eachother for about six months before that. In that time he wasn’t faithful (when we were seeing eachother) but after acting like I was moving on ️️he finally committed to me. We were extremely close met up almost every day etc. The recently he found out he didn’t get into uni when all his frienD’s did and he keeps saying he thinks he’s depressed and ‘in a bad place’. He kept saying ‘I dont know’ when I asked anything about us, why he didn’t want me anymore why he didn’t want to meet up. After the initial break up we kept getting back together then he would end it again. However this time he did not contact me and refused to see me, he did it through facebook. I at first went crazy and pleaded and begged with him for it to just be a break to see how he feels and he kept saying ‘I dont know’. Then I initiated NC for 4 days until I gave in and asked if there was someone else, he said ‘no’ and I asked when do I get my closure he said ‘I dont know’ after this I kept pushing him and asking him why etc and I asked is this definitely over for good he said ‘yes I’m sorry’ and I said what if you regret it and miss me he said ‘I don’t know’ I also asked why he said ‘I still think we are not best together but idk’. We normally always work through our breaks but this is completely different. He said if I saw him it wouldn’t change anything and that I need to stop talking to him because he’s in a shit place and that ‘no I don’t want this anymore’ referring to the break up. Please please help me? What do I do? What do you think my chances are of getting him back xz
Lucy
October 1, 2016 at 9:26 am
Also, when speaking he said ‘yes it is definitely over’ but then he said ‘I love you though’ which really confused me please please help x
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 4, 2016 at 2:10 pm
HI Lucy,
Let him be for now.. He just feels everything sucks so give him space.. and I think you should read this one:
How To Prevent A Breakup With Your Boyfriend When You Know It’s Coming
Jess
September 29, 2016 at 5:21 pm
Hi
I started NC with my ex boyfriend three days ago. And I really want to do my best to make it work. I have two problems though and I really need some advice.
1. My ex said that he wants to be friends. I don’t want to just be friends.
2. We have tickets to go to this castle that has a great Halloween party. The tickets were hard to get and our circle of friends is going.
This trip will be before the 30 days are up. What can I do? Because I really don’t want to miss this trip.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 30, 2016 at 11:31 pm
Hi Jess,
When you go to the trip, just be civil with him. look your best. Don’t initiate a conversation. If he does, be polite but give short replies. If he starts a relationship conversation, tell him you’re not ready to talk about it and you’re not ready to be friends yet in a polite way.
Jess Danielle
September 29, 2016 at 6:56 am
Hi,
My boyfriend (21) just broke up with me (22) last night after dating for almost a year and a half. It came completely out of the blue, even though he’d been acting a little off lately. I was under the impression that it was something we could work out together, like we usually do. The only thing we’ve ever had trouble with in our relationship is his parents, who are extremely religious Catholics. They have always bullied him about being a good Catholic, to the point where I had to tell him that I thought they were being emotionally abusive. They always put him down and tried to tell him he wasn’t living his life right. They always made digs at our relationship and said manipulative things to try and make him break up with me. Last night they accomplished what they’d set out to do. A few weeks ago my boyfriend seemed really strange and I got him to finally open up to me. He told me his mother told him that if he and I ever decided to get married, she and her family wouldn’t attend our wedding. This affected my boyfriend so much that he nearly cried while I was trying to comfort him. I assured him that this was completely crossing a boundary and that his mother 1. should not say something like that to his face and 2. probably didn’t even mean it. Just another manipulation. That is to say, my boyfriend has known since even before we started dating that his parents’ relationship with him has not been normal. Earlier in our relationship they told him that he had to break up with me or move out of their house. And he moved out. (Just a disclaimer: the reason they don’t like me isn’t because I’m a bad person at all. At one point his dad even said he thought I was good for him (out of earshot of my boyfriend’s mother). They don’t like me for him because I’m not Catholic.) Recently he has been feeling guilty about the strain moving out put on his family, and although I have told him it’s not his fault they think this way (and tell him that he’s ruined the family), he didn’t seem to get over the fact that he put a strain on his family. Although they treat him badly, he still loves them and when given the choice (part of the reason why he broke up with me) he would pick them over me. I never told him he had to make that choice, and to my knowledge his parents have never said that outright, but the way he behaved last night made it seem like they almost made him break up with me. He was acting like a completely different person devoid of emotions. Like a robot. He kept saying that he needed to work on himself and didn’t want to drag me with him. However, I have never given him the impression that if he was going through a rough patch that I wouldn’t want to be there to love and support him through it. The way he broke up with me made it seem like he was confused himself, and kind of seemed like he didn’t even want to break up with me, that he was trying to convince himself it was the right thing to do since it was what his parents advised (he says he is going to try to be Catholic, since it is so important to them). Although he has been talking a lot about his happiness lately, I feel like he is trying to please his parents rather than going after his own happiness. I tried to talk to him today but he said he needs some time. He shattered my heart and I need to talk to him but I am going to give him some space and wait a few days (like he said he needed) and see if he contacts me to talk. I just am writing this because I want to know if I’m doing the right thing holding out hope that he might change his mind about me. That maybe he’ll spend more time with them and realize how unhappy he is doing what they want him to do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 30, 2016 at 9:37 pm
Hi Jess,
Well, he’s still pretty young. He’s not that emotionally mature to handle or initiate a sincere talk with his mom that if she ever tries to push her religion into him, he would not oblige. That she just wasting energy. You can’t control him. So, you just got to let him be because come to think of it, if you marry him and he doesn’t develop a spine for his own happiness, then you would suffer trying to make him, his parents, your kids–and in the bottomline, your life happy.
It would be a toxic life later on, because you will get caught up in their cycle too if he doesn’t learn to just shrug off what his mom says and live his life. That’s for him to learn and for you to just let him be.
Alex
September 27, 2016 at 10:57 pm
My boyfriend of two years just broke up with me on Sunday. The breakup was really calm (aside from both of us crying) he asked to give me one last hug before he left…then he sprinted out of the door because he was crying so much. The next day we ran into each other at a coffee shop we used to go to (I will admit, I only went because I knew he would be there). I pretended like I didn’t see him. He saw me, and instead of leaving, he came up and patted me on the back asking how I was doing. I asked him if we could talk more and he said no because it’s only healthy to have some distance after a breakup. I took it as it is an backed off. The breakup came as a complete surprise to me. We had gone through quite a bit together and even travelled to Europe twice. We had one semi bad fight a month ago (but every couple has fights). When I asked him why he was breaking up with me he said “it’s not as enjoyable as it used to be and that he was tired of the on and off fighting(again, didn’t fight more than the average couple). When I asked him if he was sure about wanting to break up with me at the moment he said yes he was sure. I know other friends who have been in similar situations and they are now back together with their ex. I still love him, and I’m going to implement to the no contact rule for 5 weeks. I think that the five weeks will give me time to reflect on my feelings towards him and at the end of the five weeks if I still want to be with him then I am planning on sending him a text to ask if we can grab a quick drink or a coffee or something. Do you think that with my situation I should implement the no contact rule? He has also not unfollowed me on social media (which he is very active with)…should I unfollow him? Or should I let him view my posts/let him realize that I’m still going about my life and that I am not dependent on him for my happiness?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 29, 2016 at 5:09 am
Hi Alex,
yes on doing the no contact rule and being active in social media.. and yes, it would be better to make the posts public.. but after no contact, it would be better if you build rapport first before asking out.. texts firsts, then calls, then meet ups
Josephine
September 27, 2016 at 8:07 pm
I (25 years old) met my boyfriend (28 years old) 5 months ago and we hit it off from the start…a couple months in he lost his dad. He had cancer but was recovering and then actually ended up dying from a heart attack because his system and heart were weak from the cancer. I was away when his dad went to the hospital. I drove from the beach turned around immediately and we went to the ER. He died later the next morning and I stood by my boyfriend and held him through the tears. 2 weeks ago, we went to visit his family who loves us together and he was attached to his phone and when we argued he said he was just trying to focus on what makes him happy and can’t worry about me. Last week, I noticed that he was not surrounding himself with the best influences with drinking and all of that. I know people need to grieve in their own way but it concerned me when I saw the destructiveness. I started to feel sick around him because I could just see how hurt he was and there was nothing I could do except be there. We had a talk finally and I said that I didn’t know what to do for him anymore, that I care and will always be here but I want to be able to talk to him about my life too and haven’t felt like I could. He said he can’t be in a relationship right now and that I shouldn’t take it personally, that he thinks it is unfair to me that he can’t be there for me like he should or wishes he could. He said he is in a bad place, mentally, emotionally, etc. and he has nothing to give no matter how much he cares. His mom asked me to take care of him because she is a mess. One of the last things that his dad said to his family, that I found out at the funeral was that he said his son was good because he found me and he knew that I would take care of him when he died. I keep replaying that message in my head because I intend to live up to what they wanted for their son and care for him so much. I told him that I want to be with him and that I can’t begin to understand what he is going through but I also don’t want to be added stress to everything he is dealing with. I let him know that I will always be there to talk or listen, whatever he needs even if we aren’t together anymore. I have no idea what to do from here. I want him to get better but at the same time I also want to be with him. I know what is meant to be will be but I feel terrible that I am not by his side during this, even if it is what he asked of me. It has been a week and a half since we ended things and we spoke once, because we work in the same building and just kept it to basic work related things because there were other people around and I am respecting the space. During this time I can see things more clearly and have reconnected with friends, family, my job is going great and everything has gotten to a good point in my life. I realize now that I just got so used to being there for him because I thought it was the right thing to do, that I took on too much responsibility that I was drained emotionally and mentally until my breaking point. I know now, that regardless of the current circumstances that I need to come to a place of balance in all aspects of my life so I can have a better relationship with him and he will have more time to deal with everything on his own. (no matter how people grieve, I know they at least need some times to themselves to think). I know, a week and a half, crazy to make that transition but I cried for days, got it out of my system and know that I need to heal too for myself and if I want to get back with him someday. Advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you :))
Josephine
September 29, 2016 at 1:35 am
Hi this is Josephine again. I would love to do the 30 days but the problem is his dad’s birthday is on Monday and I know that will be hard for him. I was just going to reach out and say that I’m thinking of him and his mom and that I’m here. Also, the following Monday is his birthday. We also work in the same building. Any advice??
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 30, 2016 at 6:59 pm
If you really want to greet him, better to just start no contact after it. And you really need to check these two:
EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend
EBR 057: Birthdays And The No Contact Rule
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 28, 2016 at 7:42 pm
Hi Josephine,
But that’s good that you already had that realization with just a week after. Why not try to do a full 30 days? And then after, slowly start being friendly again with him